Happy Election Season (once again) Syndicate members,
As some of you may know, I’ve been crisscrossing the country in order to take care of some irritatingly inconvenient business. Such errands have an upside. Thanks to them, we’ll forgo the verbose introduction. Anyone looking for something more thoughtful may refer to the previous post. YAY! I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my friends in South Louisiana. Thank you for yet again ensuring that I get absolutely nothing done while visiting my home city. If you detect a hint of sarcasm in that statement, you cannot possibly imagine how wrong you are. I genuinely love those who have made it their life’s mission to convince me that there is more to life than working. Thank you, mates. It’s no wonder I keep coming back.
I’d also like to thank all of those who have either wagered
or sent me a witty e-mail. It doesn’t look as if there will be enough time to
accommodate all of your quality banter between now and Monday’s final election
blog. I nonetheless commit myself to a post-election mailbag, along with some
of those trademark “retroactive notes”. We’ll have all sorts of fun after the
lines are done. Onwards to those lines….
Introduction—U.S. Senate
Thanks to the “intent to filibuster”, America now sports the
only disproportionately un-democratic bicameral legislature in the world. Now
those of you on the left need to take a seat. Though the “intent to filibuster”
provision initially debuted in the 1970s, the Democrats were the first to take
advantage of this “silent coup d’etat.”. Now we must deal with a senate that
requires a 60-vote supermajority…and it’s disgraceful. Moreover, Dems should be
particularly ashamed of the fact that the “two-senator” protocol unequally
affords them representation. Yes, it’s true. States such as Montana, Wyoming,
North/South Dakota, Idaho, and South Carolina have absolutely no business
having two representatives in this nonsymmetrical powerful body. Neither do
States like Rhode Island, Connecticut, Delaware, Maine, New Hampshire,
Maryland, and Vermont.
I won’t prolong this pedantic discussion of our broken
democracy much longer. I’ll simply channel the spirit of Thomas Jefferson:
“The United States doesn’t need a Senate…….and black chicks
are a good lay.”
The end.
Category
One—DEEP RED
Texas
Ted Cruz
(R) vs. Paul Sadler (D)
Everyone knows what this chamber needs. More obstinacy!
We're set to get it with Tea bagger Ted Cruz replacing moderate Kay Bailey
Hutchinson. Ooops, did I let some blatant partisanship slip? Sorry. Look, I
personally se nothing wrong with Tea bagging. It’s perfectly
acceptable…..er….at least in my bathhouse.
Hutchinson announced she would not seek a fourth term in
2009, primarily in order to solicit high profile endorsements for her failed
gubernatorial run. The establishment obliged and she all members of the
Bush-Clan: Dubya, “turd blossom” Karl Rove, Bionic man Dick Cheney, and family
consigliere James Baker. Expectations soared that she would out-maneuver Rick
Perry in the primary. After all, this is the state that elected Ann Richards.
Unfortunately her campaign never got off the ground and she suffered a
humiliating defeat at the hands of Josh Broli….er Perry.
The Bushies kept their part of the bargain, campaigning for
Kay even though she’s pro-Choice and low-key. Kay then in turn kept her word,
stepping aside to allowing the Republican candidates to duke it out in the
primary. Lawyer and state house rep Paul Sadler was never considered to
constitute much of a challenge.
Ultra conservative Cuban Religious Rights lawyer Ted Cruz
beat out Lieutenant Governor David Dewherst in what many political junkies
(including this C-Span addict) considered a monumental upset. Apparently, the
endorsement of the Bush clan isn’t playing as well as it used to. Cruz may
essentially be thought of as the original Marco Rubio. In the Senate he plans
to stick close to Jim Demint and Rand Paul, possibly participating in a
circle-jerk session whilst they lovingly fawn over an artist’s rendering of
John Galt.
The over/under on how many times he will invoke Ayn Rand on
the Senate floor…hmmm…six years…I’ll place it at 6,846.
THE
LINE: Cruz +22%
Utah
Orrin
Hatch (R) vs. Scott Howell (D)
Hatch heeded the lessons of his ill-fated colleague Bob
Bennett quite well. He proved especially proactive in avoiding a tea bagging
during the primary, aggressively pandering to his state’s version of the New
Right. Team Orrin immediately dug up dirt on challenger Dan Liljenquist,
leaking the fact that he remained delinquent on his back taxes to the Salt Lake
media the day before he announced his run. Liljenquist never recovered. To the
former state senator’s credit, he played it relatively clean, eschewing any use
of the “RHINO Card” during the primary. Unfortunately, this enabled Hatch to
thoroughly bitchslap him to capture the nomination for his sixth term.
