Walk on Syndicate Members,
Walk on through the wind.
Walk on through the rain.
You’ll never walk alone!!
Your friendly bookie has a bit of explaining to attend to.
The Quarterfinals Sections incorrectly indicated that matches would be played
on Monday and Tuesday. In reality, the Quarterfinal matches kicked off on
SUNDAY and MONDAY. A seemingly minor oversight led many bettors to awake on
Monday morning without a match in which to engross themselves. : ( : (
I apologize.
This amounts to the most egregious error in Syndicate
history. The Syndicate always contains an intermittent spelling or grammatical
error. However, in eleven years, your friendly bookie has never found himself
so exhausted that he misquoted match-days.
Sorry, gentlemen. I remind you that it’s a “One-man Show”.
You’ll always get 800 percent more than you pay for. (No, I don’t care if
that’s mathematically impossible). Mistakes will nevertheless happen. Such a
crucial one won’t happen again. Let it go. At least everyone got their wagers
in on time.
Moving right along, the other common question on the minds
of members concerned the location of the opening eight parts of “Storia della
Bellaza with Umberto Eco Peter Weis.” Answer: They were safely tucked away in
the retroactive notes of “FWM 2011—Round Two”. I unassumingly resumed with
“Part IX” last week, forgetting completely that the only loser with intimate
knowledge of over 2500 pages of the Shadow Scholar Syndicate….is this one ;) ;)
One of you proposed that the whole opus be presented as a
completed work. I personally can’t think of a better “Grand Finale” to 2013’s
final Full Syndicate. I still have a “Goodbyes Section” to write. After that,
we’ll have some barely comprehensible and über-intellectual lines for the final
stages of 2014 World Cup Qualifying. Other than that, this is our last chance
to talk for another year ; ( ; ( Might as well go out with a bang!
The promised “Female Hate Mailbag” never materialized for
the sole reason that all female feedback has been shockingly positive. Thank
you all. I honestly don't know what to do with all of it. Dealing with spiteful
women is easy enough. Supportive women are more challenging. Weird stuff.
All Syndicate Members interested in placing bets (a.k.a
98.9% of you) must SCROLL DOWN HARD. Seriously. You’ve got over forty pages to
scroll down through before you get to The Lines. SCROLL DOWN HARD. What can I
say? Another epic summer deserved a truly epic ending. I had to do it.
Presenting…..all TWENTY parts of “Storia della Bellezza—With
Umberto Eco Vicey”
From FWM 2011—Round Two
“Storia
della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part I)
At
first glance Gaetene Thiney appears relatively plain.
While
her profile remains intriguing, the indiscriminate observer will quickly
dismiss a frontal shot of her face for a whole myriad of reasons. Yes, the
overall width of her face almost belies a subtle symmetry that tends too far
toward the masculine. Her mouth, nose, and forehead exhibit disproportionate
girth and her jaw line is slightly too pronounced. Such imperfections are
rendered completely immaterial by a striking attribute that elevates her to the
realm of the undeniably beautiful. Clearly visible capillaries irrefutably
enhance a woman’s beauty. While skin tone ordinarily counts for little in the
looks department, who can resist the captivating power of the “involuntary
blush”?
Thiney’s
capillaries are perfectly positioned pentagonal patterns that run from the top
of her respective cheekbones to the base of her lips, taking an elegant
35-degree turn from the bubble protrusions of her nose. She may very well be as
tough as nails, but the rosy red cheeks of her “involuntary blush” perpetually
transmit the image of a charming dainty with a shy, innocent allure. We thus commend
Gaetene Thiney and all girls with an “involuntary blush”. You emanate a
resplendent aura with every smile. Keep smiling girls.
“Storia
della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part II)
Simone
Laudehr and Alexandra Popp have bad teeth. Not exactly British bad, but they
still sport a snarl.
Does
this somehow disqualify them from the heights of the Mount Rushmore of Beauty
that I suddenly conceived of without warning? As someone who has always
resented his own Diasthema, I might have once answered in the affirmative. Yet,
these two most certainly qualify as “very pretty”. What makes them so? Blond
hair? Blue eyes? Chiseled faces? No, we’re not going down that road. Neither
one of them meets complete Aryan criteria anyway. Both have an hourglass figure
punctuated by muscular thighs. These facets they’ve worked hard to maintain.
The most prominent property in the image of Simone Laudehr sprinting forth,
fists clenched, shoulders hunched, and mouth agape is her bulging right
ulterior gammon flank; a protruding section of thigh muscle that signals to the
world that she’s a footballer. Popp possesses a similar flawless physique.
For
all those unable to invest the long hours (and I count myself among you when
things get hectic) know that the pair possess eminently pretty faces
irrespective of their teeth. Gaps matter not.
“Storia
della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part III)
Homare
Sawa affords us a wonderful occasion to discuss the controversial issue of
aging women. Some gentle jokes aside, I consider myself in the male minority
when it comes to this delicate subject. It is with great disdain that I note
how many men who would consider themselves deep thinkers behave shallowly when
it comes to casting off their own age cohort, trading them in for a younger
model. Truly a disgrace. Whether you are a zealously devout Christian (think
Mel Gibson), a meditative and reflective Buddhist (think Russell Simmons or
Richard Gere), or an agnostic yet socially aware humanist (think George
Clooney), the one gospel all men seem to agree on is the importance of dating a
girl at least twenty years younger than you. Yes, your philosophy of life
notwithstanding, the philosophy of the dick remains the same.
Wait.
It gets even worse. It’s not even the fresh, unblemished skin, the accelerated
metabolism, or the tighter cunt that men are after. They simply find it easier
to have someone less experienced and considerably dumber than them around. It’s
less taxing on the ego, requires less work, and allows us to remain wrapped up
in ourselves and our own petty meanderings. The younger women who boast that an
older man “selected” them for their “uncommon level of maturity” always
facilitate a good laugh. I’ve gotten to the point that I may sit straight-faced
while you describe how “exceptional” and “unique” you are for dating an older
man. “Yes, you really are something special,” I’ll remark while dutifully
nodding my head. My inner-emotions remain a mixture of pity and Schadenfreude.
You poor little tarts just don’t realize how patently stupid you are. You’re
worse than a trophy. You a pet, owned by man too immature and lazy to maintain
a partnership.
In the
unlikely event that there’s a young woman reading this, she’ll surely conclude
that I speak out of personal bitterness or deep-seated spite. You’re more than
entitled to your opinion, but there exists no buried animosity here. As a man,
my aging process doesn’t perturb. On the contrary, life continues to improve
exponentially as I get older and I relish the prospect of growing more grizzled
still. Give yourself some time, sweetheart. Time, an unrelenting menace not
even close to being on your side, will catch up to you too. When it finally
does, just remember that only a less hollow man will find the extra pounds
you’ve packed on in the mid section, the grey streaks running through your
hair, the crow’s feet nestled underneath your eyes, and the wrinkled crevices
dominating your blotched face still attractive. Then you’ll truly be “something
special”.
This
brings us back to Homare Sawa. Only thirty-two years of age, repeated exposure
to the most physically demanding of athletic endeavors leave her looking as if
she’s in her mid-forties. Her skin appears well worn. The bags under her eyes
exhibit a dark-yellowish hue. Wrinkle-folds invade her neck. A close inspection
reveals her hair begins to gray. Is she still beautiful? I happen to think so.
Nothing wrong with a vehicle with 170,000 miles on the odometer. So long as it
still runs, there’s quite a bit one can do with it. Trust me. Nothing rides
like a classic. Don't bet on me pulling an Ashton Kutcher anytime soon. I still
contend they don’t make em' like they used to. Too many younger women are
appallingly bad in bed anyway.
“Storia
della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part IV)
Okay,
Vicey. What precisely is it that makes Ali Riley so gorgeous?
Insofar
as I can surmise it’s her highly intriguing genetic alchemy. I honestly cannot
even attempt a guess as to her spawning stock. I know she was born in the
states, attended Stanford, and obviously has a parent from New Zealand. Beyond
that, I’ve no clue what she is. She boasts some Asian features that for some
unexpected reason express themselves subtly. Asian genes are normally so
dominant that they overpower any European recessive mutations. Of the top of my
head I can think of at least a dozen Asian-Caucasian couples I know who have
elected to breed. In eleven of those cases the kid comes out looking so
Chinese/Korean/Japanese/Phillipino/Vitenamese/Cambodian that the wife might as
well have been cheating. No one will ever know. Of course, genetics transcends
the simplicity of the Mendel Charts we all studied in grade school. In the one
remaining case, one can barely tell that of friend of mine was born to a
Japanese mother. Only after concentrating intently on the nuances of his mien
can you see the Hibachi behind the Man-grate.
