FWM 2015--Group A Preview

Introduction—“A Canadian Cakewalk”

 

(Canada, China PR, New Zealand, the Netherlands)

          

Anyone at least tangentially following the build up to this tournament knows that the main issue being broached in the media concerns Canadian Synthetic turf. Blah.

This bookie never really considered that a matter of critical importance, nor did he ever take the threat of a player’s strike seriously. These girls are tough. Their knees can take a few 90-120 minutes on a plastic pitch. Such a non-issue shouldn’t seriously affect the quality of play. UEFA Champions League clubs play at least one match on one of Russia’s infamous ersatz phony fields each year and one honestly fails to notice.

What actually will give this competition a distinctly different feel from the 2011 Championship involves the expansion of the tournament from 16 teams to 24. That happens to interest your friendly bookie greatly. The women’s instantly has a more global feel to it as we pick up one more team from the respective qualifying regions of Africa, Latin America, and CONCACAF. Asia adds two more entrants while Europe adds three.

It’s easy enough to project that countries such as Thailand, Cameroon, and Costa Rica will serve as little other than doormats, but countries such as China, Switzerland (potentially even Ecuador and Cote d’Ivoire) boast decent prospects of making the newly inserted Knockout Round.  Such reasoning, of course, owes much to the fact that the number of groups doesn’t cleanly divide by four and we’ll thus be pulling four third-placers with us into the Round of 16.

Er…read through it all again and you’ll get it ; )

The only other tournament covered by the Syndicate to feature such seeding rules was the 2013 UEFA Women’s Euro—(FEM 2013. While that competition ultimately proved an entertaining chapter, your friendly bookie openly groused about the sluggish start turned in by virtually every squad during the first two rounds.

Twelve countries in three groups contested eight Quarterfinals places. As a result, teams took their sweet ass time finding fourth gear and we weren’t really treated to football of any memorable quality until the final group stage matches. Grumble, grumble, grumble ; (

One hopes against hope that we won’t witness something similar in the coming weeks, but groups such as this one provide an exemplary example of why certain teams will find no reason to take unnecessary offensive risks in their opening two fixtures. Only Canada and China need to firmly depress the gas pedal from the outset.

The Chinese cannot afford to slack off, given their underdog status. The Canadians owe it to their hometown audience. Additionally, they must secure first place in the group if they hope to avoid the Krauts in the Knockouts.

With all of this in mind, we’ll project that the Canadians dominate the “Cruise Control Teams” and grab the top spot with nine easy points. The Dutch and Kiwis should go through without devoting much care to who finishes second. Difficult to see the Chinese punching through, but not impossible. 

Canada—“The Canuck Chicks”

Few changes to report on this squad since the 2011 “debacle”. Should you think I’ve selected too strong a word for their previous performance, consider that they managed all of ONE paltry goal in three fixtures en route to finishing dead last.

Ugh. This team was downright painful to watch. Sinclair just couldn’t rally the troops. Zero forward momentum. Egregiously bad fits of ball watching. Clumsy challenges. Sloppy passing.  In short, everything that sends “football apologists” into convulsions, this team did.

Christ almighty they were bad! After the French pulverized them 4-0 in Round Two, this languid side played such a hopelessly boring game against the Nigerians in Dresden that they stadium itself said “Fuck it” and shut off all its own lights. No one wanted to watch this travesty.

So, what has transpired over the last four years? Quite the remarkable turnaround in point of fact. The Canucks hired former kiwi coach John Herdman and he’s compiled a most impressive record in both friendlies and tournaments. He’s accomplished all of this with minimal tinkering to the team’s corps.

Sinclair retains the armband. Tancredi, Wilkinson, Matheson, Moscato, Filligno, Kyle, Schmidt, and Zurrer all held on their spots in the starting eleven. The only major absence of note is “Quebecois Queen”, Christina Julien, who also kept her job but remained unavailable for this tournament due to injury.

Julien’s injury means Sinclair will likely be deployed all alone up front. That may prove quite fortuitous. She’s approaching peak form based on what this bookie has read. The same can be said of other veterans Diana Matheson and Desiree Scott.

Tancredi recent form should make her an ideal “joker” off the bench. Filligno and Kyle should be able to spark some forward momentum in midfield. The back of Wilkinson, Moscato, Gayle, and Zurrer are all solid veterans who won’t be caught ball watching again.  

Whatever this crew has been doing on the training pitch is obviously working. We won’t see a repeat of 2011. This independent oddsmaker proudly predicts a literal inverse.

