FEM 2013--Round Two

Salutations Syndicate Members,

Today’s decidedly more “up-tempo” offerings notwithstanding, I must vent my frustrations.

I’m legitimately fuming!! What the ovulating fuck is this, ladies?

How in the hell can you open a tournament with FOUR consecutive draws, two of which were goalless?! YOU’RE KILLING ME. The world was just treated to a high-octane goal-fest produced by male reserves whose were mostly just fooling around. Now you have the stage all to yourselves. It’s officially your turn to shine and you’re BLOWING IT!!

Aaaach!! How can you possibly deliver such a lethargic start? Has a full month of team training led everyone’s’ menstrual cycles to sync up? You girls are playing tighter than a bunch of twelve-year-old Methodists. This isn’t real women’s football. Hell, it doesn’t even resemble football of any sort.

I’m a patient man, ladies. Eleven years of acting as a Football Apologist enables one to hone such virtues. Still, you haven’t even supplied us with a ONE dazzling effort, let alone a goal worth discussing. You dishonor one of your more enthusiast proponents. I want nothing more than to berate the world for ignoring your gorgeous game…..but you have to give me SOMETHING!!

Either get moving or get naked!! Sigh. Okay. That’s enough. This bookie was nearly late to sow up to your tournament. After mistakenly assuming that the festivities would kick off next week, I found myself scrambling to piece something together over a marathon, sleep-deprived session earlier this week. I came through at the last moment.

It will take yet more time for the syndicate members to catch up and get rolling. Ditto other football devotees across the globe. Even the most avid of pitch partisans need a few more days before realizing that there’s a tournament going on. I suppose if you were to get some adversity out of your system, it’s best that you so early. I forgive you. I pardon you. Sorry I yelled at you, baby. You know I love you; )

A few halfway decent riffs have begun to trickle in. We’re nowhere near the caliber of female hate mail that may (fingers crossed) produce wondrously irreverent Simmons-Style Mailbag somewhere down the line. But we still have this…..

E-mail Riff of the Day

(Presumably) Female Reader: You write like a man who hasn’t had a steady girlfriend in years.

Vicey: Bwahahaha. You got me, sweetheart! It’s called freedom, and I happen to enjoy it ;) At this point, I begin to wonder if there will ever be a future “Lady Vice” (defined as a companion who passed the “Three Month Thresh-hold”.) Another year of grueling Shadow Scholar work has served to further peculiarize my tastes in love. I sometimes harbor fantasies of meeting a razor-sharp female wordsmith who frequently barges into my office shrieking, “Vicey, what the hell is this feeble crap you banged out last night? I DEMAND HIGHER QUALITY MATERIAL!!”

A guy can dream, can’t he? Er….let me know if you’re interested in submitting an application ;)

 Two administrative clarifications to take care of. First, the acronym “FEM 2013” stands for “Frauen-Europa-Meistershaft”. I certainly wouldn’t anyone to have the impression that I’m striving to be an even dirtier old man. It doesn’t work that way ; )

Next, the selection of the title “Syndicate X-2” has absolutely nothing to with Roman numerals. Thanks to those of you who cleverly sought to correct my aggregate count. This is the FOURTEENTH published syndicate. Thanks for noticing. The Title “X-2” actually harkens back to an obscure video game reference. I cannot delve into further explanations without going into further detail about what life was like for lonely romantic males growing up in the 90s.

Ahem…we required succor. We pined for fantastical worlds to explore; we yearned for an artificial universe in which we might be rendered a hero of some sort. We needed to feel as if our methodical nature might be rewarded in some alternate dimension. Our desire to attain pride through complete immersion in tasks of negligible importance might have gone unfulfilled, were it not for the brilliant programming of Japanese Video Game Programmers.

They spent the formative years of their lives writing monotonous code. Their meticulous coding fashioned us a completely synthetic universe in which we could play. Play we did. We tore through the Final Fantasy Saga, the Xenogears Yarn, the Legend(s) of Zelda, the Metal Gear Chronicles, The Silent Hill Epic, the Mortal Kombat Opera, all twelve of the Mega Man games, and all 56 installments of the “Dragon Warrior” Games.

Along the way we made the acquaintance of even more interesting serials. We met the Resident Evil Franchise, the Dark Cloud Multi-verse, the Grand Theft Auto Dynasty, and everything that Sid Meier ever thought about while taking a long shit.

We were “gamers”. We weren’t merely secularly blessed enough to live in the rich Western World, we were undeniably fortunate enough to grow up in a land that provided us an outlet for our imagination; one that didn’t involve dangerous drugs or illicit sex. We were gifted an innocuous hobby. : ) : )

The “Final Fantasy Series” reached its utopian apex in 2002 with the advent of “Final Fantasy X”. After Tidus proved a more astute and unselfish hero than Squall, the Japs essentially said, “We give up”. Their subsequent product served as a reminder to all of us dorks that we should grow up and get a real girlfriend. “Final Fantasy X-2” taunted us; taunted us with…..whatever the hell this was supposed to mean…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiXcL06P3ko

Confessions from a “recovering gamer”. Now you know.      