Given
that human beings come in such a wide variety of hues and skeletal structures,
the permutation that you can’t place never fails to fascinate. Ali is such a
specimen. Two very different people opted to mix it up and they ended up
accidentally discovering a valuable new element/inventing the most delicious
cocktail ever/concocting a cure for cancer/stumbling upon the “Powerpuff Girl”
formula. Yes, chemistry is fun. Whenever I’m forced to cook I dump whatever I
can find lying around the house into some diced tomatoes in search of the Holy
Grail of pasta sauces. I mix alcohol with any item in the fridge that hasn’t
begun sprouting hairs. Sometimes I blunder upon a glorious solution in the most
unexpected of areas. Did you know that Mayonnaise, Gin, and Tony Chacheres
seasoning in a blender makes for one heavenly smoothie? How about whisky, V8,
and Tabasco? It’s damn good. Trust me. Spicy seasoning also perks up most any
light beer.
I
stand firm in the belief that we humans almost have an obligation to mix it up
on behalf of the species. Our lives are so insignificant that some evolutionary
experimentation appears a solemn duty. If, by some miracle, I ever made enough
money to start a family, I might very well take a page from Eddie Murphy’s
“Raw” and head down to Namibia to pull the girl with the biggest afro out of
the bush. (with her permission of course). I’d be madly curious to see what we
could make. Never dated a blonde haired, blue-eyed girl. Honestly, what’s the
point? I could just make out with myself in the mirror. Er…not to say that I do
that….regularly…anymore.
“Storia
della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part V)
The
very pretty Lotta Schelin has a very pretty smattering of freckles.
For
the second time in this installment we salute girls with features that
inadvertently make them look sweet, innocent, even somewhat shy. One should not
equate the connotations of these traits with what a guy typically wants in a
woman. There is such a thing as too docile, too domestic, too sad little puppy
dog. Passion, zeal, and a firecracker personality side are important as well. A
few times in my life I’ve crossed women that were sweeter than a milk chocolate
binge. A guy such as myself has no idea how to handle such innocence. I
certainly can't fuck its brains out. If she’s a virgin…well…reminds me too much
of a daughter or little sister. Looks like you’ve acquired a new big brother.
He’ll be nice and kind to you, never even thinking of touching you. Seventy-two
virgins don’t sound like paradise to me. It sounds like my own personal hell. I
can’t help that many girls with their papers!
“Storia
della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part VI)
As I’ve already remarked several hundred
times, there simply wasn’t a fugly face on this [American] team. We surely
won’t get away with covering one single player this time, not with a
predominantly American readership. Not entirely sure I would wish to focus on
one of them anyway. Much like the presenter of the AVN Award for “Best Anal Sex
Scene”, I simply feel too bad that if can’t give all the girls their due
credit. They’ve all worked so hard!
Hence, we shall blitz out a compilation that touches em’ all. Er…that it
to say….well you know what I mean.
Hope
Solo earns her stripes, as I’ve already mentioned, through her attractive
eyebrows.
Heather
Mitts is sexy in the more generic Playboy Playmate way.
Christine
Rampone is perhaps a little too butch in the face, but has nice curves.
Becky
Sauerbrunn earns her cuteness via the nebulous “girl next door” factor.
Tobin
Heath, Alex Morgan, and Rachel Buehler work that angle as well. Morgan in
particular has one of the cutest noses I’ve ever seen.
Amy
LePeilbet has nice eyes.
Shannon
Box has a nice ass. Amy Rodriguez
sports a gorgeous pair of legs, along with the freckle factor. Carli Lloyd has
very nice skin, accentuated by well-placed capillaries.
Stephanie
Cox will be my “a note to follow so” in that she’s beautiful in exactly the
same way.
Ali
Krieger has the same basic features of Danica Patrick, and happens to be ten
times as strikingly beautiful. She should be doing those “Go Daddy”
commercials.
Lauren
Cheney has a darling face to go along with her inviting hips.
Lori
Lindsey emits a nice MILF vibe. Meghan Rapinoe and Abby Wambach blow the
stereotype about women with short hair right out of the water. No, I don’t care
what you think. I find them both attractive. The answer would be yes. All day,
every day, even on sober holidays.
That
about takes care of everyone except the two back up keepers. Have I gotten to
everyone? Not quite. We've still have the Southern Belle who barely edged out
Ali Riley for the dubious honor of “Vicey’s hottest girl in the tournament”. I
speak of none other than Georgia’s own Kelley O’Hara. After spending a drunken
evening ruminating on why I found myself so infatuated with the former Stanford
Cardinal and current Boston Breakers midfielder, it hit me like a ton of
bricks: She looks almost exactly like a girl I had a crush on in Junior High.
Yikes. Did I just write that for anyone and everyone to see? Fraid so. Oh well.
At least no one’s reading this.
Oops.
This just in. Apparently someone from a U.S. Appellate court was reading and
I’ve been ordered to keep a distance of 200 feet from anyone involved in the
U.S. Women’s Soccer team at all times. No problem. The joy of writing this
section was well worth the restraining order. This isn’t the first time I’ve
been ordered to get the hell away from a bunch of female soccer players by a
judge in good standing.
“Storia
della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part VII)
Ask a
dude what precisely it is that merits “girl next door” status and you won’t
receive anything close to a coherent answer. As articulate a man as I consider
myself, I cannot compose something that supercedes American Football Player
Interview Speak:
“Uh….yeah…you
know….uh….the ‘girl next door’…she’s…like….uh….the girl who be….all
bashful….and stuff.”
Yes.
The eloquent writer finds himself reduced to sounding like “Miss Teen South
Carolina”. As one fumble for some sort of useable definition, all that comes to
mind concerns her proclivity towards reticence. But the “girl next door” need
not be quiet and reserved. I’ve lived next some who were wild and crazy freaks
in the sack. Perhaps the essence of the “girl next door” relates to the moment
when you catch that passing glimpse while trying to insert the key into the
lock while juggling your mail.
That brief glance is all you need for a dirty
little fantasy to abruptly flit through your head before just as quickly
disappearing. She’ll never know of this vision, in part because it raced in and
out of your mind too rapidly for your face to react. So there we have it. The
“girl next door” happens to be the one you hope is DECEPTIVELY tame; the one
who uncorks with a screeching, (PLEASE STOP READING NOW IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE ONE
OF MY RELATIVES) “fuck my pussy! fuck it harder!”
Wow.
Please feel free to take a shower as the unfortunate Collette McCallum doesn’t
deserve to be introduced like this. She’s a be-freckled redhead (Nine times out
of ten she’s a redhead. Love me some redheads) with an adorable smile.
She’s
the type of girl you’d be content just to cuddle with, holding her tight all
night long. But…wait a second…she’s not satisfied merely lying in your arms
while you kiss her neck. She’s got a surprise for you….
“Storia
della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part VIII)
What
better way to conclude this misconceived little serial than with a look at
Marta’s [Brazilian forward] vigorous tenacity? She takes every stroke of luck
and stamps it with her own signature. From time to time in my life I’ve found
myself lying spent in the afterglow, passing a bit of pillow talk with some
girl I picked up. Many times they express admiration at your initiative. “I can
tell you’re the type of guy who sees what he wants and takes it,” they say…or at
least something that effect. This happens to be much more than a woman not so
subtly suggesting that she hopes you can one day make enough money to take care
of her. There’s a bit of that in there, but the infinitely more important point
concerns the “seize the day” mentality that can make or break our lives. Man or
woman, you’ve got to let those metaphorical balls drop. If there’s even the
vaguest inkling of a moment lurking somewhere in the recesses of your head,
take your chance.
No, it
won’t always work out. In point of fact, it will work out far fewer times than
you’ll be prepared to commend yourself for your bravery. One mustn’t allow
one’s failures to rule you. Put in a more clichéd way, never allow your past to
determine your future. Most assuredly, there is a time for hanging back to let
things breathe. Make the most of it. Tell your hesitant friend to go for it
when it would be counterproductive for you to do so. In the process of telling
him or her, you might just realize that it’s not so counterproductive after
all…..or not. I’ve had girls give me the “Get away from me now, loser” line
more than a few times. At the end of the day, I still maintain that a bitch
a’int one of my ninety-nine problems. Watch the way Marta moves. Watch how she
grabs every chance by the balls and out-shines the sun and the moment it gave
her. It holds true for both women and men. Seize your moment. You won’t regret
it.
