Tuesday, July 23, 2013

FEM 2013--Semi-finals


Walk on Syndicate Members,
FEM 2013

Walk on through the wind.

Walk on through the rain.

You’ll never walk alone!!

Your friendly bookie has a bit of explaining to attend to.

The Quarterfinals Sections incorrectly indicated that matches would be played on Monday and Tuesday. In reality, the Quarterfinal matches kicked off on SUNDAY and MONDAY. A seemingly minor oversight led many bettors to awake on Monday morning without a match in which to engross themselves. : ( : (

I apologize.

This amounts to the most egregious error in Syndicate history. The Syndicate always contains an intermittent spelling or grammatical error. However, in eleven years, your friendly bookie has never found himself so exhausted that he misquoted match-days.

Sorry, gentlemen. I remind you that it’s a “One-man Show”. You’ll always get 800 percent more than you pay for. (No, I don’t care if that’s mathematically impossible). Mistakes will nevertheless happen. Such a crucial one won’t happen again. Let it go. At least everyone got their wagers in on time.

Moving right along, the other common question on the minds of members concerned the location of the opening eight parts of “Storia della Bellaza with Umberto Eco Peter Weis.” Answer: They were safely tucked away in the retroactive notes of “FWM 2011—Round Two”. I unassumingly resumed with “Part IX” last week, forgetting completely that the only loser with intimate knowledge of over 2500 pages of the Shadow Scholar Syndicate….is this one ;) ;)

One of you proposed that the whole opus be presented as a completed work. I personally can’t think of a better “Grand Finale” to 2013’s final Full Syndicate. I still have a “Goodbyes Section” to write. After that, we’ll have some barely comprehensible and über-intellectual lines for the final stages of 2014 World Cup Qualifying. Other than that, this is our last chance to talk for another year ; ( ; ( Might as well go out with a bang!

The promised “Female Hate Mailbag” never materialized for the sole reason that all female feedback has been shockingly positive. Thank you all. I honestly don't know what to do with all of it. Dealing with spiteful women is easy enough. Supportive women are more challenging. Weird stuff.

All Syndicate Members interested in placing bets (a.k.a 98.9% of you) must SCROLL DOWN HARD. Seriously. You’ve got over forty pages to scroll down through before you get to The Lines. SCROLL DOWN HARD. What can I say? Another epic summer deserved a truly epic ending. I had to do it.

Presenting…..all TWENTY parts of “Storia della Bellezza—With Umberto Eco Vicey”       

From FWM 2011—Round Two

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part I) 

At first glance Gaetene Thiney appears relatively plain.


While her profile remains intriguing, the indiscriminate observer will quickly dismiss a frontal shot of her face for a whole myriad of reasons. Yes, the overall width of her face almost belies a subtle symmetry that tends too far toward the masculine. Her mouth, nose, and forehead exhibit disproportionate girth and her jaw line is slightly too pronounced. Such imperfections are rendered completely immaterial by a striking attribute that elevates her to the realm of the undeniably beautiful. Clearly visible capillaries irrefutably enhance a woman’s beauty. While skin tone ordinarily counts for little in the looks department, who can resist the captivating power of the “involuntary blush”?




Thiney’s capillaries are perfectly positioned pentagonal patterns that run from the top of her respective cheekbones to the base of her lips, taking an elegant 35-degree turn from the bubble protrusions of her nose. She may very well be as tough as nails, but the rosy red cheeks of her “involuntary blush” perpetually transmit the image of a charming dainty with a shy, innocent allure. We thus commend Gaetene Thiney and all girls with an “involuntary blush”. You emanate a resplendent aura with every smile. Keep smiling girls.

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part II) 

Simone Laudehr and Alexandra Popp have bad teeth. Not exactly British bad, but they still sport a snarl.



Does this somehow disqualify them from the heights of the Mount Rushmore of Beauty that I suddenly conceived of without warning? As someone who has always resented his own Diasthema, I might have once answered in the affirmative. Yet, these two most certainly qualify as “very pretty”. What makes them so? Blond hair? Blue eyes? Chiseled faces? No, we’re not going down that road. Neither one of them meets complete Aryan criteria anyway. Both have an hourglass figure punctuated by muscular thighs. These facets they’ve worked hard to maintain. The most prominent property in the image of Simone Laudehr sprinting forth, fists clenched, shoulders hunched, and mouth agape is her bulging right ulterior gammon flank; a protruding section of thigh muscle that signals to the world that she’s a footballer. Popp possesses a similar flawless physique.





For all those unable to invest the long hours (and I count myself among you when things get hectic) know that the pair possess eminently pretty faces irrespective of their teeth. Gaps matter not. 

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part III) 

Homare Sawa affords us a wonderful occasion to discuss the controversial issue of aging women. Some gentle jokes aside, I consider myself in the male minority when it comes to this delicate subject. It is with great disdain that I note how many men who would consider themselves deep thinkers behave shallowly when it comes to casting off their own age cohort, trading them in for a younger model. Truly a disgrace. Whether you are a zealously devout Christian (think Mel Gibson), a meditative and reflective Buddhist (think Russell Simmons or Richard Gere), or an agnostic yet socially aware humanist (think George Clooney), the one gospel all men seem to agree on is the importance of dating a girl at least twenty years younger than you. Yes, your philosophy of life notwithstanding, the philosophy of the dick remains the same.

Wait. It gets even worse. It’s not even the fresh, unblemished skin, the accelerated metabolism, or the tighter cunt that men are after. They simply find it easier to have someone less experienced and considerably dumber than them around. It’s less taxing on the ego, requires less work, and allows us to remain wrapped up in ourselves and our own petty meanderings. The younger women who boast that an older man “selected” them for their “uncommon level of maturity” always facilitate a good laugh. I’ve gotten to the point that I may sit straight-faced while you describe how “exceptional” and “unique” you are for dating an older man. “Yes, you really are something special,” I’ll remark while dutifully nodding my head. My inner-emotions remain a mixture of pity and Schadenfreude. You poor little tarts just don’t realize how patently stupid you are. You’re worse than a trophy. You a pet, owned by man too immature and lazy to maintain a partnership.

In the unlikely event that there’s a young woman reading this, she’ll surely conclude that I speak out of personal bitterness or deep-seated spite. You’re more than entitled to your opinion, but there exists no buried animosity here. As a man, my aging process doesn’t perturb. On the contrary, life continues to improve exponentially as I get older and I relish the prospect of growing more grizzled still. Give yourself some time, sweetheart. Time, an unrelenting menace not even close to being on your side, will catch up to you too. When it finally does, just remember that only a less hollow man will find the extra pounds you’ve packed on in the mid section, the grey streaks running through your hair, the crow’s feet nestled underneath your eyes, and the wrinkled crevices dominating your blotched face still attractive. Then you’ll truly be “something special”.

This brings us back to Homare Sawa. Only thirty-two years of age, repeated exposure to the most physically demanding of athletic endeavors leave her looking as if she’s in her mid-forties. Her skin appears well worn. The bags under her eyes exhibit a dark-yellowish hue. Wrinkle-folds invade her neck. A close inspection reveals her hair begins to gray. Is she still beautiful? I happen to think so. Nothing wrong with a vehicle with 170,000 miles on the odometer. So long as it still runs, there’s quite a bit one can do with it. Trust me. Nothing rides like a classic. Don't bet on me pulling an Ashton Kutcher anytime soon. I still contend they don’t make em' like they used to. Too many younger women are appallingly bad in bed anyway.



 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part IV) 

Okay, Vicey. What precisely is it that makes Ali Riley so gorgeous?