 

Sifting through the 2011 Sportsbook, the segment I TRULY wished revive was “Storia della Bellaza with Umberto Eco Peter Weis”. In this retroactive bit, I invested a great deal of thought in defining the many nuanced attributes of feminine beauty. It was woefully romantic and sickeningly sweet. Unfortunately, the downright disappointing play of these girls fails to inspire. I’m just not in the mood to light the candles and put on the Coltrane….at least not yet. Perhaps I will be before long. For now, we’ll all have to settle for the reintroduction of a more acerbic segment. Ahem….announcing the return of

“Vicey Yells at Women” (whilst simultaneously ranking all twelve countries)

1) France

Well done, Gauloises Gals. You’re number one! Nice debuts from Thiney, Le Sommer, Bussaglia, Franco, and Necib. Renard and Georges made some embarrassing, defensive errors, but you looked solid from start to finish. I’m not mad. Nevertheless, I’ll maintain that Marie Laure-Delie’s brace wasn’t much to write home about. Le Sommer’s goal proved similarly unspectacular. We need magic, ma cherie! More magic!

2) Spain

Wow. It may not have been the most elegant fixture, but my scorching senoritas leave me all pumped up. Watch out everyone. The Spaniards aim to make their presence known at every level of international football. Adriana Martin dictates tempo in a Schweinsteiger-eque fashion. Absolutely loved Jennifer Hermoso’s fabulous finish off the volley. In spite of the snarky feedback I got on Veronica Boquete, she remains a “Perfect Ten” in my eyes.

They can still stand to do better. Ibarra and Ruth Garcia have enough innate talent to engineer a female version of “El-Tiki-Taka”. That’s what we need to see.

3 Iceland

I offer heartfelt apologies for the mini-rant I unleashed during the Primer Section:

“Well….this is happening. Speaking of tiny countries, a worthless piece of volcanic rock that just under 400,000 stubborn inbred individuals call home has somehow managed to field a woman’s football team. I don’t even have time to opine on the women here. THAT….is not happening. Everyone give a warm welcome to this tournament’s doormat. The Confederations Cup had Tahiti. We’ve got Iceland; a country that sent one soldier to Iraq as part of the “Coalition of the Willing.”

Sorry girls. It was pure laziness that led me to effectively skip over you as if you were some worthless backwater like Mississippi. I fucked up. You have no much to offer this tournament. Your striking beauty AND striking prowess shall henceforth not be overlooked! Trouble is, it will take me time to sort through the tangled, sordid mess that is your surnames. You’re all named Dóttir! I’m not kidding. Have I stumbled into some sort of comically devised RPG dwarf village? I can’t reasonably be expected to differentiate between you right away. Give me time. I’ll get to you when I can. I do have a job, you know.

4) Denmark

Yes, yes. It was a serviceable enough goal, but what’s up with this clusterfuck in midfield. Gajhede, Ørntoft, Katrine Pedersen, Sofia Pedersen, Hansen, and Nadim all appear to be occupying a patch of pitch smaller than my squalid Berlin studio apartment.

The strategy looks to be: Clog up the defensive third and play as boring as possible. This crew plays football about as exciting as “National Firewood Night” One might as well say that the Danish Dames are engaging in a bit of “logjamming”. Who’s coaching this team? Jackie Treehorn? 

5) Norway

Well…..It wasn’t ALL bad. Saw some nice dribbling from Kristine Hegland and Caroline Grahm Hansen. They’re quite the talented duo, capable of gliding across the pitch and sweeping past defenders with ease. Nerves ultimately appeared to get the better of them as their long crosses for Ada Hegerberg were too sloppy to engender any real magic. This bookie actually liked what he saw from the grasshoppers in the first 60 minutes.

Then, like so may other teams in this competition, they opted to quit. The final half-hour was genuinely awful. I refuse to believe that these women are suffering from fitness problems. Female footballers are often capable of greater endurance stretches than men….on the pitch and in the dark. The lateral play of the women’s game even gives them a slight advantage when going the full 90. The simple fact remains: These girls quit on me! Don’t quit on Vicey! It’s 90 minutes or bust!

Other than this lack of heart, I found Even Pellerund’s poor utilization of her three substitutions to be rather disconcerting. She showed no initiative to seal the match. Granted, I’m somewhat infatuated with striker Emile Haavi and found myself emotionally sullen when she wasn’t introduced. Okay. I’m biased. Her fresh (not to mention very fetching legs) could have doubled the tally. Don’t quit on Vicey!

6) Sweden

Pia! What the hell is wrong with you? Twenty four months after the penalty shootout debacle against the Japanese, you still can’t seem to figure out how to train your girls in the art of taking spot kicks!

Pencil in some time on the training ground for chrissake! It would have been a convincing victory, had Schelin and Asslani not fluffed their penalties.

Overall, a thoroughly lousy performance from both strikers. Schelin looks nothing like the dominant heron-like pouncer that fought for every loose ball two years ago. Sundhage’s selection of Asllani looks like an ill-advised attempt to spare her the humiliation she suffered when Dennerby dropped her two summers ago. That’s what happens when you pick with your heart, Pia. Terrible distribution. No pace on any of her shots straight at the keeper. No hustle on the 50-50s. Get it together, girl!

Apart from having an inferior striking partner, this sorry looking 4-4-2 deprives Schelin on the width she needs. Rohlin and Fishcer looked especially weak in central defense, playing like a couple of preschoolers during that flurry of chances in the latter stages of the second half.

Oh, were art thou Jessica Landström? Not here. Hence, Sunghage has little choice but to move either Göransson or Öqvist up front and slot in Asllani as the center forward. Will it work? It had better. Rohlin and Fischer might find themselves better suited for work on the flanks. Forward impetus, ladies. Where the hell is my “Swedish Steamroller”?

7) Netherlands

Another team I unfairly skipped over:

They’ve never qualified for the Women’s World Cup. They never even qualified for the UEFA European Championship until the last tournament! No one knows anything about them…or indeed much about women in that tiny sliver of a country known as the Netherlands.

This Lieke Martins character plays like a beast. Danielle van de Donk and Kirsten van de Van aren’t half bad either. I’m also intrigued by Daphne Koster, Renee Slegers, Dyane Bito, and Sherida Spitse. Don’t write off the Flying Dutchwomen. They’ll likely go deep.

8) Finland

Sure you were outclassed. Fine. You’re essentially the Tahiti of this tournament. Kapiert. Failing to register a shot on goal? You’re road kill. Just wait until the Swedes get a hold of you.

9) England

The curse continues. Jill Scott set up a fine goal. Fara Williams and Rachel Yankey generated some nice warning shots. Eniola Aluko finished with class. Ellen White and Steph Houghton displayed heart and fire. You still just lost a game you ABSOLUTELY needed to garner three points from. Why must it always be so despairing to write about the Three Lions?

10) Italy

You call THAT football? These Wop women are about as clever as a blitzed sorostitute. No ideas. This Melania Gabbiadini hussie can’t seem to peel off anything but timid catch balls that don’t even impel the keeper to move a millimeter. Ugh.

The decrepit speculative efforts from the forward six were about as bad as I’ve ever seen. To make matters worse, the whole eleven tired out a whopping 55 minutes in and we all had to watch a bunch of hobbling harlots trotting along at a leisurely pace for the remaining half hour. For shame! Try giving a shit next time, Wopistas.

11) Deutschland

Godammit, Mädels! Was war dieses Stück Scheiße? An absolute DISGRACE. A full-scale ABOMINATION. We can’t tolerate this sort of underachieving. My Fatherland doesn’t lose the Women’s Euro!

We’ve owned this tournament most of my natural life. We’ve captured FIVE straight titles. We haven’t failed to win this competition since 1993. TWENTY FUCKING YEARS!

Whew. Mensch, did we ever look awful. Not only did the Dutch definitively dominate throughout, there are very little positives to take from this catastrophic debut. It looks as if the long reign of “Das Feuchgebiet” is over. The injuries to Kulig, Babette Peter, and Alexandra Popp will prove too much to overcome. The Mädels came nowhere close to getting in gear. The chemistry just isn’t there ; (

Where to begin? The banal attempt at some 9^th minute trickery was a fitting introduction to a match in which Neid’s set-pieces looked more disorganized than my office. Da Mbabi and Maroszan seem unready whenever lining up for free kicks. Gößling, Keßler, and Mittag delivered shitty corners all night. Lotzen did her part as well, thumping a completely pathetic ball straight into the wall.

With regard to flow, we saw some appallingly bad traffic direction from Leone Maier and Saskia Bartusiak. Jenifer Cramer’s possession and tackling SUCKED. Da Mbabi and Maroszan’s poor movement off the ball was only matched by their atrocious finishing. Their persistent hesitancy undercut at least three solid goal-scoring opportunities by this bookie’s count. Mittag’s ridiculously bad aim yielded at least a dozen winces. Is she even aware of where the net is?

