I do believe I find myself “cramping up” Syndicate Members,
Welcome to the second part of our “off-year” Summer
Sportsbook. True, we have no illustriously immortal tournament to enter into
the annals of history. We still have each other ;)
Time for full disclosure/a full disclaimer. For the
uninitiated, a Female Football Sportsbook affords me the opportunity to be both
a thoughtful commentator and something of a puerile douche. This I owe to my
male base…as an absolute minimum. The latter stages of this Summer’s Sportsbook
absolutely must resemble an “All-Alpha-Male Group Therapy Session”.
Us males deserve it. Most of us are nothing more than poor and hard-working souls who find ourselves bored with our monotonous jobs. We spend a solid ten hours per day “checked out”. Let us look at some pretty girls playing football. Just let it be ; )
Us males deserve it. Most of us are nothing more than poor and hard-working souls who find ourselves bored with our monotonous jobs. We spend a solid ten hours per day “checked out”. Let us look at some pretty girls playing football. Just let it be ; )
As always, “hate mail” is welcomed here at “The Syndicate”.
Every sharp and witty response will be published. I’m warning you, however. As
exhausted as I currently am, there’s zero chance that any daft responses will
be met with anything other than the full brunt of “Shadow Scholar Force”. I
won’t tolerate any stupidity. If you’d like me to make you cry, I’m happy to
oblige. A quick tongue can cut you to pieces. Consider yourself warned.
Women’s football, in many ways, supercedes the men’s game.
Crisper passing. Better long-range efforts. Cooler tricks. More tactical
intrigue. It may be a tick slower, but only slightly. I genuinely love the
game. You can expect to read about that. You can also expect me to occasionally
think with my dick. If, by now, you’re wondering what the hell you should
expect, read this:
From 2011’s “FWM—Bride of Syndicate”
I’d
appreciate it if all syndicate members simply bear with me whilst I attempt to
make a point close to my heart. I promise we’ll arrive at the Nightclub Act
momentarily.
Misconception
#1 –“Women don’t Unleash Enough Long Range Efforts”
Evidently
no one informed Alexandra Popp (at 1:26), Kim Kulig (at 1:45) or Christine Sinclair
(at 2:00). There’s three in one game. How many Champions League matches have
that many?
Sweet Jesus,
when is the last time you saw Kaka pull off a stunner like this one from Monica
Ocampo (at 1:03)
Need
two more in one game? How about Sandrine Bretigny (at 0:25) and Louisa Necib
(at 1:02)
…or
perhaps Ri Ye Gyong (1:19) and Alex Krieger (1:48)?
Misconception
#2: “Not Enough First Touch/Volley Finishes in the Women’s Game”
I hope
you’re kidding, because Yuki Nagasato (0:25) and Amber Hearn (0:43) just proved
you doubly wrong.
Brazil’s
Rosana also has something to say about that (at 1:12)
Misconception
#3: “Too Little Urgency/Speed in the Women’s Game
Check
out the dazzling clear off the line from Colombia’s Natalia Gaitan (at 0:26):
Finally,
Equatorial Guinea’s Anonman deserves her own full highlight reel. When is the
last time you saw Nani have a game like this?
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Very
proud of this section. Classy, well sourced, and thoughtful
I rest my case. These are but a taste of
what you’ve been missing should you have elected to disregard this tournament.
Now that we know these girls can play, let me take off this itchy pantsuit and
commence with the callowness. Surely over 16 hours of intense viewing and
possibly as much time defending the ladies over the past five days have earned
me the right to be somewhat ribald.
Allow me to share my favorite “double entendres”. All of these are actual comments by actual female commentators made about actual women, actually punched-up by yours truly. Enjoy.
Allow me to share my favorite “double entendres”. All of these are actual comments by actual female commentators made about actual women, actually punched-up by yours truly. Enjoy.
[after
Canadian keeper Erin McLeod punched a corner kick clear]
“She’s an excellent fister.” –Julie Foudy
Vicey:
Hmmm…I bet she is. That’s quite frankly all I need to know about that.
[after
Canadian keeper Erin McLeod made a routine save on a straightforward effort
from Kim Kulig]
“She usually eats those balls up.” –Julie Foudy
Vicey:
Now we’re talking! That’s my kind of girl!
[after
France’s Louisa Necib unleashed a vicious effort]
“There’s the money shot!” – Cat Whitehall
VIcey:
Er….shouldn’t the ‘money shot’ come at the end of the tournament?
[after
every invariable golden scoring opportunity missed thus far in the tournament]
“She’s having trouble finishing” –Every female announcer
Vicey:
Fairly routine football commentary. In most every match a footballer will miss
a wide-open net, sending it over the bar, whiffing, shooting wide etc. Such
standard commentary is rarely worth a second thought. However, after eight
games, dozens of near misses, and approximately 246 comments about women having
trouble finishing, I’m beginning to feel as if this is somehow all my fault.
