Election 2012--U.S. House

Happy Election Season Syndicate members,

Your friendly bookie here. Indeed, thanks to our country’s puerile nature, election season feels more or less perpetual. This hapless two-party system leaves politics as our seventh semi-professional blood sport. Americans remain discontented with the NFL, the NBA, MLB, the NHL, NCAA Football, and NCAA Basketball. Only six options that enable us to pick a side and obtain a cheap self-righteous adrenaline rush? Fuck that. We require “Red vs. Blue.” We crave a clear, Russert-inspired color-coded demarcation so that we may jostle, fight, and purport to be smarter than we actually are.

Apropos the designations permanently assigned during the 2000 Election, something seems off about this text….aha…this book has absolutely nothing to do with football or the DFB. Time to ditch those colors….

Welcome to “Red, White, and Blue”. Less likely to prove headache inducing? Whilst fumbling for some sort of promotional tagline to explain why your friendly bookie has opted to take yet another private book public, I’ve settled on the following:

“I’m doing this only because the preceding election season, an especially harrowing one for a Shadow Scholar, has caused my faith in humanity to precipitously drop to its lowest level in years. In other words, it’s a very special gift straight from the heart.”

Alles klar? Alright. So where are we? After the completely predictable pivot of both candidates back to the center, we find ourselves where we always knew we would be. You have your choice of lax and amorphous platitudes to subscribe to. Essentially, you’re choosing between two automobiles of the same model. You have your choice of color, but the country won’t be significantly different no matter what the car’s shade happens to be.

I won’t hide my disgust for the GOP. There it is…in writing. From a global political perspective, it has to be one of the more embarrassing western political entities out there. They resemble an imbecilic Eastern European Conservative Party more than anything else.

Nonetheless, Obama…Romney. It really matters very little. After the dust settles, America will continue to be the same Kentucky-fried country. A stagnant political system will continue to pass mostly meaningless legislation. GDP growth will remain comparatively anemic for at least another decade. The housing market won’t rebound for at least as long. Real wages will remain stationary. Consumer debt may not grow exponentially, but it will increase at a steady pace. Ditto the government budget deficit. Obama’s most optimistic prognostications only foresee a potential surplus in 2024. Romney doesn’t have a plan at all. Hate to make this a generational matter, but the battle for a functional and responsible government was lost long ago…when Americans elected George W. Bush…..twice.

This isn’t to say that we’re on the road to an irreversible decline. No one should ever worry that Americans will face a calamitous and apocalyptic reckoning that forces us all to wash our linen in the river. We’ll continue to be a nation of gluttonous and profligate consumers….off to spend, spend, spend on all manner of useless shit we don’t need.

What then, pray tell, is this election about? Well…if you’ve been paying attention to the stump speeches, it’s about someone like me. I could easily be inserted into one of these canards:

“This is election is all about folks like Peter Weis. He works two jobs to pay off his student loan debt. Even though he runs a small business, he has trouble paying his bills. He faces an uncertain future; one in which he must accept the fact that his dreams are out of reach and he must find some way of adapting to the New World Order.”

All of this would be spectacular were it not for the fact that I make a bullshit living writing horseshit for people full of their own shit. Peter Weis likes his jobs. He enjoys mundane work. It’s a fabulous distraction. He doesn’t really mind writing checks to pay down debt or re-working budgets to adjust to realities. To hell with the sophomoric “Dreams of Childhood.” We all have to learn to let them go. It’s called growing up and becoming an adult. To hell with “uncertainty”. Just get to work already. Fuck the “New World Order”. Anyone can survive it provided they devote enough time to learning and as little as possible to formulating explanations for the idiots that demand them.

Overall, Peter Weis is doing quite well. So are you. Even if you’re not, don’t have the gall to write me about how a politician will change everything for you. This election isn’t about you. It isn’t about me. It isn’t about anything really, not even the much-discussed “Gender Gap”. True, we might see a 2-1 split of females voting for Obama and males voting for Romney. Dearest conservative friends, if the past four years have proven anything…it’s that you bitch, whine, and moan as good as any woman. Deal with it. Instead of sowing your oats, you spread your whinny nonsense all over profile-based websites and online forums like a bunch of teenage girls. For fuck’s sake…..

Introduction—U.S. House of Representatives

Can we find better representation than the 152 candidates to be analyzed here? Damn straight! Can we do it under the current “First-Past-the-Post” system? Yeah…. You’ll be happy to know that all 152 candidates are small business owners. Nearly 96 percent of them are married to their high school sweethearts. A slightly lower percentage are “active” in their local church.

Sigh. The world offers us plenty of solutions. They sit right before our eyes. We could institute proportional representation on a state level and see how the experiment works. We could employ the “alternative vote” system, enabling citizens to cast their ballot for other parties without fear of throwing their vote away. We might even consider mandatory one-term limits on all house members, ensuring that MPs “swing for the fences” during their two-year term and at least effect SOME change.

None of these ideas are up for discussion. Nothing is up for discussion. No one fucks with the U.S. Constitution. Thanks to the 60 some odd congressional members of the Tea Party, no one fucks with their completely off-base interpretation of the a U.S. Constitution that they’ve never even read. Here are your candidates. Best of luck.   

Category One—DEEP RED

Georgia –12^th District

John Barrow (D) vs. Lee Anderson (R)

The last of the “Blue Dogs” looks set to lose his seat here. Four-term democratic congressman John Barrow has occupied the seat in the 2004 and has rather precariously fended off challengers for three of the last four cycles.

He stands little of a chance after the 2010 census redistricting expanded the district way beyond the suburban areas of Savannah and Augusta. State Representative Lee Anderson has been gifted the perfect line of attack against Harvard Law graduate Barrow. My opponent? That’s right. Barrow happens to be a “big-city lawyer.” Anderson may not be a “big-city lawyer, but he’s a “farmer and father”. He knows that Georgia exists. He knows where Georgia is. He knows how to spell Georgia He’s aware that there are people living in Georgia. The end.

Yeah…it’s back to ambulance chasing for Barrow. Good Riddance.

