Introduction—“Make Love in the Afternoon”
(France, Switzerland, Romania, Albania)
We’ve certainly had more than our fair share of fun with the
Froggies in this Sportsbook. An abundance of clichéd ethnic stereotypes
afforded your friendly bookie more than ample opportunities to sneak in endless
elbow jabs. You’re just too easy, mes Amie! You smoke Gauloises whilst proclaiming
“life es sheet”. You actually legislated a 35-hour-work-week. Approval ratings
of your political figures rise after news of their extramarital affairs comes
to light. At any given moment, between 6 and 8 of your Public Sector Unions are
on strike! I do believe it’s actually illegal to ride a bicycle that doesn’t
contain at least one baguette in the basket. Alright….that’s enough.
Indeed we’ve covered it all in this Sportsbook. Everything
from smoking babies to sunken Greenpeace ships. We worked in the riff about the
smart-targeting bomb that only destroys restaurants under four stars. We
covered Raymond Domenech’s selection of players based on their astrological
signs. Sarko’s Napoleon complex. Hollande’s stutter. Chirac’s hearing aide.
Marie le Pen’s electronic cigarette. Segolene Royal’s irresistible “Milfness”.
The 2002 National Team meltdown. The 2010 National Team Meltdown. Good God,
Frenchies. You really don’t even bother to make it challenging for us, do you?
In what became perhaps the Syndicate’s Most Infamous Line,
your friendly bookie—circa 2010—likened the French to “a hot, chain-smoking,
chronically depressed girlfriend who brings the thunder in the sack, yet never
shuts up and never picks up the check.” Virtually all my French Mates embraced
this line. They absolutely loved it…even if they cleverly used it to weasel me
into pay for hundreds of dollars in mutual bar tabs. ; )
In many respects, this year’s festivities are dedicated to
all of my own mates from the land of “Liberte, Egalite, and Fraternite.”
Fantastic People; always willing to share a drink, a conversation, and even
ceaseless laughs at their own expense. Culturally speaking, they’ve got it
nailed down. Why not dally on your way back from lunch, stop by the café on
your way home, or squeeze in a conjugal visit/cat-nap between shifts?
Vive Le France!
The shameless assault on this culture by those incapable of
laughing at themselves remains too pathetic for me to waste any more of my
sparse free time writing about. Your friendly bookie knows who he is, knows who
his friends are, and knows the full extent of his deeply compassionate heart.
I’ve little to say to those who would try to ruin our precious time together
with their insipid primordial practices. I think I’ll just aver that their
prophet regularly performed fellatio on pigs and be done with it ; )
NOT AFRAID!
France—“Les Bleaus”
Should you find the above comment distastefully racist,
let’s not forget that the French always field a multi-ethnic team and have zero
tolerance for racism in their ranks. Ask Laurent Blanc what a priority
multiculturalism is to French Football fans.
He was thrown out despite doing a fine job rebuilding the squad
completely from scratch. The French take great pride in the diversity of their
National Eleven. Les Bleaus always provide the most multi-variegated assortment
of players in nearly every tournament. Rally around France, Westerners. WE
understand the true meanings of diversity and tolerance.
Didier Deschamps enters his second major tournament poised
to cruise through the Group Stage easily. Don’t let any of talk centering
around their current FIFA Ranking fool you. This team remains quite good, even
if most of the players appear to have taken the year off for their club teams. Likewise, no one should be concerned about
Karim Benzema’s suspension or the injuries to Jeremy Mathieu or Raphael Varane.
The core group of players comprising this squad lost Franck Ribery to injury at
the last moment in the previous tournament, and it made no difference
whatsoever.
Lead-striker Oliver Giroud just completed another decent campaign
over at the Emirates. Though Gunners fans will incessantly gripe that he failed
to score clutch goals when it truly mattered, 24 tallies and two Hat Tricks
aren’t bad numbers at all. Should Giroud falter, Deschamps can always move up
Anton Griezman, Moussa Sissoko, or Dimitri Payet. Young phenom Anthony Martial
constitutes another option. France’s “next big thing” has yet to net a goal for
the National Side, but is off to a cracking start at the “Theater of Dreams”.
Can’t wait to see if he can parlay it into a dream summer campaign.
Tottenham’s Hugo Lloris will keep things secure between the
pipes. Again, Spurs fans will bitch about some of his clutch failures down the
stretch, but one should really trust bitter Premiership fans after this season.