 Projecting the Canadian Lineup (4-3-2-1) 

Christine Sinclair

Jonelle Filligno  Kaylyn Kyle

Sophie Schmidt

Diana Matheson  Desiree Scott

R. Wilkinson C. Moscato R. Gayle E. Zurrer

Erin McLeod

 The Talisman—Christine Sinclair 

She scored one of the 2011 World Cup’s most memorable goals. Yes, it happened to be Canada’s ONLY goal. So what? Her brilliantly booted free kick was a piece of pure technical mastery.

She’s now logged an unfathomable 222 Caps for her country in which she’s scored an insane total of 153 (!!) goals. She now enters her fourth Women’s WM with it all resting on her shoulders

How many female footballers have polished highlight reels on Youtube? Not many, gentlemen. She’s a legend.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8NUm7WgivQ

 Who’s That Canadian Girl? 

1) Kayln Kyle is one of our returning champions:

2) So is Jonelle Filligno

3) Please welcome Selena Iacchelli

 

China PR—“The Steel Roses”

Time to unravel the fortunes of the eleven of whom some would argue (translated from the original Mandarin) should be termed the “Forceful Roses”. Nah! We’re not going with “Forceful Roses”. Even “Google Translate” wouldn’t spit out something that bad.

As pertains to the overall outlook, I’ll project that an extremely young collection of domestic league players should be capable of engineering some entertaining spells of possession, produce at least two goals, earn at least one draw before finishing at the bottom of the group….er…“in bed”. Dammit! That one almost always works. 

Conveying cogent and relevant information about a “Syndicate Debutante” proves difficult for all of the usual reasons. Prior to today, I hadn’t really heard of nearly any of these players. I have vague recollections of freakishly tall keeper Wang Fei, who I presumably saw while scouting a Turbine Potsdam game. About all I recall about it is that she scrapes the sky at what appeared to be 6’8’’ or taller.

Lead striker Ma Yun plays in the South Korean Women’s League, which is supposed to be a highly competitive and super-charming association with good fan support and good quality football. To be honest with you, I’ve been meaning to check it out for some years.

A dearth of English websites carrying any information on this squad means there are so many basic stats this bookmaker can’t access. How many caps have most of these women logged for their country? Dunno. Who’s their leading scorer? You tell me. One wonders why in the hell this is.

The Chinese have always been a force in Women’s Football. They even hosted the inaugural FIFA Women’s World Cup in 1991. They hosted again in 2007. They’ve made the knockout rounds in all of the five tournaments that they’ve participated in, made the semis twice, and even played against the Americans in the 1999 Final.

They’re one of the most successful countries in the history of women’s football, yet few know much about them. What does this tell us about the women’s game? Well..to quote Louis van Gaal, “In what for is this world twisted?”. The game is a late addition to most people’s radars. It doesn’t get nearly the amount of respect that it merits. 2011 served as an enormous step in the right direction. 2015 will render that wave of interest soft by comparison. Mark my words!

The lineup projection is based on some Chinese character-based-websites that leave me with a slight headache. Oh well. An educated guess is better than none at all. We’ll find out more about these “Panda Power Pets” soon enough. Looking very much forward to meeting these ladies.

One stat that I was able to glean as pertains to the Dragonesses is their ages. They’re babies! Not one player on the roster is over the age of 26. Should “Team Tyro” manage to pull it together it will make for one helluva story. Stay tuned.

 Projecting the Chinese Lineup (4-4-2) 

Ma Jun  Yang Li

Ren Guixin   Gu Yasha

Han Peng   Li Ying

Li Dongna                  Liu Shanshan

Wu Haiyan Wang Shanshan

Wang Fei

The Talisman—

Can’t give you one. Sorry! Presumably it would be either lead striker Ma Jun or the defensive captain Wu Haiyan. I simply don’t know! We’ll most definitely find out. Back in 2011, your friendly bookie entered the tournament knowing jack and shit about the women from Equatorial Guinea. By the end of the proceedings he was arguably the world’s biggest Anonman fan. I’ll find my rose. Don’t you doubt it!

Who’s That Chinese Girl?

You’re more than welcome to take a look at the team photo courtesy of the official FIFA Website:

Right. Longtime Syndicate members know that this remains an issue very close to my heart. It also happens to be the primary reason why I’m not doing the 1 to 10 scales this year. I simply don't feel like it. In 2011 I declared that the entire North Korean women’s football team were ALL the most beautiful women in the world. Shady communist states take their international sporting events very seriously.

Such was the case in East Germany, where a whole generation of female athletes were forcibly doped up and essentially trained to compete as men. A museum commemorating this horrid chapter in international athletics exists in Berlin. Your friendly bookie visited it during his 2007-08 sojourn, emerging quite misty eyed at the cruelty perpetrated in the name of sport. Sad stuff.

