“Mwisho” in sight Syndicate
Family,
Spare a thought for the
Burkinabés, brothers. They ran their hearts out, producing some of the most
sensationally gorgeous football I’ve ever seen. It remains difficult to fathom
how a team so slick, smooth, and technical in possession couldn’t avoid the
“Penalty Crapshoot”. There are many moments I could highlight from the constant onslaught that the Stallions unleashed from the moment they fell behind until the final whistle.
They were unrelenting and absolutely deserved the win. The most awe-inspiring run of play culminated in Bancé’s equalizer 73rd minute. Your friendly bookie took the liberty of analyzing that spellbinding two-minute-interval as if it were the Zapruder Film. Eight of the ten outfield players were involved in the build-up. I counted THIRTY-EIGHT consecutive team touches among the eight players before Yago’s breathtaking back heel to Kabore set up the wonderful cross for Bancé. The finish itself was a work of absolute beauty, Bance ever so cooly chesting it down for the first-touch tracer bullet. Wow. One of the best “team goals” you’ll ever see.
With the second goal not
forthcoming, one still felt that the West Africans had to advance based on
their superior play. This feeling persisted deep into the penalty shootout.
Burkinabé Keeper Herve Koffi—a seriously imposing physical presence even more
intimidating than Neuer in Net—got a touch on the initial three efforts,
looking like an unstoppable giant in between the pipes. The Stallions led until
the Fourth Round. Football can nevertheless erase 120+ minutes of sure feelings in less 30 seconds. Koffi was well on the way to looking like the African Neuer until he missed his own penalty attempt in the penultimate round. That gave myself and all the other Burkinabé enthusiasts approximately half a minute to begin contemplating a loss we hadn’t dare speculate upon all afternoon. In the blink of an eye it was all over, with old man El-Haddary the hero. Ouch. Crushing heartbreak. The dreams of a football nation dashed once again in the “Penalty Lottery”. Fuck.
Solid performance from the
“Indomitables” in the other Semi. The Centerback Pairing of Teiku and
Ngadeu-Ngadjui stepped it up with a championship-caliber performance. The two
men stood tall at the back, regulated most of the outgoing traffic out of the
defensive third, and supplied us with some offensive fireworks of their own.
Once again the Lions controlled the flow of most of the match without
Aboubakar, Mandjeck, and N’Jie in the starting lineup. They have a much deeper
team than any of us could have envisioned. It’s now off to face the Egyptians
in a re-match of the 2008 Final. Feeling optimistic about their chances ; )
But first, gentlemen, we’ll have our Mailbag. It’s always a pleasure and a privilege to showcase the acerbic talent my old friends have for a quality “verbal punch”. My only desire as a humble and grateful bookie is to find time to craft a thoughtful “counter riff” of deserving quality. We duel together. We joust together. We watch together…
You guys have gotten quite
good. I’ve delayed this segment three times already because it needed more
work. For ELEVEN long days I’ve used what spare time I could find to re-work
this section to give it the right “feel”.
True, your friendly bookie
has lost some of that voracious appetite for controversy from his youth. Many
of us have. It’s an inevitable consequence of getting older and suddenly
finding ourselves in in positions of adult role-modeling and stewardship. Many
of those with whom I started this journey with fifteen years ago are now
responsible for raising rambunctious pre-teens! Christ! Help! Guess could all
stand to tone it down a bit ; )
Consider yourselves warned,
however. It’s still “real” and “raw”
Friends, football, and irreverent
fun. Here we go:
Updated Stats:
Spread: 14-16
Straight Up: 14-9-7
Reader (159-M): What gave you the idea to
soothsay African Football?
Vicey: Did you just use “soothsay” as a verb? I
don’t believe I’ve encountered such an occurrence in all my years as a writer. I
prefer to use words like “augur”, “prognosticate”, or “adumbrate”. How in the
hell did a Nigerian come up with the word “Soothsay”?
Nevermind. I know full well how you came up with that word. ; )
“Soothsayers” are nothing more than
bullshit-spouting charlatans. We don’t put up with that sort of thing in the
United States of Ameri….nevermind.
We have our charlatans too ; (Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to read the entrails of a dead rabbit fetus in order to predict the future. Tally ho!
Reader (56-M): I’ve almost completed work on
the time machine. Need to take you back to 2013 when you last showed some
talent as a writer.
Vicey: (laughing uncontrollably…for the fourth
consecutive year)
Reader (33-M): Herve Renard has been staring
into my soul again.
Vicey: I know. He’s even creepier than
Pierluigi Collina and that “Baron von Trump” kid. Tell him to knock it off!
Reader (135-M): What exactly have you done for
Africa lately?
Vicey: Er…..if by “lately” you mean “ever”,
I’ll give you a brutally honest bi-furcated answer:
“Jack” and “Shit”.
There you are. I’ll admit it readily.
Some worked for safer drinking water, better roads,
and preventative health-care choices. Others built schools and orphanages. One
even worked as an AU Lobbyist for Continental Corruption Reform!
A few had difficulty dealing with the “culture
shock” or the lack of Western Amenities. Though they may not have made it long
in Africa, they too put in their work as tutors, mentors, and micro-lenders. They
are not to be disparaged.
At the end of the day, all Syndicate Members who made some sort of concerted effort to improve life for their fellow human beings are to be lauded. It matters not who made a greater impact than whom. To recognize specific members would be unfair to those who still might fear that they have little to contribute and find themselves on the verge of giving up. Don’t give up! You’ve your part to play as well! For the record, your friendly bookie did the bare minimum: Some esoteric research, a few English Classes, and a modest amount of financial remittances. In other words:
NOTHING. I SUCK!
Had the privilege of once living in Africa and I took as many valuable lessons with me as I could. Sadly, all this bookie was really ever capable of was cannibalizing news-related texts. This lead to an unnatural obsession with writing which he mostly had to conduct in the “Shadows”. End Result = Little to Nothing. Words are but graffiti in our current Online Universe. Some graffiti are more elegant than others.
Before I proceed to flagellate myself like some
sort of eccentric contemporary celibate monk, I’ll at least give myself credit
for posting something positive on the “Online Ether”. Hopeful words matter in a
landscape dominated by vitriolic “Spite Swipes”.
Heartfelt words for the struggling Syndicate
Members who still haven’t found their place: There’s a place for ALL deep and
gentle-hearted human beings.
Er…has anyone seen my whip?
Reader (101-M): How’s the “corporate ladder”
treating you?
Vicey: “Corporate Ladder?”
Ah right. 101-M last reached out five years
ago. He isn’t up-to-date.
FUCK the “Corporate Ladder!” Build my own goddamned ladder….
Reader (22-M): Terri Leigh returns. Welcome
Goddess!
Vicey: Someone is salivating. Salivate away! Attaboy. I’ll accept a Halftime Show. Just don’t dump any Sideline Reporters on us. Please…for the love of God…I beseech you! Spare us the humiliation of Sideline Reporters!
From CAN 2013—Semi-Finals:
--Well done, New Orleans! The Crescent City
delivered everything an amateurish cocktail party patron could want in a Super
Bowl. Nothing like a power outage to get the conversation started. Professional
Sports needs more live commentators with nothing to commentate on.
“Let’s check in with the sidelines reporters.
Fred, how’s it going?”
“Well Jim, the players didn’t expect this to
happen. They’re wondering why this happened and wondering when play will
resume.”
“Thanks, Fred. Truly valuable insight from our
man on the field.”
It was priceless. It wasn’t quite “Kahn’s
eating Pasta”, but it came close.
Reader (5-F): The Stallions play much too
beautiful to lose.
Vicey: I know. Rip my heart out of my chest
while you’re at it. Wait a sec…you already did that ; )
Reader (12-M): Since everyone else is doing it,
I’ve decided to be an asshole!
Vicey: Nooooo!! Don’t do it, brother! It’s all
too tempting in these times. Whoever’s is loudest and more obnoxious is
right…but only in their own mind.
DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE!!
Reader (88-M): How can you focus on soccer when
Trump is President?
Vicey: Well that’s….wait a minute. You say
Donald Trump has been elected President? That’s news to me! When did this
happen? I must have been too busy projecting lineups for MK Dons and Brighton
Hove Albion to notice! Americans elected a bully to the “Bully Pulpit”? How
madly interesting. Oh well. No comment on that. I need to get back to preparing
for Preston North End vs. Ipswich Town. Ciao!
