Ke Atako Syndicate Members,
Your friendly “Mzungu” bookie
here with an announcement of highly salient political and societal import.
Prepare yourselves for a presentation of linguistic and intellectual legerdemain
that will permanently elevate humanity’s combined cerebral consciousness to
heights previously thought unattainable.
Our Global Scholarly Discourse shall never be the same following the publication of this statement. An historic “game-changing” proclamation awaits. Ready brothers? Minded? Framed? Set? Rigged? Hyped? Psyched? Good…I shall now proceed.
Our Global Scholarly Discourse shall never be the same following the publication of this statement. An historic “game-changing” proclamation awaits. Ready brothers? Minded? Framed? Set? Rigged? Hyped? Psyched? Good…I shall now proceed.
Ahem…
* clears throat *
* takes a sip of water *
* cracks knuckles *
Look…are we really ready for
this or not?
That’s what I thought!
* dramatic hand movements *
* ultra-mentum-focused
jawbone positioning *
* fierce eye-contact *
Behold…
“Click…Click…..BANG!!”
One more time!
“Click…Click…..BANG!!”
Hell’s to the yes. Gentlemen
of the Syndicate, I give you South African football play-by-play announcer
Sizwe Mabena. Here’s some of his finer work:
Where has this gem been in
all our years of watching football together? Why have we been listening to
likes of John Motson and Martin Tyler reticently remarking “1-nil” when we could
have been treated to the broadcasting equivalent of “Bring me my Machine Gun”?
Even the seizure-inducing Japanese announcers can’t top the literal seizure
that is Sizwe. He could make the MLS All-Star Game entertaining. I want this genius
to call every mundane and monotonous task that occupies me as I pass through
this sad Veil of Tears known as “life.” I want him commentating on Dishwashing, Staff Meetings, Ironing, and Vacuuming. I want him filling the meaningless void of hours I spend on hold with Health and Car Insurance Companies. I want him to inject vibrant commentary into every last suicidally-boring conversation, power-point presentation, and panel discussion I’ve ever had to sit through! I also want to er…”Shoot the Boer”. Not entirely sure why I want to that. Another matter entirely ; )
Sizwe’s talent is by no means
limited to one amazing catchphrase with conspicuously loose ties to the
Apartheid Resistance. He is a marvelously eloquent fellow who weaves his way
through a match with an unrivaled elegant flow. He’s a hidden master of English
Diction and Prose! Wow! Such a pleasure
to meet “Bwana Mabena”. My gratitude to Syndicate Members 1-F, 18-M, and 128-M
for doing the legwork and sending me some samples. Asante Sana, mates Football
viewing will never be the same ; )
The Quarters, while
captivating, didn’t exactly deliver a truly spectacular fixture in the same way
the 2013 and 2015 Knockouts did. We’re still waiting for the encounter that we’ll
remember offhand after the festivities conclude. The 2015 Quarters gave us that
epic six-goal “Congolese Derby”. In 2013 we knew that South Africa vs. Mali and
Nigeria vs. Cote d’Ivoire were instant classics.
Cautious play from all eight
teams involved this year. Only the Burkinabés left everything on the field. We’re
in need of “One for the Ages”. Your friendly bookie senses one coming this
Round. Accordingly, we’re once again going to skip over the “Mailbag” he’s been
sparingly and painfully working on in favor of the enticing football.
Syndicate Member 160-M earns “Riff
of the Day” honors.
Reader: MZUNGU!!
Vicey: Mzungu wenyewe, you purist prick!
; )
Here are my updated stats:
Spread: 13-15
Straight Up: 13-8-7
Goodbyes
Section
8th
Place—Tunisia
Knew I couldn’t trust this
team. It was always something. A wretched inability to deliver quality crosses.
Failure to establish proper midfield rhythm. Cynical flailing simulation from
players like Youseef Msakni, Naim Sliti, Aymen Abdennour, and Ferjani Sassi.
Though the free-kick gifted to Bancé that ultimately ended up killing this team
wasn’t exactly fair, neither was the routinely shifty play from Hamdi Nagguez,
the deplorably cheap cahllenges from Yacoubi, or the unforgiveable attempts at
the “clever Wop-Flop” from Wahib Khazri!
Poetic justice was served. Take a closer look at Nagguez’s insanely flagrant shirt tug on Issoufou Dayo if you’re not convinced! Kharma comes home.
Poetic justice was served. Take a closer look at Nagguez’s insanely flagrant shirt tug on Issoufou Dayo if you’re not convinced! Kharma comes home.
We bid farewell to the
“Carthage Cats” for the fifth time in Syndicate History. In both WM Years they
never made it past the Group Stage. In both AFCONs, they were eliminated in the
Quarters. Plenty of sympathy was in order for them after a poor-officiated
elimination back in 2015. No such empathy is deserved this time. This was a bad
team that played bad football.