If there is a cause for concern, it’s the four defenders directly in front of
the French netminder. Patrice Evra may have logged significantly fewer minutes
this season, but we’ll just have to see if his 35-year-old knees can take the
pressure of tournament football. Centerback Laurent Koscielny also appears to
have slowed significantly. Bacary Sagna, Christophe Jallet, and Adil Rami are
all past their prime. This leads your friendly bookie to project starts for
youngsters Lucas Digne and Eliaqium Managala. Those two don’t engender a lot of
faith on the right.
While I think the defensive question marks will ultimately
preclude the hosts from capturing their third Euro Star, I will predict that
they’ll steamroll through this group and at least make the Semis. Should I
proven wrong, just as I was back in 1998…..that won’t be a great disappointment
either ; )
Projecting the Froggie Lineup (4-3-3)
Oliver Giroud
|
Anton Griezman Anthony Martial
|
Paul Pogba
|
Blaise Matuidi Yohan Cabaye
|
Patrice Evra L. Koscielny L. Digne E. Mangala
|
Hugo Lloris
|
The Talisman—Paul Pogba “A Syndicate Classic—France”
From WM 2014—Group E Preview:
This bookie likes their chances. Ze
Frogs follow a pattern that, while capricious, is perfectly predictable. It’s
almost as if they’re nothing more than a bunch overly-ruminative bi-polar
rubes! Don’t believe me? Consider the evidence:
1998—World
Champions
2002—Cataclysmic
embarrassment that lost to their former colony, finished dead last in their
group, and failed to score a single goal
2006—World
Runners-up
2010—Absolute
travesty that collapsed amid a internal revolt, finished dead last in the
group, and sent one quarter of the players home before the final match.
2014—Champions?
Runner’s Up? Bronze Medalists?
It’s France, Gentlemen. They’re
essentially your bi-polar girlfriend. Instead of running on an
eight-hour-cycle, they run on an eight-year-cycle. One year they’re making
passionate love to you, astounding you with their overwhelmingly brilliant pontifications,
and making you believe in the universal connectedness of all sentient life.
Four years later they’re screeching incoherent accusations at you, chain
smoking Gauloises, and threatening to jump off the roof. Four years after that
they’re tenderly rekindling your belief in a higher power, going down on you
twice daily, and cooking you sumptuous dishes that release endorphins you never
dreamed existed. Four years down the road, they’re slashing your tires,
threatening castration, and mailing your mother death threats.
You get the idea. It’s France. They
rise high. They burn. They emerge from the ashes. They burn again. It’s the
most bi-polar country in the history of the world. They guillotine a monarchy,
and then reinstate it. They expel a general, then take him back They popularly
elect a leader, then destroy his approval ratings even faster than Americans
do. Expect nothing less from an overly philosophical race that looked to
America for inspiration.
Switzerland—“Die Schweizer Nati”
Since taking the reins from the legendary Ottmar Hitzfeld,
new head coach Vladmir Petkovic has demonstrated that he fears no convention in
scouting new players and reassigning established ones. In moves as audacious as
they were brilliant, he dropped waning stars like Phillipe Senderos, Timm
Klose, Valentin Stocker, and Göhkhan Inler. Additionally, he opted to pitch
young talent like Josip Drmic and Pajtim Kasami because of weak form. He
promoted THREE 19-year-olds from the youth squad and stuck with them through
the final cutdown. One may safely say that the wise old maestro knows precisely
what he’s looking for and isn’t afraid to sculpt a squad that strictly adheres
to his own vision. Hell yes1 Applaud such intrepid selections. That’s one
reason why your friendly bookie loves this time of year.
I’d like to devote some space to the three youngsters as
they may stand on the precipice of a breakthrough. Should we find ourselves
talking about any of these tyros extensively in the years to come, I’ll
thoroughly enjoy combing back through these pages to assess the impressions we
had of them before they debuted.
First up, there’s 19-year-old striker Breel Embolo of FC Basel.
The Cameroonian-born-Stürmer has been thrashing through defenses in the Alpo
Super League for three years know. Numerous top European Clubs are rumored to
be biding for his services and he might land a prime-time contract this very
Summer. Dennis Zakaria is a Swiss midfielder of Congolese-descent who forced
his way into the squad after some truly mesmerizing performances for Bern Young
Boys. He’s another one angling for a top-flight deal. Lastly, there’s Borussia
Mönchengladbach defender Nico Elvedi, an exceptionally mobile centerback with a
Mertesacker-like gangly stature. Premiership sides are rumored to be interested
in him too.