From FEM 2013—Quarterfinals:
“Storia
della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part IX)
Tuija
Hyyryen affords us an opportunity to explore the once again explore the
indefinable concept of the “Perfect Girl Next Door”. (Sometimes referred to as
“The Pristine Farmer’s Daughter” in certain circles.) What do guys mean by
this? I’ve tried to tackle this in
previous installments and honestly haven’t done all that great of a job at all
: (
From Part VII:
“Ask a
dude what precisely it is that merits “girl next door” status and you won’t
receive anything close to a coherent answer. As articulate a man as I consider
myself, I cannot compose something that supercedes American Football Player
Interview Speak:
“Uh….yeah…you
know….uh….the ‘girl next door’…she’s…like….uh….the girl who be….all
bashful….and stuff.”
Yes.
The eloquent writer finds himself reduced to sounding like “Miss Teen South
Carolina”. As one fumble for some sort of useable definition, all that comes to
mind concerns her proclivity towards reticence. But the “girl next door” need
not be quiet and reserved”
I’m
still fumbling for answers. All one can truly say concerns the fact that there
is a certain kind of adorable cuteness that makes even the most foulmouthed of
sinners want to foreswear drinking, cursing, and gambling….forever. One look at
Tuija Hyyryen leaves one feeling as if its time to move to the country, buy a
tractor, and start a small ministry. Don’t take my word for it, now. See for
yourself:
…..
…..
…..
I
need to buy a farm. Doesn’t anyone know where I can find some reasonably priced
sheep? No more gambling columns for your friendly bookie. All I want to do is
scythe grass, breed bunnies, and cultivate alfalfa sprouts. I want to wake up
to this beautiful girl’s incredible smile every morning, and make sweet passionate
love to her every night. Time to settle down and get back to the simple life.
We’ll till the earth until 4 p.m., then play football with the kids in the
field until sunset. Country Roads….take me home…to ze place…….where I BELONG!
Whoa.
What just happened there? SNAP OUT OF IT VICEY! Whew. I don’t know where I just
was, but I’m back. How do these “Girls Next Door/Pristine Famer’s Daughters” do
it? I still can’t tell you exactly. Three factors help.
1)
Height
She
has to be small. No taller than 5’5’’ (164 cms). Taller women engender an
entirely different sort of attraction.
2)
Facial Structure
All
varieties work, but “The Girl Next Door” has to sport a round-ish face.
3)
Smile
That
smile constitutes the “real deal”. She’s not faking or posing! Everything about
it screams, “Don’t you want to get to know a nice girl? I’m not crazy! I’m
sweet and mentally stable! I won’t drive you up the fucking wall with incessant
neediness!”
Beyond
that, most men exhibit two kinds of inherent primal attraction. The first is
pure, unadulterated sexual lust:
EXAMPLE:
“Holy
shit! Did you see the ass on that redhead? What I wouldn’t tear up given a few
minutes alone in the dark with that! Follow the erection!
However,
a man’s softer, more supple paternalistic instincts shouldn’t be discounted
either.
EXAMPLE:
“Awww..Look
at the sweet, innocent little round-faced girl. I’d love to cradle her in my
arms and tenderly love her like a big brother.”
The
former type leads to some fairly rough sexual escapades and over ninety-five
percent of one’s relationships. Very rarely does the latter type lead to
anything other than friendship. It’s not an implicitly sexual attraction, after
all. Once in a very blue moon, a girl can somehow dial up the right combination
of these two instincts and the man swoons in a way even Percy Sledge couldn’t
sing about. He’ll give up EVERYTHING. That’s the magic of “The Girl Next Door”.
“Storia
della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part X)
Why
undertake such a time-consuming and über-thoughtful rethink? Because it remains
all in the eye of the beholder, people. How can an overworked Shadow Scholar
desperately grasping for free time possibly be expected to put together a even
remotely factual segment on female footballers. The answer? He can’t come
anywhere close. I write not such words not to placate a few haughty female
readers who can’t spell, can’t type, and can’t even manage to put a coherent
sentence together. Hell with that.
Nevertheless,
it remains a relevant use of my limited time to remind everyone how
subjectively dynamic the subject of beauty is. Consider our highly regarded
Dutch Dames. Lieke Martens initially earned a 9.4. If you saw this picture of
her, you’d write her off as the chubby chick who sat next to you in your Trig
Class.
Hmmm…who’s
that frumpy little ugly duckling? Surely this can’t be the same girl:
So
she’s done up in one picture you might argue. Don’t jump to conclusions. She
looks good in uniform too.
Perfect
Ten. What about Danielle van de Donk, Vicey. Seems like a pretty average
looking woman to me:
Sorry,
but she earns Perfect Ten Status here:
Why
is Leonne Stentler so high? What’s so special about this?
Well…what
about the regal beauty obvious here:
or
here:
My
point isn’t that people take bad pictures, have bad hair days, occasionally
gain/lose weight, or stumble into the right/wrong lighting….although that does
adequately explain why one can’t take ONE picture with most girls without
having to delete at least 34,213 others. The point isn’t even that one
shouldn’t focus on outward aesthetic beauty. The point, if indeed I still have
one, is that all of our beauty remains ephemeral. An OBJECT of beauty relies
upon the recognition bestowed upon it during one fleeting moment. By contrast
an UNDERSTANDING of beauty cannot be achieved without a requisite investment of
time and thought.
I’ll
explain what I mean. No, I’m not on drugs in case anyone is wondering. No, I
haven’t been drinking the Erich Fromm Kool-Aid either. I can provide arbitrary
numerical designations based on a bit of rudimentary Internet research. I can
discover even more beauty after watching some of the girls in action. Take note
that the better players keep rising. That’s what inflates the rankings (along
with the Big Flats). I still miss A HELLUVA LOT. Just like any other imperfect
human being, I’m liable to automatically edit out all the beauty that sits
directly underneath my nose. That’s all I wanted to say.
Well…that
AND…should you ever consider yourself underappreciated or outright ignored,
know that the eye of some beholder is out there somewhere. Eventually that eye
will find you…maybe even after having ignored you for years ; )
“Storia della Belezza – With
Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XI)
Time
to discuss Eniola Aluko and what precisely makes black so beautiful. To begin
with, I must emphasize that it’s NOT THE HAIR!!
Here’s
Eniola with a sweated conch:
Here
she is with some nappy braids:
Here
she is short and unkempt:
And
you can also check her out long and styled:
I
acknowledge that whatever argument I’m building towards faces the fundamental
flaw that I can’t find her rocking a fro. It’s always been my contention that
black girls should let their hair grow wild and avoid makeup at all costs. I
don’t want anything tarnishing that pure regal beauty. It would appear that
Eniola isn’t quite ready for that yet…and I’ve no choice but to forgive her. ;)
;)
To
broach the topic of skin tone when discussing beauty borders on the sacrilege.
I couldn’t care less if a girl has a few pimples, a touch of eczema, or a
blotch here and there. No need to spend all of your money on foundational
makeup and tanning salons, ladies. That’s not what’s important. I wouldn’t be
honest, however, if I didn’t concede a peculiar fascination with women of the
deeply dark persuasion. Light-skinned blacks can charm and enchant just as
well….but look at this woman!!!
She
looks as if her face was chiseled from a piece of obsidian! It’s almost as if
Michelangelo himself took a rock hammer to a piece of volcanic glass!
Okay,
okay. My strange infatuation with “Midnight Black” mostly has to do with its
exotic horizontal distance from what I see when I look in the mirror. It has a
lot to do with Randy Crawford as well. My all-time favorite soul singer was
also dark as night. That made her gleaming white smile all the more
captivating.
“Storia
della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XII)
Keeper
Elvira Todua possesses a distinctly Russian face:
I
know what you’re thinking. You falsely assume that, when she’s not plotting to
kidnap you, she’s a cold automaton that doesn’t give a shit. This blank stare
is often the default facial expression of Russian/Slavic women. As it so
happens, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t give a shit.
Here
she is NOT looking at you as if the interrogation session is about to begin:
Oops.
Not the best example. Nope! The interrogation session is in full swing there.
Let’s try again:
Hmmm…like
the half smile, but I still have the sense she’s attempting to pry me open by
the neck and suck whatever passes for my soul out with laser beams she emits
from her eyes. C’mon, girl. How about a smile?