           

Insofar as I can surmise it’s her highly intriguing genetic alchemy. I honestly cannot even attempt a guess as to her spawning stock. I know she was born in the states, attended Stanford, and obviously has a parent from New Zealand. Beyond that, I’ve no clue what she is. She boasts some Asian features that for some unexpected reason express themselves subtly. Asian genes are normally so dominant that they overpower any European recessive mutations. Of the top of my head I can think of at least a dozen Asian-Caucasian couples I know who have elected to breed. In eleven of those cases the kid comes out looking so Chinese/Korean/Japanese/Phillipino/Vitenamese/Cambodian that the wife might as well have been cheating. No one will ever know. Of course, genetics transcends the simplicity of the Mendel Charts we all studied in grade school. In the one remaining case, one can barely tell that of friend of mine was born to a Japanese mother. Only after concentrating intently on the nuances of his mien can you see the Hibachi behind the Man-grate.

Given that human beings come in such a wide variety of hues and skeletal structures, the permutation that you can’t place never fails to fascinate. Ali is such a specimen. Two very different people opted to mix it up and they ended up accidentally discovering a valuable new element/inventing the most delicious cocktail ever/concocting a cure for cancer/stumbling upon the “Powerpuff Girl” formula. Yes, chemistry is fun. Whenever I’m forced to cook I dump whatever I can find lying around the house into some diced tomatoes in search of the Holy Grail of pasta sauces. I mix alcohol with any item in the fridge that hasn’t begun sprouting hairs. Sometimes I blunder upon a glorious solution in the most unexpected of areas. Did you know that Mayonnaise, Gin, and Tony Chacheres seasoning in a blender makes for one heavenly smoothie? How about whisky, V8, and Tabasco? It’s damn good. Trust me. Spicy seasoning also perks up most any light beer.

I stand firm in the belief that we humans almost have an obligation to mix it up on behalf of the species. Our lives are so insignificant that some evolutionary experimentation appears a solemn duty. If, by some miracle, I ever made enough money to start a family, I might very well take a page from Eddie Murphy’s “Raw” and head down to Namibia to pull the girl with the biggest afro out of the bush. (with her permission of course). I’d be madly curious to see what we could make. Never dated a blonde haired, blue-eyed girl. Honestly, what’s the point? I could just make out with myself in the mirror. Er…not to say that I do that….regularly…anymore.

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part V) 

The very pretty Lotta Schelin has a very pretty smattering of freckles.




For the second time in this installment we salute girls with features that inadvertently make them look sweet, innocent, even somewhat shy. One should not equate the connotations of these traits with what a guy typically wants in a woman. There is such a thing as too docile, too domestic, too sad little puppy dog. Passion, zeal, and a firecracker personality side are important as well. A few times in my life I’ve crossed women that were sweeter than a milk chocolate binge. A guy such as myself has no idea how to handle such innocence. I certainly can't fuck its brains out. If she’s a virgin…well…reminds me too much of a daughter or little sister. Looks like you’ve acquired a new big brother. He’ll be nice and kind to you, never even thinking of touching you. Seventy-two virgins don’t sound like paradise to me. It sounds like my own personal hell. I can’t help that many girls with their papers! 

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part VI) 

As I’ve already remarked several hundred times, there simply wasn’t a fugly face on this [American] team. We surely won’t get away with covering one single player this time, not with a predominantly American readership. Not entirely sure I would wish to focus on one of them anyway. Much like the presenter of the AVN Award for “Best Anal Sex Scene”, I simply feel too bad that if can’t give all the girls their due credit. They’ve all worked so hard!  Hence, we shall blitz out a compilation that touches em’ all. Er…that it to say….well you know what I mean.

Hope Solo earns her stripes, as I’ve already mentioned, through her attractive eyebrows.


Heather Mitts is sexy in the more generic Playboy Playmate way.


Christine Rampone is perhaps a little too butch in the face, but has nice curves.


Becky Sauerbrunn earns her cuteness via the nebulous “girl next door” factor.


Tobin Heath, Alex Morgan, and Rachel Buehler work that angle as well. Morgan in particular has one of the cutest noses I’ve ever seen.





Amy LePeilbet has nice eyes.


Shannon Box has a nice ass.  Amy Rodriguez sports a gorgeous pair of legs, along with the freckle factor. Carli Lloyd has very nice skin, accentuated by well-placed capillaries.





Stephanie Cox will be my “a note to follow so” in that she’s beautiful in exactly the same way.


Ali Krieger has the same basic features of Danica Patrick, and happens to be ten times as strikingly beautiful. She should be doing those “Go Daddy” commercials.




Lauren Cheney has a darling face to go along with her inviting hips.


Lori Lindsey emits a nice MILF vibe. Meghan Rapinoe and Abby Wambach blow the stereotype about women with short hair right out of the water. No, I don’t care what you think. I find them both attractive. The answer would be yes. All day, every day, even on sober holidays.






That about takes care of everyone except the two back up keepers. Have I gotten to everyone? Not quite. We've still have the Southern Belle who barely edged out Ali Riley for the dubious honor of “Vicey’s hottest girl in the tournament”. I speak of none other than Georgia’s own Kelley O’Hara. After spending a drunken evening ruminating on why I found myself so infatuated with the former Stanford Cardinal and current Boston Breakers midfielder, it hit me like a ton of bricks: She looks almost exactly like a girl I had a crush on in Junior High. Yikes. Did I just write that for anyone and everyone to see? Fraid so. Oh well. At least no one’s reading this.







Oops. This just in. Apparently someone from a U.S. Appellate court was reading and I’ve been ordered to keep a distance of 200 feet from anyone involved in the U.S. Women’s Soccer team at all times. No problem. The joy of writing this section was well worth the restraining order. This isn’t the first time I’ve been ordered to get the hell away from a bunch of female soccer players by a judge in good standing.

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part VII) 

Ask a dude what precisely it is that merits “girl next door” status and you won’t receive anything close to a coherent answer. As articulate a man as I consider myself, I cannot compose something that supercedes American Football Player Interview Speak:

“Uh….yeah…you know….uh….the ‘girl next door’…she’s…like….uh….the girl who be….all bashful….and stuff.”

Yes. The eloquent writer finds himself reduced to sounding like “Miss Teen South Carolina”. As one fumble for some sort of useable definition, all that comes to mind concerns her proclivity towards reticence. But the “girl next door” need not be quiet and reserved. I’ve lived next some who were wild and crazy freaks in the sack. Perhaps the essence of the “girl next door” relates to the moment when you catch that passing glimpse while trying to insert the key into the lock while juggling your mail. 

That brief glance is all you need for a dirty little fantasy to abruptly flit through your head before just as quickly disappearing. She’ll never know of this vision, in part because it raced in and out of your mind too rapidly for your face to react. So there we have it. The “girl next door” happens to be the one you hope is DECEPTIVELY tame; the one who uncorks with a screeching, (PLEASE STOP READING NOW IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE ONE OF MY RELATIVES) “fuck my pussy! fuck it harder!”

Wow. Please feel free to take a shower as the unfortunate Collette McCallum doesn’t deserve to be introduced like this. She’s a be-freckled redhead (Nine times out of ten she’s a redhead. Love me some redheads) with an adorable smile.






She’s the type of girl you’d be content just to cuddle with, holding her tight all night long. But…wait a second…she’s not satisfied merely lying in your arms while you kiss her neck. She’s got a surprise for you….

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part VIII) 

What better way to conclude this misconceived little serial than with a look at Marta’s [Brazilian forward] vigorous tenacity? She takes every stroke of luck and stamps it with her own signature. From time to time in my life I’ve found myself lying spent in the afterglow, passing a bit of pillow talk with some girl I picked up. Many times they express admiration at your initiative. “I can tell you’re the type of guy who sees what he wants and takes it,” they say…or at least something that effect. This happens to be much more than a woman not so subtly suggesting that she hopes you can one day make enough money to take care of her. There’s a bit of that in there, but the infinitely more important point concerns the “seize the day” mentality that can make or break our lives. Man or woman, you’ve got to let those metaphorical balls drop. If there’s even the vaguest inkling of a moment lurking somewhere in the recesses of your head, take your chance.

