Habemus Papum Syndicate Members!
It’s been a glorious day for all those faithful in the “Pope and Change” Camp. Infinitely more important, it’s been a divine day for the Syndicate. So many Firsts on this day. The cardinals elevated first non-European Pontiff to the papacy. We witnessed the birth of a birth of a brand new order: The First Pope to choose the name “Francesco”. And of course….I must concede in with full Catholic humility…your bookie has for the first time lost money on a Book.
No need to worry about me, however. Your friendly bookie
blesses you. In Nominee Parti et Filii et Spiritus Sancti… Until the newly elected Papa, he
doesn’t even ask of you to bless him. I’ll be fine. My losses were by no means
deep, and they are a small price to pay for the privilege of beholding a day
like today. Today we recaptured the “Spirit of the Syndicate”. This
difficult-to-define essence easily beats the shit out of the “Holy Ghost”.
Today we resurrected the foundational principles, the governing dynamics, the
Passion of the Bookie, the roots of this entire endeavor, the whole reason I
devote the Lion’s Share of what little private time I get to compose these
lines.
Why does the Syndicate exist at all? So sharp wits can exchange biting riffs. Days like these justify it all. We all got together again. We all got together and “felt alright”. 1.2 Billion Catholics may have seen their faith reaffirmed, but a hundred or so oddballs re-affirmed something much more significant. Your friendly bookie blesses you. In Nominee Parti et Filii et Spiritus Sancti…
Time to share some of today’s exchanges. It’s been far too
long since we’ve featured a Simmons-style “Mailbag Section”. I’ve a few
unfinished ones from the Election, CAN, and the WBC on my desktop….along with
probably at least 42 other unfinished projects that keep getting pushed to the
backburner. Approaching Downtime should enable me to complete…hell….maybe one.
For now, we owe it to the “Spirit of the Syndicate” to share the day’s
highlights.
Enjoy. Your friendly bookie blesses you. In Nominee Parti et
Filii et Spiritus Sancti…
Mailbag
Syndicate
Member: When is this fucking pope going to show up? I’ve been sitting here
watching Anderson Cooper interview ditzy American Exchange students for almost
an hour. I can’t take listening to another one of these girls telling me,
“Like, we’re like studying abroad and this is, like, historic.”
Vicey:
Patience, my son. First the new Pope must have his balls fondled. Seriously.
Tradition dictates that the Cardinals inspect his testicles to ensure that a
woman didn’t somehow fool everyone in the Basilica. The tradition was retained
to preserve the humility of the office. They say whoever ascends to St. Peter’s
chair must eschew hubris first and foremost. I can imagine nothing more
humbling than having my sac cupped.
Following
this, the new pope heads to the “Room of Tears” to get fitted for his prom
dress. After every last cardinal has pledged fealty, he retreats to the Pauline
Chapel for private prayer. It may take a while to get Jesus on the Mainline.
The Pauline Chapel isn’t like the War Room in “Dr. Strangelove”. There isn’t a
God-to-Pontiff Red Hotline Phone. Jesus may have stepped out. Give the Son of
Man some time to check his voicemail messages.
Syndicate
Member: To hell with this pudgy egghead. When is Pontiff “Viceus the Unready”
going to appear on the balcony and bless us with some original comedy?
Vicey:
Patience, my son. First I have to fondle my balls. I’ve been sitting on them
for over an hour. Then, I must head to the “Room of Tears” to cry about all of
the money that I lost. After receiving pledges of fealty from all Syndicate
Members, I have to try and raise Jesus on the Mainline. The Pope typically
appears 45 minutes after the White Smoke. I’ve some White Smoke of my own to
make before I’m prepared to address the masses.
Syndicate
Member: No fair! I cry foul! This Pope can’t ask me for a favor two minutes
into the job! Why should I bless him?
Vicey:
(giggling uncontrollably) Yeah! Who does this guy think he is? Kennedy! “Ask
not what your Papa can do for you, ask what you can do for your Papa”.
Syndicate
Member: Will you ever get back to talking Baseball?
Vicey:
Let the record show that you remain the ONLY one to even come close to
suggesting that. It’s a unique distinction. I love you for it….just know that
you’re special.
Syndicate
Member: My Faith in God has cost you a lot of money.
Vicey:
Your Faith in God has also cost you a few brain cells. Er….the check is in the
mail, ye of enviable faith.
Syndicate
Member: Are you, in fact, an observant Catholic? It almost seems so.
Vicey:
Your friendly bookie isn’t truly observant of much beyond Internet Porn.