Not entirely sure how many more references I can take.
This is, of course, the last thing any man wishes to hear. Next time I see a football cutie despairingly placing both hands on her head while entreating the heavens from her knees, I will consider it my ceremonial duty to burst through the screen onto the pitch, cuddle her for a few seconds, and assure her that we can try again in a matter on minutes. Bottom line: Not finishing, not the end of the world.
This is, of course, the last thing any man wishes to hear. Next time I see a football cutie despairingly placing both hands on her head while entreating the heavens from her knees, I will consider it my ceremonial duty to burst through the screen onto the pitch, cuddle her for a few seconds, and assure her that we can try again in a matter on minutes. Bottom line: Not finishing, not the end of the world.
[after
an impressive header from Japanese Midfielder Mizuho Sakaguchi]
“Sakaguchi is all about the head” –Cat Whitehall
Vicey:
Duly noted. Nice to see that in a woman these days.
[on
the injury to Canadian Captain Christine Sinclair]
“In the women’s game we don’t go down as much” –Cat Whitehall
Vicey:
If that’s not part of a woman’s game…perhaps I should give the whole
homosexuality thing one of those patented academic “re-thinks”
[upon
entering half-time of the Japan-New Zealand Games]
“Love to be a fly on the wall in those dressing rooms” –Rebecca Lowe
Vicey:
My sentiments exactly. Well…I think I’d prefer to be a showerhead..perhaps a
washcloth.
[on
the likelihood of substitutions during the last 20 minutes of the Japan-New
Zealand Game]
“Fresh legs are at a premium. I would have thought we would have seen some fresh legs by now. [to partner] When do you think we’ll see a new set of legs?”—Beth Mowins
Vicey:
If it we’re up to me, as soon as possible. Now please stop talking tickling my
fetish! I actually have some things to concentrate on today.”
[On
the ability of the Japanese Midfield to create space for the forwards]
“Japan does a great job of sucking all those defenders over until they’re where they need to be.” –Cat Whitehall
Vicey:
I should certainly hope so. To quote Bill Hicks, “I think you’ll know when I’ve
had enough.”
[after
a blatant flop by Mexico’s Guadalupe Warbbis]
“You almost never like to see women dive on each other like that.” –Kate Markgraf
Vicey:
Speak for yourself. I thought that was what the Internet was for.
[after
a botched possession by England’s Faye White in Space]
“Unfortunately it slipped right through her spread legs and she’ll be having nightmares about it for the rest of the World Cup.” –Kate Markgraf
Vicey:
Oh come on! Don’t be so dramatic. Her shame will wash off in the shower.
[On
the bold, defensive heading of Ellen White]
“She’s young, naïve and willing to stick her face into things.” –Kate Markgraf
Vicey:
I hope I never have a daughter.
[on
the need for England to take advantage of the youth of 16-year-old Mexican
goalkeeper Cecilia Santiago]
“Great penetration by the English forwards, but you need to put her under harder pressure. She’s inexperienced.” –Kate Markgraf
Vicey:
I REALLY hope I never have a daughter!
[On the
aggressive play and awesome turn shot of U.S. Substitute Alex Morgan]
“She wants a sniff. She’ll do anything for a sniff.” –Julie Foudy
Vicey:
As would I. Damn good thing smell-o-vision hasn’t been invented yet as the
sultry smell of pheromones emanating from these gorgeous sweat-drenched
beauties would have forced me to seek immediate help for an erection lasting
over four hours. Trust me, those are very uncomfortable! Give it me…that
funk…that nasty….that gushy…enough.
[On
the frequent water-breaks during injury intervals]
“The girls will have real problems retaining fluids in this kind of heat.” –everyone
Vicey:
No, no, no. You’ve got me all wrong. No snarky comment about climax and
secretion here. I simply have no idea why they keep emphasizing this! Men
sweat. Men have trouble retaining fluids. I’m the sweatiest creature at the
Rec, the most drenched player after every co-ed match, and so rank after even a
light jog that I sometimes take three showers per day. (All of this may have
something to do with the fact that I also cough up the most phlegm after pretty
much any strenuous physical activity).
Nevertheless, I DEMAND TO KNOW IF THERE IS SOMETHING I’VE MISSED. I am not aware of any physiological differences between male and female sweat patterns. Any input from syndicate members in the medical disciplines would be greatly appreciated. No anecdotal evidence, please.
Nevertheless, I DEMAND TO KNOW IF THERE IS SOMETHING I’VE MISSED. I am not aware of any physiological differences between male and female sweat patterns. Any input from syndicate members in the medical disciplines would be greatly appreciated. No anecdotal evidence, please.
[On
the importance of the U.S. recovering from first-half torpor]
“How you ride is incredibly important.” –Judy Foudy
Vicey:
Don’t forget the object of the sentence, Judy! Now you’ve given me the
opportunity to remind all women that how you ride is in fact incredibly
important. Specifically, it is important that you position yourself so that the
well-hidden camera can pick up ever last intimate gyration. The Internet
awaits!