No, it won’t always work out. In point of fact, it will work out far fewer times than you’ll be prepared to commend yourself for your bravery. One mustn’t allow one’s failures to rule you. Put in a more clichéd way, never allow your past to determine your future. Most assuredly, there is a time for hanging back to let things breathe. Make the most of it. Tell your hesitant friend to go for it when it would be counterproductive for you to do so. In the process of telling him or her, you might just realize that it’s not so counterproductive after all…..or not. I’ve had girls give me the “Get away from me now, loser” line more than a few times. At the end of the day, I still maintain that a bitch a’int one of my ninety-nine problems. Watch the way Marta moves. Watch how she grabs every chance by the balls and out-shines the sun and the moment it gave her. It holds true for both women and men. Seize your moment. You won’t regret it.

From FEM 2013—Quarterfinals:

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part IX) 

Tuija Hyyryen affords us an opportunity to explore the once again explore the indefinable concept of the “Perfect Girl Next Door”. (Sometimes referred to as “The Pristine Farmer’s Daughter” in certain circles.) What do guys mean by this?  I’ve tried to tackle this in previous installments and honestly haven’t done all that great of a job at all : (

From Part VII:

“Ask a dude what precisely it is that merits “girl next door” status and you won’t receive anything close to a coherent answer. As articulate a man as I consider myself, I cannot compose something that supercedes American Football Player Interview Speak:

“Uh….yeah…you know….uh….the ‘girl next door’…she’s…like….uh….the girl who be….all bashful….and stuff.”

Yes. The eloquent writer finds himself reduced to sounding like “Miss Teen South Carolina”. As one fumble for some sort of useable definition, all that comes to mind concerns her proclivity towards reticence. But the “girl next door” need not be quiet and reserved”

I’m still fumbling for answers. All one can truly say concerns the fact that there is a certain kind of adorable cuteness that makes even the most foulmouthed of sinners want to foreswear drinking, cursing, and gambling….forever. One look at Tuija Hyyryen leaves one feeling as if its time to move to the country, buy a tractor, and start a small ministry. Don’t take my word for it, now. See for yourself:





…..
…..
…..

I need to buy a farm. Doesn’t anyone know where I can find some reasonably priced sheep? No more gambling columns for your friendly bookie. All I want to do is scythe grass, breed bunnies, and cultivate alfalfa sprouts. I want to wake up to this beautiful girl’s incredible smile every morning, and make sweet passionate love to her every night. Time to settle down and get back to the simple life. We’ll till the earth until 4 p.m., then play football with the kids in the field until sunset. Country Roads….take me home…to ze place…….where I BELONG!

Whoa. What just happened there? SNAP OUT OF IT VICEY! Whew. I don’t know where I just was, but I’m back. How do these “Girls Next Door/Pristine Famer’s Daughters” do it? I still can’t tell you exactly. Three factors help.

1) Height

She has to be small. No taller than 5’5’’ (164 cms). Taller women engender an entirely different sort of attraction.

2) Facial Structure

All varieties work, but “The Girl Next Door” has to sport a round-ish face. 

3) Smile

That smile constitutes the “real deal”. She’s not faking or posing! Everything about it screams, “Don’t you want to get to know a nice girl? I’m not crazy! I’m sweet and mentally stable! I won’t drive you up the fucking wall with incessant neediness!”

Beyond that, most men exhibit two kinds of inherent primal attraction. The first is pure, unadulterated sexual lust:

EXAMPLE:

“Holy shit! Did you see the ass on that redhead? What I wouldn’t tear up given a few minutes alone in the dark with that! Follow the erection!

However, a man’s softer, more supple paternalistic instincts shouldn’t be discounted either.

EXAMPLE:

“Awww..Look at the sweet, innocent little round-faced girl. I’d love to cradle her in my arms and tenderly love her like a big brother.”

The former type leads to some fairly rough sexual escapades and over ninety-five percent of one’s relationships. Very rarely does the latter type lead to anything other than friendship. It’s not an implicitly sexual attraction, after all. Once in a very blue moon, a girl can somehow dial up the right combination of these two instincts and the man swoons in a way even Percy Sledge couldn’t sing about. He’ll give up EVERYTHING. That’s the magic of “The Girl Next Door”.

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part X) 

Why undertake such a time-consuming and über-thoughtful rethink? Because it remains all in the eye of the beholder, people. How can an overworked Shadow Scholar desperately grasping for free time possibly be expected to put together a even remotely factual segment on female footballers. The answer? He can’t come anywhere close. I write not such words not to placate a few haughty female readers who can’t spell, can’t type, and can’t even manage to put a coherent sentence together. Hell with that.

Nevertheless, it remains a relevant use of my limited time to remind everyone how subjectively dynamic the subject of beauty is. Consider our highly regarded Dutch Dames. Lieke Martens initially earned a 9.4. If you saw this picture of her, you’d write her off as the chubby chick who sat next to you in your Trig Class.


Hmmm…who’s that frumpy little ugly duckling? Surely this can’t be the same girl:

  
So she’s done up in one picture you might argue. Don’t jump to conclusions. She looks good in uniform too.




Perfect Ten. What about Danielle van de Donk, Vicey. Seems like a pretty average looking woman to me:


Sorry, but she earns Perfect Ten Status here:


Why is Leonne Stentler so high? What’s so special about this?


Well…what about the regal beauty obvious here:


or here:


My point isn’t that people take bad pictures, have bad hair days, occasionally gain/lose weight, or stumble into the right/wrong lighting….although that does adequately explain why one can’t take ONE picture with most girls without having to delete at least 34,213 others. The point isn’t even that one shouldn’t focus on outward aesthetic beauty. The point, if indeed I still have one, is that all of our beauty remains ephemeral. An OBJECT of beauty relies upon the recognition bestowed upon it during one fleeting moment. By contrast an UNDERSTANDING of beauty cannot be achieved without a requisite investment of time and thought.

I’ll explain what I mean. No, I’m not on drugs in case anyone is wondering. No, I haven’t been drinking the Erich Fromm Kool-Aid either. I can provide arbitrary numerical designations based on a bit of rudimentary Internet research. I can discover even more beauty after watching some of the girls in action. Take note that the better players keep rising. That’s what inflates the rankings (along with the Big Flats). I still miss A HELLUVA LOT. Just like any other imperfect human being, I’m liable to automatically edit out all the beauty that sits directly underneath my nose. That’s all I wanted to say.

Well…that AND…should you ever consider yourself underappreciated or outright ignored, know that the eye of some beholder is out there somewhere. Eventually that eye will find you…maybe even after having ignored you for years ; )

 “Storia della Belezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XI) 

Time to discuss Eniola Aluko and what precisely makes black so beautiful. To begin with, I must emphasize that it’s NOT THE HAIR!!

Here’s Eniola with a sweated conch:


Here she is with some nappy braids:


Here she is short and unkempt:



And you can also check her out long and styled:


I acknowledge that whatever argument I’m building towards faces the fundamental flaw that I can’t find her rocking a fro. It’s always been my contention that black girls should let their hair grow wild and avoid makeup at all costs. I don’t want anything tarnishing that pure regal beauty. It would appear that Eniola isn’t quite ready for that yet…and I’ve no choice but to forgive her. ;) ;)

To broach the topic of skin tone when discussing beauty borders on the sacrilege. I couldn’t care less if a girl has a few pimples, a touch of eczema, or a blotch here and there. No need to spend all of your money on foundational makeup and tanning salons, ladies. That’s not what’s important. I wouldn’t be honest, however, if I didn’t concede a peculiar fascination with women of the deeply dark persuasion. Light-skinned blacks can charm and enchant just as well….but look at this woman!!!


