G’Day Syndicate Members,
In terms of pure results, it looks as if we were in for less
of a “Soft Opening” than any of us could have anticipated. Nothing quite like
eight matches without a single solitary draw! That being said, I know it’s only
the Asian Cup and that most Stateside Bettors can’t really scrounge up the time
to watch 3 a.m. football on their laptop.To those who brave the late hours, I convey my deepest respect….and I hope you find a job soon : ) ; )
We’ll talk a bit more about the appalling lack of television
coverage in a moment. First we have to check out how the Independent Oddsmaker
is doing.
My Updated Stats
Spread: 5-3
Straight Up: 7-1
Hells to the yes. Your friendly bookie is off to his best
start since 2004! Dear God….have I really been at it that long? Someone please
make me feel young again…otherwise it’s time for me to pay a visit to the Asian
Massage Parlor. Someone is in dire need of a “Happy Ending”. ; ( ; (
A decent Mailbag Segment may perhaps suffice for now. You
mates ready to read your very own brilliant riffs? I thought so.
Reader:
You can’t write about soccer now, Vicey! It’s still American Football Season!!
Vicey:
True enough. Your friendly bookie continues to watch the NFL Playoffs and the
intriguing new College Football Playoff Championship. A problem persists. How
many fucking commercials do I have to sit through over the course of a
60-minute-game? Seriously. How many banal Auto Insurance Commercials can one
man take? For that matter, how many Car Commercials does a reasonable adult
male have to sit through? The Acura Spots would have been designated the
stupidest fucking ads in the history of thirty-second-sells, were it not for
those new Lincoln ads starring Matthew McConaughey.
What the
fuck is this? Whose idea was this? We all have to listen to Matthew McConaughey
prattle on with his:
Matthew McConaughey.”
Sorry,
American football fans. Yours is a truly entertaining sport. I just can’t bring
myself to care about the fact that Matthew McConaughey turned the ignition
switch and made the left turn on the one-way street…because he’s Matthew
McConaughey.
Reader:
Have any views on the Charlie Heddo attack in Paris?
Vicey:
Too many views. Most of them center around the eloquent analytical thrust of a
rant that begins “Fuck these useless fucking motherfuckers.” Your friendly
bookie remains unapologetic about his opinions on Modern Islam. Just wait until
the African Cup of Nations. No apologies.
FUCK
BOKO HARAM!
FUCK
AL-SHABAB!
FUCK
ANSAR-DINE!
Reader:
Hey, “Bleeding Heart”! Did you make your NPR Donation?
Vicey: A
fair question. I was kind enough to correct Syndicate Member 17-M’s grammar.
Yes indeed! I sent in my donation. Still waiting for the “Abortion Yes!”
Totebag and my “Car Talk Mug”. Need to have a word with someone about that.
Reader:
….and now it’s time for the “Studio Katze”
Vicey:
Syndicate Member 13-M feels my pain. One chooses cats over dogs because they’re
supposedly less needy and more independent. Not the case. My cat is needier
than a sixteen-year-old rolling on Molly. In the event that some of you haven’t
figured it out yet, Mauser hopped on the keyboard and erased the China vs.
Saudi Arabia Line last Thursday night. Needy little bastard. Nevertheless, it’s
still my fault. I cut his balls off. Now he demands cuddles.
Reader:
When can I watch these games on TV?
Vicey:
Bwahahahahaha. Syndicate Member 85-M with an instant classic! You can only
watch these games on your laptop, i-pad, mobile phone, or digital device that
this dinosaur is unaware of. The 2015 Asian Cup will be broadcast to the
American Television Audience by ONE World Sports. If you’ve never heard of that
channel before, it’s because it doesn’t literally exist. The 2015 African Cup
of Nations will be broadcast to the American Television Audience by the channel
known as “beIN Sports”. Once again, that’s a completely fictional name.
Such a
shame. I had such high hopes back in 2013. What a naïve fool I was:
From “CAN 2013—Round One”:
Onwards
to how you can catch some of these fascinating fixtures. The international feed
will come courtesy of South African broadcaster SABC. U.K. fans can watch the
feed live on ITV. I’ve been unable to confirm whether or not they’ll actually
send broadcasters or plop them down in front of a screen. The French are
definitely sending live broadcasters (cant seem to resist he opportunity to
interfere in all things African) and you can watch them on Canal+ or via
internet feed. Eurosport will take care of the rest of continental Europe, sure
to provide amiable coverage. Oliver Kahn and the “Travel Tussie” will
be…well…what else? Eating pasta.
Now
comes to truly terrible news for U.S.-based fans (including myself). No U.S.
Network will broadcast the tournament. Fox Soccer Channel wasn’t even remotely
interested in bidding for the rights. Moreover, their flagship news program
(“Fox Soccer News”) provides almost no coverage of African Football. They might
provide you the scores, but they don’t even retain the rights to show you
highlights. Instead, they’ll simply do what American media does best, turn
things over to a bimbo who analyzes your twitter comments on wholly unimportant
issues.
ESPN
holds the broadcast rights. Gol-TV remains far too broke to challenge them.
ESPN will not, however, air any of the games on any of their four broadcast
networks. It’s College Basketball Season. Life isn’t always fair (reason #
435,242,672,874,434,324-C). Nevertheless, one can catch all the games on the
internet-based ESPN-3 or various peer-to-peer websites via your laptop. Taking
the tournament in via computer screen actually doesn’t really constitute a
reason to pout. It’s not hard to locate broadcasts, and it’s undeniably a
lovely experience to watch games in multiple languages. With peer-to-peer, one
never knows what’s coming down the pike. Start a game in French, flick on over
to Portuguese one that gets too annoying, and witness the spectacular
conclusion in Spanish. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
There’s
more good news tucked away in a current event that everyone is talking about
for the wrong reasons. As you’ve surely heard, Al Gore recently sold his
low-rated cable channel, “Current TV” to Al Jazeera. How does this transaction
signify fantastic news for football fans? The Qatar-based network will shutter
the channel, having really only paid for the bandwidth, and replace it
(according to some) with “Al Jazeera Sports”. Al Jazeera Sports will be covering this tournament. Dammit.
Had Gore sold out sooner, we’d be watching the festivities on the big screen.
Oh well. At least we’re moving in the right direction. Now all we have to do is
replace FOX News with “The Professional Cockfighting Channel” and we’ll all be
smarter and better people.
Reader:
How drunk do you get before writing these segments?
Vicey:
Syndicate Member 121-M delivers something of an amalgam of the
“$10,000,000,000,000 Question”. All I need for him to do is name me one
footballer writer who isn’t a chain-smoking boozehound. Go ahead. Take your
time. Give me one name. You think Barry Glendenning is fueling by sunshine,
rainbows, and flatulence?
A
Syndicate Classic--CAN 2013:
These Seven-Part Books often necessitates a bit of padding.
Here’s one of your friendly bookie’s favorites from two years ago:
From CAN 2013—Semifinals
Random
Thoughts gleaning from spelunking a soul….Vicey is a Rambling Man
--Well
done, New Orleans! The Crescent City delivered everything an amateurish
cocktail party patron could want in a Super Bowl. Nothing like a power outage
to get the conversation started. Professional Sports needs more live
commentators with nothing to commentate on.
“Let’s
check in with the sidelines reporters. Fred, how’s it going?”
“Well
Jim, the players didn’t expect this to happen. They’re wondering why this
happened and wondering when play will resume.”
“Thanks,
Fred. Truly valuable insight from our man on the field.”
It was
priceless. It wasn’t quite “Kahn’s eating Pasta”, but it came close.
--Congratulations
to Gerard Depardieu on your Russian Citizenship. While we’re on topic,
congratulations on your Belgian Citizenship. While we’re on topic, please stop
pissing on the floor of planes. While we’re on topic, please stop pretending
that you have a gift. While we’re on topic, please pay your taxes.
--Silvio
Berlusconi has taken a stand against his racist A.C. Milan Fans. He’s
threatened to fuck them and force them to pretend as if it was actually
enjoyable sex. That, gentlemen, is a threat.
--Everyone
in the Anglican Church can relax. Gay bishops will be ordained so long as they
pledge to remain celibate. That may prove akin to asking a Strip Club DJ to
stay away from the dancers, but still.
--A
recent edition of “Der Spiegel” I happened to read contained the cover story
“Deutsche Waffen für die Welt”. That translates to “German weapons for the
world.” Evidently, the Germans are finally realizing that they manufacture over
a quarter of the world’s munitions…and finally realizing that there’s something
they forgot to feel guilty about. That’s more or less what it’s like reading
“Der Spiegel”. Every week. “Hey guys…we forgot to feel guilty about [insert
cover story]!!!”