Whether or not we get a chance to scout these kids is
questionable. The Swiss first team remains so strong that their services may
well not be needed. Former Freiburg man Admir Mehmedi appears strong enough to
anchor the attack. Stoke City’s Xherdan Shaqiri scored a “Goal of the Season”
candidate over Christmastide, giving all of us a taste of his incredible
potential. Granit Xhaka is headed to the Emirates. Gelson Fernandez might get scooped
up soon. Stefan Lichtsteiner, Johan Djourou, and Valon Behrami refuse to slow
down. Gentlemen, we have an immensely strong football team here. Your friendly
bookie hesitated for days before eventually picking the French to top the
group.
Alert the Media. Vicey disowns and disavows all of the
puerile crap he wrote about the Swiss over the course of the last fourteen
years…including what stands below. ; ) A
great deal of the shift has to do with what a great story Vladimir Petkovic is.
The man from Yugoslavia settled in Western Europe, learned seven languages, and
put together an amazing football team that will defy one of the most intrinsically
racist nations in Europe.
This is precisely what the Swiss deserve.
Auf geht’s Nati!! Projecting the Swiss Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Admir Mehmedi
|
Xherdan Shaqiri
Granit Xhaka Gelson Fernandez
|
Valon Behrami Fabian Frei
|
Stefan Lichtsteiner Ricardo Rodriguez
|
Fabian Schär Johan Djourou
|
Yann Sommer
|
The Talisman—Xherdan Shaqiri 
The fearless Kosovar. His unforgettable Hat Trick against
Honduras in the 2014 World Cup ensured that even Bayern couldn’t afford to keep
him. Though his spells at Inter Milan and Stoke City have proven somewhat
underwhelming, the 24-year-old has plenty of time left to find his niche. Look
for him to showcase his technical prowess over the course of this tournament.
As that goal against Everton evinced, he’s got the magic touch. “A Syndicate Classic—Switzerland”
From EM 2004: “Revenge of the Syndicate”
Switzerland
Question:
And where are the Irish this go-around?
Answer:
They got shoved down a snow-capped mountain by a bunch of Lederhosen-clad, goat
tending, cheese-fermenting, dirty-money-hoarding goofballs.
We-go-blah.
(Alpenhorn blows) WE-GO-BLAH! Fuck. I hate these alpine assholes, speakers of a
German dialect so diabolically maligned that I wish to reach inside their foul
smelling mouths, grab their imbecilic tongues, and screech lessons in vowel
pronunciation before knocking every last one of their teeth out. The Swiss
arrive for just their second European Championship appearance ever. Insofar as
I’m concerned they can’t depart soon enough. My personal experiences wasting
exorbitant amounts of money traveling in Switzerland certainly play a role in
my intractable hatred of this useless microstate.
More
broadly, who the hell wants to watch a patchwork group of extra-mechanical
Germans, extra-Lazy French, and extra-incompetent-aggravating-dumb-painfully
ugly Italians scamper around the pitch? For Chrissake, how do you take the
rural hillbillies of three separate ethnicities and call it a country? That’s
not fucked up enough for you? How about we throw in some small communities of
inbred ogres who have been speaking Vulgar Latin and fucking their cousins
since the first century BCE? Yes, we’ll call it Switzerland! A nation of
outcasts living on unconquerable terrain where every nation can stash their
bloody spoils of war! Have I mentioned that these trolls purport to claim
racial superiority as well? Piss on these revoltingly arrogant puffs of cow
flatulence!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
And a young writer
finds his voice…through a hate-laced diatribe punctuated by a bovine fart joke.
This will be immortally etched in stone at Oxford someday.
Romania—“Transylvania Tricolorii”
Very few Stateside Bettors will recall the Romanian victory
over the USA at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena during the 1994 World Cup. Your
friendly bookie barely remembers it. As he recalls, most of America was
preoccupied with the O.J. Simpson pre-trial at that point. No one had time to
spend on the planet’s greatest sporting event, taking place on U.S. Soil for
the first time. An American footballer (who happened to be black) was accused
of murdering his ex-wife (who happened to be white). I bring this up because
some of the internet trolls have already accused me of disgracefully distracting
everyone from the weighty problems of the world with football. Er..what about
those who distract themselves with shallow voyeurism of the criminal process?
They’re still at it! Nancy Grace still has a show last time I checked.
Okay…point made. Sorry to digress. It all went downhill for
the Romanians after they topped their group and advanced to the Quarterfinals
in 1994. They did advance beyond the Group in the 1998 World Cup and 2000
European Championship, but they’ve not made their way into the Syndicate other
than the truly embarrassing collapse in Euro 2008. Adrian Mutu dropped the
ball, making a mockery out of that tournament’s “Group of Death” in the
process.
The proud Eastern Europeans return, albeit with a highly
suspect attack unlikely to make too many waves. None of their strikers play in
top-flight leagues. The midfield remains thinner than an un-poached egg yolk.
No one outside Gabriel Torje stands a chance of getting something going. One
hates to off-handedly reject a charming side of Draculites with a captain named
Vlad, but it must be done.
These guys aren’t going anywhere. Razvan Rat happens to be
one of my favorite players ever. He kept Shakhtar Donetsk in the Champions
League for nearly an uninterrupted decade! They’re still not going anywhere.
Sorry.
Projecting the Romanian Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Bogdan Stancu
|
Gabriel Torje C. Keseru A. Chipciu
|
A. Maxim M. Pintilii
|
Razvan Rat Valercia Gaman
|
Vlad
Chiriches Dragos Grigore
|
C. Tatarusanu
|
The Talisman— Vlad Chiriches 
In a last-minute surprise move, trainer Anghel Iordanescu
elected to bestow the captain’s armband on a 26-year-old defender with only 40
caps. Spurs fans, myself included, truly appreciated his unrelenting effort
during the dark days of Tim Sherwood’s reign. He hasn’t played much this year
in the Serie A. That can work to his advantage. Perhaps he’ll burst through
with an unexpected burst of energy, giving us all something to rave about.
Here’s hoping for a story ; ) “A Syndicate Classic—Romania”
From EM 2008—Round Three:
4) Croatia
You sneaky bastards. That’s our top spot! Keep it warm
for us, Slavs. Alright I’m over it. Can’t win em all. One cannot let the loss
of a little money get one down. I’ve found solace in the recent exchange
between me and my 67-year-old black stepfather George. I called to offer my
condolences after he lost a hefty sum on the Belmont Stakes. Always remember,
IT COULD BE WORSE:
Peter: Hey George, sorry to hear about your horse.
George: Well, Peterman. At my age, you just have to
accept that the horse don't stand up no more.
Peter: (!) uh.....George I was talking about "Big
Brown".
George: .....(long sigh) So was I Peterman, so was I.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
“Big Brown” was one of many horses over
the past forty some odd years to win the first two legs of the Triple Crown
Challenge before fading in the third. Man do we ever need a horse that can do
something more than get euthanized on the track. I can’t take any more of these
horse movies clogging up the basic cable circuits. “Secretariat”, “Seabiscuit”,
on and on. Over and over. Where’s the movie about the undefeated greyhound dog?
Hell, I’ll take a cockfighting movie at this point. “Alfonse: Lord Rooster of
French Settlement”. Someone get me Hollywood. No, not Pixar. I want a
live-action drama!
5) Romania
Nicely done, EU Brethren. Looks like you’ll be headed out
of the Group of Death. Forward we march toward a regionally integrated…hold on;
I’m being fed some updated news. The Irish did WHAT now? Fuck me. Looks like I
have another “goodbyes” section to write:
Research Career
Tsk, tsk. Had the Irish qualified, would the Lisbon
Treaty have been rejected? If the nation that has probably benefited the most
from European economic integration is prepared to nix the new Constitution,
there is some SERIOUS doubt whether Europe will ever get on track. Well there
goes my idea for a thesis. Perhaps I’ll buy a farm. Keep some sheep.
Albania—“The Red/Black Eagles”
Welcome Syndicate Debutantes! A Summer Football Tournament
would amount to a whole amount of useless drivel were it not for the stories
that accompany a new country entering the fray for the first time. The
Albanians have never qualified for a major international tournament before. If
you’ve skimmed some of the passages above, you might have gotten the general
gist of why they haven’t: Their players are being stolen and snatched up by
other countries! Such recruitments are a fact of footballing life. The Germans
steal Polish, Turkish, Scandanavian, and African players. The Swiss snatch up
all the available immigrants in their immediate vicinity. Hell, even Jürgen
Klinsmann, Andi Herzog, and Berni Vogts are hard at work getting players with
multi-national citizenship to commit to the USA as we speak! That’s the game.