A few of these players were cleared bred, trained, and possibly doped to compete as men. That wouldn’t in itself constitute a tragedy if they had some choice in the matter. Therefore, they are ALL gorgeous. Every last one of them.

New Zealand—“The ‘All Cunts’”

Okay. Enough of the deep/sentimental stuff. Let’s get back to puerile and crass humor ; ) Yes, I’ve dubbed this team the “All Cunts”. No, that has nothing to do with any particular player’s mercurial temperament or tendency to whine, bitch, or lash out unprovoked at anyone in the immediate vicinity.

New Zealand’s rugby team is known as the “All Blacks” while their male football side is referred to as “The All Whites”. This bookie counts himself a fan of both those squads and thought that the Kiwi women should continue the proud tradition. They initially earned their moniker back in 2011, when I decided that the “All-Vaginas” simply didn’t possess the same pop. 

I’ll gleefully tell you all about this team, who turned in one of the more enthralling performances back in 2011, despite not advancing. Sarah Gregorius and Amber Hearn spearhead the attack. I’ve had the pleasure of watching both of them play in the German women’s Bundesliga. Neither one could be described as a “boring, big target forward”.

Both will wow you with superb mobility, elegant touches, and outstanding finishing. A pair of U.S. college students, Hannah Wilkinson and Katie Bowen, bring similar skill sets. All except Bowen supplied us memorable tallies in the previous tournament. They return improved and set for more.

Captain Abbey Erceg is another Bundesliga veteran who anchors the defensive corps. She’s joined by natural centerback Ria Percival, who had been unnaturally deployed up front after injuries forced a reshuffling in the 2011 competition. The pair are said to have wonderful chemistry. Irrespective of what position she played, your friendly bookie fondly recalls Percival’s talent for distribution. She was a regular Schweine with those cutting through balls. Can’t wait to see her back in action!

Right fullback Anna Green doesn’t prowl the flanks with the same tenacity as the Angel we’re about to get to. She's still very technical on the ball and a real treat to watch. Trust me. That brings us to Ali Riley. Yes, yes. Your friendly bookie has a crush on her. You all know that. Nevertheless, I should inform you that my infatuation isn’t solely based on the fact that she’s an absolute stunner.

She’s also a magnificent “Roving Fullback”. She hustles all over the pitch like a lightning bolt. I’m fairly certain the girl must know how to teleport as she’s always finds a way to make it back to her position no matter how brutal the requisite physical exertion is. It’s incredible.

Keep an eye on her if you dare. You’ll see her racing to balls on the opposite flack, performing gorgeous sliding tackles up front, striding to save balls going out of touch, and pelting a few powerful efforts towards goal. She runs like a goddamned deer. She’s a fearsome little rover; a badass bitch in every sense of the word. One simply cannot help but root for someone who hustles with such imposing tenacity. That’s what football’s all about. ; )

We should of course note that Germans are conditioned to fall in love with a “Roving Fullback”. That’s how our beloved heroic former captain Phillip Lahm sculpted us. We love ourselves a little hustler who roams around the pitch to make things happen anywhere and everywhere he/she can. Which Football Fern will you fall in love with? There will be one. Believe you me.

Prepare to fall in love, gentlemen. The ferns dress up in white war makeup and play their hearts out. You’ll absolutely love watching this team! 

 Projecting the Football Fern Lineup (4-4-2) 

Amber Hearn  Sarah Gregorious

Katie Bowen       Rosie White

Kirsty Yallop Betsy Hasset

Ali Riley                             Anna Green

Abbey Erceg Ria Percival

Erin Nayler

 The Talisman—Abbey Erceg 

A tall and skilled centerback can dictate the flow of a match, set up the primary pattern of distribution, call the tempo of the other nine outfield players, and serve as the last stalwart last line of defense in the event of an emergency.

Sometimes a lanky centerback functions as the soul of an eleven’s overall performance. Don’t believe me? Ask Arsene Wegner. He’s perpetually concerned with “Zen and the Art of Mertesacker Maintenance”. Erceg is a fine choice to don the armband. How she leads will determine the Kiwi’s fate.

 Who’s That Lovely Fern? 

Oh Christ. How much time do we have?

1) How about Erin Nayler?

2) Don’t forget Anna Green.

3) Sarah Gregorious is still here too!

4) Rosie White never left this heart.

 

5) Katie Bowen is too cute for words. Go Tar Heels!

6) Hannah Wilkinson hasn’t aged a day!

 

7) Evie Millynn is a welcome new entrant.

