Introduction—“A Canadian Cakewalk”
(Canada, China PR, New Zealand, the Netherlands)
Anyone at least tangentially following the build up to this
tournament knows that the main issue being broached in the media concerns
Canadian Synthetic turf. Blah.
This bookie never really considered that a matter of critical importance, nor did he ever take the threat of a player’s strike seriously. These girls are tough. Their knees can take a few 90-120 minutes on a plastic pitch. Such a non-issue shouldn’t seriously affect the quality of play. UEFA Champions League clubs play at least one match on one of Russia’s infamous ersatz phony fields each year and one honestly fails to notice.
This bookie never really considered that a matter of critical importance, nor did he ever take the threat of a player’s strike seriously. These girls are tough. Their knees can take a few 90-120 minutes on a plastic pitch. Such a non-issue shouldn’t seriously affect the quality of play. UEFA Champions League clubs play at least one match on one of Russia’s infamous ersatz phony fields each year and one honestly fails to notice.
What actually will give this competition a distinctly
different feel from the 2011 Championship involves the expansion of the
tournament from 16 teams to 24. That happens to interest your friendly bookie
greatly. The women’s instantly has a more global feel to it as we pick up one
more team from the respective qualifying regions of Africa, Latin America, and
CONCACAF. Asia adds two more entrants while Europe adds three.
It’s easy enough to project that countries such as Thailand,
Cameroon, and Costa Rica will serve as little other than doormats, but
countries such as China, Switzerland (potentially even Ecuador and Cote
d’Ivoire) boast decent prospects of making the newly inserted Knockout
Round. Such reasoning, of course,
owes much to the fact that the number of groups doesn’t cleanly divide by four
and we’ll thus be pulling four third-placers with us into the Round of 16.
Er…read through it all again and you’ll get it ; )
The only other tournament covered by the Syndicate to
feature such seeding rules was the 2013 UEFA Women’s Euro—(FEM 2013. While that
competition ultimately proved an entertaining chapter, your friendly bookie
openly groused about the sluggish start turned in by virtually every squad
during the first two rounds.Twelve countries in three groups contested eight Quarterfinals places. As a result, teams took their sweet ass time finding fourth gear and we weren’t really treated to football of any memorable quality until the final group stage matches. Grumble, grumble, grumble ; (
One hopes against hope that we won’t witness something
similar in the coming weeks, but groups such as this one provide an exemplary
example of why certain teams will find no reason to take unnecessary offensive
risks in their opening two fixtures. Only Canada and China need to firmly
depress the gas pedal from the outset.
The Chinese cannot afford to slack off, given their underdog status. The Canadians owe it to their hometown audience. Additionally, they must secure first place in the group if they hope to avoid the Krauts in the Knockouts.
The Chinese cannot afford to slack off, given their underdog status. The Canadians owe it to their hometown audience. Additionally, they must secure first place in the group if they hope to avoid the Krauts in the Knockouts.
With all of this in mind, we’ll project that the Canadians
dominate the “Cruise Control Teams” and grab the top spot with nine easy
points. The Dutch and Kiwis should go through without devoting much care to who
finishes second. Difficult to see the Chinese punching through, but not
impossible.
Canada—“The
Canuck Chicks”
Ugh. This team was downright painful to watch. Sinclair just couldn’t rally the troops. Zero forward momentum. Egregiously bad fits of ball watching. Clumsy challenges. Sloppy passing. In short, everything that sends “football apologists” into convulsions, this team did.
Christ almighty they were bad! After the French pulverized
them 4-0 in Round Two, this languid side played such a hopelessly boring game
against the Nigerians in Dresden that they stadium itself said “Fuck it” and
shut off all its own lights. No one wanted to watch this travesty.
So, what has transpired over the last four years? Quite the
remarkable turnaround in point of fact. The Canucks hired former kiwi coach
John Herdman and he’s compiled a most impressive record in both friendlies and
tournaments. He’s accomplished all of this with minimal tinkering to the team’s
corps.