….
….
….
Picking up the sarcasm? I should certainly hope
so. 88-M doesn’t deserve sole credit for this e-mail. It’s more of an amalgam
of e-mails I received from many disaffected liberals concerned about the state
of their country.
Sigh. I suppose there’s no real hope of
avoiding this topic. ; ( Some Syndicate Brothers, doubtless completely
exasperated from the pointless conversations with idiots online, crave a
statement of some sort. If I were to develop a thesis of sorts to serve as an
analytical buttress for this response, my statement would read as follows:
Focus on what you can control. Live your lives.
Love your friends and family. Work hard. Find time for charity. Do your thing
and move on.
Yes…I am aware that the American Political
Pendulum swung the other way…HARD. It’s indeed depressing to ponder the raging
narcissistic megalomania of this self-professed “killer”. Here’s your novel
solution: Stop pondering it! Move on! Engaging in protracted debates with
online zealots, ruining your half-crazy sister’s Bourgeois Dinner Party, or
getting into a shouting match with that cousin of yours who lives on a
fortified compound in Idaho isn’t going to solve anything.
Conservative Talk Radio got their man after
eight long years of shouting and whining. Right-leaning citizens of this
country have their media, however childish and primitive it may be.
Left-leaners, sadly enough, spend too much time trolling Social Media for
Politically Incorrect Statements in a horridly pathetic attempt to make
themselves feel superior to others. Most of it constitutes some really
disingenuous moralistic voyeurism.
Moreover, it doesn’t work. The vain attempts to
catch Trump crossing “The Social Acceptability Line” blew up in everyone’s
faces. One needn’t look further than the failed “October Surprise”. Practically
everyone thought that Billy Bush tape would bury him. Nope. We as a population
learned next to nothing from that tape. Celebrities possessing fame, money, and
power consider it their right to make bold sexual advances toward women. A
percentage of these advances are consensually accepted, based on the fact that the
celebrities are rich and famous after all. Didn’t learn anything there. It wasn’t
even news.
Don’t mean to digress. So Trump is President.
That’s the reality. Not too terribly much you can do about it at this juncture.
For better or worse, he’ll have an opportunity to implement policy. That’s the
system. Forming a left-wing equivalent of the “Tea Party” is an option sadder
than the prospect of dating one of the Trump Children. I’ve no desire to shriek
ignorantly about the Fall of Civilization on the rare occasions that I get a
day off. I’ve no time to paint signs and
placards to voice my dissent. There’s work to be done!
Sorry, but your friendly bookie simply cannot bring himself to act that way. I’m not built that way. Those Syndicate Members who tend left, should they choose to honestly examine themselves, will likely find out that they’re not built that way either.
Now we arrive at the point in the debate where
leftists will argue that those of their political ilk lack backbone. They’ll
incessantly insist that we should adopt the more ruthless obstructionist
tactics of the opposition in order to play the game properly. This bookie knows
a little something about mathematical research into so-called “Game Theory” and
I can assure you that no equation is balanced in such a fashion.
Once again there is a fundamental misunderstanding of the “Zero-Sum Game” and the Utility Functions associated therewith. If anything, treating the current political struggle as a “Zero Sum” will only lead to mutually destructive outcomes, just as most theorists have predicted for over a century.
Once again there is a fundamental misunderstanding of the “Zero-Sum Game” and the Utility Functions associated therewith. If anything, treating the current political struggle as a “Zero Sum” will only lead to mutually destructive outcomes, just as most theorists have predicted for over a century.
The more sensible and sensitive people of this
country need not be obstructionists. Be studiously vigilant instead. Keep
yourselves current on all the Executive Orders, Policy Directives, and NOT the
goddamned Tweets. That’s the best you can do. Most of it is pageantry and
nonsense. At some point Trump will gift
you a disastrous policy issue truly worth fighting for….and it WON’T be a
politically incorrect statement.
Want to “focus” on something? Focus on policy. Meanwhile,
you CANNOT root for him to fail. That’s not what America or Western Civil
Society stands for. Scientists always seek to prove themselves wrong. So should
leftists.
