Verdammte Scheiße Syndicate
Members!
Yes, yes. My sardonic gratitude to all of you who wrote to remind me that the Germans suffered their first defeat in a Women’s European tournament since 1993. The real resonance of that epic fail wouldn’t have hit me had it not been for your persistent ribs. We’ll see who’s laughing come Sunday evening.
My Mädels may have had an off
game. A flukish goal and a death of useful creativity aside, we will crush the
bullish Wopinstas on our way to the Semis. It doesn’t look as I we’ll get much
further than that, but the Final Four remains an acceptable terminus for German
Fans. Attain the Semis and we’re content. At some point it would be nice if we
could actually begin capturing titles once again, but for now we’ll settle for
the semis.
Ze Frauen might have seen their
tournament dream completely dashed were it not for a plucky performance from
the “Ice Daughters”. I looked ahead to the Norwegian match with great
trepidation. Something told me we’d have to contend with a rather embarrassing
loss.
From FEM 2013—Round Three:
“Hegerberg,
Hegland, and Hansen continue to put on a clinic with their fabulous footwork.
Ronning and Isaksen are finding their form. Hjelmseth ROCKS between the pipes.
Yes, I’m very afraid. I fear for my Mädels. I honestly don’t know if they can
best the Norwegian menace.”
What I could ABSOLUTELY NOT have
foreseen was the following ACTUAL corporeality:
“Iceland ‘bails out’ Germany”
Read that sentence again.
What…..the EFSMing fuck?
“Iceland ‘bails out’ Germany.”
ICELAND……bails out……GERMANY?!?!
These girls have turned reality on
its head. Nothing makes sense anymore. At this juncture, I wouldn’t be
surprised if the universe spontaneously opted to fold itself back into an
infinite-dimensional singularity. We’ve got Iceland rescuing the Germans,
Finland standing tall against Denmark, and the French smacking around anyone
who gets in their way.
No matter. It’s still been a thoroughly delightful
tournament, and we’re far from finished. Before delving into some of the fun
I’ve been assiduously preparing over the past few days, we’ve an important
programming note to address
ATTENTION MEMBERS:
“EARLY DELIVERY LINES”
You know full well what happens when lines are set 3-4 days
in advance. Things change. Injuries occur. Players fail fitness tests. Too much
money comes in on one side and your friendly bookie has to move the line. As
the Dude himself would put it, “New shit comes to light”. I do believe everyone
knows that bets are taken on a “first come, first serve basis”. We emphasize
that at the onset of every syndicate. If I may make an educated guess, almost
every syndicate member has had to deal with a roving line at one point or
another.
Consider yourself warned. These lines are essentially guaranteed
to move. If you want action you’ll have to show some early traction.
Got that. Los mit dem Spaß! Today
we’re pleased to announce the triumphant return of three segments that have
hirtherto been sadly neglected.
1) Page one Rewrites of the
Individual Rankings.
Been meaning to get around to
this. It was a race against time as I hastily scrambled to cobble together a
cursory assessment of this tournament’s ladies. Had to cut a few corners, skip
a few countries, and do some uneducated guesswork. It was akin to giving your
car a tune up but forgetting to tighten the sparkplugs. Let’s get to work
fixing matters before those parts rocket off in rush-hour traffic.
As a new rule, I’m no longer going
to rank any of these girls below 5.0. My subjective tastes in women
notwithstanding, they’re all far better footballers than I could ever hope…even
with bionic legs. Hence, they’ll be classified “average”. There aren’t really
any ugly women in the world. Okay….there are more than a few, but I’ve actually
loved my fair share and they were worthwhile nonetheless experiences. I also
plan to inflate stats somewhat based on playing skills and some more subtle
aspects of beauty. The latter part shouldn’t be too hard. I’ll just need a
six-pack of “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew”. I will make these women look
better!
2) “Storia della Bellazza with Umberto Eco Vicey.”
“Umberto
Eco he is not. What’s to stop him from pretending? Here are some thoughts ‘On
Beauty’ from your friendly bookie.”
Oh Yes. This is back in a big way!
Light the candles!
3) “Ramble On, Vicey.”
It’s simply been too long. Every
man has to rant.
Shall we begin by bidding
farewell? Four nations failed to reach the knockout stages…in a competition
where TWO of the third place group teams were eligible no less.
Finland (3 games played, 1
goal, 2 points)
From FEM 2013—“Syndicate X-2”
“Finland,
Finland, Finland.
The
country where I want to be,
Pony-treking
or camping,
Or
just watching TV
Finland,
Finland, Finland
It’s
the country for me.
You’re
so near to Russia,
So far
from Japan
Quite
a Long Way from Cairo
Lot’s
of miles from Vietnam
So
sadly neglected,
And
often ignored,
A poor
second to Belgium,
When
going abroad”
Thank
you, Eric Idle!! This Python Classic routinely fails to get its due! For starters,
it’s given me something to write about Finland! Thank for the fuck Christ! The
challenges associated with finding something interesting to say about the
Finnish Women’s national football team are only slightly less unnerving than
those faced when tasked with a write-up on the Azerbaijani Ice Hockey Team.
That’s it. I don’t know what else to say.
Now I know what to say…..sort of.
Meet the “Pearl Owls”, then promptly say goodbye to them for four years. No way
they qualify for the 2015 Women’s World Cup in Canada
Finland—2013 Rankings
Tuija Hyyrynen
|
10.0
|
Tinjia Riika Korpeala
|
9.0
|
Leena Puranen
|
9.0
|
Ella Vanhanen
|
8.9
|
Nora Heroum
|
8.8
|
Laura Kivistö
|
7.9
|
Emmi Alanen
|
7.6
|
Marianna Tolvanen
|
7.4
|
Sanna Talonen
|
6.9
|
Heidi Kivelä
|
6.7
|
Annika Sjölund
|
6.6
|
Sussana Lehtinen
|
6.0
|
Tiinia Saario
|
5.8
|
Annika Kukkonen
|
5.4
|
Katri Nokoso-Kovisto
|
5.2
|
Nea-Stea Liljejhal
|
5.0
|
Pirijo Leppekangas
|
5.0
|
Natalia Kuikka
|
5.0
|
Anna Westerlund
|
5.0
|
Jaana Lyytikäninen
|
5.0
|
Henni Malinen
|
5.0
|
“Storia della bellaza – With Umberto Eco Vicey”
(Part IX)
Tuija Hyyryen affords us an opportunity to explore the once
again explore the indefinable concept of the “Perfect Girl Next Door”.
(Sometimes referred to as “The Pristine Farmer’s Daughter” in certain circles.)
What do guys mean by this? I’ve
tried to tackle this in previous installments and honestly haven’t done all
that great of a job at all : (
From Part VII:
“Ask a
dude what precisely it is that merits “girl next door” status and you won’t
receive anything close to a coherent answer. As articulate a man as I consider
myself, I cannot compose something that supercedes American Football Player
Interview Speak:
“Uh….yeah…you
know….uh….the ‘girl next door’…she’s…like….uh….the girl who be….all
bashful….and stuff.”
Yes.
The eloquent writer finds himself reduced to sounding like “Miss Teen South
Carolina”. As one fumble for some sort of useable definition, all that comes to
mind concerns her proclivity towards reticence. But the “girl next door” need
not be quiet and reserved”
I’m still fumbling for answers.
All one can truly say concerns the fact that there is a certain kind of
adorable cuteness that makes even the most foulmouthed of sinners want to
foreswear drinking, cursing, and gambling….forever. One look at Tuija Hyyryen leaves
one feeling as if its time to move to the country, buy a tractor, and start a
small ministry. Don’t take my word for it, now. See for yourself:
…..
…..
…..
I need to buy a farm. Doesn’t
anyone know where I can find some reasonably priced sheep? No more gambling
columns for your friendly bookie. All I want to do is scythe grass, breed
bunnies, and cultivate alfalfa sprouts. I want to wake up to this beautiful
girl’s incredible smile every morning, and make sweet passionate love to her
every night.
Time to settle down and get back to the simple life. We’ll till the earth until 4 p.m., then play football with the kids in the field until sunset. Country Roads….take me home…to ze place…….where I BELONG!
Time to settle down and get back to the simple life. We’ll till the earth until 4 p.m., then play football with the kids in the field until sunset. Country Roads….take me home…to ze place…….where I BELONG!
Whoa. What just happened there?
SNAP OUT OF IT VICEY! Whew. I don’t know where I just was, but I’m back. How do
these “Girls Next Door/Pristine Famer’s Daughters” do it? I still can’t tell
you exactly. Three factors help.
1) Height
She has to be small. No taller
than 5’5’’ (164 cms). Taller women engender an entirely different sort of
attraction.
2) Facial Structure
All varieties work, but “The Girl
Next Door” has to sport a round-ish face.
3) Smile
That smile constitutes the “real
deal”. She’s not faking or posing! Everything about it screams, “Don’t you want
to get to know a nice girl? I’m not crazy! I’m sweet and mentally stable! I
won’t drive you up the fucking wall with incessant neediness!”
Beyond that, most men exhibit two
kinds of inherent primal attraction. The first is pure, unadulterated sexual
lust:
EXAMPLE:
“Holy shit! Did you see the ass on
that redhead? What I wouldn’t tear up given a few minutes alone in the dark
with that! Follow the erection!
However, a man’s softer, more
supple paternalistic instincts shouldn’t be discounted either.
EXAMPLE:
“Awww..Look at the sweet, innocent
little round-faced girl. I’d love to cradle her in my arms and tenderly love
her like a big brother.”
The former type leads to some
fairly rough sexual escapades and over ninety-five percent of one’s
relationships. Very rarely does the latter type lead to anything other than
friendship. It’s not an implicitly sexual attraction, after all. Once in a very
blue moon, a girl can somehow dial up the right combination of these two
instincts and the man swoons in a way even Percy Sledge couldn’t sing about.
He’ll give up EVERYTHING. That’s the magic of “The Girl Next Door”
Netherlands (3 games played,
ZERO goals, 1 point)
Did not see this one coming. It
seemed perfectly reasonable to expect that Slegers and van de Van would
eventually figure out how to better involve their teammates. Surely the forward
impetus of Bito and Spitse would produce…SOMETHING.
How wrong I turned out to be. The Lady Oranje wasted another brilliant performance by Lieke Martins en route to a goalless dud of an exit. This actually constitutes sad news for all of us, as Koster, van de Donk, and Melis had plenty more to offer. This should spell the end for the decidedly un-innovative Roger Reijners. Best of luck to the Dutch as they embark upon a prolonged rebuilding phase.
How wrong I turned out to be. The Lady Oranje wasted another brilliant performance by Lieke Martins en route to a goalless dud of an exit. This actually constitutes sad news for all of us, as Koster, van de Donk, and Melis had plenty more to offer. This should spell the end for the decidedly un-innovative Roger Reijners. Best of luck to the Dutch as they embark upon a prolonged rebuilding phase.
The Netherlands—INITIAL 2013 Rankings
Danielle van de Donk
|
10.0
|
Annouk Hoogendijk
|
10.0
|
Claudia van der Heilegenberg
|
9.6
|
Lieke Martens
|
9.4
|
Leonne Stentler
|
9.1
|
Christen van de Ven
|
8.7
|
Dyanne Bito
|
8.5
|
Mandy Versteegt
|
8.4
|
Manon Melis
|
8.0
|
Merel Van Dongen
|
7.6
|
Renee Sledgers
|
7.3
|
Maayke Heuver
|
7.2
|
Sherida Spitze
|
7.0
|
Sylvia Smit
|
6.9
|
Siri Worm
|
6.7
|
Annouk Dekker
|
6.6
|
Loes Guerts
|
6.0
|
Desiree van Lunteren
|
5.8
|
Daphne Koster
|
3.6
|
The Netherlands—2013 Rankings (Revised Page One Rewrite)
Danielle van de Donk
|
10.0
|
Annouk Hoogendijk
|
10.0
|
Lieke Martens
|
10.0
|
Claudia van der Heilegenberg
|
9.6
|
Leonne Stentler
|
9.4
|
Dyanne Bito
|
9.2
|
Mandy Versteegt
|
9.0
|
Manon Melis
|
8.8
|
Siri Worm
|
8.7
|
Merel Van Dongen
|
8.4
|
Loes Gurts
|
8.3
|
Renee Sledgers
|
7.9
|
Maayke Heuver
|
7.8
|
Sherida Spitze
|
7.4
|
Sylvia Smit
|
7.0
|
Annouk Dekker
|
6.9
|
Kirsten van de Ven
|
6.5
|
Desiree van Lunteren
|
6.4
|
Daphne Koster
|
5.0
|
Promotions all around. Received a
few quips concerning how I’ve overrated the Dutch team. Turns out that was
true, at least with respect to their potential on the pitch. I maintained that
I shortchanged these ladies on their looks. Promotions all around.
“Storia della bellaza – With Umberto Eco Vicey”
(Part X)
Why undertake such a
time-consuming and über-thoughtful rethink? Because it remains all in the eye
of the beholder, people. How can an overworked Shadow Scholar desperately
grasping for free time possibly be expected to put together a even remotely
factual segment on female footballers. The answer? He can’t come anywhere
close. I write not such words not to placate a few haughty female readers who
can’t spell, can’t type, and can’t even manage to put a coherent sentence
together. Hell with that.
Nevertheless, it remains a
relevant use of my limited time to remind everyone how subjectively dynamic the
subject of beauty is. Consider our highly regarded Dutch Dames. Lieke Martens
initially earned a 9.4. If you saw this picture of her, you’d write her off as
the chubby chick who sat next to you in your Trig Class.
Hmmm…who’s that frumpy little ugly
duckling? Surely this can’t be the same girl
So she’s done up in one picture
you might argue. Don’t jump to conclusions. She looks good in uniform too.
Perfect Ten. What about Danielle
van de Donk, Vicey. Seems like a pretty average looking woman to me:
Sorry, but she earns Perfect Ten
Status here:
http://bin617-01.website-voetbal.nl/sites/onsoranje.nl/files/imagecache/spelerfoto_groot/FKXC84D.png
Why is Leonne Stentler so high?
What’s so special about this?
Well…what about the regal beauty
obvious here:
or here:
My point isn’t that people take
bad pictures, have bad hair days, occasionally gain/lose weight, or stumble
into the right/wrong lighting….although that does adequately explain why one
can’t take ONE picture with most girls without having to delete at least 34,213
others. The point isn’t even that one shouldn’t focus on outward aesthetic
beauty.
The point, if indeed I still have one, is that all of our beauty remains ephemeral. An OBJECT of beauty relies upon the recognition bestowed upon it during one fleeting moment. By contrast an UNDERSTANDING of beauty cannot be achieved without a requisite investment of time and thought.
The point, if indeed I still have one, is that all of our beauty remains ephemeral. An OBJECT of beauty relies upon the recognition bestowed upon it during one fleeting moment. By contrast an UNDERSTANDING of beauty cannot be achieved without a requisite investment of time and thought.
I’ll explain what I mean. No, I’m
not on drugs in case anyone is wondering. No, I haven’t been drinking the Erich
Fromm Kool-Aid either. I can provide arbitrary numerical designations based on
a bit of rudimentary Internet research. I can discover even more beauty after watching
some of the girls in action. Take note that the better players keep rising.
That’s what inflates the rankings (along with the Big Flats). I still miss A HELLUVA LOT. Just like any other imperfect human being, I’m liable to automatically edit out all the beauty that sits directly underneath my nose. That’s all I wanted to say.
That’s what inflates the rankings (along with the Big Flats). I still miss A HELLUVA LOT. Just like any other imperfect human being, I’m liable to automatically edit out all the beauty that sits directly underneath my nose. That’s all I wanted to say.
Well…that AND…should you ever
consider yourself underappreciated or outright ignored, know that the eye of
some beholder is out there somewhere. Eventually that eye will find you…maybe
even after having ignored you for years ; )
England (3 games played, 3
goals, 1 point)
That’s all she wrote, Hope.
RESIGN! I can’t watch this country fail miserably anymore. Another year.
Another team with 400 combined International Caps takes a nosedive. Why must
England always lose? I’ve read this book front-to-back and I’m still nowhere
close to a definitive answer:
This is just too depressing. Let’s
talk about the girls.
England—2011
Rankings
Eniola
Aluko
|
9.8
|
Sophie
Bradley
|
9.0
|
Alex
Scott
|
8.6
|
Rachel
Yankey
|
8.4
|
Stephanie
Houghton
|
8.0
|
Karen
Carney
|
7.8
|
Claire
Rafferty
|
7.7
|
Rachel
Unitt
|
7.5
|
Jessica
Clarke
|
7.2
|
Faye
White
|
7.0
|
Kelly
Smith
|
6.5
|
Karen
Bardsley
|
5.6
|
Casey
Stoney
|
5.5
|
Ellen
White
|
5.4
|
Fara
Williams
|
5.3
|
Dunia
Susi
|
5.2
|
Anita
Asante
|
5.1
|
Jill
Scott
|
5.0
|
Laura
Bassett
|
4.6
|
England—INITIAL 2013 Rankings
Eniola
Aluko
|
10.0
|
Sophie
Bradley
|
9.6
|
Gemma Bonner
|
9.5
|
Alex
Scott
|
9.2
|
Rachel
Yankey
|
9.0
|
Stephanie
Houghton
|
8.9
|
Karen
Carney
|
8.5
|
Jade Moore
|
8.5
|
Toni Duggan
|
8.4
|
Jordan Nobbs
|
8.3
|
Jessica
Clarke
|
8.0
|
Kelly
Smith
|
7.6
|
Karen
Bardsley
|
7.4
|
Casey
Stoney
|
7.1
|
Ellen
White
|
7.0
|
Fara
Williams
|
6.8
|
Dunia
Susi
|
6.8
|
Anita
Asante
|
6.7
|
Jill
Scott
|
6.7
|
England—2013 Rankings (Revised Page One Rewrite)
Eniola Aluko
|
10.0
|
Sophie Bradley
|
9.6
|
Gemma Bonner
|
9.5
|
Alex Scott
|
9.3
|
Rachel Yankey
|
9.3
|
Jordan Nobbs
|
8.8
|
Casey Stoney
|
8.5
|
Karen Carney
|
8.0
|
Jessica Clarke
|
8.0
|
Kelly Smith
|
8.0
|
Ellen White
|
8.0
|
Karen Bardsley
|
7.4
|
Jade Moore
|
7.3
|
Fara Williams
|
7.3
|
Dunia Susi
|
7.2
|
Anita Asante
|
6.7
|
Toni Duggan
|
6.7
|
Jill Scott
|
6.7
|
Steph Houghton
|
6.0
|
Some demotions to report one. I’ve
become less enamored with Steph Houghton, Karen Carney, Jade Moore, and Toni
Duggan. Rachel Yankey, Alex Scott, Casey Stoney, Fara Williams, and Dunia Susi
are on the rise.
“Storia della bellaza – With
Umberto Eco Peter Weis” (Part XI)
Time to discuss Eniola Aluko and
what precisely makes black so beautiful. To begin with, I must emphasize that
it’s NOT THE HAIR!!
Here’s Eniola with a sweated
conch:
Here she is with some nappy
braids:
Here she is short and unkempt:
And you can also check her out
long and styled:
I acknowledge that whatever
argument I’m building towards faces the fundamental flaw that I can’t find her
rocking a fro. It’s always been my contention that black girls should let their
hair grow wild and avoid makeup at all costs. I don’t want anything tarnishing
that pure regal beauty. It would appear that Eniola isn’t quite ready for that
yet…and I’ve no choice but to forgive her. ;) ;)
To broach the topic of skin tone
when discussing beauty borders on the sacrilege. I couldn’t care less if a girl
has a few pimples, a touch of eczema, or a blotch here and there. No need to
spend all of your money on foundational makeup and tanning salons, ladies.
That’s not what’s important. I wouldn’t be honest, however, if I didn’t concede
a peculiar fascination with women of the deeply dark persuasion. Light-skinned
blacks can charm and enchant just as well….but look at this woman!!!
She looks as if her face was
chiseled from a piece of obsidian! It’s almost as if Michelangelo himself took
a rock hammer to a piece of volcanic glass!
Okay, okay. My strange infatuation
with “Midnight Black” mostly has to do with its exotic horizontal distance from
what I see when I look in the mirror. It has a lot to do with Randy Crawford as
well. My all-time favorite soul singer was also dark as night. That made her
gleaming white smile all the more captivating.
Russia (3 games played, 3
goals, 2 points)
Thank goodness the drawing of lots
ended up yielding a just result. Denmark should have gone through on goal
differential. Introducing chance into the equation was uncalled for. Well done,
“karma police”…wherever or whatever you happen to be.
Seriously. DRAWING LOTS? When did
we arrive in Danny Boyle’s “Shallow Grave”? Okay..enough. Sergei Lavryentov
mismanaged “Pussy Riot” from the opening match. What sort of tone does it set
when the trainer yanks the starting left bank and her go-to midfielder in the
35th minute? You a’int Putin, Sergei. You don’t pull priceless Greek
treasure out of the sea and guide Cranes back to their natural habitat!
After humiliating Medved and
Savchenkova, he then started them in the subsequent match. Unsurprisingly, they
played like frightened children. In spite of Terekova’s obvious inability to
best Carney on the right wing, he stuck with her for a full 93 minutes.
Something clearly had to change along that Petrova-Sidorvskaya-Tysbutovich axis, but he left it untouched coming into the crucial Spain match. Finally, no adequate explanation suffices for only using TWO substitutions as the Ruskies fight for their tournament lives came down to the wire. Bessalova for Sochneva in the 58th…..and we were done? Where was Shlyapina? She’s scored 23 goals in 55 caps!
Something clearly had to change along that Petrova-Sidorvskaya-Tysbutovich axis, but he left it untouched coming into the crucial Spain match. Finally, no adequate explanation suffices for only using TWO substitutions as the Ruskies fight for their tournament lives came down to the wire. Bessalova for Sochneva in the 58th…..and we were done? Where was Shlyapina? She’s scored 23 goals in 55 caps!
Entirely too hot with the initial
audacious moves, then entirely too frigid and calculating with a lack of
creativity down the stretch. I’m not even talking about the Russian women
yet….though I’m about to.
Russia— INITIAL 2013 Rankings
Elivira Todua
|
9.7
|
Olga Petrova
|
9.3
|
Nelli Korovkina
|
9.2
|
Natalia Pertseva
|
9.0
|
Anastasia Kostyukova
|
8.6
|
Natalia Shlyapina
|
8.3
|
Ksenia Tsybutovich
|
8.0
|
Ekaterina Sochneva
|
7.7
|
Maria Dyatchkova
|
7.3
|
Elena Medved
|
7.0
|
Russia—2013 (Revised Page One Rewrite)
Elivira Todua
|
9.7
|
Olga Petrova
|
9.3
|
Nelli Korovkina
|
9.5
|
Natalia Pertseva
|
9.0
|
Anastasia Kostyukova
|
8.6
|
Natalia Shlyapina
|
8.3
|
Ksenia Tsybutovich
|
8.0
|
Ekaterina Sochneva
|
7.7
|
Maria Dyatchkova
|
7.3
|
Elena Medved
|
7.6
|
Alla Sidorovskaya
|
5.4
|
Daria Makarenko
|
5.2
|
Elena Therekova
|
5.0
|
Yulia Gordeeva
|
5.0
|
Some new names to report. A few
promotions as well. What can I say? I still can’t find quality data on a full
1/6 of the roster. The highly logical explanation for this is that I can’t type
in Cyrillic. Sorry. I try to type these girls’ westernized names into Internet
Search Engines and all I get are pouty, wannabe-Russian-mail-order brides
giving me the “come hither” look. Sorry, girls. Just up to a bit of sketchy
football research. No husband here. I can’t even afford half of your plane
ticket!
“Storia della bellaza – With
Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XII)
Keeper Elvira Todua possesses a
distinctly Russian face:
I know what you’re thinking. You
falsely assume that, when she’s not plotting to kidnap you, she’s a cold
automaton that doesn’t give a shit. This blank stare is often the default
facial expression of Russian/Slavic women. As it so happens, it doesn’t
necessarily mean they don’t give a shit.
Here she is NOT looking at you as
if the interrogation session is about to begin:
Oops. Not the best example. Nope!
The interrogation session is in full swing there. Let’s try again:
Hmmm…like the half smile, but I
still have the sense she’s attempting to pry me open by the neck and suck
whatever passes for my soul out with laser beams she emits from her eyes.
C’mon, girl. How about a smile?
I said SMILE!!!
Awww…there we are. That dog
doesn’t look as if it’s about to become lunch at all! See? She’s got a softer
side to her! Maybe she’s tender after all…or maybe she wants to tenderize the
Pomeranian.
Okay. Here’s what to take way from
all of this guys: Russian Women are nothing to be afraid of. They’re merely
house an unfathomably deep soul. They are the guardians of a dark subterranean
abyss that claws away at their hearts. That’s enough for them to deal with. Why
would they want to eat your soul when they already possess too much of one to
begin with? Everything will be
alright. Isn’t that correct, “Elvira Angel”?
I rest my case.
Ramble On, Vicey
--How far behind have I gotten
over the course of this bustling Summer? Well…I managed to tidy up the squalid
den that was my office…somewhat. I still can’t tell you anything about the
Morsi Coup, because I HAVEN’T READ ONE SENTENCE about it. Unbelievable. The
most significant geopolitical event all year and I know nothing. Sorry, but
this happens to be the type of shit that leads to me to wake up screaming at
3:30 a.m.
THE TEST?! I’M GOING TO FAIL THE
TEST!!!
--Rambling Aficionados will recall
that my struggles to find halfway decent streamed music to type along to dates
back to this Winter:
From CAN 2013--Quarterfinals
--Sitting
down to sling out a few arrows of thought, the first one that surfaces concerns
the inability to find a decent online electronic trance radio station. By this
I mean, could I possibly beseech someone out there in the ether to SIMPLY PLAY
SOME UNINTERRUPTED UPBEAT TRANCE?!? I’m on my fourth station thus far, and haven’t
gone so much as a minute without having to listen to some accented DJ bursting
in:
“Hey..hey..it’s
Jochaim von Schwarzlaugenschmelze and YOU..are in…DA MIX!”
Shut
the fuck up. I know where I am…and I was doing just fine until you showed up!
If
they’re not shamelessly plugging themselves, they interrupt to string together
a bunch or irreverent and redundant information.
“Yes,
yes…high energy…energy techno…spinning the tables for you’re high energy dance
energy Friday night party. Out of control. ENERGY!”
This
shit doesn’t happen on the classical channel.
“Hey..hey…it’s
BACH! Baroque, baroque, baroque. Lot’s of stings. There’s even a French Horn in
there somewhere. Twenty-minute bass-solo. Baroque!”
I’ve been trying to take a new tact and it’s proven a
spectacular failure. “Hey,” I can remember thinking, “I’m a 90s child, why
don’t I listen to the 1990s Hits Station?”
Because the 1990s sucked. That’s
why. We generated enough R & B Trash to make Cameo look like high art. 112,
Will Smith, Toni Braxton, Keith Sweat, Monica, Aaliyah. “Tony! Toni! Tone”,
“SWV”, Usher and Jodeci. Ugh. What the fuck were we thinking?
I’ll admit to being somewhat
pleased to hear En Vogue, Mariah Carey, TLC, Salt-n-Pepa, Lauren Hill, and
Erakya Badu once again, but what the hell were we ever doing listening to Boyz
II Men?!?!? For fuck’s sake, EVERY last song had to have an interlude. Look it
up if you don’t believe me. EVERY LAST FUCKING SONG!
“Baby…..I just wanted you to
know…that it seems like we’re making too much war and not enough love….yeah.”
Not that I necessarily mean to
rail on hip hop. NO NIRVANA SONGS SHOULD EVER BE PLAYED AGAIN. EVER. The same
applies to anything off of Pearl Jam’s “Ten”, The Red Hot Chili Pepper’s “Blood
Sugar Sex Magik”, Green Day’s “Dookie”, Rage against the Machine’s “Evil
Empire”, Soundgarden’s “Superunknown”, or Bush’s “Sixteen Stones”. Talented
enough artists, but enough of the “breakthrough songs”. Can’t listen to them
anymore.
…and don’t get me started on
anything from Third Eye Blind or the Foo Fighters.
Let it go, people. These tunes had
their day. NO TIME TO LOOK BACK. Take the advice of the Talking Heads. What
time is it? NO TIME TO LOOK BACK.
No sense in wasting time
attempting to polish a turd. The 1990s SUCKED.
--If any Syndicate Members are
interested in getting a glimpse of what their Schwag Packs might look like, I
find myself oddly intrigued by some of the Women’s Euro 2013 artwork:
Sharp looking stuff. Anyone
looking to spruce up the living room?
No more rambling for now. Time to
hit up the lines.
My Updated Stats—
Spread: 4-12
Straight up: 4-6-6
Hehehe. These stats SUCK. That doesn’t mean I didn’t just
take all of you for my THIRD most profitable round of all time. The stats may
suck, but all of you remain my suckers….my beloved and prized suckers ;);)
Something worth another note:
ATTENTION MEMBERS:
“EARLY DELIVERY LINES”
You know full well what happens when lines are set 3-4 days
in advance. Things change. Injuries occur. Players fail fitness tests. Too much
money comes in on one side and your friendly bookie has to move the line.
As the Dude himself would put it, “New shit comes to light”. I do believe everyone knows that bets are taken on a “first come, first serve basis”. We emphasize that at the onset of every syndicate. If I may make an educated guess, almost every syndicate member has had to deal with a roving line at one point or another.
As the Dude himself would put it, “New shit comes to light”. I do believe everyone knows that bets are taken on a “first come, first serve basis”. We emphasize that at the onset of every syndicate. If I may make an educated guess, almost every syndicate member has had to deal with a roving line at one point or another.
Consider yourself warned. These lines are essentially
guaranteed to move. If you want action you’ll have to show some early traction.
Sunday
Sweden vs. Iceland
vs. 
Time to go home, dottirs. We’ve very much enjoyed your
company, but the Swedes are firing on all cylinders. I expect a robust effort,
but there’s little that can hope to stand in the way of a confident Schelin and
a braver Asllani. It merits mention that Katrin Jonsdottir’s defensive prowess
is a spectacle to behold.
It’s also worth noting that Brynjarsdottir and Sara Björk Gunnarsdottir do some spectacular work in midfield. Guobjörg Gunnarsdottir serves as a fine keeper. Margaret Lara Vioarsdottir shows a brave nose for goal. Rakel Hönnusdottir knows how to cross, as does Holmsfriour Magnusdottir.
It’s also worth noting that Brynjarsdottir and Sara Björk Gunnarsdottir do some spectacular work in midfield. Guobjörg Gunnarsdottir serves as a fine keeper. Margaret Lara Vioarsdottir shows a brave nose for goal. Rakel Hönnusdottir knows how to cross, as does Holmsfriour Magnusdottir.
Told you, I’d catch up with you “Ice Princesses”. Give a man
a just a little but of time and he’ll find out all sorts of things. For instance, I now know that Sara
Björk Gunnarsdottir is kind of hot. Fanndis Friorkisdottir isn’t half bad
either. Holmsfrior Magnusdottir has the goods and Harpa Porsteinsdottir knows how to shake the goods.
See? I’m learning! I’m still not picking you. The Swedish
Steamroller will iron you out like a flatkaka. Nice to meet you. If you’re ever
interested in creating a “Viceydottir”, you let me know. ;):)
Schelin, Fischer, Öqvist, and Schelin again.
Projected Lineups:
“The Ice Daughters” (4-2-2-2)
M. Vioarsdottir R. Hönnudottir
|
Holmsfriour
Magnussdottir Fanndis
Friorkisdottir
|
Dagny
Brynjarsdottir Sara Björk Gunnarsdotir
|
H.
Gisladottir K. Jonsdottir G.
Viggosdottir D. Lottusdotir
|
Guobjörg Gunnuarsdottir
|
“The Swedish Steamroller” (4-4-2)
Lotta Schelin
Kosovare Asllani
|
Caroline Seger Josephine Öqvist
|
M. Hammarström Lisa Dahlkvist
|
S. Thunebro
N. Fischer C. Rohlin J. Samuelsson
|
Kirstin Hammaström
|
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes—3 to 1
Penalty Shootout—4 to 1
THE
LINE: Sweden +2 Goals
Italy vs. Deutschland
vs. 
(Motherland vs. Fatherland)
I haven’t been able to reap a sizeable profit from you proud
Wops in over three years! No matter how much trash I talk, you always come
through like Berlusconi on blow. This time things will turn out differently.
I’ll have my revenge, albeit on a significantly smaller scale. I know I can rely
on a few of you to put your soul (and cash) on the table, but the vast majority
of you will go right on living your menial lives, oblivious to the fact that
German girls will stealthily steal back a small smidgen of pride.
Auf Geht’s Mädels!
Cabrini was clearly playing the long game when he shockingly
opted to bench Panico, Camporese, Gabbiadini, Stracchi, Tuttino, and Bartoli
for the Sweden match. He’ll regret not having given Manieri the day off too.
She can’t have too many more looping crosses left in her legs after 270
minutes. Ianella is likely tiring out as well. The re-constituted triplicate
striker formation will undoubtedly give us Krauts cause for concern. Panico and
Gabbiadini were ultimately allowed to keep themselves plugged in as late substitutions.
Their legs looked fresh and their ideas appeared solid. There will be plenty of nervy moments in this one. It remains questionable, however, that Stracchi and Parisi will be able to muscle the midfield away from Maroszan and Keßler. Even in defeat they demonstrated the presence of mind to grab nearly three-quarters of the loose balls. Should they have difficulty performing, Gößling and Laudehr remain available.
Their legs looked fresh and their ideas appeared solid. There will be plenty of nervy moments in this one. It remains questionable, however, that Stracchi and Parisi will be able to muscle the midfield away from Maroszan and Keßler. Even in defeat they demonstrated the presence of mind to grab nearly three-quarters of the loose balls. Should they have difficulty performing, Gößling and Laudehr remain available.
Time to take a deep breath and conjure up some faith in Lena
Lotzen and Melanie Leupholz. They should prove capable of regulating flow on
the flanks. The same applies to Leone Maier. In spite of her overly cautious
hesitation to run forward, Maier should bounce back well enough to keep
matters intriguing on the left. What a terrible job by Lousia Wensing filling
in for the suspended Jennifer Cramer on the right. No bother. Cramer will be
back….and I can’t believe I’m excited to write that sentence.
The game-plan remains fairly straightforward. Get some early
through balls ahead for da Mbabi. If she can’t finish, Mittag, Bajramaj, and
Behringer need to be inserted immediately after the restart. We’ll find
ourselves in deep shit if we can’t secure an early lead. Parisi’s distributive
potential will grow more lethal by the minute. Get it going early, Mädels.
Let’s wrap this one up before Stracchi and Gabbiadini have a chance to link up
laterally.
Projected Lineups:
“La Azzuri Bene” (4-3-3)
Sandy Ianella Patrizia Panico Melania Gabbiadini
|
Alice Parisi Alessia Tuttino
|
Daniela Stracchi
|
Raffaella Manieri R. D’Adda C. Salvai Elisa Bartoli
|
Chiara Marchitelli
|
“Feuchgebiete” (4-2-3-1)
Celia
Okoyino da Mbabi
|
Melanie Leupholz Dzensifer Maroszan Lena
Lotzen
|
Lena Gößling Nadine
Keßler
|
Leone Maier
Saskia Bartusiak Annike
Krahn Jennifer Cramer
|
Nadine Angerer
|
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight up
Penalty Shootout—2 to 1
THE
LINE: Deutschland +1 Goal
Monday
Norway vs. Spain
vs. 
The top-notch form of Elixabet Ibarra, Veronica Boquete, and Adrianna Martin should definitely concern the Grasshoppers. Boquete and Adrianna in particular might have grabbed braces against the Ruskies were it not for the woodwork. One has to love how Adriana threads in all those useful balls to Calderon, Putellas, and Meseguer.
It ain’t exactly “El-tiki-taka” but the female Furia Roja feature potentially dangerous short-passing prowess. Sonia Bermudez, Marta Torrejon, and Irene Parades have teed up their forwards quite effectively. Jennifer Hermoso directs midfield traffic splendidly in addition to constituting a long-range threat.
Do we have ourselves some “Cinderella Candidates”?
Potentially, though it’s hard to visualize Quereda’s side being able to
continually deny the Norwegians on set-pieces. The T-shirt clad Even Pellerud
may have no clue how to dress, but he clearly knows how to run a team.
His curious decision to employ six changes against the mighty Germans (Haavi, Dekkerhus, Thornses, Ims, Berge, and Lund) at first appeared deranged. Only when the Norse Beauties were awarded some spot kicks did the strategy emerge: Forget attempting to penetrate the Krauts up the gut. Pellerud brought in his snipers!
His curious decision to employ six changes against the mighty Germans (Haavi, Dekkerhus, Thornses, Ims, Berge, and Lund) at first appeared deranged. Only when the Norse Beauties were awarded some spot kicks did the strategy emerge: Forget attempting to penetrate the Krauts up the gut. Pellerud brought in his snipers!
Emile Haavi (who we all know I was very happy to see ;)
launched a missile that Angerer could only miraculously punch clear. Other
comets came courtesy of Dekkerhus and Berge. Pellerud has many weapons at his
disposal. The Grasshoppers more closely resemble three teams than one. Should
Pellerund require a width-based attack, he can start Hegland and Caroline Grahm
Hansen.
If circumstances call for something more spear-tipped, he can place Isaksen and Gulbrandsen directly in back of Hegerberg. Finally, if the only way through is to lob long, hopeful balls on frame and hope for the best Haavi and Dekkerhus may be utilized on the right flank and left central midfield respectively.
If circumstances call for something more spear-tipped, he can place Isaksen and Gulbrandsen directly in back of Hegerberg. Finally, if the only way through is to lob long, hopeful balls on frame and hope for the best Haavi and Dekkerhus may be utilized on the right flank and left central midfield respectively.
Before heaping too much praise on this beach-bum-clad coach,
however, we must bear in mind that he’s free to pick the WRONG team, just as he
against Iceland and the Netherlands. An accurate lineup prognostication proves
exceedingly difficult at this juncture. That’s why we have a pick.
I reiterate: Only early traction will get you some action.
Projected Lineups:
“The Norse Grasshoppers” (4-3-3)
Kristine Hegland Ada Hegerberg Emile Haavi
|
Ingvild Stensland Solveig Gulbrandsen
|
Ingvild Isaksen
|
T. H. Akerhaugen T.B. Rønning M.F. Christensen M. Mjelde
|
Ingrid Hjelmseth
|
“La Roja Bella” (4-4-1-1)
Veronica
Boquette
|
Jennifer Hermoso
|
A. Putellas S. Meseguer S. Villanova N. Calderon
|
Elixabet Ibarra Irene Parades Ruth Garcia Marta Torrejon
|
Ainhoa Tirapu
|
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight up
Penalty Shootout—Straight up
THE
LINE: Pick em’
France vs. Denmark
vs. 
Kudos to the “Algerian Angel” Louisa Necib on her 100th International Cap. How huge has she been for the Femme Fatales? She directly set up one goal in the opening match, assisted another in the victory over Spain, and contributed another goal and assist during the England rout. What hip injury? The girl looks as fit as ever to me.
Necib remains the beating heart of a ridiculously talented
Bleaus team that supplies lethal attacks from literally every direction. Camile
Abily and Marie Laure-Delie can easily tear your central defense to pieces.
Elise Bussaglia and Gaethene Thiney can rip your fullbacks to shreds. Should
set pieces come into play, virtually no one can hope to compete with Wendy
Renard, Laura Georges, or Corine Franco aerially. It would come as a great
shock should these slick temptresses fail to glide all the way to the final on
cruise control. What, if anything, can Kenneth Heiner-Møller and the Danish
Dames do to stop them?
The pesky penisulars have practically no choice but to close
ranks at the back and hope for some meaningful opportunities off the counter.
This essentially means returning to the tactics they employed in the opening
round against Sweden.
From “FEM 2013—Round Two”
It was
a serviceable enough goal, but what’s up with this clusterfuck in midfield.
Gajhede, Ørntoft, Katrine Pedersen, Sofia Pedersen, Hansen, and Nadim all
appear to be occupying a patch of pitch smaller than my squalid Berlin studio
apartment. The strategy looks to be: Clog up the defensive third and play as
boring as possible. This crew plays football about as exciting as “National
Firewood Night” One might as well say that the Danish Dames are engaging in a
bit of “logjamming”. Who’s coaching this team? Jackie Treehorn?
First of all, thanks and a shout out to the Synidcate Member
who wrote to remind me that “National Firewood Night” actually airs in Norway,
not Denmark. I was actually aware of this, but the parallels to the Lebowski
reference where simply too salacious to ignore. In any event, I’ll always
appreciate corrections : ) Secondly, the allusion to Jackie Treehorn’s
“Logjammin’” has to be our 10,000th Lebowski reference of the
compiled Sportsbook…..or at least that’s what I’m prepared to say.
No one’s going back through all of that crap to check, especially not me ; ) Happy 10,000th Reference Everyone.
No one’s going back through all of that crap to check, especially not me ; ) Happy 10,000th Reference Everyone.
Logjammin or no, the Danes cannot escape ze fact that zere’s
something wrong mit dem Kabel (10,001!!). Hansen and Ørntoft have logged too
many minutes. All the Gauloises Gals have to do is break through that defensive
arrangement once and the whole game plan goes out the window. We’re talking 35
minutes, give or take.
Projected Lineups:
“The Gauloises Gals” (4-2-2-2)
Louisa Necib
Marie Laure-Deli
|
Gaëthine Thiney
Camile Abily
|
Sadrine Soubreyrand Elise
Bussaglia
|
Laure
Bolleau Wendy Renard Laura Georges Corine Franco
|
Celine Deville
|
“Olsen’s Ho’s” (4-1-2-3)
J. Rasmussen Pernille Harder Nadia Nadim
|
Sofie Jung Pedersen Katrine Pedersen
|
Marian Gajhede Knudsen
|
Mia Brogaard L.R. Hansen C. Ørntoft T. Nielsen
|
S.L Pedersen
|
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---5 Goals
120 Minutes—2 to 1
Penalty Shootout—3 to 1
THE
LINE: France +3 Goals
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
