Introduction—“A Group of Life”
(Columbia, Cote d’Ivoire, Greece, Japan)
Gentlemen, we have our first “Group of Life”! The bizarre
draw that preceded this tournament left us with us with an unprecedented THREE
groups of life and ONE “Group of Überdeath”. All four teams here are very much
in contention to go as deep as the Quarterfinals. What fun!
Trying to make sense out of this group proves harder than
writing a dissertation on EU Agricultural Policy four Pißwassers deep. If the
FIFA Rankings are to be believed (and they’re not) the debutante Coffee Growers
are the favorites to claim top spot. That’s simply ludicrous, as uplifting a
story as it may be.
Former Argentine National Coach Jose Pekerman has done a
fantastic job turning the entire program around. He’s pulled the country out of
obscurity with an innovative approach to team building. He’s benched his
highest paid players, only inserting them as late subs in crucial games. He’s
experimented with no fewer than six distinctly different formations all
throughout qualifying. He’s tired Guarin at striker, moved Falcao way back in
the midfield, and given Armero a shot on the wing.
All of Pekerman’s enterprising moves have been undertaken
whilst he keeps a core group of about 35 players together. Most national
managers employ three times as many call-ups over the course of a two-year
qualifying campaign. Pekerman may send the message to his players that sacred
cows are intolerable, but he simultaneously instills in them the belief that
they are part of a valued close-knit group. While their roles are a subject of
speculation, their presence certainly isn’t.
The “Coffee Growers” constitute the “Feel Good Story of the
Summer” for a whole confluence of reasons, two of which even casual Stateside
fans will find immediately familiar. First, Columbia hasn’t qualified for a
World Cup since 1998, back when Carlos Valderama was playing for now defunct
MLS teams named (no joke) “The Miami Fusion” and “Tampa Bay Mutiny”. Everybody
remember Carlos? You’ll recognize him immediately if I put his picture up.
Valderama was among the first crop of foreign stars
recruited to play in MLS during its nascent fledgling days. Back in those days
there were no “Soccer Only” Stadiums. Matches were played on American Football
Astroturf, with the yardlines and hash marks clearly visible. The clock stopped
when the ball went out into touch. ; ( : (
There are plenty of football fans who still consider MLS a
joke, but you should have seen it in its early days ; ( Hideously ugly uniforms.
Teams with ridiculous names. Empty stadiums. Own goals galore. We were all
certain that Vince McMahon’s XFL had a better chance of surviving. Just when we
were absolutely certain that MLS would go the way of the NASL, Valderama and
other higher caliber players showed up. They made their contributions to the
foundering league with a significantly higher style of play that made the
fixtures (almost) watchable. Fans also began to show up, curious to see how
more experienced international veterans would perform Fifteen some odd years
later, the games are still fairly choppy, but eminently watchable thanks to
loyal fan bases that wave flags, chant songs, and beat drums Valderama deserves
a lot of credit for getting the league o a professional footing.
Secondly, as pertains to Columbia, U.S. fans will always
have a heart for the national tragedy upon which interest in their national
team was built. American football enthusiasts wanted their team to garner more
domestic attention, but definitely not at the cost of another man’s life.
During the 1994 World Cup in the USA, the country took a brief respite from
“O.J.-Mania to watch their team advance past the group stage for the first time
since the inaugural World Cup in 1930. The Yanks barely went through after eking
out a narrow victory against Columbia. (Back in those days only 24 nations
competed in six groups. Third place teams advanced).
The hosts wouldn’t have even gotten that far were it not for
an own goal by defender Andres Escobar. That mistake cost Escobar his life. He
was assassinated by the Columbian drug cartel two weeks later. They evidently
placed enormous sums of money on a Columbian victory. Gambling losses outside
the Syndicate are evidently just a mite more serious ; ( ; (
So we have a human-interest story. After sixteen years of
torpor the Columbians are finally back under a magician of a manager. Their
Kader features genuine international stars like Radamel Falcao, Jackson
Martinez, Adrian Ramos, Christian Zapata, and Pablo Armero. They blazed through
COMNEBOL Qualifying, finished a mere two points behind regional powerhouse
Argentina. Doe they deserve to be #6 in the world? YOU’RE CRAZY!!