--At
least the Germans know that regulating beer is wrong. The poor Russians have to
deal with a ban on beer at street kiosk. I agree with 56-year-old security
guard “Victor”:
“You
can’t regulate beer. It’s NOT a spirit! It’s a drink that quenches the thirst,
NOT the underlying conscience!”
A
wiser man I’ve not yet known.
--To
Round things up, God bless Brent Musberger. So he called Katherine Webb “hot”…so
what? Fuck that whiny bitch. Anyone watching a sporting event has the god-given
right to observe hot girls in the stands. As any Syndicate Member will
enthusiastically attest, it’s a goddamn “GOD-GIVEN RIGHT”!!!
Let’s rank this 16. As is our tradition, we’ll grade these
squads on their opening round performance.
1)
Australia
Snicker at me, hyenas? A small smattering of you sent me
sardonic messages, brimming with rancor and ridicule. Your friendly bookie had
the gall to label the Socceroos “potential favorites” in his Introductory
Section. That touched more than a few “Smartass Nerves”. Let it be known that
every last snippy remark was taken with a grain of salt and a celebratory shot
of whisky.
Things may have gotten off to a rocky start early Friday
morning at Melbourne’s Rectangular Stadium. A scant three minutes after your
friendly bookie filed his lines, the Kuwaitis were already off to a shock 1-0
lead. It took Cahill nearly a half hour to equalize, meaning that three
opportunistic wagers trickled in and were accepted. ; ) ; )
Who’s laughing now, gentlemen? Every last wager is time
stamped. I may be out of contact, enjoying a well-earned cocktail whilst
watching a game on my laptop, but you’re still obligated to pay me. Ooops. Good
luck to those looking to climb out of their early hole. Be more wary of your
friendly bookie’s traps next time ; ) ; )
Top-Class lateral play from the flatlanders. Luongo and
Leckie prowled that right side like a couple of starved leopards for a solid 80
minutes. Placing Jedinak in central midfield and using Bresciano as a “Super
Sub” were moves that no one could have anticipated. Club Brugge Keeper Mathew
Ryan impressed in spite of the early soft goal.
Good looking team. Quality play from everyone in the 4-3-3.
I fancy them. You should fancy them. Kick back and enjoy as they punch their
way through to the final.
2)
U.A.E.
A “tight match” my grandmother’s asshole. Zayed’s Sons
managed two separate individual braces en route to a 4-1 opening romp. In the
event that anyone is interested, the Germans refer to a “brace” as a
“Doppel-Pack”. Expect nothing less from the race that brought you the concept
of a “Doppelgänger”.
Khalil and Mabkhout. Can’t purport to know much about either
one of them. Some light research reveals Ahmed Khalil to be the Asian Young
Footballer of the year. News to me. Who the hell knew there was such an award?
This Mabkhout character appears to possess both the talent to score off of
patiently planned set pieces and improvised-close-range finishes.
In any event, it was well worth staying up until 5 a.m. to
watch the “Dubai Dogs” execute a rout. Working twelve hours the next day wasn’t
even that bad. Football has a way of staying with you through all of your
arduous tasks.
Ismail al-Hammadi and Majed Hassan know how to infuse this
eleven should the need arise. Keep an eye on this crew.
3) Iran
As predicted, the “Princes of Persia” hit their opening
target. Shojaei demonstrated real leadership with his early work with
Goochannejhad. Hajsafi came out of nowhere to slaughter the flanks with
“Gooch”. This team looks great, particularly with Teymourian in a more stable
anchoring role.
All of the “Portuguese Plans” are falling into place. When
it comes to either football or EU Management, don't ever doubt the Portuguese.
Jose Mourinho is Portuguese. Juan Manuel Barroso is Portuguese.
Iranian football coach Carlos Quieroz is Portuguese……and now
everyone shuts up.
4) Japan
Why aren’t they ranked higher after the 5-0 rout in
Newcastle? For starters, the Blue Samurai summarily failed to dominate for the
full 90. After that questionable penalty cracked the match wide open, the Japs
threw it back into cruise control for the duration. Not remaining in high gear
remains forgivable, but other worrying signs manifested themselves in the wee
hours of this morning.
Apart from the early goal, Innui and Endo appear lost in
what looks to be a slightly modified 4-1-4-1. Hasebe’s distribution isn’t as
crisp as one might expect. A more talented squad can be expected to take
advantage of his unfamiliarity with his midfielders. They simply didn’t look in
sync. Plenty of time to rectify matters. Your friendly bookie will hold off on
the Upset Button for now, but don’t expect a lopsided result against the “Lions
of Mesopotamia”.
5) Iraq
Speak of the devils, Al Rafidain trainer Radhi Shenaishel
surprised everyone by deployed Younis Mahmoud alone up front and dropping Alaa
Abdul-Zahra back into the anchoring short striker role. Given that the tactical
leverage yielded by this move was negligible at best, one must assume a
longer-term ploy. Shenaishel clearly didn’t want the Samurai to get a good look
at his most lethal formation.
Shrewd move. Though the Iraqis should still get out of the
group even if they fail to draw against the Japs on Friday, this particular
eleven desperately needs to force its adversity out early. Let Kasim find his
legs in midfield before pairing him with either Meram or Yasin. For now that
pair can come on as late substitutes. Conceal the team’s true strengths. Sneak up on the tournament’s tougher
competition by denying them any film of the Kasim-Yasin-Meram Axis. Put in a
more pedestrian way; save the best for last ; )
6) China
PR
As flukish as Yu Hai’s goal may have been, I’m proud of The
Dragons. They roll out a very competent 4-2-3-1 with explosive potential. Three
yellow cards present the eleven with a bit of a challenge moving forward, but
Alain Perrin can work out the kinks with his delicate French massaging. Wang
Dalei is an awesome keeper. Never bet against a team with a giant in between
the posts.
7) South
Korea
They couldn’t have gotten off to a more sluggish start, but
all of that is immaterial. Stielike’s non-injury substitutions were inspired.
Lee Jung-Hyup and Han Kyo-Won should have doubled the advantage. All that this
bookie truly cares about is Ki-Sueng Young’s solid job as a “flight director”
and Chan du Ri’s excellent job in relief.
Our beloved Taeguk Warriors will still make the semi-finals.
That’s an ironclad promise. Keep your eye on Ki-Sung Yeoung. He knows what he’s
doing.
8)
Uzbekistan
Way to shock the World, “White Wolves”!! No one expected
your center-forward to head it home in such an emphatic a fashion. Don’t get
cocky. Korea DPR will still top you in the group standings.
Eat crow, Uz-beki-beki-stan-stan. When Herman Cain is making
fun of you, it’s pretty much time to admit that you’re not a real country.
9) North
Korea
They played well! Pak Kwang-Ryong and Jong Il-Gwan had
decent looks at goal. MY Syndicate Members need to stop talking about Seth
Rogen’s “The Interview”. You’re better than this, brothers. We don’t discuss
shitty movies unless they have the words “Tango” and/or “Cash” in the Title.
Football fans don’t have time for shitty movies. At any
given time, we’re scouting between 10 and 35 separate leagues. Kudos to James
Franco and Seth Rogen for continuing their brilliant partnership.
……
……
It was still a shitty movie.. This poor bastard wasted his
very valuable time on it i ; ( : (
Seth Rogen owes me two hours of my time back. Time is money.
Ignore the hype. Focus on making money.
So “spaketh” your friendly bookie.
10)
Jordan
Hope floats for the Palestinians as the Jordanians limp into
Round Two minus a suspended centerback and quite possibly an injured
keeper/captain. “The Chivalrous” happened to be so magnanimous on the pitch
yesterday evening that they courteously ceded any real attempts to play a
goddamned football match. True Gentlemen they were ; )
Looking forward to writing this flaccid team’s “Goodbyes
Section”.
11) Oman
Al-Hosni, Al-Khaldi, and Al-Ruzaiqi all did their part to
provide us with an entertaining final half hour in Canberra on Saturday. Were
it not for some heroic keeping from Kim Jin-Hyeon, The Red Warriors might have
split the difference with the Taeguk ones. All of that notwithstanding, this
national side stands zero chance of getting out of Group A. The starters might
as well begin planning their day off in Newcastle now.
12)
Bahrain
We’ll give them props for an entertaining match, but
piss-poor finishing from likes of Saeed and Ismail Latin precludes any thoughts
of awarding a higher ranking. Christ, what was that? Is this amateur hour? Some
of those high flashers were gag inducing…in a “blue waffle” sense.
…. I just threw up in my mouth.
13)
Saudi Arabia
They failed to register a single shot on target until well
after the hour mark. They failed to convert a penalty. They couldn’t generate a
through ball or indeed anything resembling a forward pass all night. They just
plain suck. Go home, Green Falcons. Go home you useless rogues!
14)
Qatar
It was all over before it truly began. Full of adrenaline
and hope, Kalian Abraham’s early goal made the impossible seem conceivable…for
all of a quarter of an hour. One cannot defend set-pieces as atrociously as the
“Maroon Vinyls” and expect to have a chance in tournament football. That’s why
they’ll be headed home soon. No point for the 2022 hosts to make even much of
an effort.
15)
Kuwait
The Kuwaiti story mirrors that of the Qatari one elucidated
above. An early earthquake of a goal followed by a catastrophic collapse on the
football fundamentals. It appears increasingly likely that this competition
won’t feature anything resembling a Cinderella Story. That brings us to the
difficult case of…..
16)
Palestine
Not a single armchair analyst was surprised to see the
“Martyrs” flop with such a resounding thud. The political aspirations of a
displaced people know working on their fourth generation of offspring makes for
a compelling narrative, albeit one that doesn’t exactly transfer well to
activities on the football pitch. Such is life in a vast, empty, and godless
universe.
No….I haven’t been drinking! Stop looking at me like that!
Tuesday
South Korea vs. Kuwait
vs. Now we’ll see what this version of the Taeguk Warriors have to offer. They’ve got Kraut Power pulling the strings. They’ve got a lionhearted lead striker who knows to lead by example. They’ve got a deep bench and prowess up both flanks.
Watch them catch fire. Time to ignite.
THE
LINE: South Korea +3 Goals
Australia vs. Oman
vs. Those fortunate enough to watch tonight’s 3 a.m. game (Central U.S.) time should be treated to plenty of acrobatic tricks and some truly memorable goals. Cahill already delivered us one for the ages and he’s far from finished.
Viel Spaß!
THE
LINE: Australia +3 Goals
Wednesday
North Korea vs. Saudi Arabia
vs. It proves doubtful we’ll see a single line roll over the course of this tournament, but a sizeable amount of anti-North Korea traffic has come in from the Yank Betting Contingent. We’ll debut a simple +1 here and caution that the line might roll….even though it probably won’t. Get your bets in early, brothers ; )
THE
LINE: North Korea +1 Goal
China PR vs. Uzbekistan
vs.
The Uzbeck Gravy Train is set to de-rail. In all actuality,
I don’t think we need to overextend the metaphor. Any train traveling on
Uzbeck-manufactured tracks is destined to de-rail.
And…..ZING… one for your friendly bookie himself! Hey Ho!
THE
LINE: China PR +1 Goal
Thursday
Bahrain vs. U.A.E.
vs. “Zayed’s Sons” pulled off an unequivocally dominant opening performance….which doesn’t mean I’m prepared to find out why the U.A.E. National Football Team is referred to as “Zayed’s Sons” or label them favorites against a Bahraini Side that doesn’t have a choice but to improve upon their play. This borders on the verge of an “Upset Alert”
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Qatar vs. Iran
vs.
The “Pride of Persia” will continue to roll; roll right on
over a Maroon Army that doesn’t even have the basic rudiments of a strategy
when it comes to defending organized football. Quieroz has a plan. Don’t doubt
that for a second.
THE
LINE: Iran +2 Goals
Friday
Palestine vs. Jordan
vs. A couple of you have posed the question as to why I’ve afforded the Jordanians spiteful treatment. Pressed for time, I’ve no choice but to put it bluntly and concisely. I consider the Jordanians to be complicit in the Palestinian Historical Travesty. The Germans call the “West Bank” the “Westjordanland” for good reason”. The monarchy of Jordan had more than ample opportunities and a surfeit of good to assimilate these stateless peoples into their own Kingdom. The obstinate refusal to do so may not compare to the Semitic Crime of the occupation and subjugation of ancient lands, but it should be noted.
Class dismissed. Enough. Discussion of a Human Rights
Tragedy of this magnitude must be deferred, if only because a simple football
fixture won’t end up changing any of it.
THE
LINE: Jordan +3 Goals
Iraq vs. Japan
vs. One last tasty special to tell you about. As noted above, your friendly bookie feels that the previous Japanese scoreline masks some inherent inner-rot that will lead to a less-than-stellar result for the Blue Samurai. Capitalize if you can. Bets in early as this line might….ah who am I kidding? The line won’t roll, but place a bet anyway ; ) ; )
THE
LINE: Japan +1 Goal
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
