Introduction—“En Marche Easily”
(France, Denmark, Australia, Peru)
It’s Froggie time, Gentlemen. Mes oui, ma Cherie. Mes oui. Time
to check in on that old easily ridiculed hot, chain smoking, chronically
depressed girlfriend who offers you morbid takes on life’s ultimate meaninglessness
in exchange for some supreme thunder in the sack.
(Er..that would constitute our official 3,000th
take on that basic theme).
Indeed, just who do these Frenchies think they are? The
nerve! Prancing around with their 35-hour-work-week, six weeks of paid
vacation, and full-pension-retirement at the age of 62? Who the hell are they
to suggest that we actually attempt to enjoy this one precious life we’ve given
by doing things like making love in the afternoon, stopping by the café on our
way home from work, and actually spending most of one’s free-time outdoors? Madness!
We Americans know so much better. Large estates, status-symbol
cars, the latest electronic viewing devises and the best prescription drugs are
the only true paths to happiness. And how are we to afford those if we don’t
completely sell our souls to our employers with 70-hour-work-weeks pumping
ourselves full of performance-boosting amphetamines during the day and sedating
ourselves in front of our streaming services with opioids at night?
Fucking French. Take a vacation? Our whole life is a
vacation! Eating tranquilizers while watching on-demand movies and the latest live-streaming
Emmy-nominated television serials while simultaneously posting snarky comments
on social media. That’s real living. And let’s not forget all those rewards
waiting for us in heaven! Honestly. Ze French just don’t get it. Pity the poor politically
literate fools. They don’t even know how to elect empty-headed do-nothing
charlatans. Look how they treated the Le Pens!
Okay….back to the football. Throw the FIFA Rankings out the
window. None of the lower-ranked teams will seriously trouble the French or
Danes. Peru would make for a great Cinderella Story, but circumstances work
against them. The Aussies have done their best French impersonation and
surrendered pre-emptively.
Les Bleus can guzzle Bordeaux and smoke Gauloises on the
pitch for all it matters. They’re cruising through.
Responsible political literacy, labor solidarity, and useful
government services? Insanity!
FREEDOM FRIES!!
France—“Les Bleus”
Deschamps finalized his squad very early; an oddly intrepid
move given the amount of domestic pressure he’s under. Ze French rightly expect
him to return with their second star. The man who captain Les Bleus to World
Cup Glory in 1998 and the 2000 European Championship took the reins of this
team with the expectation that he would lead them to victory on home soil two
years ago. He came agonizingly close. Runners up won’t do this time. It’s all
or nothing. A whole nation waits with bated breath.
The French stand as favorites in the minds of most
oddsmakers as no other country, not even my beloved Fatherland, features such a
large Kader of top-class young qualified footballers at this particular moment
in time. As evidence of this, consider the fact that mega-stars like Anthony
Martial, Alexander Lacazette, and Moussa Sissoko didn’t even make the cut.
There’s only so much space available. We fully expected that Deschamps would
keep us all feverishly guessing until the submission deadline. Not the case. He
courageously kicked off who he considered to be overrated, even pitching
Mamadou Sakho and Matheiu Debuchy. More intriguingly, he decided against
streaking talents like Kingsley Coman and Kurt Zouma.
We’ll find out soon, though not soon enough in the eyes of
rabid football fans, whether or not he’s presiding over a shrewd strategy.
Following the injuries to Laurent Koscielny and Dimtri Payet, it comes as a
surprise that he opted for a team comprised of so many tyro strikers and cautious
midfielders. There are also very few natural wingers on hand. We’ll likely
witness plenty of experimentation in the group stage. I can’t discern exactly
where players like Mbappe, Fekir, Lemar, or Tolisso are meant to fit. Oh well.
That’s what a soft group is for. He’ll find his best ten outfielders against
this competition.
Building this lineup proved enjoyable, if not a tad time
consuming. I’m acting on the assumption that Giroud won’t be the go-to-starter.
He’s lost so much speed over the years and has settled into the role of “Super
Sub” quite comfortably. Then again, he’s still the best big target forward on
the roster; seemingly rejuvenated after his mid-season move to Stamford Bridge.
Presumably Deschamps could position him so that he doesn’t tire out, perhaps
enveloping him in a 4-5-1 with his speedsters.
I’ll still pick Griezmann spearheading the attack paired
with Pogba. Even though neither player occupies that position for their club
team, they’ve both affirmed that they can handle such as assignment when called
upon. Mbappe distributes behind them, selecting either height or ingenuity as
the situation dictates. Matuidi and Lemar attend to the flanks, cutting back or
making way for new fullbacks Mendy or Sidibe. What a significant upgrade those
two are over Sagne and Patrice Evra! Those two will turn some heads in this
competition. Varane deputizes for Koscielny to pair with Umtiti. N’Golo Kante
receives instructions to shore up the defense first and foremost before
thinking about making an enterprising run.