The Big O enjoys immense popularity among the voters of Utah
and earns regular plaudits from his Senate colleagues across the aisle. He’ll
crush former IBM executive, Utah State Senator, and business professor Scott
Howell.
THE
LINE: Hatch +38%
Wyoming
John
Barrasso (R) vs. Tim Chestnut (D)
In the land of Cheney, John Barrasso will easily cruise to a
second legitimate term. The State’s 18,000 or so Democrats selected rural
selectman Tim Chestnut for the symbolic opposition.
An interesting fact concerning Barrasso: He actually had the
balls to tell Grover Norquist to take his “Tax Pledge” and shove it. Hell, he’s
earned my vote. I’ll gladly move to Jackson Hole, Cheyenne or…er…any other
civilized outposts there happen to be in Wyoming.
THE
LINE: Barrasso +38%
Mississippi
Roger
Wicker (R) vs. Albert Gore (D)
Ahem. Do allow me to summarize the current mantra of the
Mississippi Democratic Party (assuming one even exists): Fuck it. Let’s run
some guy named “Albert Gore”. No your eyes don’t deceive you. In what easily
happens to be the dumbest, poorest, most backward state in the country, the
Dems are running a guy named “Albert Gore”. They can’t possibly fucking be
serious….but they are.
Welcome to the most lopsided landslide of the 2012 Election.
Why makes you so certain, Vicey? Because I’m convinced that a plurality of the
voters will ACTUALLY think that the former Vice President is running. Good god.
The 86,000 or so actual Mississippi Democrats (not counting those to lazy to
change their generational party affiliation from the Reconstruction Era) have
surrendered faster than a Vichy appointee spaced out on a date rape drug,
Nothing to see here. Moving on.
THE
LINE: Wicker +45%
Tennessee
Bob
Corker (R) vs. Michael Clayton (D)
The Dems appeared to have it all sewn up during their tide
year of 2006. Majority Leader Bill Frist kept his word and retired. African
American third generation civil rights activist Harold Ford Jr. was all set to
be Tennessee’s very of version of Obama. While his initial numbers were strong,
a plethora of personality defects emerged down the stretch run. The race
tightened up and got especially nasty. A controversial last-minute ad that
depicted Ford as “somewhat fond of the white ladies” put Corker, who would have
probably won anyway, over the top.
These days Ford is primarily known for his patently stupid
attempt to wrest the democratic nomination away from New York senator Kirsten Gillebrand
while Corker has mostly voted with his conservative colleagues, only breaking
with the GOP Caucus to support the START Revamp.
Corker will roll all over insurance agent Mark Clayton, who
happens to be a rambling retard the likes of which make me look like a
sophisticated elder statesmen. I highly recommend his website to anyone looking
to get a good laugh out of totally incoherent lunatic. Do you consider me a
ranting, raving psycho with a low-quality website? Check this moron out:
For those lacking the time to muck around with links, I’ll
lift some my favorite nonsensical passage from his perambulating mission
statement. Note that this frighteningly demented fool occasionally likes to
write in all caps. Note also that I’ve even done him a favor by simplifying his
text, ensuring that it’s all in one color and one font size. I encourage you to
check out the actual text, which abruptly oscillates between regular and size
64 font for no apparent reason and also features far more colors, underlines,
and italics.
“Even Condoleeza Rice has said that Hillary has done a
good job, but Bob Corker with his TRIPS TO FORTY-SEVEN FOREIGN COUNTRIES
BUT ONLY ONE FOREIGN POLICY BILL and his MANY trips all over the world, ALL
WHILE ON HIS FUMING OUT UNWARRANTED ATTACK TEMPER-TANTRUMS AGAINST HILLARY
still thinks that you and I are going to let him pass himself off as a senator
who can be in charge of foreign policy. NO!! WE ARE GOING TO STOP BOB
CORKER!!
AND NO!! WE ARE NOT GOING TO LET BOB CORKER GET AWAY WITH ATTACKING
HILLARY CLINTON WHEN SHE HAS DONE A BETTER JOB THAN HE EVER COULD HAVE DREAMED
OF DOING -- ON HIS BEST DAY WHICH WOULD NOT BE SAYING MUCH.”