Keeper Nadine Angerer bailed out the Mädels with four quality saves. Trainer Sylvia Neid surprisingly showed zero initiative with her substitutions. How can one only use two of them when confronted with a deadlocked stalemate? Laudehr for Keßler at the restart wasn’t a bad idea at all, but why did she stand pat for the entire second half? One kept waiting for her to throw in Bajramaj, Behringer, or Huth. What did she have to lose? Someone had to inject some pace! All we got was Leupholz for Lotzen in the 73^rd. LEUPHOLZ?

To broach the topic of the two penalties would only serve to get us too far off tangent. Sure, Da Mbabi should have been awarded a spot kick after being clipped in the 38^th. Of course that was a box handball in the 83^rd. Such unfortunate slights don’t obviate the reality that we played toothless. These youngsters need time to click, time to gel, time we don’t have. Schlechter Laune. We’ll get out of the group, but I don’t see us advancing past the Quarterfinals. ; ( ; (

12) Russia

There goes my “Upset Special”. Thanks for repaying my faith in you, “Pussy Riot”. How am I supposed to now profess faith in a coach willing to sub off two of his players in the 35^th (!!) minute?

I’m selling this team faster than Mohammed Morsi Stock. A “Gulag Mentality” won’t work, Sergei. You’ve already destroyed your team’s morale.

Before getting to the lines, do we have time to ramble? Er….not tonight. We’ll do it next time. I can’t rant without a six-pack of “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew”!! Who do you think I am? The “magic man” himself??

My Updated Stats—

Spread: 0-6

Straight up: 0-2-4

Riiiight. Quantifiably speaking, I’m getting worse as an oddsmaker as the years go by. Really. Don’t believe me? Look up my stats from 2002, 2004, and 2006. We’re overt thinking everything, and tanking in the process. No matter. Good thing a record low number of bets came in this week ; )

Saturday

Finland vs. Sweden

 vs. 

As explicitly stated above, Pia has to bump either Göransson or Öqvist up front and hope that Asllani can serve dutifully in the role of Center Forward. She’d be wise to move either Rohlin or Fischer to the wing as well. Why she dropped the 4-3-3 is beyond me. Caroline Seger needs three strikers to feed. Lotta Schelin’s true strength lies in exploiting width on the right. Rough start for the favored hosts. Nevertheless, they should be capable of recovering against dubious opposition.

THE LINE: Sweden + 2 Goals

Italy vs. Denmark

 vs. 

Will Panico elect to show up? It may end up being a moot point. Heiner-Møller’s distinctively vaginal 2-5-3 can absorb most any impuissant attack. Pocket defending makes for inherently annoying football, but it will still get you a draw.

THE LINE: Pick em’

Sunday

Deutschland vs. Iceland

 vs. 

Okay, Sylvia. Let’s review:

1) Ditch the 4-3-2-1 and start two strikers. If you want to deputize Mittag, it’s fine with me. If you want to move Maroszan forward, it’s fine with me. Just get your attacking forwards out of the midfield and next to Da Mbabi where they belong.

2) The midfield screams for changes. Gößling and Keßler aren’t your only options. Give Behringer, Bajramaj, or even Linden a shot. Leupholz had her chance. Don’t even consider it.

3) Maier and Bartusiak can stay for now. Krahn and Cramer need to go. Give Cramer’s spot to Schmidt. Move Maier inside and give the right back position to Henning.

I will abide another dull performance. What I won’t abide is another draw.

THE LINE: Deutschland +1 Goal

Norway vs. Netherlands

 vs. 

This one is shaping up to be an instant classic. Holland is nothing if not rapaciously hungry. Lieke Martins exhibits fine flair for the long ball. Kristen van de Van demonstrated fantastic aerial ability in the Germany match. Koster and van der Heiligenberg appear in sync communicatively speaking. Something special is brewing at the back.

They square off against a Grasshopper side growing in confidence. It won’t be long before Gulbranden and Stensland follow the leads of Hegland and Hansen. Sometimes football boils down to the ability to swing in enough inviting crosses to a big-target forward. I’ve no doubt Hegerberg will oblige us several times over the course of this competition.

For now we’ll project a draw, albeit an exciting one.

THE LINE: Pick em’

Monday

England vs. Russia

 vs. 

Once again borrowing from above, Sergei Lavrentyev has completely destroyed his team. The Ruskies have been over-managed to death, Clough style. Other than death, they’ve nothing more to look forward to.  A perfect squad for Hope Powell to rebuild against.

THE LINE: England +1 Goal

France vs. Spain

 vs. 

Flying high aren’t we La Roja Bella? Time to come back down to earth. I expect a spirited and competitive affair. With Louisa Necib fully recovered, however, there’s little chance that the likes of Boquette and Putellas can hope to overcome a fiery pair of opening goals.

THE LINE: France +1 Goal

GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS