Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Summer arrived. So to, accompanied by all the conventional fanfare, did the Syndicate. The Confederations Cup constitutes little but a “dry-run” for the subsequent summer’s festivities, but that didn’t deter your friendly bookie from hyping the tournament up through all the usual avenues. All of our relevant (to use the term loosely) traditions were maintained. Together we all counted down the days until kickoff, via private e-mail communications and social media. An “official beer sponsor” was selected. Emerging customs were carried out as if they had always been sacrosanct. I added retroactive notes to the previous summer’s festivities, spent an inordinate amount of time on e-bay/in line at the post office to ensure that everyone got their “Schwag Pack”, and ‘activated’ all past/present/future members with an ostentatious “State of the Syndicate Address.”
Even someone so orotund as your friendly bookie felt
slightly silly labeling a twelve-team tournament an “event”. Hence, he heralded
the advent of “CC 2013” with a rather subdued:
“It’s
Summer once again. That means we need to have a Syndicate. No quixotic dreams
of riches or grandeur here. We must have a Syndicate!”
In
order to compensate for the brevity of the Confederations Cup, the syndicate
also covered the “UEFA 2013 Women’s European Football Championship”; a sort of
“Acts of the Apostles” to follow “The Gospel of Luke” if you will. ; ) Both
tournaments engendered far more interest than I anticipated and I consider them
both “successes” in that we successfully found an excuse to get together and
goof off a bit. Both tournaments also treated us to some thoroughly
entertaining football, from both a gambling and fan perspective.
With
little at stake in this “tune up fight”, the eight Continental Champions of the
Confederations Cup delivered high-risk free-flowing football. The joy of
reconnecting with long-lost friends doesn’t necessarily need to be further
augmented by amazing football…or so I told myself when initially sitting down
to write up these lines. Nevertheless, the world-class internationals competing
here saw fit to supply us with this lagniappe anyway. The fact that it was
merely a small taste of things to come (ideally) was of little consequence. It
tasted damn good. Let us re-live……
Time to delve into the participants. “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew” DIDN’T make one bit of this possible. Thank God….
Group A (Brazil, Japan, Mexico, Italy)
Brazil (Winning Odds—Straight Up)
The Samba Kings enter the competition two-time defending Confederations Cup Champions. Even casual American fans will surely recall their dramatic comeback victory over the Yanks in the 2009 Final. After Dempsey and Donovan propelled Uncle Sam to an early 2-0 lead, a Luis Fabiano evened matters up with a hard-fought brace before Lucio put the overrated Tim Howard back in his place. Sorry, Yanks. It a’int your time just yet. Take solace in your flying killer robots.
Neither Fabiano nor Lucio will return for this go-around.
Brasilia produced such a surfeit of talented football players that the national
team finds itself in a constant state of flux. It takes impeccable form to
squeeze one’s way through the crowded bottleneck and onto this squad.
Undeniably the most powerful football force on the planet, “Bolsa Familia”, are
dangerously overdue for a period of prolonged dominance. Having not placed in
the Grand Competition since capturing the title in 2002, should be considered
the favorites to own both this Summer’s dress rehearsal and next Summer’s
Classic. Barring some improbable stumble, the next fourteen months should
herald Brasilia’s return to international dominance. Who can possibly hope to
stop them?
Fortunes touched the nadir after a series of disappointing
losses last Autumn. The Confederacao opted to decisively intervene in order to
effectively put a halt to this era of mediocrity. Bringing back the magic began
with bringing back “Big Phil”. An obvious choice. What the hell was the
legendary Luiz Felipe Scolari doing on the sinking ship of Palmeires anyway?
It’s been a long road back for the “Big Dog”. Since being fired by the
whimsical Roman Abrammovich in early 2009, the man who once coached Brazil to a
World Championship and Portugal to three consecutive semi-finals had to go to
Uzbekistan to work things out for a while. We witness the birth of a new
idiomatic expression. Is there any better way of conveying frustration with
one’s congenital failures while simultaneously expressing the desire to be left
alone by everyone associated with the world?
“Err…if anyone needs me, I’ll be in Uzbekistan working
things out for a while ; ( ;( Don’t bother asking for a forwarding address ; (
; ( “
The next two tournaments should undoubtedly constitute the
last hurrah for the 64-year-old hero and his storied career. He’s prepared to
go out with a bang, boldly selecting a young squad of untested youngsters to
audition for next year’s 23. Of course, it’s common practice for trainers to
leave off veterans from their Confed Cup rosters so as to give promising
prospects a long, hard look. There’s every reason to believe that we’ll see
Kaka, Ramires, and Luis Fabiano when the real prize is at stake. For now,
they’ve been left off in favor of under-capped youngsters Fernando, Bernard,
and Jo.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Of this trip, Jo was by far the most impressive. He
netted three goals and earned a place on Scolari’s final roster. We heard
little from Bernard, but he’ll be joining us as well With respect to the
veterans, Kaka and Luis Fabiano will stay home. Only Ramires earned a call up.
The “Big Dog” assembled a young squad strewn with question marks, but it
remains next to impossible to believe that they won’t find all the answers.
PSG defender Thiago Silva inherits a captain’s armband that
has bounced around a bit since Lucio retired in 2011. Joining him at the back
are the indomitable David Luiz of Chelsea and Dani Alves. Both backs enjoyed
stellar seasons for their respective clubs. In the twilight of his career,
29-nine-year-old Bayern fullback Dante has also muscled his way into Scolari's line-of-sight. The veteran earned his
first call up after finally coming into full form alongside Jerome Boateng,
Daniel van Buyten, and Phillp Lahm.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Thiago Silva will sit out PSG’s remaining matches so as
to rest up fully for the cup. Dante will also benefit from some extra rest
after Bayern crashed out of the Champions Leaugue. Surprisingly enough, Dani
Alves didn’t make the cut after another stellar season at the Camp Nu.
Sometimes there just isn’t enough space…
The midfield is anchored by Brazil’s next big thing, Chelsea Wunderkind Oscar. At the tender age of 21, the one-time Inter Milan phenom has already been capped 17 times and scored 6 goals. Dubbed “the next Kaka”, this kid looks to be a mainstay on this team throughout the next decade. Other red-hot midfield captains that have accrued extensive international experience that belies their age include Lucas Moura of PSG and Paulinho of Corinthians. Bayern’s Luiz Gustavo, another Bundesliga veteran, has earned a late- career call-up.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Oscar continues to dazzle. Paulinho finds himself back in
the Premiership, lighting it up at White Hart Lane. Scolari needn’t even talk
the slightest bit of strategy with his lethal midfield. A few motivational
words will suffice. They know precisely what to do. It shall much behoove him
to leave them alone.
As deep as the Samba Kings appear down the middle of the
pitch and up the flanks, a cause for concern remains the lack of an explosive
striker. Not to suggest that Barça’s blockbuster new signing, Neymar won’t
eventually mature into the world’s best footballer. He’s already struck TWENTY
times for the national squad, albeit against rather soft opposition. It’s
simply too early to christen him Messi’s inheritor. First we have to see how he
performs in a Top Tier European League. It’ll also be interesting to see if
more expert international tacklers can match his improvisational style. Neymar
is flanked by slowing-and-declining forwards Fred and Hulk in a 4-3-3 with
plenty of kinks to be worked out up front.
Neymar’s development proceeds nicely. He’s
tallied fifteen times in 40 appearences for the Azulgrana. With four goals in
his first Champions League Season, he should be producing C. Ronaldo level
statistics within another year or two
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Projecting the Brazilian Lineup (4-3-3)
Fred Neymar Hulk
|
L. Moura Paulinho
|
Oscar
|
T. Silva D.
Luiz Marcelo D. Alves
|
Cesar
|
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2013”
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!
One of last year’s most beloved segments returns! How could
your friendly bookie refuse? Before this blog goes entirely too alpha-male
during the Women’s Championship, it’s time for some stern words amongst us
males. The Vicey from 2012 can elucidate what amounts to a “Fellowship of
Masculinity” far better than I can. Take it away brother:
“Yes,
I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess whether or not I think
another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking them as I do hot girls
or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I would like to extend the
offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one of the two flaming ones.
If you feel like undertaking such a task, your contribution will be valued
at…let’s say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and join the fun. It’s just another
thing you can do to distract yourself from your inescapable exit from this
world of color and consciousness to an eternity of dark nothingness. It’ll be a
real mood brightener.
On my
end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a man-to-man
confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair
of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off
with the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most
of you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…”
Got That? WE ARE MEN! Men do not have “hair care needs”! Men
do not have “skin care needs” WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! Enough of this
metrosexual madness!! Whether you’re gay, straight, or bi-confused MAN UP!!
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Brazil
Neymar da Silva Santos Jr. (“Neymar”)
I don’t give a shit if nothing can stop you from maturing
into the greatest footballer of all time! Someone should stop you from spiking
up your hair like a goddamed Goomba. Break the godamned mirror in your dressing
quarters! To hell with the repairs!
Rever Humberto Alves Araujo (“Reves”)
As a proud “uncut” man, I maintain a certain amount of pride
in the state of my endowment. However, I see no reason to style my hair to
reflect as such. It’s a bad idea to leave the house looking like an
uncircumcised penis.
Luiz Gustavo Dias (“Luis Gustavo”)
What is this? Why does every man suddenly feel the need to
act as if they’ve enlisted in the German Imperial Infantry?
Japan (Winning Odds—Straight Up)
Under the tutelage of a benevolent Wop, The Blue Samurai have staged a more improbable comeback than Shinzo Abe. (Yes, beloved syndicate members, it’s THAT time). Regular readers may wince at my persistent inability to discuss the Japanese team without working in some reference to the current Japanese Prime Minister. I cordially remind your that this obligatory reference would not prove necessary, if this fucking country could straighten out its leadership situation! Our meditative chant continues to grow:
Abe, Fukoda, Aso, Hatoyama, Kan, Noda….Abe.
Abe, Fukoda, Aso, Hatoyama, Kan, Noda….Abe.
Abe, Fukoda, Aso, Hatoyama, Kan, Noda….Abe.
Hoooohhm. This year we might as well add a mnemonic:
Assess Fate As Hefty Karma Never…Aspire.
Wow. That was darkly deep. Hooohhm.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
One year on, I think I’ll go with:
Apprise Failed Acts Heuristically, Kid.
Narcissistic…Asshole.
Still darkly deep.
Hoooohm.
The latest incarnation of the Samurai features more German
actors than a low-budget porn flick. Team captain Makoto Hasebe has been
lighting it up for VfL Wolfsburg for years. Lead striker Shinji Okazaki turns
in goals….not nearly often enough…for Baden giants VfB Stuttgart. Newcomers
from the German ranks include Gotoku Sakei (also of Stuttgart) Takashi Inui of
Eintracht Frankfurt, Hiroki Sakai of Hannover 96, and Hiroshi Kiyotake of F.C.