The Japs also have a star-studded team under the auspices of
Italian manager Alberto Zaccheroni. They’re wildly underrated after a tepid
performance in last Summer’s Confederations Cup. Fernando Santos’s “To
Piratiko” features plenty of dangerous weapons that could light up just about
any match. At long last, the accursed Cote d’Ivoire ISN’T IN THE GROUP OF DEATH
ANYMORE. Les Elephants have had the profound misfortune to be in the hardest
group in both 2006 and 2010. No telling what they can accomplish given half a
chance. Let’s not forget how explosive they were at times during last year’s
African Cup of Nations.
IT’S WIDE OPEN, GENTLEMEN!!
Let’s get to work untangling this mess.
Columbia—“The
Coffee Growers”
One reason I appear to be dragging my feet on these odds
(apart from the very real hindrance of “having shit to do”) is that I continue
to scour my sources for news on Monaco striker Radamel Falcao. The former
Athletico man blew out his knee shortly after the New Year. He presently
attempts a comeback. In betting parlance, his return would be listed as
“questionable”. There’s hardly been an injury this closely followed since
Rooney’s in 2006. Pekerman still has him listed on a squad now three players
from final cutdown. We’ll just have to wait and see.
“El Tigre” means so very much to this team. He’s incredibly
explosive off the ball, smashing scoring records in virtually every league or
cup competition that he participates in. One still shouldn’t describe him as an
“indispensable cog” given that the Coffee Growers have a plethora of other
options to fill the attacking third. FC Porto Center Forward Jackson Martinez
is a very serviceable big-target man with impeccable heading ability. Herta BSC
point man Adrian Ramos possesses similar skills. Teofilio Gutierrez may not be
quite as tall, but he adds speed to the equation. Falcao’s Monaco teammate James
Rodriguez is the extremely mobile and highly technical midfield playmaker. The
ball perpetually appears to be glued to his left foot. He typically accumulates
as many assists as goals in any given season.
With James Rodriguez projected to serve as a sort of
“pseudo-striker”, it falls to Freddy Guarin stay back and aid the defense.
Guarin generally likes to roam, so it will be interesting to see if he can
stick to this assignment. The Columbian back four counts as among the best in
the tournament. They should have no problem closing ranks when necessary.
Projecting
the Columbian Lineup (4-4-2) |
Radamel
Falcao Teofilo
Gutierrez
|
|
James Rodriguez
Juan Cuardrado
|
|
Jackson
Martinez Freddy Guarin
|
|
Pablo Armero
Luis Perea
|
|
Christian Zapato Santiago Arias
|
|
David Ospina
|
The
Talisman— Radamel Falcao 
The 2013-2014 season began inauspiciously enough over at the
Vicente Calderon Stadium in the Arganzuela district of Madrid. Plenty of heads
sunk as Athletico M. was forced to sell their top player and only hope for a
successful campaign. As it turned out, Athletico turned their supposed
“rebuilding year” into one of the most improbably outstanding runs in the
history of La Liga. It was nevertheless perfectly understandable that those
heads were hanging low. Here’s why: “A
Syndicate Classic—Columbia”
From
WMQ 2009—“Das Fröliche Syndikat”:
Friday
Columbia vs. Ecuador
vs. 
What the FARC? Who are these “Coffee Growers”? No
seriously that’s their team’s nickname: “The Coffee Growers”. What the
rail-snorting fuck sort of name is that for a football team? Couldn’t they at
least have gone with “The Coffee Drinkers”?
Alright. We get it Columbia. You grow coffee too.
Sometimes one can defeat the purpose, i.e. piss on one’s own feet. Are we
supposed to forget about that other plant you grow simply because you titled
your team “The Coffee Growers”? In point of fact, it only serves to remind us.
This team is yet to qualify under my watch, though I did
write extensively on the women’s eleven back in 2011. They typically finish in
sixth place, but everything’s upside down this time. With peaking strikers like
Jackson Martinez of FC Porto and Radamel Falcao of Monaco, they’ve won
practically every match they were supposed to….save for one against Ecuador.