They can absolutely pull it off. I’d personally love to
watch the Froggies lift the trophy…provided the Germans make it to the
Semi-Finals of course. ; )
Bon Courage!
Projecting the Froggie Lineup (4-3-1-2)
A. Griezmann Paul
Pogba
|
Kylian Mbappe
|
Thomas Lemar N’Golo Kante Blaise
Matuidi
|
Benjamin Mendy Djibril Sidibe
|
Samuel Umtiti Raphael Varane
|
Hugo Lloris
|
The Talisman—Antoine Griezmann
An obscenely hard worker with a heart of gold, he
compensates for his comparatively diminutive stature with plenty of grit and
determination. Hugo Lloris may technically be the captain, but it falls to
Griezmann to lead the outfielders on the grand stage. No other player can claim
more responsibility for the defeat of the mighty Krauts in the Euro Semis. Love
this valiant Alsatian Knight. Wish he played for us ; )
“A Syndicate Classic—Tip of the Chapeau”
Editor’s
Retroactive Notes:
Does your friendly
bookie harbor bitterness in his heart over the French defeat of his beloved
Fatherland in the Euro 2016 Semis? Au contraire! Not even the slightest
semblance. He dedicated the proceedings to his European Border Brothers and
extended heartfelt congratulations to them after their well-earned victory,
J’taime, mes Ames : )
It was your day. It
was your turn.
Bonne Chance!
From
EM 2016—Group A Preview:
We’ve
certainly had more than our fair share of fun with the Froggies in this
Sportsbook. An abundance of clichéd ethnic stereotypes afforded your friendly
bookie more than ample opportunities to sneak in endless elbow jabs. You’re
just too easy, mes Amie! You smoke Gauloises whilst proclaiming “life es
sheet”. You actually legislated a 35-hour-work-week. Approval ratings of your
political figures rise after news of their extramarital affairs comes to light.
At any given moment, between 6 and 8 of your Public Sector Unions are on strike!
I do believe it’s actually illegal to ride a bicycle that doesn’t contain at
least one baguette in the basket. Alright….that’s enough.
Indeed
we’ve covered it all in this Sportsbook. Everything from smoking babies to
sunken Greenpeace ships. We worked in the riff about the smart-targeting bomb
that only destroys restaurants under four stars. We covered Raymond Domenech’s
selection of players based on their astrological signs. Sarko’s Napoleon
complex. Hollande’s stutter. Chirac’s hearing aide. Marie le Pen’s electronic
cigarette. Segolene Royal’s irresistible “Milfness”. The 2002 National Team
meltdown. The 2010 National Team Meltdown. Good God, Frenchies. You really
don’t even bother to make it challenging for us, do you?
In
what became perhaps the Syndicate’s Most Infamous Line, your friendly
bookie—circa 2010—likened the French to “a hot, chain-smoking, chronically
depressed girlfriend who brings the thunder in the sack, yet never shuts up and
never picks up the check.” Virtually all my French Mates embraced this line.
They absolutely loved it…even if they cleverly used it to weasel me into pay
for hundreds of dollars in mutual bar tabs. ; )
In
many respects, this year’s festivities are dedicated to all of my own mates
from the land of “Liberte, Egalite, and Fraternite.” Fantastic People; always
willing to share a drink, a conversation, and even ceaseless laughs at their
own expense. Culturally speaking, they’ve got it nailed down. Why not dally on
your way back from lunch, stop by the café on your way home, or squeeze in a
conjugal visit/cat-nap between shifts?
Vive
Le France!
The
shameless assault on this culture by those incapable of laughing at themselves
remains too pathetic for me to waste any more of my sparse free time writing
about. Your friendly bookie knows who he is, knows who his friends are, and
knows the full extent of his deeply compassionate heart. I’ve little to say to
those who would try to ruin our precious time together with their insipid
primordial practices. I think I’ll just aver that their prophet regularly
performed fellatio on pigs and be done with it ; )
NOT
AFRAID!
From
EM 2016—Day Twenty-Two Recap
Today
it’s “Vive Le France”!
We’ll
be back in two years’ time. As always, it’s” Semi-Finals or Bust”. Be sure not
to get in our way ; ) We’ll be back…to contend. Revel in Today’s Glory. We
aren’t going away. ; )
Deschamps elected to
ride the tide and keep the same starting eleven from the convincing Iceland
Victory. No alterations, even after an uninspiring first half. Maintaining
Samuel Umtiti was a brave move, but it paid off. Sissoko didn’t exactly have a
great match, but he came through when needed. Payet did his job until it came
time to get more defensive. Koscielny and Evra performed well above
expectations. Mathuidi owned the trenches when it really mattered.