She looks as if her face was chiseled from a piece of obsidian! It’s almost as if Michelangelo himself took a rock hammer to a piece of volcanic glass!

Okay, okay. My strange infatuation with “Midnight Black” mostly has to do with its exotic horizontal distance from what I see when I look in the mirror. It has a lot to do with Randy Crawford as well. My all-time favorite soul singer was also dark as night. That made her gleaming white smile all the more captivating.


 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XII) 

Keeper Elvira Todua possesses a distinctly Russian face:


I know what you’re thinking. You falsely assume that, when she’s not plotting to kidnap you, she’s a cold automaton that doesn’t give a shit. This blank stare is often the default facial expression of Russian/Slavic women. As it so happens, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t give a shit. 

Here she is NOT looking at you as if the interrogation session is about to begin:


Oops. Not the best example. Nope! The interrogation session is in full swing there. Let’s try again:


Hmmm…like the half smile, but I still have the sense she’s attempting to pry me open by the neck and suck whatever passes for my soul out with laser beams she emits from her eyes. C’mon, girl. How about a smile?


I said SMILE!!!


Awww…there we are. That dog doesn’t look as if it’s about to become lunch at all! See? She’s got a softer side to her! Maybe she’s tender after all…or maybe she wants to tenderize the Pomeranian.

Okay. Here’s what to take way from all of this guys: Russian Women are nothing to be afraid of. They’re merely house an unfathomably deep soul. They are the guardians of a dark subterranean abyss that claws away at their hearts. That’s enough for them to deal with. Why would they want to eat your soul when they already possess too much of one to begin with?  Everything will be alright. Isn’t that correct, “Elvira Angel”?


I rest my case.

AND IT CONTINUES……

Time to part ways with four more countries

Goodbyes Section

 Iceland (4 games played, 2 goals, 4 points) 

No need to hang your heads, “Ice Dottirs”! You gave us a fantastic show en route to the best tournament performance by any Icelandic Team in any football tournament EVER! They didn’t merely surprise us all with smooth tactical football, we saw magnificent bursts of speed from the likes of Sara Björk Gunnarsdottir and Rakel Hönnudottir.

We witnessed sparkling creativity from Jonsdottir and Brynjarsdottir. Sadly, the Shark Islanders exited via a rather humiliating flop. Don’t let it get you down, ladies. I was impressed. Looking forward to seeing you….well…I’m never going to see you again. No sense in pretending. Hence, we might as well make this one count.

From FEM 2013—Syndicate X-2

Well….this is happening. Speaking of tiny countries, a worthless piece of volcanic rock that just under 400,000 stubborn inbred individuals call home has somehow managed to field a woman’s football team. I don’t even have time to opine on the women here. THAT….is not happening. Everyone give a warm welcome to this tournament’s doormat. The Confederations Cup had Tahiti. We’ve got Iceland; a country that sent one soldier to Iraq as part of the “Coalition of the Willing.”

How could I have brushed aside what may be the best team in the tournament? Very nearly missed out on the chance to do this.

 Iceland –2013 Rankings 

Sara Björk Gunnarsdottir
10.0
Harpa Porteinsdottir
10.0
Margaret Lara Vioarsdottir
9.9
Fanndis Frioriksdottir
9.7
Holmfriour Magnusdottir
9.5
Sif Altadottir
9.3
Hallbera Guony Gisladottir
9.2
Olina Guobjörg Vioarsdottir
9.0
Dora Maria Laurusdottir
8.8
Guobjörg Gunnarsdottir
8.7
Dagny Brynjarsdottir
8.5
Glotis Perla Viggosdottir
8.3
Rakel Hönndottir
7.5
Porunn Helga Jonsdottir
7.4
Anna Björk Kristjansdottir
6.9
Kartin Jonsdottir
6.5
Elisa Viaorsdottir
5.5

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XIII) 

Most women will attempt the faux blonde look at some point in their lives. Some men, including this bookie, will look back upon times they dyed their hair platinum with profound embarrassment. So goes the “baked into the cake” conception of beauty. Isn’t blonde hair the preferred genetic mutation?

Don’t “gentlemen prefer blondes”? Haven’t porn rental statistics born this out forever? In the modern age, something like 75 percent of Internet clicks favor the “blonde and busty”. Brunette strippers notoriously get less stage time. “Blonde and busty”? More like “Blonde or bust”!

Enough questions. I’m not qualified to argue against porn statistics. All I can aver is that, true, men remain intuitively attracted to Nordic queens like Harpa Porsteinsdottir:


…but she looks even better without her fake blonde hair ; )

   
One look at Margaret Lara Vioarsdottir may get a man’s motor running


However, genuine attraction (a.k.a. NOT visual jerk off aids) hinges on something more unique and subtle.

Something like the exquisite rosy capillaries of Sara Björk Gunnarsdottir:





Or maybe the cute cheekbones of Olina Vioarsdottir


Or perhaps even the adorable little “bubble nose” of Hallberra Gisladottir





Sorry, but the bubble nose wins. I don’t give a good fuck what color your hair is. Chances are, I won’t even notice. Stop doing this to yourselves, girls. You’re beautiful!

 Italy (4 games played, 3 goals, 3 points) 

Looks like the Wopinistas just ran out of steam against the Krauts, just as they did four years ago. This bookie had long since prepared this team’s obituary, but I’ll give it a miss out of respect for their hustle. Gabbiadini and Mauro made their own significant contributions to this tournament. Panico HAS to retire. There’s simply no way she can come back and compete in Canada 2015 at the age of forty. I’ll miss her. What a shame she couldn't go out with a bang.

 Italy –INITIAL 2013 Rankings 

Elisa Bartoli
9.9
Patrizia Panico
9.7
Ilaria Mauro
9.6
Cristiana Girelli
9.4
Elise Camporese
9.2
Alice Parisi
8.9
Martina Rosucci
8.8
Federica Di Crisico
8.2
Sandy Iannella
7.8
Raffella Manieri
7.0
Laura Neboli
6.8
Allessia Tuttino
5.0
Chiara Marchetelli
5.0
Sara Gama
4.9
Roberto D’Adda
3.7
Giulia Domenichetti
3.2

 Italy – 2013 Rankings (Revised Page One Rewrite) 

Patrizia Panico
9.7
Ilaria Mauro
9.6
Cristiana Girelli
9.6
Martina Rosucci
9.3
Federica Di Crisico
8.2
Rafaella Manieri
8.2
Sandy Iannella
7.8
Daniela Stracchi
7.5
Elisa Camporese
7.2
Alice Parisi
7.0
Paola Brumana
7.0
Sara Gama
6.9
Elisa Bartoli
6.8
Laura Neboli
6.8
Sandy Ianella
6.3
Roberta D’Adda
5.1
Allessia Tuttino
5.0
Chiara Marchetelli
5.0
Cecilia Salvai
5.0
Guilia Domenichetti
5.0
Giorgia Motta
5.0

Plenty of new names to add after watching four matches. Rafaella Manieri moves up the ranks. She looks MUCH better in action. Huge demotion for Elisa Bartoli, who looks nothing like her youth picture. Matrina Rosucci also receives a notable upgrade

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XIV) 

U.S. fans taking cheap shots at Megan Rapinoe’s “dykish” haircut were sternly berated by the Shadow Scholar. As a man who has loved plenty of women with short hair, I admonished anyone and everyone who dared suggest that attractive straight women couldn’t sport a “bowl cut”. Of course, it turned out that Megan Rapinoe IS actually a proud lesbian. Shows you how much I know ; (

Anyway, I’ve no clue whether or not Alice Parisi, Paola Brumana, and Christinana Girelli are fans of the snatch or not. I’ll simply point out that I think they still look good.







