CC 2013--Round Two

Nem vem que Nao Tem Syndicate Members,

Great tournament we have going, football fans! In eleven years of keeping a book, I cannot recall a tournament in which EVERY SINGLE first round match proved wildly entertaining. Excellent debut for the Brazilians. The Wops and Spaniards maintained the pace. The “Super Eagles” remain truly super. Despite their off-field problems, they showed up and demonstrated enough poise to crush the opposing inferior insects. 

Do forgive your friendly bookie as he finds himself atypically “over-worked and over-politic-ed”. Such things happen even to the most experienced academic warriors. The intrinsic value of the syndicate remains our fellowship. We shall not deviate from this foundational principle as our Summer festival progresses. Even if a late start leaves your reliable Vicey scrambling to catch up with your riffs, rest assured that every last letter remains duly saved and documented. Should you require evidence of the “Proof Positive Grade”, I’m happy to present to you the best counter-riffs (written, spoken, and intimated) associated with this year’s sponsor:

 “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew”

Riff: “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew: When a bottle of Isopropyl Alcohol just isn’t classy enough.”

Counter riffs:

--“Big Flats: Even better than the Wintergreen variety of Isopropyl Alcohol!”

--“Big Flats: Your teeth are already green. Who gives a shit?”

--“Big Flats: Stock it properly.”

Riff: “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew: At a price of $2.99 you can’t afford NOT to get wasted. Big Flats: Pour some on the ground for all your dead homies, and try not to act surprised when they spit it right back in your face”

Counter riffs:

--“It actually costs $3.49”

--“You better have a fridge full of that crap next time I visit”

--“It tastes worse than middle management ego!!”

Riff: “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew: It’s the only beer out there brewed in accordance with the Walgreens Reinheitsgebot of 2013. Big Flats: Piss on the problems in your life. While you’re at it, might as well piss in your beer. It can’t hurt the taste. Trust me.

Counter riffs:

--“Happy 500^th anniversary, Reinheitsgebot!!”

--“I thought that ‘Reinheitsgebot’ meant that someone’s pants smelled like Sauerkraut”

--“Pabst Blue Ribbon: Piss in your beer and no one will notice.”

Riff: “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew: It’s what to drink when you find yourself at the corner of “I’m bored” and “I’m broke”

Counter riffs:

--“I’m going to kick you in the butt”

--“You forgot “at the corner of ‘more work’ and ‘less pay’ “

--“We’re all broke. We’re all poor. You whine like no one else.”

Riff: “Big Flats 1901. It’s the anti-Nawgan energy drink. It’s ‘what to drink when you prefer not to think’. Nine out of ten hobos prefer the taste of “Big Flats 1901” to “Keystone DryIceLite”. Nuff said

Counter riffs:

--“I always prefer not to think”

--“You’re beginning to sound like this beer brand should be paying you some advertising fees”

--“Where is this going?”

Riff: “Big Flats 1901”: Conceived by overpaid marketing executives, consumed by underpaid laborers. No other beer comes close to being so bad on so many levels. Crack open a can and enjoy.”

Counter riffs:

--“Welcome to the real world, Vicey.”

--“Gimme the Cash!!!”

--“$$$$ is all that matters”

--“If it's even sold here, it would be capped at 3.2% alcohol. That’s pointless.”

Riff: “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew wishes to remind you that the word ‘premium’ means about as much as ‘natural’ or ‘organic’. Swallow your ‘Fish Oil’ and eat your ‘Sea Salt’. Just so long as you consume.”

Counter riffs:

--“..But I shop at Trader Joe’s!!”

--“My local Walgreens does not carry the glorious beer that sponsors your ‘business’. Shit.”

--“Stop talking smack about my potato chips! They’re all I have left!”

Great to hear from you brothers…as always. Time for the “e-mail riff of the day”:

E-mail Riff of the Day

Reader: Can we get something better than green text?

Vicey: No. The answer is no. I must empathically emphasize that the answer is “no”. In Martin Scorsese’s classic mid 90s Opus, Robert De Niro can be seen sitting in front of his desk feeling empowered. Astern of him, one can observe a sign that reads, “Yes….No.”. No, no, no. Need I really remind you that this is a “one-man-show”? The green text against the black background mimics the colors of the DFB. If you want something more aesthetically pleasing, talk to Peter in the Graphics Department. Actually, don’t even bother. I called him. Here’s a transcript of our conversation:

Vicey: Is Peter Available?

Peter: “Peter is speaking”

Vicey: “This is Vicey over in the writing department. I was hoping to speak to Peter in the Graphics Department.”

Peter: “You’re speaking to him”

Vicey: I was hoping that you could transform your modest blog into a multimedia presentation with mass appeal.

Peter: “Nah…I have to go to work tomorrow.”

Vicey: But aren’t you intrigued by the chance to mesmerize the populace with your metaphysical brilliance?

Peter: “Not really…I have bills to pay.”

Vicey: Forget about your car insurance premiums, your cats’ food bills, your savings account, your Health Insurance, your sustenance expenses, your cell phone bill, your newspapers, your dry-cleaning, your music purchases, and your rent. Don’t you want to be an artist?

Peter: “No…I want to pay my bills. I like having Health Insurance. I like keeping the cats fed. I like eating….even if most of the people that I work with can’t afford it. I like my cars. I love music. I even like nicely starched shirts. I cannot accept your challenge, for I am just a spoke on the wheel……

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Updating the blog’s graphics has proven….well quite frankly it’s proven tedious. I’m a writer, NOT a bleeding graphic designer. I’ll concede the point in advance: It looks sloppy. I know, I know. Thankfully I can always fall back on the “hobby defense”. As frustrating as it may be for a perfectionist to do something as menial as laundry in a substandard fashion, it’s eminently liberating not to be beholden to the bondage of the “nitty gritty”. That’s what hobbies are for: TO RELAX…..The first person to comment on how their kindergarten-aged daughter’s aesthetic skills trump mine gets a shrimp fork to the throat!! ; ) ; ) 

Ramble On, Vicey

---Time to address the elephant in the room: By now everyone knows fastidious Brazilian customs agents confiscated the Italian team’s foodstuffs. The official stats fall squarely in the “You Can’t Make This Shit Up Department”:

--400 lbs of Pasta

--350 lbs of Pizza Dough

--200 lbs of Olive Oil

--50 lbs of Pesto

--40 lbs of Parmesan Cheese

--35 lbs of Prosciutto

--15 lbs of Capers

God bless you, Wops.

--Speaking of the “You Can’t Make This Shit Up Department”, we now know that Oceanic Champions Tahiti are nothing more than a sprinting doormat. Did you also happen to know that a full NINE players out of the starting eleven are unemployed postal workers, delivery men, cashiers, and taxi drivers. One player’s life consists of collecting and cleaning coconuts. Not that I’m judging…it sounds like a decent enough life.

---SPECIAL PROGRAMMING NOTE: Did you know that the 2012 Retroactive Notes include the “Daily Briefings”? Check them out if you have the time.  I firmly resolve to compose retroactive notes for the 2010 Dalies….after I finish vomiting from profuse exhaustion.

--A bit of lazy light research means that I don’t have the name of the Mexican play-by-play announcer who called the Italy match. All I know is that I desperately need him to come over to my house and call my ironing/dishwashing.

--Observing Mario Balotelli with a normal hairdo….it’s like seeing Alex Trebek without a tie. It’s more awkward than stumbling in on your parents naked.

--What are you doing Spaniards? You may speak a romance language, but that’s no excuse to flop like Wops!