Nevertheless I’d likely still find sitting in a Catholic Mass eminently
relaxing. It sure beats watching a bunch of stark-raving mad apostolic assholes
running around the aisles screaming about their “Holy Ghost Power”. Forced to
sit in on one of those services, I very nearly punched a wild-eyed guy who was
barreling towards me shrieking “JESUS! Mashalabas fu este mans shublle na tune
tuope falalalalala!”. Ugh. Something tells me that recurring nightmare will
return this evening.
Syndicate
Member: Somewhere in a magnificently manicured Garden, Ratzinger is mumbling to
himself “Good luck, schmuck”.
Vicey:
(at a loss for words). Your friendly bookie blesses you. In Nominee Parti et
Filii et Spiritus Sancti…
Syndicate
Member: Is this really a new beginning? Can I masturbate freely now?
Vicey:
Dorothy, Dorothy, Dorothy. You’ve always had the power to masturbate freely.
Simply bite your lip, close your eyes, and keep repeating the mantra “There’s
no place like my imagination”.
Syndicate
Member: I thought we were done with the Nazi Popes. Considering that this guy’s
from Argentina….I’m not convinced.
Vicey:
(smacking the table to keep himself from laughing too hard.)
Syndicate
Member: Vicey’s Papal Lines are brought to you by “I can’t believe it’s not
Jesus!” Low-Fat communion wafers!
Vicey:
Bah-ha. This one had me reeling. Inspired by his ingenious reference, he then
opted to really push the limits:
Syndicate
Member: Vicey’s Papal Lines are also brought to you by “Dr. Happy’s Third
Trimester Abortion Funhouse.” Dr. Happy’s: We’ll bring out the kid in you!
Vicey:
Christ almighty. I actually laughed at this, then flagellated myself for at
least a half hour. You’re going to hell, syndicate member. I’ll see you there.
Thank God there aren’t any women reading this!
Syndicate
Member: Sic Transit Goldie Hawn.
Vicey:
No clue what that’s supposed to mean. I wish my Latin knowledge didn’t come
exclusively from the Asterix Comic Book Series. I also wish I had been paying
attention when watching “Housesitter” starring Steve Martin.
Syndicate
Member: Man, oh man. I wish I were in that Vatican crowd with all the horny
college girls.
Vicey:
Amen to that. Your friendly bookie blesses you. In Nominee Parti et Filii et
Spiritus Sancti…
Syndicate
Member: Love the look in this pope’s eyes. It almost seems like he’s come to
terms with his own sexuality…or asexuality as the case may be.
Vicey:
Interesting point. Based on his distended stomach, I read the look in his eyes
to read “It’s been almost three hours since my last meal. Il Papa is hungry. Do
we have anymore of those Sea Salt Communion Wafers?”
Random
Mailer: Why make a joke out of religion?
Vicey:
You took time to write me and I appreciate that. My counter-question is, since
you did indeed take time to write me, “Why make a joke out of yourself?”
Syndicate
Member: Pop Quiz, Hot Shot. Say you’ve just donned the Papal Vestment and are
preparing to tread out on the balcony to address some 200,000 individuals in
St. Peter’s Piazza. What do you do? What do you say?
Vicey:
Now that’s a tough question, Keanu. Pope Peter II has just been anointed. He’s
got his best dress on. He’s had his balls fondled, he’s prayed for the strength
to make it through this moment. He feels himself ready. Yet, after the curtains
are drawn and he beholds the marvelous spectacle of over 200,000 pilgrims, he
suddenly comprehends the enormous burden of his charge. What does he do? What
does he say?
After
probing the inner depths of my soul, I’ve little choice but go with:
“Hey
Everyone! We’re all gonna get laid!”
Strike
up the band.
Viva la Syndicate! Well done, brothers. There isn’t an
ecclesiastical order that can hope to hold a candle to us. Though our numbers
may be few, our sardonic commentary remains legion. Your friendly bookie
blesses you…..
My Updated Stats:
Spread: 10-20-2
Straight up: 18-12-2
No time to finish up the Italy vs. Puerto match. The Stats
from yesterday stand. Let’s talk tomorrow’s game.
USA vs. Dominican Republic
(Craig Kimbrel vs. Alfredo Simon)
HAH! Given today’s events, one might invest some faith/coin
in the Franciscans. These are the Dominicans we’re talking about. It will prove
a hard-fought nine innings. Nevertheless, expect Uncle Sam to prevail.
THE
LINE: USA + 2 Runs
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