Nürnberg.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Interestingly enough, the two top-tier Bundesliga players
both switched clubs and took totally divergent paths. Wolfsburg dropped Hasebe.
He tanked and likely lost his captain’s armband for good. HE has battled
injuries whilst playing for sure-to-be relegated German club 1 FC. Nürnberg. He
hasn’t played for Zaccheroni’s national squad since November. Conversely,
Okazaki switched addresses and finally began to realize his latent potential.
He moved to FSV Mainz, where he proceeded to break out with a monster 14-goal
season. He’ll surely get more lucrative contract offers this summer
Innui, Sakai, and Kioytake all find themselves in
mediocre form, unlikely to be selected.
The Bundesliga presently evolves into a fine audition
platform for many Japanese internationals. Players will keep pouring in hoping
to emulate the success story of Shinji Kagawa. The former Dortmund superstriker
secured a lucrative deal with Manchester United last summer and spent the
entire season in top form. Kagawa spearheads an intriguing Japanese attack
directed by midfield general Hajime Hosogai (another Bundesliga contractor no
less). Hosogai receives assistance from ever mobile veterans Kengo Nakamura,
Yasuhito Endo, and Keisuke Honda. Atsuto Uchida anchors the defensive corps.
Last Kraut-centric reference, I promise: He plays for Schalke.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Hosogai is another one presently stuck in a poor run of
form. He remains likely to be selected, however, as Zaccheroni faces a shortage
of other options. Honda and Uchida have struggled with injury, but are also
probable call-ups. Endo and Nakamura are officially retired.
Perhaps the most notable absence is that of the Brazilian
born playmaker Tanaka. The electric center back suffered a debilitating injury
that, coupled with his advancing years, virtually ensures the end of his
international career. Takayuki Morimoto has been left off after experiencing a
nose-dive in form. Ditto Yuko Nagatomo and Yasuyuki Konno. Daisuke Matsui and
Junichi Inamoto are likely retired for good.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Tanaka is currently attempting a comeback with third-tier
German Bundesliga Club FFC Frankfurt. We…er…wish him all the best with that.
The new-look Japs appear poised to turn a few heads. This
oddsmaker will be watching closely to see how well Alberto Zaccheroni’s bizarre
3-4-3 works.
Projecting the Japanese Lineup (3-4-3)
Okazaki Kagawa Hasebe
|
Endo Honda
|
Nakamura Kiyotake
|
Konno Uchida
I.Nagatomo
|
Kawashima
|
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2013”
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!
One of last year’s most beloved segments returns! How could
your friendly bookie refuse? Before this blog goes entirely too alpha-male
during the Women’s Championship, it’s time for some stern words amongst us
males. The Vicey from 2012 can elucidate what amounts to a “Fellowship of
Masculinity” far better than I can. Take it away brother:
“Yes,
I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess whether or not I think
another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking them as I do hot girls
or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I would like to extend the
offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one of the two flaming ones.
If you feel like undertaking such a task, your contribution will be valued
at…let’s say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and join the fun. It’s just another
thing you can do to distract yourself from your inescapable exit from this
world of color and consciousness to an eternity of dark nothingness. It’ll be a
real mood brightener.
On my
end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a man-to-man
confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair
of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off
with the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most
of you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…”
Got That? WE ARE MEN! Men do not have “hair care needs”! Men
do not have “skin care needs” WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! Enough of this
metrosexual madness!! Whether you’re gay, straight, or bi-confused MAN UP!!
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Japan
Eiji Kawashima
We get it already. You’re a keeper and nobody cares. That
doesn’t give you license to use that much pomenade just for a sliver of extra
attention:
Masahiko Inoha
Way to sport the lights, bro. I could have sworn you were a
brunette!
Keisuke Honda
On the topic of hair dying, is a blonde Jap really fooling
anyone?
His desire to go platinum aside, how about his tendency to
make the same face when preparing to take a free kick? Compare this image to
the first one. Any fan of the “Kids Comics” Page in the Sunday paper will
adroitly “spot the difference”. It’s not the same image! I swear. Can’t you
tell that he’s wearing a different number?
Hiroshi Kiyotake
Looks like hydrogen peroxide to me.
Yuzo Kurihara
In his defense, he had to do something with than smile.
Absent a unique hair-do, he looks like he’ll politely ask you to take off your
shoes before serving you Sake.
Takashi Inui
I loved “Takishi’s Castle” (named “Most Extreme Elimination
Challenge” in the States)! Sigh. Is it some sort of unwritten rule that all Jap
footballers must dye their hair in order to look different? Sigh…again. At this
point, everyone looks the same!
Hiroki Sakai
I do believe he’s wearing “Takashi’s Castle” on his head. I
realize that we don’t have many women readers, but on what planet does a girl
say, “That multivarigated rat’s nest of crusty stalactites REALLY turns me on!!
Now the deal is sealed”?
