FWM 2015--Group B Preview

Introduction—“Fatherland knows Best”

 

(Deutschland, Cote d’Ivoire, Norway, Thailand)

          

The nascent presence of women’s football programs in many countries leaves one unable to slap any one of this tournament’s six groups with the “Group of Life” label.

Groups C and E flirt with the designation by virtue of the fact that they might allow one of the small-time programs to sneak through. Costa Rica, South Korea, and Ecuador all remain in contention for a projected two to three “Cinderella Slots”. For the purposes of this competition, we’ll define a “Cinderella Side “ as a low-ranked debutante that sneaks through to the Round of 16.

No Cinderella here. The clock strikes Midnight before a ball is kicked. It’s simply inconceivable that either one of the “minnows” can hope to even nibble at the ankles of two giants of the Female Footballing Universe. The Krauts and Norwegians run the two most successful and well-established programs in all of Europe. No Achilles Heel. No smooth rocks for David’s Sling. We’ll be setting some very high lines here. We may even stray into plus-four territory.

One certainly feels for the fledgling programs as they, of course, enter the tournament with their own inspirational stories. The Ivorians secured their place in dramatic fashion against the South Africans in the Qualifying Stage. Their improbable berth came despite having an administrative staff consisting of a whopping ZERO people.

The Ivorian Female Footballing federation doesn't have a President, a General Manager, a secretary, or even a receptionist. The whole program is run by a skeleton staff from the Male Federation’s Office volunteering a few hours a week. Interesting

The Thai team snatched a string of most unexpected upset qualifying victories against the backdrop of domestic political unrest and societal upheaval. Syndicate members have heard similar stories before, but that’s no excuse to greet the annual “football diplomacy” story with a shrug. Domestic interest in the squad is reportedly quite high. Telecasts are expected to draw decent numbers irrespective of the audiences “red”, “yellow”, “rural”, “urban”, “royal”, or “commie” affiliation.

In contrast to the Ivorian administrative apparatus—or lack thereof—the Thais do receive financial and organizational support from their Federation. They maintain Youth Squads and have a few training facilities. Even limited access to the purse strings can make a world of difference. Note that your friendly bookie gives the Ivorians slightly better odds purely out of his inherent “African Bias”. Bettors may wish to take advantage of their bookie’s quixotic hopes….for the “nth” time. ; )

The Kraut-Norse rivalry carries over from the 2013 UEFA Women’s Euro, during which the two sides split the difference in a group stage fixture and the Championship Match. Fans of the technical and tactical won’t want to miss out on their June 11^th encounter.   

Deutschland—“Feuchtgebiete”

Auf geht’s Mädels! Auf Geht’s Deutschland! Deutschland VOR! Schwarz und Weiß…wir stehen auf eure Seite…und wir holen Sieg mit euch…und wir holen den Sieg mit euch….JETZT’S GEHT’S LOS!! Whew!

All of that patriotic fervor leaves my face red as a beet. Deutschland….fuck yeah! Okay. It’s all out of my system…or is now? Eins und zwei und drei und '54, '74, '90, 2014 alzo stimmen wir alle ein. Mit dem Herz in den Hand und die Leidenschaft in Bein werden wir WELTMEISTER sein!

Anyone up for counting a few stars? One, two, three, FOUR STARS, motherfuckers! Brazil may have five stars, but a 7-1 thrashing on their home soil means I don’t give a fuck!

The Group B Preview took 72 hours to drop in large part because I have a full time job that precludes me from even coming remotely close to the keys for 12-16 hours a day. Another reason Syndicate Members were forced to wait three entire days for their second set of odds affords us the opportunity to briefly discuss the root causes of procrastination.

It’s long since been scientifically proven through empirically peer- reviewed studies that human beings put off novel and blueprint-less projects off longer. Should one be uncertain how to tackle a particular project, there’s always time for a drink and another viewing of the Oliver Pocher video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFK8QHvJ-NQ

Do understand that this constitutes your friendly bookie’s first chance to gloat over his beloved Fatherland’s WM triumph on his blog. He remained uncertain of the precise manner in which he should adequately convey to all of you just how proud he is of his country and his team. Germans don’t get the chance to express pride in their land very often. It only comes around once every summer. Let’s do this:

WE’RE WORLD CHAMPIONS!

AGAIN!

RESPECT THE KRAUTS!

That feels oh so very nice. You have my word that it’s finally over. No more rubbing it in. Before discussing this year’s incarnation of die “Frauennationalmannschaft” some explanation of the nickname “Feuchgebiete” is in order. The term was initially coined in 2011 in honor of Charlotte Roche’s 2008 Novel, the English translation of which is known as “Wetlands”. “Feuchtgebiet” literally translates to “moist area”. Are we getting the drift? The basic premise of the novel was Vagina, Vagina, and still more Vagina. It was a pleasantly vulgar piece of eloquent soft-core porn.

I’ve no time to offer a synopsis, but think of it as a version of “50 Shades of Gray” for guys….only more graphic and disturbing. An alternative title of the novel might have been, “Everything you never really wanted to know about Vaginas, but foolishly decided to find out anyway” .   

Glad we cleared that up….which is one of the things the book teaches you how to….nevermind. ; )  We’ve still more business to attend to. It’s Wedding Season! Two of our footballers need to be congratulated on their nuptials.

Lead-striker Celia Okoyino da Mbabi married the Croat son of former FC Kasierslautern coach Milan Sasic. She’s now known as Celia Sasic. Kosovar Cutie Fatmire Bajramaj married fellow Slav Enis Alushi and took on his family name. The damned bastard managed to get her pregnant just before the competition and she’ll be forced to sit this round out. Still a bit pissed about that. There were better times to get some seed shot up in you, girl!!

The reigning Continental Champions get an important piece of their firepower back. Forward Alexandra Popp returns from injury. Sylvia Neid took our Mädels to their fourth consecutive European championship in spite of injuries to Popp and midfielder Kim Kulig as well as the scratching of three other natural strikers. She opted for youth in the likes of Lena Lotzen, Dzensifer Marozsan, Jennifer Cramer, Melanie Leupholz, Sara Däbritz, and Bianca Schmidt.

The gamble paid off. All of our little darlings brought home the glory, with the help of veterans like Anje Mittag, Lena Goeßling, Saskia Bartusiak, and Nadine Angerer. All of the (formerly) teenagers return along with the full veteran cast. In addition to Popp, VfL Wolfsburg defender Babatte Peter also returns from injury. This team is unbelievably strong.

Schwarz und Weiß….wir stehen auf euerer Seite….und wir holen den Sieg mit euch….und wir holen den Sieg mit euch….JETZT GEHT’S LOS!!

 Projecting the Kraut Lineup (4-2-3-1) 

Celia Okoyino da Mbabi

Simone Laudhehr             Lena Lotzen

Dzenisfer Marozsan

Lena Goeßling     Melanie Leupholz

B. Peter   S. Bartusiak A. Krahn B. Schmidt

Nadine Angerer

 The Talisman—Lena Lotzen 

My little “baby-faced assassin” is growing up! The versatile outfielder played a crucial role in the 2013 victory. Now she’s back, even more mature and ready to shock the world. Lotzen may be best likened to Dortmund fullback Erich Durm.

She can play back, roam the wings, do the “Flight Director” thing in central midfield, and even serve as emergency striker in a pinch. Her versatility reminds one of a younger Per Mertesacker. At the tender age of 21, she’s just getting started. Neid would be a fool not to start her on the right flank.

She’s the full package. Go on, girl.

 Who’s That German Girl? 

(We’ll do our utmost to avoid mentioning Steffi Graf and her wonderfully protruding nose ; ). That’s MY nose!! )

1) Simone Laudehr continues to do it “Gang-Kraut Style”

 

2) Pauline Bremer is a nice new addition

3) Lena Lotzen will always rock my world, even if she plays for Bayern.

4) Babette Peter can’t help but give you a crooked smile, but who doesn’t love an “11 Freundeninnen Covergirl”?

 

5) Jennifer Cramer may have lost her spot in the starting lineup, but I still like her

6) Melanie Leupolz isn’t a bitch, no matter what her hairstyle suggests

7) Alexandra Popp remains hot no matter what you rubes have to say

 

8) Best of luck to Lena Petermann in her college career:

9) Lena Goeßling’s legal problems don’t disqualify her from anything.

 

Cote d’Ivoire—“Le femme Elephants”

All empathy aside, one cannot project a favorable outcome for a side ranked 61^st in the world. Each bit of vestigial research into the story of this squad imbues one with an equally vestigial flicker of hope, in itself a very dangerous thing. One roots for an uplifting story.

Such longings have little to do with the sake of the story itself. Fuck that. Your friendly bookie isn’t looking to sell copy or up his stats. I’d personally like to see this team succeed so that the country’s program could acquire a modest staffing budget.

How nice it would be if a few Ivorian university students could attain a middle-class income from some light administrative work! 

We’ll dispense with such talk as even the humble desire to effect some meekly positive pragmatic change in this world often turns out to be a very stupid idea. Trust your friendly bookie on that one. Keep your hopes in scope, remain in the Shadows, and find a way to keep laughing  ; )

One inextinguishable flicker of hope springs from the “CAN/AFC” Chapter of the Syndicate that we recently finished. The Ivorians shall remain the official champions of Africa for another 21 Months. No one can take away the glory bestowed upon this country after Yaya Toure and co FINALLY got it together. As an added bonus, the entire coastal republic, still in the grips of football fever, will tune in to satiate their interest.

There’s no such thing as bad exposure for these ladies. Perhaps the parlayed interest will lead to a bit of positive pragmatic change after all…..or perhaps your friendly bookie had a rough day at work and wants to believe in fairies again ; ( We’ll see. Keep some safe money on the former.

A Final Thought (or “shout out”) is in order for Syndicate Members 33-M and 91-M. Hope you guys are enjoying your orange jerseys! Many of your brothers are sporting the “Nigerian Super Eagle” Trikots. By the time this project is finished, your friendly bookie may very well make an Africa fan out of every last man!

 Projecting the Ivorian Lineup (4-2-3-1) 

Jose Nayi

Rita Akaffou Ines Nrehy Marie Yassi

Fernande Noukeu  Christine Yeble

Djelika Coulibaly         Fatou Coulibaly

C. Koutouan F. Noukeu

Dominique Thiamale

 The Talisman— 

Naturally, we don’t have one. Sabine Nogbou was the initial choice, but she appears to have been dropped from the final squad for some unknown reason. The appropriately hued question mark to your right connotes the rapacious curiosity associated with the unknown. Answers will come after kickoff. All will be revealed in due time.

 Who’s That Ivorian Girl? 

Once more, FIFA’s official team picture will have to suffice:

 

Don’t tell me they look too mean! That’s just their look. Besides that, do you happen to know how annoying it is to have to pose for a team photograph after you’ve spent twenty minutes in the tunnel holding hands with kids, another ten minutes sitting through the national anthems, and another five dealing with the ceremonial swap/coin toss/handshake.

In the eyes of your friendly bookie, these girls just look like they’re ready to play the goddamned game already. Screw the “team photo”!

Norway—“The Grasshoppers”

Much will be written about this insanely talented team in the coming days. A great deal has already been written about the likes of Cecile Peterson, Marita Skammelsrud Lund, Kristine Wigdahl Hegland, Caroline Peterson, Ada Hegerberg, Maren Mjelde, and Caroline Dekkerhus in previous Syndicate Chapters.

If there’s one team that presents my almighty Krauts with a challenge for the group title, it’s these girls. They have the right formation and the right coach.

Even Pellerud returns after a long absence. Your friendly bookie projects a modified 4-1-4-1 with Hegerberg just waiting for the telegraphed punts of the skilled young Hansen. Dekkerhus backs her up while Haavi keeps the defense in line. In theory it should work.

This bookie can only afford to study football formations for a half hour or so after work, anyway. Even if I should have it wrong, I remain confident that Pellerund will somehow find a way of getting it right.

It’s bad luck to bet against “Elf-Girl”. She’s got something in store for us.

 Projecting the Norwegian Lineup (4-1-4-1) 

Ada Hegerberg

Kristine W. Hegland    Caroline G.Hansen

S. Guldbrandsen  C. Dekkerhus

Emile Haavi

K. Minde M. Skammelsrund T.B. Rønning M. Mjelde

Ingrid Hjelmseth

 The Talisman—Ingrid Hjelmseth 

“The Keeper”. Tim Howard wrote a book utilizing that title. Tim Howard could also use a shave and a non-camouflage jersey. Tim Howard might as well stop fucking up for FC Everton while he’s at it. “The Keeper” should ideally train with the outfield players. “The Keeper” should also practice penalties, run five miles per day, and spend the other four waking hours working on reflex training.

Sorry to hate on “The Keeper”, but Hjemseth is reportedly a beast when it comes to that repertoire. Manuel Neuer also works his ass off. Tim Howard may adhere to the same workout regimen. This bookie has no clue. He’s still not in the same league. Not even close. Bad writers must be abased.

 Who’s that Beauty of Thor? 

1) Marita Skammelsrud Lund is hot…and everybody knows it.

 

2) Maren Mjelde still doesn’t disappoint.

3) Nora Holstad Berge still looks good…even in the Bayern jersey.

 

4) Ingrid Moe Wold has the worst name anyone could possibly imagine, but she still rocks it.

5) Elise Thornses is a familiar name

6) Kristine Minde isn’t:

7) Emile Haavi presents, the “triumphant return of ‘Elf Girl’”

Thailand—“The War Elephants”

 To reiterate a point elucidated above: There’s no such thing as bad exposure. By the very virtue of their appearance in the Women’s World Cup Finals, these ladies will earn priceless attention and fungible dollars for their program. Women’s football will not advance unless it captures the public’s imagination. No need to get desperate, ladies. The French Girls tried that back in 2011:

….

….

….

….

And they…er…they…..they….dammit. Leave it to the French girls. They make it seem as if every man simply wishes create some sort of trivial and depthless homage to the feminine form:

http://shadow-scholar-syndicate.blogspot.com/2014/06/wm-2014-day-nine-recap.html

Shit. There you have it. Even Geopolitics Scholars still get the urge. ; (

The Thai Maidens should turn in a heartfelt enough performance. Let’s all hope some more financing follows.

 Projecting the Thai Lineup (4-3-3) 

Taneekarn Danga

Thanatta Chawong    Kajana Sungngoen

P. Khueanpet    A. Maijarern

N. Seesraum

D. Changplook  S. Strangthaisong W. Phetwiset D. Sritala

S.C. Charoenying

 The Talisman—Taneekarn Dangda 

 

I’ve skillfully selected the only player any outside armchair analyst might have ever heard of. Problematically enough, the only reason any “amateur football guru” has ever heard of her is because she’s the sister of one of the men’s national team players. The lordly notion of more respect for women’s football begins with your friendly bookie. The buck stops with him ; ) 

 Who’s that Thai Girl? 

Initially wanted to compose a barb about “Thai Massages” here, but it would have been woefully inappropriate. ; )

Once again, a team picture will have to suffice:

 

FIFA Insiders should know that describing a team as having “great familiarity with one another” essentially translates to “I don’t really know anything about these players”. ; ) ; )

Vicey’s Fearless Group Prediction (Straight Up for bookie)

 1) Deutschland 

 2) Norway 

 3) Cote d’Ivoire 

 4) Thailand 

Overall Championship Odds

 Deutschland (NO BETS)

 Norway  (3 to 1)

 Cote d’Ivoire (14 to 1)

 Thailand (15 to 1)

Round of 16 Odds

 Deutschland (NO BETS)

 Norway (Straight Up)

 Cote d’Ivoire (6 to 1)

 Thailand (7 to 1)

Quarterfinal Odds

 Deutschland (NO BETS)

 Norway (Straight Up)

 Cote d’Ivoire (10 to 1)

 Thailand (10 to 1)

Semifinal Odds

 Deutschland (NO BETS)

 Norway (Straight Up)

 Cote d’Ivoire (12 to 1)

 Thailand (12 to 1)