That’s why we have a pick.
Er…Antonio Mockus 2015!!!
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with A Vengeance”
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Uribe actually ended up standing down in favor of his defense
minister Juan Manuel dos Santos. Dos Santos easily demolished the very entertaining
Green Party candidate Antonius Mockus in the June 2010 runoff. I personally
found the result devastating, as Mockus was an accomplished Mathematician who
relinquished his academic career in order to become a professional political
satirist. After his eccentric musings caught the attention of the national
media, he successfully waged a campaign to obtain the office of mayor of
Bogotá.
The bearded chain-smoking city chief would report to work in
sandals and shorts. He hired the San Francisco Mime Troop to make fun of
traffic violators. He sponsored mandatory open-air festival holidays, shutting
down the entire city and giving attendees free vouchers. He brought the concept
of “Ladies Night” to the city, offering bars tax credits for in proportion to their
drink specials. Of course he also extended potable drinking water, sewage, and
electricity to the entire city. He drove down the homicide and traffic fatality
rates by over half, but that’s not so amusing. In short, love him or hate him,
you’d enjoy having a beer with a character like him. Sure, like any dirty
hippie, he doesn’t truly understand Economics. Still, show me a politician from
either the right or the left who actually does and I’ll buy you a beer.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Cote
d’Ivoire—“Les Elephants”
Everyone’s given up on them. Too old. Too slow. Too
predictable. Projecting the Ivorian lineup is all too easy. It’s not as if
Sabri Lamouchi commands a very versatile eleven. It’s obvious to anyone which
players will be occupying which positions. Every last role seems carefully
proscribed, not exactly a bonus in a game that relies upon improvisation. The
country’s disappointing exit from the 2013 African Cup of Nations sways opinion
to a certain extent. Drogba (then still suffering the lingering effects of what
can only be described as a “Chinese Hangover”) often looked ice-cold. Mainstays
Soloman Kalou and Emmanuel Eboue didn’t look much better. Lamouchi presided
over a flaccid 4-2-3-1 that Stephen Keshi had zero difficulty exploiting in the
quarterfinals.
Who will stand up to boldly pick this team to top the group?
THIS BOOKIE WILL!
Les Elephants feature the hottest commodity in all of world
football right….Yaya Toure. The man is ON FIRE! He can complain all he likes
about the fact that Man City didn’t buy him a birthday cake. He’s too red hot
to blow out the candles anyway.
Okay….that was lame, but this team isn’t. Bookies honor! The
Cassandras come calling with all manner of doom and gloom. Drogba is now
36-years-old. So What? He’s shocked us all with a 14-goal season for
Galatasaray. What about the Eboue injury? No problem. This kid from Toulouse
(Serge Arier) can really tear up the right flank. What about the lack of
presence and possession in deep midfield? Easiest thing in the world. Switch
Chieck Tiote over to the right, ditch Romaric, and give defensive midfielder
Serey Die a shot. He’s even got thunderous long-range prowess.
Lamouchi actually did a fine job selecting a squad, even if
their plan of attack is more obvious than a bearded transvestite. One can see
it coming them coming a mile away, but that doesn’t mean one can stop them. Let
it all hang out….er…just like Conchita Wurst..
Gervinho and Soloman Kalou will be tasked with working the
ball to Drogba laterally. All three of these players are on the upswing. As
noted above, Drogba appears to have gotten his fitness in order and exhibited
sound late-season form. Kalou has evidently adjusted to life in Ligue 1 quite
well. He’s playing far better for Lille than he ever did at the Bridge. After a
sluggish start at AS Roma, former Arsenal man Gervinho has made for lost time
and is in the best form of his career.
Serey Die and Chieck Tiote will prowl the center of the
pitch. Swiss-based international Die replaces the at times too conservative
Romaric. He’ll be encouraged to wander forward a bit, even though the primary
objective of both him and Chieck Tiote will be to get long balls forward to
Yaya Toure. Once again, Toure is (in my humble opinion) the best footballer on
the planet at this particular moment in time. I would have picked him over
Suarez for the Premiership player of the year. He’s on the mother of all hot
streaks, able to score from anywhere on the pitch. Heed my warning. DO NOT BET
AGAINST THIS MAN!