All of my talk about
the better team losing melts away when one considers just how much heart
Antoine Griezmann interjected into this match. I incorrectly stated that the
Athletico Madrid forward wasn’t from Alsace simply because he was born in
Macon. Griezmann is, in fact, very much a proud Alsatian. He very much wanted
to beat the Germans today, and came close to garnering himself a Hat Trick.
After crying his heart out on the pitch after the Germans eliminated the French
in the Quarterfinals of the 2014 WM, he patiently waited for the day on which
he would conduct the “Les Bleaus Orchestra”.
He conducted quite
well today, revving up the Marseille Fans with every touch. He deserves this
moment. Well done, “Proud Alsatian.” You vindicated your confused heritage with
a historic victory that will likely lead to a Third European Crown. ; )
“Riffs
of the Day”—Day Twenty-Two
Reader:
Seriously not disappointed Vicey?
Vicey:
Seriously not. I’m still a World Champion, as are you 111-M. Many quality riffs
came in today, but this is the one that will lead us to the ever-sentimental
“Goodbyes Section”. We all had a great deal of fun. We gambled, cracked wise,
traded taunts, and had a great “semi-vacation”. Time to wrap things up. Your
friendly bookie shall be in touch with his “Championship Pick”.
French
fervor concludes this post. ; )
Denmark—De Rød-Hvide
A few headline writers, following the 5-1 defeat of the
Irish in the Qualifying Playoff, excitedly dust off some of the old
alliterative hyperbole. “Danish Delight/Dynamite Returns,” they pompously
proclaim. As aesthetically pleasing as such prose may appear close to deadline
hour, it doesn’t reflect the reality of this bromidic bummer of a team. Christ
now your friendly bookie now finds himself using a bunch of hackneyed
alliteration; a telltale sign that he’s having trouble talking himself into
something. I want to like these lads. Truly, I do. The team that lit it up
against the Irish in November and blasted Poland off their perch two months
earlier would be most welcome. Instead I foresee Aga Hareide, a trainer bearing
strikingly similar characteristics to American manager Bruce Arena, to eschew
the more exciting elements of his talent pool in order to eke out a place in
the knockouts. That’s just how the old plodding Norwegian do.
It’s been six long years since the Danes received a full
write-up in a Summer tournament. That year’s version of “Olsen’s Eleven”
performed admirably despite being drawn into “The Group of Death”. (A concept
that, thanks to re-formatted seeding, expanded tournament pools, and diluted
talent we’ll never truly see again.) Returning players include Simon Kjaer,
William Kvist, Michael Krohn-Delli, Niklas Bendtner, Andres Bjelland and Lasse
Schøne. Believe it or not, twenty-year-old Christian Eriksen held a position on
that roster too. The young point man broke through in a big way over the course
of the group stage matches, in particular leaving skid marks all over the pitch
against the Portuguese in Lviv.
Now in his prime, Eriksen’s positioning and pursuance will make
all the difference. He needs enough space to fully direct tempo and flow. Your
friendly bookie toyed around with the lineup a fair amount, mostly considering
a 4-3-1-2 or even a sacrilege 4-3-1-1 that left the linchpin with enough
operational space to control possession. Neither one of those stacked up
particularly well against the competition in this group. Eventually I settled
upon a somewhat unconventional 4-2-1-3. It accomplishes the same goal even if
it doesn’t make immediate logical sense.
To deploy three strikers ahead of Eriksen appears to
overcrowd the attacking third. It won’t, however, if for FC Copenhagen forward
Nicolai Jorgensen pours forward only with well-timed runs and sticks close to
young RB Lepizig Phenom Yussuf Poulsen on the right flank. Semi-retired former
Bundesliga man Niklas Bendtner pushes out wide to the left, in effect giving Eriksen
three large marks to hit, along with acres of space to press ahead should
opportunity present itself. The only thing standing in the way of this would be
Bendtner’s natural inclination to brashly crash inward. He needs to be well
coached, by no means something one should treat as a forgone conclusion.
Kvist and Krohn-Delli remain far back, serving almost as
centerbacks themselves ahead of Kjaer and Vestergaard. Finding a serviceable
left back proved problematic. Try as I might, I couldn’t envision Ajax’s Lasse
Schöne in the role. Actually couldn’t really find a place for his talents
anywhere. He’s versatile enough that we could theoretically insert him in
anywhere. He may even start in place of Bendtner up top. I ended up selecting
Bjelland in the end for the same reason I selected everyone else: This entire
squad needs to be built AROUND Eriksen’s need for enough elbow room. The model
below doesn’t fully convey how I see it playing out. In a less symmetrical
model, Bendtner would occupy a space far to the left, Poulsen and Jorgensen
would be placed much further to the right, and Krohn-Dehli/Kvist would
practically standing next to one another. What can I say? Graphics pleasing to
the eye matter. Moreover, the Semi-Scandinavian Danish propensity to either
have a short name or one that can’t fit on a jersey doesn’t exactly help.
How about that? I’ve essentially talked myself into the
team. Perhaps I needed that banal alliteration after all, you “Nattering nabobs
of negativism”.
Not so fast. I still maintain little confidence that a
Hareide-coached team will do much other than win ugly. His years at the helm of
his native Norway suggest as much. A truly ballsy lineup, which he could very
well, would include fiery up-and-comers like Pione Sisto, Viktor Fischer,
Thomas Delaney, or even Kasper Dolberg.
Might be the case that I’m projecting my own cagey concern
onto him. I’d personally play it safe around Eriksen, but who’s to say that he
will? Longtime Syndicate Members know that I absolutely love being proven
wrong. Truthfully, I don’t really know how it’s supposed to work among this
collection of players.
I do know that they should advance, boring or not.
Projecting the Danish Lineup (4-2-1-3)
Nicolai Jorgensen
|
Niklas Bendtner Yussuf Poulsen
|
Christen Eriksen
|
M. Krohn-Dehli W. Kvist
|
A. Bjelland S. Kjaer J.
Vestergaard P. Ankersen
|
Kasper
Schmeichel
|
The Talisman—Christian Eriksen 
A few years back, Syndicate Member 111-M had the gall to
suggest that Eriksen would never find a way to perform brilliantly for BOTH
club and country. “He’ll excel at either one or the other,” remarked the
characteristically Dour Dane, “never becoming one of the World’s best players”.
The magnificent Hat Trick scored against Ireland in the final qualification
match should put such fanboy pessimism to rest permanently. Nine goals in nine
games for country over the course of 2017. Another fourteen for Spurs this
season, almost all of them worthy candidates for the year’s best one.
At present I’d rank him as the third most in form European
Player behind C. Ronaldo and Lewandowski. Stay tuned as he gears up for great
competition.
“A Syndicate Classic—Die ‘Hammer
Gruppe’, et al.”
Editor’s
Retroactive Notes:
For
some reason your friendly bookie’s creative neurons fire heavy when discussing
the Danes. It’s been so since I first sat down to compose a section on them
back on a sultry summer night in the LSU Computer Lab back in 2002. Having
invested a precious few minutes ruminating over why this transpires, I’ll
settle on the shared border and memorable visits. Fuck delving deeper.
Enjoy
the ABRIDGED selection. 2013 Vicey’s retroactive notes pretty much sums up
existence in general ; )
From
WMQ 2009—“Syndicate: Afterlife”
Denmark
Copenhagen’s
comin’ along! Hmm. I should preface that I am referring to the Danish National
Football Team and not the “Climate Change Treaty”. That accord is not “coming
along” very well at all. If you’re hoping for some sort of multilateral
breakthrough at the Copenhagen Conference in December (that includes you Angie),
you’re dreaming! Kyoto had much more willpower, and cuter waitresses. I’ve been
searching everywhere for the U.S. Position Points for the Copenhagen
Conference, only to discover that there aren’t any. Whoops. This could be
Barack Obama’s worst visit to Copenhagen since…..nevermind. Let’s skip it.
I’m
ordinarily not a fan of the Danes. They ticketed me once for crashing a Lego
Car. On top of that, they want to kill puppies and eat kittens. Okay I made the
part about kittens up. In spite of my preconceived prejudices, I’m getting
motivated for the Danes using two new cheers I just invented:
1)
Ever since a Jeopardy! Clue a couple of weeks ago, I’ve had the song “Da Da Da”
from 1980s German New Wave Band “Trio” stuck in my head. Though the German
Kraftwerk clones disbanded in 1985, a Volkswagen commercial in 1997 revived the
song and elevated the band to cult status. Does anyone remember what I’m
talking about?
“Da
Da Da. Ich lieb dich nicht du liebst mich nicht….uh-uh…da da da” Two guys drive
around in a Volkswagen Golf, pick up a couch from the garbage and then drop it
after determining that it doesn’t smell so good? Anyone? Oh for Christ Sake,
here’s the link:
The
song is virtually impossible to expel from one’s head. Here’s my effort:
“Da
Da Danes….Da Da Danes…….Da Da Danes……Da Da Danes. Ich lieb euch nicht. Ihr
liebt mich nicht…uh-uh….Da Da Danes…..Da
Da Danes…..Da Da Danes”
2)
Gøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø Danes!!!!
Yes,
like a Druish Prince at Hanukah, I am so overjoyed to have found out how to
make an “ø” on my keyboard. Now all I have left to figure out is this weird
Froggy circumflex. Join me in welcoming the following Danish players:
-Anders
Møller Christenson
-Thomas
Sørenson
-Per
Krøldrup
-Jasper
Grønkjar
-Martin
Jørgenson
-Beøwulf
Obviously,
Beowulf is not coming along. I was watching the animated feature last night,
shocked that my favorite 12th Grade English reading assignment could
be so thoroughly ruined. Even Angelina Jolie couldn’t save that movie!!
Denmark
v. Sweden
vs. 
Scandinavian
Showdown! By the way, if you missed Flemming Moller’s (Anders Fogh Rasmussen’s
replacement) proposal to kill some 40,000 puppies here is the link:
Two
reasons why I’m not revolted by this proposal:
1)
In certain rural regions of Southwestern Germany, the slaughter of thousands of
canine mongrels is known simply as “Oktoberfest”
2)
As someone who had a greyhound-racing stepfather, I’m simply not shocked by
this whole Michael Vick thing. That’s my Dawg!
THE
LINE: Sweden+1
Editor’s
Retroactive Notes:
Everyone
chill out. I love dogs. They’re delicious.
From
EM 2012—Group B Preview
Denmark
The Germans have done
a vastly superior job of coming up with a name for a group like this. To them,
the “Group of Death” is known as “Die Hammer-Gruppe”. Origins of this
designation trace back to the German exclamation “Hammer!” Its uses are quite
diverse. Most commonly, you would loudly bellow “Hammer!” to express your
approval of the music selection/general atmosphere/slut ratio in a club or
convey to your friend how great the party was/what a tiger she was in the
sack/the speed at which the drugs kicked in/how much you enjoyed bungee jumping
naked, etc. It also happens to be the perfect reaction to some colossally
improbable misfortune that has befallen you. For instance, if the tow truck
hauling away your ride happened to snap a line at the end of an uphill tug and
you witnessed your car violently flipping over no fewer than five times, taking
out your mailbox, two children, grandmother, and cat before pinning down your
wife at the bottom of the hill and bursting into flames a mere 2.3 seconds
after you thanked cruel fate for leaving you at least one person to commiserate
with….you might find yourself shrieking “Hammer!”…in spite of the fact that
there’s nothing cool about the situation.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Ermmm…..it
proves doubtful that anyone who has ever found it discouraging to deal with me
in highly stressful intimate situations will find themselves reading this. This
in itself constitutes a rather salient missed opportunity for an insightful
look into the machinery contained within my skull. Above, I’ve essentially
given you a micro-level blueprint of how my mind works. There it is. It’s there
for all to see. It’s Vicey live, in concert, and unplugged. Apologies to all
I’ve chased off over the years. THAT is how my mind ACTUALLY works ; )
The offensive
connotations of the alliterative “Danish Dynamite” moniker notwithstanding, the
real strength of this squad lies with the back four. Liverpool’s Daniel Agger
finally showed us he’s ready for prime time. Should he re-aggravate his injury,
Andres Bjelland has proven he can step in. Agger directs a first rate defensive
corps that also features AZ’s Simon Poulsen (the unfortunate own goal scorer
from 2010), Copenhagen’s Lars Jakobsen,
and Roma’s Simon Kjaer. I wrote an entire paragraph concerning keeper and
captain Thomas Sorenson…..but wait a minute….what’s this? BREAKING NEWS.
Allow me to explain. I
sit typing this up on May 29th, otherwise known as “Final Selection
Day”. All across Europe, sixteen separate national head trainers have scheduled
press conferences to announce the selection of their final 23-man-squad.
Okay….not exactly sixteen. Polish coach Franciszek Smuda already announced his
on Sunday the 27th. Greek Head coach Fernando Santos gave us a
25-man-provisional squad on May 17th, with the two players to be cut
fairly obvious. Dick Advocaat (Schawanz Befürworter), Russian head coach, got
it all out of the way on Friday the 25th. Czech boss Michal Bilek
had us all up to speed on the 14th. This fortuitous combination of
early announcements enabled me to complete the Group A Preview on Sunday.
Today we have a
classic example of actual updated news rendering a portion of my analysis moot.
No need for sympathy as the Shadow Scholar has certainly seen worse. I once
wrote a twenty-page paper on a unique coalition government in the German state
of Hessen. The thesis was based on a tentative agreement reached between three
parties and the analytical thrust examined all other alternative PR
constellations to make the case that the new tri-partide government would serve
as the de-facto arrangement in German state- level politics for years to come.
Pushing a deadline, I stayed away from the Internet all day in order to
complete the exercise. Five minutes after submitting, I pulled up Spiegel
Online to learn that the agreement had collapsed, the results of the election
declared null/void, and new elections ordered. Everything that I had written
was useless, including and especially my argument. Oops. It was the academic
equivalent of the Battle of New Orleans in 1815. Hmm....Perhaps it wasn’t quite
as bad as incurring over two hundred casualties AFTER a truce had been
signed…but it hit me pretty hard.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
He’s
a metaphysical aphorism for you:
At
least ninety-eight percent of life consists of working entirely too hard on
something that turns out not to matter at all ; ) ; )
Anyway, let’s get to
the BREAKING NEWS that you’ve long since assumed I’ve forgotten about before
something else happens to shit on my analysis. Talismanic keeper and captain
Thomas Sorenson has been RULED OUT of Euro 2012. According to the German
football magazine “Kicker” a back injury has forced him to withdraw. Daniel
Agger has been named the new captain, Anders Lindegaard the new keeper, and
Leicester City’s Kasper Schmeichel will fill the roster spot. All of this
matters…somewhat. Lindegaard does the third string keeping for Man U. Despite
his lack of experience, he should be up to the task.
Australia—“The Socceroos”
To pilfer American Football parlance—The Aussies already do,
referring to the sport itself as “Soccer”—this should be a quick “Three and
Out”. The Roos are currently a team very much in transition. Following
long-time head coach Ange Posgtecoglou’s resignation in November, the FFA
couldn’t even find someone willing to serve as a caretaker manager for a full
two months. Eventually, genuinely awful tactician Bert van Marwijk agreed to a
guide the Aussies through the WM only on the condition that he be released from
his contract after the tournament. Yes….THAT Bert van Marwijk; the man who
oversaw the Dutch Disaster that was Euro 2012, then proceeded to run Hamburger
SV even deeper into the dirt. He specializes in making horrible use of large
swaths of talent. Says a great deal about the state of your country’s football
program when someone like that only reluctantly and temporarily wants to assume
the post.
Who cares about their performance in this tournament? No
one. Not even them. The Aussies have other matters to attend to. Their switch
to the Asian Football Confederation reaped great dividends for the program,
culminating in their fine 2015 run to the Continental Title on home turf. With less
than seven months to go before they’re set to embark upon their title defense,
all they’re really doing here is sorting out tactics, getting players some much
needed experience, and possibly giving Cahill that long-overdue “Last Hurrah”.
In other words, it’s business as usual. Meh. Expect the same
strategy that led to the torpid 30th place finish back in 2014.
Anything can happen, but I’ll advise Syndicate Members down under against
wagering your hard earned Aussie Greenbacks on a team unlikely to try very
hard. They’ll bow out early.
Your friendly bookie got a close look at their players and
formations in last Summer’s eight-team Confederations Cup. I’ll project that
the Dutch coaching staff sticks with the 3-4-3 with a few practical
alterations. Kruse moves into the central attacking position, Juric is dropped,
and Troisi inherits the much-debated spot on the left flank.
Yeah. I know. Boooring.
Do note that were currently working with a 27-man
provisional squad. Van Marwijk might spice things up a bit if he includes
newcomers Arzani, Brillante, Petratos, or Karacic in his final selection.
I don’t anticipate that he will any more than I anticipate
this squad will earn a single point.
Get out of this tournament and go “a-waltzing”!
Projecting the Aussie Lineup (3-4-3)
Tom Rogic
Robbie Kruse Massimo Luongo
|
James Troisi Matthew
Leckie
|
Aaron Mooy Mile Jedinak
|
Aziz
Behich Milos Degenek
|
Trent Sainsbury
|
Matthew Ryan
|
The Talisman—Aaron Mooy 
With all due respect to Leckie, Kruse, and Troisi, this tiny
little midfielder playing for a tiny little English league club seems to have
inherited the mantle of this country’s new anchor. If the Roos are to
demonstrate anything resembling a creative spark in midfield, it will have to
come from this quirky little guy that David Wager inexplicably breathed life
into.
Keep an eye on him.
“A Syndicate
Classic—Wink to an Old Nemesis”
Editor’s
Retroactive Notes:
No,
I don’t hate them. Seriously. Don’t hate them. Loved writing about their road
to the 2015 Asian Continental Championship. Can’t get enough of the “Outback
Ovaries” when it’s time to cover the women’s tournament. Definitely don’t hate
them. Why would I hate them? I DON’T Hate them.
Except…I
kinda do. ; (
Look.
Props are given when props are due. They’ll get ample coverage again this
go-around. It’s just that.....they’re always fucking here and I’m tired about
writing about Timmy Cahill. Why are they ALWAYS here?
Nggaaarrgh.
This burnout began back in 2011..way back when the Soceroos reliably lorded
over the OFC Confederation. Now that they’ve switched to the AFC…they STILL
won’t go away! They even possess the nerve to capture Confederation Titles.
Grrrrrrr.
I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to reference Cahill every
time. The magical “Kaiserslautern KO” a’int so magical anymore after you’ve
referenced it 234,829,491 times!
From
FWM 2011—Semi-Finals
Australia
What
did I say about the Australian back line?? Elyse Perry is a pretty girl with a
pretty goal to her credit, but she had a nightmare day at the back. Unzunlar
upgraded her performance from “catastrophe” to “miserable” and Tameka Butt was
subbed in far too late to make difference. (No, people. I refuse to make a joke
about either Tameka “what..what” or Bayern keeper Hans Jorg “in the” Butt).
So
the dream dies for our “lady-roos”, “waltzing matildas”, “outback ovaries”,
blah blah blah blah. Rest assured we’ll be back with this perennial oceanic
qualifier next time around, talking about their fierce “Never say die”
attitude, trying (and failing) to find something funny to say about the Prime
Minister, and pretending as if Yahoo Serious is a legitimate pop culture
reference. Yawn. Don’t you understand? They won’t go away! They’re always
coming back! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Peru—“Los Incas”
A syndicate debutante! Cool. Cool country. Cool nickname.
Really cool story. Your friendly bookie truly relishes such opportunities. It
broadens the mind and awakens novel spirits within. In the diametric opposite
effect of what one observes in the above text, your friendly bookie gets
outright ecstatic welcoming a newbie into the fold. Had a better way of putting
it four years ago when discussing the “Golden Lillies” of Bosnia &
Herzegovina: “Writing about an entirely new country in the Syndicate is akin to
stumbling upon a conversation that completely blows your previous paradigm out
of the water.” Yeah!
A little backstory. These Bolivars have actually
participated in the World Cup Finals four times. They played in the inaugural
1930 tournament and qualified again in ’70, ’78, and ’82. In the intervening 36
years there’s been little to write home about football-wise except the time
they hosted the Copa America in 2004. A little less than a tenth of the country
lives in abject poverty while a little less than a third can be considered
below the basic poverty line. The latest estimation of the Gini Coefficient is
just under 0.5. Many countries have it worse, but consider for a moment how
magical a moment this shall be for those who struggle to make economic ends
meet. Years of brutal domestic insurgency and minority-rule by elites like
Fujimori are behind the citizenry now, but they’ve certainly earned the right
to cheer on their team on the grand stage for the first time in nearly four
decades!
The team itself began its resurgence with successful
performances in the 2015 Copa America and the great Pan-American competition
that took place the subsequent summer. Qualifying out of CONMEBOL, never an
easy affair to begin with, wasn’t easy this time around either. Los Incas
barely fended off Chile, advancing to the inter-continental playoff only by
virtue of a +2 Goal differential decided in the dying moments of each team’s
last matches.
Hopes were high for a Cinderella Run after a convincing
victory against the Kiwis on Aggregate…..but then came Paulo Guerrero’s speed
bender. In an incident best not discussed in too great a depth, the talismanic
striker tested positive for multiple illegal substances shortly after the World
Cup draw in December. Appeals were filed, but his suspension holds up. It’s a
huge loss, considering the form he found himself in.
Still plenty of talent on this team, but I can’t see Schalke
veteran Jefferson Farfan filling Guerrero's shoes. He’s too old. The midfield and
defense remain suspect. Yutun and Tapia will have trouble containing the world
class attackers they have the misfortune of facing in their initial two
matches.
This year’s “Costa Rican Cinderella”? Methinks not. They
might steal a consolation win from the Aussies on the final day of group play,
but that’s about it.
Projecting the Inca Lineup (4-4-2)
Jefferson Farfan Andre Carillo
|
Edison Flores
Christian Cueva
|
Yoshimar Yutun Renato Tapia
|
Luis Advincula Aldo Corzo
|
Alberto Rodriguez Christian Ramos
|
Pedro Gallese
|
The Talisman—Andre Carrillo “A Syndicate Classic—Anyone for a
2-3-5?”