8) Emma Kete is as hot as ever

 

9) …and let’s NEVER forget my favorite little hottie: Ali Riley. Keep up the great work, girl…and take your shirt off more often!

The Netherlands—“Clockwork Leeuwinnen”

I do believe we can all agree that the Dutch are a bunch of goofballs. ; ) Yes, they’re all a bunch of bumbling, stumbling, chinless accented fools with a dyslexic grasp of syntax ; ) Strap on your clown shoes, here come the ridiculously dopey, daffy, and dippy whack jobs from an obscenely small country that should have never been populated.

As our former loyal beer sponsor “Pißwasser Pils” so appropriately stated in their iconic advertisement, “FUCK THE DUTCH!”. Nothing but a bunch of imbecilic dunces. FUCK THE DUTCH!

Tongue firmly in cheek, gentlemen. Nevertheless, I must submit a compelling piece of evidence. Louis van Gaal evinces the notion that the Dutch simply cannot help but sound like blundering blockheads.

I can remember when this cat was butchering German as the head coach of Bayern München (and later as the Dutch trainer)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GifGsJBZ2Sc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKNxgjj5T8Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOhxREsHTig

Now he’s murdering the English language as ManU’s head coach.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7ON_epUqfE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flg17fN2Mho

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6jF6O2R3hU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvXy5VrU53c

God Bless Louis van Gaal…and Giovanni Trappatoni! They’ve both done such a spectacular jobs of re-inventing distinctive versions of my two “mother tongues”.

“What is this world twisted?”

“WAS ERLAUBT STRUNZ”?

Hehehe. Too much fun. Let’s settle down and discuss the “Dutch Dames”. The Syndicate’s introduction to the Brilliant Oranje’s chromosomal counterpart took place during FEM 2013. Though the Lionesses failed to register a single goal, Lieke Martens, Danielle van de Donk, Kristen van de Van, Sherida Spitse, and Dyane Bito quickly became subjects of your friendly bookie’s intrigue. Hoogendijk, Koster, and Slegers caught his eye too.

Given the amount of potential they had, it came as a surprise that the Leeuwinnen couldn’t pull out a victory in the final group draw against Iceland. Even more surprising, head coach Roger Reijners kept his job. I felt for sure that he would be joining Bert van Marwijk in the “Dutch Hall of Disgrace”.

Forecasting an outcome for this side isn’t easy. A late injury to newly anointed captain Claudia van der Heilegenberg throws a wrench into the projected lineup. This oddmaker is also unsure what to make of 18-year-old-phenom Vivianne Miedema. More on her below. Will she shine like Rooney and Messi did? Or is she another Walcott/Freddy Adu?

Answers are forthcoming.

 Projecting the Dutch Lineup (4-2-1-3) 

Manon Melis

Lieke Martens     Kirsten van de Ven

Danielle van de Donk

Sherida Spitse              Dyanne Bito

A. Hoogendijk M. v.d. Berg

Loes Geurts

 The Talisman—Vivienne Miedema 

The Phenom. The “X-Factor”. The young upstart with everything to prove. Can a promising young spark start a fire? That’s something we’ll all be looking forward to discovering. We all remember Rooney’s breakthrough in Euro 2004.

We all recall Messi’s dazzling work off the bench in the 2006 World Cup. How can one forget Neymar’s sparkling debut in the 2013 Confederations Cup? Okay….maybe I’m the only one who recalls those. Regardless, there’s a really great story brewing here. Either way, this will be cool to observe.

 Who’s That Dutch Dame? 

1) You’ve already met Lieke Martens, Danielle van de Donk, and Leonne Stentler. Care to meet Annouk Hoogendijk?

 

2) What about Dyanne Bito?

3) Don’t forget our new girl! Vivienne Miedema looks damn good in that FC Bayern Trikot.

Vicey’s Fearless Group Prediction (3 to 1 Odds for bookie)

1) Canada 

2) Netherlands 

3) New Zealand 

4) China PR 

Overall Championship Odds

 Canada (Straight Up)

 Netherlands  (3 to 1)

 New Zealand (4 to 1)

 China PR (12 to 1)

Round of 16 Odds

 Canada (Straight Up)

 Netherlands (Straight Up)

 New Zealand (Straight up)

 China PR (3 to 1)

Quarterfinal Odds

 Canada (Straight Up)

 Netherlands (Straight Up)

 New Zealand (Straight Up)

 China PR (4 to 1)

Semifinal Odds

 Canada (Straight Up)

 Netherlands (Straight Up)

 New Zealand (Straight Up)

 China PR (5 to 1)