Khazri looked gassed
throughout the entire competition. Msakni seems to have lost quite a bit.
Akaichi and Sliti were….somewhat difficult to phrase…they were “nowhere”.
That’s all I can say.
Qualification for 2018 shouldn’t
prove too hard. Kasperczak, likely to be retained, has an unwritten obligation
to present us with a squad capable of playing more attractive and honorable
football.
7th
Place—Morocco
By all means it should have
worked. Mendyl and Dirar did their job. Your friendly bookie found himself
thoroughly impressed with Roman Saiss’s performance as a defensive midfield
“flight director”. He really worked well with Manuel da Costa in terms of
short-passing, though their partnership felt like a misbegotten attempt by
Herve Renard to beat the Egyptians at their own game. It was a well-selected
lineup that made perfect sense…except for the inclusion of Youssef En-Nesyri of
course. What? A Nineteen-year-old kid as your lead striker? Even this bookie
wasn’t that confident.
Fajr and Bouhaddouz came oh
so close. El Kaddouri did excellent in relief. A truly satisfying “team effort”
doesn’t ordinarily end with a spot in the “Farewell Section”. So goes football.
It seemed so obvious that Bouhaddouz and El-Arabi would picklock the Egyptian
Defense readily and quickly. That’s why we play the matches, gentlemen. ; )
The Atlas Lions will surely
return next Summer, based on their current qualifying position. Keep a watchful
eye on Mendyl, Alioui Bouhaddouz, and…yes….En-Nesyri. Loads of young talent on
this team ; )
6th
Place—Congo DR
Plenty of scrap from our
beloved Leopards. They played with rapacious pride, even as the Ghanaians
resorted to professional time-wasting tactics down the stretch. Another
spirited effort from Kabananga—a name we surely haven’t heard the last of. Had
Dieumerci Mbokani not made a hash of that 6th minute chance we’d be
discussing a different result.
In point of fact, Ibenge’s athletic and entertaining lads generated far more noteworthy chances than the side that ultimately defeated them. Kabananga might have had put them up 3-nil had it not been for some heavy touches he booted to far forward on his unnatural left side. Oh well. Thanks for the memories, mates!
In point of fact, Ibenge’s athletic and entertaining lads generated far more noteworthy chances than the side that ultimately defeated them. Kabananga might have had put them up 3-nil had it not been for some heavy touches he booted to far forward on his unnatural left side. Oh well. Thanks for the memories, mates!
Once must concede that the
penalty awarded to Andre Ayew in the 78th was total nonsense. Atsu
sold his simulation well. Lomilisa barely touched him. Nevertheless, the V-Club
fullback did commit an egregious foul twenty minutes prior. FC Ingolstadt’s
Marcel Tisserand was guilty of a nasty slider as well. Overall, the penalty was
earned even if the call was off.
The fun continues for fans of
the Premiership/Championship. Maghoma, Mbemba, Kebano, and Mulumbu all play for
Championship Clubs very much alive in the promotion hunt. Mbokani suits up
every week for relegation-embattled Hull City. One has to delve a little deeper
to find Jeremy Bokila and Gabriel Zakuani, but their organizations scale the
ranks as well. This Football Hound will be keeping close tabs on all of them.
Ibenge deserved to take this
team to the semis, just as his domestic predecessor did two years ago. One
wants to see him retained as the DRC continue to cruise toward their first
World Cup Qualification next year. Meanwhile, your friendly bookie resolves to
watch at least one TP Mazembe match before 2017 is out. The Congolese, after
South Africa, have one of the continent’s best domestic leagues. Can’t wait to
give it a look
5th
Place—Senegal
Ach…so close!! Wouldn’t want
to be in Sadio Mané’s turbulently maelstromming head at the moment. It’s a long
flight back to Anfield and even a surfeit of Business Class Cocktails won’t abet
his attempts to put that horribly soft penalty behind him. Ouch! The emergent
favorites exit despite a brilliant run and hard-fought last-minute efforts from
Keita Balde, Idrissa Gana Gueye, Kouyate, and Moussa Sow. I honestly thought
they had it in the last second of normal time. How the hell did that effort end
up in the side netting?!?
The Terrangans progressed
further in this tournament than they had in over a decade. Oh how one wishes to
declare their prolonged dormant period over. Regrettably, the long latent Lions
are currently fighting for their very lives in a tough 2018 Qualifying Group
that also features South Africa, Burkina Faso, and Cape Verde. Now
31-years-of-age Moussa Sow shows signs of slowing down considerably. Diouf’s
best days are likely behind him as well. A core group of players—notably Cheikou
Kouyate, Idrissa Gana Gueye, kara Mbodj and Henri Saviet—have either reached
their peak or just passed it.