Plenty of extra shots of Girelli in there. She’ s downright hot. The only Italian female footballer I obstinately refuse to forgive is Cecilia Salvai:


That fucking haircut belongs on our male “All Ugly Team”. Can’t stand vanity ;(

I’ll spare everyone another “Diatribe from a Cougar Hunter”. For my full views on younger vs. older women, see “Storia Della Belazza—Part III”. Suffice to say for now, that I firmly believe most women age beautifully. Some even look more dignified, as in the case of Patrizia Panico:




Finally, I’ll go on record as saying I’m no Ashley Judd fan, but her twin sister Ilaria Mauro did a fine job in this tournament.


 Spain (4 Games played, 5 Goals, 4 Points) 

Congratulations to all those Syndicate Members who got their wagers in early to take advantage of the Norwegian Line. As it turns out, early traction wasn’t even remotely necessary. The Line moved all the way to Norway +2, meaning even the late bettors earned a tie. Kisses to Jenifer Hermoso, who saved my ass and the wallet tucked therein with a 93rd minute strike ; ) Those are the moments we live for. I liked this team a lot. See you in two years, Chicas ;)

 Spain—INITIAL 2013 Rankings 

Alexia Putellas
10.0
Silvia Meseguer
10.0
Veronique Boquete
10.0
Irene Paredes
9.6
Ruth Garcia
9.5
Virginia Torrecilla
9.1
Erika Vasquez
8.8
Marta Torrejon
8.5
Priscilla Borja
8.0
Leire Landa
7.9
Adriana Martin
7.7
Sandra Vilanova
7.4
Jennifer Hermoso
7.0
Sonia Bermudez
6.7
Ainhoa Tirapu
6.5
Amanda Sanpedro
6.5

 Spain—2013 Rankings (Page One Rewrite) 

Alexia Putellas
10.0
Silvia Meseguer
10.0
Veronique Boquete
10.0
Irene Paredes
9.6
Ruth Garcia
9.5
Virginia Torrecilla
9.1
Erika Vasquez
8.8
Adriana Martin
8.6
Priscilla Borja
8.4
Leire Landa
8.2
Sandra Vilanova
8.0
Jennifer Hermoso
7.7
Marta Torrejon
7.6
Vicky Losada
7.4
Elixabet Ibarra
7.4
Ainhoa Tirapu
6.5
Amanda Sanpedro
6.5
Sonia Bermudez
5.3

Adriana Martin goes up. Sonia Bermudez goes down. In this instance, the repositioning was based solely on the elegance of. Promotions all around for everyone else. Rudimentary Internet research just couldn’t do this team justice.

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XV) 

Let’s discuss our “Perfect Tens”. Some are obvious, others are unconventional.

We’ll begin with Alexia Putellas


Obvious enough, though it may be a push for some hopelessly pathetic guys with ridiculous standards.

Why Veronica Boquete? I’m a sucker for a prominent nose. This obscenely talented footballer almost looks like a “Jewess”





And Sylvia Meseguer?





I honestly don’t know. I just like her focus. She’s professorial. Leave me and my fetishes alone. Leave my chicas alone!!

Had Ana Troyano made this team, we would have had FOUR perfect tens:


Don’t mess with my Chicas. I’ll charm a Spanish woman Javier Bardem style one day. You’ll see ;) For now, I’m just going to go watch “Biutiful” for the 43,651st time.

 France (4 games played, 8 goals, 9 points) 

Un-fucking-believable. I’m weeping alongside my forlorn mademoiselles. Awful direction from Soubreyrand. Terrible finishing from Abiliy, Bussaglia, Bolleau and Renard. Uncharacteristically choppy and dirty play from Gaëthine Thiney.

If one doesn’t feel for Lousia Necib, one lacks a soul. Our poor Algerian Angel had numerous opportunities to shepherd the right team into the Semis. In the end she couldn’t be expected to convert two penalties in one match. That’s asking too much. Conjure up some empathy for substitute Sabrina Delannoy as well. The poor little cutie came within a millimeter of rescuing the Gauloises Gals in that shootout.

It’s a saturnine farewell for the tournament’s most entertaining team. In truth, it’s a huge blow to women’s football in general. Us proponents would rather have the best out there. Instead, Denmark punches through to the Semis without even winning a single match.

Thankfully, the transitional 12-team tournament only serves as a bridge. From 2017 onwards, 16 teams will compete for the Women’s European Championship. The 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup will even feature 24 teams! We’re expanding. Never again will we have to suffer through a tournament in which 8 of 12 teams make the quarters.

Well…with that off my chest, nothing much more to say than….(fighting back lachrymose tears)…Adieu. Adieu ma cherie! Vous me Manquez!

 France—2011 Rankings 

Louisa Necib
10.0
Laure Bolleau
9.7
Corine Franco
9.2
Gaetene Thiney
9.0
Marei Laure-Delie
8.6
Sonia Bompastor
8.2
Ophilie Meilleroux
7.7
Wendie Renard
7.5
Sandrine Bretigny
6.8
Elodie Thomas
6.6
Eugenie Le Sommer
5.7
Camilie Abily
5.5
Laure Lepailleur
5.4
Laura Georges
5.1
Berangere Sapowicz
4.4
Caroline Pizzala
4.2
Sabrina Viguier
3.6
Sandrine Soubeyrand
3.3
Elise Bussaglia
3.0

 France—INITIAL 2013 Rankings 

Louisa Necib
10.0
Laure Bolleau
9.9
Corine Franco
9.9
Gaetene Thiney
9.8
Marei Laure-Delie
9.5
Viviane Asseyi
8.8
Ophilie Meilleroux
8.7
Wendie Renard
8.3
Camile Catala
8.0
Jessica Hourara
7.8
Sandrine Bretigny
7.7
Elodie Thomas
7.6
Eugenie Le Sommer
7.3
Camilie Abily
7.0
Amandine Henry
6.6
Julie Soyer
6.5
Laura Georges
6.3
Sandrine Soubeyrand
3.3
Elise Bussaglia
3.0

 France— 2013 Rankings (Page One Rewrite) 

Louisa Necib
10.0
Laure Bolleau
10.0
Corine Franco
10.0
Gaetene Thiney
10.0
Marie Laure-Delie
10.0
Viviane Asseyi
9.5
Ophilie Meilleroux
8.8
Wendie Renard
8.6
Camile Catala
8.6
Jessica Hourara
8.0
Amadine Henry
8.0
Elodie Thomas
7.9
Julie Soyer
7.8
Sabrina Delannoy
7.4
Camilie Abily
7.0
Sandrine Breitigny
6.8
Laura Georges
6.3
Eugenie Le Sommer
6.2
Sandrine Soubeyrand
5.8
Elise Bussaglia
5.5
Celine Deville
5.3

We’ve gone from one “Perfect Ten” to five! Laure Bolleau, Corine Franco, Marie Laure-Delie, and Gaëthine Thiney all deserve it. They’re gorgeous!

Big promotions for Amandine Henry and Julie Soyer, whom I never even saw in action. Ditto Viviane Asseyi. Sabrina Delannoy makes her inaugural appearance. We’ll see more of her in the years to come…and she’ll avenge today’s heartbreak. No doubt. She’ll get her moment.

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XVI) 

Flying by the seat of my pants here as I absolutely did not anticipate having to write this section so early. About all I can do on an ad-hoc basis is link to our French beauties so as to give you a taste of what might have been. ;( ;(

1) Lousia Necib.

If you missed her, you’ll have to wait another two years to see this:



….and she looks OH SO MUCH better live.

2) Laure Bolleau

All gone. Sob.



3) Corine Franco.

Nuff Said.


4) Gaethine Thiney

Nuff Said.


5) Camile Catala.

Er…I thought it might prove classier if I concluded with shots of a good looking girl who didn’t happen to be naked.