Chances remain slim for this crew. It’s unlikely that
they’ll attain a single point. We should nevertheless appreciate their
presence, and root for them to do their country proud. Let this photo speak for
itself. Javoll, Albania
Projecting the Albanian Lineup (4-3-2-1)
Armando Sadiku
|
Odise Roshi Shkëlzen Gashi
|
A. Abrashi
E. Lenjani M. Basha
|
Taulant
Xhaka Andi Lila
|
Lorik Cana Ansi Agolli
|
Etrit Berisha
|
The Talisman—Lorik Cana 
He put in his time at Sunderland, Lazio, PSG, and Galatasary. In each of those stints, the determined Kosovar put forth all of the effort that one could reasonably expect. Coaches often request a “110% effort”. It works football-wise, even if it doesn’t work arithmetically. Here’s hoping you give your boys a few marvelous moments to cherish. ; )
“A Syndicate Classic—Albania and
Obscure Europe” 
From WMQ 2013: “Das Fröliche Syndikat” Norway vs. Cyprus
vs. 
Who else is tired of reading about Cyprus? Trick question. This divided microcosm of a country conceals lessons of vital importance for all of us. Ahem. When dealing with the freewheeling arithmetically inclined wizards of international finance, is it really fair to fuck over pensioners in the interest of obverting contagion/preserving the integrity of the globalized fake commodity exchange?
The answer is “hell no”, even if the crucial thrust of
entrepreneurship suggests otherwise. No reason to hate on mathematically sound
economists. They know what they’re doing, even if they happen to be horribly
shitty writers (think Paul Krugman). Capitalism isn’t the enemy. What no one
should abide is the ruthless use of monetary policy. The Cypriot Solution was
to sacrifice the hard-earned living of honest workers in order to catch a few
tax cheats. Noble goal. Still, monetary policy always tends towards the better
off.
Consider our current “QE Situation”. By artificially
suppressing interest rates, we assist those willing to leverage while punishing
those hoping to save. This is theoretically supposed to spur a sustainable
economic recovery. Well…it’s been over five years. Anyone see a sustainable
economic recovery?
I’m still looking. Maybe it’s between the couch
cushions…. ; ( ; (
THE LINE: Norway + 3 Goals
Slovenia vs. Albania
vs. Interesting...two tiny states vying for influence. One is an EU member. The other fights for a seat at OSCE meetings. We’ll stick with Slovenia, even if they remain unkind to their ethnic Albanian minority.
THE LINE: Slovenia +2 Goals
Switzerland vs. Iceland
vs. 
The preceding Summer afforded your friendly bookie a chance to deeply research the “Ice Dottirs”
From FEM 2013—Round Three
10) Iceland (Previously #3)
“Sorry girls. It was pure
laziness that led me to effectively skip over you as if you were some worthless
backwater like Mississippi. I fucked up. You have no much to offer this
tournament. Your striking beauty AND striking prowess shall henceforth not be
overlooked! Trouble is, it will take me time to sort through the tangled,
sordid mess that is your surnames. You’re all named Dóttir! I’m not kidding.
Have I stumbled into some sort of comically devised RPG dwarf village? I can’t
reasonably be expected to differentiate between you right away. Give me time.
I’ll get to you when I can. I do have a job, you know.”
I can’t believe I forgot!
The suffix “dottir” means “daughter”. All Icelandic children are named “sson”
or “dottir”! Think of the great Magnus VerMagnusson! Duh. Anyway, it’s been a
pleasure getting to know this team. Having been busy, I’m still a little slow
on the uptake. No matter. I’ll have more to write about this team….just not
tonight ; )
This isn’t to say that I don’t wish the “ssons” all the
best, especially against the parasitical Swiss. It’s still not going to work.
THE LINE: Switzerland +2 Goals
Russia vs. Luxembourg
vs. 
We’re not having the discussion on Russia’s anti-gay laws. Zero chance. Pour all the Stoli down the drain if it makes you feel better. Talk about boycotting the Sochi Olympics if you must. I personally find it uninteresting, and that has nothing to do with the ever-blunt Dan Savage. Express your identity in whatever way you choose. I’m just not interested.
Enough “Identity Politics” research. I’ve done my time. I put in my years. Leave
me in peace ; )
THE LINE: Russia + 3 Goals
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (Straight Up Odds for bookie)
1)
France
2)
Switzerland
3)
Romania
4)
Albania
Overall
Championship Odds
France
(Straight up) Switzerland
(6 to 1) Romania
(8 to 1) Albania
(12 to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
France
(NO BETS) Switzerland
(NO BETS) Romania
(2 to 1) Albania
(5 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds
France
(NO BETS) Switzerland
(Straight up) Romania
(3 to 1) Albania
(6 to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
France
(NO BETS) Switzerland
(3 to 1) Romania
(5 to 1) Albania
(10 to 1)
