Various definitions of the word “tradition” rely too heavily
upon synonyms such as “custom”, “belief”, or “practice”. Such words imply that
traditions constitute nothing more than mindless habits, honored by succeeding
generations for no reason other than instinctual intellectual lethargy.
Religious “traditions” come to mind. A certain date arrives. Time to recite a
two-thousand-year-old story and engage in a contemporary version of its
accompanying ritual. Happy Easter!
Your friendly Neighborhood Syndicate isn’t anywhere close to
attaining 2000-year-old status, even if we’ve shared over 2000 pages together.
Likewise, your 33-year-old- friendly-bookie tires of all the “Jesus-Age-Jokes”,
even if he was the one who shamelessly started them. ; )
Irrespective of all of this, a “tradition” very much worth
upholding goes by the name of “Syndicate Season”. It “traditionally” begins on
Memorial Day Weekend.
“Creative Catharsis among old friends”
“Snarky riffs and shameless pokes”
“Friends and football FOREVER!”
Welcome back, brothers. Let’s get this “soft-launch” started
so that we may expeditiously move on to the “silly season” of bets and barbs.
Anyone who has ever endeavored in an academic profession understands the need
for the “Football Holiday” that awaits us. Critics may call it “mindless”,
“frivolous”, or even “childish”.
Er…perhaps this actually is a religious tradition, but at
least your friendly bookie isn’t selling an invisible product or passing the
collection basket whilst signing off-key hymns
;)
For this year’s “re-release”, I’ve selected the cerebral
counterpart to the “Storia della Belleza” scripts that accompanied the Women’s
Football Tournaments. Sorry, brothers. I know you’d like to scroll through a
full two pages of Alex Morgan Bikini Photos, but let’s be fair and poke fun at
male vanity instead.
The “All Ugly Team’s” initial inception came courtesy of a
truth we all know to be self-evident: Male footballers are egotistical
vainglorious sleazsters desperate to prove themselves unique with ridiculous
hairstyles and egregious tattoos. Sitting at a desk at the UNI-KIT Library on
an early Summer’s Eve in 2012, your friendly bookie came to the realization
that it wasn’t just footballers who succumbed to this pathetic desire. Thus,
the “All Ugly Team” was launched:
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team
2012”
Yes, I’m secure enough in my sexuality
to comfortably assess whether or not I think another man is handsome. No, I do
not feel like ranking them as I do hot girls or Female football players. No fun
in that exercise. I would like to extend the offer to one of my three female
readers or perhaps one of the two flaming ones. If you feel like undertaking
such a task, your contribution will be valued at…let’s say a $15 betting
credit. Have fun and join the fun. It’s just another thing you can do to
distract yourself from your inescapable exit from this world of color and
consciousness to an eternity of dark nothingness. It’ll be a real mood
brightener.
On my end, I’ll take care of the guys
in desperate need of a man-to-man confrontation. I feel compelled to do so
after seeing the 342,873rd European metrosexual hipster in
skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting masterfully retarded gelled hair.
It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here. What the situationing-snooki-ing
fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers? Someone seriously needs to sit you
down and remind you that you possess a pair of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel
fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off with the women that were freaked out by
your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most of you won’t even have any hair after a
few years. Treat it better than this. I acknowledge that I too was once young,
vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at the gradual darkening of my once platinum
blonde hair, I had it highlighted a few times and even fully dyed once or
twice. Then one day I awoke to the realization that I was not, in fact, endowed
with a vaginal cavity. Time to man up, mates. Football players especially…
The following detailed commentary ensued:
From EM 2012—“Group B Preview”
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Holland
Arjen Robben
In a semi-intentional affront to my
original point, our first candidate has no hair. I’ve no desire to chastise him
for this, nor would I recommend the patented “Wayne Rooney Hair Plug System”.
Hair is not his problem. Robben deserves to be blacklisted for his inexplicable
miss from the spot in the Champion’s League Final. My night was ruined. There
we were ready to celebrate the first German Champion’s League Crown in eleven
years and he blew it! Of course Schweine missed as well, but he’s also on the
list.
Maarten Stekelenburg
Nice spikes, doofus. Always nice to
behold a dolt who combs for the “Red Sea” part:
Stijn Schaars
Congratulations, Herr Schaars! Through
excessive use of moose, you’ve successfully transformed yourself into a garden
gnome:
Kevin Strootman
Oh how thoughtful of him. He’s “waving”
at us. Presumably he was vain enough to give his pubes a matching style.
Khalid Boulahrouz
To be fair, I can’t exactly tell
whether he got his tips frosted or those are just grey hairs. You make the
call.