 
More musings to come. Since, as is our tradition, we wish to keep the “Goodbyes and Championship Picks” Section as heartfelt as possible, I humbly propose that we finish “Storia della Bellaza”. Any objections? Duly noted. Still don’t give a shit.

 Sweden (Projected Champions) 

 Sweden –2011 Rankings 

Lotta Schelin
10.0
Jessica Landström
10.0
Sarah Thunebro
9.7
Linda Sembrant
9.0
Linda Nilsson
8.8
Lisa Dahlkvist
8.7
Josephine Öqvist
8.0
Charlotte Rohlin
7.8
Madalaine Edlund
6.8
Linda Forsberg
6.5
Sara Larsson
6.2
Annica Svensson
5.3
Antonia Goransson
5.1
Hedvig Lindahl
5.0
Therese Sjögran
4.8
Sofia Jakobsson
4.2

 Sweden –INITIAL 2013 Rankings 

Lotta Schelin
10.0
Kosovare Asllani
9.8
Sarah Thunebro
9.7
Amanda Illestadt
9.2
Linda Nilsson
8.8
Lisa Dahlkvist
8.7
Josephine Öqvist
8.0
Charlotte Rohlin
7.8
Sina Segerström
7.1
Emilie Konradsson
7.0
Jessica Samuelsson
7.0
Olivia Schough
7.0
Antonia Goransson
5.1
Hedvig Lindahl
5.0
Therese Sjögran
4.8
Sofia Jakobsson
4.2

 Sweden – 2013 Rankings (Revised Page One Rewrite) 

Lotta Schelin
10.0
Kosovare Asllani
10.0
Sarah Thunebro
9.7
Amanda Illestadt
9.6
Lisa Dahlkvist
9.4
Stina Segerström
8.6
Linda Nillson
8.0
Josephine Öqvist
7.8
Charlotte Rohlin
7.3
Emilie Konradsson
7.0
Jessica Samuelsson
7.0
Olivia Schough
7.0
Caroline Seger
6.9
Sofia Jakobsson
6.7
Antonia Goransson
5.5
Hedvig Lindahl
5.3
Therese Sjögran
5.2
Nilla Fischer
5.0
Marie Hammarström
5.0
Kristin Hammarström
5.0

Kosovare Asllanni has booted her way up to a 10.0. Promotions for Amanda Illestadt, Lisa Dahlquist, and Stina Segerström. Props to Sofia Jakobsson for no longer dying her hair.

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Peter Vicey” (Part XVII) 

Kosovare Asllani initially earned this bookie’s ire after her uninspiring debut against Iceland.

From FEM 2013—Round Two:

“Sundhage’s selection of Asllani looks like an ill-advised attempt to spare her the humiliation she suffered when Dennerby dropped her two summers ago. That’s what happens when you pick with your heart, Pia. Terrible distribution. No pace on any of her shots straight at the keeper. No hustle on the 50-50s. Get it together, girl!”

Since this amateurish castigation, Asllani has busted her ass to become the undisputed “player of the tournament”. She scored one and set up two in the Swedish Steamroller’s rout of the Finns. One might even argue that it was her possession and relentless pursuit of 50-50s that conducted the whole affair.

She proved instrumental in setting the tone during the first half of the final group stage match against Italy. She once again produced in the subsequent Icelandic shellacking. Twice she’s been named “player of the match”. Way to make me eat turf, girl. I love being proved wrong!

Have I mentioned she’s also unequivocally a sumptuously sexy beast?







It doesn’t even matter what sort of face she’s making. She somehow can’t fail to look good. As her first name would intimate, she’s of Balkan descent. Some call Lotta the “Female Ibrahimovic”, but Kosovare has her beat at least insofar as heritage is concerned.

What makes these tall and lanky women so drop-dead gorgeous? The answer almost obliterates the “Girl Next Store” analysis. An imposingly robust woman can be just as fetching. No, this isn’t a case of masochism. Rather, the clichéd word I find myself searching for is “statuesque”. While I may have never heard a satisfyingly coherent definition of that word, Asllani appears to be obliging me. Christ, she even looks good sulking!


 Deutschland (Projected third runners-up) 

 Deutschland—2011 Rankings 

Fatmire Bajramaj
10.0
Alexandra Popp
9.7
Lena Gößling
9.3
Simone Laudehr
8.8
Linda Bresonik
8.5
Kim Kulig
7.9
Ariana Hingst
7.8
Bianca Schmidt
6.9
Celia Oko da Mbabi
6.7
Inka Grings
6.6
Babbet Peter
5.8
Saskia Bartusiak
5.3
Vereina Faißt
5.1
Annike Krahn
5.0
Martina Müler
4.8
Birget Prinz
4.4
Kirsten Garefreckas
3.0
Melanie Behringer
2.8
Nadine Angerer
2.0

 Deutschland—2013 INITIAL Rankings 

Fatmire Bajramaj
10.0
Lena Gößling
9.5
Svenja Huth
9.4
Melanie Leupholz
9.4
Simone Laudehr
9.2
Nadine Keßler
9.0
Lena Lotzen
8.7
Isabelle Linden
8.5
Jenifer Cramer
8.3
Josephine Henning
8.0
Bianca Schmidt
7.8
Celia Okoyino da Mbabi
7.8
Dzenifer Marozsan
7.6
Leonie Meier
6.0
Saskia Bartusiak
5.9
Annike Krahn
5.8
Anja Mittag
4.5
Melanie Behringer
3.8
Nadine Angerer
2.0

 Deutschland—2013 (Revised Page One Rewrite) 

Fatmire Bajramaj
10.0
Melanie Leupholz
9.9
Simone Laudehr
9.3
Nadine Keßler
9.3
Lena Gößling
9.0
Lena Lotzen
8.9
Dzsenifer Marzsan
8.8
Leonie Maier
8.8
Isabelle Linden
8.7
Svenja Huth
8.3
Josephine Henning
8.0
Jenifer Cramer
8.0
Bianca Schmidt
7.8
Celia Okoyino da Mbabi
7.8
Saskia Bartusiak
6.5
Annike Krahn
5.9
Anja Mittag
5.0
Melanie Behringer
5.0
Nadine Angerer
5.0

Slight demotions for Svenja Huth and Lena Gößling. Perhaps I’m just tired of blondes. Promotion for Melanie Leupholz, another performer who made me eat crow.

Upgrades for Dzsenifer Marozsan and the Lahm-like Leonie Maier, both of whom have done well. In Maier’s case it’s pure Id. Anyone who excels at the role of a roving fullback attains my attention. I would find myself captivated by a Llama if it could play like Lahm. 

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XVIII) 

Above you’ll find numerous references to my peculiar predilection with Women’s noses. Hallbera’s Icelandic “bubble nose” gets me excited for some reason. Veronica Boquete is said to be nearing “Jewess Status”. What’s the deal, Vicey? Is this some sort of sick inculcated Aryan fetish? Far from it, I will now argue. A young German man’s fascination with noses traces back to Steffi Graf.




Yes indeed. This is what we had to watch and fantasize about every weekend when our parents mercifully allowed us to watch a little bit of Eurosport. As counter-intuitive as it may seem, this woman’s huge honking schnauzer went from being a highly noticeable defect to a gleaming object of desire.

There wasn’t much else for a lonely, misbegotten, confused boy who remained unsure of what language he was supposed to be speaking to daydream about. I wanted that nose. I had to possess that nose. That was my nose. Even as an adult I can recall wanting to fuck the everlasting hell out of Brooke Shields, not because I found her attractive in any way, but to exact revenge on Andre Agassi for stealing my Steffi.

It’s no small wonder then that when I look at Bianca Schmidt,




That’s MY NOSE GODAMMIT! Whew. Okay. Calm down, Vicey. Let her go. After all, I’ve still got Melanie Leupholz to venerate.