Mané will continue to
flourish and Keita Balde Diao is an excellent long-term prospect. The obstacles
this team has to overcome over the next eighteen months will simply prove too
daunting. I’ve no clue when we’ll see these proud Lions again.
Depressing stuff. Time for a
stiff drink and commiserate phone call to Syndicate Member 103-M. ; ( ; (
Football can really break one’s
heart at times. “Thems the breaks”. ; (
Wednesday,
February 1st
Burkina
Faso vs. Egypt
vs. 
Should prove entertaining,
though it’s hard to envision the Egyptians taking many risks. A confident start
from the Burkinabés is needed to get us up and running. A genuinely spectacular
Knockout-Phase Game still eludes us. Hope to get one here.
Your friendly bookie could
once again lament the tendency of the Pharaohs to “win ugly”, but the defensive
effort they’ve put forth does deserve some written appreciation. Elmohamady
still knows how to captain a compact defense. His clearance off the line in the
60th minute of Sunday’s match showed discipline, concentration, and
class. Fathy has been solid as well. He can defend any position, whether it be
defensive midfield or securer-of-the-flanks. Say what one will about the
misfortunes of struck crossbars, barely mistimed headers, or bizarre bounces on
poorly-kept pitches: This Egyptian team is yet to concede ONE solitary goal.
The system, however, remains
easy enough to discern. Someone has to figure out how to hack it before this
competition draws to a close. Hafez, Hegazy, and Gabr will not stray. Hamed and
Said essentially function as defenders too. Mohsen doesn’t even want the ball.
Mahmoud Hassan ball-watches like a chump. Hecter Cuper does not possess real
offensive weapons at his disposal. He possesses literally nothing if Mohsen
can’t get it together in time. The loss of El-Nenny wasn’t really apparent against
Morocco as Fathy did a fantastic job filling in. Asking him to replicate that
feat asks too much.
The former undisputed “Kings
of Africa” may yet dream of reaching their first Final in seven years as they
face a battered and beleaguered opponent. Should they stick to their
suffocating defensive system, they might yet squeeze out the Burkinabés and
“win ugly” once again.
The Stallions have their fair
share of problems. Injuries continue to plague the hard-luck Etalons. Making
matters worse, four of Paulo Duarte’s remaining key players enter the match on
yellow-cautions. The manager must select his squad with the final in mind.
Irrespective of whatever “one-match at a time” dictums he’ll offer in
reassurance, the Stallions stand an excellent chance of capturing the
Continental Crown should they advance beyond this match. Countries posing the
greatest tactical threat have conveniently been eliminated. Participants in the
other semi-final may emerge exhausted what may be a 120-minute marathon.
The pharaohs will deploy
their usual conservative approach in an attempt to frustrate and tire out
Razack and Bertrand Kabore. Expect a slow-temp physical match full of moments
where vexation invariably leads to clumsy challenges. It’s simply too risky to
start Yacouba Coluibaly or Prejuce Nakoulma. Putting Bancé up front in a more
traditional 4-4-2 remains an option. The fans would love it. This bookie
nevertheless sees that as an early gamble unlikely to yield early results.
Here’s how your friendly
bookie sees it shaking out:
Alain and Bertrand Traoré
move into striker positions. Not inconceivable. Bertrand has been doing it all
year for Ajax. Alain used to excel in the role for Lorient. Duarte wasn’t
afraid to deploy Diawara alone up front against the Gabonese. I wouldn’t at all
be surprised to see him lead a 4-5-1 this time, but his inability to make
well-timed cuts were quite noticeable. He’ll do better in a pocket role behind
the two vets.
Abdou Razack Traoré has been
mostly been paired with captain Kabore over the course of this tournament. The
two were practically joined at the hip throughout the group phase. The
Portuguese trainer boldly experimented with placing A.B.R. ahead of the Captain
in the Tunisian match, and the separation worked. The young, hitherto unknown
Blati Touré proved an apt counterpart. Who will partner with A.B.R.? Why not
Cyrille Bayala? The young forward worked the flanks well in the 2014 African
Nation’s Championship—a separate Continental Championship for African Youth
Squads.
Patrick Malo switches to left
back to cover for the endangered Yacouba Coulibaly…and we’ve got ourselves a
lineup specifically designed to take this match AND the Final!
Yes sir. Nakoulma, Bancé, and
Y. Coulibaly off the bench in the event that the Burkinabés need a late push.
They may not even need one. I’ve witnessed tremendous hard work from the young
players on this squad. Bayala in particular demonstrated an athletic prowess
indicate of an impending “breakthrough moment”.
Let’s do it, 1-X-M…the only
one still following me after those wonk-slang-laden paragraphs.
; )
Projected Lineups:
“The Stallions”—(4-4-2)
Alain Traoré Bertrand Traoré
|
Banou Diawara
|
Cyrille Bayala A.B.R.
Traoré
|
Blaiti Touré Charles Kaboré
|
P. Malo B. Koné I. Dayo S.
Yaago
|
Kouakou Koffi
|
“The Pharaohs”—(4-5-1)
Mohammed Salah
|
Mahmoud Hassan Abdallah Said
|
Tarek Hamed
|
Ibrahim Salah Ahmed
Fathy
|
M.A. Shafy A. Hegazy
A Gabr. A. Elmohamady
|
Essam El-Haday
|
THE LINE: Burkina Faso +1 Goal
Prop Bets (as always, feel
free to offer your own)
Over/Under—3 Goals
120 Minutes—2 to 1
Penalty Shootout—3 to 1
Thursday,
February 2nd
Cameroon
vs. Ghana
vs. 
Two great coaches square off
in a fairly even fixture to be decided by whom makes the right moves at the
right time. Intriguing on many levels. Not easy to pick a winner. Expect no
fewer than 2,345 “sideline shots” of Avram Grant and Hugo Broos intently
surveying the field. The prevailing side will enter the Final as favorites.
Broos floored us all with a completely
unconventional 4-2-3-1 that featured neither Clinton N’Jie nor Vincent Aboubakar.
He placed a great deal of faith in Robert Tambe and Karl Ekampi, two unknwons
with a mere twenty caps and one National Team Goal between them. Staples
Aboubakar and Mandjeck didn’t even enter the match until the 102nd
minute. Truly some courageous moves from a coach presiding over one of the
youngest teams in the competition. Way to throw down the gauntlet!
Encountering a lineup so
drastically removed from his forecast, your friendly bookie initially saw the
ten changes as an indication that “Les Indomitables” weren’t playing for the
win. How wrong he was! While no player could be said to have turned in a
standout performance, the boys defended as a compact collective, wearing down
their worthy adversaries with steady tacking from Adolphe Teikeu and Michael
Ngadeu-Ngadjui.
By contrast, the attack
sputtered throughout most of the 120. Bassogog and Moukandjo spend most of the
match hamstrung by Aliou Cisse’s rigid 4-5-1. Siani and Fai were similarly
precluded from asserting themselves much on the right. Zoua produced his
customary one quality chance, but spent most of the match in obscurity.
Before falsely assuming that
the Cameroonians have a low-octane-offense, one must take into account that
Aboubakar and N’Jie remain firebrand talents. Slotting Siani back on the left
and starting Mandjeck means they’ll once again find themselves on the receiving
end of well-paced balls from Moukanjdo & Co.
The team we saw on Saturday
constituted a deviation from the eleven that Broos is putting together for the
title run. This bookie projects a return to a more aggressive approach come
Thursday.
Avram Grant picked a serviceable
eleven on Sunday, once again proving that the Israeli Legend knows full well what
he’s doing. The Ayew brothers were given a clearly delineated lane whilst
Acquah and Atsu were charged with drawing coverage to give them enough space.
One never felt the absence of Asamoah Gyan. Wakaso and Partey were dually
deputized to fill his role; a part the two Spain-based midfielders played quite
well. The “Gold Coast Playas” have now advanced to their sixth semi-finals in
as many tournaments. They’ve accomplished this historic feat absent their
talismanic fullback and experienced captain. Kudos.
With Gyan returning, betting
against this team looks a scary proposition. They remain vulnerable enough to
be beaten, however. Especially along the left flank. As predicted, Atsu’s form dropped
considerably. This bookie also Acheampong napping and playing catch up on a few
occasions. For all of his sagacious skill, Grant hasn’t managed the minutes of
his star players all that convincingly.
Fatigue has to catch up with
players like Amartey and Boye eventually. Should the Indompitables be able to
deploy their First String attack, opportunities to pierce the back line will
abound.
Don’t expect it to happen
right away, but the Lions will find a way through.
Projected Lineups:
“The Indomitable Lions”—(4-2-3-1)
Vincent Aboubakar
|
Benjamin Moukandjo
|
Clinton N’Jie Christian Bassogog
|
Sebastien Siani Georges Mandjeck
|
A.
Oyongo
M.Ngadeu-Ngadjui A. Teikeu C. Fai
|
Fabrice Ondoa
|
“The Black Stars”—(4-3-3)
Jordan Ayew Asamoah Gyan
|
Andre Ayew
|
Christian
Atsu Wakaso Mubarak
|
F. Acheampong H. Afful
|
John Boye Daniel Amartey
|
Brimah Razak
|
THE LINE: Cameroon +1 Goal.
Prop Bets (as always, feel
free to offer your own)
Over/Under—3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—Straight Up
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS.