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Denmark
Daniel Agger
This look might be forgiven were it
unintentional. I find girls with frazzled bed hair attractive and I’ll call it
reasonable to assume that women find waking up next to man frayed hair
similarly sexy. It all comes down to the context. Seeing someone first thing in
the morning generally means you fucked one another’s eyeballs out the night
before (though you may not remember it). I have to book captain Agger for doing
this to his hair intentionally. Yellow Card. Flag on the play!
William Kvist
Going for the “Sonic the Hedgehog” look
is never a good idea. There can be only one “Hedgehog”. His name is Ron Jeremy.
Trust me. You don’t want to be compared to him.
Niklas Bendtner
Very well, “Bride of Frankenstein”.
Only a convertible should cause a man’s hair to stick straight up. Of course
that’s just my opinion. Doubtful he drove a Cabriole up and down the pitch.
Lasse Schöne
His last name, schöne, means “pretty
one” in German. No easy way of saying this, pretty boy: You’re an imbecilic moron.
Michael Silberbauer
As if attempting to mimic a porcupine
isn’t incredibly thickheaded enough—here’s a bleached-blond porcupine:
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Germany
Jerome Boateng
If we could spend a bit of time ensuring that you don’t
have a turd sitting on your head. By the way, I couldn’t locate a photo of his
current hairdo, which is far more obnoxious:
Sami Khedira
Sami doesn’t belong on this list. I simply had to find an
excuse to show you this photo:
From the “German GQ”. Viel Spaß! This picture got his
Tunisian citizenship revoked. Arab Spring my ass!
Bastian Schweinsteiger
Schweine is an ugly motherfucker to begin with. Do we
really need bleached-blond hair and a vat of super-glue to make him even
uglier?
Lukas Podolski
Poldi, why are you dying your hair? You’re not even
German!
Marco Reus
Yeah…sorry to break this to you, but I’m afraid punk is
dead after all.
Mario Gomez
You make 42 million Euros a year…..and you look like a
fucking baboon. Sorry you won’t be starting Super Mario. That highlighted
bouffant happens to be the least of the reasons. I know you’re half Spanish,
but you might as well be half Barry Manilow. 
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Portugal
Miguel Veloso
Our budding midfielder wins the award for, “Best use of
an ENTIRE bottle of hairspray”. Congratulations.
Raul Meireles
Cool, Taxi Driver. Maybe you don’t even belong on the
ugly list.
From EM 2012—“Group C Preview”
“All Ugly Team” Candidates--Italy
Thiago Motta
Having shaved two thirds of one’s head, why not simply
complete the job?
Federico Balzaretti
Dear Lord, it’s the second coming of Christ…..or a
Lebowski reference if you prefer. Nice highlights, dude.
Mario Balotelli
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Spain
Gerard Pique
Rugged, handsome, and a nice chin to boot. Gerard, why
are you spending so much time in front of the mirror? It must take twenty
minutes to perfect that hairstyle! No woman should ever have to admonish her
man for spending too much time in the bathroom! This should never happen! Of
course you’re Spanish and everything, but why be late to EVERYTHING because you
were dicking around with your hair?Sergio Ramos
Much like Sami Khedira, Sergio Ramos doesn’t belong on
this list. I simply had to find an excuse to show you this picture:
Sigh. Life’s good when you’re a footballer. I’ll never
get within thirty yards of that woman. I could cry now.
Jordi Alba
For the thousandth time, what the coagulated crusty fuck
possesses an otherwise decent looking dude to run gelatinized garbage through
his hair until he looks like a grown-up Alfalfa strung out after a week-long
cocaine binge? This pisses me off more than black women with an obvious weave.
STOP IT! You’re beautiful AS IS! Xavi Hernandez
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for impersonating Satan. One
of my hobbies in fact. I’m afraid our dear boy Xavi has just taken it a little
too far:Santi Carzola
Not be outdone, Santi combines the worst of both Fabregas
Looks. Why not go for a mullet AND spikes:Jesus Navas
.jpg)
Yes, I’m sure this picture adorns many a Spanish Chica’s
wall. Here’s the Sevilla midfielder trying out for the Iberian 90210.
Infinitely sadder, in my search for bad hair, I had to leave an electronic
cookie on a website entitled “A Disfutar Chicas”. Christ I don’t even want to
think about what’s going to be in my spam box tomorrow morning.Fernando Torres
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Ireland
No “fancy boys” here. These
Anglos are men’s men. You’ll love to watch them play. You’ll never see an
Irishmen dive or roll around feigning injury. They play with honor.
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Croatia
Mario Mandzukic
Okay. My hair does this naturally some days. Actually TRYING to pull off the Reptilian look is another matter.
Ivo Illicevic
Ivica Olic
For the love of all that is sacred, try NOT to look like
a child molester.As is often the case, this particular idea popped up well into the writing process. Your friendly bookie nevertheless did his utmost to be a worthy completionist:
CATCH UP WORK:
Vicey’s mind runs on a less predictable
alcoholic loop than one might expect. One or two ideas emerged during the
process of writing the qualifying sections that leave the four articles
asymmetrically designed. Apparently consistency and order are indispensable
virtues among syndicate members….or the whole lot of you are anal
completionists that have gutted way too many video games. In any event, you
want the full collection of swords? Need to make sure every level is unlocked?
All missions with the green check mark next to them? Every potion from every
treasure chest in every optional boss dungeon?
I’ll oblige.
All Ugly Team Candidates—Poland
Wojicech Szczesny
Never an excuse for walking around
looking like damn Hershey’s Kiss.Lukas Piszech
Think you look like Bowser. Actually
look like a fucking Goomba.
All Ugly Team Candidates—Greece
Ioannis Maniatis
How on earth does one spend so much
time fixing one’s hair in the mirror and not consider plucking the uni-brow a
bit?Kostas Fortounis
It’s the official beard of douchebags
everywhere!
Konstantinos Mitroglou
All Ugly Team Candidates—Russia
Pavel Pogrebnyak
All Ugly Team Candidates---Czech
Republic
Frantisek Rajtoral
I can definitely envision this guy
doing some sort of Marsha Brady comb job in the bathroom each morning.
997,988,999…and I’m FINALLY ready for my day.Petr Jiracek
Members of the syndicate, I give you
Max von Sydow from “The Greatest Story ever Told”:
One year later, it was time to get preachy. I may have died my hair blonde once upon a time, but there was to be no more vain attempts by your friendly bookie to deny his ageing process.
From CC 2013—“Syndicate: Judgment Play”
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2013”
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!
One of last year’s most beloved segments returns! How
could your friendly bookie refuse? Before this blog goes entirely too alpha-male
during the Women’s Championship, it’s time for some stern words amongst us
males. The Vicey from 2012 can elucidate what amounts to a “Fellowship of
Masculinity” far better than I can. Take it away brother:
Got That? WE ARE MEN! Men do not have “hair care needs”!
Men do not have “skin care needs” WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! Enough of this
metrosexual madness!! Whether you’re gay, straight, or bi-confused MAN UP!!
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Brazil
Neymar da Silva Santos Jr. (“Neymar”)
I don’t give a shit if nothing can stop you from maturing
into the greatest footballer of all time! Someone should stop you from spiking
up your hair like a goddamed Goomba. Break the godamned mirror in your dressing
quarters! To hell with the repairs!
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Japan
Eiji Kawashima
We get it already. You’re a keeper and nobody cares. That
doesn’t give you license to use that much pomenade just for a sliver of extra
attention:
Masahiko Inoha
Way to sport the lights, bro. I could have sworn you were
a brunette!
Keisuke Honda
On the topic of hair dying, is a blonde Jap really
fooling anyone?
His desire to go platinum aside, how about his tendency
to make the same face when preparing to take a free kick? Compare this image to
the first one. Any fan of the “Kids Comics” Page in the Sunday paper will
adroitly “spot the difference”. It’s not the same image! I swear. Can’t you
tell that he’s wearing a different number?
Hiroshi Kiyotake
Looks like hydrogen peroxide to me.
Takashi Inui
I loved “Takishi’s Castle” (named “Most Extreme
Elimination Challenge” in the States)! Sigh. Is it some sort of unwritten rule
that all Jap footballers must dye their hair in order to look different?
Sigh…again. At this point, everyone looks the same!Hiroki Sakai
I do believe he’s wearing “Takashi’s Castle” on his head.
I realize that we don’t have many women readers, but on what planet does a girl
say, “That multivarigated rat’s nest of crusty stalactites REALLY turns me on!!
Now the deal is sealed”?
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Mexico
Carlos Salcido
The hair-glare reflecting back at me from this picture
makes me want to flash my headlights in annoyance. How the donkey-tooth fuck
does this guy even manage to spend more than six seconds styling his hair in
the mirror? If I saw that face staring back at me, I’d run for the hills.
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Nigeria
Ideye Brown
Look,.I liked “Taxi Driver” as much as the next movie
loser movie buff, but damn this trend. I blame Beckham. He started this
nonsense.
“All Ugly Team Candidates”—Uruguay
Alvaro Pereira
Congratulations on perfectly emulating a Pentecostal
woman. Well done.
Luis Suarez
Becoming an unadulterated douche necessitates making
moves like this…and having hair like this.The “All Ugly Team” returns, as does your Syndicate.
Bis Bald,
S.S. PJW
(P.S....oh and by the way....here's your Alex Morgan Bikini Photo ; )
(P.S....oh and by the way....here's your Alex Morgan Bikini Photo ; )