Awesome nose, baby doll. Sorry I doubted you. You’re a wonderfully mousey Jewess if I ever saw one ; ) ; )

 Norway (Projected Second Runners up) 

 Norway—2011 Rankings 

Cecille Pederson
9.4
Marita Skammelsrud Lund
9.1
Kristine Wigdhal Hegland
8.9
Hedda Gardsjord
8.8
Lene Mykaland
8.3
Guro Knutsen Mienna
8.2
Emile Haavi
7.9
Ingrid Hyland
7.8
Nora Holstad Berge
7.4
Ingrid Hjelmseth
6.8
Elise Thorsnes
6.7
Maren Mjelde
5.9
Madeline Giske
5.5
Runa Vikestad
5.4
Trinne Ronning
5.2
Gry Tofte Ims
5.0
Leni Larsen Kaurin
4.9
Isabell Herlovsen
4.8
Ingvild Stensland
4.7

 Norway—INITIAL 2013 Rankings 

Catherine Dekkerhus
9.6
Marita Skammelsrud Lund
9.5
Kristine Wigdhal Hegland
9.3
Ingrid Ryland
9.0
Lene Mykaland
9.0
Ada Hegerberg
9.0
Emile Haavi
8.9
Caroline Graham Hansen
8.4
Marit Fiane Christensen
8.2
Nora Holstad Berge
7.9
Ingrid Hjelmseth
7.6
Solveig Gulbrandsen
7.5
Elise Thorsnes
7.2
Toril Ackerhaugen
6.9
Maren Mjelde
6.2
Trinne Ronning
6.0
Gry Tofte Ims
5.5
Leni Larsen Kaurin
4.9
Ingvild Stensland
4.7

 Norway— 2013 Rankings (Revised Page One Rewrite) 

Catherine Dekkerhus
10.0
Ada Hegerberg
9.9
Marita Skammelsrud Lund
9.8
Kristine Wigdhal Hegland
9.8
Ingrid Ryland
9.8
Emile Haavi
9.7
Caroline Graham Hansen
9.0
Nora Holstad Berge
9.0
Ingrid Hjelmseth
8.7
Maren Mjelde
7.7
Solveig Gulbrandsen
7.6
Lene Mykjaland
7.2
Elise Thorsnes
7.2
Toril Ackerhaugen
6.5
Marit Fiane Christensen
6.3
Trinne Ronning
6.4
Gry Tofte Ims
6.0
Leni Larsen Kaurin
5.0
Ingvild Stensland
5.0

Catherine Dekkerhus gets upgraded to a Perfect Ten. Not sure what she was doing as a 9.6 in the first place. Promotion for Ada Hegerberg. How did I miss her? Can’t demote Leni Larsen Kaurin, but I wish I could after seeing her trashy ink.

Promotion for Maren Mjelde because I like her smile. Nora Holstad Berg jumps up significantly. Ingvild Isaksen remains conspicuously absent, as I still can’t make up my mind. Big promotions for Kristine Hegland, Ingrid Ryland and (of course) “Elf Girl” Emile Haavi.

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XIX) 

Alright. Let’s get my little petty little crushes out of the way so I can get to some very serious ruminations on the subject of feminine tattoos.

1) “Elf Girl” Emile Haavi



…and you thought it was merely jest. This girl was raised in the trees!

2) Cathrine Dekkerhus




Let’s go dancing sometime. Seriously. Anytime you’d like.

3) Ada Hegerberg


Picturing these girls in the locker room, braiding each other’s hair….I should stop picturing things now.

4) Marita Skammelsrud Lund


Don’t smile at me like that. Unless……

There are plenty more, but time constraints force me to come to the topic of Leni Laursen Kaurin and the controversial issue of trashy female tattoos.

It breaks down like this, ladies: I’m not necessarily against ink. Art is, after all, a highly subjective matter. I’m personally not interested in putting garbage bumper stickers on this Porsche, but your body remains your prerogative. We’ve all seen some cool full and half sleeves in our day. All of the truly intricate designs have a story behind them….even if I’m not interested in hearing them and would rather finish my beer, go home, and fuck like rabbits.

Here’s the thing: You’re NOT unique. That “feminine awakening” trip you took to the head shop on your eighteenth birthday doesn’t make you a “firework”. You’re not special. Practically every girl of your generation did precisely the same thing. They probably even got the same fucking tattoo. Nearly NINETY PERCENT of female tattoos fall into the following categories:

1) The “Tramp Stamp” 

Might as well get the most obvious one out of the way first. It’s patently absurd how many girls have a set of Angel Wings on the small of their back. Presumably, this serves to remind you how seraphic they are whilst you ravish them from behind. So it’s one of the most sensual parts of the female body? Fair enough. I can think of an even more sensual place and I’d very much appreciate being able to enjoy it without having to look down at a faded butterfly above your ass crack. Thank you.

2) The “Pelvic Rose” 

The second most common one. It’s either a rose, a set of initials, a crucifix, a heart, a Chinese/Japanese character, a set of thorns, a clover, a bird, a skull, a gun…..oh WHO GIVES A SHIT? Why am I supposed to give a shit? If you’re in your panties, I a’int looking at your pelvis. I don’t give two fucks about your pelvis. Your pelvis can go take a running jump. I’ve got work to do.

3) The “Snake”

The “Snake” is never finished, is it guys? Don’t ask a girl about her snake. She’s still got some shading to do. She still has to extend it from her left armpit down to her right calf. Perhaps she’ll have enough money to get the copperhead on her neck shortly before her 80th birthday. By the time she’s finished telling you about it, you’ve closed down the bar and have no more interest in going home with her. You’ve wasted a perfectly good evening listening to a girl talk about her snake. Another day closer to death ;(;(

4) The “Elbow/Back Star”

When confronted with this one, consider it a public service to remind the girl that the Russian Mafia would have raped her to death by now. Just let her know. 

5) The “Forearm/Upper Breast Cursive Initials”

Best to let this one go. Even guys can’t resist the goddamned initials. Nothing lasts forever….but it’s best not to remind people of that.

6) The “Angelina Jolie Paragraph Tattoo”

This one’s a dealbreaker. NO!! This has to stop, women. STOP IT! I’m glad you’re reading, but now you’re just DELIBERATELY trying to make yourselves boring. The odds are stacked against you to begin with. Guys will tire of you, usually within about 3-6 months. Old and New. So works the primordial male mind. How dumb can you get, girls?

You’re essentially sabotaging yourselves by giving the guy THE SAME thing to read every time you get naked. You’ve turned your body into a Dentist’s Office. How novel and adventurous can one make one’s sex life when it always involves the same Corinthians passage?!?!

Okay. To be fair, there are surely enough guys out there who would be happy to know that every time they undress their loves, they can reliably expect to be greeted by an incisive quote from Paul’s letters to the Galatians. I’m not one of those guys. You’re free to consider me a tad eccentric, but I can’t bear the thought of reading the same….thing….every night….over…..and over…..and over again until oblivion claims me.

You can’t do that to me! That’s hell. Making love to the SAME Dickens Excerpt, the SAME Bartlett’s Platitude, the SAME Aesop Fable, the SAME Maya Angelou Poem Poem, the SAME FUCKING Grocery list EVERY GODDAMNED NIGHT for FORTY FUCKING YEARS!?!

No fucking way.

I’m certainly not the only voracious reader out there. Many eyes automatically deviate towards text. Don’t make us read the same thing more than five times. For that matter, don’t make us DO the same thing more than five times. It’s torture. There’s absolutely no text that one can tattoo on one’s body that will end up proving enlightening or useful some day.