[on
the parity and comparative low scores in tournament thus far]
“The games have been tight, the teams appear to be tight.” –Beth Mowins
“I
think the reason for the tightness is youth.” –Cat Whitehall
Vicey:
“Young girl….get out of my mind…my love for you is way out of line.” Don’t look
at me! I don’t trust any woman under 30!
[On
the laser of a point-blank shot by Equatorial Guinea’s Anonman on Norwegian
Keeper Ingrid Hjelmseth]
“She shoots directly onto her chest!” –Beth Mowins
Vicey:
Hmmmmm….at least it wasn’t the eye.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Very
proud of this section. Lewd, spontaneous, and shameless.
Time for you to meet the girls. Did you hear that?
MEET THE GIRLS!!
MEET THE GIRLS!!
GROUP A
(Sweden, Italy, Denmark, Finland)
(Sweden, Italy, Denmark, Finland)
Sweden
Cool! It’s the return of those mystical ladies who once entranced us with those peculiar post-goal Pagan Fertility Circles. If anyone can legitimately hope to unseat my beloved FOUR-TIME DEFENDING CHAMPION Krauts, it’s Pia Sundhage’s revamped Blaugults.
Yours truly christened the 2011 Squad the “Swedish Steamroller” Here’s was written about them after having the privilege of observing them for the first time:
From FWM 2011—“Round Two”
“The
Swedish steamroller” they shall be called. Watching these women for 90 minutes,
I cannot help but be reminded of my Saab. Somehow, they are configured entirely
wrong. Round One was all about unforgettable moments from big, lanky girls with
an oddly indefinable style. Whether it was Jessica Langstrom running over
Natalia Gaitan, Caroline Seger body checking Nataly Arias or Lotta Schelin
splitting defenders with pure brute force…….I am captivated by these women.
They like it rough.
The belles of 2011 incarnation muscled their way all the way
to the semifinals, then proceeded to cun-[t]-ningly secure victory in the Third
Place Match. Along the way they even managed to pull off a stunning upset over
the Americans in the Final Group Stage Fixture in Wolfsburg. Full of
confidence, the always-explosive 4-4-2 has now been reformatted into an even
more tantalisizing 4-3-3 under the experienced tutelage of former U.S. Manager
Pia Sundhage.
First, the bad news: “Perfect Ten” Jessica Landström has been dropped. Now the good news: “Perfect Ten” Lotta Schelin remains Alive and Kicking! Looking forward to seeing this woman in action in the same way my cats are looking forward to Daddy getting up from the keyboard and feeding them.
First, the bad news: “Perfect Ten” Jessica Landström has been dropped. Now the good news: “Perfect Ten” Lotta Schelin remains Alive and Kicking! Looking forward to seeing this woman in action in the same way my cats are looking forward to Daddy getting up from the keyboard and feeding them.
Some words on the befreckled “Girl Next Door”, courtesy of
previous opi:
From FWM 2011—“Bride of Syndicate”
Perhaps
I’m entirely too excited to see a Dark-haired Swede on this squad. No matter.
Looking very much forward to seeing striker Lotta Schein in action. If you
don’t appreciate adorable foxiness I don’t know what to say. You have no soul!
We’ve got a few new faces to catch up on. Never fear. Your
friendly bookie is here.
Sweden
–2011 Rankings
Lotta
Schelin
|
10.0
|
Jessica
Landström
|
10.0
|
Sarah
Thunebro
|
9.7
|
Linda
Sembrant
|
9.0
|
Linda
Nilsson
|
8.8
|
Lisa
Dahlkvist
|
8.7
|
Josephine
Öqvist
|
8.0
|
Charlotte
Rohlin
|
7.8
|
Madalaine
Edlund
|
6.8
|
Linda
Forsberg
|
6.5
|
Sara
Larsson
|
6.2
|
Annica
Svensson
|
5.3
|
Antonia
Goransson
|
5.1
|
Hedvig
Lindahl
|
5.0
|
Therese
Sjögran
|
4.8
|
Sofia
Jakobsson
|
4.2
|
Sweden –2013 Rankings
Lotta
Schelin
|
10.0
|
Kosovare Asllani
|
9.8
|
Sarah
Thunebro
|
9.7
|
Amanda Illestadt
|
9.2
|
Linda
Nilsson
|
8.8
|
Lisa
Dahlkvist
|
8.7
|
Josephine
Öqvist
|
8.0
|
Charlotte
Rohlin
|
7.8
|
Sina Segerström
|
7.1
|
Emilie Konradsson
|
7.0
|
Jessica Samuelsson
|
7.0
|
Olivia Schough
|
7.0
|
Antonia
Goransson
|
5.1
|
Hedvig
Lindahl
|
5.0
|
Therese
Sjögran
|
4.8
|
Sofia
Jakobsson
|
4.2
|
Italy
Yes indeed, there’s something about Italian Women…..something so inherently aggravating/intimidating that one instinctively feels the need to re-posture oneself into an alert and defensive crouch, then proceed to hiss vehemently like a harmless housecat suddenly confronted by a vicious, salivating wild hyena. Yikes!