THE LINE: Anderson +12%

Oklahoma –2^nd District

Rob Wallace (D) vs. Markwayne Mullen (R)

No, that’s not an oversight. The name on the man’s birth certificate actually reads “Markwayne”. Another “Blue Dog”, Okie from Muskogee Dan Boren is retiring and the GOP looks sure to pick up a seat here. “Markwayne the Plumber” is much beloved by Eastern Oklahomans for his ubiquitous folksy television advertisements promoting his full service “Red Rooter” plumbing service.

The Democrats have fielded a qualified candidate in State Assistant District Attorney Rob Wallace, who boasts an impressive track record in prosecuting high-end narcotic and methamphetamine rings. Er…have I mentioned Mullen owns a ranch?

THE LINE: Mullen + 10%

Indiana –8^th District

Dave Crooks (D) vs. Larry Bucshon (R)

Chest-cracker Larry Buschon surfed in on the 2010 Republican Wave and the GOP remains very serious about protecting this pickup. Evidently, so to are the Dems. All they could manage was to do was get retired assemblyman Dave Crooks off the coach. Crooks has been working in radio calling his son’s basketball games. By the looks of his campaign, he appears to be eagerly anticipating getting back to it.

THE LINE: Bucshon +19%

Indiana –12^th District

Brendan Mullen (D) vs. Jackie Walorski (R)

With incumbent Democrat Joe Donnelly off to run for the senate, military consultant Brendan Mullen has fought hard to retain a seat that heavily redistricted toward the GOP. To no avail. Donnelly barely edged out three-team state representative Walorski in 2010 and the newly drawn lines should prove enough to put her over the top.

THE LINE: Walorski + 7%

North Carolina –8^th District

Larry Kissel (D) vs. Richard Hudson (R)

Conservative Democrat, former textile worker and High School Social Studies teacher, Larry Kissel has done just about everything to retain his job. He voted against the affordable Care Act. He’s opposed every free-trade agreement proffered during his tenure. No matter. Another “Blue Dog” goes down.

THE LINE: Hudson +7%

North Carolina –11^th District

Hayden Rogers (D) vs. Mark Meadows (R)

Former Washington Redskins and New Orleans Saints quarterback Heath Schuler knows when to take a sack. After the 2010 Census redistricting placed the Democratic Hub of Asheville outside of the district, the three-term democratic veteran of Rahm Emmanuel’s 2006 “Housequake” announced he would not run again. The Dems lose another “Blue Dog” and another seat. Schuler’s former campaign manager Hayden Rogers doesn’t stand much of a chance. Conservative businessman Mark Meadows will roll in a district where the only two important issues concern what role you play in your local church and whether or not you’re still married to your old “High School Sweetheart.”

As an aside, I challenge most anyone to find a congressional candidate not married to that old “High School Sweetheart”. I broach this in the event that any male high school students find themselves depressed at the prospect of early fatherhood. Relax, guys. You’ve got a potentially lucrative political career ahead of you.

THE LINE: Meadows +13%

California –10^th District

Jose Hernandez (D) vs. Jeff Denham (R)

Massive redistricting in California. Follow me if you dare. In 2010, State Assemblyman Jeff Denham won election to the House of Representatives in California’s 19^th, even though he lived in the 18^th. He later moved to the 19^th, just in time for the 18^th to be redrawn into the 10^th. All clear? Hence, Denham is technically the incumbent. California takes the top two from an open primary, meaning Denham’s “challenger” is former astronaut Jose Hernandez (who also, coincidentally, doesn’t live in the 10^th).

California’s “Central Valley” remains fairly conservative. In the event you find that difficult to believe, just trust me. Where does this much maligned “one-percent” live. I’ll venture a guess. In THOSE fucking houses.

THE LINE: Denham +12%

California –38^th District

Paul Ruiz (D) vs. Mary Bono Mack (R)

Lil’ Mary Whitacker was once just another pretty face. The strikingly beautiful former gymnast with a Bachelor’s in History from So-Cal, loyal Mary stayed home, raised the kids, and took the odd Scientology course. Then her husband literally ran into a tree. Now she’s a six-term congresswoman who’s gone through two more high profile husbands. Baby-faced physician Paul Ruiz doesn’t stand much of a chance here. Because of California’s quirky primary system, we’ve actually ALREADY HELD the election. These two were the ONLY two candidates, with Mary winning by 17%. Now we do a replay.

THE LINE: Bono Mack +13%

Colorado –3^rd District

Sal Pace (D) vs. Scott Tipton (R)

Moderate Republican Scott Tipton rode in on the Republican wave of 2010 and looks to cruise again. He’s kept low-key in his first term, sticking to issues like clean drinking water and harsher terms for juvenile sex offenders. That’s how we do it people. How does one run against a soft-spoken uncontroversial owner of a novelty Indian Pottery Workshop? One doesn’t really. Nevertheless, the Colorado Democratic party is trying. They’ve put forward rosy-cheeked ultra-sugary smiling Sal Pace. The youngest of nine (!!) children, this redolent little honey boo-boo with the choirboy eyes grew up working the register at Ma and Pa’s Mom and Pop Toy Store!

Gosh golly, if these two aren’t the sweetest bunch of saccharine lollipops you’ll ever meet. Sunshine and Rainbows for everyone!

THE LINE: Tipton +15%

Minnesota –8^th District

Jim Graves (D) vs. Michelle Bachmann (R)

Everyone’s favorite batshit crazy MILF will return. Fortunately for her, enough of her constituents filled out the Census forms she so adamantly opposed, enabling her district and her job to be preserved. The Dems did mount an effort, putting up hospitality CEO and long-time Sunday School teacher Jim Graves. He’s simply not connecting with the staunch conservative voters in a manner that can match the hypnotizing particles of ultra-violent radiating from Bachmann’s piercing supernatural gaze.

Thus, everyone affiliated with the “Tea Party Express” (presumably the branch of the Tea Party available at the airport) may relax. Together with Texas representative Louie Gohmert and Iowa representative Steve King, Bachmann will continue to chair the House “Totally Insane Googly-Eyed Caucus.” I’m deathly serious about this trio. DO NOT LOOK THEM DIRECTLY IN THE EYE. DON’T DO IT. YOU’LL GO INSANE TOO. NOOO!!!! LOOK AWAY!!!!