Hot Girl Standings

Country	Tally	Games Played
Brazil	14	1
Nigeria	7	1
Mexico	6	1
Spain	5	1
Italy	4	1
Japan	2	1
Tahiti	1	1
Uruguay	1	1

No surprise that the hosts are off to a cracking start. Look for the Uruguayans to overachieve in this “test tournament”

My Updated Stats—

Spread: 2-2

Straight up: 3-1

All lines are calculated personally by your friendly bookie Vicey…..the individual who challenges Richard Pryor in the eccentricity department. The correspondence that follows is, as always, crafted with sincere amity for those who appreciate sharp wit and an extra spot of fun in their day. Should you prefer solemnity, drama, and conflict… kindly return to facing the muffins.  

Wednesday

Brazil vs. Mexico

 vs. 

Neymar will not be denied! He’ll carry confidence into this second round showdown against the slowpoke spicks. If there are any fans of El Tri reading, your team REALLY sucks. Get it together or we won’t see you next summer. Rodriguez and Torrado look terrible.

THE LINE: Brazil +2 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:

RESULT: Brazil 2, Mexico 0. Neymar evidently doesn’t know how to get off to a slow start. For the second consecutive match he turned a broken play into a sensational goal inside of ten minutes. After Paulinho did a heroic job of keeping the ball in play in a battle along the right touchline, he flicked forward for Hulk, who in turn one-touch to Dnai Alves. Alves went screaming forward before whipping in a cross intended for Fred. Francisco Rodriguez attempted to volley away but could only head it as far back as the 18. Once again Neymar picked one out of the air. He let the clearance take its natural parabola before first-timing a torpedo that one wouldn’t have been surprised to see break through the net. Such poise. Such power. This kid will likely end up being the greatest of all time.

The Samba Kings produced an unrelenting offensive onslaught. David Luiz and Paulinho tested Mexican keeper Jesus Corona in the subsequent four minutes. Alves himself got in on the action with a floated effort that Corona was barely able to tip over. Rodriguez and Hector Moreno eventually regained their bearings after a quarter of an hour and closed space down at the back to calm matters.

Scolari’s men started strong after the second half kickoff. Thiago Silva headed in a set piece in the 47^th only to have the apparent goal disallowed for offside. Another barrage of shots followed although Hulk and Neymar could only watch their efforts go wide. Paulinho made an absolute mockery out of the Mexican defense in the 65^th. He ran nearly the entirely length of the pitch, dribbling past no fewer than five flailing tackles before finding the trailing Neymar on the left side of the 18. Neymar’s pulled a near post effort that Corona had to sprawl to save. Located in the exact same spot in the third minute of injury time, Neymar opted to fake the shot and cut back for Jo. The former Man City striker side footed in the second goal to complete a game in which El Tri produced absolutely nothing worth remembering.   

Japan vs. Italy

 vs. 

Impressive performance from Pirlo in his 100^th international Cap. Giacherreni and Balotelli look to be off and running as well. Nevertheless, Zaccheroni’s eleven will play better. No one knows how to vivisect the Wops like a Wop Manager.

THE LINE: Japan +1 Goal

Editor’s retroactive notes:

RESULT: Italy 4, Japan 3. Plenty of action in this one, even if two of the seven goals came courtesy of PKs. In a decidedly Dago chess match Zaccheroni rolled out a 4-4-1-1 with Honda in support of Maeda in the striking role. Prandelli countered with a 4-1-4-1 with Pirlo in soft support of Balotelli.

After an opening ten minutes during which these formations largely neutralized each other, Balotelli was the first to break through with a lobbing effort punched clear by Kawashima. Maeda was then able to carve out of space but produced an effort that hardly bothered the seasoned veteran Buffon. Kagawa laced in another effort to keep Buffon warm in the 17^th, the Juventus captain once again remaining calm to palm over.

Buffon looked significantly less cool-headed when Shiniji Okazaki intercepted a Mattia De Sciglio back pass in the 20^th and he made a desperate sliding challenge for the ball. The tackle appeared to constitute nothing more than a 50-50, but the ref awarded the Samurai based on the dangerous nature of the slide. Honda converted without any difficulty to put the Japs ahead.

Kagawa doubled the advantage in the 33^rd at the end of  an atrocious run of defensive play that saw the Azzuri fail to clear their lines thrice. The former Borussia Dortmund star made them pay by finally executing a clinical finish off the turn. It looked pretty damn bleak for Prandelli & Co. Down 2-0, just three minutes earlier the Italian trainer had burned an early substitution in order to switch tactics. He had taken off Aquilani and brought on Giovinco to serve up front with Balotelli in a reconstituted 4-4-2. Giovinco had been one of the men who failed to clear. Zaccheroni’s side continued to exert offensive pressure.

Just when it appeared the match may be slipping away from them, the Azzuri pulled one back four minutes prior to the halftime whistle. De Rossi powered home a Pirlo corner to make a game of it. With renewed confidence, Pirlo led the charge upfield. He directed two efforts on target before the stroke of halftime, suggesting that we’d all be in for a fight to the finish.

Five minutes after the restart it was all level. Two shockingly bad defensive errors at the back led the Samurai to concede a perfectly horrendous goal. Under pressure from Giacherreni, Japanese centre back Maya Yoshida failed to safely toe the ball out into touch. He foolishly attempted to control, allowing Giacherreni to keep it inside the touchline. The Sunderland winger gained possession and cut back for Balotelli. Fullback Atsuto Uchida sought a sliding intercept, but could only slide the ball into his own net. The amazing comeback was complete two minutes later when the Wops were given a ludicrously soft penalty.

Substitute Giovinco took a straight shot with a sprawling Makoto Hasebe defending. The effort intitally hit Hasebe’s inner thigh, taking a random bounce to play his hand. Fucking ridiculous. The Wops were gifted a totally unjustified spot kick without even having to flop. Balotelli stroked the PK home after with a slight stutterstep.

Still we weren’t finished. Kagawa, Honda, and Okazaki all poured forward in search of an equalizer. Twice they were able to set up Maeda, but the surprise starting striker could only send a pair of efforts wide. The pressure finally paid off in the form of a clumsy foul from the nervy De Scilglio. An Italian substitution allowed the Japs a chance to review a standard set piece they had no doubt been practicing on the training pitch. Endo supplied a flawless service to Okazaki to glance in from three yards out.

Buoyed by their 69^th minute equalizer, Zaccheroni’s eleven produced better offensive play down the stretch. Nevertheless, the clearly exhausted Shinji Kagawa couldn’t hold his line in the 86^th. He let Marchiso burst through onside, where the 68^th minute substitute met a splendid little through ball from De Rossi. Prandelli’s final substitution then crossed for his first (Giovinco) totally unmarked.

In spite of the late tally, the soon-to-be-eliminated Japs fought hard for the remaining seven minutes (including added time). Two minutes later Yoshida had one in the back of the net, but was ruled offside. Okazaki struck the post while Kagawa it the crossbar. Sometimes it just isn’t one’s day. When the final whistle blew no one wanted this one to come to an end.  

Thursday

Spain vs. Tahiti

 vs. 

What sort of cruel joke is this? The two-time defending European Champions and reigning World Champions against the coconut collectors? This one will be a massacre. It’s a whelk against a supernova. It doesn’t get much uglier than this.

THE LINE: Spain + 8 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:

RESULT: Spain 10, Tahiti 0. Believe it or not, enough Syndicate members considered this high line “daftly irresistible”…enough for your friendly bookie to complete a heavy oscillation from the red to the black. ; ) Danke schön, my imbecilic minions!

Torres netted the first goal in the 5^th minute with a crisp finish from a tight angle on the left. David Silva then initiated the massacre shortly after the half hour mark. David Villa skirted an imaginative little through ball for him. The Man City midfielder skillfully took two rolling touches before lashing it home. Silva demonstrated some innovative prowess himself two minutes later, setting up Torres with a long through ball. Spain’s #9 shook of the onrushing keeper with an artistic deke before poking the ball into the wide-open net. Torres nearly had his Hat Trick eight minutes later, but Nacho Monreal opted for the streaking David Villa with his cross instead. In any event, the rout was on as del Bosque’s men entered the tunnel with a 4-0 lead.

Monreal and Villa picked up exactly where they left of with a 49^th minute strike after the restart. This time the Arsenal FC crossed for the Spain’s returning Talisman much closer in and from the opposite flank. Torres got his Hat Trick four seven minutes later when Juan Mata slung him a cutback so immaculately placed that the Chelsea forward barely had to tap it in with the side of his foot. Santi Carzola then found Villa all alone onside with a long punt. Tahitian keeper Mickaël Roche ran forward to challenge, but ended up fluffling his lines. Villa had his own Hat Trick and Spin a 7-0 lead.

Even for lovers of sublime skill, this one then became difficult to watch. Mata slid one past the completely flustered keeper two minutes later. Absurdly enough, Torres botched a 76^th minute penalty effort after Aitamai was judged to have handled in the box. The last thing this match needed was more humiliation for the amateur coconut collectors at the hands of the reigning European and World Champions. Two minutes after hitting the crossbar, Torres atoned for his uncharacteristic miss with marvelous forty-yard run that culminated in a chic deke to sweep past the now completely demoralized keeper. There exists no idiom for a four-goal match, in large part because such a performance is virtually unheard of. Leaving the rhetorical challenge posed by this aside for a moment, how in the hell should one define the virtuosity that was duel Hat Tricks for Torres and Villa?

Hells Bells. Four goals for Torres. A Hat Trick for Villa. Why not throw in a brace for David Silva? The consistently brilliant Silva broke the FIFA record for the largest margin of victory in an international competition in the 89^th. Most of us had flicked off the tube by that point. Enjoying a perfectly seared Filet Mignon isn’t quite the same as watching the calve get slaughtered. 

Nigeria vs. Uruguay

 vs. 

Keshi’s squad failed to impress. Sorry to say so. Check the primer section if you wish to know how intimately acquainted I am with this reformed Nigerian 23. In spite of their lopsided victory, if they were a team that could generate decent movement, they would have won that match 11-0. Keshi’s kids will need at least one additional match to gel.

THE LINE: Pick em’

GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS

Editor’s retroactive notes:

RESULT: Uruguay 2, Nigeria 1. A bit of deliberate manipulation going on here as the bookie anticipated money would come in on the “fan favorite” Super Eagles. The gutsy underdogs very nearly pulled it off thanks to some spirited play from Musa and Mikel. Keshi deputized Musa as a full frontal striker to the left Ideye Brown and the high-flying Nnamdi Ouduamadi. Mikel technically occupied central midfield, but more often than not pushed forward as an anchoring striker.

Following a rather uneventful opening twenty minutes in which a goalkeeping error from Fernando Muslera constituted the only thing resembling a scoring chance, Forlan worked in a square cross for Edison Cavani. Initially we all thought Cavani flicked a sweet trick to back heel the ball toward Lugano, but replays confirmed that the Napoli star didn’t get a touch in. Lugano stroked in regardless and everything appeared to be going as planned for La Albicelesta.

Mikel threw a wrench into those plans 18 minutes later. The Stamford Bridge man received a useful ball from Ideye Brown just outside the semi-circle. He then proceeded to dance around Lugano in a manner that just made the initial goalscorer look silly. An emphatic finish that bulged the top left corner of the net leveled proceedings. The player most motivated by renewed Nigerian prospects was Musa. He contributed two quality shots on goal before the match adjourned for halftime.

Stalemate reigned almost uninterrupted throughout the second half with one notable exception in the 51^st. Suarez, Christian Rodriguez, and Forlan broke forward in a trident formation and made the most of their 3 on 2 advantage. Suarez dished to Cavani in the center. Cavini in turn threw it ahead of Forlan on the left. Suarez being Suarez, he screamed for the give-and-go before diving and appealing for a penalty. Fortunately for Uruguay, Forlan was preoccupied with preparing his approach. Oblivious to Suarez’s theatrics, he carefully stalked the ball before rocketing a first time finish into the top of the net. Very little else in this match. Neither side generated a shot on goal during the remaining 40-odd minutes.