Fortunately, Tennessee has an old, forgotten friend who can
help us STOP THE MADNESS. America and Tennessee have begun to drift too far and
forgotten our old friend, of which I am a part, and which has never left
Tennessee and your old friend is waiting for you to come back home -- together
for freedom once again -- the way your parents did in days gone by --
AND JOIN FORCES -- join forces with the hundreds of thousands of Christians
left in Tennessee's Democratic Party who are holding the line and desperately
urging you to help us bring America back from the spiritual dark ages and to
help us uphold some of the more forgotten principles which Dr. King talked
about from the Bible.
When we say that we believe in liberty and justice FOR
ALL, regardless of race, creed, color, religion, or national origin -- we mean
business!!! And we are here to take care of the business of the people of
Tennessee according to the REAL principles of freedom and DEFEND YOUR RIGHTS --
NOT JUST SOME OF THEM -- BUT ALL OF THEM!!!
One of the places where Christians
on the left are still strong is right here in
Tennessee, so your friends and I in the Tennessee Democratic Party are asking
you to take a stand with us for God and the Constitution, pray with us for
Jerusalem, and Vote for me, Mark Clayton, on November 6th.
Bob Corker does not know, like we do, how to STOP THE
TERRORISTS, and Bob Corker's code phrases indicate that he wants more
"boots on the ground" as the only solution that he knows about and
neither knows nor cares about the value of humanitarian organizations and what
the very important role they play keeping Al Qaeda at bay. Anyone who has been
in Washington, D.C. for six years and is qualified in foreign policy knows
people like Al Santoli, but every indication is that Bob Corker utterly clueless.”
Calm down, Mark. It’s okay. Everything is going to be
alright. Just take the medication. You’ll be fine.
THE
LINE: Corker +40%
Nebraska
Deb
Fischer (R) vs. Bob Kerrey (D)
Turnover alert! Conservative Democrat Ben Nelson (most
commonly known as the architect of the Health Care Bill after Tom Daschle was
forced out and Max Baucus handed off) threw one glance at the numbers and opted
to retire rather than face a humiliating defeat. Most every hardcore Dem one
speaks to will not consider this an especially significant loss, given the
woefully shitty job Nelson did with Obama’s signature campaign promise. Nelson
lost the support of everyone after producing this turd of a landmark
legislation. Those on the left decried the fact that he recycled Bob Dole’s
mid-90s plan, left single payer/public option off the table, did nothing to
address the American “Fee for Services” System and summarily failed to get his
caucus on the same PR Page. Republicans continue to howl that this “government
takeover of healthcare” amounts to a “radical communist plot to destroy the
foundational values of freedom”….or some such shit.
Alles Klar. It’s perfectly acceptable for Nelson to take the
fall for his meek effort to play conciliatory politics with perhaps the most
pressing issue that threatens long-term U.S. financial stability. It’s entirely
reasonable for Nelson to pay the price for fucking with the milquetoast
nonsense Max Baucus concocted. What remains unacceptable is the utter lack of
knowledge about this bill among those who would fiercely debate it. Yes, I’m
talking to you Facebook Fiends. I know you have the urge to fuck-off at work.
We all need to waste time in order to be productive. Consider doing so by
reading the bill as opposed to posting self-righteous comments about it. The
advent of the digital age may have given us all a voice, but it’s also bestowed
upon us unprecedented access to the workings of our government. Exploring the
latter before exercising the former turns out to be quite fulfilling. Believe
me.
With that little mini-diatribe off my chest, let’s move on
to the actual contest. The Dems have drafted Bob Kerrey out of retirement. He
actually held the seat that Nelson inherited back in 2000. State Rep Deb
Fischer upset two more established Republicans in the primary and was seen as
vulnerable. Though not technically a member of the Tea Party, reports indicate
that the “New Right” courts her hard in the hopes that she may be added to
their roster of “underdog champions”. Should she eventually submit, we’ll have
now covered two Republicans (Cruz being the other one) whose sole job in the
Senate will be to slow and obstruct the business of this already languid
chamber. Are we keeping track. We’re now at TWO.
Whether or not Fischer will win isn’t the issue. Who she
aligns herself with is. Bob Kerrey doesn’t stand much of a chance after living
in New York since his retirement.
THE
LINE: Fischer +11%
Category
Two—DEEP BLUE
Washington
Maria
Cantwell (D) vs. Michael Baumgartner (R)
Growing up the Deep South, I had the diffident pleasure of
constantly hearing my High School Free Enterprise Instructor constantly angrily
referring to the Pacific Time Zone as “The Left Coast”. “Luckily we’ve got core
conservative values down here in Louisiana,” he would say. Can’t say this
irresponsibly shallow propaganda didn’t irk me. Luckily, right next to the
school there happened to be a parking lot to toke up in. Trouble is, he was
right, and I can (summoning up some empathy) see where the good old boy was
coming from. The middle of the country resents the progressivism emanating from
the coasts. Period. Even though this “Son of the South” never (not even once)
encountered someone on the coast who condescended to him because of his
Southern Roots, the belief that someone might permeates the mind of the
Southern Conservative.
Hmmm…okay. To hop of this topic, we’ve got ourselves another
essay for another time. The only point to be retained pertains to the reality
that the Pacific Coast is quite blue. They’re proud of their women and even
eminently qualified Michael Baumgartner can hope to unseat Cantwell…nor should
he. Cantwell is sharp as a tack, incredibly well-informed and hard working. Has
your friendly bookie mentioned that he absolutely loves industrious and driven
women?
That needs to be said. The response of your average male
would be to run away, cry his eyes out, and only date women who cook for him
for the rest of his life.
THE
LINE: Cantwell +13%
California
Dianne
Feinstein (D) vs. Elizabeth Emken(R)
Continuing our tour of “Left Coast Women” that Vicey has a
strange Freudian fascination with, Diane Feinstein will return. It’s Ladies
night…and the feeling’s right. Both Feinstein and Barbara Boxer rode in on
Clinton’s coattails in 1992. Over the intervening two decades they’ve become
unbeatable fixtures on the California scene. The GOP has drafted a credible
challenger in UCLA Alum and Autism advocate Elizabeth Emken. Prior to her
advocacy career, Emken maintained a corporate gig with IBM while simultaneously
raising three children. She’s an impressive character, but not nearly
impressive enough to unseat Feinstein, who has savvy, moxie, and even an
intriguing independent streak.
THE
LINE: Feinstein +22%
Minnesota
Amy
Klobuchar (D) vs. Kurt Bills (R)
All hail “working women”. Fuck “girl power”. Skilled
attorney Amy Klobuchar has captured the hearts of Minnesota voters in spite of
the (surprisingly if you must) even split of the state’s voter registration.
She’s smart. She’s bipartisan. She’s a workhorse. She’s kicking the shit out of
High School Economics teacher Kurt Bills, who in fifteen years of experience
appears to have learned little beyond the basics of the pedantic “Supply &
Demand” Model.
Keep your eye on Amy. You may be potentially looking at the
next Supreme Court nominee or even a 2016 candidate.
THE
LINE: Klobuchar +31%
Vermont
Bernie Sanders (I) vs. John MacGovern (R)
Okay. First things first. You pinkos (and you know who you
are) who e-mailed me insisting that I mention the time Dick Cheney told Bernie
Sanders to “fuck off” on the floor of the U.S. Senate: I may not have had the
time to respond to you individually, but you’re thinking of Patrick Leahy, the
other Vermont senator. Stupidity pulls my strings, irrespective of which side
of the political spectrum it’s coming from.
Steady yourselves. Sanders, technically an independent,
caucuses with the Democrats as a….are you ready….. “European-Style Socialist”
Sigh. I should like Bernie, but he’s really not doing any part of my life any
favors. To begin with, Bernie actually endorses positions that are
significantly to the left of most European Social Democratic parties…okay with
the possible exception of the Swedish center-right alliance (yes…the
CENTER-RIGHT alliance). Secondly, and of greater importance, ………..I just can’t
do it anymore. I can’t do it. I’m so fucking tired of explaining that countries
like France and Germany actually have capitalist economies. No more. I beg of
you. I can’t take it anymore!!
Something is rotten in the state of America. Every asshole
who ever took a Poli-Sci course at a community college is convinced that
Europe’s core represents a socialist engine. No, no, NOOOOOO! Yes, there are
social democratic parties. Yes, the tax code is a shade more progressive and
the social safety net a bit broader. That doesn’t translate to Socialism! We
have a free market. We have entrepreneurship. We have a stock exchange where
pensions both state and private pensions are invested. We have privatized
government entities. We have consumption indices. We have non-unionized labor,
private health insurance, and corporate tax exemptions. Won’t you please shut
the fuck up? Just shut the fuck up. “Hey man, you may have intricate knowledge
of German/French politics…but I took a Poli-Sci course at UL-Monroe” doesn’t
even begin to be a fucking argument!! I humbly beseech you to shut the fuck up.
I can’t take it anymore.
Now you know why I can’t support Bernie. Moreover, I think
he should be kept away from Obama at all times. He’s fighting the wrong
fight….and will continue to do so.
THE
LINE: Sanders +14%
Michigan
Debbie Stabenow (D) vs. Pete Hoekstra (R)
Pay attention, Sarah. Michigan is lost. No point in you
“going rouge”. Might I suggest you “Go Rouge”? Spend some time with my people.
You’ll feel better…and you might even lose that obnoxious accent/faux folksy
tone. Hoekstra killed his chances with a 2012 Super Bowl Ad universally agreed
upon as fucking ridiculous. Puerile Pete hired an Asian California Beauty Queen
to portray a Chinese girl thanking Stabenow for selling her U.S. Debt. The ditz
has since disavowed her involvement in the Ad, claiming she……I don’t fucking
know……claiming her job was to have a nice pair of tits and read the script.
Hoekstra doubled down on his trifling and hollow attempt to pretend as if the
Chinese will some day own America…and now he’ll pay the price.
THE
LINE: Stabenow +16%
West
Virginia
Joe Manchin (D) vs. John Raese (R)
Robert Byrd is dead. Very much the tragedy as he was only
93-years-of-age and mentally unstable. Too many of us will recall the Robert
Byrd who suffered from dementia, had trouble with time/space, and mistakenly
thought he was still a member of the Klu Klux Klan. True, this man enjoyed
close relations with n****r hater/lover Strom Thurmond. True, he joined with
Thurmond to filibuster the Civil Rights Act of 1964. True, he siphoned off an
unbelievable amount of pork for his debtor state. True, his anti-dog fighting
speech straddled the line between semi-legitimate address and grandpa’s drunken
vaudeville revue. I choose to remember the Robert Byrd that did what no
Democrat dared to do back in 2002: He opposed the creation of the Homeland
Security Department. He even took a full print out of the entire measure, threw
in down on the podium and declared “This monstrosity shows how we’ve lost our
way”.
In his speech that day, Byrd emphatically averred, “It’s as
if Washington told the troops crossing the Delaware, stay on the other side and
build a bureaucracy.” Well done, late senator. We’ve done more than give more
unqualified losers classified access. You had it right. I’m looking very much
forward to the news of the black child you fathered. “Old Dixie” doesn’t bother
me…so long as you got it right in the end.
Anyway, replacement Joe Manchin has proven popular enough
with West Virginia voters. He’ll surely mop the floor with purported
businessman John Raese, who has run for office four times…and also lost four
times.
THE
LINE: Manchin +30%
New
Jersey
Robert Menendez (D) vs. Joe Kyrillos (R)
We’ll all remember Robert Menendez as the dolt who turned
his Sonia Sotomayor confirmation vote into a West Side Story musical number.
He’ll nevertheless prevail against weak challenger Joe Kyrillos, whose only
qualifications consist of the fact that his grandparents were Greek immigrants
and that he once managed the revenue side of a hospital. Yeeeeoch. Hurricane
Sandy will render this an even uglier defeat.
THE
LINE: Menendez +20%
New
York
Kirsten Gillebrand (D) vs. Wendy Long (R)
Who says the Democratic Party doesn’t produce hot cougarish
MILF(s)? I’d do Kirsten. Not much of a worthwhile endorsement, I know. Let’s
try again. Gillebrand is a very accomplished attorney who boasts two important
distinctions. First, she was the only member of the senate to tow the party
line throughout Obama’s first term. Next, her fearless multi-media support
proved invaluable to Obama’s agenda. She doesn’t get to lose. Opponent Wendy
Long has absolutely nothing to offer. She’s a former congressional page….in
other words, she knew how to suck a cock. Not good enough.
THE
LINE: Gillebrand +40%
Rhode
Island
Sheldon Whitehouse (D) vs. Barry Hinkley (R)
I’ll admit it. I wasn’t happy to see Lincoln Chafee go.
Liberal Republican and all-around likeable character suffered a defeat to
Sheldon Whitehouse during the Democratic Tide of 2006, in spite of his promise
to leave the Republican Party. The DNC eventually called in Big Dog Bill
Clinton to pick up Whitehouse and carry him on his shoulders. In the end everyone
got something out of it. Chafee was recently elected as Rhode Island’s
Lieutenant Governor. Whitehouse enjoys high favorability ratings among the
state’s citizens. Software entrepreneur Barry Hinkley has achieved likeability,
but can’t make the polls move.
THE
LINE: Whitehouse +25%
Maryland
Ben Cardin (D) vs. Dan Bongino (R)
Republican prospects in this deep blue densely populated
states appear to be nil. Cardin successfully defended this long-held democratic
seat by fending off Michael Steele in 2006. Apparently, Baltimore and D.C.
suburb voters found Steele to a bit loopy. Former Secret Service agent Dan
Bongino….well…the polite way to say this. Hell with it, he’s a numbskulled cop
who studied psychology and economics (in all likelihood with the aid of a
ghostwriter. Sorry there, officer. Have to call it like I see it. Stay-at-home
Dad Rob Sobhani will siphon away any blind-spite dipshit independent votes. The
citizens of Baltimore, blessings be upon them, will not elect a brick-headed
cop.
THE LINE:
Cardin +26%
Delaware
Tom Carper (D) vs. Kevin Wade (R)
Hey, ho! It’s Christine O’Donnell’s state. The voters of
Delaware exhibit a North-South divide. No, I’m not kidding. The denizens of
northern Delaware tend to be urban, educated, and democratic. Drive about three
miles down the road and you’ll meet the voters of southern Delaware: rural,
evangelical, and Republican. I’ve had the privilege of driving through Delaware
before and am pleased to report that it was a very enjoyable 15 minutes. The first
11.5 minutes featured some fine riverside real estate. The remaining 2.5
minutes, which featured some nicely cleaved soybean crops and few rebel flags,
were also a delight.
This proud “Son of the South” once held onto to the
unimaginably quixotic hope that one day this country would overcome it’s
Mason-Dixon line bullshit. One morning we would all wake to the realization
that we are one country, albeit one with some regional variance. Some slight
deviations aside, we’re all the same consumer-driven blowhards with similarly
unattainable ambitions.
Of course that will never happen. We can’t even fucking
accomplish some semblance of unity in Delaware for Christ’s sake. New Castle
“undercover boss” Kevin Wade will win the support of the South….but that’s only
2.5 minutes.
THE
LINE: Carper +26%
Maine
Angus King (I) vs. Charlie Summers (R) vs. Cynthia
Dill (D)
To paraphrase The Dude himself, “Now that’s fucking
interesting man. That’s fucking interesting.” Olympia Snowe is no more. She’ll
spend her golden years attempting to convince her husband that she’s the most
important person in a hyper-partisan household and that he should thus spend
all of his precious time lobbying her to get in the kitchen and boil up some
grits.
Oh yes…I’m prepared to be a dick about this woman. For the
first two year’s of Obama’s term, any piece of legislation required extensive
private meetings with Snowe and her Maine colleague Susan Collins. The entire
legislative process ground to a halt while we dealt with two needy women. To
her credit, she eventually allowed herself to be won over more times than not.
Still, she had her undeserved moment in the national spotlight and has no
business blaming “Hyper-partisanship” for her retirement. A ridiculous
preponderance of “Me-Days” happens to be the real reason. Damn women and their
“Me-Days”.
Anyway, Snowe’s decision to step down threw this race into
chaos and we finally arrive the “That’s fucking interesting, man” content that
you wrongly assumed I forgot about. After fiercely contested primaries, the
Republicans brought forth battered-and-bruised Secretary of State Charlie
Summers. State Senator and civil right’s lawyer Cynthia Dill also faced stiff
competition, emerging from a congested primary with a somewhat battered reputation.
Enter former governor Angus King, an independent expected to earn a solid
victory.
King has kept tight-lipped about which party he will caucus
with, but one has to assume the experienced reformer will caucus with the Dems.
This prospect appears even more likely in the event of an Obama victory. So we
get another independent….sort of.
THE
LINE: King +17%
New
Mexico
Martin Heinrich (D) vs. Heather Wilson (R)
Jeff Bingaman served the Land of Enchantment for five terms
(to put that in perspective, since before I was but a fetus). Voters appear
unlikely to cede his seat to anyone either that anointed heir Martin Heinrich.
Former congresswoman Heather Wilson has the credentials, but the national party
just isn’t pumping enough money in.
THE
LINE: Heinrich +9%
Hawaii
Mazie Hirono (D) vs. Linda Lingle (R)
Former governor Linda Lingle stands little of a chance in
what will be a huge year for President Obama in Hawaii. Anyone care to keep
bringing up the Birth Certificate? Guess what, Birthers? You just cost you
party a solid pick-up.
THE
LINE: Hirono +20%
Category
Three—DEEP PURPLE
Florida
Ben Nelson (D) vs. Connie Mack IV (R)
Sigh. Such myopic stupidity. The Republicans keep giving
this seat away. Old-School Southern Democrat Bill Nelson appears more
vulnerable every year. In 2006, however, the GOP fucked up royally by nominated
Kathleen Harris. You may recall her as the Cruella Deville look-alike who made
a supreme ass out of herself during the 2000 Florida recount. This time around
they nominated fourth generation inbreed Connie Mack. Yes, Mary Bono’s beau.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Sure, there are plenty of old transplant Florida Jews who
remember the Philadelphia A’s.
Actually…not really. Most of them are dead. The latest polls
show Nelson gradually pulling away. Mack lost what he could have earned by
expressing pride in his pampered upbringing. Idiot. The only reason this one
finds itself in the “DEEP PURPLE” category concerns the caution one must
exercise when projecting all things Florida.
THE
LINE: Nelson +6%
Pennsylvania
Bob Casey (D) vs. Tom Smith (R)
In the battle of “names guys use to check into no-tell
motels”, Casey maintains a slight edge. In allusion to the paragraphs above,
the Dems know how to pick up a seat. In 2006 they ran a socially conservative
challenger to steal this seat from Rick Santorum. Sweater-vest Rick couldn’t
outbox Casey on the issues of abortion or contraception. The GOP shows every
sign of having wised up, running coal-tycoon Tom Smith to recapture the seat.
Keep an eye on this one, as it will run late.
THE
LINE: Casey +1%
Arizona
Jeff Flake (R) vs. Richard Carmona (D)
After the state-level immigration law and Jan Brewer’s
finger pointing, the Dems want this one bad. They want it OH SO BAD. They've
even nominated George W. Bush’s surgeon general to regain some presence in the
state. Both sides came out with guns blazing after John Kyl announced his
retirement. The GOP offered Flake, an outspoken House member who definitely
tilts far to the right. The Dems countered with a moderate in the hopes of
proving that they can earn a slice of the desert too. Polls have been all over
the place, with the latest pitting Flake with a narrow advantage.
Left-leaners will likely have to grit their teeth and accept
that Flake will soon be gasbagging on the floor of the U.S. Senate.
THE
LINE: Flake +2%
Connecticut
Chris Murphy (D) vs. Linda McMahon (R)
She returns! The bitch is back. Don’t call her a slut or
she’ll break your neck. Oh….yeah! Wife of wrestling baron Vince McMahon may
have lost a humiliating Senate race to confirmed sociopath Richard Blumenthal
after outspending him 3-1, but did she back down? NOOOO! She DOUBLED DOWN!
Oh……yeah! Apologies to those American Football fans, who still feel cheated by
the XFL, but this race will be razor thin.
Ideally, the Democrats will retain Joe Lieberman’s senate
seat against another 3-1 spending blitz, but nothing’s for sure here. I’d like
to see Linda McMahon lose not because I dislike her. I merely eagerly
anticipate her third comeback. Oh…..yeah!
THE
LINE: Murphy +3%
Indiana
Richard Mourdock (R) vs. Joe Donnelly (D)
Have you been keeping count? Thus far we have TWO. Should
Richard Mourdock win this seat, we’ll have THREE new Tea Party members serving
in the most lethargic chamber in the world. Mourdock’s highly-publicized defeat
of senior senator Richard Lugar in the primarily will either serve as a Tea
Party rallying cry, or more mounting evidence that the FOX News pretend grass
movement to feign outrage has produced nothing but negative blowback.
It would be nice to see Donnelly prevail. Once again, this
is not because I dislike Republicans. Far from it. I dislike kids whining in
the toy aisle. That’s your Tea Party. Waaaaaaaaahhh. “I want Cookie Crisp!”. “I
want an action figure!”. “I want my country back”. “Waaaaaaaaaah”
Give it up, people. No one is taking your country. Moreover,
NO! You can’t have another fucking toy!
THE
LINE: Donnelly +2%
Massachusetts
Scott Brown (R) vs. Elizabeth Warren (D)
Scott Brown has done everything he can to retain Kennedy’s
seat. He won in a special election in what proved to be a catastrophic year for
democrats. He’s voted in favor of the Obama Agenda no fewer than half a dozen
times. He’s signed the release of all his nude photos. To be honest, I’m not
entirely sure Brown and his truck deserve to be out of a job. Elizabeth Warren
may be a liberal darling….but all I happen to see is an opportunistic
professor. This bookie wants nothing to do with this contest. Pick your
candidate.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Missouri
Claire
McCaskill (D) vs. Todd Akin (R)
Time to address the Elephant in the Room. Is it pronounced
“Me-sor-ee” or “Mih-sor-ah”? Personally, I prefer “The sovereign state of
‘Misery’”, but that’s just me. In point of fact, the controversy surrounding
how one pronounces the state’s name remains the only real issue in this
campaign. Hard to believe? Don’t make me do this.
Look. Regardless of the indisputable reality that everyone
and his/her mother agrees that Mr. Akin is mistaken about baby-makin’, most
Missouri faith congregations have rallied around “Mr. Legitimate Rape”. A
couple of months ago we thought he was toast. Nothing could be further from the
truth. Consortium after consortium has come to Akin’s rescue. Why? Because there
was once another man who everyone gave up on. There once existed a man who was
betrayed by one of his best friends for thirty pieces of silver. This man was
tossed out, turned over, and ultimately crucified.
Who was this man? You guessed it….Creed frontman Scott
Stapp. Okay, maybe it was actually Jesus of Nazareth, but we’ll accord them
both the same status. Both were overrated drunks who produced an inferior
product.
One more shot at Scott Stapp before (mercifully) moving away
from Missouri. He endorsed Mitt Romney on “Fox and Friends”. Here’s how he came
to that conclusion:
“He cried out to God,
seeking only his decision,
Gabriel stood and confirmed,
that he was a useless hypocritical drunk who can’t even sing
his own shitty music,
and that he should support Mitt Romney.”
McCaskill will retain her seat. Another example of
Republicans failing to take advantage of a vulnerable incumbent. It will be
close.
THE LINE: McCaskill +4%
Montana
Denny Rehberg (R) vs. John Tester (D)
Did you know that Montana has two Democratic senators? They
may be fairly feckless characters, but John Tester and Max Baucus persist,
voting slightly to the right of the democratic caucus. Sole House
Representative Denny Rehberg will in all likelihood buck this anomalous trend;
though the race remains too close to call.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Nevada
Dean Heller (R) vs. Shelley Berkley (R)
After John Ensign resigned, this seat was ripe for a
democratic picking. Unfortunately for them, House Representative Dean Heller
did a marvelous job of bringing back the magic and former cocktail
waitress/Nevada congresswomen Shelly Berkley seems to connecting with enough
voters….to leave her short of victory.
THE
LINE: Heller +4%
North
Dakota
Rick Berg (R) vs. Heidi Heitkamp (D)
Time to recycle on of my old lines: You’re not high, North
Dakota actually is in play. Maybe you’re still high, but that isn’t my problem.
Former State Attorney general Heidi Heitkamp has a shot at knocking off Kent
Conrad’s chosen successor. Polls have been unreliable, making this one pure
guesswork.
THE
LINE: Berg+4%
Ohio
Sherrod Brown (D) vs. Josh Mandel (R)
One-term senator Sherrod Brown possesses inclinations that
might put off a center-right swing-state voter. Little puissant Treasurer Josh
Mandel has still done a poor job of mounting a challenge and Ohio Dems will
likely ride in on Obama’s coattails. Some polls show Brown pulling away, but a
decisive call is beyond this bookie.
THE
LINE: Brown +2%
Virginia
Tim Kaine (D) vs. George Allen (R)
In easily the most fascinating race in the nation, George
Allen returns to take back the seat he lost to Kim Webb in 2006. Former
governor (not to mention DNC chairman) Tim Kaine has been tasked with defending
the seat. There’s absolutely no point in attempting to handicap this race. No
one knows how this one will swing….not even the all-knowing Xenu.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Wisconsin
Tammy Baldwin (D) vs. Tommy Thompson (R)
Herb Kohl will sit this one out. Former governor and Health
& Human Secretary under G.W. Thommy Thompson would appear to be a shoe-in,
but he’s a harsh primary has left him broke and scarred. Tammy has been
struggling as well. We’ll end with a pick, gentlemen. No one can call a race
that has switched leads no fewer than eight times.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
FINAL
PROJECTION:
113th
United States Senate
54
Democrats (counting caucus)
46
Republicans
(Democrats
pick up one seat)
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