Mexico (Winning Odds 4-1)
Hola North American Continental Champions! Hehehehe. Sorry to rub salt in those fresh wounds, Americans. The fact remains, you’re still not the top team in this region of the world! El Tricolor grace us with their presence…just in time to get pummeled in this tournament’s designated “Group of Death”. As an aside, ascertaining which Group shall be classified as the “Group of Death” and which the “Group of Life” turns out to be remarkably easy in a tournament that only features two groups ; )
The Spicks enter proceedings with a decidedly weaker squad
than the one we beheld back in 2010. After a brief sojourn in Germany,
Francisco Rodriguez has been shipped back to Baja, where he’s struggled with
injury and declining form. Rafael Marquez went ahead and checked himself into
the retirement community known as MLS. When it became apparent that he wasn’t
even good enough to play for the woeful New York Red Bulls anymore, he moved
south of the border to earn a little extra cash for his kids’ college
tuition/rehab. Andres Guardado has
been a bit of a flop at Valencia and Gerardo Torrado is…look…the man is
34-years-old. He can provide spiritual guidance, but not much more legwork.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
As this team continues to frantically grapple with its
identity, one notes that captain Francisco (Javier) Rodriguez had another
underachieving year at Blub America, Rafael Marquez appears on his last legs at
Club Leon, and Andres Guardardo now struggles to establish himself at Bayer
Leverkusen. Yikes.
There remain plenty of bright spots. Javier Hernandez
supplied ManU with another great season. Giovanni dos Santos kept his
productivity up, scoring six goals for Mallorca this season. On the defensive
side of the pitch, Hector Moreno once again leads all La Liga players in
minutes logged. You could break BOTH of the man’s legs and he’ll still lace up.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Of course….one cannot discount El Tri when considering
this trio. All three have turned in solid seasons for their respective clubs.
It’s been a wholly uninspiring year for La Verde. They may
have captured Olympic Gold…but we all know that doesn’t really count. Thus far
in 2013 they’ve played nine matches, drawing eight of them. Hernandez appears
the only player capable of producing any offensive menace. He’s scored four of
the country’s six goals. In five of the nine fixtures, all the Mexicans could
manager were goalless draws. Ugh.
Head coach Jose Manuel de la Torre better figure something
out lightning fast. If he can’t breathe life into this lethargic band of
underachievers, we might not even see them next Summer.
Projecting the Mexican Lineup (4-4-2)
J. Hernandez Giovanni dos
Santos
|
A.Reyna Pablo A. G
|
Gerardo Torrado
|
Salcido Marquez F. R. Moreno
|
Guillermo Ochoa
|
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2013”
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!
One of last year’s most beloved segments returns! How could
your friendly bookie refuse? Before this blog goes entirely too alpha-male
during the Women’s Championship, it’s time for some stern words amongst us
males. The Vicey from 2012 can elucidate what amounts to a “Fellowship of
Masculinity” far better than I can. Take it away brother:
“Yes,
I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess whether or not I think
another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking them as I do hot girls
or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I would like to extend the
offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one of the two flaming ones.
If you feel like undertaking such a task, your contribution will be valued at…let’s
say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and join the fun. It’s just another thing
you can do to distract yourself from your inescapable exit from this world of
color and consciousness to an eternity of dark nothingness. It’ll be a real
mood brightener.
On my
end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a man-to-man
confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair
of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off
with the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most
of you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…”
Got That? WE ARE MEN! Men do not have “hair care needs”! Men
do not have “skin care needs” WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! Enough of this
metrosexual madness!! Whether you’re gay, straight, or bi-confused MAN UP!!
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Mexico
Carlos Salcido
The hair-glare reflecting back at me from this picture makes
me want to flash my headlights in annoyance. How the donkey-tooth fuck does
this guy even manage to spend more than six seconds styling his hair in the
mirror? If I saw that face staring back at me, I’d run for the hills.
Jesus Eduardo Zavala
It’s “the style” you say. Parachute pants were once “the
style” too. No!
Hiram Meier
The key to achieving such a hairstyle: Forget about parting.
Treat the middle of your head as if if you’re wiping your ass.
Italy (Winning Odds 3-1)
Greetings Wop Enthusiasts! So nice to see you again. I typically promote the coming tournament with the following propagandized proclamation:
“Hey, it may just be a Dry Run, but the Confederations Cup
brings together SEVEN World-Class Nations….and the Wops are coming along too.”
In all seriousness, I’m glad you daubed dullards are here.
No Summer would be complete without the opportunity to remind you what
worthless bags of fetid rat shit you are. As the seasons shift, I always
eagerly anticipate ruthlessly satirizing the world’s most vile ethnicity. You
possess no redeeming qualities whatsoever. You’re dumb, you’re ugly, and I had
sex with your mother last night.
Dastardly Dagos. Every last one of you guys has your heads so far up
your ass, you can probably taste the salty aroma emanating from the shriveled
balls that dangle from your pathetic one-inch penis!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Bah-ha! That one’s definitely getting etched on the
tombstone!
Okay…we got that part out of the way. Let’s talk about your
team. Having had over eleven months to digest the demoralizing German Euro 2012
defeat, I’m serious about getting my money back. I predict nothing short of
epic failure for Prandelli’s Pets. You may undeservedly gotten love worthy of
Barry White proportions last summer, but from this point forward you’re only
entitled to receive love of the shrill Taylor Dayne variety. (No, I don’t care
if absolutely NO ONE got that reference).