Editor's Retroactive Notes:
Scant
coverage of this syndicate debutant. We’ll thus post one from the previous
group that didn’t make the final cut. Syndicate Members justifiably frustrated
with their bookie’s growing obsession with tactics might be interested to know
that I was actually always this preposterously nerdy.
It’s
in print!
Written
in 2006. Retroactive rambling added in 2012.
From
WM 2006—Round Two:
Portugal vs. Iran
vs. 
After narrowly fending
off their former colony, time for my Navigators to let it all hang out. Bring
out the big guns, Scolari! Bring in Deco to augment Simao, Pauletta, and
Christiano Ronaldo. Throw Petit forward for a 3-2-2-3. No mercy. I don’t want
to see any praying on this pitch. Dizzy up the Persians. Fuck those spoony
bards. Prove to everyone that I know how to pick an overall winner. Punish
these primitives as if they were the Greeks. Look them straight in the
uni-brow. They might as well be the Greeks. That’s your motivation.
THE
LINE: Portugal +3 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Portugal 2, Iran 0. Scolari wasn’t quite as bloodthirsty as your friendly bookie.
He did reorganize the midfield giving Deco the start over Tiago. Costinha
replaced Petit and third striker Simao was withdrawn in favor of Maniche. The
resulting 3-2-3-2 would fall tragically short of the internecine carnage I
required for the big payday. True football fans will note that this was one the
exceedingly rare times I opted to divide the formation by four. Yes, I am aware
that over 75 percent of football teams play a formation cleaved into tiers of
four or higher. Were I some sort of serious journalist it would my pleasure to
report on Fabio Capello’s 4-1-2-1-1-1 experiment. All the sum permutations
exist. Before my father smacks the back of my head to remind me there are no
such things as “sum permutations”, I’ll point out that this was merely an
esoteric way of saying that football teams employ all sorts of positioning
layers. All the layman truly needs to know is that as long as it adds up to
ten; it’s been tried on the pitch. I once read that Brian Clough experimented
with a 2-1-2-1-1-2-1 at Nottingham Forrest. It would appear only the
1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 hasn’t been written about. Personally I appreciate it when
commentators give me insight into a Quad-stratum. Beyond that, you’re merely
showing off and I draw the line.
Have
you any idea how challenging it is to write a reasonably lucid Sportsbook that
can simultaneously sustain both my novice interest and the ephemeral attention
span of amateur fans? It’s so goddamn hard that I’m in some way unsuccessful
every time I sit down to try. All anyone needs to know concerns the fact that
not all midfielders fulfill equal roles. Some have intermediate functions that
place them between the rest of the midfielders and the forwards. Likewise, some
defenders don’t occupy the same lateral position on the pitch. When I write
about a 4-5-1, it may actually be more of a 3-4-2-1 or a 2-4-2-2 or perhaps
even a 3-3-1-1-1. Some extraordinarily clever individuals who’ve wasted
extraordinarily precious moments of their extraordinarily short lives solving
extraordinarily boring Sudoku puzzles have written me over the years in the
vainglorious hope that their ability to count to ten somehow makes them smarter
than me in one crucial respect. Here’s the deal: people have been telling me to
“Keep it Simple, Stupid” since I was old enough to speak. Having largely
ignored this advice and met with train-wreck scoped disaster for a good bit of
my twenty-nine years, the absolute least I can do is keep my Sportsbook simple.
End of discussion. Formations are reported as triple quotients. Quadruple
quotients may appear here and there, mostly unintentionally. We apologize for
the inconvenience.
Ahem.
Amidst all of this rubbish an enjoyable game of football took place. The
Navigators were hungry right from the start. C. Ronaldo came agonizingly close
twice. Miguel laced another swerving effort from fifty yards that Allah seems
to have guided into Mizrappour’s hands. After 80 minutes of sheer dominance,
poetic justice was finally served when Rezaieri bludgeoned Luis Figo with a
clumsy challenge just inside the penalty area. Ronaldo was credited with the
goal he so richly deserved after an unbelievable SEVEN decent efforts on goal.
In total, the Iranians were credited with one shot on goal, nineteen flagrant
fouls and 32% of possession. If only they could have miserably sucked just a
bit more…
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (2 to 1 Odds for bookie)
1)
France 2)
Denmark 3)
Peru 4)
Australia
Overall
Championship Odds
France (Straight up) Denmark (10 to 1) Peru (30 to 1) Australia (35 to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
France (NO BETS) Denmark (Straight Up) Peru (Straight Up) Australia (5 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds
France (NO BETS) Denmark (3 to 1) Peru (8 to 1) Australia (15 to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
France (NO BETS) Denmark (6 to 1) Peru (20 to 1) Australia (25 to 1)
