The Countdown begins Syndicate Members,
Daniel Franklin, a most esteemed editor at “The Economist”,
regularly referred to the month of August as “The Silly Season”. With most of
the civilized world on vacation, it was common practice for journalistic and
scholarly publications to resort to “fluff and guff” in deference to the
public’s desire for light and gently self-reinforcing information.
A brave new world indeed. In today’s streaming “information
overload” culture, the “Silly Season” goes on all year. Anyone with a thirst
for trifling news can access it instantaneously. Twenty years ago they at least
had to go to the supermarket tabloid aisle. Today’s world affords us constant
opportunity to ruminate on what a bunch of fuck-ups everyone else is. Want to
feel better about yourself? Surely someone is embroiled in a sex scandal.
By contrast, most ‘hard-news fiends’ (a.k.a. treasured
Syndicate Members) will have undoubtedly found this August’s offerings to be
the most depressing ever. ; ( ; ( ; ( 100,000 dead in Syria and even then only
response we can manage is likely to make matters even worse. Over 3,000 dead in
Iraq in the bloodiest sectarian summer since before the surge. A failed
coordinated assault against M-23 in Congo. Renewed bloodshed in Somalia,
Lebanon, Pakistan, Nigeria, and South Sudan.
Egypt deserves it’s own paragraph. A revolution so insane
wouldn’t have been possible were it not for the information age. Of course
history is full of short-lived transitions of power, but now we’re getting to
the point where NOT ONE SINGLE SOLITARY SOUL can hope to back a side.
The insipidly brainless French nobleman known as Nostradamus
once predicted World Peace over a span of 10,000 years. Dumbass piece-of-shit
Frog. How about ONE DAY, Frenchie?
And that’s our introduction. As sad as the World may be, as
much as commenting on the despondency makes one feel like Jesse Fredrick
attempting to write the theme song to “Family Matters”, succor only resides in
one incontrovertible fact:
280 Days Remaining……
We’ll dispense with the formalities, if only because we’ve
got a lot of ground to cover (uh…literally the entire planet.) Let’s get going…
Five countries have officially qualified.
Already
qualified
Brazil
A hearty Sura-del Bunda welcome to the Samba Kings, henceforth to be referred to as “the hosts with the mosts”. Even though quarterly GDP Growth has predictably slowed to fewer than 5 percent, this bookie still avers that the Brazilians have much to be grateful for.
The Brazilians put the ‘B’ in “BRIC”, but insofar as I’m
concerned B stands for “Behavior”. Call attention to your grievances
peacefully, quietly, and in a civilized manner. The sheer amount of genuine
misery in the world necessitates that you do not spoil the fun for all those seeking
a pleasant distraction.
Think me too harsh? I honestly don’t give a shit. I’m tired
of absorbing fatality statistics over my morning coffee. Some people purport to
eventually become desensitized to such statistics. I don’t trust those people.
Every last flame of life extinguished eliminates exponential potential from
this world. Protest peacefully period. I stand by what was written a few short
months ago.
From CC 2013: Semifinals
E-mail Riff of the Day
(Female) Reader: Instead of counting “Hot Girls”, why don’t you
address the Brazilian Protests?
Vicey: It would be my great pleasure ; ). Don’t let my love of
the puerile fool you. I’m actually an entirely too well read individual who
wastes an inordinate amount of time reading newspapers. I keep myself
über-informed, much to the detriment of anything resembling a social life. Not
only am I aware of Latin American Political Activists, I make it my business to
write about them:
From “WBC 2013: Round Four”:
--One piece of writing I can link to is the fascinating vlog of
Chilean activist Camila Vallejo. Here’s a Guardian article that will take you
all the way to the Promised Land:
Yes, I’m attracted to her. That doesn’t mean she’s not a
genius!
Your friendly bookie obstinately refuses to be a shallow
individual, no matter the costs may be ; ) While we’re all engaged in the frivolous
exercise of watching football, everyone should pay heed to the legitimate
grievances of those in lands that lack social justice. You may point out that
the U.S. also lags behind when it comes to “Social Justice”, but that’s nothing
more than a moot point. Whatever tribulations you face, it doesn’t compare to
the challenges a full third of the world must deal with. Poverty sucks. I can
attest to that. Nevertheless, “abject poverty” sucks even more. Imagine not
knowing when your next meal will come.
The people of Brazil rise up in reasonable and rational
opposition to policies that affect their daily lives. The movement began as a
simple gathering of voices opposed to an increase in transit fees. Confronted
with the opulence of the Confederations Cup, ordinary citizens understandably
wondered why all of these ornate new stadiums were being erected directly in
their faces. The World Cup may bring a hoard of tourism dollars, but will the
money be adequately re-distributed?
Brazilians have had to put up with far too much wasteful
nonsense. After Lula’s departure, the Rousseff administration has been plagued
by one scandal after another. The manner in which corrupt government officials
aggrandize and enrich themselves constitutes a personal affront to all those
who seeking to make a living in an unfair society. Rousseff herself is a former
Guerilla Commander who spent years in prison fighting for the same rights that
the protesters currently reach for.
The moral of the whole sordid tale is as follows: Life remains
unfair. My Syndicate Members know this. The key is to remain humble, even in
the face of improbable success When Rouseff addressed the nation; she reminded
everyone that peaceful protests were completely acceptable. She also promised
to invest all of the World Cup income in the “Bolsa Familia Program”. Time will
tell if that promise will be fulfilled, but the words sounded sincere in any
case. Brasilia my full permission (as if that means anything) to rise up in
protest just as the South Africans did in 2010 and 2013. It’s not cool to have
people celebrate a manufactured carnival on your doorstep ;)
Sorry to be the arrogant Westerner seeking escape from his
First World Problems. I just love football. Love your movement too….
How about celebrating your team? Scolari has brought back
the magic. What little evidence gleaned from Neymar’s nascent Barça season
leads most of us football enthusiasts to believe that he will surpass Messi
within a matter of months. Just rejoice. There’s a time and place for
everything. That’s why we have elections….in theory anyway.
Japan
The new Wop manager has proven a real shot in the arm to our
beloved Blue Samurai. The tournament won’t be the same without them. I maintain
as much enthusiasm as I did four years ago.
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with Avengeance”
Japan
Too bad they’re not hosting this year. Hatoyama, Ozawa, and all
the poorly connected DPJ newbies could stand to benefit from a “Merkel Moment”.
An affectionate welcome back for the beloved “Blue Samurai” (THAT is a
nickname) and an admiring salute to the indisputably goofiest people on the
planet! Seriously, I do love these people. Here are
Three reasons to be categorically ecstatic that Japan is in the
WM (and, NO, you perverted jackasses, none of them have with precocious
schoolgirls, WOWOW-TV, or tentacles!)
1. Japanese announcers—If you thought the guys who wrote the
programming code for “Marvel vs. Capcom 2” were doing their utmost to induce a
seizure with the 5,637,662-hit combo, listen to these cats:
I wish, I wish….that I could have found some WM 2006 Japanese
announcers! That Oliver Neuville goal against Poland was priceless. Why can I
not receive the NHK feed on my basic cable package? WHY????
Hello hemorrhaging aneurisms for all!
2. Empress Michiko in the stands! Naturally, one may assume
she’ll call in sick as usual. Nevertheless, the opportunity to witness the
porcelain empress never fails to stir that deep anticipatory excitement! This
may be the year I finally witness her shift her elbow, budge her arms shift or
even blink! (I have a long running wager with a friend on whether or not she
is, in fact, a robot.) I will recoup that $20!! This brings us to……..
3. ROBOTS!!!!!! Colbert fans unite; these automatons pose a
serious threat to the beautiful game. As many of you are already aware, the
RoboCup Community has tasked itself with the ambitious goal of pitting a
humanoid robot team against the World Champions in 2050. Keep a lookout for
some steely-eyed Toshiba Goons in the stands! Be vigilant for they must be
stopped! If a technological feat such as this really is possible, let’s hope
the 2050 Champs are the Italians.
AustraliaI had high hopes that the Socceroos would ultimately falter after joining the AFC. Sadly, Timmy Cahill and the boys will be coming along. Nothing personal against Cahill, whom I still revere for his infamous “Kaiserslautern KO”. I remain remiss, however, when coming up with novel ways to describe this team. I remain equally remiss to write anything original about “comeback kid” Kevin Rudd. I’ve little choice but to re-post more “blasts from the past”.
From FWM 2011—Semifinals
Australia
What did I say about the Australian back line?? Elyse Perry is
a pretty girl with a pretty goal to her credit, but she had a nightmare day at
the back. Unzunlar upgraded her performance from “catastrophe” to “miserable”
and Tameka Butt was subbed in far too late to make difference. (No, people. I refuse
to make a joke about either Tameka “what..what” or Bayern keeper Hans Jorg “in
the” Butt).
So the dream dies for our “lady-roos”, “waltzing Matildas”,
“outback ovaries”, blah blah blah blah. Rest assured we’ll be back with this
perennial oceanic qualifier next time around, talking about their fierce “Never
say die” attitude, trying (and failing) to find something funny to say about
the Prime Minister, and pretending as if Yahoo Serious is a legitimate pop
culture reference. Yawn. Don’t you understand? They won’t go away! They’re
always coming back! LEAVE ME ALONE!