I
said SMILE!!!
Awww…there
we are. That dog doesn’t look as if it’s about to become lunch at all! See?
She’s got a softer side to her! Maybe she’s tender after all…or maybe she wants
to tenderize the Pomeranian.
Okay.
Here’s what to take way from all of this guys: Russian Women are nothing to be
afraid of. They’re merely house an unfathomably deep soul. They are the
guardians of a dark subterranean abyss that claws away at their hearts. That’s
enough for them to deal with. Why would they want to eat your soul when they
already possess too much of one to begin with? Everything will be alright. Isn’t that correct, “Elvira
Angel”?
I
rest my case.
AND IT CONTINUES……
Time to part ways with four more countries
Goodbyes Section
Iceland (4 games played, 2 goals, 4 points)
No need to hang your heads, “Ice Dottirs”! You gave us a
fantastic show en route to the best tournament performance by any Icelandic
Team in any football tournament EVER! They didn’t merely surprise us all with
smooth tactical football, we saw magnificent bursts of speed from the likes of
Sara Björk Gunnarsdottir and Rakel Hönnudottir.
We witnessed sparkling
creativity from Jonsdottir and Brynjarsdottir. Sadly, the Shark Islanders
exited via a rather humiliating flop. Don’t let it get you down, ladies. I was
impressed. Looking forward to seeing you….well…I’m never going to see you
again. No sense in pretending. Hence, we might as well make this one count.
From FEM 2013—Syndicate X-2
Well….this
is happening. Speaking of tiny countries, a worthless piece of volcanic rock
that just under 400,000 stubborn inbred individuals call home has somehow
managed to field a woman’s football team. I don’t even have time to opine on
the women here. THAT….is not happening. Everyone give a warm welcome to this
tournament’s doormat. The Confederations Cup had Tahiti. We’ve got Iceland; a
country that sent one soldier to Iraq as part of the “Coalition of the
Willing.”
How could I have brushed aside what may be the best team in
the tournament? Very nearly missed out on the chance to do this.
Iceland –2013 Rankings
Sara Björk Gunnarsdottir
|
10.0
|
Harpa Porteinsdottir
|
10.0
|
Margaret Lara Vioarsdottir
|
9.9
|
Fanndis Frioriksdottir
|
9.7
|
Holmfriour Magnusdottir
|
9.5
|
Sif Altadottir
|
9.3
|
Hallbera Guony Gisladottir
|
9.2
|
Olina Guobjörg Vioarsdottir
|
9.0
|
Dora Maria Laurusdottir
|
8.8
|
Guobjörg Gunnarsdottir
|
8.7
|
Dagny Brynjarsdottir
|
8.5
|
Glotis Perla Viggosdottir
|
8.3
|
Rakel Hönndottir
|
7.5
|
Porunn Helga Jonsdottir
|
7.4
|
Anna Björk Kristjansdottir
|
6.9
|
Kartin Jonsdottir
|
6.5
|
Elisa Viaorsdottir
|
5.5
|
“Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey”
(Part XIII)
Most women will attempt the faux blonde look at some point
in their lives. Some men, including this bookie, will look back upon times they
dyed their hair platinum with profound embarrassment. So goes the “baked into
the cake” conception of beauty. Isn’t blonde hair the preferred genetic
mutation?
Don’t “gentlemen prefer blondes”? Haven’t porn rental statistics born
this out forever? In the modern age, something like 75 percent of Internet
clicks favor the “blonde and busty”. Brunette strippers notoriously get less
stage time. “Blonde and busty”? More like “Blonde or bust”!
Enough questions. I’m not qualified to argue against porn
statistics. All I can aver is that, true, men remain intuitively attracted to
Nordic queens like Harpa Porsteinsdottir:
…but she looks even better without her fake blonde hair ; )
One look at Margaret Lara Vioarsdottir may get a man’s motor
running
However, genuine attraction (a.k.a. NOT visual jerk off
aids) hinges on something more unique and subtle.
Something like the exquisite rosy capillaries of Sara Björk
Gunnarsdottir:
Or maybe the cute cheekbones of Olina Vioarsdottir
Or perhaps even the adorable little “bubble nose” of
Hallberra Gisladottir
Sorry, but the bubble nose wins. I don’t give a good fuck
what color your hair is. Chances are, I won’t even notice. Stop doing this to
yourselves, girls. You’re beautiful!
Italy (4 games played, 3 goals, 3 points)
Looks like the Wopinistas just ran out of steam against the
Krauts, just as they did four years ago. This bookie had long since prepared
this team’s obituary, but I’ll give it a miss out of respect for their hustle. Gabbiadini and Mauro made their own significant contributions to this
tournament. Panico HAS to retire. There’s simply no way she can come back and
compete in Canada 2015 at the age of forty. I’ll miss her. What a shame she
couldn't go out with a bang.
Italy –INITIAL 2013 Rankings
Elisa Bartoli
|
9.9
|
Patrizia Panico
|
9.7
|
Ilaria Mauro
|
9.6
|
Cristiana Girelli
|
9.4
|
Elise Camporese
|
9.2
|
Alice Parisi
|
8.9
|
Martina Rosucci
|
8.8
|
Federica Di Crisico
|
8.2
|
Sandy Iannella
|
7.8
|
Raffella Manieri
|
7.0
|
Laura Neboli
|
6.8
|
Allessia Tuttino
|
5.0
|
Chiara Marchetelli
|
5.0
|
Sara Gama
|
4.9
|
Roberto D’Adda
|
3.7
|
Giulia Domenichetti
|
3.2
|
Italy – 2013 Rankings (Revised Page One Rewrite)
Patrizia Panico
|
9.7
|
Ilaria Mauro
|
9.6
|
Cristiana Girelli
|
9.6
|
Martina Rosucci
|
9.3
|
Federica Di Crisico
|
8.2
|
Rafaella Manieri
|
8.2
|
Sandy Iannella
|
7.8
|
Daniela Stracchi
|
7.5
|
Elisa Camporese
|
7.2
|
Alice Parisi
|
7.0
|
Paola Brumana
|
7.0
|
Sara Gama
|
6.9
|
Elisa Bartoli
|
6.8
|
Laura Neboli
|
6.8
|
Sandy Ianella
|
6.3
|
Roberta D’Adda
|
5.1
|
Allessia Tuttino
|
5.0
|
Chiara Marchetelli
|
5.0
|
Cecilia Salvai
|
5.0
|
Guilia Domenichetti
|
5.0
|
Giorgia Motta
|
5.0
|
Plenty of new names to add after watching four matches.
Rafaella Manieri moves up the ranks. She looks MUCH better in action. Huge
demotion for Elisa Bartoli, who looks nothing like her youth picture. Matrina
Rosucci also receives a notable upgrade
“Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey”
(Part XIV)
U.S. fans taking cheap shots at Megan Rapinoe’s “dykish”
haircut were sternly berated by the Shadow Scholar. As a man who has loved
plenty of women with short hair, I admonished anyone and everyone who dared
suggest that attractive straight women couldn’t sport a “bowl cut”. Of course,
it turned out that Megan Rapinoe IS actually a proud lesbian. Shows you how
much I know ; (
Anyway, I’ve no clue whether or not Alice Parisi, Paola
Brumana, and Christinana Girelli are fans of the snatch or not. I’ll simply
point out that I think they still look good.
Plenty of extra shots of Girelli in there. She’ s downright
hot. The only Italian female footballer I obstinately refuse to forgive is
Cecilia Salvai:
That fucking haircut belongs on our male “All Ugly Team”.
Can’t stand vanity ;(
I’ll spare everyone another “Diatribe from a Cougar Hunter”.
For my full views on younger vs. older women, see “Storia Della Belazza—Part
III”. Suffice to say for now, that I firmly believe most women age beautifully.
Some even look more dignified, as in the case of Patrizia Panico:
Finally, I’ll go on record as saying I’m no Ashley Judd fan,
but her twin sister Ilaria Mauro did a fine job in this tournament.
Spain (4 Games played, 5 Goals, 4 Points)
Congratulations to all those Syndicate Members who got their
wagers in early to take advantage of the Norwegian Line. As it turns out, early
traction wasn’t even remotely necessary. The Line moved all the way to Norway
+2, meaning even the late bettors earned a tie. Kisses to Jenifer Hermoso, who
saved my ass and the wallet tucked therein with a 93rd minute strike
; ) Those are the moments we live for. I liked this team a lot. See you in two
years, Chicas ;)
Spain—INITIAL 2013 Rankings
Alexia Putellas
|
10.0
|
Silvia Meseguer
|
10.0
|
Veronique Boquete
|
10.0
|
Irene Paredes
|
9.6
|
Ruth Garcia
|
9.5
|
Virginia Torrecilla
|
9.1
|
Erika Vasquez
|
8.8
|
Marta Torrejon
|
8.5
|
Priscilla Borja
|
8.0
|
Leire Landa
|
7.9
|
Adriana Martin
|
7.7
|
Sandra Vilanova
|
7.4
|
Jennifer Hermoso
|
7.0
|
Sonia Bermudez
|
6.7
|
Ainhoa Tirapu
|
6.5
|
Amanda Sanpedro
|
6.5
|
Spain—2013 Rankings (Page One Rewrite)
Alexia Putellas
|
10.0
|
Silvia Meseguer
|
10.0
|
Veronique Boquete
|
10.0
|
Irene Paredes
|
9.6
|
Ruth Garcia
|
9.5
|
Virginia Torrecilla
|
9.1
|
Erika Vasquez
|
8.8
|
Adriana Martin
|
8.6
|
Priscilla Borja
|
8.4
|
Leire Landa
|
8.2
|
Sandra Vilanova
|
8.0
|
Jennifer Hermoso
|
7.7
|
Marta Torrejon
|
7.6
|
Vicky Losada
|
7.4
|
Elixabet Ibarra
|
7.4
|
Ainhoa Tirapu
|
6.5
|
Amanda Sanpedro
|
6.5
|
Sonia Bermudez
|
5.3
|
Adriana Martin goes up. Sonia Bermudez goes down. In this
instance, the repositioning was based solely on the elegance of. Promotions all
around for everyone else. Rudimentary Internet research just couldn’t do this
team justice.
“Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey”
(Part XV)
Let’s discuss our “Perfect Tens”. Some are obvious, others
are unconventional.
We’ll begin with Alexia Putellas
Obvious enough, though it may be a push for some hopelessly
pathetic guys with ridiculous standards.
Why Veronica Boquete? I’m a sucker for a prominent nose.
This obscenely talented footballer almost looks like a “Jewess”
And Sylvia Meseguer?
I honestly don’t know. I just like her focus. She’s
professorial. Leave me and my fetishes alone. Leave my chicas alone!!
Had Ana Troyano made this team, we would have had FOUR
perfect tens:
Don’t mess with my Chicas. I’ll charm a Spanish woman Javier
Bardem style one day. You’ll see ;) For now, I’m just going to go watch
“Biutiful” for the 43,651st time.
France (4 games played, 8 goals, 9 points)
Un-fucking-believable. I’m weeping alongside my forlorn
mademoiselles. Awful direction from Soubreyrand. Terrible finishing from
Abiliy, Bussaglia, Bolleau and Renard. Uncharacteristically choppy and dirty
play from Gaëthine Thiney.
If one doesn’t feel for Lousia Necib, one lacks a soul. Our
poor Algerian Angel had numerous opportunities to shepherd the right team into
the Semis. In the end she couldn’t be expected to convert two penalties in one
match. That’s asking too much. Conjure up some empathy for substitute Sabrina
Delannoy as well. The poor little cutie came within a millimeter of rescuing
the Gauloises Gals in that shootout.
It’s a saturnine farewell for the tournament’s most
entertaining team. In truth, it’s a huge blow to women’s football in general.
Us proponents would rather have the best out there. Instead, Denmark punches
through to the Semis without even winning a single match.
Thankfully, the
transitional 12-team tournament only serves as a bridge. From 2017 onwards, 16
teams will compete for the Women’s European Championship. The 2015 FIFA Women’s
World Cup will even feature 24 teams! We’re expanding. Never again will we have
to suffer through a tournament in which 8 of 12 teams make the quarters.
Well…with that off my chest, nothing much more to say
than….(fighting back lachrymose tears)…Adieu. Adieu ma cherie! Vous me Manquez!
France—2011
Rankings
Louisa
Necib
|
10.0
|
Laure
Bolleau
|
9.7
|
Corine
Franco
|
9.2
|
Gaetene
Thiney
|
9.0
|
Marei
Laure-Delie
|
8.6
|
Sonia
Bompastor
|
8.2
|
Ophilie
Meilleroux
|
7.7
|
Wendie
Renard
|
7.5
|
Sandrine
Bretigny
|
6.8
|
Elodie
Thomas
|
6.6
|
Eugenie
Le Sommer
|
5.7
|
Camilie
Abily
|
5.5
|
Laure
Lepailleur
|
5.4
|
Laura
Georges
|
5.1
|
Berangere
Sapowicz
|
4.4
|
Caroline
Pizzala
|
4.2
|
Sabrina
Viguier
|
3.6
|
Sandrine
Soubeyrand
|
3.3
|
Elise
Bussaglia
|
3.0
|
France—INITIAL 2013 Rankings
Louisa
Necib
|
10.0
|
Laure
Bolleau
|
9.9
|
Corine
Franco
|
9.9
|
Gaetene
Thiney
|
9.8
|
Marei
Laure-Delie
|
9.5
|
Viviane Asseyi
|
8.8
|
Ophilie
Meilleroux
|
8.7
|
Wendie
Renard
|
8.3
|
Camile Catala
|
8.0
|
Jessica Hourara
|
7.8
|
Sandrine
Bretigny
|
7.7
|
Elodie
Thomas
|
7.6
|
Eugenie
Le Sommer
|
7.3
|
Camilie
Abily
|
7.0
|
Amandine Henry
|
6.6
|
Julie Soyer
|
6.5
|
Laura
Georges
|
6.3
|
Sandrine
Soubeyrand
|
3.3
|
Elise
Bussaglia
|
3.0
|
France— 2013 Rankings (Page One Rewrite)
Louisa Necib
|
10.0
|
Laure Bolleau
|
10.0
|
Corine Franco
|
10.0
|
Gaetene Thiney
|
10.0
|
Marie Laure-Delie
|
10.0
|
Viviane Asseyi
|
9.5
|
Ophilie Meilleroux
|
8.8
|
Wendie Renard
|
8.6
|
Camile Catala
|
8.6
|
Jessica Hourara
|
8.0
|
Amadine Henry
|
8.0
|
Elodie Thomas
|
7.9
|
Julie Soyer
|
7.8
|
Sabrina Delannoy
|
7.4
|
Camilie Abily
|
7.0
|
Sandrine Breitigny
|
6.8
|
Laura Georges
|
6.3
|
Eugenie Le Sommer
|
6.2
|
Sandrine Soubeyrand
|
5.8
|
Elise Bussaglia
|
5.5
|
Celine Deville
|
5.3
|
We’ve gone from one “Perfect Ten” to five! Laure Bolleau,
Corine Franco, Marie Laure-Delie, and Gaëthine Thiney all deserve it. They’re
gorgeous!
Big promotions for Amandine Henry and Julie Soyer, whom I never even
saw in action. Ditto Viviane Asseyi. Sabrina Delannoy makes her inaugural
appearance. We’ll see more of her in the years to come…and she’ll avenge
today’s heartbreak. No doubt. She’ll get her moment.
“Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey”
(Part XVI)
Flying by the seat of my pants here as I absolutely did not
anticipate having to write this section so early. About all I can do on an
ad-hoc basis is link to our French beauties so as to give you a taste of what
might have been. ;( ;(
1) Lousia Necib.
If you missed her, you’ll have to wait another two years to
see this:
….and she looks OH SO MUCH better live.
2) Laure Bolleau
All gone. Sob.
3) Corine Franco.
Nuff Said.
4) Gaethine Thiney
Nuff Said.
5) Camile Catala.
Er…I thought it might prove classier if I concluded with
shots of a good looking girl who didn’t happen to be naked.
More musings to come. Since, as is our tradition, we wish to
keep the “Goodbyes and Championship Picks” Section as heartfelt as possible, I
humbly propose that we finish “Storia della Bellaza”. Any objections? Duly
noted. Still don’t give a shit.
Sweden (Projected Champions)
Sweden
–2011 Rankings
Lotta
Schelin
|
10.0
|
Jessica
Landström
|
10.0
|
Sarah
Thunebro
|
9.7
|
Linda
Sembrant
|
9.0
|
Linda
Nilsson
|
8.8
|
Lisa
Dahlkvist
|
8.7
|
Josephine
Öqvist
|
8.0
|
Charlotte
Rohlin
|
7.8
|
Madalaine
Edlund
|
6.8
|
Linda
Forsberg
|
6.5
|
Sara
Larsson
|
6.2
|
Annica
Svensson
|
5.3
|
Antonia
Goransson
|
5.1
|
Hedvig
Lindahl
|
5.0
|
Therese
Sjögran
|
4.8
|
Sofia
Jakobsson
|
4.2
|
Sweden –INITIAL 2013 Rankings
Lotta
Schelin
|
10.0
|
Kosovare Asllani
|
9.8
|
Sarah
Thunebro
|
9.7
|
Amanda Illestadt
|
9.2
|
Linda
Nilsson
|
8.8
|
Lisa
Dahlkvist
|
8.7
|
Josephine
Öqvist
|
8.0
|
Charlotte
Rohlin
|
7.8
|
Sina Segerström
|
7.1
|
Emilie Konradsson
|
7.0
|
Jessica Samuelsson
|
7.0
|
Olivia Schough
|
7.0
|
Antonia
Goransson
|
5.1
|
Hedvig
Lindahl
|
5.0
|
Therese
Sjögran
|
4.8
|
Sofia
Jakobsson
|
4.2
|
Sweden – 2013 Rankings (Revised Page One Rewrite)
Lotta Schelin
|
10.0
|
Kosovare Asllani
|
10.0
|
Sarah Thunebro
|
9.7
|
Amanda Illestadt
|
9.6
|
Lisa Dahlkvist
|
9.4
|
Stina Segerström
|
8.6
|
Linda Nillson
|
8.0
|
Josephine Öqvist
|
7.8
|
Charlotte Rohlin
|
7.3
|
Emilie Konradsson
|
7.0
|
Jessica Samuelsson
|
7.0
|
Olivia Schough
|
7.0
|
Caroline Seger
|
6.9
|
Sofia Jakobsson
|
6.7
|
Antonia Goransson
|
5.5
|
Hedvig Lindahl
|
5.3
|
Therese Sjögran
|
5.2
|
Nilla Fischer
|
5.0
|
Marie Hammarström
|
5.0
|
Kristin Hammarström
|
5.0
|
Kosovare Asllanni has booted her way up to a 10.0.
Promotions for Amanda Illestadt, Lisa Dahlquist, and Stina Segerström. Props to
Sofia Jakobsson for no longer dying her hair.
“Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Peter Vicey”
(Part XVII)
Kosovare Asllani initially earned this bookie’s ire after
her uninspiring debut against Iceland.
From FEM 2013—Round Two:
“Sundhage’s
selection of Asllani looks like an ill-advised attempt to spare her the
humiliation she suffered when Dennerby dropped her two summers ago. That’s what
happens when you pick with your heart, Pia. Terrible distribution. No pace on
any of her shots straight at the keeper. No hustle on the 50-50s. Get it
together, girl!”
Since this amateurish castigation, Asllani has busted her
ass to become the undisputed “player of the tournament”. She scored one and set
up two in the Swedish Steamroller’s rout of the Finns. One might even argue
that it was her possession and relentless pursuit of 50-50s that conducted the
whole affair.
She proved instrumental in setting the tone during the first half
of the final group stage match against Italy. She once again produced in the
subsequent Icelandic shellacking. Twice she’s been named “player of the match”.
Way to make me eat turf, girl. I love being proved wrong!
Have I mentioned she’s also unequivocally a sumptuously sexy
beast?
It doesn’t even matter what sort of face she’s making. She
somehow can’t fail to look good. As her first name would intimate, she’s of
Balkan descent. Some call Lotta the “Female Ibrahimovic”, but Kosovare has her
beat at least insofar as heritage is concerned.
What makes these tall and lanky women so drop-dead gorgeous?
The answer almost obliterates the “Girl Next Store” analysis. An imposingly
robust woman can be just as fetching. No, this isn’t a case of masochism.
Rather, the clichéd word I find myself searching for is “statuesque”. While I
may have never heard a satisfyingly coherent definition of that word, Asllani
appears to be obliging me. Christ, she even looks good sulking!
Deutschland (Projected third runners-up)
Deutschland—2011
Rankings
Fatmire
Bajramaj
|
10.0
|
Alexandra
Popp
|
9.7
|
Lena
Gößling
|
9.3
|
Simone
Laudehr
|
8.8
|
Linda
Bresonik
|
8.5
|
Kim
Kulig
|
7.9
|
Ariana
Hingst
|
7.8
|
Bianca
Schmidt
|
6.9
|
Celia
Oko da Mbabi
|
6.7
|
Inka
Grings
|
6.6
|
Babbet
Peter
|
5.8
|
Saskia
Bartusiak
|
5.3
|
Vereina
Faißt
|
5.1
|
Annike
Krahn
|
5.0
|
Martina
Müler
|
4.8
|
Birget
Prinz
|
4.4
|
Kirsten
Garefreckas
|
3.0
|
Melanie
Behringer
|
2.8
|
Nadine
Angerer
|
2.0
|
Deutschland—2013 INITIAL Rankings
Fatmire
Bajramaj
|
10.0
|
Lena Gößling
|
9.5
|
Svenja Huth
|
9.4
|
Melanie Leupholz
|
9.4
|
Simone Laudehr
|
9.2
|
Nadine Keßler
|
9.0
|
Lena Lotzen
|
8.7
|
Isabelle Linden
|
8.5
|
Jenifer Cramer
|
8.3
|
Josephine Henning
|
8.0
|
Bianca
Schmidt
|
7.8
|
Celia
Okoyino da Mbabi
|
7.8
|
Dzenifer Marozsan
|
7.6
|
Leonie Meier
|
6.0
|
Saskia
Bartusiak
|
5.9
|
Annike
Krahn
|
5.8
|
Anja Mittag
|
4.5
|
Melanie
Behringer
|
3.8
|
Nadine
Angerer
|
2.0
|
Deutschland—2013 (Revised Page One Rewrite)
Fatmire Bajramaj
|
10.0
|
Melanie Leupholz
|
9.9
|
Simone Laudehr
|
9.3
|
Nadine Keßler
|
9.3
|
Lena Gößling
|
9.0
|
Lena Lotzen
|
8.9
|
Dzsenifer Marzsan
|
8.8
|
Leonie Maier
|
8.8
|
Isabelle Linden
|
8.7
|
Svenja Huth
|
8.3
|
Josephine Henning
|
8.0
|
Jenifer Cramer
|
8.0
|
Bianca Schmidt
|
7.8
|
Celia Okoyino da Mbabi
|
7.8
|
Saskia Bartusiak
|
6.5
|
Annike Krahn
|
5.9
|
Anja Mittag
|
5.0
|
Melanie Behringer
|
5.0
|
Nadine Angerer
|
5.0
|
Slight demotions for Svenja Huth and Lena Gößling. Perhaps
I’m just tired of blondes. Promotion for Melanie Leupholz, another performer
who made me eat crow.
Upgrades for Dzsenifer Marozsan and the Lahm-like Leonie
Maier, both of whom have done well. In Maier’s case it’s pure Id. Anyone who
excels at the role of a roving fullback attains my attention. I would find myself
captivated by a Llama if it could play like Lahm.
“Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey”
(Part XVIII)
Above you’ll find numerous references to my peculiar
predilection with Women’s noses. Hallbera’s Icelandic “bubble nose” gets me excited
for some reason. Veronica Boquete is said to be nearing “Jewess Status”. What’s
the deal, Vicey? Is this some sort of sick inculcated Aryan fetish? Far from
it, I will now argue. A young German man’s fascination with noses traces back
to Steffi Graf.
Yes indeed. This is what we had to watch and fantasize about
every weekend when our parents mercifully allowed us to watch a little bit of
Eurosport. As counter-intuitive as it may seem, this woman’s huge honking
schnauzer went from being a highly noticeable defect to a gleaming object of
desire.
There wasn’t much else for a lonely, misbegotten, confused boy who
remained unsure of what language he was supposed to be speaking to daydream
about. I wanted that nose. I had to possess that nose. That was my nose. Even
as an adult I can recall wanting to fuck the everlasting hell out of Brooke Shields,
not because I found her attractive in any way, but to exact revenge on Andre
Agassi for stealing my Steffi.
It’s no small wonder then that when I look at Bianca
Schmidt,
That’s MY NOSE GODAMMIT! Whew. Okay. Calm down, Vicey. Let
her go. After all, I’ve still got Melanie Leupholz to venerate.
Awesome nose, baby doll. Sorry I doubted you. You’re a
wonderfully mousey Jewess if I ever saw one ; ) ; )
Norway (Projected Second Runners up)
Norway—2011
Rankings
Cecille
Pederson
|
9.4
|
Marita
Skammelsrud Lund
|
9.1
|
Kristine
Wigdhal Hegland
|
8.9
|
Hedda
Gardsjord
|
8.8
|
Lene
Mykaland
|
8.3
|
Guro
Knutsen Mienna
|
8.2
|
Emile
Haavi
|
7.9
|
Ingrid
Hyland
|
7.8
|
Nora
Holstad Berge
|
7.4
|
Ingrid
Hjelmseth
|
6.8
|
Elise
Thorsnes
|
6.7
|
Maren
Mjelde
|
5.9
|
Madeline
Giske
|
5.5
|
Runa
Vikestad
|
5.4
|
Trinne
Ronning
|
5.2
|
Gry
Tofte Ims
|
5.0
|
Leni
Larsen Kaurin
|
4.9
|
Isabell
Herlovsen
|
4.8
|
Ingvild
Stensland
|
4.7
|
Norway—INITIAL 2013 Rankings
Catherine
Dekkerhus
|
9.6
|
Marita
Skammelsrud Lund
|
9.5
|
Kristine
Wigdhal Hegland
|
9.3
|
Ingrid Ryland
|
9.0
|
Lene
Mykaland
|
9.0
|
Ada
Hegerberg
|
9.0
|
Emile
Haavi
|
8.9
|
Caroline Graham Hansen
|
8.4
|
Marit Fiane Christensen
|
8.2
|
Nora
Holstad Berge
|
7.9
|
Ingrid
Hjelmseth
|
7.6
|
Solveig Gulbrandsen
|
7.5
|
Elise
Thorsnes
|
7.2
|
Toril Ackerhaugen
|
6.9
|
Maren
Mjelde
|
6.2
|
Trinne
Ronning
|
6.0
|
Gry
Tofte Ims
|
5.5
|
Leni
Larsen Kaurin
|
4.9
|
Ingvild
Stensland
|
4.7
|
Norway— 2013 Rankings (Revised Page One Rewrite)
Catherine Dekkerhus
|
10.0
|
Ada Hegerberg
|
9.9
|
Marita Skammelsrud Lund
|
9.8
|
Kristine Wigdhal Hegland
|
9.8
|
Ingrid Ryland
|
9.8
|
Emile Haavi
|
9.7
|
Caroline Graham Hansen
|
9.0
|
Nora Holstad Berge
|
9.0
|
Ingrid Hjelmseth
|
8.7
|
Maren Mjelde
|
7.7
|
Solveig Gulbrandsen
|
7.6
|
Lene Mykjaland
|
7.2
|
Elise Thorsnes
|
7.2
|
Toril Ackerhaugen
|
6.5
|
Marit Fiane Christensen
|
6.3
|
Trinne Ronning
|
6.4
|
Gry Tofte Ims
|
6.0
|
Leni Larsen Kaurin
|
5.0
|
Ingvild Stensland
|
5.0
|
Catherine Dekkerhus gets upgraded to a Perfect Ten. Not sure
what she was doing as a 9.6 in the first place. Promotion for Ada Hegerberg.
How did I miss her? Can’t demote Leni Larsen Kaurin, but I wish I could after
seeing her trashy ink.
Promotion for Maren Mjelde because I like her smile.
Nora Holstad Berg jumps up significantly. Ingvild Isaksen remains conspicuously
absent, as I still can’t make up my mind. Big promotions for Kristine Hegland,
Ingrid Ryland and (of course) “Elf Girl” Emile Haavi.
“Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey”
(Part XIX)
Alright. Let’s get my little petty little crushes out of the
way so I can get to some very serious ruminations on the subject of feminine
tattoos.
1) “Elf Girl” Emile Haavi
…and you thought it was merely jest. This girl was raised in
the trees!
2) Cathrine Dekkerhus
Let’s go dancing sometime. Seriously. Anytime you’d like.
3) Ada Hegerberg
Picturing these girls in the locker room, braiding each
other’s hair….I should stop picturing things now.
4) Marita Skammelsrud Lund
Don’t smile at me like that. Unless……
There are plenty more, but time constraints force me to come
to the topic of Leni Laursen Kaurin and the controversial issue of trashy
female tattoos.
It breaks down like this, ladies: I’m not necessarily
against ink. Art is, after all, a highly subjective matter. I’m personally not
interested in putting garbage bumper stickers on this Porsche, but your body
remains your prerogative. We’ve all seen some cool full and half sleeves in our
day. All of the truly intricate designs have a story behind them….even if I’m
not interested in hearing them and would rather finish my beer, go home, and
fuck like rabbits.
Here’s the thing: You’re NOT unique. That “feminine
awakening” trip you took to the head shop on your eighteenth birthday doesn’t
make you a “firework”. You’re not special. Practically every girl of your
generation did precisely the same thing. They probably even got the same
fucking tattoo. Nearly NINETY PERCENT of female tattoos fall into the following
categories:
1) The “Tramp Stamp”
Might as well get the most obvious one out of the way first.
It’s patently absurd how many girls have a set of Angel Wings on the small of
their back. Presumably, this serves to remind you how seraphic they are whilst
you ravish them from behind. So it’s one of the most sensual parts of the
female body? Fair enough. I can think of an even more sensual place and I’d
very much appreciate being able to enjoy it without having to look down at a
faded butterfly above your ass crack. Thank you.
2) The “Pelvic Rose”
The second most common one. It’s either a rose, a set of
initials, a crucifix, a heart, a Chinese/Japanese character, a set of thorns, a
clover, a bird, a skull, a gun…..oh WHO GIVES A SHIT? Why am I supposed to give
a shit? If you’re in your panties, I a’int looking at your pelvis. I don’t give
two fucks about your pelvis. Your pelvis can go take a running jump. I’ve got
work to do.
3) The “Snake”
The “Snake” is never finished, is it guys? Don’t ask a girl
about her snake. She’s still got some shading to do. She still has to extend it
from her left armpit down to her right calf. Perhaps she’ll have enough money
to get the copperhead on her neck shortly before her 80th birthday.
By the time she’s finished telling you about it, you’ve closed down the bar and
have no more interest in going home with her. You’ve wasted a perfectly good
evening listening to a girl talk about her snake. Another day closer to death
;(;(
4) The “Elbow/Back Star”
When confronted with this one, consider it a public service
to remind the girl that the Russian Mafia would have raped her to death by now.
Just let her know.
5) The “Forearm/Upper Breast Cursive Initials”
Best to let this one go. Even guys can’t resist the
goddamned initials. Nothing lasts forever….but it’s best not to remind people
of that.
6) The “Angelina Jolie Paragraph Tattoo”
This one’s a dealbreaker. NO!! This has to stop, women. STOP
IT! I’m glad you’re reading, but now you’re just DELIBERATELY trying to make
yourselves boring. The odds are stacked against you to begin with. Guys will
tire of you, usually within about 3-6 months. Old and New. So works the
primordial male mind. How dumb can you get, girls?
You’re essentially
sabotaging yourselves by giving the guy THE SAME thing to read every time you
get naked. You’ve turned your body into a Dentist’s Office. How novel and
adventurous can one make one’s sex life when it always involves the same
Corinthians passage?!?!
Okay. To be fair, there are surely enough guys out there who
would be happy to know that every time they undress their loves, they can
reliably expect to be greeted by an incisive quote from Paul’s letters to the
Galatians. I’m not one of those guys. You’re free to consider me a tad
eccentric, but I can’t bear the thought of reading the same….thing….every
night….over…..and over…..and over again until oblivion claims me.
You can’t do
that to me! That’s hell. Making love to the SAME Dickens Excerpt, the SAME
Bartlett’s Platitude, the SAME Aesop Fable, the SAME Maya Angelou Poem Poem,
the SAME FUCKING Grocery list EVERY GODDAMNED NIGHT for FORTY FUCKING YEARS!?!
No fucking way.
I’m certainly not the only voracious reader out there. Many
eyes automatically deviate towards text. Don’t make us read the same thing more
than five times. For that matter, don’t make us DO the same thing more than
five times. It’s torture. There’s absolutely no text that one can tattoo on
one’s body that will end up proving enlightening or useful some day.