Buffon may have had another stellar year for Juventus this
season, but age works against him. The “Oliver Kahn Threshold” lurks. He’ll be spectacularly
shitty soon enough. Balotelli and Berlusconi deserve one another. Both are narcissistic
numbskulls who will eventually get what’s coming to them. Montolivo, Pirlo, and
Diamanti are all past their prime. Awww…poor Daniele De Rossi. I seem to recall
that your Golden Boy had a little trouble finding the back of the net this
year. How many goals were there? I do believe the answer is ZERO! If memory
serves, Maggio, Barzagli, and Bonnucci appear to be down a tick as well. Oops.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Montolivo and Pirlo appear to have plenty of life left in
them yet. Diamanti and De Rossi are likely finished. Maggio and Barzagli cannot
be said to have adequately recovered, but Bonnucci’s half season has him back
in the saddle. Not overtly addressed in the original text, but worth a mention
here: Mario Balotelli’s on and off the pitch maturation continues apace. The
guy’s a stud. He’ll be remembered as one of the greatest Azzuris of all time.
He turned in eighteen goals in 39 appearances for AC Milan this season. He’ll
supply us with some truly memorable moments in this summer’s WM.
Dammit. I can’t seem to sit still or keep a thought in my
head! Every last attempt to compose something measured about your crew
degenerates into blunt abuse within a few keystrokes. So it goes sometimes.
Alright. I’ll level with you: Yet again you’ve got a star-studded team that
exhibits frightening potential. Still, one never knows with Italy. Either you
sparkle or you flop like only Wops can. Always two extremes with you
mercurially dramatic douches. We’ll find out which side of the pole you
bi-polar bastards choose in due course…..
Projecting the Italian Lineup (4-1-3-2)
Gilhardino Balotelli
|
De
Rossi Montolivo Marchisio
|
Pirlo
|
Chielleni
Bonnucci Barzagli Abate
|
Buffon
|
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2013”
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!
One of last year’s most beloved segments returns! How could
your friendly bookie refuse? Before this blog goes entirely too alpha-male
during the Women’s Championship, it’s time for some stern words amongst us
males. The Vicey from 2012 can elucidate what amounts to a “Fellowship of
Masculinity” far better than I can. Take it away brother:
“Yes,
I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess whether or not I think
another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking them as I do hot girls
or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I would like to extend the
offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one of the two flaming ones.
If you feel like undertaking such a task, your contribution will be valued
at…let’s say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and join the fun. It’s just another
thing you can do to distract yourself from your inescapable exit from this
world of color and consciousness to an eternity of dark nothingness. It’ll be a
real mood brightener.
On my
end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a man-to-man
confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair
of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off
with the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most
of you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…”
Got That? WE ARE MEN! Men do not have “hair care needs”! Men
do not have “skin care needs” WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! Enough of this
metrosexual madness!! Whether you’re gay, straight, or bi-confused MAN UP!!
“All
Ugly Team” Candidates—Italy
Sorry,
but you’ve yet more italics to sift through. Seeing as how this is a EUROPEAN
team, we’ve already done this:
Vicey
Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2012”
BACK
BY POPULAR DEMAND
“All
Ugly Team” Candidates--Italy
Thiago
Motta
Having
shaved two thirds of one’s head, why not simply complete the job?
Federico
Balzaretti
Dear
Lord, it’s the second coming of Christ…..or a Lebowski reference if you prefer.
Nice highlights, dude.
Ignazio
Abate
Almost
harvest time for that turnip
Mario Balotelli
Now
he’s rocking the Died Mohawk, but it’s not his first desperate plea for
attention. Last year he invited us all to help the mouse find it’s cheese.
Surely he got this idea from the kid’s placement over at Denny’s.
Antonio
Cassano
The
hairstyle is of course atrocious, but even it’s overshadowed by that swimsuit.
For fuck’s sake man, take that banana out of your speedo!
Emmanuelle
Giacherreni
Whenever
I hear the name Emmanuelle, I automatically gear up to glean some tips on
sensual love over on “Skinemax After Dark”. As of today, I now have to think of
this guy and his mad attempt to lacerate his head as well.
Alessandro
Diamanti
Oh
Alessandro. I’ve heard of dreadlocks, but SHIT-Locks!
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (2 to 1 odds for bookie):
1)
Brazil
2) Japan
3) Italy
4)
Mexico
Group B (Nigeria, Spain, Uruguay, Tahiti)
Nigeria (Winning Odds—3 to 1)
The moment has finally arrived. Ever since we closed the book on this Winter’s historic chapter, “Syndicate: Dark Continent”, I’ve been salivating over the chance to welcome the Super Eagles back to the Confederations Cup for the first time since 1995! It’s an incredibly exciting time for Nigerian Football. No more torpor! Keshi and the lads make the scene with their winning sheen hardly dulled.
So many players deserve props for the awesome run at the
Continental Title. Mba, Emenike, Echilije, Ambrose, Onazi, and Mikel. Though
his contribution relied exclusively on some simple execution, Victor Moses
proved useful as well. Given that so much was written about the Super Eagles a
short four months ago, it’s most pertinent to focus on the changes this squad
has undergone in the last 16 weeks. This also affords the meticulous reader a
peek into how fluid these teams actually are. Believe it or not, EIGHT players
from the 2013 Africa Cup of Nations Championship Crew won’t be traveling to
Brazil. Here’s the lowdown on your new-look Super Eagles:
Captain Joseph Yobo will sit this one out. With 2014
Qualification looking all but guaranteed, Keshi wants to test some fresh blood
straight out of the academies. Two defenders from the Nigerian domestic league
will thus make their debut on the international stage. Francis Benjamin plays
for the Southern, Owerri-based club Heartland FC. The twenty-year-old hasn’t
been capped internationally yet, meaning that his heart won’t cease racing from
the moment he sets foot on the pitch. Soloman Kwambe is another greenhorn who
plays for Sunshine Stars, a club based a few hundred miles due West of FC
Heartland. The 19-year-old was called up twice prior to the African Cup of
Nations. Evidently, Keshi saw enough to merit some closer inspection.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Yobo made Keshi’s 30-man provisional squad in spite of a
broken year spent between Fenerbahce and Norwich City. We never saw wither
Francis Benjamin or Soloman Kwambe in action, but the latter recently secured
an MLS contract, meaning we might hear from him yet.
Other defenders that didn’t make the cut include Juwan Oshaniwa,
dropped after playing no role in the 2013 triumph, and Ejike Uzoenyi, whom
Rennes convinced to attend an early training camp. Keshi and midfielder Nosa
Igiebor came to a similar understanding. Igiebor will remain in Spain to focus
on his career with Real Betis. Emeka Eze will take his place. Eke earns his
paycheck in the coal rich city of Enugu. This could be his big break.
Midfielder Nwankwo Obiorah is another one who won’t be boarding the plane.
Italian Club Parma can’t seem to decide which Romanian Club they wish to loan
him out to. They’ll sort that out while Michel Babatunde, a former Heartland FC
player recruited to play in the Ukraine, gets a chance to impress.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Uzoenyi failed to impress in Rennes, but earned a test
call-up from Keshi anyway. Oshaniwa has ostensibly worked his way back into the
squad, although he may be first on the chopping block on Keshi is forced to cut
down to 23. By contrast, Igiebor returns to what looks to be a safe roster
spot. No new news on Eke, but Babatunde made the 30-man-squad. Defensive
midfiedler Obiora makes way for Stoke City Striker Peter Odemwingie, who has
fought his way back into good form and into Keshi’s good graces.
We’ll almost certainly see Ikechukwu Uche, Victor Moses, and
Emenike next summer. The Superstriking trio have only been left behind so that
Keshi can observe Mohammed Gambo, Anthony Ujah, and Joseph Akpala. Gambo plays
for Nigerian giants Kano Pillar, a northern city under duress from Boko Haram.
Ujah has been kicking ass for FC Köln. Akpala justified Werder Bremen’s
outbidding of West Ham with a fantastic season.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Moses and Emmenike return. Uche ahs been excluded from
the Kader. Gambo and Akpala have been left behind, hardly to anyone’s surprise.
What remains somewhat surprising is the omission of Anthony Ujah, who had
another fine campaign for Köln en route to the 2. Bundesliga Championship.
Taking his place in training camp will be Brugge’s Michael Uchebo and
Heerenveen’s Uche Nwofor’s. Both of these strikers are in their mid-20s, so
it’s puzzling that they’re being tasked with warming up the first-stringers.
Surely the younger and more malleable Ujah would benefit from training with the
bigwigs, even if he’s unlikely to make to final cut. The invitation of
32-year-old Shola Ameobi also strikes one as odd. What sort of attacking corps
is Keshi building?
Hmmm…seems we got a bit off tangent there. Perhaps this
bookie simply finds it irresistible to question Keshi…and then get
comprehensively proven wrong in earnest. ; ) ; ) This will be one of the
highlights of my Summer.
Overall, the Nigerians aren’t playing to win this
tournament. Covered in glory, Keshi wishes to treat this one as an experiment.
Akpala, Ujah, and Kwambe are definitely players to keep an eye on. The same
applies to Chelsea fullback Kenneth Omerou. A decisive element in the CAN
roster, he’ll get even more playing time here. Chelsea has eyes on the
moderately sized yet surprisingly stalwart defender. After signing him out of a
Belgian Youth Academy in 2012, they immediately loaned him to ADO Den Haag in
order to allow him to sharpen his skills. Keep an especially keen eye on him.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Omerou’s now on loan to Middlesborough in the
championship. He hasn’t quite reached the tipping point of his development, but
we may hear his name called in Brazil. He’ll train on the 30-man roster. His
prospects to make the final cut look bright.
Projecting the Nigerian Lineup (4-3-2-1)
Mikel
|
Ideye Akpala
|
Mba
Musa
|
Echilije Oboabona Omerou Ambrose
|
Enyeama
|
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2013”
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!
One of last year’s most beloved segments returns! How could
your friendly bookie refuse? Before this blog goes entirely too alpha-male
during the Women’s Championship, it’s time for some stern words amongst us
males. The Vicey from 2012 can elucidate what amounts to a “Fellowship of
Masculinity” far better than I can. Take it away brother:
“Yes,
I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess whether or not I think
another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking them as I do hot girls
or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I would like to extend the
offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one of the two flaming ones.
If you feel like undertaking such a task, your contribution will be valued
at…let’s say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and join the fun. It’s just another
thing you can do to distract yourself from your inescapable exit from this
world of color and consciousness to an eternity of dark nothingness. It’ll be a
real mood brightener.
On my
end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a man-to-man
confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair
of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off
with the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most
of you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…”
Got That? WE ARE MEN! Men do not have “hair care needs”! Men
do not have “skin care needs” WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! Enough of this
metrosexual madness!! Whether you’re gay, straight, or bi-confused MAN UP!!
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Nigeria
Ideye Brown
Look,.I liked “Taxi Driver” as much as the next movie loser
movie buff, but damn this trend. I blame Beckham. He started this nonsense.
Nnamidid Oduamadi
Never was a fan of the “Shitlocks”. Time to harvest that
crop.
Kenneth Omeruo
You’ll mature some day, young man.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/11/Kenneth_Omeruo.jpg/260px-Kenneth_Omeruo.jpg
Spain (Winning Odds—Straight Up)
Can “La Furia Roja” capture FOUR straight titles? Why the del-Bosqueing fuck not? “The Walrus” once again has David Villa at his disposal. Carlos Puyol is back too, though del Bosque has wisely opted to let him sit the extra strain associated with this tournament out. I’ve written so much about this obscenely talented squad over the years that I find myself remiss to think of anything new that might be said about either of the Sergios, either of the Xavis, or either of the Davids, either one of the Torres, or either of the Fernandos!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
La Roja remain the most analyzed team in Syndicate
History. Small wonder. They began their run of World Football dominance just as
this friendly neighborhood book was taking off. The football press has all but
declared the “Era of Tiki-Taka” dead following Pep Guardiola’s Champions League
fallout. As myopic as such analysis might be, Carlo Ancelotti (most recently)
has showcased to the world a useful tactic for defeating the system.
1) Keep the defense compact and organized. Four tall
defensive backs. Two defensive midfielders. Emphasis to the wingers: Stay back
and defend. Interrupt all lateral traffic past the halfway mark. Don’t risk
remaining on the flanks.
2) Completely forget about winning the possession game.
Let your opponents tire themselves out and play for some rare chances on the
break. That being said, don’t risk using the width of the pitch in possession.
Allow yourself to be dispossessed if no better options are available. “El Tiki
Taka” may allow your opponents to elegantly work their way out of a bad
position you’ve cornered them in, but it won’t generate goals unless you dumbly
deviate from your advantage in numbers.
3) Take advantage of the fact that “El Tiki Taka” doesn’t
rely upon a “midfield flight director”. Blanket defend in a zone rather than
smothering in possession. Allow forward runs and (once again) focus primarily
on intercepting lateral traffic.
4) Maintain discipline in the back four. Consider
defending the art of “defending one’s territory”. Don’t rush to challenge the
ball. Ignore cycling, triangulation, and the midfield short passing came.
Remain in your position and don’t cede a sweeping circle of approximately two
meters around. Begins wit the notion of an offside trap, but keep your eyes
forward.
The only way to approach a write-up of the Spaniards is to
focus on the changes. The only problem is that there are precious few of them.
Fernando Llorente has been dropped following a season for Athletico Bilbao in
which he tanked hard. Alvaro Negredo didn’t make the roster either, but that’s
more a matter of pragmatism. Juanfran Torres is also an absence of minor note.
Big deal.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Llorente’s found his legs again with Serie A Champions
Juventus Turin. Villa once again steals the show, this time for surprise La
Liga dominants Athletico Madrid. Alvaro Negredo, Diego Costa, and Pedro
Rodriguez are all deserving of call-ups. Michu, Roberto Soldado, and (Oh Yes!)
Fernando Torres all give Vincente del Bosque plenty to think about when
selecting his strikers. For a team supposedly engineered around the concept of
ten “mimicking midfielders” La Furia are surprisingly top-heavy when it comes
to forwards this year. It might be the case that this disproportionate
disconnect is what ends of imploding the system from within.
A few new faces to report on. Ceasar Azpilicueta (probably
misspelled) is a stocky defender from Pamplona who fought his way into
Chelsea’s First String this year. His fellow Pamplona native has one of the
greatest porn star/wrestler names of all time: “Nacho Monreal”. This
27-year-old came out of nowhere to claim a few starts at the Emirates this season.
Roberto Soldado will serve as an emergency fourth striker, mostly for old
time’s sake. Nothing much more to add, other than it’s been a treat to watch
Javi Martinez at the Allianz this season.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Azpilicueta may be quiet at the Bridge, but he gets the
job done. Something tells me he might get a regular starting role this summer.
Nacho Monreal’s stock has dipped
significantly. Javi Martinez simply MUST be a piece of the puzzle.
Projecting the Spanish Lineup (4-4-2)
Fernando Torres David Villa
|
X. Alonso Cesc Fabregas S. Busquets Xavi
|
J. Alba S. Ramos G. Pique A. A
|
Iker Casillas
|
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2013”
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!
One of last year’s most beloved segments returns! How could
your friendly bookie refuse? Before this blog goes entirely too alpha-male
during the Women’s Championship, it’s time for some stern words amongst us
males. The Vicey from 2012 can elucidate what amounts to a “Fellowship of
Masculinity” far better than I can. Take it away brother:
“Yes,
I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess whether or not I think
another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking them as I do hot girls
or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I would like to extend the
offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one of the two flaming ones.
If you feel like undertaking such a task, your contribution will be valued
at…let’s say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and join the fun. It’s just another
thing you can do to distract yourself from your inescapable exit from this
world of color and consciousness to an eternity of dark nothingness. It’ll be a
real mood brightener.
On my
end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a man-to-man
confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair
of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off
with the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most
of you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…”
Got That? WE ARE MEN! Men do not have “hair care needs”! Men
do not have “skin care needs” WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! Enough of this
metrosexual madness!! Whether you’re gay, straight, or bi-confused MAN UP!!
“All
Ugly Team” Candidates—Spain
Sorry,
but you’ve yet more italics to sift through. Seeing as how this is a EUROPEAN
team, we’ve already done this:
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Spain
Gerard Pique
Rugged, handsome, and a nice chin to boot. Gerard, why are
you spending so much time in front of the mirror? It must take twenty minutes
to perfect that hairstyle! No woman should ever have to admonish her man for
spending too much time in the bathroom! This should never happen! Of course you’re
Spanish and everything, but why be late to EVERYTHING because you were dicking
around with your hair?
Sergio Ramos
Much like Sami Khedira, Sergio Ramos doesn’t belong on this
list. I simply had to find an excuse to show you this picture:
Sigh. Life’s good when you’re a footballer. I’ll never get
within thirty yards of that woman. I could cry now.
Jordi Alba
For the thousandth time, what the coagulated crusty fuck
possesses an otherwise decent looking dude to run gelatinized garbage through
his hair until he looks like a grown-up Alfalfa strung out after a week-long
cocaine binge? This pisses me off more than black women with an obvious weave.
STOP IT! You’re beautiful AS IS!
Xavi Hernandez
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for impersonating Satan. One of
my hobbies in fact. I’m afraid our dear boy Xavi has just taken it a little too
far:
Cesc Fabregas
Excellent. The good news is he dropped the mullet:
The bad news is…well…the bad news pretty much speaks for
itself.
Santi Carzola
Not be outdone, Santi combines the worst of both Fabregas
Looks. Why not go for a mullet AND spikes:
Jesus Navas
Yes, I’m sure this picture adorns many a Spanish Chica’s
wall. Here’s the Sevilla midfielder trying out for the Iberian 90210.
Infinitely sadder, in my search for bad hair, I had to leave an electronic
cookie on a website entitled “A Disfutar Chicas”. Christ I don’t even want to
think about what’s going to be in my spam box tomorrow morning.
Fernando Torres
You had to know this one was coming. Poor Torres has lived
his entire life in denial. You’re not blond, Fernando! Deal with it!
Uruguay (Winning Odds—Straight Up)
Your friendly bookie isn’t happy about this. What are the Sky Blues doing here? Not cool. I have no desire to watch the archaic Diego Forlan and Edinson Cavani shuffle across the pitch. Moreover, who in the hell wants to watch that racist cocksucker Luis Suarez further hone his own distinctive brand of douchebaggery?
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Grrrr….your friendly bookie also a’int too happy about
the prospect of Luiz Suarez winning the Golden Boot. Our cheating racist
asshole now stakes a legitimate claim to being the World’s best footballer.
Cavani and Diego Lugano aren’t exactly showing signs of slowing down either.
All of the star power from 2010 returns. It’s fair to say
that they’re even stronger, faster, and richer than before. Captain Diego
Lugano performed so marvelously in the 2010 Finals that Malaga snatched him out
of the Turkish League. Diego Godin likewise re-upped with Athletico Madrid
after La Celeste made their semi-finals run. Cavani and Suarez, despite my
jests, just had the best seasons of their respective careers. Even Forlan has
some spark left.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
It’s doubtful that Forlan will make the cut, but Godin
served as a vital cog in Athletico’s historic season. This team sports plenty
of weapons and a very tight knit defensive corps that includes standouts Mai
Peirera and Martin Caceres. To reiterate what I wrote a year ago, “They ARE
contenders”.
Note that the overall winning odds stand at “straight up”.
These mates are too potent to discount. They’ll contend here…even if I don’t
want to talk all that much about them.
Projecting the Uruguayan Lineup (4-4-2)
Diego Forlan Edinson Cavani
|
A. Pereira A. Gonzalez W. Gargano
D. Perez
|
Martin Caceres D. Lugano D. Godin
M. Pereira
|
Fernando Muslera
|
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!
One of last year’s most beloved segments returns! How could
your friendly bookie refuse? Before this blog goes entirely too alpha-male
during the Women’s Championship, it’s time for some stern words amongst us
males. The Vicey from 2012 can elucidate what amounts to a “Fellowship of
Masculinity” far better than I can. Take it away brother:
“Yes,
I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess whether or not I think
another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking them as I do hot girls
or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I would like to extend the
offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one of the two flaming ones.
If you feel like undertaking such a task, your contribution will be valued
at…let’s say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and join the fun. It’s just another
thing you can do to distract yourself from your inescapable exit from this
world of color and consciousness to an eternity of dark nothingness. It’ll be a
real mood brightener.
On my
end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a man-to-man
confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair
of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off
with the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most
of you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…”
Got That? WE ARE MEN! Men do not have “hair care needs”! Men
do not have “skin care needs” WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! Enough of this
metrosexual madness!! Whether you’re gay, straight, or bi-confused MAN UP!!
“All Ugly Team Candidates”—Uruguay
Alvaro Pereira
Congratulations on perfectly emulating a Pentecostal woman.
Well done.
Luis Suarez
Becoming an unadulterated douche necessitates making moves
like this…and having hair like this.
Tahiti (Winning Odds 10-1)
Deliberately saved these Polynesian Pretenders for last. The Oceanic Champions acquired a Confed Cup slot after defeating, among others, American Samoa, Easter Island, New Zealand, Fiji, New Caledonia, Vanuatu, the Soloman Islands, and J.J. Abraham’s fantasy atoll from “Lost”. There isn’t a single player on this team that you’ll recognize. I honestly can't afford to waste a single solitary sentence on this archipelago. They don’t get a prognostication. They don’t get a projected lineup. They don’t even get an “All Ugly Team Subsection”. They’re a doormat. Period.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
To hell with the OFC. American college football fans can
liken it to “Conference USA”.
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (2 to 1 odds for bookie):
1) Spain
2)
Uruguay
3)
Nigeria
4)
Tahiti