South Korea
One final re-post in the “qualified” section. I promise. This has to be emphasized. Everyone must understand the presence of the Koreans is so vitally important:
From WMQ 2009—Syndicate with Avengeance:
South Korea
Oh yes. Yes sir. Together with the Spaniards and the Japs,
there will be no shortage of eye-candy in the stands for the male viewing
contingent! The triumvirate of gorgeous hotties is already in! One might even
call the Korean girls the Jefferson of the “Mount Rushmore of Babes. The
Spaniards are my Roosevelts. I’m just not cool enough. Besides that, I can’t
dance. The Japs are my Washington. They will dump you quicker than you can day
”Snow Falling on Peter”. Oh well. Other than reasons that make me appear to be
a very “dirty old man”, here are four reasons, why I’m psyched about the
Koreans:
1. The drum section of the “Tigers of Asia”. If you haven’t
heard this fan club yet, you’re in for a treat!
2. In poor forlorn Kaiserslautern, you simply have to love a
team with the nickname “Red Devils”….er with the possible exception of the
loathed ManU
3. The Koreans got completely gypped by those microstate cheese
yodelers known as the Swiss in the 2006 WM. They were polite to the Ref and
everything!! Fucking useless Swiss.
4. ManU’s Ji-Sung Park ready to kick some ass while Park Chu
Young is poised to tear up the scene (Chan-Ho Park is still bothered by a
hamstring). Lee Chun-Yong of Bolton Wanders is an intriguing prospect while Lee
Dong-Gook (tearin’ up the K league) and Lee Young Pyo are back for more! In
addition, we’ve got Lee Keun Ho, Lee Chung-Yong, Lee Jung Soo, AND Lee Woon-Jae
called up? How about that? Kim Young Kwang, Kim Dong-Jin, Kim Hyung-Il, and Kim
Jung-Woo are ready to play!!
(Okay…love my Koreans. Still waiting to meet one that does not
have Jong, Hong, Park, Kim, or Lee in their name. Also, is anyone NOT from
Seoul? I’m looking forward to meeting you!
Go see Park Chan-wook’s latest epic “Thirst”. I mean, GO RIGHT
NOW! If you loved “Oldboy”, “Sympathy for Lady Vengeance” and “I’m a
Cyborg, but that’s Okay”, you’ve not a moment to lose! The Koreans are the ONLY
ones left that can still do artful horror.
Iran
Rouhani or Rowhani? The precise spelling is immaterial. Our new clerical “Philosopher King” is neither a moderate nor a potential I.A.E.A. miracle worker. Iran will continue to enrich weapons-grade uranium. Crippling sanctions will continue to drive the Rial and—thus—the entire country’s currency into a despondent state of ruin.
That being said, it would be fantastic if everyone could
suspend their more geopolitically inclined thoughts and welcome the Iranian
Nationals to our tournament. The football team has absolutely nothing to do
with our persistent snafu. Don’t forget, this is largely the same team that
wore green ribbons during the qualifying stages four years ago. They fight hard
for their people. Wish them well, even if they do bow in prayer after every
goal.
GROUP
QUALIFYING ROUND —UEFA
No choice but to get this monster out of the way first. I’ll literally be writing about it all day. Why, you ask? Let’s begin with my often re-posted intro from four years ago:
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with Avengeance”
Bizarre Micro States galore! We’ve got ethic enclaves, medieval
fiefdoms, breakaway republics, “kingdoms” that have been a part of the U.K. for
600 years, bitterly dived realms that can’t decide on a nationality, new
countries that were formed yesterday at 3:34 a.m. when no one was paying
attention, land’s whose teams have goats and sheep playing for them, States who
have survived centuries of warfare by functioning merely as a picturesque tax
shelter and a newly approved treaty that aims to make sense of the whole
tangled mess! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the quirky inheritor of feudal
Christendom… I give you a veritable patchwork quilt of technocrats squabbling
over milk subsidies. I give you EUROPE! (Turks, Israelis, Russians, Kazaks,
Azerbaijanis, and Nordic Colonial islands also welcome. Everyone join the
party!)
FIFTY-THREE countries are currently competing in NINE (Yes,
NINE) groups. That’s just how we roll. In only one other competition will one
see a “Group I”. That’s right. We have a “GROUP I”!! To hell with that
soft-spoken rat who mentored the Ninja Turtles. Europeans are the original
“Master Splinter”.
With 13 Qualification spots at stake, the individual group
winners will automatically qualify while the eight best group runners-up face
off in a November Aggregate Playoff. Those are the matches you absolutely
CANNOT afford to miss. For now we have two group stage rounds remaining. Most
teams have a total of four matches left, though some only have three. Despite
this only THREE teams (Scotland, San Marino, and the Faroe Islands) have been
mathematically eliminated. Nine teams (Serbia, Wales, Macedonia, Kazakhstan,
Andorra, Azerbaijan, Liechtenstein, Moldova, and Belarus) cling to life by
their fingernails and should, barring some miracle, be eliminated this weekend.
Capable of some quick arithmetic? A full FORTY-ONE teams
remain in contention No country has officially qualified yet, though we can
speculate that the Dutch and Krauts will carry their group. Apart from this
pair, no country leads its group by more than the three points awarded for a
victory.
That means…….Can you FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!? What a fantastic
week of football intrigue lies before us! Nations on the hot seat include (big
surprise) England, France, Norway, Turkey, Sweden, the Czech Republic,
Slovenia, Slovakia, and Poland. It’s no exaggeration to say that all of those
states’ hopes of qualifying are in serious jeopardy. In terms of points,
Spain’s position remains somewhat precarious, but no one can seriously doubt La
Roja’s ability to qualify.
Everyone strap in! All fifty-three countries have been
playing qualifying matches since last autumn, three months after the conclusion
of the European Championship. Only now does it get interesting…..
Friday
Kazakhstan vs. The Faroe Islands
vs. 
Might as well start with a blockbuster. I know that all of you are eagerly anticipating the result of a match that pits a sparsely inhabited former SSR against a mini-archipelago that even the Scottish found too classless to conquer. Damn straight. Head to your local boutique butcher and purchase some Caviar-fed Kobe Beef. You don’t want to be caught throwing cheap EBT-financed Turkey Sausage on the grill when your mates come over to behold the most memorable match that the qualifying stages have to offer.
The Kazakhs are bringing out the “big guns”. They’ve
deputized all of the one player who ever sat on the bench during a match in the
Third Bundesliga! Not to be outdone, the mighty “Almost-Shetlands” have
responded with the very best striker that the Norwegian Fourth League has to
offer.
It’s one for the ages! Sarcastic quips aside, nearly 19,000
people will watch it live in the state-of-the-art Astana Arena situated on the
outskirts of Kazakhstan’s picturesque oasis capital. Nearly 800,000 people call
the oddly modern sprawl home. Still think the Kazakhs were wrong to sue after
Borat?
THE
LINE: Kazakhstan + 4 Goals
Deutschland vs. Austria
vs. 
Anschluß baby! It’s always a gas when these two nations get together. What could possibly go wrong? We’re going to go ahead and bitchslap our limping little brother alpha-Kraut style. Come Saturday morning, the Mannschaft may officially book travel arrangements for Rio.
With respect to the squad, this big news is that Löw has
called up old man Klose for what will surely constitute his farewell tour.
Götze’s now running with the Big Boys at Bayern and Schweine FINALLY appears
fully fit. Other than that, nothing particularly interesting to report. The
Final Stages of the Fatherland’s qualifying campaign generate about as much
intrigue as the upcoming Federal Election. Both are flavorless formalities that
we have to traverse gritting our teeth.
It’s all about execution. Get the job done, Leute. Secure
passage to Brazil and reinstall the inept “Grand Coalition”. Ho-hum. Enthusiasm
deferred.
THE
LINE: Deutschland + 3 Goals
Republic of Ireland vs. Sweden
vs. 
Get ready for one helluva scrappy fight. The Blaugults unexpectedly dropped a gimme to the Austrians back in June, resurrecting the moribund qualifying hopes of Trappatoni & Co.
The Paddies have a serious shot assuming they can run the
table against inconsistent opposition. The cat a’int exactly in the sack (as
Trappatoni would put it), but there’s real reason to assume he a’int dead!
…..
…..
Alright. I’ll admit it. I essentially said the same thing
four years ago ; ( The Micks exert
mystical powers over bookmakers. We talk ourselves into them. We allow
ourselves to be infectiously swayed by such fallacious thoughts as “Perhaps
Keene still has plenty left in the tank”, or “But Hoolahan and O’Shea still
hustle!”
Grrr….Stop talking yourself into them Vicey! Since finishing
a Henry Handball short of a place in South Africa, Trappatoni has stubbornly
clung to a group of aged relics who exhibit about as much creative prowess on
the pitch as the current Taoiseach.
No! NO! Not this time! The man who brought us “WAS ERLAUBT
STRUNZ” is finished and so is his team!
There is no “cat in the sack”! The only fucking cat one
should reference when attempting to prognosticate Irish prospects is
Schrödinger’s. I can’t see inside that box! I’ve no clue if that cat is
breathing! What I do know is that I’m not doing this anymore. ;( I’m through losing
money on these “Erratic Erins!” NO MORE!
WAS ERLAUBT DIE IRREN?
Die Katze ist tot.
”Ich habe Fertig”
THE
LINE: Sweden + 2 Goals
Romania vs. Hungary
vs. 
We’ll label this one the “Castlevannia Clash”. Yes, I’m hopeless. I can’t stop. In eleven years of writing the Syndicate, I’ve not once been able to sit down and compose a section on my Transylvannia..er…Romanians without succumbing to the urge to broach the Belmonts.
Sorry. I own every last deep-cut remix of “Vampire Killer”
that exists. The complete works of the Konami Kukeiha reside on my i-pod. The
pump me up on the treadmill. I really am trying ; ( On this particular day I
resolved to write something enlightening about Bogdan Stancu’s rollicking start
in the Turkish League….then I spent twelve minutes on Youtube jamming’ out to
this remix:
THE
LINE: Romania + 1 Goal
Turkey vs. Andorra
vs. 
How does Europe end up with so many absurdly preposterous microstates? Well, in Andorra’s case there was a valley in the Pyrenees. That’s more or less the story. There was a valley in the Pyrenees. Nice natural fortification. Approximately 1300 years ago, right about the time the Moors turned up, the denizens of the valley discovered just how resourceful natural fortification. Invading Islamic hoards? Fuck that. We’ve got ourselves a Valley! Good luck trying to catch us off guard!
500 years and probably 5000 Counts, Viscounts, Dukes,
Archdukes, Privy Seals, Bishops, Deacons, co-Princes, and other dubious regimes
of authority later, the “People of the Valley” had their own country. Things
may have gotten a bit ridiculous for the Valley dwellers over the course of a
20th Century during which the sophisticated weapons of modern
warfare rendered the whole valley fortification concept moot, but soon they had
another reason for existing. International tax accords? Fuck that. We’ve got
ourselves a Valley! Good luck trying to catch us off guard!
So endeth the lesson. Professor Pete’s Seminar adjourned. Go
Crescent Stars! Auf geht’s Brüder!!
THE
LINE: Turkey + 4 Goals
Estonia vs. The Netherlands
vs. 
This one should prove a treat. “Goofy Finns” vs. “Goofy Germans”. These two countries share in common the undeniable fact that their spoken languages sound like Jerry Lewis on a cocaine bender. (“undeniable” in this context being a highly relative descriptive modifier).
Where “was” we? Oh right. Europhiles such as myself have a
real heartbreak crush on the people of Estonia. They upped their HDI Scores,
accelerated their country’s technological revolution, and even adopted our
crappy currency all within the span of EIGHT years. All of us EU Proponents owe
the Estonian people some major groveling. It’s a genuine EU success story! When
writing on the EU, this ghost has found himself backed into frightening corners
on occasions too numerous to count. Just when I became convinced that I had
accomplished nothing besides destroying my own argument, the Estonians always
come to my rescue. Thanks for pushing Schengen eastward brothers! I owe you my
livelihood.
The Brilliant Orange look set to demolish my beloved heroes
with all the ease of a boulder tripped by an ill-fated field mouse. In spite of
their current struggles “Clockwork Oranje” remain, pound-for-pound, one of the
most dangerous squads in contention. The immortal Louis van Gaal has them
flying like true Dutchmen. They’re entitled to a place in Brazil, much in the
way that Wilhelm was entitled to…….whatever the hell the Dutch monarchy does.
Can someone explain that to me? I understand the British monarchy’s job. They
wave and provide tabloid fodder. What the regnanting fuck do the Dutch royals
do? No one even gossips about them?
THE
LINE: The Netherlands + 5 Goals
Czech Republic vs. Armenia
vs. 
The Czech Republic’s failure to qualify for South Africa 2010 infuriated me so deeply that I wrote the following:
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate: Afterlife”
I won’t have Vaclav Klaus to kick around anymore L. Likewise,
Peter Cech, Thomas Rosicky, Michal Kadlec, Radoslav Kovac, and Jan Simunek and
any reference to how disgusting Pilsner-Urquell tastes are gone…gone I tell
you!!! No!! Why?!?! Everything has gone wrong, thanks to Klaus’s
footnote, I will not be able to reclaim my house in the Sudetenland!!
Speaking of Klaus’s footnote, I believe we may finally concur
that this man has no agenda. The reason? What passes for his “mind” is merely a
historical hangover of paranoia. Seriously, here we have a man who has Europe
by the balls. All 27 Member States watch with bated breath as grumpy uncle
Vaclav composes a list of his demands. What does he want? Money? Sex? Drugs?
Opt-out clauses? Skewed representations? Veto Rights? Parliamentary
horse-trading? Nope. All Uncle Vaclav wants is a guarantee that Germans
expelled after the war will not be legally able to return and claim their land.
Vaclav, I don’t know how you missed this but the war ended 60+ years ago and
the Iron Curtain fell some 20 years ago. During this time, I don’t believe any
Germans have said, “Schatz, why don’t we pack up and head for Opa’s old farm
out in the Sudetenland? Things are cluttered here, especially in the garage. I
need a little Lebensraum.” If this twit is not paranoid about the Germans, it's
the Soviets or the EU. Yet, under his auspices, American slackers have swarmed
Prague “teaching English” and “finding themselves” (That is “being lazy” and
“doing lots of drugs”). You’ve already been invaded, and it ain’t the Krauts
who have taken you over!
I bring this up because Bilek’s underachieving boys look set
to blow it all over again. They’ve dropped valuable points to the Danes, Wops,
and Bulgarians. It doesn’t appear as if they can recover in time. This bookie
did manage to correctly predict that they would surpass expectations in Euro
2012. Accordingly, I’ll now fearlessly augur that they’ll fall tragically short
here. This match serves as their final “walkover”. Enjoy it while you can, my
bitter pills.
THE
LINE: Czech Republic + 2 Goals
Malta vs. Denmark
vs. 
Absolutely hate to be that miserly, egocentric bastard in a self-obsessed mood, but the Danes have had a disastrous qualifying campaign and we won’t be seeing them. This makes me morose. Your friendly bookie loves his Danes. Upon confirming that they secured qualification four years ago, he had this to write:
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate: Afterlife”
Copenhagen’s comin’ along! Hmm. I should preface that I am
referring to the Danish National Football Team and not the “Climate Change
Treaty”. That accord is not “coming along” very well at all. If you’re hoping
for some sort of multilateral breakthrough at the Copenhagen Conference in
December (that includes you Angie), you’re dreaming! Kyoto had much more
willpower, and cuter waitresses. I’ve been searching everywhere for the U.S.
Position Points for the Copenhagen Conference, only to discover that there
aren’t any. Whoops. This could be Barack Obama’s worst visit to Copenhagen
since…..nevermind. Let’s skip it.
I’m ordinarily not a fan of the Danes. They ticketed me once
for crashing a Lego Car. On top of that, they want to kill puppies and eat
kittens. Okay I made the part about kittens up. In spite of my preconceived
prejudices, I’m getting motivated for the Danes using two new cheers I just
invented:
1) Ever since a Jeopardy! Clue a couple of weeks ago, I’ve had
the song “Da Da Da” from 1980s German New Wave Band “Trio” stuck in my head.
Though the German Kraftwerk clones disbanded in 1985, a Volkswagen commercial
in 1997 revived the song and elevated the band to cult status. Does anyone
remember what I’m talking about?
“Da Da Da. Ich lieb dich nicht du liebst mich nicht….uh-uh…da
da da” Two guys drive around in a Volkswagen Golf, pick up a couch from the
garbage and then drop it after determining that it doesn’t smell so good?
Anyone? Oh for Christ Sake, here’s the link:
The song is virtually impossible to expel from one’s head.
Here’s my effort:
“Da Da Danes….Da Da Danes…….Da Da Danes……Da Da Danes. Ich lieb
euch nicht. Ihr liebt mich nicht…uh-uh….Da Da Danes…..Da Da Danes…..Da Da
Danes”
2) Gøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø Danes!!!!
Yes, like a Druish Prince at Hanukah, I am so overjoyed to have
found out how to make an “ø” on my keyboard. Now all I have left to figure out
is this weird Froggy circumflex. Join me in welcoming the following Danish
players:
-Anders Møller Christenson
-Thomas Sørenson
-Per Krøldrup
-Jesper Grønkjar
-Martin Jørgenson
-Beøwulf
“Vicey, you’ve just posted old material for the SECOND
consecutive match!! I cry foul!!”
Regrettably true. ; ( ; ( No deliberate laziness here. I simply can’t think of
anything interesting to tell you about Malta. Their team is nicknamed “The
Maltese Falcons” Wow. Who would have guessed?
THE
LINE: Denmark + 4 Goals
Italy vs. Bulgaria
vs. 
We haven’t seen the Bulgarians since EM 2004. Now they’re kicking ass, taking names, and threatening to burst back onto our radar. They’ve even done it all without Dimitar Berbatov or Lothar Matthäus. The Lions have an energetic young captain in striker Ivelin Popov and priceless veteran leadership from mainstays like Georgi Iliev and Stanislav Manolev.
This match notwithstanding, they have a soft enough schedule
to attain a playoff spot down the stretch. For now they’ll have to contend with
a loss courtesy of a Balotelli Brace. After that, we should be prepared to
welcome back our Sofia Siblings.
THE
LINE: Italy + 2 Goals
Macedonia vs. Wales
vs. 
Here we have something that doesn’t exactly qualify as a football match. The Macedonians (a.k.a. F.Y.R.O.M) are a former Yugoslav Republic whose only claim to fame involves regularly pissing off the Greeks. The Welsh (a.k.a. ‘The Arthurians’) are nothing more than sad vestigial descendants of once proud Roman colonizers forced into cramped inbreeding by Gothic and Nordic invaders.
If nothing about the above paragraph makes any sense to you,
it’s okay ; ) I don’t blame you for not wasting your life reading obscure
irrelevant nonsense. There’s a new flavor of potato chips in the aisle of your
local supermarket. Give them a try and relax. In the final analysis, I’m sure
you’ll end up much happier than me. ; ) I mean that sincerely. Enjoy your life
; )
Back to this puzzling encounter. What to make of a match
between two bottom feeders? My money’s on Gareth Bale. He’s incredible. What a
footballer! Congrats on your Real contract Gareth!
THE
LINE: Wales + 1 Goal
Serbia vs. Croatia
vs. 
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Might as well organize a “Sunni vs. Shi’ite” match. Have a real bad feeling about this one. ; ( It’s scheduled to take place in Belgrade…with a German referee. I’ll reiterate my long held belief that Croat fans are nothing more than a bunch of worthless hooligans:
From EM 2012—Day Seven Recap
Fuck you, you puerile tablecloth-clad fucktards. You’re
useless. You Slavic sacks of shit! Nothing more than an embarrassment to
football, yourselves, and the human race in general. Cart your smelly Slavic
arses the hell out of this EM. You can get the fuck out of NATO, the UN, and
any other civilized inter-governmental organization while you’re at it. Fuck
your EU-Membership bid. You make the Greeks look responsible. You want to
behave like a bunch of disorderly children? Do it in own shitty, squalid,
foul, and detestable homeland. You were guests of the Poles this week, just as
you were guests of the Germans in 2006. Still you continue to throw your
burning road flares onto the pitch. Do you also take a steaming shit on
someone’s dinner table when they invite you over and cook for you? Wouldn’t put
it past such detestable, disgusting savages such as yourselves.
What the Slav-stenching fuck is wrong with you morons? You
ignore the appeals of your own players. You deny them an offensive counter as
they disappeared into the smoke. You hold on to a ball shot into the stands,
further depriving your boys of a chance to score a go-ahead goal. No more, Mr.
Nice Kraut. You want road flares? I’m going to “invite” myself over to your
country to burn every last one of your shitty hovels to the ground.
As for the Serbs…..the got Mladic! They did it. They won’t
qualify for Brazil, but they’ll earn a moral victory against the Croat
reserves.
THE
LINE: Serbia + 1 Goal
Scotland vs. Belgium
vs. 
The Belgians are most assuredly headed to Brazil. Let that sink in. It’s happening. The most arbitrarily conceived country in the entire history of the planet is coming along. This bookie can scarcely believe it. The Belgians?!!?
It’s been over ten years since I’ve written something about
the Belgians. Here’s what I had to say back in 2002:
From “WM 2002—The Humble Beginnings of a Syndicate”
Belgium
Though this team has attained the title of “Red Devils”, I
prefer to call them the “Brussels Sprouts”. Beyond Bruge and Anderslecht, there
exists no perceptible reason to give two shits about Belgium football…let alone
the country itself. Douglas Adams once bleatingly fictionalized an instance in
which Belgium was the most obscene intergalactic insult. Good for him. I cannot
expect to top that.
I’m shakin’ in my boots. The Scots have already been
eliminated. The “Belgian Red Devils” will take advantage. I’ve less than ten
months to get acquainted with the Belgians. This isn’t happening ; ( ; (
THE
LINE: Belgium +1 Goal
Norway vs. Cyprus
vs. 
Who else is tired of reading about Cyprus? Trick question. This divided microcosm of a country conceals lessons of vital importance for all of us. Ahem. When dealing with the freewheeling arithmetically inclined wizards of international finance, is it really fair to fuck over pensioners in the interest of obverting contagion/preserving the integrity of the globalized fake commodity exchange?
The answer is “hell no”, even if the crucial thrust of
entrepreneurship suggests otherwise. No reason to hate on mathematically sound
economists. They know what they’re doing, even if they happen to be horribly
shitty writers (think Paul Krugman). Capitalism isn’t the enemy. What no one
should abide is the ruthless use of monetary policy. The Cypriot Solution was
to sacrifice the hard-earned living of honest workers in order to catch a few
tax cheats. Noble goal. Still, monetary policy always tends towards the better
off.
Consider our current “QE Situation”. By artificially
suppressing interest rates, we assist those willing to leverage while punishing
those hoping to save. This is theoretically supposed to spur a sustainable
economic recovery. Well…it’s been over five years. Anyone see a sustainable
economic recovery?
I’m still looking. Maybe it’s between the couch cushions…. ;
( ; (
THE
LINE: Norway + 3 Goals
Slovenia vs. Albania
vs. 
Interesting...two tiny states vying for influence. One is an EU member. The other fights for a seat at OSCE meetings. We’ll stick with Slovenia, even if they remain unkind to their ethnic Albanian minority.
THE
LINE: Slovenia +2 Goals
Switzerland vs. Iceland
vs. 
The preceding Summer afforded your friendly bookie a chance to deeply research the “Ice Dottirs”
From
FEM 2013—Round Three
10) Iceland (Previously #3)
“Sorry girls. It was pure laziness that led me to effectively
skip over you as if you were some worthless backwater like Mississippi. I
fucked up. You have no much to offer this tournament. Your striking beauty AND
striking prowess shall henceforth not be overlooked! Trouble is, it will take
me time to sort through the tangled, sordid mess that is your surnames. You’re
all named Dóttir! I’m not kidding. Have I stumbled into some sort of comically
devised RPG dwarf village? I can’t reasonably be expected to differentiate
between you right away. Give me time. I’ll get to you when I can. I do have a
job, you know.”
I can’t believe I forgot! The suffix “dottir” means “daughter”.
All Icelandic children are named “sson” or “dottir”! Think of the great Magnus
VerMagnusson! Duh. Anyway, it’s been a pleasure getting to know this team.
Having been busy, I’m still a little slow on the uptake. No matter. I’ll have
more to write about this team….just not tonight ; )
This isn’t to say that I don’t wish the “ssons” all the best,
especially against the parasitical Swiss. It’s still not going to work.
THE
LINE: Switzerland +2 Goals
Russia vs. Luxembourg
vs. 
We’re not having the discussion on Russia’s anti-gay laws. Zero chance. Pour all the Stoli down the drain if it makes you feel better. Talk about boycotting the Sochi Olympics if you must. I personally find it uninteresting, and that has nothing to do with the ever-blunt Dan Savage. Express your identity in whatever way you choose. I’m just not interested.
Enough “Identity Politics” research. I’ve done my time. I put in my years.
Leave me in peace ; )
THE
LINE: Russia + 3 Goals
Northern Ireland vs. Portugal
vs. 
The Unionists aren’t getting anywhere here. Slaughter time,
you blind protestant tools.
THE
LINE: Portugal + 5 Goals
Israel vs. Azerbaijan
vs. 
On the topic of “bad jokes”, a Jewish kid asks his father for five dollars:
Kid: Dad, can I borrow five dollars?
Dad: TEN DOLLARS?? What do you need fifteen dollars for?
Kid: Ummmm…I actually wanted…
Dad: I’m sure as hell not going to give you twenty dollars
unless you give me a good reason why I should loan you thirty dollars.
Kid: The candy costs…
Dad: No way I’m giving you fifty dollars. Everyone asks me
for an extra one hundred dollars. I’m not a bank! No thousand dollars for you!
Kid: Er….forget it.
Dad: I’m not forgetting two million dollars!!
The Jews retain the status of the favorites. That doesn’t
mean I’m rooting for them. Not after this:
THE
LINE: Israel +1 Goal
Latvia vs. Lithuania
vs. 
Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania. Three countries that should have joined the Euro-zone as soon as the Great Recession hit. A quick look above will inform you as to why I only continue to care about one of them.
THE LINE: Pick em’
Bosnia & Herzegovina vs. Slovakia
vs. 
Vladimir Weiss Sr. no longer pulls the strings. Vladimir
Weiss Jr. remains active as a productive midfielder for Olympiacos. It’s up to
you whether or not you wish to believe in B & H after the loss of
Montenegro and (tangentially) Kosovo. Pick your Balkan poison.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Greece vs. Liechtenstein
vs. 
Both countries may be a joke of sorts, but one of them knows
how to please their Portuguese coach. Make your wager.
THE
LINE: Greece +3 Goals
England vs. Moldova
vs. 
Four years ago I opined a bit on Moldova’s “mini revolution”
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with Avengeance”
Israel v. Moldova
I must be careful not to say about against Moldova here.
They’re quite good at using Facebook to organize violence.
Such words were written long before the onset of the Arab
Spring. We didn’t yet know about the power of the Tunisians to organize.
Moreover, we couldn’t have foreseen the ability of the Egyptians, Libyans, Syrians,
Yemenis and Bahrainis to follow suit.
However much power we invest in “Facebook Revolutions”, one
must recall how they failed in places like Moldova, Iran, Egypt (yes), and
Bahrain (double yes). Sometimes the power of short-term
gratification just isn’t enough….
THE
LINE: England + 1 Goal
Ukraine vs. San Marino
vs. 
Shevchencko’s forgotten gang sits in a precarious position. Tymoschuk and Yaromolenko need a big win here to stay alive. They’ll deliver…for now.
THE
LINE: Ukraine + 6 Goals
Poland vs. Montenegro
vs. 
The Poles don’t have a great of hope left. They have about
as much hope as Kaczynski has of recapturing the presidency. They’ll win this
one, but not by enough to resuscitate their hopes.
THE
LINE: Poland +2 Goals
Georgia vs. France
vs. 
I hate proffering unoriginal thoughts!!! We must simply because we must,,,..
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate: Afterlife”
f) Medvedev came. Sign of class. Russian leadership may be
ruthless, but no, paranoid nut jobs…they are not interested in re-conquering
Eastern Europe. And don’t you even think about feeding me this Georgian War
bullshit! Though Russia should take responsibility for issuing passports,
recognizing the independence of Abkhazia/South Ossetia, and escalating the
conflict, it seems to me impossible, based on the OSCE Report, that they
started the whole mess. Saakashvili clearly fired the first shot. He too, is a
supreme dick.
Fuck Saakashvili. The man is a virus. Blanc and the boys
will win big.
THE
LINE: France + 3 Goals
Finland vs. Spain
vs. 
La Roja shouldn’t even be required to qualify. THREE major titles in succession? Why can’t we just proclaim “case closed”?
THE
LINE: Spain +4 Goals
Tuesday
Macedonia vs. Scotland
vs. Farewell to the Scots. They were colonized by wankers anyway. Last chance.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Wales vs. Serbia
vs.
Might as well kiss the Serbs goodbye while we’re at it. They
may win this one, but it’s definitely over.
THE
LINE: Serbia + 2 Goals
Armenia vs. Denmark
vs.
The Danes will win big. One can’t help but feel sorry for
one’s poor auto mechanic. I miss you, Sepu ; ) Fuck those useless self-entitled
Californians! You’re doing a great job!
THE
LINE: Denmark + 2 Goals
Malta vs. Bulgaria
vs. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz….hrmph! What say you? The Maltese Falcons vs. The Tricolor Lions? I was in the midst of a perfectly good dream! Asshole!
Zzzzzzzzz……
THE
LINE: Bulgaria +2 Goals
Italy vs. Czech Republic
vs. Do or die time for Billek and the boys. Here’s where it gets interesting.
THE
LINE: Italy +2 Goals
Kazakhstan vs. Sweden
vs.
vs.
IBRA-HIM-O-VIC!! It’s his time to shine. He might even score
a goal worthy of this one:
THE
LINE: Sweden + 3 Goals
Austria vs. Ireland
vs. The Paddies might pull out a win here. Then again….it’s probably time for Trappatoni to return to Italy.
THE
LINE: Austria +1 Goal
Faroe Islands vs. Deutschland
vs. Point of clarification requested. Is it pronounced [FA-rOW] Islands or [PHA-ROAH] Islands?
Keep in mind that the following line is by no means a typo.
THE
LINE: Deutschland +11 Goals
Romania vs. Turkey
vs. No typo here either. This bookie expects nothing but the best from his Turks.
THE
LINE: Turkey +2 Goals
Andorra vs. The Netherlands
vs. What sort of sick joke is this? It’s Europe. The whole damn continent is a sick joke ; (
THE
LINE: The Netherlands + 6 Goals
Hungary vs. Estonia
vs.
I’m very glad that both of these countries broke free of
Soviet oppression. I’m also very glad that no one cares about either one of
them…except for us Europhiles ; )
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Norway vs. Switzerland
vs. The Swiss deserve to know it feels like to face off against a “real country”. Hence, the line is high. Good luck there, alpine assholes. I’ll see you in Brazil…but I won’t be happy about it.
THE
LINE: Norway + 1 Goal
Cyprus vs. Slovenia
vs.
Alonzo Bodden likes to ask, “who’s payin’ attention”? Not
me. Not when it come to this match.
THE
LINE: Slovenia + 4 Goals
Iceland vs. Albania
vs. I don’t even know what to say. It’s the Shark Fishermen versus the Mediterranean wannabes. Everyone wants to be a star. The footballers contesting this match should keep that in mind.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Russia vs. Israel
vs. Among the things that the Israelis should keep in mind: You wouldn’t have a fucking country were it not for Russian immigrants. You shouldn’t even have a country if you’re not willing to be humble about it. You only have your country because WE (the world) let you have it, We felt sorry for you. Don’t test our patience.
THE
LINE: Russia + 1 Goal
Luxembourg vs. Northern Ireland
vs. Don’t hate the Ulster Unionists. Don’t hate Sinn Fein either (even if they deserve to be hated). The Syndicate is non-sectarian…just like the “Holy Family” in “The Boxer”. We love all people, sophisticated Jews and barbaric Arabs alike.
Still striving to get used to the idea of Luxembourg without
Jean-Claude Junker. It’s akin to getting used to gasoline without a mark-up. It
just doesn’t compute. Someone recruit Junker back.
THE
LINE: Northern Ireland +1 Goal
Lithuania vs. Liechtenstein
vs. Who’s side are you on? The “sliver” of a country or the “silver” of country? My money’s on the rich biatches….at least for now.
THE
LINE: Lithuania + 1 Goal
Slovakia vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina
vs. It’s not that I’m against B & H. They simply don’t have it in them; not after Sliskovic left anyway. Bosnian qualification is all but certain. S’true. We’ll see them in Brazil. Do they possess the strength to fend off worthy opponents in a meaningless match? This bookie says no.
THE LINE:
Slovakia + 2 Goals
Greece vs. Latvia
vs. If only everyone could kindly stop shamelessly satirizing the Greeks…..let them be. They’ve suffered enough already. Come on over to Brazil.
THE
LINE: Greece +3 Goals
Ukraine vs. England
vs. As evenly matched as these two sides are, one has to assume that Three Lions will manage to dig deep and eke out a victory.
THE
LINE: England +1 Goal
San Marino vs. Poland
vs. Awfully close in Group H. With goal differential sure to be a factor, both Lewandoski and Blaszczykowski better be on the hunt for Hat Tricks.
THE
LINE: Poland +6 Goals
Georgia vs. Finland
vs.
Several Syndicate members have signed up for Finnish courses
at the Learning Annex after meeting Tujia Hyyryen:
From FEM 2013—Quarterfinals
Tuija Hyyryen affords us an opportunity to explore the once
again explore the indefinable concept of the “Perfect Girl Next Door”.
(Sometimes referred to as “The Pristine Farmer’s Daughter” in certain circles.)
What do guys mean by this? I’ve tried to tackle this in previous installments
and honestly haven’t done all that great of a job at all : (
I’m still fumbling for answers. All one can truly say concerns
the fact that there is a certain kind of adorable cuteness that makes even the
most foulmouthed of sinners want to foreswear drinking, cursing, and
gambling….forever. One look at Tuija Hyyryen leaves one feeling as if its time
to move to the country, buy a tractor, and start a small ministry. Don’t take
my word for it, now. See for yourself:
…..
…..
…..
I need to buy a farm. Doesn’t anyone know where I can find some
reasonably priced sheep? No more gambling columns for your friendly bookie. All
I want to do is scythe grass, breed bunnies, and cultivate alfalfa sprouts. I
want to wake up to this beautiful girl’s incredible smile every morning, and
make sweet passionate love to her every night. Time to settle down and get back
to the simple life. We’ll till the earth until 4 p.m., then play football with
the kids in the field until sunset. Country Roads….take me home…to ze
place…….where I BELONG!
Whoa. What just happened there? SNAP OUT OF IT VICEY! Whew. I
don’t know where I just was, but I’m back. How do these “Girls Next
Door/Pristine Farmer’s Daughters” do it? I still can’t tell you exactly. Three
factors help.
1) Height
She has to be small. No taller than 5’5’’ (164 cms). Taller
women engender an entirely different sort of attraction.
2) Facial Structure
All varieties work, but “The Girl Next Door” has to sport a
round-ish face.
3) Smile
That smile constitutes the “real deal”. She’s not faking or
posing! Everything about it screams, “Don’t you want to get to know a nice
girl? I’m not crazy! I’m sweet and mentally stable! I won’t drive you up the
fucking wall with incessant neediness!”
Beyond that, most men exhibit two kinds of inherent primal
attraction. The first is pure, unadulterated sexual lust:
EXAMPLE:
“Holy shit! Did you see the ass on that redhead? What I
wouldn’t tear up given a few minutes alone in the dark with that! Follow the
erection!
However, a man’s softer, more supple paternalistic instincts
shouldn’t be discounted either.
EXAMPLE:
“Awww..Look at the sweet, innocent little round-faced girl. I’d
love to cradle her in my arms and tenderly love her like a big brother.”
The former type leads to some fairly rough sexual escapades and
over ninety-five percent of one’s relationships. Very rarely does the latter
type lead to anything other than friendship. It’s not an implicitly sexual
attraction, after all. Once in a very blue moon, a girl can somehow dial up the
right combination of these two instincts and the man swoons in a way even Percy
Sledge couldn’t sing about. He’ll give up EVERYTHING. That’s the magic of “The
Girl Next Door”
THE
LINE: Finland + 3 Goals
Belarus vs. France
vs. Yeah….good stopping point for today. White Russian, anyone?
THE
LINE: France +3 Goals
FINAL
QUALIFYING ROUND—AFC
Just about wrapped up here as the Asian Football Confederation heads into its fifth and final round. Asian qualifying features two knockout stage rounds followed by two group stages. Higher ranked teams are allowed to bypass the aggregate knockout rounds by being seeded. No big shocks as World Cup regulars Japan, South Korea, and Australia took advantage of high seeding that enabled them to sit out the first two rounds. The Iranians only received a first round bye, but were fortunate enough to draw the Maldives in the midst of a coup for the easy advance.
Some interesting countries made it out of the First Round.
The Vietnamese thrashed Macau 13-1 on aggregate before getting convincingly
thrown out by Qatar. Basement ranked teams (the Philippines and Myanmar) both
pulled upsets. Chinese Taipei (Taiwan) came oh so close to scalping the
Malaysians.
None of the First Round victors advanced to the group
stages, but we still got an interesting mix. Lucky draws for Singapore
(Malaysia), Lebanon (Bangladesh) Thailand (Palestine), Tajikistan (Syria) saw
them through. In Tajikistan’s case, they even lost both playoff legs to Syria,
but were subsequently awarded a forfeit after the world’s powder keg was found
to have fielded an ineligible player. Tsk. Tsk. Cheating Syrians. Who would
have imagined that?
Despite being placed in arguably the weakest group the Chinese
blew it….again. This go around they dropped points to far less talented
Jordanian and Iraqi sides. The Koreans and Australians breezed through their
respective Third Round Groups on cruise control, while the Japanese struggled
to secure narrow wins against the Tajiks and North Koreans. In what may very
well be the biggest upset of any qualifying match, the Uzbeks blanked the Japs
1-0 in front of 42,000 Shell-shocked Nippons at Toyota Stadium.
Surprise participants in the Fourth Round Group stage included
Lebanon, Oman, and Jordan. While the first two floundered predictably, Jordan
somewhat managed to earn improbable victories against BOTH the Japs and the
Aussies.
That brings us to this week’s playoff. The Third Place teams
from each Fourth Round Group will square off against one another. The aggregate
winner of these two matches will go on to face the fifth placed team from Latin
America in an inter-continental playoff.
Friday
Jordan vs. Uzbekistan
vs. 
In honor of Herman Cain, I’ve long since proposed that the latter country be rechristened “Uz-beki-beki-stan-stan”. Get used to that gag, as you’ll see a great deal more of it. The “White Wolves” are a better football team. They’ve got Vitaly Denisov of Lokomotiv Moscow and Server Djeparaov of Seongham in Korea. One’s heart often tends toward Jordan, home of benevolent and educated monarchs who take white women as wives.
No, King Abdullah II isn’t the son of Queen Noor (the
American third wife) He’s the issue of King Hussein’s second wife (The Brit).
And…he proved quite adept at picking a hot wife for himself. Queen Rania looks
scorching, even at the age of 42:
Yes, the Jordanians know how to keep their shit tight. This
is an old school royal family that believes in über-educating their children.
No inbred decadent dullards here. Study your ass off if you want to be King.
You’ve got twelve siblings to compete against. It’s something of a meritocracy,
despite being a monarchy. Who knows if it will last? American comedians of
Arabic heritage seem to like it.
All “the royal we” know for sure is that they won’t be
coming to Brazil.
THE
LINE: Uzbekistan +1 Goal
Tuesday
Jordan vs. Uzbekistan
vs.
And on home turf, the Uzbeks will seal the deal.
THE
LINE: Uzbekistan +2 Goals
SECOND
QUALIFYING ROUND—CAF
Thanks to last Winter’s “CAN 2013—Syndicate: Dark Continent” and the prominence of the Super Eagles at this Summer’s Confederations Cup, I’m more pumped up than ever for what promised to be one the best African Rounds yet! Viva Africa!
Before delving into all the fascinating up-to-date news,
let’s undertake a brief flit into the past:
From
WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with Avengeance”
Quite an action-packed weekend on tap for Africa Fans! Right at
the top, I should take a page from Brüno and Sarah Palin and suggest we stop
treating the whole of Africa as a continent. If Muammar Gaddafi AU Presidency
didn’t convince you, perhaps the stones he garnered for his rambling U.N.
address will. According to some reports, a total of THREE interpreters said,
“fuck it. I’m tired and this guy is batshit crazy.” He finished with an empty
booth. Beyond the comic relief, you have a largely authoritarian Arab north, an
East plagued by ethnic conflict, a West perpetually afflicted by resource
conflict and a south that just can’t seem to assume the mantle.
I suppose what I’m advocating is a more regionalized
integration project. “Ubuntu” may be more effective if its not continent
wide. But what the hell do I know? I’m no Horace Campbell. I do
know that we’ll be missing out on some quality Sub-Saharan teams, some of which
could truly use a World Cup Berth to cheer about. It looks as if Cote d’ivoire
will finish qualifying by the end of the weekend. Sadly, the same cannot be
said for Kenya, Rwanda, Benin, Guinea, Burkina Faso, Mali, and Malawi. Tough
road ahead for Gabon, Togo, and Nigeria too.
Hehehe. Love it. The former paragraph demonstrates that
things do indeed change while the latter evidences the fact that your friendly
bookie can indeed spend four years complaining about the SAME DAMN THING. ; )I
suppose the least cynical conclusion one can draw from it is that the world
changes, but Vicey doesn’t appear to ; ( Yep. That’s the LEAST cynical
conclusion.
CAF Qualifying utilizes a Euro-Asia Hybrid System. Higher
ranked countries are automatically seeded into a single Group Stage whilst
lower ranked ones must earn their place via an Aggregate Knockout Round.
28 Nations were automatically seeded into the Group Stage
while 24 lower ranked countries fought for the remaining twelve spots. The
forty. CAF then divides the forty teams into ten groups. Ten group winners then
square off against each other for Africa’s five qualifying places.
Of the twelve “Cinderella Candidates” emerging from the
Knockout Stage only Ethiopia remains alive. The Africans will play their final
group stage games this week with the playoffs to take place in October and
November. The 21 eliminated teams are: the Central African Republic (C.A.R),
Sierra Leone, Equatorial Guinea, Morocco, Tanzania, Gambia, Sudan, Lesotho,
Niger, Namibia, Kenya, Zimbabwe, Guinea, Mozambique, Mali, Benin, Rwanda, Congo
DR, Togo, Angola and Liberia.
The only teams having already clinched advancement are
Algeria, Egypt, and Cote D’Ivoire. Seven more teams will join this trio at the
conclusion of the round. Of the 19 teams still in contention South Africa looks
to be on the hot seat. Their qualification hopes are on life support.
Friday
Ghana vs. Zambia
vs. 
Rest in peace, Professor John Atta Mills. The Black Stars shall rise again. You have the Americans to beat, do you not?
THE
LINE: Ghana +1 Goal
Saturday
Angola vs. Liberia
vs. 
The Black Antelopes have already been eliminated….and I
already miss them.
From CAN 2013—“Syndicate: Dark Continent”
Viva la Black Antelopes! I’m positively giddy about seeing this
country compete again. That isn’t to suggest that I have in any way forgotten
the shameful fatal attack by Cabndian Rebels when they shot up the Togolese
convoy during the 2010 African Cup of Nations. Christ, what a terrible episode.
Every football lover recalls that abhorrently horrendous day. Much like
Adebayor and the entire Togolese squad, I was out after that.
As hosts that year, the Angolans bore the responsibility of
providing adequate security. The possibility that the country’s endemic civil
strife would spill over into an opportunistic strike against military escorts
should have been anticipated. Shame on all those involved in the logistics.
Angola should have been punished, not Togo.
Of course, we must ultimately put such tragic occurrences
behind us. After all, the Angolans were not actually the perpetrators of such
heinous acts. Some dickless separatist rebels were. The victims included all
those involved in the tournament, including football lovers worldwide. If there
remains something to be resentful toward, let’s settle on those arbitrary 1884
borders. There we are. Place the blame on Bismarck and move on…
The Black Antelopes were one of the real treats of the 2006
World Cup in Germany. Arguably the weakest team in the tournament, they fought
exceedingly hard to supply us all with some thoroughly entertaining football.
That team also featured colorful characters like Flavio, Titi Buego, Lebo Lebo,
and Akwa. The fans were an instant hit in beloved old Deutschland, as was the
only AFRICAN coach to actually coach an AFRICAN team (Luis Olivera Gonclaves).
Current squad director Gustavo Ferrin is a Uruguayan who
arrived from across the pond just last summer. His team selection reeks of
insecurity and desperation. In the past month he’s called up a now 33-year-old
Flavio, a nearly 34-year-old Love, along with well past-their-prime elders Dede
and Gilberto.
The use of such “blasts from tournament’s past” will likely
prove decisively dumb, given the tantamount importance of speed in the African
game, particularly in the middle of the pitch. There is hope in that strikers
Manucho and Matheus appear in peak form…but that will matter little if no one
can generate some useful feeders.
THE
LINE: Angola +2 Goals
Senegal vs. Uganda
vs. 
The “Lions of Teranga” should finally make their may back into a meaningful international competition. Can’t wait to see you guys. Macky Sall kicks ass!
The
LINE: Senegal +2 Goals
South Africa vs. Botswana
vs. 
Do or die time for Igesund and Bafana. We’ll predict a win here, but only by the slightest of margins.
THE
LINE: South Africa +1 Goal
Central African Republic vs. Ethiopia
vs. 
The overachieving Antelopes have us all in a state of shock. I cannot expect them to hang on. Honestly. As a thrice-bitten East Africa lover, I refuse to bet on the realization of this dream.
THE
LINE: C.A.F. + 2 Goals
Sierra Leone vs. Equatorial Guinea
vs. 
Nothing much to report on, given that both of these
countries are eliminated. There is this little prize of a nugget from the past:
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with Avengeance”:
Once more tranquil times resume, we must take up the cause of
the preponderance of countries on this planet named some variant of “Guinea”.
We’ve got “Guinea”, “Equatorial Guinea”, “Guinea-Bissau”, “Papua New Guinea”,
“Guyana” and “French Guinea” (in South America). Arghhh!! This single-handedly
sunk my chances for the Jeopardy! College Championship. L
THE
LINE: Equatorial Guinea + 1 Goal
Tunisia vs. Cape Verde
If only we could retain some hope for the beloved
Archipelago:
From
CAN 2013—“Syndicate—Dark Continent”
Cape Verde (Winning Odds 11-1)
Er…right. Apparently, the Seychelles couldn’t make it. They had
a “business lunch”. The “one-two” 2012/2013 Punch has lent this
tournament some much-needed diversity. The 2012 affair featured a record three
countries competing for the first time in ANY sort of international stage. Last
year, the boys from the Kalahari Bush (otherwise known as the Botswana Zebras)
somehow managed to sneak in. Niger punched through surprisingly and Equatorial
Guinea made their debut as co-hosts.
Such an unfamiliar makeup represented a marked shift from
previous years, and a welcome one at that. In far too many previous tournaments
one could likely rattle off the names of the contesting countries without even
following the qualifying rounds. The traditional West African powerhouses (Cote
d’Ivoire, Nigeria, Cameroon, Senegal and Ghana) would be present alongside the
Northwest mainstays (Algeria, Morocco, Egypt and Tunisia) with a perhaps a
token Southern Country (Angola, Mozambique, or East Africa) thrown in for good
measure.
The times may be a-changing, though the pace can seem
agonizingly glacial. The competition remains predominantly a West African
Affair; with Ethiopia’s return after a thirty-plus year absence the only
country giving residents east of the Congo reason to cheer. Then there’s this
former Portuguese colonial archipelago, situated a few hundred miles due Wet of
the Senegalese coast.
Upon first learning that I would have to compose something on
Cape Verde, I’ll admit to some fleeting excitement at the prospect of
discussing how two jumbo jets collided on a runway, killing 583 people all
because a Dumbass Dutchmen couldn’t get the basics of taxing straight. The only
problem with ruminating on that carnage is that….well..I looked it up that
actually happened on the CANARY ISLANDS, some thousands of kilometers north.
Oops.
So –sadly-- no carnage then, but at least we have an intriguing
football team to discuss. The Blue Sharks shocked the Indomitable Lions of
Cameroon (whose glory days now appear officially over) to qualify for their
first-ever notable international tournament. CS Maritimo forward Heldon Nhuck
capped a magnificent qualifying round with a scorcher of an away goal right in
front of a demoralized crowd at the Stade Ahmadou Ahidjo. Nhuck headlines a balanced
team filled with names immediately recognizable to followers of the Portuguese
Primeira and France’s Ligue Une. The preponderance of European first stringers
proves enough to give these Creoles the highest FIFA ranking of those in Group
A.
Ahem…syndicate regulars may correctly deduce what comes next.
FUCK THE FIFA Rankings!! Utterly useless! Fit for wrapping kitty litter and
nothing more. I personally don’t see the sharks swimming out of the group.
THE
LINE: Tunisia + 2 Goals
Gambia vs. Tanzania
vs. 
I love and cherish my “Taifa Stars” jersey. I’ll even wear it on Saturday as my team gets crushed.
THE
LINE: Gambia + 2 Goals
Cote d’Ivoire vs. Morocco
vs. 
Just because they’ve already qualified for the next round, don’t expect “Les Elephants” to lie down. Time to take out the “Lions of the Atlas”, and their complacent king too.
THE
LINE: Cote d’Ivoire +1 Goal
Burkina Faso vs. Gabon
vs. 
May Omar Bongo forever rot in hell…I do believe that’s all I
have to say here.
THE
LINE: Burkina Faso +1 Goal
Niger vs. Congo NDR
vs. 
“Congo NDR” stands for “non-democratic-Republic”. This isn’t to suggest that the Republic of the Congo is, in fact, “non-democratic”. In fact, the former “French Congo” (Congo NDR) is far more democratic than the former “Belgian Congo” (Zaire/Congo DR). Nguesso may lack legitimate competition, but his state remains a multi-party democracy. This is in stark contrast to Kabila’s “Congo DR”. Though he should be rightly credited with winding down the civil war, the incursions of Hutu nationalists into his territory and the current M-23 rebellion shouldn’t be written off so easily.
After a lackluster African Cup of Nations, we shouldn’t
expect too much out of Niger here. Since both teams are eliminated, however,
we’ll go ahead and call it a pick.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Kenya vs. Namibia
vs. 
Hard to know what to make of this one too. I’ll go ahead and congratulate Kenyatta and Ruto…but only for now. Insofar as I’m concerned, they’re still both suspected war criminals. Innocent until proven guilty, but suspicion lingers.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Nigeria vs. Malawi
vs. 
You MUST come through, “Super Eagles”!! It won’t be the same
without you!!
THE
LINE: Nigeria + 2 Goals
Zimbabwe vs. Mozambique
vs. 
Mugabe at least assured the whiteys that no one would ever
again confuse “Zimbabwe” with “Mozambique”. What a sad day for us all ; ( ;( We
all watched with horror as the once-upon-a-time populist who freed the people
of the former Rhodesia stole another damn election. : (
I have no evidence to back that up, by the way.
International observers weren’t allowed in, but O.A.U. and A.U. monitors insist
that the election was clean. It’s entirely possible that the Zimbabweans
lawfully and properly restored Mugabe to full power….just as the Americans
lawfully and properly gave Bush a second term.
After the turbulent election of four years ago, the
Supermarket Shelves have remained fully stocked. Sometimes that’s all people
need to stick with their leadership. The man with the pencil-thin Hitler
mustache continues to patronize his civil workers with regular pay raises and
continues to re-possess white farms. That might have been enough.
I still consider him a madman. Boasting about “Throwing out
the garbage”? Fuck that. The man deserves to die Quadaffi-style.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Sunday
Sudan vs. Lesotho
vs. 
Lesotho is actually a really cool place. It’s nestled in a valley of the Drakensberg Mountains. Its elevation makes it the “Highest Kingdom on Earth”. Without reviving the “Valley Speech” from earlier, I’ll go ahead and call it an “Idyllic Enclave”.
Who wouldn’t want to live in a Mountain Kingdom? I bet you
can earn EXP just by talking to the right villagers. : )
Omar al-Bashir must stand trial.
THE
LINE: Sudan +3 Goals
Benin vs. Rwanda
vs. 
Can’t bring myself to care. Both of these countries got
fucked over by the French. Not as much as Togo, but still…
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Cameroon vs. Libya
vs. 
Two teams still in contention…you know who I’m rooting for.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Togo vs. Congo DR
vs. 
Wish both of these squads were coming along…I’ll miss Adebayor, Gakpe, Amewou, Marnah, Mputu, Mbokani, Mulumbu, Bolasie, Issama, and Mongugo. Fare thee well.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Tuesday
Egypt vs. Guinea
vs. 
Former U.S. Coach Bob Bradley has done a most amazing job with the Egyptians, even in these turbulent times. Before the revolutions that ousted Morsi and Mubarak, he had riots and a FIFA Suspension to deal with. Read up on his journey if you can find the time:
HE was always better than Jürgen.
THE
LINE: Egypt +2 Goals
Algeria vs. Mali
vs. 
FUCK ANSAR DINE!
It’s important that we got that in there. Adressing Keita’s
election….well…it sucks. Nothing much more I can say about that. A member of
the “Francophone Privilege Class” has been put in charge. Okay. It might help
restore stability. Nevertheless, FUCK FRANCOPHONE AFRICANS!
It was important that we got that in there too. ; )
THE LINE: Mali +2 Goals
FOURTH
QUALIFYING ROUND—CONCACAF
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with Avengence”
“Oh wow! Things are really exciting in the Confederation of
North-Central American and Caribbean Association Football…or let’s just say
NAMBLA. J Hopefully the shameless Stewart reference enlightens you to the fact
that I’m being sarcastic. Yawn. Things are as boring as ever in the most
thoroughly threadbare FIFA division.”
Yes, it’s your turn, Yanks. Everyone can relax. Jürgen and
Jozy have you off the hot seat. Things looked a little grim there for awhile,
but was there ever seriously any doubt that the U.S. would qualify out of the
world’s weakest region? Chill. You’ll be in Brazil next summer, just in time to
lose to Ghana again ; )
CONCACAF Qualification mirrors that of Asia almost
precisely. Higher ranked teams bypass two knockout rounds for lower placed
teams. Two Group Stages follow. The latter “Group Stage”, in which we presently
find ourselves, consists of only one group of six nations. The top three
qualify while the fourth will go on to contest New Zealand in an
inter-continental playoff. At the present the table looks……well…just like it
always fucking looks! The U.S., Mexico, and Costa Rica will almost certainly
qualify, while either Panama or Honduras grabs the playoff spot. The Mexicans
have been struggling mightily, but still have enough time to get it together.
No major upsets on the road to the Final Group Stage, but
it’s worth noting that Cuba, Canada, and Trinidad & Tobago botched decent
chances of a qualification run.
Friday
Mexico vs. Honduras
vs. 
Do you wish to mow the lawn or manicure the lawn? Dare to dream. One almost wishes that both of these countries could win.
THE
LINE: Mexico +2 Goals
Costa Rica vs. USA
vs. 
Okay, Yanks. Tough match ahead of you. If only you had
someone more qualified than Jürgen Klinsmann at the helm.
To be fair, Jürgen has the boys riding high on TWELVE straight
victories. Assuming he starts Jozey, Landon, and Clint up front he’ll make it
Thirteen. It’s all finally coming together for Uncle Sam.
They’ll definitely be competitive in Brazil. Rejoice.
THE
LINE: USA +1 Goal
Panama vs. Jamaica
vs. 
Quite a bit at stake here for Valdes and the “Red Tide”. All signs point to delivery.
THE
LINE: Panama +1 Goal
Tuesday
Jamaica vs. Costa Rica
vs.
Jamaica made it to the group stages! They also managed to
shed Christopher Coke. Well done, Lymans.
THE
LINE: Costa Rica +2 Goals
USA vs. Mexico
vs.
Easy win. You might even boot the Mexicans straight out of
the tournament. Matters will get a bit on the antagonistic side, but it’s still
yours to lose.
THE
LINE: USA +1 Goal
Honduras vs. Panama
vs.
And the two sides trade victories. It will go down as such.
THE
LINE: Honduras +1 Goal
GROUP
QUALIFYING ROUND—COMNEBOL
Not too many countries down under on the “comma continent”. Hence, the Latin Americans do it all with one group. Nine teams contest (ordinarily ten, but Brazil qualifies as host). The top four clinch a World Cup Berth while the fifth place finisher squares off against the winner of the Uzbekistan vs. Jordan aggregate playoff in an intercontinental playoff.
Though the qualifying rounds last for two years, there are only
18 Matchdays and 72 matches. Each team plays each other only twice in a double
Round Robin. Are we beginning to understand why scoring an own goal can get you
killed?
This is definitely the most fucked up COMNEBOL Round I’ve
ever seen. World Cup mainstays Paraguay have effectively been eliminated. 2010
World Cup semifinalists and traditional global football powerhouse Uruguay have
had a disastrous campaign and may very well not make the cut. Ecuador, Chile,
and Columbia are punching far above their weight. Even the Argentines aren’t
exhibiting their usual sluggish underachieving. I suppose that’s what happens
when one takes Brazil out of the mix.
One can speculate that Messi and the boys are almost
certainly through. Ditto Columbia. No such certainly with respect to the
remaining 2.5 spots. Ecuador, Chile, Uruguay, Venezuela, and even Peru are very
much alive.
Friday
Columbia vs. Ecuador
vs. 
What the FARC? Who are these “Coffee Growers”? No seriously that’s their team’s nickname: “The Coffee Growers”. What the rail-snorting fuck sort of name is that for a football team? Couldn’t they at least have gone with “The Coffee Drinkers”?
Alright. We get it Columbia. You grow coffee too. Sometimes
one can defeat the purpose, i.e. piss on one’s own feet. Are we supposed to
forget about that other plant you grow simply because you titled your team “The
Coffee Growers”? In point of fact, it only serves to remind us.
This team is yet to qualify under my watch, though I did
write extensively on the women’s eleven back in 2011. They typically finish in
sixth place, but everything’s upside down this time. With peaking strikers like
Jackson Martinez of FC Porto and Radamel Falco of Monaco, they’ve won
practically every match they were supposed to….save for one against Ecuador.
That’s why we have a pick.
Er…Antonio Mockus 2015!!!
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with Avengence”
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Uribe actually ended up standing down in favor of his defense
minister Juan Manuel dos Santos. Dos Santos easily demolished the very
entertaining Green Party candidate Antonius Mockus in the June 2010 runoff. I
personally found the result devastating, as Mockus was an accomplished
Mathematician who relinquished his academic career in order to become a
professional political satirist. After his eccentric musings caught the
attention of the national media, he successfully waged a campaign to obtain the
office of mayor of Bogotá.
The bearded chain-smoking city chief would report to work in
sandals and shorts. He hired the San Francisco Mime Troop to make fun of
traffic violators. He sponsored mandatory open-air festival holidays, shutting
down the entire city and giving attendees free vouchers. He brought the concept
of “Ladies Night” to the city, offering bars tax credits for in proportion to
their drink specials. Of course he also extended potable drinking water,
sewage, and electricity to the entire city. He drove down the homicide and
traffic fatality rates by over half, but that’s not so amusing. In short, love
him or hate him, you’d enjoy having a beer with a character like him. Sure,
like any dirty hippie, he doesn’t truly understand Economics. Still, show me a
politician from either the right or the left who actually does and I’ll buy you
a beer.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Paraguay vs. Bolivia
vs. 
I can’t even make a Fernando Lugo joke here. Those have long since been retired….for good reason. I received no fewer than five complaints from Syndicate Members who had no idea who Fernando Lugo was….and that I was a pompous esoteric priest.
Let’s settle this once and for all: Fernando Lugo was
President of Paraguay from 2008 to 2012. Prior to pursuing a career he was a
Roman Catholic Priest…who allegedly fathered some illegitimate children whilst
doing God’s work. A humble leftist, he had many admirers (including me). I just
simply couldn’t resist typing in “Fernando Lugo’s Lust for Life” back in one of
the 2009 Syndicates. It snowballed from there and everyone thought I was
attempting to cordon off the Syndicate with a secret handshake. Okay. Everyone
satisfied?
I was never some haughty asshole hoping to brandish my
knowledge in your face to make you feel stupid. There were simply times in my
life (okay, unemployed times) during which all I did was read…all day…every
day. Man do I ever miss those days ; ) If you still think me a pretentious and
smug “know-it-all”, take comfort in the fact that I have a full time job
now….and I might as well be dead ; ( ; ( ; ( ; (
Moving right along, What the hell happened to La Albiroja?
They’ve dropped five matches. Roque Santa Cruz just isn’t producing on the
international level. He’s at that age. Young guns Antonio Sanabria, Brian
Montenegro, and Angel Romero aren’t ready yet. Nee head coach Victor Genes is
pulsing out all the stops, including calling up those three untested players
for this crucial match.
Mercifully, they now face a soft opponent. The Road back
begins here and this bookie is prepared to invest some faith.
It faint quite an “UPSET ALERT”, but it’s certainly an
unconventional line.
THE
LINE: Paraguay +2 Goals
Chile vs. Venezuela
vs. 
I don’t want to read about Nicolas Maduro anymore. I’ve got the general gist. He’s a wannabe autocrat with a moustache. Plenty of those out there. Until I see convincing evidence to the contrary, he won the election legitimately. Let the man rant in peace.
Likewise, I’m not interested in Pinera’s minor infractions.
The guy is practically “Blomberg-esque” for renouncing his party. Both of these
cats are at least moderately sincere public servants. That’s more than one can
say for most of our jokers. I don’t believe the concept “service” ever crossed
their mind.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Peru vs. Uruguay
vs. 
It’s not looking like I’ll be able to write this section without mentioning Jose Mujica’s controversial experiment of Full Marijuana legalization. Look, people. I don’t have a dog in this fight. I haven’t toked up in years. The prospect of doing so again doesn’t even remotely interest me.
What I do know is that Mujica is an impressive public
servant. Yes, we’re going there. Above you’ll find measured admiration for
Pinera and Maduro. Admiration for Mujica isn’t anywhere close to measured. It’s
unabashed. The man lives in a fucking shack! He sits in his shack all day,
thinking about ways to improve the lives of his citizens.
Latin Americans have a great deal to teach us…at this
particular moment in history. After the yoke of colonialism was discarded, faux
constitutions, corruption and ruthless dictators dominated for hundreds of
years. It happens. They sheltered Nazi War Criminals. That too happens.
Following that, American interference precluded the rise of a socially aware
political class (Allende and Guevara). Even after that, the initial
uninterrupted rise of Socialist leaders was fairly disappointing. (Chavez, Evo,
Lula, Kirchners, etc) Now they’re working overtime to catch up. Someone like
Mujica inspires a great deal of hope.
We’ll never see such a thoughtful leader in the American
media landscape. Even if their intentions are as pure as a teetotalling Virgin
Princess, constant scrutiny won’t allow them to implement any of it. A good
leader flowers as rarely as good grapes. The best wine comes from obscure
forgotten corners of the world. Why not the best leaders?
Latin America’s rises with a message of humility and hard
work. Even “Pope Frank” continues to impress. Watch out world.
La Celeste will win this one….but that doesn’t rescue their
qualifying hopes.
THE
LINE: Uruguay +2 Goals
Tuesday
Bolivia vs. Ecuador
vs. La Tri are coming back to join us for the first time since 2006! Looking forward to it already.
THE
LINE: Ecuador +2 Goals
Uruguay vs. Columbia
vs.
Tough match for Tabarez & Co. Still appears probable
that they’ll make it happen. Either Forlan (the good one) or Suarez (Satan incarnate)
should be able to manage a winning goal.
THE
LINE: Uruguay +1 Goal
Venezuela vs. Peru
vs.
Don’t bet against God. Arango will make Francis proud.
THE
LINE: Venezuela +1 Goal
FOURTH
QUALIFYING ROUND—OFC
No matches scheduled. New Zealand awaits the fourth place
finisher from CONCACAF
And on that happy note…
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