Weeellllll. There might be one slight caveat:
Denmark
Denmark – INITIAL 2013 Rankings
Line Røddik Hansen
|
10.0
|
Pernille Harder
|
10.0
|
Katrina Veje
|
9.6
|
Kathrine Pedersen
|
8.9
|
Cecile Sandvej
|
8.7
|
Line Jensen
|
8.3
|
Janni Arnth Jensen
|
7.9
|
Karoline Smidt Nielsen
|
7.8
|
Emma Madsen
|
6.9
|
Sofie Junge Pedersen
|
6.8
|
Nadia Nadim
|
6.7
|
Malene Olsen
|
6.6
|
Mariann Gajhede
|
6.5
|
Nanna Christiansen
|
3.9
|
Theresa Nielson
|
3.1
|
Christina Ørntoft
|
1.9
|
Denmark –2013 Rankings (Revised Page One Rewrite)
Line Røddik Hansen
|
10.0
|
Pernille Harder
|
9.8
|
Kathrine Pedersen
|
9.5
|
Julie Rydahl Bukh
|
9.2
|
Katine Veje
|
8.8
|
Cecile Sandvej
|
8.8
|
Line Jensen
|
8.3
|
Janni Arnth Jensen
|
7.9
|
Karoline Smidt Nielsen
|
7.8
|
Nadia Nadim
|
7.5
|
Sofie Junge Pedersen
|
7.4
|
Emma Madsen
|
7.3
|
Stine Lykke Petersen
|
7.2
|
Johanna Rasmussen
|
7.0
|
Malene Olsen
|
6.9
|
Sine Hoveson
|
6.9
|
Mariann Gajhede Knudsen
|
6.6
|
Theresa Nielsen
|
6.2
|
Christine Ørntoft
|
5.0
|
Mia Brogaard
|
5.0
|
Promotion for Katrine Pedersen. Slight demotion for Pernile
Harder. Up with Sofie Junge Pedersen, in spite of some bad teeth. Make way for
Johanna Rasmussen Julie Rydahl Bukh, Sine Hoveson and Stine Lykke Peterse. They
were carelessly and ruefully neglected during the Introductory Rounds. “Listen
carefully” as “The Wire” reminds us. ; ) ; )
“Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey”
(Part XX)
We come to the conclusion of one of the most sentient works
on women since Bukowski opted to get drunk and wipe his ass with a few handy
sheaves of paper. I can think of no better issue to conclude upon than the one
that remains closest to my heart. Strap in for some parting words from “Vicey—Cougar Hunter”.
Older women are more experienced, less insane, and an
altogether more intellectually stimulating experience. Period. One doesn’t
accrue wealth without simultaneously accumulating a surfeit of undeserved
vanity. Pretentious narcissistic pride dictates that the successful man should
carry a young and unblemished trophy cunt on his arm.....much in the way that
the successful man should possess a well-manicured lawn, a 72-inch flat screen
television, a diamond-encrusted Rolex watch, and both a Mercedes and a Lexus in
the garage.
The superficial amenities of this world yield instances of
endless and boundless stupidity, but nothing is quite as imbecilic as this.
Sure, we’re all turned on by a pretty young thing like Line Røddik Hansen:
Will you still be able of recognizing her beauty when she
grows as old as Arnth Jensen?
…or Katrine Pedersen?
…or Julie Rydahl Bukh?
Let’s hope so. They’re all still eminently lovable.
I wish my Syndicate Members all the success in the world, in
every last fiscal and metaphysical sense. Bear in mind that once you achieve
monetary success, there will be no shortage of opportunistic young sluts
willing to suck your cock for a chance at a regular shopping allowance. Should
you take them up on their offer, you’ll be a sub-human piece of garbage. You’ll
be even worse than that. You’ll be Newt Gingrich. ;)
So endeth the segment. Vicey out.
(microphone drops).
LINES
LINES
LINES
LINES
Let’s rock the Lines
My Updated Stats—
Spread: 6-14
Straight up: 6-8-6
Wednesday
Deutschland vs. Sweden
vs.
One remains hopeful, particularly after yesterday’s
monumental Danish upset. Anything can happen in football, but it’s virtually
impossible to visualize a German victory here. Pia and the girls seem to have
it all figured out. Marie Hammarström is on fire. Sundhage was even prudent
enough to sub her out in the 63
rd. She’ll start fresh and confident.
It appears unlikely that Keßler and Gößling will be able to keep up with her.
Öqvist and Seger are clicking as a metronomic midfield pair. Schelin and
Asllani have solidified their striking partnership. Krahn and Bartusiak can’t
hope to shut them down if Maier and Cramer aren’t back helping. Our two
fullbacks aren’t the type to stay home when it matters. “Doomed” reads the
agenda.
To her credit, Neid’s rather unorthodox front formations are
enough to keep the competition guessing. There’s no telling whether or not
she’ll tap Mittag, Lotzen, Maroszan, or even Däbritz in support of Da Mbabi.
All that we know for certain is Laudehr will start after her enthralling
performance on BOTH flanks in the last match. If Lotzen and Laudehr can keep it
up the Krauts stand a fighting chance. Something tells me that’s not happening.
Alzo. For the first time in the history of The Syndicate,
I’m presenting a line that leaves Germany the underdogs. The “Bookie Honor
Code” precludes me from calling all bets off for this match. My commitment to
fairness precludes me from setting “Sweden +2”. You should be allowed to
exploit my pride, just as I’ve exploited yours over the years. Good luck,
gentlemen.
A Swedish victory will ultimately prove beneficial to this
sport I love to watch. My Frauen have won five consecutive tournaments. Time
for another country to take the crown. That isn’t to say that I’ll cheer
against my Mädels. Not for ONE second.
Projected Lineups:
“The Swedish Steamroller” (4-4-2)
Lotta Schelin
Kosovare Asllani
|
Sofia Jakobsson Josephine
Öqvist
|
Marie Hammarström Caroline Seger
|
S. Thunebro
N. Fischer C. Rohlin J. Samuelsson
|
Kirstin Hammaström
|
“Feuchgebiete” (4-2-3-1)
Celia Okoyino da Mbabi
|
Lena Lotzen
Dzensifer Maroszan Simone Laudehr
|
Lena Gößling Nadine
Keßler
|
Leone Maier
Saskia Bartusiak Annike
Krahn Jennifer Cramer
|
Nadine Angerer
|
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—2 to 1
THE
LINE: Sweden + 1 Goal
Thursday
Denmark vs. Norway
vs.
Nothing will prevent the Grasshoppers from reaching the
Finals. They’re simply too talented. The Danes are only here because of an
awkward transitional tournament structure. Projecting the Norwegian Lineup is
easier than getting laid at the Prom….with rufies. Hegland, Hegerberg, and
Caroline Graham Hansen will all start as forwards. Pellerund’s skillful
deputization of Haavi and Thornses afforded them just enough rest to come back
shot out of a cannon.
As masterful a tactician as Pellerud happens to be, he must
remain wary of Kenneth Heiner-Møller’s revised 4-4-2. Dropping Brogaard and
Veje back produced excellent results. Should the Danes maintain any hope of
winning, they must replicate the strategy that enabled them to shut down Necib,
Elodie Thomas, and Bussaglia in midfield.
In football, the lesser skilled team
always has a chance provided they can execute enough neutral-zone cherry picks
to generate a few counters. Katrine Pedersen provided just such a cut-off, then
supplied a most useful ball to Johanna Rasmussen for the opener that stunned
France in the 28th minute.
Throw a team back on their heels and you’ve destroyed any
hope of finding equilibrium in the equation. It might happen again…..but I’m
not betting on it.
Projected Lineups:
“The Norse Grasshoppers” (4-3-3)
Kristine Wigdahl Hegland Caroline
Graham Hansen
|
Ada Hegerberg
|
Ingvild Stensland Ingvild Isaksen Solveig Gulbrandsen
|
T.H. Akerhaugen T.R. Rønning M.F. Christensen M. Mjelde
|
Ingrid Hjelmseth
|
“Olsen’s Ho’s ” (4-4-2)
Johanna Rasmussen Pernille Harder
|
Mia Brogaard
M. G. Knudsen
|
Katrine Pedersen Katrine Veje
|
L.R. Hansen J.A. Jensen C. Ørntoft T. Nielsen
|
S.L. Pedersen
|
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—2 to 1
THE
LINE: Norway + 2 Goals
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
