FWM 2015--Group D Preview

Introduction—“The Group of ‘Death becomes Her”

(USA, Australia, Sweden, Nigeria)

          

We’ve little choice but to dispense with the baroque introduction this evening. Additionally, team synopses will be more concise. 

Pop the Champagne corks, gentlemen! Your loquacious bookie shall rant substantially less! (Believe it or not, he’s actually skilled in the art of brevity). 

We’re already behind schedule as it is and some zealous members of the Stateside Syndicate Contingent demand to meet their team. I’m not entirely sure why it falls to me to introduce their team, but I consider it an honor all the same : )

You’ll get your chance to meet all the pretty girls soon, gentlemen. Feel free to simply scroll down (as usual) if you can’t bear to wait another 2.3 seconds. I do wish to draw attention to this group’s massive clout first. It remains by far the most intriguing of all the clusters. None of the other five groups sport such potential. 

Four top-tier teams are set to square off in what surely will prove the most entertaining fixtures of the initial phase. Your friendly bookie will carry on in his usual fashion and DVR every last match of the tournament. Sometime in the distant future, he’ll waste a few perfectly good evenings drinking whiskey whilst reviewing the games and adding detailed retroactive notes.

That's my thing. You’re more than welcome to only watch games involving your country…and screw holding off on the whiskey! Do allow me briefly promote the other squads participating here. Pia Sundhage’s Sweden returns eager to shake off a disappointing showing in the 2013 UEFA Women’s Euro. 

The always-entertaining “Outback Ovaries” will give it a go with a pair of new alternate captains and a few peaking youngsters. The “Super Falcons” of Nigeria may not hold the same place in Syndicate Lore as our darling “Super Eagles”, but they’ve got a really exciting crew of newbies under the aegis of a seasoned veteran. Watch all of the fixtures if you can!

That’s it, America. Ready to meet YOUR team!?? You better bloody well get pumped up for them! They’re awesome..and they’re also the favorites! 

USA—“Sam’s Angels”

We might as well begin with those conspicuous by their absence. Heather Mitts was always more of a model than a footballer. She didn’t get any playing time in 2011 and it’s no surprise that she wasn’t even on the short list for selection this time. Stephanie Cox is too preoccupied with her philanthropy to join us. 

Lori Lindsey won’t be joining us either. Rachel Buehler has been dropped. Ditto Amy LePeilbet. Lauren Cheney….will be coming along. Whew! She’s just known as Lauren Holliday now. These damn women have tendencies to get married and change their name. Difficult to keep track of!

Cheney/Holliday headlines the strong returning cast of former tyros who now come back with invaluable experience under their belt Kelley O’Hara, Tobin Heath, Julie Johnston, Alex Morgan, and Carli Lloyd also belong in this category. 

Your returning established veterans are Ali Krieger, Becky Sauerbrunn, and Meghan Rapinoe. This brings us to the…well…no other way to put this…SERIOUSLY old ladies. No reason to sound the alarm. They may be ancient dinosaurs in terms of pedantic football logic, but they can still play.

Projected starting keeper Hope Solo is now 33. That’s not a problem. Keepers can keep performing well into their late thirties. Just ask Gianluigi Buffon. No need to expend any more time on Solo. Everyone’s heard just about enough from her. She dominates the news. Every other city you go…..always on the video…you see the same Ho….(pe) : ) ; )

Former captain Christine Rampone is now….39!!?!! Don’t lose sleep over it. She’s relinquished her captain’s armband as well as (this bookie projects) her starting spot. She’ll come off the bench to provide moral support. Shannon Boxx will turn 38 over the course of the tournament. Don’t fret. She’ll celebrate on the sidelines.

Projected lead striker Abby Wambach turns 35…..right about now. That doesn’t affect my odds. Abby was always a “Big-Target Forward”. Her speed matters not. All she has to do is get in position to finish quality crosses, just like she did against Brazil in the 2011 Semifinals.

Let’s talk “new faces”. All of them don’t exactly qualify as “new”. Tom Sermanni and Jill Ellis have been carefully grooming these girls over the past four years…while none of us we really paying attention. Striker Sydney Leroux has already logged 71 Caps and scored 35 goals. Defender Whitney Engen has put her time in. 

Midfielder Morgan Brian has too. Her “position partner” Lori Chalupny only missed the last competition because of injury. Forward Christian Press is a late bloomer. The 26-year-old broke into the squad late, but scored goals in nearly half of her appearances.

The Projected lineup below was constructed only after careful deliberation. That’s the eleven that I would select. It may be unorthodox, but this bookie is convinced that it’s the best one. Syndicate Members already know that my loyalty belongs solely to the Fatherland. When it comes to football, I don’t waver for a nanosecond in choosing which side to support. 

When it comes to Women’s Football…..I’ll waver for a few nanoseconds, and still support Deutschland ; ) Regardless, I still root for the U.S. Ladies with all of my heart and soul…so long as they’re not playing Germany.

Best of luck, Yanks. Check out your pretty girls. God bless America…and the freedom to be a “Sex Symbol”!!

 Projecting the American Lineup (4-2-3-1) 

Abby Wambach

Megan Rapinoe

Heather O’Reilly      Alex Morgan

Morgan Brian  Carli Lloyd

K. O’Hara C. Rampone B. Sauerbrunn A. Krieger

Hope Solo

 The Talisman—Meghan Rapinioe 

Meet your new captain, America. This marvelous “footballing femme” was always the clear choice. She may be a lezzie, but that never came close to stopping me from falling in head-over-heels in love with her. She displays such amazing creativity on the ball. It’s a feast for your eyes! She’s essentially female version of Michael Ballack; swerving, twisting, and turning her way around anyone who dares challenge her. 

That’s not all! It was Rapinoe who delivered that beautifully arced cross to Wambach in the 2011 semi-finals. She also scored a fabulous scorcher against Columbia in the Group Stages and sang “Born in the USA” into the effects mike. I love this woman. If she ever showed the slightest inkling of liking dick, I’d marry her. ; ) 

Watch your new captain strum the guitar like a champ. She’ll lead you to glory!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JE551ziUj-M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkmbV6tUhnw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5UeDGvp9SM

MEET YOUR GIRLS!!

 Who’s That American Girl? 

DISCLAIMER:

THIS JOURNEY WILL BE DISTINCTIVELY DIFFERENT FROM ALL OF THE OTHERS.

Before we embark, you should know that American female footballers enjoy unique privileges. They’re allowed to put themselves forward as Sex Symbols should they so desire. Whether or not they choose to take advantage of this privilege is immaterial. We’ll stick to the point. The “Land of the Free” isn’t some shallow construct that idiotic politicians to utilize in their pedantic campaign speeches.

“Freedom” isn’t an abstract and indefinable notion. For these female footballers, “Freedom” may be defined as the “constitutional right to bear skin”. Virtually ALL Muslim Women are unfairly deprived of this right. God bless America. I’m proud to be an American/Westerner, and I’m NOT Afraid.

 

1) Have to give the people what they want. Everyone (except for this bookie) wants to see Hope Solo naked. Here you are:

2) Wouldn’t you rather see Sydney Leroux being more modest? Ooops. We’ll have to scratch that notion.

 

3) Oh Well. Becky Sauerbrunn wouldn’t stoop so low as to pose with some entendre objects.

4) Okay. Maybe she would….but not my little darling Kelley O’Hara!!

5) Amy Rodriguez still has some dignity, no?

6) Good for Amy Rodriguez. She doesn’t feel the need to spoil her natural beauty by over-extending the pose. She’s more like Heather O’Reilly. She just does pretty without all the glamour.

7) Carli Lloyd does it the same way.

8) Ali Krieger doesn’t need to pose for you either.

9) We’re on a roll here! Alex Morgan doesn’t care what you think about her! She would never…..oh fuck it…here are the photos that everyone’s been waiting for:

 

10) Right. Let’s forget about Morgan for a second. Surely Meghan Rapinoe doesn’t feel the need to pose. There’s no need for her to strike a pose for your sorry ass!

11) Tobin Heath won’t pose for you…or at least she won’t do it on purpose ; )

 

12) Julie Johnston obstinately refuses as well…but only because she recently began playing for the national side.

13) Christian Press will also hold off….for a year or two.

 

14) Meghan Klingenberg will also take her time.

15) Look….here’s the real deal: Your friendly bookie still holds Abby Wambach in the highest of all regards. She’s an awesome footballer and that counts for more than anything ; )

Australia—“The Outback Ovaries”

Collette McCallum retired on us ; ( This bookie will miss her madly. She was an indispensable part of the “Waltzing Matildas” and she made a most awe-inspiring contribution to the continuing serial “Storia della Belleza with Umberto Eco Vicey”. 

I’ll miss you, my fiery little redhead : ) Claire Polkinghorne and Lisa De Vanna now assume the mantle relinquished by former captain Melissa Barbieri. Laura Alleway, Elise Kellond-Knight, Emily van Egmond, Tameka Butt, Alana Kennedy, Samantha Kerr, and Kyah Simon now re-emerge to fill the void. How will they fare?

Kerr demonstrated some propensity for movement on the left flank. One can envision her ripping through the fullbacks assigned with defending her. Uzular and van Egmond possess the talent to punt forward a few useful balls upfield. 

Caitlin Foord is the only one that I’m unsure about. She started back in 2011, but only as a right back. This team needs her to assume a more proactive role. Simon and de Vanna need to latch on to the right punts.

We shall see. In the meantime, please enjoy the lyrics to “Waltzing Matilda”. Such a fantastic song. The Tom Waits cover remains the best:

Wasted and wounded, it ain't what the moon did, I've got what I paid for now

See you tomorrow, hey Frank, can I borrow a couple of bucks from you

To go waltzing Mathilda, waltzing Mathilda,

You'll go waltzing Mathilda with me

I'm an innocent victim of a blinded alley

And I'm tired of all these soldiers here

No one speaks English, and everything's broken, and my Stacys are soaking wet

To go waltzing Mathilda, waltzing Mathilda,

You'll go waltzing Mathilda with me

Now the dogs are barking and the taxi cab's parking

A lot they can do for me

I begged you to stab me, you tore my shirt open,

And I'm down on my knees tonight

Old Bushmill's I staggered, you'd bury the dagger

In your silhouette window light go

To go waltzing Mathilda, waltzing Mathilda,

You'll go waltzing Mathilda with me

Now I lost my Saint Christopher now that I've kissed her

And the one-armed bandit knows

And the maverick Chinamen, and the cold-blooded signs,

And the girls down by the strip-tease shows, go

Waltzing Mathilda, waltzing Mathilda,

You'll go waltzing Mathilda with me

No, I don't want your sympathy, the fugitives say

That the streets aren't for dreaming now

And manslaughter dragnets and the ghosts that sell memories,

They want a piece of the action anyhow

Go waltzing Mathilda, waltzing Mathilda,

You'll go waltzing Mathilda with me

And you can ask any sailor, and the keys from the jailor,

And the old men in wheelchairs know

And Mathilda's the defendant, she killed about a hundred,

And she follows wherever you may go

Waltzing Mathilda, waltzing Mathilda,

You'll go waltzing Mathilda with me

And it's a battered old suitcase to a hotel someplace,

And a wound that will never heal

No prima donna, the perfume is on an

Old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey

And goodnight to the street sweepers, the night watchmen flame keepers

                                                        

And goodnight to Mathilda, too....

 Projecting the Australian Lineup (4-4-2) 

Lisa de Vanna  Kyah Simon

Samantha Kerr         Caitlin Foord

Tameka Butt  Emily van Egmond

Claire Polkinghorne                    Laura Alleway

E. Kellond-Knight Servet Uzunlar

Melissa Barbieri

 The Talisman—Lisa de Vanna 

She’s played for FIFTEEN separate clubs. Many footballers decline to play for the national team. They don’t need the additional physical and emotional stress after a long season playing for their club teams. Lisa de Vanna is a perfect example of a footballer who should ONLY play for the national team. That’s her place. That’s her home. Let’s see what she can do as co-captain. Give us a show, girl ; )

 Who’s That Outback Ovary? 

1) Stephanie Catlley is one of the newcomers. Check out this fine photograph.

2) Elise Kellond-Knight got the starting nod late in the last tournament. She returns, gorgeous as ever.

3) Caitlin Foord and her nice figure gets her first chance to start.

4) Tameka Butt has the misfortune of having one of the WORST names ever….but she still looks good in a swimsuit.

5) Alanna Kennedy’s performance on the pitch shouldn’t be ignored. Neither should her smile.

 

6) Kyah Simon knows what she’s doing, both on and off the pitch.

7) Katrina Gorry knows how to hold up a trophy.

 

8) Samantha Kerr is lovely no matter what you rubes say ; )

9) Nicola Bolger is off the chain too.

Sweden—“The Blaugults”

Pia has her work cut out for her. She needs to find a way of getting Caroline Seger moving AND properly motivating Lisa Dahlvist. Extremely old hats like Therese Sjögran and Sarah Thunebro can only carry this team so far. Nilla Fischer and Sofia Jakobsson may be approaching their peak, but the projected two strikers need support from central midfield and the back line. Syndicate Members should root for this team to succeed, if only to witness Lott Schelin’s “Pagan Fertility Dance” everytime they score a goal.

Schelin can only do so much. She’s equipped enough to deal with precision headers and well-placed triangulations. She has lost some speed, however. Asslani must seriously step it up if she’s to have any hope of replacing Landström’s prowess. That languid loss in the Euro 2013 Semifinals leaves me skeptical. There will be plenty more to write about this team after I see their opening match

 Projecting the Swedish Lineup (4-4-2 )

Lotta Schelin  Kosovare Assllani

Therese Sjögran              Sofia Jakobsson

Lisa Dahlkvist  Caroline Seger

Sarah Thunebro           Jessica Samuelsson

Lina Nilsson  Nilla Fischer

Hedvig Lindahl

 The Talisman—Lotta Schelin 

She’s just an amazing footballer. Even casual fans of the sport are familiar with Zlatan Ibrahimovic. It’s unfair to compare Lotta to him. She has his height, build, and flexibility. That doesn’t mean she’s a watered-down female version of him. She’s even better. Her ability to run demolishes that of Ibrahimovic.

 Her hustle puts his to shame. She’ll race to every loose ball and intelligently contest every 50-50. No one is allowed to speak a foul word about Lotta. Not on my watch.

 Who’s That Swedish Fish? 

1) 34-year-old Charlotte Rohlin is nowhere close to being finished.

2) Linda Sembrandt also approaches her “dirty thirty”. So what?

3) Emma Berglund smiles away despite her age.

4) Sarah Thunebro is now 36-years-of-age. Are we latching on to the theme just yet? Age is arbitrary.

 

5) Lisa Dahlkvist also defies age.

6) Lotta Schelin proves that beauty endures through all of time’s tribulations.

7) Kosovare Asllani should be paired with Schelin up front, if only because she’s so regally glorious.

Nigeria—“The Super Falcons”

The Falcons unfairly got a bad rap back in 2011 for a poorly-played dirty match against the Germans. Desperately sloppy tackling earned them a cruel reputation for unfair play. Such unjust talk was always overblown. It wasn’t as if they were Don Revie’s Leeds United. The 2011 team actually turned in some memorable performances. 

Their stubborn defensive effort against the Canadians was one of the highlights of the tournament. Desire Opranozie finally appears to have found her stride. She possesses the potential to lead a team of tyros to the Promised Land.

Perpetua Nkwocha is only six months removed from her 30^th Birthday. She may be tick slower than in days past, but she still can still provide priceless leadership on the pitch. Oparanzozie is only 21. Esther Sunday is only 23. Sarah Michael and Josephine Chukwononye are infantile! The conspicuously quiet leader must find a way to lead by example. History teaches us that she’ll figure it out.

Did you know that the Super Falcons/Delta Queens have won SEVEN African Continental Championships? Don’t bet against them lightly. Edwin Okun knows how to select a squad.

 Projecting the Nigerian Lineup (4-4-2) 

Perpetua Nkwocha  Desire Oparanozie

Esther Sunday        Ngozi Okobi

Asisat Ochola  Evelyn Nwabuoku

Ngozi Ebere                 Josephine Chukwonoye

Onome Ebi   Osinache Ohale

Precious Dede

 The Talisman—Perpetua Nkwocha 

She’s been selected as the female African Footballer of the year four times. She maintains a fantastic first-touch. That’s what led to her goal back in 2011. An interesting facet of Women’s football is how Women seen to age like fine wine. Thirty-nine isn’t too old for a woman. She can still run circles around her contemporaries. Watch Perpetua flirt with the perpetual.

 Who’s That Falcon? 

1) Onome Ebi looks good any which way you interpret it.

2) Josephine Chuckwunonye is very easy on the eyes.

3) The same can be said for Asiahat Oshoala

4) Desire Oparanozie isn’t getting kicked out of bed anytime soon

5) Courtney Dike happens to be Emmenike’s cousin! How cool is that? The 20-year-old now begins her studies at Oklahoma State University. Best of luck to her!

6) Iniabasi Umotong is another one of those young heartthrobs just settling down to study. She’ll need to find a better venue than Portsmouth, but props nonetheless.

7) Evelyn Nwabuoku is one of those “Nubian Queens”

9) Ngozi Ebere works it well too.

Vicey’s Fearless Group Prediction (2 to 1 Odds for bookie)

1) USA 

2) Sweden 

3) Australia 

4) Nigeria 

Overall Championship Odds

 USA (NO BETS)

 Sweden  (Straight Up)

 Australia (2 to 1)

 Nigeria (10 to 1)

Round of 16 Odds

 USA (NO BETS)

 Sweden (Straight Up)

 Australia (Straight Up)

 Nigeria (3 to 1)

Quarterfinal Odds

 USA (NO BETS)

 Sweden (Straight Up)

 Australia (Straight Up)

 Nigeria (4 to 1)

Semifinal Odds

 USA (Straight Up)

 Sweden (Straight Up)

 Australia (Straight Up)

 Nigeria (6 to 1)