To be perfectly honest, your friendly bookie doesn’t really
know much about the female branch of the Azzurri. I’ve only had the privilege of
seeing Antonio Cabrini’s girls play one single solitary match. I do know that
I remain legitimately frightened of the raw talent exhibited by veteran
strikers Patrizia Panico and Melania Gabbiadini. This dynamic duo has scored a
combined 116 international goals in over 230 combined international caps.
If such stats don’t offer reasonable grounds for authentic
trepidation, I don’t know what does. Probably Italian Women. Yes, in the event you’re wondering, I just went back into my alert crouch. ; ) ; )
* Hiss,
Hiss *
* Hiss,
Hiss *
Don’t mess with
my precious Kraut Hotties, copia di sorelle!
Italy –2013 Rankings
Elisa
Bartoli
|
9.9
|
Patrizia
Panico
|
9.7
|
Ilaria
Mauro
|
9.6
|
Cristiana
Girelli
|
9.4
|
Elise
Camporese
|
9.2
|
Alice
Parisi
|
8.9
|
Martina
Rosucci
|
8.8
|
Federica
Di Crisico
|
8.2
|
Sandy
Iannella
|
7.8
|
Raffella
Manieri
|
7.0
|
Laura
Neboli
|
6.8
|
Allessia
Tuttino
|
5.0
|
Chiara
Marchetelli
|
5.0
|
Sara
Gama
|
4.9
|
Roberto
D’Adda
|
3.7
|
Giulia
Domenichetti
|
3.2
|
Denmark
Another new team! The oft-ignored Southern Representative of the Scandinavian Triangle have staged a greater comeback than the Left Bloc and are now available for your perusal. Yawn. Another mundane collection of Nordic Blondes. At least that’s the cursory conclusion.
Deeper research yields some intriguing candidates for our bi-annual “Elfin Girl” Contest. Prospects for advancement beyond the group stage appear bleak, so enjoy the Danish Dames while you can.
As is traditional when welcoming these pesky peninsulars
back into the fold, let’s roll out the miniscules!
Gøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø Danes!
Denmark –2013 Rankings
Line
Røddik Hansen
|
10.0
|
Pernille
Harder
|
10.0
|
Katrina
Veje
|
9.6
|
Kathrine
Pedersen
|
8.9
|
Cecile
Sandvej
|
8.7
|
Line
Jensen
|
8.3
|
Janni
Arnth Jensen
|
7.9
|
Karoline
Smidt Nielsen
|
7.8
|
Emma
Madsen
|
6.9
|
Sofie
Junge Pedersen
|
6.8
|
Nadia
Nadim
|
6.7
|
Malene
Olsen
|
6.6
|
Mariann
Gajhede
|
6.5
|
Nanna
Christiansen
|
3.9
|
Theresa
Nielson
|
3.1
|
Christina
Ørntoft
|
1.9
|
Finland
“Finland, Finland, Finland.
The country where I want to be,
Pony-treking or camping,
Or just watching TV
Finland, Finland, Finland
It’s the country for me.
You’re so near to Russia,
So far from Japan
Quite a Long Way from Cairo
Lot’s of miles from Vietnam
So sadly neglected,
And often ignored,
A poor second to Belgium,
When going abroad”
Thank you, Eric Idle!! This Python Classic routinely fails
to get its due! For starters, it’s given me something to write about Finland!
Thank for the fuck Christ! The challenges associated with finding something
interesting to say about the Finnish Women’s national football team are only
slightly less unnerving than those faced when tasked with a write-up on the
Azerbaijani Ice Hockey Team. That’s it. I don’t know what else to say.
GROUP B
(Germany, Norway, Iceland, Netherlands)
DEUTSCHLAND!!
Now we’re getting somewhere! Apart from my emerging fascination with women’s football, my genuine love of my syndicate members, and an unhealthy obsession with keeping at least ONE interesting project alive in times of despairing formulaic boredom, the primary reason I insisted upon covering this obscure tournament relates to….the rapacious desire to watch German football.
Sorry, mates. I can’t go a summer without it. That’s just the way it is.
Let’s introduce everyone to the latest manifestation of the
team I previously so-maturely dubbed “Feuchgebiete”. Since suffering the humiliation of
a quarterfinal exit on home soil two years ago, Head Trainer Silvia Neid has
totally reconfigured the attack. We all knew we had seen the last of Birget
Prinz after she stormed off the pitch in a huff that made the “Real Housewives
of New Jersey” look like paragons of civil virtue. This bookie wishes her a
pleasant retirement….and perhaps a light shave while we’re at it.