Arier will be invited to advance up the right flank in
support of Gervinho and Toure. The same invitation will be extended to VfB
Stuttgart’s Arthur Boka on the opposite flank. Bamba and Zokora will mostly
hang back in order to keep the heat off sometimes shaky Boubacar Barry. In
terms of “super subs”, Kolo Toure remains available off the bench. He’s yet
another Elephant in the midst of a comeback. After falling out of favor with
Roberto Manchini, the Bouake centerback had an abysmal African Cup of Nations.
He’s revived his career at Merseyside with a significant contribution to
Liverpool’s tournaround.
The plan may be too apparent for some commentator’s tastes.
This bookie nevertheless believes it can be executed. Your long wait is over,
my poor, long-suffering West African Enclave.
Now it’s your turn. Now it’s your time. Don’t fail me.
Projecting
the Ivorian Lineup (4-2-3-1) |
Didier Drogba
|
|
Soloman Kalou
Gervinho
|
|
Yaya Toure
|
|
Sery Die Chieck
Tiote
|
|
Arthur Boka
Sol Bamba Didier Zokora S. Aurier
|
|
Boubacar Barry
|
The
Talisman—Yaya Toure 
Christ, won’t someone get this man the biggest fucking
birthday cake in all the land!! Don’t him go, Man City. He’s entering his
prime. He’s got much more in store for us, but here’s a little aperitif:
…..and just for the sheer unadulterated hell of it:
“A
Syndicate Classic—Cote d’Ivoire”
From CAN 2013—“Semifinals”:
Cote d’Ivoire
HOW THE YAMOUSSOKORING-FUCK DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?
Again? Really? How many times must a platitudinous writer be forced to hack
out, “Once more time runs out for the Golden Generation of the Ivory Coast”?
I’m honestly running out of words to elucidate how, yet again, this
talent-laden squad of top-tier players has somehow fallen short of the prize.
Nuts! Oh well. Might as well get it over with….
It’s hard to fault French head coach Sabri Lamouchi, who
merely placed faith in all of his top talent, including the struggling former
Chelsea striker Solomon Kalou. To show confidence in them may have been a
generous move, but it was by no means an altogether unintelligent one. Neither
was sticking with them through 80 minutes of tense play. Romaric, Drogba, and
Yaya Toure all defied their advancing years, all coming within millimeters of
fine finishes that could have altered the dynamic. Apropos aging titans, Ya
Konan, Eboué, and Siaka Tiene all turned in stellar performances. Tiote’s
well-rounded play proved a real treat to watch. Had Enyeama not acrobatically
pawed away his laser late in the match, we would have most assuredly have seen
extra time. Lamouchi pieced together the right blend of past-their-peak-titans
and upstart youngsters. Sending his well-laid plans straight down the tubes, it
was none other than….the unpredictable and unforeseeable “off-game” of his
keeper.
What a nightmare of a fixture for Boubacar Barry! First
he organized a ridiculous four-man wall for Emmanuel Emenike’s 43rd
minute free kick five yards outside of the area. The veteran keeper surely left
himself partially screened. There remains no other explanation for his delayed
reaction after Emmenike Struck. The bend of the ball might have constituted a
piece of technical mastery, but the effort was certainly medium-paced enough
for Barry to get a better jump. In any event, that half-hearted Spanish
bullfighter “ole, ole” parry was….well…what the hell was that? It may sound
ludicrous to blame him for being unable to react to the wicked deflection off
Bamba that gave the Super Eagles the winning goal in the 78th, but
he was tentatively under committed anyway. It seemed doubtful he would have
been able get his paws on Mba’s effort even without the deflection.
Barry’s poor positioning was the inevitable consequence
of an evening during which he found himself congenitally rattled. Time and
again we saw him scrambling to pick up flurries, oscillating far too long
before committing to a dive, and just generally looking uncomfortable as
Emmenike and Victor Moses regularly kept him guessing with their crosses. So
there you have it. One can build a well-rounded team, concoct the most
innovative of starting elevens, and ride a wave of destiny all one likes….if
the keeper fucks up, forget it.
