This bookie sped past “ready” weeks ago. Let’s do it.
All lines are calculated personally by your friendly bookie
Vicey…..the “not so easy” rider. The correspondence that follows is, as always,
crafted with sincere amity for those who appreciate sharp wit and an extra spot
of fun in their day. Should you prefer solemnity, drama, and conflict… kindly
return to your coupon clipping.
A QUICK REVIEW OF THE RULES:
Time to go over the model. READ CAREFULLY as we’re
technically reverting to an old system. I brought back the operating principles
that we used back in 2006 when composing lines for the African Cup of Nations.
The “Tie-Wash” system may make matters less interesting for your bookie, but it
lightens his workload ; ) Here’s
your example.
Nigeria vs. Italy
vs. 
The Line: Nigeria +3 goals
The Favorite, Nigeria, is favored to win by 3 goals. If
you bet on Italy, there are three ways you can win the bet:
1) Italy loses by less than 3 goals.
2) Match is a draw
3) Italy wins
Conversely, there is only one way to win if you bet on
Nigeria
1) Nigeria wins by more than 3 goals
Should Nigeria win by precisely 3 goals, THE BET IS A
WASH. THE BET IS A TIE. NO ONE OWES ANYONE ANYTHING
It’s imperative that this be understood. Prior to 2008, a
precise line counted as a tie. I changed the rules in 2008 to make matters a
little more interesting. Too many matches ended in betting draws and your
friendly bookie found himself getting bored. It did indeed spice things up, but
necessitated more thought, strategy, and (admittedly) conniving scheming.
Alles Klar? Let’s roll
Saturday
Brazil vs. Japan
vs. 
Nix your Saturday evening plans, gentlemen. Neymar takes the pitch with everything to prove. Scolari may yet have a few tricks up his sleeve. Will we witness him deploy a 4-3-3 or a will he throw the youngster in the water? Will Zaccheroni start Hasebe at Center Forward or have him flank Kagawa? So many questions…all of which prove inherently immaterial to anyone outside of tactical fetishists. ; ( ; (
Tune in for the “Eye Candy” if nothing else. YES we will
post “Hot Girl Standings” this year. Stop asking me!
THE
LINE: Brazil +2 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT: Brazil 3, Japan 0. What an unbelievable debut it
was for Neymar! It took all of three minutes for him to insert himself into the
proceedings and firmly establish himself as the new face of the Samba Kings.
Real Madrid Left Back Marcelo flung a semi-switch in Fred’s direction. The
29-striker simply let it bounce off his chest directly into Neymar’s path. The
wunderkind astutely judged the ball off one bounce before tricycling in a
brilliant first-time rocket from 22 yards out. I can recall thinking that there
wasn’t another active footballer, to my knowledge, that could have pulled off
something so brilliant.
Not much noteworthy thereafter as the match settled into
a fast-paced rhythm with little definitive. Samurai winger Hiroshi Kiyotake
tried his luck from distance as well, but couldn’t quite find the power to lift
it over the keeper. Other than that, we were spared any attacking action until
Paulinho doubled up three minutes after the restart.
Neymar ran the arc from left flank all the way to the
semi-circle after a short throw in. He then dished to Fred, who immediately
knocked back for Dani Alves on the right flank. Alves allowed five Brazilian
players to position themselves in the box before picking out Paulinho. The then
Corinthians midfielder took a stabilizing touch and fired home from just to the
left of the spot. The aforementioned Jo put the icing on the cake after Oscar
found him with a through ball in the 93rd. The disorganized Samurai
played one of the worst offensive matches I’ve ever seen.
Sunday
Mexico vs. Italy
vs. It will take time for Prandelli’s army of fragile egos to gel. Though they’ll likely go deep, but effective pitch communication with Balotelli first necessitates an awkward transitional period. How awkward, you ask? Just watch as the Wops routinely fail to synchronize their through balls. Pay attention, Philly Brethren, as I’m about to hit the button:
UPSET ALERT!
THE
LINE: Mexico +1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT: Italy 2, Mexico 1. Well…it took all of about 25
minutes for Prandelli’s Pets to implement to “Balotelli Strategy”. Ten minutes
after Andres Guardado generated the first chance with a hit off the crossbar,
Montolivo flicked on for Mr. “Why Always Me?”. Balotelli immediately drew three
defenders. Francisco Rodriguez tripped him up Gerrado Flores hit him with a
late slide tackle from behind, and Gerrard Torrado gave him a shot in the back
to complete the historic “triple foul”. This was no flop by a Wop. A player of
his caliber simply strikes fear into the hearts of opposing players with the
attainment of a simple touch.
None of the participants in the vicious play were booked,
but Pirlo made it count with a sumptuous bending free kick from 30 yards out.
It exhibited a highly technical curve past the wall and landed neatly in the
top lefthand corner of the net.
El Tri equalized seven minutes later when Andreas
Barzagli fluffed a back pass and Giovani dos Santos pounced on the defensive
error. Barzagli scrambled to recover from his howler, chasing dos Santos into
the box before eventually catching him on the right claf. Dos Santos went to
ground rather easily, but the foul couldn’t be disputed. Javier Hernandez aced
the spot kick with a confident ground bullet into the bottom right corner and
we were level.
Giacherreni and Balotelli gradually came into sync as the
second half wore on. The put the Azzuri back ahead with some clever creativity
in the 78th. Giacherreni flicked on for Balotelli, who muscled past
the Mexican captain and executed an exquisite sliding finish.
Spain vs. Uruguay
vs. 
David Villa posseses, for lack of better expressive ingenuity, “enough pent up energy to fuck a trailer park meth head to death. Or so I’m prepared to wager….
THE
LINE: Spain + 3 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT: Spain 2, Uruguay 1. The beginning of the end? Del
Bosque’s boys ended up costing me a slice of dough in this one. Things kicked
off promisingly enough for a hitherto unseen 4-3-3 that featured Fabregas,
Soldado, and Pedro as the lead strikers. Jordi Alba found Fabregas open in the
slot in the opening minutes, but the Barça man could only rattle the left post.
Pedro got us rolling in the 20th with a laser
from distance. Sky Blue captain Diego Lugano halfheartedly cleared a Busquets
corner, only for the ball to fall at Pedro’s feet. Senor Rodriguez then rifled
a first-time effort that Lugano once again got a tepid boot to. In this
instance his wayward foot deflected the shot in the opposite direction of the
diving keeper. La Roja doubled their advantage ten minutes thereafter. The
ever-innovative Iniesta slooted through for Pedro on the right flank. P.R.
patiently drew two defenders to the his position before dishing back to
Fabregas in the center. Fabregas dribbled the ball for a full six seconds,
enabling Pedro, Xavi, and Soldado to split the defensive. At the end of his
impressive run of possession he picked out Soldado after feigning a shot
himself. One touch was all the Spurs striker needed to drive an effort over the
overcommitted keeper.
“El Tiki-Taka” ensured that the defending World Champs
enjoyed the Lion’s share of possession for the duration of the half and the
initial 25 minutes after the break. Why didn’t they score again? To be fair
they came agonizingly close on more than one occasion. Pedro, Soldado, Iniesta
combined for a cycle to the right of the area in the 54th. After all
the fancy footwork, however, Iniesta sent the ball three meters wide with a
poorly-thought-out drive. Pedro whipped in a cross shortly after the hour mark
that Soldado came within centimeters of connecting with. Santi Carzola
attempted to connect with him to shortly after he as introduced in the 65th,
but the pair once again couldn’t link up.
Having taken Fabregas off in the 65th, del
Bosque then quickly utilized his other two substitutions. Xavi made way for
Javi Martinez in the 77th. Pedro took a bow and gave way to Juan
Mata in the 81st. Such moves confirmed that any attempts to pad the
score had been relinquished, much to the chagrin of your friendly bookie ; (
Luis Suarez pulled one back in the 88th after getting clipped by
Sergio Ramos. His curling free kick was every bit as magnificent as Pirlo’s
earlier in the day. The fact that he buried from ten yards further out made it
still more remarkable.
Monday
Nigeria vs. Tahiti
vs. 
One shouldn’t expect a rout. In accordance with knowledge accrued researching the Priner Section, Keshi will play this one cautiously.
THE
LINE: Nigeria +2 Goals
And
here it comes…..
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT: Nigeria 6, Tahiti 1. Keshi played it cautiously
enough, but what the Oudamadi-ing fuck was I thinking setting such a low
line?!? Not only did work force me to miss this gem, I also returned home to
discover that myself as deep as I had ever been in the red since 2004. The day
belonged to the previously unheard of Nnamdi Ouduamadi, a talented youngster
scooped up early by the A.C. Milan Youth Academy. Selecting a “man of the
match” ceases to be controversial when one of them scores a Hat Trick. The “up
and comer” first caught Keshi’s eye when Milan plucked him out of their reserve
squad and began loaning him out to other Italian clubs. With a chance to
finally start with the bigger clubs, Ouduamadi sparkled for Torino and Varese.
His inclusion in the Confed Cup 23 was widely viewed as a test; one he
unequivocally aced. Keshi has nominated him for Brazil and his prospects appear
bright.
In other news on this day, Tahiti’s Jonathan Tehau scored
the country’s historic first goal in inter-continental competition. Hooray!
Fifteen minutes later he turned the ball into his own net, technically scoring
his country’s historic second goal in inter-continental competition.
Tehau wasn’t the only “Iron Warrior” to register an own
goal. Team captain Nicolas Vallar achieved every footballers nightmare already
in the 5th minute. The poor lad found himself at the end of some inauspicious
pinball. First he rose to head away Ahmed Musa’s searching cross. His emphatic
clearance tragically ricocheted of the match official to land directly in the
path of Echielije, who in turn let fly with a distance effort. The “Perfct
Storm of Shit” continued. Echielije’s drive first took a deflection off of the
flailing Ricky Aitamia, then bounced off the defending Tehau to hit Vallar
square in the chest. Vallar thus inadvertently directed a nicely-controlled
chester right past his unsuspectingly keeper. Por bastard. It truly was a freak
occurrence.
No room for empathy five minutes later when Vallar called
for the ball at the back and couldn’t collect. Winger Marama Vahirua attempted
to shuffle back to him, but Ahmed Musa had other ideas. He capitalized on the
poor decision, running to intercept and eventually feed Ouduamadi for his first
goal. Ouduamadi had his brace fifteen minutes after that when Musa’s cross from
the left flank proved too hot for Tahitian keeper Xavier Samin to handle. His
rather embarrassing inability to hold a slow bouncing ball was gratefully
accepted by Oudamadi, who needed only to nudge in the loose refuse.
The “Iron Warriors” looked to salvage some pride nine
minutes after the restart when Tehau won the aerial battle against Efe Ambrose
at the far post. Tehau leaped above Ambrose to glance in a handsome corner kick
from Vahirua. A quarter of an hour later, the tiny Polynesian island’s hero
became the goat when he kicked a contested centering pass into the net whist
attempting to fend off Ideye Brown. Ouduamadi obtained his Hat Trick in the 76th.
Musa had set up the previous two goals, but this time it was Brown feeding him
with a square cross from the right flank. Echiejile added the sixth in the 80th,
latching on to an unattended ball in the box that none of the exhausted five
Tahitian defenders seemed even remotely interested in challenging for.