Also not returning are Ariane Hingst, Martina Mülller,
Kirsten Garefreckas and Inka Grings. For those keeping track (all of the both
of you, as usual) that’s FIVE natural strikers who have been struck…and we’re
not done yet. Alexandra Popp and Kim Kulig, a pair of young midfielder-striker
hybrids have sustained injury and will be staying home.
This constitutes devastating news as these two iconic playmakers supplied us with many of the more memorable athletic acrobatics found in the 2011 tournament. Er…to this one might add that they were among the most irresistibly attractive pieces of eye-candy on the pitch. ;)
This constitutes devastating news as these two iconic playmakers supplied us with many of the more memorable athletic acrobatics found in the 2011 tournament. Er…to this one might add that they were among the most irresistibly attractive pieces of eye-candy on the pitch. ;)
All of this leaves our Frauen with ONE veteran striker to
turn to in a pinch: Malmo forward Anje Mittag. On the plus side, room has now
been cleared for the next generation of captivating figures of international
heritage. Over the past decade, German football has undergone undeniably
exciting demographic changes. I’ve written extensively on how solid German
names like Bierhof, Beckenbauer, and Matthäus have steadily given way to more
multicultural ones like Klose, Kuranyi, Podolski, Gomez, Özil, and Khedira.
Play-by-play announcers can never seem to resist gently reminding the audience that “this is not your father’s Germany”. Exciting stuff for those of us who both love our country and its renewed sense of inclusivity. Fuck Tilo Sarrazin. Oops. Did I say that out loud?
Play-by-play announcers can never seem to resist gently reminding the audience that “this is not your father’s Germany”. Exciting stuff for those of us who both love our country and its renewed sense of inclusivity. Fuck Tilo Sarrazin. Oops. Did I say that out loud?
It’s taken some time for the Women’s game to catch up, but
we now boast two unequivocally bonafide heroines of international heritage.
Aficionados will recall Celia Okoyino da Mbabi’s monster tournament back in
2011. She struck two crucial goals in the group stage, both from impressively
tight angles in central midfield. The highly skilled budding-talisman of
Cameroonian descent looks to run roughshod over softer opposition in this
tournament.
Then we have the matter of Fatmire Bajramaj [BAI-RaH-MAI]. Your friendly bookie blushes at her mere mention. This gorgeous Kosovar exile has a ravishing tale to tell. She has an even more ravishing set of legs, as evidenced by my persistently piquante fascination with her attests:
Then we have the matter of Fatmire Bajramaj [BAI-RaH-MAI]. Your friendly bookie blushes at her mere mention. This gorgeous Kosovar exile has a ravishing tale to tell. She has an even more ravishing set of legs, as evidenced by my persistently piquante fascination with her attests:
From “2011 FWM Bride of Syndicate”:
Fatima
Bajramaj [Buy-RA-MY} is simply gorgeous both in stills and in action:
Why so
infatuated with this woman? According to the latest information from kicker.de,
she’s NOT GOING TO START! NOOOO!!. In her place, we’ll be treated to
Melanie Behringer, who I’m fairly certain is a man. I shall not post a picture
of her, mostly for fear of burgeoning the rumor that trolls are once again
roaming the German Countryside.
Okay that’s mean of me. She’s okay if you’re into Faye Reagan…..after she swallowed Jena Haze.
Okay that’s mean of me. She’s okay if you’re into Faye Reagan…..after she swallowed Jena Haze.
From FWM—Round 3
We’ll
definitely see some alterations after the last effort. For starters, Talismanic
Midfielder Kulig has to sit this one out on a double yellow. With Melanie
Behringer doubtful after her injury we have two gaping holes in the midfield. A
bold option for remedying this would be switching to a 4-3-3 formation, with
Popp, Grings, and Prinz at striker.
This appears unlikely, however, given that a conservative win takes priority over goal differential. The more likely scenario involves “Heldenzeit”. Yes, not only do I watch Women’s Football, I also like “Wir Sind Helden”. Inching ever closer to giving up all of my dirty little secrets. You so do not need to know what songs I listen to in my basement.
This appears unlikely, however, given that a conservative win takes priority over goal differential. The more likely scenario involves “Heldenzeit”. Yes, not only do I watch Women’s Football, I also like “Wir Sind Helden”. Inching ever closer to giving up all of my dirty little secrets. You so do not need to know what songs I listen to in my basement.
The
hero to be called upon is my mature maven “Fatimire Baramaj” You’ll have no
trouble recognizing this Kosovar. She has already been anointed as the
indeterminably ethnic “German People’s Choice”. Conservatively speaking, I
estimate the ESPN Commentary team will broach rather inspirational back-story
no fewer than three hundred times.
Ink is already dry on the glowing newspaper articles. The (dramatic) story of Germany’s veteran lionhearted refugee heroine, coming of the bench for a crucial storybook goal has already been written. All we have to do now is play the game. Viel Glück, Mädel.
Ink is already dry on the glowing newspaper articles. The (dramatic) story of Germany’s veteran lionhearted refugee heroine, coming of the bench for a crucial storybook goal has already been written. All we have to do now is play the game. Viel Glück, Mädel.
What can I say? I’m both smitten and bewitched….if such a
thing can even be considered possible. Plenty of new faces. Sadly, this bookie
can’t tell you much about them. I’ve been too busy this year to even catch ONE
Turbine Potsdam match. All your friendly bookie can do is offer some shallow
comments on how they look. More thoughtful analysis on their play will have to
wait.
Deutschland—2011
Rankings
Fatmire
Bajramaj
|
10.0
|
Alexandra
Popp
|
9.7
|
Lena
Gößling
|
9.3
|
Simone
Laudehr
|
8.8
|
Linda
Bresonik
|
8.5
|
Kim
Kulig
|
7.9
|
Ariana
Hingst
|
7.8
|
Bianca
Schmidt
|
6.9
|
Celia
Oko da Mbabi
|
6.7
|
Inka
Grings
|
6.6
|
Babbet
Peter
|
5.8
|
Saskia
Bartusiak
|
5.3
|
Vereina
Faißt
|
5.1
|
Annike
Krahn
|
5.0
|
Martina
Müler
|
4.8
|
Birget
Prinz
|
4.4
|
Kirsten
Garefreckas
|
3.0
|
Melanie
Behringer
|
2.8
|
Nadine
Angerer
|
2.0
|
Deutschland—2013 Rankings
Fatmire
Bajramaj
|
10.0
|
Lena Gößling
|
9.5
|
Svenja Huth
|
9.4
|
Melanie Leupholz
|
9.4
|
Simone Laudehr
|
9.2
|
Nadine Keßler
|
9.0
|
Lena Lotzen
|
8.7
|
Isabelle Linden
|
8.5
|
Jenifer Cramer
|
8.3
|
Josephine Henning
|
8.0
|
Bianca
Schmidt
|
7.8
|
Celia
Oko da Mbabi
|
7.8
|
Dzenifer Marozsan
|
7.6
|
Leonie Meier
|
6.0
|
Saskia
Bartusiak
|
5.9
|
Annike
Krahn
|
5.8
|
Anja Mittag
|
4.5
|
Melanie
Behringer
|
3.8
|
Nadine
Angerer
|
2.0
|
Norway
Your clever shit of a bookie experienced a brain-fart back in 2011 when attempting to bestow an apt nickname upon the Norwegian National Women’s Football team. He dubbed them “The beauties that even Thor can’t ignore.” Ugh. It doesn’t get much lamer than that. ; ( I often reverently employ the term “keystrokes” as a subtle homage to the great classical composers.
Such a allusion insinuates that writers share something in common with the likes of Beethoven and Bach. They sat at the piano piecing together their “master-strokes”. We sit at the keys seeking to fashion something equally as elegant and melodic.
If I’m indeed a musical artist of some sort, that particular
pun was worthy of the time John and Yoko opted to belch into a tape recorder
for six hours and call it an album. Ugh. Strive to understand: 2011’s “Thor”
movie left everyone wondering how gay superheroes could get before everyone
lost their tolerance. That, at least, was the reasoning. : (
Nevertheless, I came to grow fond of “The Grasshoppers”. In
particular, I allowed myself to be moonstruck by “Elf-Girl” Emile Haavi. She’ll
be back. Can’t wait ; )
Norway—2011
Rankings
Cecille
Pederson
|
9.4
|
Marita
Skammelsrud Lund
|
9.1
|
Kristine
Wigdhal Hegland
|
8.9
|
Hedda
Gardsjord
|
8.8
|
Lene
Mykaland
|
8.3
|
Guro
Knutsen Mienna
|
8.2
|
Emile
Haavi
|
7.9
|
Ingrid Ryland
|
7.8
|
Nora
Holstad Berge
|
7.4
|
Ingrid
Hjelmseth
|
6.8
|
Elise
Thorsnes
|
6.7
|
Maren
Mjelde
|
5.9
|
Madeline
Giske
|
5.5
|
Runa
Vikestad
|
5.4
|
Trinne
Ronning
|
5.2
|
Gry
Tofte Ims
|
5.0
|
Leni
Larsen Kaurin
|
4.9
|
Isabell
Herlovsen
|
4.8
|
Ingvild
Stensland
|
4.7
|
Norway—2013 Rankings
Catherine
Dekkerhus
|
9.6
|
Marita
Skammelsrud Lund
|
9.5
|
Kristine
Wigdhal Hegland
|
9.3
|
Ingrid
Ryland
|
9.0
|
Lene
Mykaland
|
9.0
|
Ada
Hegerberg
|
9.0
|
Emile
Haavi
|
8.9
|
Caroline Graham Hansen
|
8.4
|
Marit Fiane Christensen
|
8.2
|
Nora
Holstad Berge
|
7.9
|
Ingrid
Hjelmseth
|
7.6
|
Solveig Gulbrandsen
|
7.5
|
Elise
Thorsnes
|
7.2
|
Toril Ackerhaugen
|
6.9
|
Maren
Mjelde
|
6.2
|
Trinne
Ronning
|
6.0
|
Gry
Tofte Ims
|
5.5
|
Leni
Larsen Kaurin
|
4.9
|
Ingvild
Stensland
|
4.7
|
The Netherlands
Hell yes! The “Brilliant Oranje” have a chromosomal counterpart! I’m literally leaping out of my clothes. They’ve never qualified for the Women’s World Cup. They never even qualified for the UEFA European Championship until the last tournament!
No one knows anything about them…or indeed much about women in that tiny sliver of a country known as the Netherlands. They’re not all prostitutes! I can’t wait to learn more!
The Netherlands—2013 Rankings
Danielle van de Donk
|
10.0
|
Annouk Hoogendijk
|
10.0
|
Claudia van der Heilegenberg
|
9.6
|
Lieke Martins
|
9.4
|
Leonne Stentler
|
9.1
|
Christen van de Ven
|
8.7
|
Dyanne Bito
|
8.5
|
Mandy Versteegt
|
8.4
|
Manon Melis
|
8.0
|
Merel Van Dongen
|
7.6
|
Renee Sledgers
|
7.3
|
Maayke Heuver
|
7.2
|
Sherida Spitze
|
7.0
|
Sylvia Smit
|
6.9
|
Siri Worm
|
6.7
|
Annouk Dekker
|
6.6
|
Loes Guerts
|
6.0
|
Desiree van Lunteren
|
5.8
|
Daphne Koster
|
3.6
|
Iceland
Well….this is happening. Speaking of tiny countries, a worthless piece of volcanic rock that just under 400,000 stubborn inbred individuals call home has somehow managed to field a woman’s football team. I don’t even have time to opine on the women here. THAT….is not happening.
Everyone give a warm welcome to this tournament’s doormat. The Confederations Cup had Tahiti. We’ve got Iceland; a country that sent one soldier to Iraq as part of the “Coalition of the Willing.”
GROUP C
(France, Spain, Russia, England)
France
Everyone can relax. Louisa Necib will be present. “Who the Algerian-engineering fuck is Louisa Necib?”, you might ask. So glad you asked.
From “FWM 2011—Bride of Syndicate”
After
that, we have the pouty dark-haired Offensive midfielder currently trading
under the name Louisa Necib
From “FWM 2011—Round Two
Necib
and Fillgno…two Barbie girls in their Barbie world. This one is definitively
worth watching if only to check out everyone’s new favorite future Penthouse
Pet Louisa Necib. She’s been dubbed the “female Zinidine Zidane” over 3,452
times now, presumably because she gives good head. Sorry, couldn’t resist.
From “FWM 2011—Semifinals”
Talk a
bit about France? “Keep your eye on Louisa Necib,” says Kate Markgraf. As if I
need to be reminded. This Algerian Jewel has France respectable again, only one
year removed from the most disgraceful international football “appearance”
ever. She is the beating heart of this French team, controlling the pace and
flow from her midfield position. She can also rip the ball from range, often
shaving the woodwork from 40 yards out!
Whenever she happens to test the frame, cameras immediately capture her glancing heavenward, looking toward her point of origin. Yes, you read that correctly. She is a celestial being, and the greatest threat to a U.S.A-Sweden Final.
Whenever she happens to test the frame, cameras immediately capture her glancing heavenward, looking toward her point of origin. Yes, you read that correctly. She is a celestial being, and the greatest threat to a U.S.A-Sweden Final.
The woman is an unequivocal angel. I can scarcely bring
myself to talk about something else…except for this bit from one of the
rambling sections:
From “FWM 2011—Quarterfinals”
-- Mon
dieu! Dirty, dirty French girls.
You filthy whores! No need to pose naked for me, ladies. Merely watching your
sublime skills is enough to warrant a deposit in the “Spank Bank”.
Had to get that in there somehow.
France—2011
Rankings
Louisa
Necib
|
10.0
|
Laure
Bolleau
|
9.7
|
Corine
Franco
|
9.2
|
Gaetene
Thiney
|
9.0
|
Marei
Laure-Delie
|
8.6
|
Sonia
Bompastor
|
8.2
|
Ophilie
Meilleroux
|
7.7
|
Wendie
Renard
|
7.5
|
Sandrine
Bretigny
|
6.8
|
Elodie
Thomas
|
6.6
|
Eugenie
Le Sommer
|
5.7
|
Camilie
Abily
|
5.5
|
Laure
Lepailleur
|
5.4
|
Laura
Georges
|
5.1
|
Berangere
Sapowicz
|
4.4
|
Caroline
Pizzala
|
4.2
|
Sabrina
Viguier
|
3.6
|
Sandrine
Soubeyrand
|
3.3
|
Elise
Bussaglia
|
3.0
|
France—2013 Rankings
Louisa
Necib
|
10.0
|
Laure
Bolleau
|
9.9
|
Corine
Franco
|
9.9
|
Gaetene
Thiney
|
9.8
|
Marei
Laure-Delie
|
9.5
|
Viviane Asseyi
|
8.8
|
Ophilie
Meilleroux
|
8.7
|
Wendie
Renard
|
8.3
|
Camile Catala
|
8.0
|
Jessica Hourara
|
7.8
|
Sandrine
Bretigny
|
7.7
|
Elodie
Thomas
|
7.6
|
Eugenie
Le Sommer
|
7.3
|
Camilie
Abile
|
7.0
|
Amandine Henry
|
6.6
|
Julie Soyer
|
6.5
|
Laura
Georges
|
6.3
|
Sandrine
Soubeyrand
|
3.3
|
Slise
Bussaglia
|
3.0
|
England
“Ellen White, shining bright for England!”
She’s back! So is Rachel Yankey, Fara Williams, Jessica
Clarke (the female Peter Crouch), and Anita Asante! Hurrah! Who can possibly
resist watching English football? It’s much like watching video of a referee’s
merciless and brutal killing.
You begin by rooting for the doomed specimen, if only because you don’t want to witness a slaughter. As time drags on, however, you end up rooting for the slaughter, if only because you can no longer avert your eyes.
You begin by rooting for the doomed specimen, if only because you don’t want to witness a slaughter. As time drags on, however, you end up rooting for the slaughter, if only because you can no longer avert your eyes.
It happens. Good luck, Lady Lions. Maybe this time….or maybe
not.
England—2011
Rankings
Eniola
Aluko
|
9.8
|
Sophie
Bradley
|
9.0
|
Alex
Scott
|
8.6
|
Rachel
Yankey
|
8.4
|
Stephanie
Houghton
|
8.0
|
Karen
Carney
|
7.8
|
Claire
Rafferty
|
7.7
|
Rachel
Unitt
|
7.5
|
Jessica
Clarke
|
7.2
|
Faye
White
|
7.0
|
Kelly
Smith
|
6.5
|
Karen
Bardsley
|
5.6
|
Casey
Stoney
|
5.5
|
Ellen
White
|
5.4
|
Fara
Williams
|
5.3
|
Dunia
Susi
|
5.2
|
Anita
Asante
|
5.1
|
Jill
Scott
|
5.0
|
Laura
Bassett
|
4.6
|
England—2013 Rankings
Eniola
Aluko
|
10.0
|
Sophie
Bradley
|
9.6
|
Gemma Bonner
|
9.5
|
Alex
Scott
|
9.2
|
Rachel
Yankey
|
9.0
|
Stephanie
Houghton
|
8.9
|
Karen
Carney
|
8.5
|
Jade Moore
|
8.5
|
Toni Duggan
|
8.4
|
Jordan Nobbs
|
8.3
|
Jessica
Clarke
|
8.0
|
Kelly
Smith
|
7.6
|
Karen
Bardsley
|
7.4
|
Casey
Stoney
|
7.1
|
Ellen
White
|
7.0
|
Fara
Williams
|
6.8
|
Dunia
Susi
|
6.8
|
Anita
Asante
|
6.7
|
Jill
Scott
|
6.7
|
Russia
Don’t even think about fucking with the Russian bitches. They’ll steal your championship ring and bludgeon you to death with it. By the way, if the play-by-play commentators fail to refer to the Russian Women’s Football team as “Pussy Riot”, they should be fired.
Russia—2013 Rankings
Elivira Todua
|
9.7
|
Olga Petrova
|
9.3
|
Nelli Korovkina
|
9.2
|
Natalia Pertseva
|
9.0
|
Anastasia Kostyukova
|
8.6
|
Natalia Shlyapina
|
8.3
|
Ksenia Tsybutovich
|
8.0
|
Ekaterina Sochneva
|
7.7
|
Maria Dyatchkova
|
7.3
|
Elena Medved
|
7.0
|
Spain
No question they can dominate the “Hot Girl Standings” and all of global football. Can Spanish Girls play football? I’m dying to find out!!!
Spain—2013 Rankings
Alexia Putellas
|
10.0
|
Silvia Meseguer
|
10.0
|
Veronique Boquete
|
10.0
|
Irene Paredes
|
9.6
|
Ruth Garcia
|
9.5
|
Virginia Torrecilla
|
9.1
|
Erika Vasquez
|
8.8
|
Marta Torrejon
|
8.5
|
Priscilla Borja
|
8.0
|
Leire Landa
|
7.9
|
Adriana Martin
|
7.7
|
Sandra Vilanova
|
7.4
|
Jennifer Hermoso
|
7.0
|
Sonia Bermudez
|
6.7
|
Ainhoa Tirapu
|
6.5
|
Amanda Sanpedro
|
6.5
|