Focus on what you can control. Live your lives.
Love your friends and family. Work hard. Find time for charity. Do your thing
and move on.
I sincerely hope this “mini-essay” compels at
least a handful of Syndicate Members to return to their lives. Keep striving! The
pendulum will eventually swing the other way. Time’s posterity will eventually
afford you the opportunity to repudiate and dislodge.
Naturally, I know for a fact that there’s no
convincing Syndicate Member 2-F. I had her review an early draft of this
response. Looks like I was too conciliatory. She’s a stubborn one. ; )
The closing post of this mailbag belongs to
her. ; )
Reader (2-F): How dare you hide behind the “Western
Civil Society” Card? Trump threatens women more than anyone else!
Vicey: No, darling ; ) Trump may be a
despicable fucktard, but I’m fairly certain that ISIS threatens women more than
he does. I’m glad that you’re not in a Niqab. That would be a waste of beauty. ;)
Enjoy driving your car and going out in public without your husband! Kisses ; )
Thank goodness it’s time to talk football
again!
Third Place Match
Burkina Faso vs. Ghana
vs. 
A free-flowing and fun game
awaits us in Port Gentil tomorrow. Both teams have plenty of explosive players,
all of whom will be calmer and more relaxed. They’ll give us a good show. As
always with Third Place Matches, it should prove interesting to see what
experiments the two coaches plan on understaking. Duarte will likely give Zango
and Diawara the start. Grant might opt for Tetteh, Ofori, Assifuah, or maybe
even Schalke’s young phenom Tekpetey.
In an interesting sidenote,
these two teams actually met in a very entertaining Semi-Final Match back in
2013.
Ah…back when your friendly
bookie had more energy/time on his hands ; )
From CAN 2013—Semifinals
Burkina Faso vs. Ghana
vs. 
A few lines removed from our previous plunk,
it’s time to smack that button again….
UPSET ALERT!!
Yes indeed. The overrated Black Stars left this
bookie with nothing left to rely upon. A controversial penalty and a
last-minute empty net goal DO NOT constitute signs of encouragement. Something
very important fails this version of Jerry Rawling’s snipers. Namely, they
still haven’t found a way to distribute. Moving Kwadwo up front to share duties
with Asamoah Gyan. The pair might be better suited on their respective wings.
As ridiculous as discounting this über-talented squad sounds, they cannot be
expected to function without a “Flight Director”.
A “Flight Director” may be defined as a
midfield man in the mold of Schweinsteiger. The Black Stars come agonizingly
close with Agyemang-Badu. The Udinese standout produces his moments. At this
point in his career, he might even outplay Schweinsteiger up and down the
pitch. Nevertheless, the Burkinabés possess a secret weapon with the whole
goddamn Great Chicago Fire burning in his belly. His name is Jonathan Pitroipa
and the two occasions he happened to appear on the score-sheet explain less
about his current form than a single volcanic plume explains continental drift.
Pitroipa drives the pick. Deal with it
gentlemen. Put your money where your mouth is.
UPSET ALERT!!
Projected Lineups:
“The Stallions” 4-2-3-1
Moumani Dagano
|
Jonathan Pitroipa A.R. Traore Willy Sanou
|
Charles Kabore D. Kone
|
Saidou Panandetiguri P. Koulibaly B. Kone Mohammed Koffi
|
Daouda
Diakite
|
“The Black Stars” 4-1-3-2
Asamoah
Gyan Kwadwo Asamoah
|
Mubarak Wakaso
Emmanuel Agyemang-Badu
Albert Adomah
|
Christian
Atsu
|
Harrison Afful Isaac Vorsah John Boye Richard Boateng
|
Abdul Fatau Dauda
|
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your
own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes—straight up
Penalty Shootout—straight up
Asamoah Gyan brace—3 to 1
Kwadwo Asamoah brace—2 to 1
Mubarak Wakaso brace—2 to 1
John Paintsil start—2 to 1
Mohammed Raibu start—3 to 1
John Boye booking—straight up
John Boye booking—straight up
Dauda howler—straight up
Agyemang-Badu substitution (80+)—2 to 1
A. Traore start—3 to 1
Outtarra start—2 to 1
Pitroipa brace—straight up
Pitroipa hat trick—2 to 1
Willy Sanou brace—2 to 1
Kabore set piece goal—straight up
Dagano goal—straight up
B. Kone penalty—straight up
Balima substitution (65+)—2 to 1
Koulibaly substitution (55+)—2 to 1
A.R. Traore substitution (80+)—2 to 1
THE LINE: Burkina Faso + 1 Goal
GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS
Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Burkina Faso 2, Ghana 1. (4:2 PSO) Agyemang-Badu
lived up to his billing as a “Flight Director”, but ended up the goat anyway
with the penalty miss that sent the Stallions into the finals. It was a
pulsating encounter from start to finish, replete with gorgeous efforts,
fascinating tactics, and no shortage of officiating controversies.
Right Back John Paintsil got rolled up in the 8th
and could not continue on a badly twisted ankle. This forced Kwesi Appiah to
sub in natural midfielder Soloman Asante, who by all accounts had a lousy
evening. It appeared as if the injury wouldn’t affect the outcome when the
Black Stars were awarded a penalty in the 13th. Panatetiguiri
contested aerially against Christian Atsu. Atsu didn’t land on his feet, but
replays showed no evidence that Panatetiguiri had anything to do with it. The
Antwerp center back only appeared to give Atsu a slight pat on the chest, and
this some time after neither had won the ball. Mubarak Wakaso stepped forward
to take the spot kick. Diakite guessed right but was too late off his line.
A period of cautious play ensued, lasting approximately 15 minutes. Bance and Pitroipa began cycling around the half hour mark and the later sent one wide. At the other end Agyemang Badu set up Gyan to fire with the wrong side of his foot. Kwadwo Asamoah dangerously lurked in the central slot and came within centimeters of connecting on a cross.
Charles Kabore served up an excellent corner shortly after the restart that Bance met with an equally impressive header. The shot rattled the crossbar so hard that the entire frame dipped. Asamoah Gyan himself hit the woodwork some six minutes later, leaving one with the impression that a goal simply had to be forthcoming. Two minutes after that, Paul Koulibaly picked Agyemang-Badu’s pocket ten yards shy of midfield. Kabore then first timed to Bance, who had already split the defense. With all the time and space in the world, the former FSV Mainz 05 rother coolly stroked home the equalizer almost precisely at the hour mark.
When officiating goes south, it truly goes
south. Koulibaly delivered a vicious kick to Asamoah Gyan’s unmentionables in
the 77th. The controversies continued into extra time. Prejuce
Nakoulma appeared to have given the Stallions the lead in the 99th
with an unreal leaping toe-poke finish, but was harshly ajudged to have climbed
up Kwadwo Asamoah’s back illegally. Eighteen minutes after that, John Boye gave
Jonathan Pitroipa a diabolical chop to the shins just inside the 18. Tunisian
ref Slim Jedidi ignored the evidence before his eyes and shockingly sent
Pitroipa off for diving. It was a disgustingly bad call.
The thirty minutes of added extra time belonged
solely to the Stallions. Bance fired an expert tricycle in the 112th
that Harrison Afful had to give up the body to clear off the line. Koulibaly
then throttled a 113th minute rocket that Dauda did just well enough
to tip over. One felt the Stallions absolutely deserved to book their ticket to
the final match, particularly after the scandalous decision-making that led to
Pitroipa’s dismissal (and suspension) in the 117th.
Justice was serve when Isaac Vorsah and Emmanuel Clottey sent their respective shootout chances wide. Paul Koulibaly also supplied a miss to keep matters interesting. After Atsu and Afful converted, however, Diakite hopped of his line early to parry away Agyemang Badu’s stellar effort. The Burkinabes gave us a celebration worth remembering. The dramatic upset will surely go down in the annals
Justice was serve when Isaac Vorsah and Emmanuel Clottey sent their respective shootout chances wide. Paul Koulibaly also supplied a miss to keep matters interesting. After Atsu and Afful converted, however, Diakite hopped of his line early to parry away Agyemang Badu’s stellar effort. The Burkinabes gave us a celebration worth remembering. The dramatic upset will surely go down in the annals
THE
LINE: Ghana +1 Goal
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