Sinclair retains the armband. Tancredi, Wilkinson, Matheson, Moscato, Filligno, Kyle, Schmidt, and Zurrer all held on their spots in the starting eleven. The only major absence of note is “Quebecois Queen”, Christina Julien, who also kept her job but remained unavailable for this tournament due to injury.
Sinclair retains the armband. Tancredi, Wilkinson, Matheson, Moscato, Filligno, Kyle, Schmidt, and Zurrer all held on their spots in the starting eleven. The only major absence of note is “Quebecois Queen”, Christina Julien, who also kept her job but remained unavailable for this tournament due to injury.
Julien’s injury means Sinclair will likely be deployed all
alone up front. That may prove quite fortuitous. She’s approaching peak form
based on what this bookie has read. The same can be said of other veterans
Diana Matheson and Desiree Scott.
Tancredi recent form should make her an ideal “joker” off the bench. Filligno and Kyle should be able to spark some forward momentum in midfield. The back of Wilkinson, Moscato, Gayle, and Zurrer are all solid veterans who won’t be caught ball watching again.
Tancredi recent form should make her an ideal “joker” off the bench. Filligno and Kyle should be able to spark some forward momentum in midfield. The back of Wilkinson, Moscato, Gayle, and Zurrer are all solid veterans who won’t be caught ball watching again.
Whatever this crew has been doing on the training pitch is
obviously working. We won’t see a repeat of 2011. This independent oddsmaker
proudly predicts a literal inverse.
Projecting
the Canadian Lineup (4-3-2-1)
Christine Sinclair
|
Jonelle Filligno Kaylyn
Kyle
|
Sophie Schmidt
|
Diana Matheson Desiree
Scott
|
R. Wilkinson C. Moscato R. Gayle E. Zurrer
|
Erin McLeod
|
The
Talisman—Christine Sinclair She’s now logged an unfathomable 222 Caps for her country in which she’s scored an insane total of 153 (!!) goals. She now enters her fourth Women’s WM with it all resting on her shoulders
How many female footballers have polished highlight reels on
Youtube? Not many, gentlemen. She’s a legend.
Who’s
That Canadian Girl?
1) Kayln Kyle is one of our returning champions:
2) So is Jonelle Filligno
3) Please welcome Selena Iacchelli
China
PR—“The Steel Roses”
Time to unravel the fortunes of the eleven of whom some
would argue (translated from the original Mandarin) should be termed the
“Forceful Roses”. Nah! We’re not going with “Forceful Roses”. Even “Google
Translate” wouldn’t spit out something that bad.As pertains to the overall outlook, I’ll project that an extremely young collection of domestic league players should be capable of engineering some entertaining spells of possession, produce at least two goals, earn at least one draw before finishing at the bottom of the group….er…“in bed”. Dammit! That one almost always works.
Conveying cogent and relevant information about a “Syndicate
Debutante” proves difficult for all of the usual reasons. Prior to today, I
hadn’t really heard of nearly any of these players. I have vague recollections
of freakishly tall keeper Wang Fei, who I presumably saw while scouting a
Turbine Potsdam game. About all I recall about it is that she scrapes the sky
at what appeared to be 6’8’’ or taller.
Lead striker Ma Yun plays in the South Korean Women’s League, which is supposed to be a highly competitive and super-charming association with good fan support and good quality football. To be honest with you, I’ve been meaning to check it out for some years.
Lead striker Ma Yun plays in the South Korean Women’s League, which is supposed to be a highly competitive and super-charming association with good fan support and good quality football. To be honest with you, I’ve been meaning to check it out for some years.
A dearth of English websites carrying any information on
this squad means there are so many basic stats this bookmaker can’t access. How
many caps have most of these women logged for their country? Dunno. Who’s their
leading scorer? You tell me. One wonders why in the hell this is.
The Chinese have always been a force in Women’s Football. They even hosted the inaugural FIFA Women’s World Cup in 1991. They hosted again in 2007. They’ve made the knockout rounds in all of the five tournaments that they’ve participated in, made the semis twice, and even played against the Americans in the 1999 Final.
The Chinese have always been a force in Women’s Football. They even hosted the inaugural FIFA Women’s World Cup in 1991. They hosted again in 2007. They’ve made the knockout rounds in all of the five tournaments that they’ve participated in, made the semis twice, and even played against the Americans in the 1999 Final.
They’re one of the most successful countries in the history
of women’s football, yet few know much about them. What does this tell us about
the women’s game? Well..to quote Louis van Gaal, “In what for is this world
twisted?”. The game is a late addition to most people’s radars. It doesn’t get
nearly the amount of respect that it merits. 2011 served as an enormous step in
the right direction. 2015 will render that wave of interest soft by comparison.
Mark my words!
The lineup projection is based on some Chinese
character-based-websites that leave me with a slight headache. Oh well. An
educated guess is better than none at all. We’ll find out more about these
“Panda Power Pets” soon enough. Looking very much forward to meeting these
ladies.
One stat that I was able to glean as pertains to the Dragonesses
is their ages. They’re babies! Not one player on the roster is over the age of
26. Should “Team Tyro” manage to pull it together it will make for one helluva
story. Stay tuned.
Projecting
the Chinese Lineup (4-4-2)
Ma Jun Yang Li
|
Ren
Guixin Gu Yasha
|
Han Peng Li
Ying
|
Li Dongna Liu
Shanshan
|
Wu Haiyan Wang Shanshan
|
Wang Fei
|
The
Talisman—
Can’t give you one. Sorry! Presumably it would be either
lead striker Ma Jun or the defensive captain Wu Haiyan. I simply don’t know!
We’ll most definitely find out. Back in 2011, your friendly bookie entered the
tournament knowing jack and shit about the women from Equatorial Guinea. By the
end of the proceedings he was arguably the world’s biggest Anonman fan. I’ll
find my rose. Don’t you doubt it!
Who’s
That Chinese Girl?
You’re more than welcome to take a look at the team photo
courtesy of the official FIFA Website:
Right. Longtime Syndicate members know that this remains an
issue very close to my heart. It also happens to be the primary reason why I’m
not doing the 1 to 10 scales this year. I simply don't feel like it. In 2011 I
declared that the entire North Korean women’s football team were ALL the most
beautiful women in the world. Shady communist states take their international
sporting events very seriously.
Such was the case in East Germany, where a whole generation of female athletes were forcibly doped up and essentially trained to compete as men. A museum commemorating this horrid chapter in international athletics exists in Berlin. Your friendly bookie visited it during his 2007-08 sojourn, emerging quite misty eyed at the cruelty perpetrated in the name of sport. Sad stuff.
A few of these players were cleared bred, trained, and possibly doped to compete as men. That wouldn’t in itself constitute a tragedy if they had some choice in the matter. Therefore, they are ALL gorgeous. Every last one of them.
Such was the case in East Germany, where a whole generation of female athletes were forcibly doped up and essentially trained to compete as men. A museum commemorating this horrid chapter in international athletics exists in Berlin. Your friendly bookie visited it during his 2007-08 sojourn, emerging quite misty eyed at the cruelty perpetrated in the name of sport. Sad stuff.
A few of these players were cleared bred, trained, and possibly doped to compete as men. That wouldn’t in itself constitute a tragedy if they had some choice in the matter. Therefore, they are ALL gorgeous. Every last one of them.
New
Zealand—“The ‘All Cunts’”
New Zealand’s rugby team is known as the “All Blacks” while their male football side is referred to as “The All Whites”. This bookie counts himself a fan of both those squads and thought that the Kiwi women should continue the proud tradition. They initially earned their moniker back in 2011, when I decided that the “All-Vaginas” simply didn’t possess the same pop.
I’ll gleefully tell you all about this team, who turned in
one of the more enthralling performances back in 2011, despite not advancing.
Sarah Gregorius and Amber Hearn spearhead the attack. I’ve had the pleasure of
watching both of them play in the German women’s Bundesliga. Neither one could
be described as a “boring, big target forward”.
Both will wow you with superb mobility, elegant touches, and outstanding finishing. A pair of U.S. college students, Hannah Wilkinson and Katie Bowen, bring similar skill sets. All except Bowen supplied us memorable tallies in the previous tournament. They return improved and set for more.
Both will wow you with superb mobility, elegant touches, and outstanding finishing. A pair of U.S. college students, Hannah Wilkinson and Katie Bowen, bring similar skill sets. All except Bowen supplied us memorable tallies in the previous tournament. They return improved and set for more.
Captain Abbey Erceg is another Bundesliga veteran who
anchors the defensive corps. She’s joined by natural centerback Ria Percival,
who had been unnaturally deployed up front after injuries forced a reshuffling
in the 2011 competition. The pair are said to have wonderful chemistry. Irrespective of what position she played, your friendly bookie fondly recalls
Percival’s talent for distribution. She was a regular Schweine with those
cutting through balls. Can’t wait to see her back in action!
Right fullback Anna Green doesn’t prowl the flanks with the
same tenacity as the Angel we’re about to get to. She's still very technical on
the ball and a real treat to watch. Trust me. That brings us to Ali Riley. Yes,
yes. Your friendly bookie has a crush on her. You all know that. Nevertheless,
I should inform you that my infatuation isn’t solely based on the fact that
she’s an absolute stunner.
She’s also a magnificent “Roving Fullback”. She hustles all over the pitch like a lightning bolt. I’m fairly certain the girl must know how to teleport as she’s always finds a way to make it back to her position no matter how brutal the requisite physical exertion is. It’s incredible.
She’s also a magnificent “Roving Fullback”. She hustles all over the pitch like a lightning bolt. I’m fairly certain the girl must know how to teleport as she’s always finds a way to make it back to her position no matter how brutal the requisite physical exertion is. It’s incredible.
Keep an eye on her if you dare. You’ll see her racing to
balls on the opposite flack, performing gorgeous sliding tackles up front,
striding to save balls going out of touch, and pelting a few powerful efforts
towards goal. She runs like a goddamned deer. She’s a fearsome little rover; a
badass bitch in every sense of the word. One simply cannot help but root for
someone who hustles with such imposing tenacity. That’s what football’s all
about. ; )
We should of course note that Germans are conditioned to
fall in love with a “Roving Fullback”. That’s how our beloved heroic former
captain Phillip Lahm sculpted us. We love ourselves a little hustler who roams
around the pitch to make things happen anywhere and everywhere he/she can.
Which Football Fern will you fall in love with? There will be one. Believe you
me.
Prepare to fall in love, gentlemen. The ferns dress up in
white war makeup and play their hearts out. You’ll absolutely love watching
this team!
Projecting
the Football Fern Lineup (4-4-2)
Amber
Hearn Sarah Gregorious
|
Katie Bowen Rosie White
|
Kirsty Yallop Betsy Hasset
|
Ali
Riley Anna Green
|
Abbey Erceg Ria Percival
|
Erin Nayler
|
The
Talisman—Abbey Erceg Sometimes a lanky centerback functions as the soul of an eleven’s overall performance. Don’t believe me? Ask Arsene Wegner. He’s perpetually concerned with “Zen and the Art of Mertesacker Maintenance”. Erceg is a fine choice to don the armband. How she leads will determine the Kiwi’s fate.
Who’s
That Lovely Fern?
Oh Christ. How much time do we have?
1) How about Erin Nayler?
2) Don’t forget Anna Green.
3) Sarah Gregorious is still here too!
4) Rosie White never left this heart.
6) Hannah Wilkinson hasn’t aged a day!
7) Evie Millynn is a welcome new entrant.
8) Emma Kete is as hot as ever
9) …and let’s NEVER forget my favorite little hottie: Ali
Riley. Keep up the great work, girl…and take your shirt off more often!
![[IMG]](http://www.ultimatenzsoccer.com/RoleModels/79450080.jpg)
The
Netherlands—“Clockwork Leeuwinnen”
I do believe we can all agree that the Dutch are a bunch of
goofballs. ; ) Yes, they’re all a bunch of bumbling, stumbling, chinless
accented fools with a dyslexic grasp of syntax ; ) Strap on your clown shoes,
here come the ridiculously dopey, daffy, and dippy whack jobs from an obscenely
small country that should have never been populated.As our former loyal beer sponsor “Pißwasser Pils” so appropriately stated in their iconic advertisement, “FUCK THE DUTCH!”. Nothing but a bunch of imbecilic dunces. FUCK THE DUTCH!
Tongue firmly in cheek, gentlemen. Nevertheless, I must
submit a compelling piece of evidence. Louis van Gaal evinces the notion that
the Dutch simply cannot help but sound like blundering blockheads.
Now he’s murdering the English language as ManU’s head
coach.
God Bless Louis van Gaal…and Giovanni Trappatoni! They’ve
both done such a spectacular jobs of re-inventing distinctive versions of my
two “mother tongues”.
“What is this world twisted?”
“WAS ERLAUBT STRUNZ”?
Hehehe. Too much fun. Let’s settle down and discuss the
“Dutch Dames”. The Syndicate’s introduction to the Brilliant Oranje’s chromosomal
counterpart took place during FEM 2013. Though the Lionesses failed to register
a single goal, Lieke Martens, Danielle van de Donk, Kristen van de Van, Sherida
Spitse, and Dyane Bito quickly became subjects of your friendly bookie’s
intrigue. Hoogendijk, Koster, and Slegers caught his eye too.
Given the amount of potential they had, it came as a
surprise that the Leeuwinnen couldn’t pull out a victory in the final group
draw against Iceland. Even more surprising, head coach Roger Reijners kept his
job. I felt for sure that he would be joining Bert van Marwijk in the “Dutch
Hall of Disgrace”.
Forecasting an outcome for this side isn’t easy. A late
injury to newly anointed captain Claudia van der Heilegenberg throws a wrench
into the projected lineup. This oddmaker is also unsure what to make of
18-year-old-phenom Vivianne Miedema. More on her below. Will she shine like
Rooney and Messi did? Or is she another Walcott/Freddy Adu?
Answers are forthcoming.
Projecting
the Dutch Lineup (4-2-1-3)
Manon
Melis
|
Lieke Martens Kirsten van de Ven
|
Danielle van de
Donk
|
Sherida Spitse Dyanne Bito
|
A.
Hoogendijk M. v.d. Berg
|
Loes Geurts
|
The
Talisman—Vivienne Miedema We all recall Messi’s dazzling work off the bench in the 2006 World Cup. How can one forget Neymar’s sparkling debut in the 2013 Confederations Cup? Okay….maybe I’m the only one who recalls those. Regardless, there’s a really great story brewing here. Either way, this will be cool to observe.
Who’s
That Dutch Dame?
1) You’ve already met Lieke Martens, Danielle van de Donk,
and Leonne Stentler. Care to meet Annouk Hoogendijk?
2) What about Dyanne Bito?
3) Don’t forget our new girl! Vivienne Miedema looks damn good in that FC Bayern Trikot.
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (3 to 1 Odds for bookie)
1)
Canada
2)
Netherlands
3) New
Zealand
4) China
PR
Overall
Championship Odds
Canada
(Straight Up) Netherlands (3 to 1) New
Zealand (4 to 1) China PR
(12 to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
Canada
(Straight Up) Netherlands
(Straight Up) New
Zealand (Straight up) China PR
(3 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds
Canada
(Straight Up) Netherlands
(Straight Up) New
Zealand (Straight Up) China PR
(4 to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
Canada
(Straight Up) Netherlands
(Straight Up) New
Zealand (Straight Up) China PR
(5 to 1)