Weeellllll. There might be one slight caveat:

 
 Denmark 

 Denmark – INITIAL 2013 Rankings 

Line Røddik Hansen
10.0
Pernille Harder
10.0
Katrina Veje
9.6
Kathrine Pedersen
8.9
Cecile Sandvej
8.7
Line Jensen
8.3
Janni Arnth Jensen
7.9
Karoline Smidt Nielsen
7.8
Emma Madsen
6.9
Sofie Junge Pedersen
6.8
Nadia Nadim
6.7
Malene Olsen
6.6
Mariann Gajhede
6.5
Nanna Christiansen
3.9
Theresa Nielson
3.1
Christina Ørntoft
1.9

 Denmark –2013 Rankings (Revised Page One Rewrite) 

Line Røddik Hansen
10.0
Pernille Harder
9.8
Kathrine Pedersen
9.5
Julie Rydahl Bukh
9.2
Katine Veje
8.8
Cecile Sandvej
8.8
Line Jensen
8.3
Janni Arnth Jensen
7.9
Karoline Smidt Nielsen
7.8
Nadia Nadim
7.5
Sofie Junge Pedersen
7.4
Emma Madsen
7.3
Stine Lykke Petersen
7.2
Johanna Rasmussen
7.0
Malene Olsen
6.9
Sine Hoveson
6.9
Mariann Gajhede Knudsen
6.6
Theresa Nielsen
6.2
Christine Ørntoft
5.0
Mia Brogaard
5.0

Promotion for Katrine Pedersen. Slight demotion for Pernile Harder. Up with Sofie Junge Pedersen, in spite of some bad teeth. Make way for Johanna Rasmussen Julie Rydahl Bukh, Sine Hoveson and Stine Lykke Peterse. They were carelessly and ruefully neglected during the Introductory Rounds. “Listen carefully” as “The Wire” reminds us. ; ) ; )

 “Storia della Bellezza – With Umberto Eco Vicey” (Part XX) 

We come to the conclusion of one of the most sentient works on women since Bukowski opted to get drunk and wipe his ass with a few handy sheaves of paper. I can think of no better issue to conclude upon than the one that remains closest to my heart. Strap in for some parting words from “Vicey—Cougar Hunter”.

Older women are more experienced, less insane, and an altogether more intellectually stimulating experience. Period. One doesn’t accrue wealth without simultaneously accumulating a surfeit of undeserved vanity. Pretentious narcissistic pride dictates that the successful man should carry a young and unblemished trophy cunt on his arm.....much in the way that the successful man should possess a well-manicured lawn, a 72-inch flat screen television, a diamond-encrusted Rolex watch, and both a Mercedes and a Lexus in the garage.

The superficial amenities of this world yield instances of endless and boundless stupidity, but nothing is quite as imbecilic as this. Sure, we’re all turned on by a pretty young thing like Line Røddik Hansen:




Will you still be able of recognizing her beauty when she grows as old as Arnth Jensen?



…or Katrine Pedersen?



…or Julie Rydahl Bukh?



Let’s hope so. They’re all still eminently lovable.

I wish my Syndicate Members all the success in the world, in every last fiscal and metaphysical sense. Bear in mind that once you achieve monetary success, there will be no shortage of opportunistic young sluts willing to suck your cock for a chance at a regular shopping allowance. Should you take them up on their offer, you’ll be a sub-human piece of garbage. You’ll be even worse than that. You’ll be Newt Gingrich. ;)

So endeth the segment. Vicey out.

(microphone drops).

LINES
LINES
LINES
LINES   

Let’s rock the Lines

My Updated Stats—
Spread: 6-14
Straight up: 6-8-6

Wednesday

Deutschland vs. Sweden

Germany vs. Sweden

One remains hopeful, particularly after yesterday’s monumental Danish upset. Anything can happen in football, but it’s virtually impossible to visualize a German victory here. Pia and the girls seem to have it all figured out. Marie Hammarström is on fire. Sundhage was even prudent enough to sub her out in the 63rd. She’ll start fresh and confident.

It appears unlikely that Keßler and Gößling will be able to keep up with her. Öqvist and Seger are clicking as a metronomic midfield pair. Schelin and Asllani have solidified their striking partnership. Krahn and Bartusiak can’t hope to shut them down if Maier and Cramer aren’t back helping. Our two fullbacks aren’t the type to stay home when it matters. “Doomed” reads the agenda.

To her credit, Neid’s rather unorthodox front formations are enough to keep the competition guessing. There’s no telling whether or not she’ll tap Mittag, Lotzen, Maroszan, or even Däbritz in support of Da Mbabi. All that we know for certain is Laudehr will start after her enthralling performance on BOTH flanks in the last match. If Lotzen and Laudehr can keep it up the Krauts stand a fighting chance. Something tells me that’s not happening.

Alzo. For the first time in the history of The Syndicate, I’m presenting a line that leaves Germany the underdogs. The “Bookie Honor Code” precludes me from calling all bets off for this match. My commitment to fairness precludes me from setting “Sweden +2”. You should be allowed to exploit my pride, just as I’ve exploited yours over the years. Good luck, gentlemen.

A Swedish victory will ultimately prove beneficial to this sport I love to watch. My Frauen have won five consecutive tournaments. Time for another country to take the crown. That isn’t to say that I’ll cheer against my Mädels. Not for ONE second.  

Projected Lineups:

 “The Swedish Steamroller” (4-4-2) 

               Lotta Schelin   Kosovare Asllani   
 Sofia Jakobsson                               Josephine Öqvist    
            Marie Hammarström Caroline Seger
S. Thunebro  N. Fischer C. Rohlin J. Samuelsson
                      Kirstin Hammaström             

 “Feuchgebiete” (4-2-3-1) 

                            Celia Okoyino da Mbabi
Lena Lotzen           Dzensifer Maroszan      Simone Laudehr    
                        Lena Gößling  Nadine Keßler
Leone Maier  Saskia Bartusiak  Annike Krahn Jennifer Cramer
                                  Nadine Angerer

Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):

Over/Under ---3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—2 to 1

THE LINE: Sweden + 1 Goal 

Thursday

Denmark vs. Norway

Denmark vs. Norway

Nothing will prevent the Grasshoppers from reaching the Finals. They’re simply too talented. The Danes are only here because of an awkward transitional tournament structure. Projecting the Norwegian Lineup is easier than getting laid at the Prom….with rufies. Hegland, Hegerberg, and Caroline Graham Hansen will all start as forwards. Pellerund’s skillful deputization of Haavi and Thornses afforded them just enough rest to come back shot out of a cannon.

As masterful a tactician as Pellerud happens to be, he must remain wary of Kenneth Heiner-Møller’s revised 4-4-2. Dropping Brogaard and Veje back produced excellent results. Should the Danes maintain any hope of winning, they must replicate the strategy that enabled them to shut down Necib, Elodie Thomas, and Bussaglia in midfield.

In football, the lesser skilled team always has a chance provided they can execute enough neutral-zone cherry picks to generate a few counters. Katrine Pedersen provided just such a cut-off, then supplied a most useful ball to Johanna Rasmussen for the opener that stunned France in the 28th minute.

Throw a team back on their heels and you’ve destroyed any hope of finding equilibrium in the equation. It might happen again…..but I’m not betting on it.  

Projected Lineups:

 “The Norse Grasshoppers” (4-3-3) 

Kristine Wigdahl Hegland   Caroline Graham Hansen   
                               Ada Hegerberg
  Ingvild Stensland  Ingvild Isaksen  Solveig Gulbrandsen   
T.H. Akerhaugen T.R. Rønning M.F. Christensen M. Mjelde
                              Ingrid Hjelmseth              

 “Olsen’s Ho’s ” (4-4-2) 

        Johanna Rasmussen Pernille Harder
Mia Brogaard                          M. G. Knudsen     
            Katrine Pedersen Katrine Veje
L.R. Hansen J.A. Jensen C. Ørntoft T. Nielsen
                      S.L. Pedersen

Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):

Over/Under ---3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—2 to 1

THE LINE: Norway + 2 Goals 

GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS