Time to head back “Down Un-dah” Syndicate Members,
The Asian Continental Championship reaches its penultimate
chapter. Everyone tired of hearing me prattle on about African drivel is
cordially invited to chill for a couple of days.The Asian Cup semi-finals offer one compelling match between the South Koreans and Iraqis. That fixture kicks off this very eve. The Australia vs. U.A.E. Affair will most likely be less entertaining, but it’s still worth a look if you happen to find yourself awake at that ungodly hour.
Analysis of the “Asian Final Four” follows. Two lines and
six prop bets. Scroll on down. ; ) ; )
Africa may be closer to your friendly bookie’s heart, but
he’s still excited about watching these matches. Where’s our graphic? Someone
please conjure up the graphic!!
Asia lives. Graphic please ; )
My Updated Stats
Spread: 13-15
Straight Up: 20-7-1
Asia is just too predictable…or at least I thought as much.
Interesting Quarterfinal Round. Another totally unexpected upset may yet be in
the mix.
Quick Mailbag tonight, Gentlemen.
Reader:
You sucked me in to reading…and I missed the chance to bet on the lines!
Vicey:
You know better than that, 28-M. You’re supposed to scroll down until you se
the flags!!
Reader:
Why is it always about the numbers with you?
Vicey:
Because numbers are sexy, 102-M!! Don’t you know about “sexy primes”? the Sexy
Primes are the sexiest of all prime numbers. You already know that Prime
Numbers are integers only divisible by the number 1 and themselves. “Sexy
Primes” are prime numbers separated by six integers. The easiest (and obvious
first example) are the numbers 5 and 11. Those are very sexy numbers.
If 5 and
11 had a threesome with another number…then they’d instantly be divisible.
That’s the magic of the “sexy primes”. They remind you that Group Sex is ALWAYS
a bad idea.
Reader:
Tired, Vicey? Are you a German Pansy?
Vicey:
There’s no such thing as a “German Pansy” ; ) Don’t confuse me or my people
with the Austrians. That’s an entirely different breed. Bunch of wannabe
Pseudo-Hungarian Composers.
A
SYNDICATE CLASSIC
Found myself thinking about prostrate fatigue recently.
Believe it or not, it can be a good thing. Check out the dispatch from Day
Three of last Summer’s activities.
From WM 2014—Day Three Recap:
Let’s
get everyone caught up on all the exciting action from Day Three. Yesterday
your friendly bookie augured that the overall pace of matters would invariably
slow down a bit. “What goes up, must come down”? Screw Newton. We’re defying
gravity. Slow down, you say? Slow down and prepare for Jack Bolling’s “malice”?
SLOW DOWN?
Surely
it was time to take our foot of the gas pedal. The reliably boring and stingy
defensive Greek Pirate Ship only conceded FOUR MEASLEY goals in European
Qualifying. Besides that, Radomel “El Tigre” Falcao would be watching this game
from the stands! The “Coffee Growers” were having none of it. They stormed out
of the gate like they had just downed eight espressos and snorted four rails of
Premium Columbian Blow. Armero’s 6th minute goal took a deflection,
but it was the culmination of some great play in and out of the box. Zapata and
Cuardado were in involved in the build up. Zapata punted an awesome long ball
forward and Cuardado executed some wicked sling dribbling. James Rodriguez
proved himself a team player with the faux layoff. BOOM. Another roaring start.
Fernando
Santos’s men surprised us all with some attacking intent of their own. Nice
moves from Samaras and mobile Left Winger Panagiotis Kone. Breathtaking first
half. We picked up right where we left off after the restart. Sweet distance
strike from Rodriguez. Incredible flick on from Aguilar for the second goal.
More exciting moments from Gekas and Samaras as the half wore on and a
wonderful top off from Rodriguez deep into injury time.
Whew.
Your friendly bookie found himself exhausted after merely watching this cherry
bomb of a match….and it was only the first of four!
SLOW
DOWN? Surely the next encounter would bring us back down. Absent Suarez, the
Uruguayans could be depended upon to play ugly and dirty. We’d have plenty of
time to glance away from the screen with all those midfield whistles and
languid throw-ins. This one had “defensive stalemate” written all over it.
To
hell with that. Godin and Cavani generated quality chances early on, with the
latter missing out on a golden opportunity. After the penalty, Campbell fired a
scorching warning shot that just missed Muslera’s far post. Keylor Navas
produced an insanely acrobatic save on Forlan as the half wound down. Your
friendly bookie managed to type up all of two sentences as the game just
wouldn’t let him go.
He
managed perhaps a half a sentence during the throbbing second half. Campbell’s
laser meant anything was now possible. Three minutes later Duarte’s diving
header sent him into convulsions. So many intriguing story lines as Suarez
began to warm up. But where would the time to write come from if the chronicler
can’t take his eyes off the screen? Urena’s clinical finish, Pereira’s nasty
foul, Cavani slotting for a non-existent Suarez…how can one multitask with all
this great football?
SLOW
DOWN? The Europeans typically start slow in global tournaments. It’s incredibly
hot and humid in Manaus. Additionally, the pitch is said to be in deplorable
condition. Now we’ll apply the brakes and your friendly bookie could get back
to getting a jump on the second round lines. Prandelli may be even dumb to
start Immobile in place of Balotelli. It was time to wind down.
“Forget
it,” said the young phenom and surprise start Raheem Sterling, “you can sleep
when you’re dead.”. He set the tone early with an audacious missile that nearly
tore through the side netting. The young gun was all over the pitch making
things happen. Wellbeck and Rooney seemed more lively than usual too, regularly
playing out of position for an unanticipated influx of innovation. Marchisio’s
goal off of Pirlo’s dummy was answered in gorgeous fashion by Rooney and
Sturridge at the other end. Oh what a brilliant tally it was! The blistering
Cut & Run up the left side, the sumptuous arc of the cross, the flawless
leaping finish. GOAL OF THE TOURNAMENT!
We
were far from done. Balotelli’s square lob and Jagielka’s dramatic header away
brought the first half to a close. Mr. “Why Always Me” got his goal shortly
after the break, blowing up most of my e-mail boxes with Syndicate Member
celebrations from all over the globe. More great chances, intriguing
substitutions, and non-stop action kept me glued to the screen until the final
whistle.
SLOW
DOWN? C’mon now. It’s going on 3 a.m. in Germany! Your friendly bookie can
barely remember which teams are playing tomorrow. He can’t keep his book
straight. Lines, Member Numbers, and Lineups are all blurring. “Les Elephants”
are one of the tournament’s oldest and slowest teams. The Japs don’t have a
real “Number 9”. Surely it would be possible to keep one weary eye on the
computer screen.
Shinji
Okazaki, Kagawa, and Keisuke Honda would allow no such thing. The trio combined
for fluid passing and a damn swell finish to tease the upset. Cote d’Ivoire
desperately needed to reverse the flow of first-half traffic, which saw the
Blue Samurai garner more exciting chances to pump up your bookies adrenaline.
Drogba was introduced in the 62nd and my African boys scored two
goals in rapid succession. Both came off of Aurier crosses. One for Wilfred
Bony in the 64th. One for Gervinho in the 66th. Drogba
wasn’t directly involved, but it looked like his mere presence threw off the
Jap marking.
Five
a.m. in the Fatherland and your friendly bookie’s blood still pumped hard.
Sometime after sunrise he passed out on the couch, clutching his “11 Freunde:
Sonderheft” like it was the girl of his dreams. What a fucking day, football
fans! What a tournament!
PURA
VIDA!
PURA
VIDA!
Goodbyes
Section
8th
place—Uzbekistan
Henceforth, the White Wolves may consider themselves
welcomed into the Syndicate Fold. Not only did they defy the lowly expectations
unjustifiably pinned on them during the Group Stage, they held the mighty
Taeguks scoreless for 90 solid minutes. Namisov, Tursunov, Denisov, and
Rashidov all played like noble warriors. There may very well be a
who-gives-a-fuck-a-k-ov in there somewhere that I forgot to mention. Too bad.
7th Place—China PR
Team Dragon had the misfortune of drawing the hosts. Shitty break.
Sun Ke, Wu Lei, and Yu Hai are names that I won’t soon forget. We’ll look
forward to seeing them….okay….I confess that it’s pointless. We won’t be seeing
them anytime soon. China never qualifies. To paraphrase Walter Chronkite,
that’s the way it is.
6th
Place—Iran
No one missed the Iran v. Iraq game, right? Please tell me
you didn’t miss it!
SIX GOALS!
FIVE LEAD CHANGES!
SEVEN PENALTY SHOOT-OUT ROUNDS!!
It offends me if you didn’t watch that legendary clash. I’m
almost tempted to say that it offends me sexually.
Let’s scrounge up a link.
5th
Place—Japan
Drawing on some of the better Jewish Psalms, your friendly
bookie must adjure directly to God:
“Oy Vey. What happened? Why hast thou forsaken us?”
The poor Samurai just didn’t have it in them after 120
minutes and a penalty round that got off to the worst possible start.
I need to commune with Dominic Crossan now. We’ll talk about
False Messianic Hopes for a little while, then go have a beer.
Monday
South
Korea vs. Iraq
vs.
Setting a line for this one proves more difficult than
railroading twenty-two tequila shots, then attempting to convert twenty-two
Inverse Cyclometric Trigometric Functions. Your friendly bookie keeps looking
for the footballing equivalent of some Leibniz Notation…but it remains beyond
the grasp of his weary mind.
Dammit!
For fuck’s sake, simply projecting the twenty-two players on
the pitch leaves me with a splitting headache. One expects both teams to roll
out 4-2-3-1 Formations. Both teams are surely exhausted after their grueling
120-minute Quarterfinal Contests.
Are the Iraqis pumped full of adrenaline after that Epic
“Siege Warfare” Crusade, or are they too enervated to produced the requisite
creativity? Do the Taeguks finally have a solution to their lead striker
dilemma? Does Shenaishel have an anchoring midfielder in mind after the Justin
Meram Flop? Will he let them hang low and give eighteen-year-old Humam Tariq
the start?
I don’t have any answers to those legitimate questions,
gentlemen. If I knew whether or not Tariq would get the nod, I could
potentially forecast an “Upset Special”. In light of the information presently
before me, you’ll have to pick your team.
Mirror Formations always present an oddsmaker with problems.
In such situations, it occasionally helps to focus on some of the one-on-one
matchups. Even that doesn’t help in this instance. Kim Jin-Su vs. Waleed Salem
is a push. Ditto Ki Sueng-Yung vs. Saad Abdul-Amir, Ahmed Yasin vs. Song Heung
Min and Lee Keun-Ho vs. Alaa Abdul-Zahra. All of the head-to-heads are neutral.
Your friendly bookie just can’t draw it up, gentlemen. You
have yourselves a pick. Tune in this evening if you can. This fixture can’t get
here soon enough.
Projected
Lineups:
“The
Taeguk Warriors”—(4-2-3-1)
Lee Jung-Hyup
|
Song Heung-Min Lee Keun-Ho
|
Nam Tee-Hee
|
Ki
Sueng-Yung Park Joo-Ho
|
K. Jin-Su K. Young-Gwon C. Du-Ri K. Chang-Soo
|
Kim Jin-Hyeon
|
“The
Lions of Mesopotamia”—(4-2-3-1)
Younis Mahmoud
|
Alaa Abdul-Zahra Ahmed Yasin
|
Humam Tariq
|
Yaser
Kasim Saad Abdul-Amir
|
D. Ismail S. Shaker A. Ibrahim W. Salem
|
Jalal
Hasan
|
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under—3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—Straight Up
Tuesday
Australia
vs. U.A.E.
vs.
The Socceroo Lineup projected by your friendly bookie in the
Quarterfinal Round was simply ingenious. I’ll stand by it. A true
“Trident-Style Attack” featuring Max Kruse on the left, Mathew Leckie on the
right and good ol’ Timmy Cahill as the protruding piece of steel is “of the
Gods”. It’s too cunning to stop. Bonaparte himself couldn’t have come up with a
better strategy. Had the French Midget concocted something even remotely
similar, everyone in Russia would be munching on baguettes now.
Ange Postecoglou is even more astute. He’s really playing it
close to the vest; much more so than I initially thought. The Aussies played an
obtusely sneaky 4-1-4-1 against the Chinks. Kruse and Leckie cleverly pretended
as if they weren’t strikers. They were clearly instructed to hang back and act
as wingers. Irrespective of whether they’ll be asked to do so again, the
Flatlanders should have no problem flattening the severely overtaxed Sheiks
here.
Scrap the “Abdulrahman Axis”. Unimpressive.
Cinderella goes home….NOW!!
Projected
Lineups:
“The
Socceroos”—(4-3-3)
Max Kruse Timmy Cahill Mathew Leckie
|
Matt McKay Massimo Luongo
|
Mark Milligan
|
Aziz
Behich Ivan Franjic
|
M. Spiranovic T.
Sainsbury
|
Matthew Ryan
|
“Zayed’s
Sons”—(4-4-2 )
Ahmed Kali Ali
Mabkhout
|
O.
Abdulrahman A. Abdulrahman
|
K. Esmaeel I. El-Hammadi
|
Abdelanziz Sanqour
Abdulaziz Hussein
|
Mohamed Ahmed Mohanad
Salem
|
Majed Naser
|
THE
LINE: Australia +2 Goals
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under—4 Goals
120 Minutes—2 to 1
Penalty Shootout—3 to 1
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