Now we look ahead to 2014, not having a clue what this
team might look like. Over the course of this competition, Turkish Superclub
Galatasarray saw enough in Drogba to sign him right out of China. Can he be
expected to be part of the Elephants next incarnation at the age of 36?
Anything’s possible. Should he show some sparkle for Faith Terim it’s entirely
possible he’ll be back. Arouna Kone? Again, entirely possible. He’s struck six
times since signing at Wigan this autumn. If can manage to keep Roberto
Martinez’s side afloat through the end of the year, he stands a fighting chance
of keeping himself fit. Kolo Toure? Absolutely. He shows no signs of slowing
down at Man City. He might be anointed the 33-year-old captain next summer.
Zokora? Romaric? Ya Konan? Kalou? Hit or miss really. Zokora is most likely
done, playing at half-speed for Trabzonspor. Romaric needs to secure a transfer
to a better Spanish League Club. Ditto Ya Konan, who desperately needs to be
picked up by Bayern München. Kalou needs to fight his way back to the
Premiership….yesterday.
Press chatter appears to be nothing if not brutally
candid. It may very well b time for these old hares to voluntarily step aside
in order to allow the “Golden Generation 2.0” to flourish. Gervinho, Razak,
Tiote, Wilfried Bony, Lacina Traore, and Max Gradel all had strong tournaments.
The involvement of too many plodding veterans threatens to crowd out this
budding group of superstars, precisely when they need the space to shine. Time
to wipe the slate clean? Christ am I happy to be thousands of miles away from
that decision.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
As of these notes Drogba, Koune, Didier Zokora, and Kolo
Toure all look to make Lamouchi’s final cut. Seeing as how the odds have
finally given in (Les Elephants no longer find themselves situated in the Group
of Death) Lamouchi’s chances of replicating some sort of “French Renaissance”
(the likes of which Domenech accomplished with his dinosaurs saw in 2006)
remains high.
Greece—“To
Piratiko”
Fernando Santos turned out to be every bit the worthy
successor to “Rehakles” that the Hellenes had hoped for. He’s hardly deviated
from the German Master’s predominantly defensive approach that focuses on team
cohesion and reducing mistakes. The Pirates both scored and conceded fewer
goals than any other team in European World Cup Qualifying.
Just as King Otto would have wanted it, the Greeks operate
as a counterattacking team that cherry picks chances. The overall strategy
hasn’t shifted at all. The team has, however, undergone significant personnel
alterations since the last time we got a close look at them back in 2012.
Plenty of changes to update you on.
We begin up front, where Theofanis Gekas has been supplanted
by Konstantin Mitroglou. This, at first, seems to be a curious move. Mitroglou
has been hurt for much of the year, barely playing for his new (now
Championship League Club ; ) ) Fulham. He may not have performed for a club
this year, but he’s supplied almost half of the club’s qualifying goals. He’s a
cool and confident finisher when given a useful ball. Giorgios Samaras and
Dimitris Salpingidis move out wide in support.
Avraam Papadopoulos and Ionnis Maniatis have been pitched
out of a crowded midfield. Elder statesmen Kostas Katsouranis is likely to
spend most of the tournament on the bench. Enter Alexandros Tziolis, a
defensive-midfielder Santos unexpectedly dropped right before Euro 2012. It
stands to reason that Tziolis was by now means Santos’s first choice this time,
but he simply can’t risk trotting out 34-year-old Katsouranis in one of the
tournament’s most offensively dangerous groups. The immortal Giorgios
Karagounis continues to captain the midfield and the team. His age doesn’t
appear to be an issue.
Four big changes at the back. Kyriakos has missed nearly two
years after knee surgery. He may never be the same. Olympiacos centerback
Kostas Manolas thus gets a promotion from the U-21 Team. He’s known to have potential,
but only has six caps to his name. Hence, Sokratis moves to right centerback, a
position he’ll likely stay in for the duration of the group phase. Santos
appears to have settled on Jose Holebas for his starting left back position for
now. This concludes an era of experimentation with Tzavelas, Ninis, and even
Spryopolous. Speaking of bringing an end to position battles, the Pirate Ship
has a new keeper in Orestis Karnezis. Hopefully, they’ll finally have a
long-term solution to their net minding dilemma.
The Greeks have enough talent up front to score goals off of
a minimal amount of chances. This just doesn’t seem to be the right group for
them. Keep an eye on Manolas at left centerback. All three competitors will
look to test his nerves.
Projecting
the Greek Lineup (4-3-3) |
Konstantinous Mitroglou
|
|
Giorgos Samaras
Dimitris Salpigidis
|
|
Alexandros Tziolis
Kostas Katsouranis
|
|
Giorgos Karagounis
|
|
Jose Holebas
K. Manolas Sokratis V. Torosidis
|
|
Orestis Karnezis
|
The
Talisman—Sokratis Papastathoupolus 
Back in 2012, I wrote the following in a minor fit of
frustration:
“There’s
yet another Papadopoulos to tell you about: Olympiakos fullback Avraam Papadopoulos.
For those keeping track, that's two Papadopouloses and one Papastathopoulos.
Then there’s my Greek cousin, whom I haven’t phoned up since the 2004
tournament: Viceis Papapeteros. In order to avert confusion, all four have
indicated that they may be referred to by their first names. Sokratis,
Kyriakos, Avraam, and Viceis respectively.”
Whew. What a relief that Kyiakos and Avraam are gone! I
should consider giving Viceis a ring…..or maybe I’ll treat myself to some
tranquility.
In any event, over the past two years Sokratis Papastatholus
has switched from Werder Bremen to Borussia Dortmund. He just completed a beast
of year in which his status ascended from “solid defender” to “toast of the
Bundesliga”. He’s rapidly becoming on of your friendly bookie’s favorites of
all time!
Er…anyone ready for some defending highlights?
“A
Syndicate Classic—Greece”
From EM 2012---Group A Preview
Greece
Dammit! Who told the Greeks we were getting together?
Fuck. I specifically told you not to invite them! Who hell gave out the
directions to the party? I tell you, whoever fed them the address, THERE WILL BE
BLOOD! Oh well. Having most assuredly earned their qualification spot with an
undefeated run, one cannot even begin to argue that they don’t belong here.
Might as well make the most of it.
….
A Public Service Announcement from your Friendly
Bookie
Greek electoral constellation got you down? You’re by no
means alone. Such high hopes after Papandreou ceded to the technocratic
Papademos. Now the antics of Papariga have us almost missing Papakonstantinou.
The whole subject elicits plenty of profanity-laced tirades in my household,
especially from my aging father (re-christened for the purposes of this riff
“Papalardass”).
Speaking of the riff, let’s get off it and talk more
earnestly for a second. We’re gonna try this again, Hellenes. This time we need
a coalition that will at least in spirit agree to back the agreements signed by
the caretaker unity government. With everyone including Merkel striking a more
Keynesian tone, there’s every reason to believe that some of the harsher
stipulations may be MODESTLY re-negotiated. For instance, Schäuble seems to
think we can loosen the rigidity of the debt-to-GDP ratio temporarily. I fear
most of the rest of the austerity measures must remain. We’ve already
negotiated billions in write-downs and have little room to do anything else.
Yes, it’s a painful recession of epic proportions, but don’t kid yourselves.
Matters could always be worse. Tsipras’s latest brinkmanship only succeeds in
placing the ball back in our court rhetorically. Exit the Eurozone and you will
indeed make life much more troublesome for us. If you think it’s worth
absolutely destroying yourselves to make a point, consider a self-immolation
allegory. Making one’s protest point in such a striking way may garner
attention of the more sought-after variety. Guess what? You’re STILL ON FIRE,
MOTHERFUCKER!
Unless you’ve been printing Drachmas in secret (actually
not a bad idea at all), you’re totally fucked. Think a quarterly GDP drop of
6.8% hurts? Try tripling it. One hundred thousand bankrupt companies? Multiply
it by ten. Reduced social services? How about NO social services; a government
that delivers you money already rendered worthless before you can make it the
market. What remains of your economic infrastructure will be tied up in
litigation hell for decades as MNCs seek to collect in Euros. Even the Drachmas
you furtively printed will be of no help there. Zero Exports or Imports.
Endless lawsuits. Complete economic isolation. A post-apocalyptic landscape
where even nutritional needs are hard to come by. Fuck making yogurt, feta, or
any other delicacy. Better slaughter that goat now before your neighbor gets
his hands on it. DON’T DO THIS TO YOURSELVES.
As bad an idea as the Single Currency might have been, as
much as you feel your corrupt leaders sold you out, as disingenuously preachy
as Germans can be (believe me I know this firsthand) about EVERYTHING that they
don’t even remotely understand, we are were we are and must come to grips with
reality. Please submit a workable constellation. Not so much for the
high-and-mighty jerk-offs who scowl down upon you from their imaginary
pedestals. Do it for yourselves. Send this Tsipras cat, who perpetually keeps
his foot in his mouth and his head up his ass, packing along with your Neo-Nazi
“Golden Dawn” thugs.
According to my, albeit crude, calculations, you came in
only 7.37 percent under a potentially workable coalition. Take this away from
SYRIZA, KKE, and XA. If you feel so rotten about giving it to ND, PASOK, LAOS,
pump it into ANEL, DIMAR, OP, DISY, or EK just to name a few. 7.37 % Say it
with me. 7.37 %! 7.37%!!
Yes we can! 7.37%! Yes we can!
Yes we can! 7.37%! Yes we can!
Yes we can! 7.37%! Yes we can!
WE ARE THE 7.37%!
This is what democracy looks like!
Someone bring me a black armband and a megaphone!
WE ARE THE 7.37%!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
FINAL
GREEK ELECTION RESULTS:
ND—29.66%
(18.85%)
SYRIZA—26.89%
(16.9%)
PASOK—12.28% (13.18%)
ANEL—7.51% (10.62%)
XA—6.92% (6.97%)
DIMAR—6.52% (6.25%)
They
listened. Europe was grateful. Go Greeks ; )
Japan—“The
Blue Samurai” (4-2-3-1)
With every fiber of my being, I must resist the temptation
to overrate my beloved Japs. I still contend that they are decidedly underrated
after their poor Confederations Cup run, but the pendulum might swing too far
in other direction if your friendly bookie isn’t careful.
As I remarked
last summer, the Japanese team features more German league actors than a
low-budget porn flick. After ManU reeled Shinji Kagawa in, the Bundesliga
continues to evolve into an audition platform for numerous talented Japanese
internationals. SEVEN Bundesliga stars made Zaccheroni’s final cut. One
hesitates to be Kraut-centric….but what the hell? It’s my book after all.
Shinji Okazaki recently came into is own this season for FSV
Mainz 05. He kicked the crap out of the competition, kicking in 15 goals while
he was at it. I don’t see him remaining in the Pfalz for long. Someone will
snatch him after this tournament. Zaccheroni has also called up hitherto
unknown forward Yuya Osako. Hitherto unknown to myself, I should emphasize. He
came out of the J-League to play for 1860 München during the January transfer
window. Zaccheroni took him on after the deal was inked. In four short months
he’s scored nine goals, six four 1860 and three for his country. Are we getting
a glimpse at the future?
In terms of the midfield, Zaccherroni surprisingly took
Makoto Hasebe back. Did not see that one coming. Hasebe has struggled with
injury and completely tanked in form after switching from VfL Wolfsburg to
Disaster-club FC Nürnberg. It remains unclear whether or not he’ll get his
captain’s armband back. I, for one, wouldn’t give it to him. Another stunning
move concerns the Hiroshi Kiyotake, also of disaster-club FC Nürnberg. We all
knew that the midfield would need steady leadership after Nakamura retired,
then un-retired, then was forcibly retired, but why not Hosogai or Minamino?
Schalke fullback Atsuto Uchida anchors the defense. Hirokai
Sakai of Hannover 96 and Gotoku Saki of Stuttgart are not projected to start,
but one expects to see such excellent young prospects subbed in late in some of
the matches. Whew. That takes care of the Krauts. We touched them all! I
promise I’ve got all of that out of my system…for today anyway.
A few words on the rest of the team: The Japs certainly have
a lot of ground to make up after the official retirement Nakamura and the
unofficial retirement of Endo. Zaccheroni raised plenty of eyebrows by not
including Hosogai, Maeda, and Yuichi Komano. Dropping three veterans just like
that means he’s interested in building something new. We are too. Even if the
Samurai come in dead last in the group, this Bundesliga enthusiast will be
watching all matches with great interest.
Don’t forget that they’re still dangerous. I don’t give a
rat’s ass if Shinj Kagawa isn’t living up to ManU’s expectations. He’s still a
stud. Beware.
Projecting
the Japanese Lineup (4-2-3-1) |
Shinji Okazaki
|
|
Shinji Kagawa
Yoichiro Katakani
|
|
Keisuke
Honda
|
|
Makoto Hasebe Hiroshi
Kiyotake
|
|
Y. Nagatomo Y. Konno M. Yoshida A. Uchida
|
|
Eiji Kawashima
|
The
Talisman—Shinji Okazaki 
I do believe I’m developing a “man-crush”. Check this cat out: “A
Syndicate Classic—Japan”
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with A Vengeance”
Japan
Too
bad they’re not hosting this year. Hatoyama, Ozawa, and all the poorly
connected DPJ newbies could stand to benefit from a “Merkel Moment”. An
affectionate welcome back for the beloved “Blue Samurai” (THAT is a nickname)
and an admiring salute to the indisputably goofiest people on the planet!
Seriously, I do love these people. Here are
Three
reasons to be categorically ecstatic that Japan is in the WM (and, NO, you
perverted jackasses, none of them have with precocious schoolgirls, WOWOW-TV,
or tentacles!)
1. Japanese announcers—If you thought
the guys who wrote the programming code for “Marvel vs. Capcom 2” were doing
their utmost to induce a seizure with the 5,637,662-hit combo, listen to these
cats:
I
wish, I wish….that I could have found some WM 2006 Japanese announcers! That
Oliver Neuville goal against Poland was priceless. Why can I not receive the
NHK feed on my basic cable package? WHY?!!!?????!?!?!?!?!
Hello
hemorrhaging aneurisms for all!
2.
Empress Michiko in the stands! Naturally, one may assume she’ll call in sick as
usual. Nevertheless, the opportunity to witness the porcelain empress never
fails to stir that deep anticipatory excitement! This may be the year I finally
witness her shift her elbow, budge her arms shift or even blink! (I have a long
running wager with a friend on whether or not she is, in fact, a robot.) I will
recoup that $20!! This brings us to……..
3.
ROBOTS!!!!!! Colbert fans unite; these automatons pose a serious threat to the
beautiful game. As many of you are already aware, the RoboCup Community has
tasked itself with the ambitious goal of pitting a humanoid robot team against
the World Champions in 2050. Keep a Lookout for some steely-eyed Toshiba Goons
in the stands! Be vigilant for they must be stopped! If a technological feat
such as this really is possible, let’s hope the 2050 Champs are the Italians.
“Owa!!
Me-a so-a dramatic!! Mr. Roboto graze-a my shins and now I’m cryin’ like a
bambino! Ahimé! Ahimé! Madonna mia! Pain-a so-a bad-a! Give-a him da Red Card”
Goddamn
floppin wops
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (3 to 1 Odds for bookie)
1) Cote
d’Ivoire
2)
Columbia
3) Japan
4)
Greece
Overall
Championship Odds
Cote
d’Ivoire (4 to 1) Columbia
(5 to 1) Greece
(7 to 1) Japan
(12 to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
Cote
d’Ivoire (NO BETS) Columbia
(Straight up) Japan
(Straight up) Greece
(Straight up)
Quarterfinal
Odds
Cote
d’Ivoire (Straight Up) Columbia
(Straight Up) Greece (2
to 1) Japan (3
to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
Cote
d’Ivoire (2 to 1) Columbia
(2 to 1) Greece
(4 to 1) Japan (8
to 1)