THE LINE: Bachmann +13%

New Jersey –7^th District

Upendra Chivukula (D) vs. Leonard Lance (R)

Redistricting here was thought to give the Democrats a chance. Now nearly a quarter of the district’s residents are foreign born. With the district’s new residents pull the lever for a humble immigrant from the Indian State of Tamil Nadu? Isn’t this America? Aren’t we meant to fall in love with the story of a man who grew up in a mud hut, traveled to this country in a coffee can, and arrived on U.S. Soil with but a few meager dollars in his pocket before rising to become a top notch civil servant with an Electrical Engineering Master’s?

Eh…not really. Chivukula proves to be too liberal for this district’s affluent voters. I’ll weigh in here to voice my disappointment. Upedra happens to be ten times the man than that homegrown dope Bobby Jindhal is. Truly one “Sharp Injun”. Hell, that should have been his campaign slogan.

On a completely different note, is anyone else tired of the “humble beginnings” narrative that begins: “He arrived in this country with only a few dollars in his pocket….” Give me a fucking break. If “he” could afford the plane ticket, I’m fairly certain “he” had some seed money. How about a nice refreshing:

“He arrived in this country with only a few Rupees in his suit jacket. After swapping them out for some greenbacks at the currency exchange booth, he went and grabbed a Cinnabun before claiming his bags and taking a cab over to the Motel 6 Room he reserved. After making a few phone calls in search of a reasonably priced apartment with a short-term lease, he ordered a pizza and watched a little Carson.” 

Inspiring!

THE LINE: Lance +30%

New Jersey –12^th District

Shelley Adler (D) vs. John Runyan (R)

The Philadelphia Eagles could surely use their former offensive tackle Jon Runyan this season. Wait a minute…did I just admit that I’m casually following the NFL? Alright..it’s out there. I assure you I’ll lose interest as soon as Champion’s League heats up…as I always do.

Anyways, Runyan barely wrested the seat away from John Adler in 2010 and Democrats were deprived of a re-match when Adler later passed away. The Dems have drafted his widow, but thus far it shows no signs of being a competitive contest.

THE LINE: Runyan +12%

New York –11^th District

Mark Murphy (D) vs. Michael Grimm (R)

The “Old” New York 11^th is the potentially the most democratic district in the country (Brooklyn). The “New” New York 11^th is the “Old” 13^th. (Staten Island). Mean Michael Grimm, an exceptionally popular ex-marine upset an entrenched Republican to win the 13^th’s primary in 2010, and then upset an initially heavily favored democrat to muscle his way into the House.

Grimm boasts an impressive resume, over a decade spent as an FBI Agent. Career politician Mark Murphy has been hard pressed to draw a suitable contrast against the dynamic Grimm, who also owns a large stake in a bio-fuel company and organic food store. Scandal plaques Grimm. He’s faced money laundering and abuse of power charges in addition to…saw this one coming… numerous public health code violations. Nevertheless, Murphy can’t make anything stick.

THE LINE: Grimm +14%

New York –18^th District

Sean Maloney (D) vs. Nan Hayworth (R)

Trained Ophthalmologist Nan Hayworth (formerly of the 19^th District) gets a new home and an opponent struggling to gain traction. A Tea Party favorite, she cruised in with the 2010 Republican Wave that deliberately included a disproportionate number of private practice physicians. The Dems have nominated fighting Irishman Sean Patrick Maloney, a former Clinton aide openly running as an old school liberal. As of yet the intrepid tactic isn’t working…at all.

THE LINE: Hayworth +8%

New York –19^th District

Julian Schreibman (D) vs. Chris Gibson (R)

Square-jawed highly decorated military veteran Chris Gibson (presently representing New York’s old 20^th district) appears poised to trounce the well-spoken former Federal DA and CIA Analyst Julian Schreibmann. For all of his accomplishment, Schreibmann can’t seem to shake the fact that he…well…doesn’t quite look like a guy who’s been defending America. He may have prosecuted terrorists. However, that would ignore the fact that…damn…does he look jewy.

THE LINE: Gibson +14%

Ohio –6^th District

Charlie Wilson (D) vs. Bill Johnson (R)

No, not THAT Charlie Wilson. He’s dead. This Charlie Wilson lost his seat in the 2010 tide and looks unlikely to reclaim it.

THE LINE: Johnson +9%

Ohio—7^th District

Joyce Healy-Abrams (D) vs. Bob Gibbs (R)

Depopulation led to Ohio’s 18^th congressional district partially being absorbed into a brand new 7^th. Another Tide Republican who has largely kept a low profile, Gibbs-- (presently representing the 18^th-- has stuck mostly to bipartisan farm bills and remains favored to fend off Case Western’s Joyce Healy Abrams (a fairly decent looking cougar)

THE LINE: Gibbs +10%

Pennsylvania –6^th District

Manan Trivedi (D) vs. Jim Gerlach (R)

Who will be the congressman from Norristown? A more salient question would be, who the soul-sucking fuck would want to be the congressman from Norristown? This hideously depressing municipality aside, Pennsylvania’s sixth is carefully drawn to incorporate the more affluent and hence conservative Philadelphia suburbs. The district is barely continuous, resembling more of a series of jutting peninsulas than anything else. Bureaucratic beast Jim Gerlach has represented the district for a decade and will continue to do so in spite of a spirited effort from ER Physician Manan Trivedi.

THE LINE: Gerlach +15%

Pennsylvania –7^th District

George Badgey (D) vs. Pat Meehan (R)

Another carefully calibrated Philly Suburbs district looks unlikely to change hands anytime soon. Despite the fact this was formerly Joe Sestak’s district, Meehan has been ridiculously conservative, and that challenger George Badgey is a Mummer and one of Philly’s favorite sons, these areas of Delware, Montgomery, Lancaster, Chester, and Berks counties have only gotten richer and redder over the years.

THE LINE: Meehan +9%

Pennsylvania –8^th District

Kathy Boockvar (D) vs. Mike Fitzpatrick (R)

For some three consecutive cycles two Irish moderates, Mike Fitzpatrick and Patrick Murphy, battled for control of this densely urban district that includes Levittown and Northeast Philadelphia. Longtime Phillytown Public Affairs Advocacy Lawyer Kathy Boockvar mounts a spirited, if largely symbolic campaign against an extremely prudent Fitzpatrick, who has kept largely quiet for two years.

Er…your boy Vicey may or may not have a slight crush on Kathy.

THE LINE: Fitzpatrick +14%

Virginia –2^nd District

Paul Hirschbiel (D) vs. Scott Rigell (R)

Mostly military personnel in this surprisingly dynamic and competitive district. It’s gone from red to blue back to red in the last three cycles. The fact that Obama proved victorious over John McCain in a district strewn with Naval bases constituted a huge embarrassment for the national ticket. The republican controlled legislature thus incorporated more inland rural areas to the West of Virginia Beach and Newport News during the 2010 Census redistricting to solidify the hold. Businessman Paul Hirschbiel hasn’t been able to catch fire and retention for Rigell looks likely, particularly if Romney carries Virginia.

THE LINE: Rigell +14%

Wisconsin –7^th District

Patrick Kreitlow (D) vs. Sean Duffy (R)

Sean Duffy may have been a Reality TV Star (“Real World: Boston”), but he’s put on a lumberjack’s flannel shirt and Wisconsin’s new 7^th district has been gerrymandered straight red. In a “Battle of the Television Personalities”, former local news anchor Patrick Kreitlow has also put on a flannel shirt and rather inconspicuously allowed himself to be photographed on a riding mower and piloting a motor boat.

In the end, the voters of Wisconsin will decide which entertainment personality sports the more likeable “Working Man’s” Flannel Shirt. Let this be a lesson to all youngsters considering a career in American Politics: Don’t throw away those flannel shirts! You cannot possibly imagine how crucial they are.

THE LINE: Duffy +9%

Wisconsin—8^th District

Jamie Wall (D) vs. Reid Ribble (R)

2010 Tea Party entrant Reid Ribble not only has a great porn name, he’s had the common sense to lay low for most of his first term. Outspoken at the beginning, he quickly learned to shut up, giving the Dems little ammunition against him. Democratic candidate Jamie Wall is generally perceived as weak and unlikely to present a threat.

THE LINE: Ribble+14%

Florida –10^th District

Val Jennings (D) vs. Daniel Webster (R)

Oh yes. Daniel Webster: The asshole who proposed the trans-vaginal ultrasound is running against a woman. One might as well label this wacky district (formerly Florida’s 8^th) “Cartoonville”. It contains Orlando and Walt Disney World. It elected Democratic whack job Allan Grayson in 2008. It then replaced him with Republican looney tunes character Webster in 2010. The citizens of this district must obviously be coked out of their heads most of the time. That being said, will they elect the black female former chief of the Orlando Police Department?

Shit, I hope not. As much as I despise Webster, it’s NEVER a good idea to put a cop in power. Okay….maybe those who have made rank. No, no, no, no. NEVER. NEVER. Take this ghostwriter’s word for it. Say no to cops. Most of them are so dumb they have to cheat their way through Devry.

One more thing to add. This district was stolen from Louisiana in the 1990 Census reapportionment. Fuck these people.

THE LINE: Webster +22%

Florida –13^th District

Jessica Ehrlich (D) vs. Bill Young (R)

Practically the entire old 10^th district now becomes the 13^th. No matter what they call this enclave on the central west coast that includes Dunedin, Bill Young has been representing it since the 70s. The Dems have all but given up. This year they’ve fielded Jessica Ehrlich. She’s smoking hot. That’s about all.

THE LINE: Young +28%

Florida–16^th District

Keith Fitzgerald (D) vs. Vern Buchanan (R)

Blah..blah…blah..blah…blah…The old 13^th is now the 16^th. Vern Buchanan is a world-class asshole. Former State Representative and current Community College professor Keith Fitzgerald will have a lot to tell his students about next semester.

THE LINE: Buchanan +26%

Michigan –3^rd District

Steve Petska (D) vs. Justin Amash (R)

Tea Party Frat Boy Justin Amash has certainly done his best to lose his seat, even in this increasingly wealthy and increasingly red district. He’s a great deal dumber than even the dumbest frat guy you’ve ever had in a seminar. He’s wasted everyone’s time in the House introducing resolutions to outlaw “communist economic planning policies” and five separate anti-abortion measures. Here’s the only problem: He’s a libertarian darling. After he listed his staff salaries and budgets, posted comprehensive details of his voting record on Facebook, and flooded other social media cites with quotable platitudes, they all fell in love. No way he loses, even if the polls suggest otherwise. His policies notwithstanding, he’s a digital age candidate who knows just how to speak to people fucking off at work. Er…in other words…”everyone.”

He’ll run for President someday.

THE LINE: Amash +7%

Montana –ONLY DISTRICT

Kim Gillan (D) vs. Steve Daines (R)

Hehehe. Okay, okay the technical term for a state with only one congressional district is “Montana at Large”. I nevertheless derive some satisfaction from pointing out that these states, where nobody fucking lives, still get the power to block every piece of meaningful legislation in the senate! Grrr.

Speaking of the Senate, long-time Montana-at-large congressman Denny Rehberg has put on his best flannel shirt and gone to challenge democratic incumbent John Tester. His anointed successor, Steve Daines, running on the platform “Faith, Freedom, and Opportunity”. Long-time State Senator Kim Gillian has a Master’s from Cornell, but doesn’t really know how to tag a five-point buck.

Actually…for all I know, she probably can hunt. Can’t everyone in Montana? Anyway, former Procter and Gamble Exec Daines consistently leads in the polls.

THE LINE: Daines +14%

North Dakota –ONLY DISTRICT

Pam Gulleson (D) vs. Kevin Cramer (R)

After less than one term, GOP incumbent Rick Berg is off to run for senate. North Dakota’s Public Service Commissioner Kevin Cramer looks set to stomp state rep Pam Gulleson. According to Cramer’s own campaign website, he’s (through keeping energy rates low) enhanced [North Dakota’s] position in the competitive global marketplace.” Watch out world. North Dakota’s on the map! Yeah! Get yourself an atlas. He also oversaw the state’s lucrative tourism trade. Apparently, tourism in North Dakota is now a billion dollar industry.

Wait a second….who are you people? Who the hell is going to North Dakota?

THE LINE: Cramer +22%

Texas –14^th District

Nick Lampson (D) vs. Randy Weber (R)

Court-ordered redistricting of Ron Paul’s old district. In this instance, the new lines favor the democrats. The populist blue-collar regions of Beaumont and Galveston are back together for the first time since 2004. Back to reclaim his old populist perch is democratic former congressman Nick Swardson, who represented the old district for ten years before the infamous Tom Delay redistricting. Early polls gave Lampson a shot, but this bookie sees no way that the National GOP will allow Paul’s district to go blue. The TV ad carpet-bombing has commenced…and it’s working.

THE LINE: Weber +11%

Category Two—DEEP BLUE

Colorado –7^th District

Joe Coors (R) vs. Earl Perlmutter (D)

Oh the Coors family just never knows when to give up. After Pete’s failed senate run in 2010, it’s Joe’s turn. Can’t you guys just focus on making a better tasting beer already? Perlmutter rode 2006 Democratic wave and has only gotten more popular since.

THE LINE: Perlmutter +9%

Connecticut –4^th District

Steve Obsitnik (R) vs. Jim Hines (D)

Democrat Jim Hines remained one of the few to fend off the Republican wave in 2010. This go around, challenger Steve Obsitnik’s campaign has been sclerotic to say the least. Hines will likely win big in a traditionally liberal New England haven.

THE LINE: Hines +19%

Connecticut –5^th District

Andrew Roraback (R) vs. Elizabeth Esty (D)

With Patrick Murphy off to challenge for Joe Lieberman’s old Senate seat, voters appear to back local attorney Elizabeth Esty over highly experienced state legislator Andrew Roraback in this Western district that borders New York and has some 40,000 more registered democrats.

           

THE LINE: Esty +7%

Iowa—1^st District

Ben Lange (R) vs. Bruce Braley (D)

Working in a factory,

Out on the edge of town,

Got my union card,

Crickets make a nice sound

“This is ooour country”

Redistricting has left Iowa’s 1^st decidedly…er…”Mellencampish”. Even though incumbent Bruce Braley only defeated Ben Lange by a paltry one percent back in 2010, this time around he’ll garner the support of plenty of men in overalls. Additionally, the DNC won’t turn the faucet off here. Challenger Ben Lange may have been the son of a meat plant worker. However….

“This is ooour country”

THE LINE: Braley +12%

Iowa –2^nd District

John Archer (R) vs. Dave Loebsack (D)

Dave Loebsack strolled into this seat in 2006 and has gotten quite comfortable. The professorial former Poli-Sci academic sports a scholar beard along with those trustworthy “teacher frames”. This combo proved sufficient for voters, sufficient enough for him to survive the 2010 Red Tide. He’ll surely prevail again against John Archer, who resembles one of his students more than anything.

THE LINE: Loebsack +7%

Kentucky –6^th District

Andy Barr (R) vs. Ben Chandler (D)

The whimsical Chandler has represented this deeply red district since 2004 and voters continue to reward him for his fierce independent streak. Though he voted against the Affordable Care Act, and Dodd-Frank, he also voted against “Cut, Cap, & Balance”, the “Repeal of the Job-Killing Obamacare Act of 2010” (Sadly that’s more or less what the actual bill was titled), and TARP. The man says no a lot. Nevertheless, he said yes to the Stimulus Plan and most S-CHIP initiatives. TV Ads depict him as “an honest man who votes Kentucky’s conscience.” He barely edged out Andy Barr in the Red Tide of 2010. This time he looks to be safe.

THE LINE: Chandler +6%

Massachusetts –6^th District

Richard Tisei (R) vs. John Tierney (D)

One hesitates to label this district “Deep Blue”. Tierney presently has a street fight on his hands. His House voting record belies a deeper shade of Blue than a district that overwhelmingly supported former governor Mitt Romney and current senator Scott Brown may be comfortable with. Moreover, Tierney faces corruption allegations that have thrown his campaign into full-blown defensive mode. State Senator Richard Tisei certainly constitutes a strong challenger. In the end, however, one must run with the trend of an ever-bluer Massachusetts. This cycle, the state appears committed to a sound rejection of its former governor. Some of the more in-depth polls reveal voter resentment with Romeny’s public representation of his gubernatorial term….along with some vaguely defined Kennedy nostalgia. Tierney remains the favorite.

THE LINE: Tierney +3%

New York –1^st District

Randy Altschuler (R) vs. Tim Bishop (D)

Former university Provost Tim Bishop has represented eastern Long Island since 2002, elected in what was an exceptionally strong year for the GOP. Princeton and Harvard Alum Randy Altschuler may possess quite the pedigree, but his campaign hasn’t been able to gain traction against the long-term incumbent for some reason.

Something of a shame really, considering Altschuler has some sparkling credentials and this Shadow Scholar would love to see an academic administrator lose.

THE LINE: Bishop +9%

New York –21^st District

Matt Doheny (R) vs. Bill Owens (D)

The “New” 21^st considerably favors Owens, who already defeated Doheny during the Red Tide two years ago.

THE LINE: Owens +17%

New York –24^th District

Ann Marie-Buerkle (R) vs. Dan Maffei (D)

Ditto to New York’s “New” 24^th. Yes, the Democrats know how to gerrymander. Two incumbents face off to retain their seats. Maffei looks to win the cage match.

THE LINE: Maffei +6%

New York –25^th District

Maggie Brooks (R) vs. Louise Slaughter (D)

Ditto to New York’s “New” 25^th. Louisa Slaughter has represented Rochester since my father was throwing my newly potty-trained ass in the pool for not picking up my toys. She’s got even bluer areas buttressing her thanks to redistricting.

THE LINE: Slaughter +16%

Rhode Island –1^st District

Brendan Doherty (R) vs. David Cicilline (D)

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? If you’re wondering how in the hell Rhode Island has more than one congressional district…..congratulations. Former Providence Mayor David Cicilline won this seat in 2010….in spite of the Republican Wave…in spite of the fact that he’s openly gay. He looks to clobber a wholly incoherent dipshit of a challenger this go around.

THE LINE: Cicilline +11%

Washington –1^st District

John Koster (R) vs. Susan DelBene (D)

Popular four-term congressman left to run for governor. His anointed successor, former Microsoft executive Susan Delbene, got off to a sluggish start. It would appear, however, that she’s capitalized on his inconsistencies of former farmhand John Koster…enough to win Northwest Seattle in any event.

THE LINE: Delbene +8%

Arizona –1^st District

Jonathan Patton (R) vs. Ann Kirkpatrick (D)

Business lawyer Ann Kirkpatrick lost her 1^st District seat to Republican Paul Gosar, who is now running for Arizona’s new 4^th, in 2010. She’ll likely regain her seat as Army veteran Jonathan Patton is….well…he’s a bit of flake. Sorry. Look, it pains me much to talk smack about anyone who has served. Hate to do this. I just have to. It simply cannot be true that everyone who put on a uniform may automatically be assumed to be genius. Idiots exist everywhere. Are there none in our military?

THE LINE: Kirkpatrick +12%

Arizona –2^nd District

Marta McSally (R) vs. Ron Barber (D)

How dumb are Arizona Republicans? They had the power to redistrict and they redistricted this seat right into the Democrats’ hands. Public Sector veteran Ron Barber succeeded Gabbie Giffords and now has the Phoenix suburbs at his disposal. Air Force veteran Marta McSally remains eminently qualified (not to mention quite the looker), but she won’t win here.

THE LINE: Barber +9%

California—3^rd District

Kim Vann (R) vs. John Garamendi (D)

What was once the 10^th is now the 3^rd. Former Lieutenant Governor John Garimendi, thanks to a special election, has been elected twice in under three years. Opponent Kim Vann…might consider posing for Playboy. She’s a natural.

THE LINE: Garamendi +22%

California –16^th District

Brian Whelan (R) vs. Jim Costa (D)

Another complicated Re-districting Tango. Are we ready? The “New” 16^th used to be the 18^th. Representative Dennis Cardoza pimped the 18^th, but opted to retire. That leaves Jim Costa, who for years has represented the 20^th (Now the 17^th) to defend this seat as an incumbent. Up to speed? Costa stands little chance of losing against underachieving lawyer Brian Whelan.

THE LINE: Costa +15%

New Mexico –1^st District

Janice Arnold-Jones (R) vs. Michelle Lujian Grisham (D)

This dusty, ultra-rural district has been consistently blue for over a decade. Conversely, it’s always elected Republican representatives until 2008. Two-term Rep Martin Heinrich wishes to vie for Jeff Bingham’s senate seat, meaning we’ve got an open contest….or do we. Attorney Michelle Grisham has been kicking the ass of State Rep Janice Arnold Jones in the polls. She even calls herself a “proud Democrat”. There’s not a bluer district in the country.

THE LINE: Grisham +18%

West Virginia –3^rd District

Rick Snuffer (R) vs. Nick Rahall (D)

“Welcome to Wild, Wonderful, West Virginia”! Whenever driving north, I eagerly awaited that glorious sign. It meant I could FINALLY step on the gas and make some time. West Virginia remains predominantly a conservative coal mining state. Curiously enough, the modus operandi of the state remains liberal economics and social conservatism. Isn’t that interesting? Take the average pseudo-intellectual you’re likely to meet. He/She will tell you that they’re a “fiscal conservative” and “social liberal”. The wild and wonderful people of West Virginia buck the whole trend. They love government money AND their religion! Cool no?

Okay technically, most of the South loves government money AND their religion, but at least the people of West Virginia are proud enough to admit it. I love them. I love their state. I’d love to work in a coal mine until I die of Black Lung disease. What do I have to lose? As a smoker, I’m killing myself at three times the rate of a coal miner anyway.

Rahall has been elected for 18 (yes, 18!!) consecutive terms. Essentially a Republican, he’ll win against state Rep Rick Snuffer. One doesn’t “out hillbilly” another hillbilly in West Virginia.

THE LINE: Rahall +11%

Illinois –8^th District

Joe Walsh (R) vs. Tammy Duckworth (D)

Is it finally Tammy’s turn? She lost in 2004 and 2006. Now she’s back with a vengeance. The Dems have been grooming her for quite some time. Eventually they gave the paraplegic Iraq war-veteran a cabinet level position in the Department of Veteran’s Affairs, a speaking role at the convention, and the requisite panache to convince Illinois voters that she’s up to the task.

In truth she’s been greatly aided by the missteps of Joe Walsh, who has persistently committed the egregious error of recognizing her service, then denouncing her for it. He’s also burnished his Tea Party credentials when he really should have shut the fuck up. Shitty move, Joe. Time’s up.

THE LINE: Duckworth +5%

Illinois –17^th District

Bobby Schilling (R) vs. Cheri Bustos (D)

Pizza Shop owner Bobby Schilling upset two-termer Phil Hare during the 2010 Republican Wave in a district that has been solid blue since I was born. He then proceeded to make the classic freshman congressman’s mistake: He got loquacious. Schilling stands little of a chance in one of the bluest of states defending a seat in a district that the Democratic-controlled legislature has made even bluer. Have I mentioned that his opponent is a highly recognizable and an especially attractive journalist?

THE LINE: Bustos +5%

New Hampshire –2^nd District

Charlie Bass (R) vs. Ann McLane-Kuster (D)

Voter registration trends indicate that this Vermont border district gets exponentially bluer each cycle. Scandal-clad Charlie Bass barely held on in 2010 against non-profit advocacy veteran Ann McLane-Kuster and he looks unlikely to survive Round 2.

THE LINE: McLane-Kuster +3%

Maryland –6^th District

Roscoe Bartlett (R) vs. John Delaney (D)

Roscoe Barlett has the dubious honor of being the second longest serving Republican in the house. In what looks to be a bad year for long-term incumbents, voters appear set to toss out the 86-year-old Bartlett, who appeared mildly senile when defending himself against ethical improprieties. The District has been redrawn to incorporate the traditionally liberal D.C. suburbs and attorney John Delaney has run a cautious, disciplined campaign.

THE LINE: Delaney +6%

Category Three—DEEP PURPLE

California –7^th District

Dan Lungren (R) vs. Ami Bera (D)

Three-term GOP Rep Dan Lundgren would ordinarily be considered a shoe-in…were he still representing the 3^rd California congressional district. The “New” 7^th incorporates ALL of Sacramento, a burgeoning town of sclerotic political affiliation. He faces a strong challenge from UC Davis Medical Dean of Admissions Ami Bera. Lungren handily won the primary, but the amount of money poured in by both parties leaves us with a hazy forecast. This notwithstanding, this bookie anticipates that Lungren will prevail. 

THE LINE: Lundgren +6%

California –9^th District

Jerry McNerney (D) vs. Ricky Gill (R)

Three-term former 11^th District Rep Jerry McNerney fights for his life. While it may seem counterintuitive that a Democrat faces trouble in Wine Country, I reiterate that the obscenely rich call central valley home. Local Boy Ricky Gill has proven that he knows how to ride a tractor and discuss grapes. A ridiculously tight race only retains a favorite based on voter registration rolls.

THE LINE: McNerney +1%

California –24^th District

Lois Capps (D) vs. Abel Maldonado (R)

Ahem….welcome to the California’s Central Coast. Yes…godammit…The “Monterey District.”. Let’s keep this civil. Some of you may be aware that I once called this region home. I’ll maintain some magnanimity and declare that everyone should at least once have the pleasure of jogging alongside the Pacific Ocean.

Now magnanimity can lick my balls. Other than a few sublime trots alongside the Pacific Waves, don’t ask me about the local scenery. Don’t bother inquiring about Big Sur. Never been there. No point in broaching Laguna Seca. Never seen it. I can tell you all about the university library, the one in which I spent 98% of my time working myself to a point beyond any state of exhaustion I’ve yet known.

I’ve a few words to compose regarding the importance of pushing oneself in one’s academic endeavors. Strive to consistently improve yourself, kids. Never accept what standards may have been deemed appropriate in your past. Spend every waking moment refining your craft. When it feels as if you can’t give any more, double down in the belief that following your life’s passion will indelibly prove its own reward.

Should you heed this advice, you may have privilege of reaping the same prizes I have: thoroughly degrading humiliation, the complete and utter destruction of one’s familial ties, an utterly cynical worldview that borders on nihilism, and an inherent frustration with anyone who purports to know something about the benefits of higher education.

Yes, all of this can be yours. You merely have to hand over all of your money to a bunch of mediocre professors. Following this, be sure to invest some faith in them as well. Don’t forget to torture yourself in the hopes that perhaps one day they might find locate some vague sense of appreciation for all of your hard work and commitment. Never trust yourself. It’s always your fault. Remember that.

Whew. Where were we? Oh right. You might recall Abel Maldonado as the broccoli/alfalfa farmer who broke the Assembly’s budget impasse back during the Schwarzenegger administration. He’s a moderate. Capps is also a moderate. One cannot begin to speculate on the outcome of this race. We’ve got a pick, gentlemen.

THE LINE: Pick em’

California –26^th District

Tony Strickland (R) vs. Julia Brownley (D)

Trial lawyer Tony Strickland cruised in the primary…albeit against four other Democrats and a strong Independent. Impossible to predict which way this one will swing. We’ve got another pick.

THE LINE: Pick em’

California—52^nd District

Brian Bilbray (R) vs. Scott Peters (D)

According to polls and the primary, Bilbray appears to have opened up a comfortable – possibly insurmountable – lead. Peter’s campaign has, however, been gaining momentum as of late and voters in a new district, which encompasses much of suburban San Diego, may tire of career politician Bilbray’s stump speech. 

THE LINE: Bilbray +5%

Colorado—6^th District

Mike Coffman (R) vs. Joe Miklosi (D)

Coffman ran counter to the 2008 Blue Tide, claiming Tom Tancredo’s old seat. True, it’s a conservative district. He nevertheless faces a tough battle against experienced and popular state legislator Joe Miklosi. Polls have proven nothing besides proving inconclusive. Gentlemen, we have yet another pick.

THE LINE: Pick em’

Illinois—10^th District

Robert Dold (R) vs. Brad Schneider (D)

Former Dan Quayle intern Robert Dold held Mark Kirk’s House seat in 2010, but faces stiff competition from a Jew with deep roots in the Northern Chicago suburbs.

THE LINE: Dold +1%

Illinois—11^th District

Judy Biggert (R) vs. Bill Foster (D)

The “New” Illinois 11^th comprises about half of incumbent Judy Biggert’s territory. That may prove insufficient to fend off former Fermilab physicist Bill Foster. This one is close enough to render one cross-eyed.

THE LINE: Pick em’

Illinois –12^th District

Jason Plummer (R) vs. Bill Enyart (D)

Retired General Bill Enyart’s campaign has been extremely slow to take off, thanks in large part to a sordid mess of primaries that left his selection up to committee. He finally appears to be ahead of lumber-executive Jason Plummer, if only by a hair.

THE LINE: Enyart +1%

Illinois--13^th District

Rodney Davis (R) vs. David Gill (D)

Former congressional staffer Rodney Davis holds the edge here, if only because the democrats are divided after physician David Gill won a VERY closely contested primary.

THE LINE: Davis +4%

Pennsylvania –12^th District

Mark Critz (D) vs. Keith Rothfus (R)

Now this is a seriously fucked up district. One word: Johnstown. The district was heavily democratic under pork champion John Murtha for ages. The egotistical Murtha even garnered enough federal money to buy his own airport, which he naturally named after himself. Mark Critz assumed duties after his death, but the claw-like district that resembles something of iron fist around suburban Pittsburgh remains unpredictable. It voted for Kerry in 2004, then McCain in 2008. This district knows how back losers…included and especially Murtha. This bookie insists it will back Romney this time.

THE LINE: Rothfus +4%

Utah –4^th District

Jim Matheson (D) vs. Mia Love (R)

Can this be right? Utah classified as a “toss-up”? Utah? UTAH? Allow me explain. First of all, Utah has four congressional districts. Yes, that Utah. Second, son of former democratic governor Scott Matheson has fended off Republican efforts to re-district him out for over a decade. Third, he may have finally met his match. Finally…..are we ready…Republicans are putting up former Saratoga Springs mayor Mia Love. Who is Mia Love? She’s a Black Mormon. How many Black Mormons are there? More than you’d like to know about. Plenty. I don’t have the percentages sitting before me, but they exist….in droves.

“Nobody Knows: The Story of Black Mormons” happens to be a great documentary worth a look if you can find the time. This race represents a GOP Wet Dream. If they can get a female Black Mormon elected to congress, any issues concerning Romney’s religion die forever. It will be close. Ultimately, however, your friendly bookie predicts Utah voters will treat the Black Mormon candidate much in the same way that they treat Black Mormons….as loyal subordinates who will have a different skin color after they enter the Celestial Kingdom.

THE LINE: Matheson +3%

North Carolina –7^th District

Mike McIntyre (D) vs. David Rouzer (R)

The Democrats own this district. To be perfectly precise, the “New Deal” Democrats own this district. History shall be made, as McIntyre appears to be the last in the line. State Senator David Rouzer has his number. McIntyre barely emerged victorious against a doofus in 2010. He’ll almost surely lose now.

THE LINE: Rouzer +2%

New York –27^th District

Kathy Hochul (D) vs. Chris Collins (R)

You guys know this district. C’mon now. Anyone remember GOP Rep Chris Lee? The guy posing shirtless on Craigslist? Yeah..he’s gone and the Rochester suburbs won’t support Collins….no matter how absurdly small businesses he’s created.

THE LINE: Hochul +2%

Florida –18^th District

Allen West (R) vs. Patrick Murphy (D)

This needs to be said….no fewer than three of my conservative friends were dumb enough to suggest that Romney should have selected Allen West as his running mate. The common logic, if I may paraphrase, was “uhhh…yeah…he’s black. Let’s prove that black people are the real racists.” With all due respect, you morons are a bunch of ill-informed twats. Allen West is mentally unstable. The man belongs in a padded cell along with Kanye West and Jesse Jackson Jr. He suffers from bi-polar disorder. No, it’s not official, but let’s examine a few events.

1) When Debbie Wasserman-Schultz intimated that a congressman from South Florida shouldn’t vote against Medicare he responded by saying:

“You are the most vile, unprofessional, and despicable member of the U.S. House of Representatives. Events continue to prove that you are not a lady.”

2) West once insisted that there were 70 to 80 members of the Democratic Party that were secretly communist.

3) West has repeatedly insisted that black democrats are trying to “keep him on the plantation” and that he’s a “modern day Harriett Tubman”.

4) West once remarked that those who voted for Obama were “threats to the gene pool.”

5) West once compared Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison (a converted Muslim), “the antithesis of the principles upon which this country was founded.”

Surely there are those among you perusing this list and saying, “right on, brother.” You’re not alone. Sarah Palin and Glen Beck have also endorsed him as a presidential candidate. My message to all of you is as follows:

Understanding the scope of the world and your miniscule place in it takes some reading. Try it sometime. Try doing something other than listening to a rouge sound bite on FOX News and pretending as if you’re some sort of genius who has it all figured out. Take this blog for example. Rudimentary research on 152 congressional candidates may not seem like much, but it requires some effort and a bit of thought. Try that sometime. You’re not the lone genius….out there safeguarding and proselytizing the truth. If you still think you are, you’re as worthless as Sarah Palin and Glen Beck. One day your mental impairment will catch up with you….just as it will Allen West.

Mark my words. He’ll be re-elected, then suffer a psychotic breakdown before 2014.

THE LINE: West +5%

Florida –26^th District

Dan Riveria (R) vs. Joe Garcia (D)

Difficult to handicap a district that didn’t exist before this election. Two Latinos vie for Monroe and Miami-Dade. Hands off insofar as this bookie is concerned.

THE LINE: Pick em’

Iowa –4^th District

Steve King (R) vs. Christie Vilsack (D)

Can the wife of former Iowa governor/presidential candidate/vice-presidential contender Tom Vilsack unseat the chairman of the “House Googly-eyed Caucus”? I certainly hope so, but the polls suggest otherwise. Care to learn something about congressman Steve King? Aside from the fact that he never shuts up about “the oppression of the white man”, here’s what he had to say about the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare):

“If there is a sexual predator out there who has impregnated a young girl, say a 13-year-old girl..that sexual predator could pick that girl up off the playground at the middle school and haul her across the state line and force her to get an abortion to eradicate the evidence of his crime and bring her back and drop her off at the swing set and that’s not against the law in the United States of America.”

Now, now. Let’s try to figure out what the congressman was talking about. Oh fuck it….I’m too tired to try and figure out what the fuck he’s talking about. The point is…the man’s a dolt like the world has never seen before….and he’ll be re-elected for a fifth term.

THE LINE: King +3%

Michigan –1^st District

Dan Benishek (R) vs. Gary McDowell (D)

Must one really write something about a heavy Tea Party District that relies on Federal Funding? I’m so pissed off about this contradiction that I can hardly type. Why must this always be so? Why are the “government teat” districts always the ones who happen to insist that the government shows them nothing?

THE LINE: Pick em’

Michigan –11^th District

Kerry Bentivolio (R) vs. Syed Taj (D)

Finally we arrive at the most insane race in this year’s election. After a primary bloodbath, Reindeer farmer Kerry Bentivolio (who shows early signs of dementia) faces of against loopy Indian medic Syed Taj. For fuck’s sake, one of these guys will represent Michigan in congress.

THE LINE: Bentivolio +4%

Minnesota –8^th District

Rick Nolan (D) vs. Chip Cravaack (R)

Republican wave-rider Chip Cravaack leaned a bit too far to the right for this district’s taste. The Dems have drafted former congressman Rick Nolan to unseat him…and appear to have a slight upper hand.

THE LINE: Nolan+2%

New Hampshire –1^st District

Frank Guinta (R) vs. Carol Shea-Porter (D)

Guinta and Carol Shea Porter have been trading places since 2006. No telling which one win this round of musical chairs.

THE LINE: Pick em’

Nevada –3^rd District

Joe Heck (R) vs. John Ocueguera (D)

Attorney John Ocueguera may have barely lost to Joe Heck in 2010, but this bookie doesn’t believe the hype. The Las Vegas suburbs belong to the GOP.

THE LINE: Heck+8%

Texas –23^rd District

Francisco Canseco (R) vs. Pete Gallego (D)

Thanks to Tom Delay, Texas districts are fucked up beyond all recognition (FUBAR). Two Latino state representatives fight for the right to be the moderate representative of El Paso. Yippee.

THE LINE: Canseco+5%

FINAL PROJECTION:

113^th United States House of Representatives

237 Republicans

198 Democrats

(Democrats gain five seats)

GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS