It’s Killi Time syndicate members.
That line comes from a Swahili advertisement. Given that this is our second tournament in two years to take place in a predominantly German country, I’ve run out of ways to greet you. Took a pounding in the latter half of last round. The Stats reflect as much:
My updated Stats:
Spread: 13-11
Straight up: 15-7-2
Quite a tournament we have going for us, football fans!
High-scoring matches, improbable comebacks, and inspired last-minute efforts.
If you missed the Brilliant Orange lighting up the French, the sublime skill of
those pesky Turks, or the outrageous trash-talk-fest that was Germany-Austria,
here's your reminder to re-live everything on ESPN-360, where you can find all
the games, archived in their entirety.
Moving right along, there are SEVEN goodbyes to be made.
Before getting to the lines, an irreverent farewell to those whose European
Dream has gone the way of South Korean beef imports:
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Ugh.
Insofar as I recall, I was trying to allude to the Korean protests of the USDA
Mad Cow Ruling. The joke was of course lost on everyone…including “future Vice”
Switzerland
Out with a bang that only partially made up for the opening whimper. "Ach, Gunther. Our bizarre little microstate hast failed again. I must take solace in the "Shrine of Account #68943534"
Czech Republic
Ouch. Who would have thought Petr Cech would fuck up so royally? Much love for all those miserable Slavs out there, drowning their sorrows in vats of Pilsner-Urquell. Until 2010 boys!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Ouch.
It had only been recently that I learned Pilsner-Urquell was a Czech beer.
Thought for sure that a “Pils” had to be German.
Poland Seriously, Polska. We have to stop meeting this way. I'm rapidly running out of jokes with which to assail your pathetic nation of perpetual failure. No more Kaczynski or WWII puns left in my arsenal. Ideas anyone? Who wants a $15 betting credit?
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
No one
wants a betting credit! I envy Bill Simmons for a whole confluence of reasons,
the original wit of his readers being the most frustrating. I’d be happy to
take your script, give you full credit for it, and admiringly declare, “Yup,
these are my readers.” Everyone reading these books seem confident they can do
better. But why don’t you try?
Austria
"So long, farewell, aufwiedersehen, goodbye!" Nice going, von Trapp Family Morons. You should have known better than to provoke the Germans. Starting an absurd press war and claiming the Germans were "afraid" of you. Note to Hickersberger: YOU'RE RANKED 92nd IN THE WORLD! Things just don't look good. Go ahead and ease the pain by locking your daughters in the basement for 25 years and having 4-6 children with her.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
The
man’s name was Josef Fritzl and he actually only kept his daughter imprisoned
for 24 years and only had three children with her. Sorry about that, Fritz.
Twenty-four years and three children is just fine. I unfairly made you out to
be a gruesome villain through my exaggerations.
FranceFire Raymond Domenech. No more joi d’vivre left in this team. He hasn’t a hint of a glimmer of a fleeting notion of a fucking clue what he’s doing. He calls up players who have already announced their retirement, he picks lineups based on astrological signs, and he’s thoroughly incapable of handling the burgeoning crisis among his puerile players. Abandon ship! Debouler!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
If
only they had listened. L
Sweden
That’s all she wrote for Larsson, Alexandersson, Hansson, Andersson, Allbäck, and Ljunberg. Cleats up for the core of the team. With so many retiring players, this may very well be the last time I’m forced to write about the Swedes for the foreseeable future..knock on wood. Just in time as I’ve run out of things to say. You people are as pointless as an Igmar Bergman film. There we are. I’m officially out of references.
Romania While the Swedish must endure the humiliation of being trounced by the Russians, the Romanians are left to wonder how different matters might have been had Mutu made that penalty. Actually, a more salient point to be made concerns the loss to the Dutch reserves. Sorry, Transylvanians. Group of death or no you blew it. See you in two years time.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Another
team that has completely fallen of the map. We did not see them in 2010 and
will not see them this summer. After a string of impressive performance in the
late nineties, they’ve crashed harder than a Dacia 1100 on a dirt road.
Recently they’ve hired back coach Victor Piturca for his third stint. Honestly
like to se them back soon. I’m in no danger of running out of “Castlevania”
Lines.
Thursday
Portugal vs. Deutschland
vs. 
Nightmares. Joachim Löw has been suspended for this match. That means he’ll be sitting next to Merkel in stands while the on-the-fly adjustments are carried out under the command of…Oliver Bierhof? Nightmares. Clemens Fritz and Mario Gomez in the starting eleven. Nightmares. The return of well rested Nuno Gomez, Deco, Christiano Ronaldo, Simao, and Petit. Nightmares. Honestly I don’t see how we get past this team. However, since I've exploited so much Wop pride in this tournament, I should at least give you guys the chance to take advantage of my soft spot. Get those pincer attacks in!
Feel free to also wager on whether Löw or Merkel will be
wearing uglier scarf.
Projected Lineups:
“The Navigators”
1) Ricardo
2) Paulo Ferreira
3) Ricardo Carvalho
4) Pepe
5) Jose Bosingwa
6) Joao Moutinho
7) Petit
8) Deco
9) Simao
10) Christiano Ronaldo
11) Nuno Gomez
“Die Mannschaft”
1) Jens Lehman
2) Arne Friedrich
3) Phillip Lahm
4) Per Mertesacker
5) Christoph Metzelder
6) Clemens Fritz
7) Michael Ballack
8) Torsten Frings
9) Mario Gomez
10) Lucas Podolski
11) Miroslav Klose
Prop Bets (As always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— straight up
Penalty Shootout— straight up
Klose brace—2 to 1
Klose Hat Trick – 3 to 1
Ballack brace---2 to 1
Podolski brace –2 to 1
Gomez brace—3 to 1
Schweinsteiger start –2 to 1
Neuville substitution (80+) –2 to 1
Odonkor substitution (80+) –2 to 1
Hitzlsberger start –3 to 1
C. Ronaldo brace –straight up
C. Ronaldo Hat Trick –2 to 1
Deco brace --3 to 1
Simao brace –2 to 1
Nuno Gomez brace—straight up
Quaresma start
– 2 to 1
Postiga substitution (70+) –2 to 1
Fernando Meira start – 3 to 1
Hugo Almeida start --
2 to 1
THE
LINE: Deutschland +1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Germany 3, Portugal 2. In an ironic twist, the Portuguese lineup was picked
perfectly while I failed to come anywhere near to forecasting the German
starting eleven. Löw had told Schweinsteiger that he owed a “debt” to his
fellow countrymen following his red card against Croatia. He apparently also
told him he would start as a means of ameliorating it. Joining Schweinsteiger
in midfield were Rolfes in place of Frings and Hitzlsberger in place of Fritz.
Gomez was left off with the striking tandem of Klose-Podolski once again
reunited.
Schweine
was on fire throughout. Lahm and Ballack worked a nice through ball for
Podolski in the 22nd. Podolski opted to go wide on the left flank
while Schweine trailed onside. The center was an inviting low ball that
Schweine hustled to catch up to and finished with a slide. Four minutes later
looped in a free kick for Klose to head in. 2-0 thanks in large part to his
tremendous play. The persistent Navigators threw anything they could on net.
Moments after missing just wide, Ronaldo managed to get a re-direction from
Lehman and it was Nuno Gomez with the rebound in the 40th. An
all-out Navigator blitz concluded the half with Ronaldo once again shaving the
woodwork seconds before halftime.
Schweine
assisted on the final German goal as well, again with a lovely taken free kick
this time for Ballack. Scolari sent on Nani and Postiga to spark the offense
while Hans Dieter Flick (not Oliver Bierhof) padded the defensive ranks with
Fritz and Jansen. It was a nail-biting finish after Postiga headed in a Nani
cross in the 87th. A disciplined Mannschaft kept their shape for
another eight minutes and it was time for a celebratory Hefeweizen…the only
alcohol consumed by the bookie throughout the entire campaign. J
Friday
Croatia vs. Turkey
vs. 
How could I have doubted you, dearest Turks? This is your year! With the Greeks gone, you now have an important responsibility, as "the ugliest team the tournament" Don't let me down!
One wonders if we’re in store for another fantastic
finish. The Turks get two of their injured defenders back to play adjacent to a
possessed Hamit Altintop. Nihat and Tuncay have us all asking Emre WHO? The
crescent Stars don’t need their captain. They make do. “You have to believe!”
Can they win without suspended goalkeeper Voltan Demirel? “You have to
believe!” Well, considering backup Rüstü Recber has 116 Caps and led the Turks
to the 2002 Semifinals, it’s not that much of a leap of faith. What about the suspended charismatic
midfielder Mehmet Aurelio? “You have to believe!” What about the injured Mehmet
Topal. Enough of your cheap skepticism. “You have to believe!”
Projected Lineups:
“The Crescent Stars”
1) Rüstü Recber
2) Hamit Altintop
3) Gökhan Zan
4) Emre Asik
5) Hakan Bata
6) Tuncay Sanli
7) Arda Turan
8) Semih Sentürk
9) Colin Kazim Richards
10) Ayhan Akman
11) Nihat Kahveci
“The Blazers”
1) Stipe Pletikosa
2) Dario Simic
3) Daniel Pranjic
4) Robert Kovac
5) Josip Simunic
6) Luka Modric
7) Niko Kovac
8) Ivan Rakitic
9) Ivan Klasnic
10) Niko Kranjar
11) Ivica Ollic
Prop Bets (As always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under ---2 Goals
120 Minutes— straight up
Penalty Shootout— straight up
Nihat brace—3 to 1
Nihat Hat Trick – 4 to 1
Altintop brace –4 to 1
Arda Turan brace – 2 to 1
Gökhan Zan substitution (65+)---2 to 1
Emre Aski substitution (75+) –2 to 1
Klasnic brace –2 to 1
Ollic brace –3 to 1
Kranjar brace – 3 to 1
Lek substitution (85+) straight up
Srna substitution (90+) 2 to 1
Buda substitution (90+) straight up
THE
LINE: Turkey +1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Turkey 2, Croatia 1. (3:1 PSO) I sincerely doubt we’ll witness something like
this again. One hundred and twenty minutes. Two goals. One coming in the 120th,
with the equalizer following in the 123rd. After beating away solid
efforts from Kranjcar, Ollic and Klasnic for 119 minutes, Rüstü understandably
had a lapse in concentration, giving away a rebound to Modric. Modric flipped
for Klasnic, who headed in what was sure to be the game winner.
The
celebration was deemed excessive and thus the Italian referee judged he would
allow a few more seconds tick to away after the announced two minutes of injury
time. As he glanced at his watch, lips on the whistle, right hand in the air he
elected to tolerate one last effort from a rushing Semih Sentürk who had just
stepped inside the box. Sentürk let fly and, thanks to the slightest of
deflections of Robert Kovak, beat Slipe Pletikosa in the far post. It is
EXTREMELY rare to hear the final whistle blow right as the ball strikes the
back of the net.
Croat
Coach Slaven Billic went apeshit. All across the university gym where I was
watching, corn-fed American doofuses dropped their weights and remarked,
“Wow..that was pretty cool dude.”
I, literally a nanosecond away from losing a great deal of money for my
sympathetic Turkish leanings, dropped to my knees and communed with Jesus and
the Angels like that five year old during his emergency appendectomy. A
shoot-out win counts as a one-goal victory. The tenacious Turkmen, Rüstü
Recber, and I saw the quickest reversal of fortunes ever. Never again will life
turn around so fast.
Arda,
Sentürk, and Altintop all converted their penalties. Rüstü saved Modric,
Rakatic, and Petric. The weights stayed down all throughout the University of
Missouri workout lair and even the roided-up guys watched the shootout
intently. That’s international football, gentlemen. Most of those guys likely
couldn’t have found these two countries on a map. Nevertheless, they remained enraptured for ten grunt-free
minutes.
“You
have to believe!”
Saturday
Netherlands vs. Russia
vs. 
WEEEKEND! Man, I need a day off. During this one I refuse to lift a finger. With any luck it’ll be so absorbing that I won’t be tempted. Ordinarily the Dutch reserves would make Slav Soup out of these pretenders, but the Ruskies are on a tear. One wonders if it’s wise to rest the A-Team after advancement is secured.
Pavlychencko is finally one fire. Before the tournament Gus
Hiddink referred to him “a sleeping giant”. Most of us readily dismissed the
moniker as patently absurd, given that he’s twenty-six already years old.
That’s one long fucking sleep for a footballer. Roman has managed to make us
all look like fools, blooming later than any other player in recent memory.
He’s got a great supporting cast in the Sergei Semak, Andrei Arashavin, and
Yuri Zhirkov. We’ve not even seen what the youngsters Ivan Saenko and Oleg
Ivanov can do.
At the end of the day,
the return of Sneijder and Kuyt should make issue academic. After
picking a sorry lineup two years ago in an elimination match, Marco van Basten
should give serious thought to starting Robben and van Persie. Don’t let you
fellow Dutchman outmaneuver you! Make the right decisions and the Orange will
prevail.
Projected Lineups:
“The BRILLIANT Orange”
1) Edwin van der Saar
2) Giovani van Bronckhorst
3) Andre Ooijer
4) Jorgis Mathijsen
5) Khalid Boularouz
6) Johnny Heitinga
7) Nigel de Jong
8) Arjen Robben
9) Robin van Persie
10) Dirk Kuyt
11) Rud van Nistelroy
“The Russian Selection”
(YES, the Ruskies are too lame to come up with a decent
nickname)
1) Igor Akinfeev
2) Alexander Anyukov
3) Sergei Ingashevich
4) Denis Kolodin
5) Yuri Zhirkov
6) Sergei Semak
7) Konstantin Zyryanov
8) Igor Semshov
9) Diniyar Biyalendinov
10) Andrei Arshavin
11) Roman Pavlyuchenko
Prop Bets (As always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— straight up
Penalty Shootout— 2 to 1
Van Nistelroy brace—2 to 1
Van Nistelroy Hat Trick – 3 to 1
Van Persie brace –3 to 1
Sneijder start – straight up
Van der Vaart start – straight up
Bouma substitution (85+) –2 to 1
De cler substitution (70+) –2 to 1
Boularhouz substitution (70+) –3 to 1
Pavlychencko brace – 2 to 1
Arshavin brace -- straight up
Saenko substitution (60+) -- 3 to 1
Wemak substitution (90+) – 2 to 1
THE
LINE: Netherlands +1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Russia 3, Netherlands 1. (120 a.e.t.) Van Basten again picked a shitty lineup.
No van Persie. No Robben, though he had a groin injury. No Heitinga. Engelhaar.
Always a shitty idea. What was this rube thinking? All of this notwithstanding,
I had the right intuition, but the wrong cognitive syllogizing. Wasn’t that a
Dr. John song?
“I
must had the right intuition, but it must have been the wrong cognitive
syllogizing.”
Yeah.
Anyway, Arshavin owned the first half, fleet footed after serving a two game
suspension at the onset of the tournament. He set the tone for the second half
with a bullet of a free kick that van der Saar had to dive for. Captain Sergei
Semak fed off the momentum, sweeping past two defenders to deliver a sweet
little cross to Pavlychecko for the 56th minute opener. The Ruskies
were in control for the next half hour, van Nistelroy’s header of a Wesley
Sneijder cross in the 86th coming as a counter-flow surprise.
As is
often the case with a goal scored in defiance of the match tenor, it was
nothing more than a stalling tactic. Substitutes van Persie and Heitinga were
powerless to counter the tide. Pavlychencko and Arashavin nearly combined two
more times in extra time. Arshavin found substitute Dimitri Torbinski in the
112th instead, allowing Hiddink to sub out Pavlychenko and put in the timid
Sychev to protect the lead. It mattered not. Arshavin would sweep past two defenders
and score his own goal one minute after Pavlychecnko’s standing ovation. Well
done, Ruskies. Oh I’m so looking forward to seeing you this Summer.
Sunday
Spain vs. Italy
vs. 
Destiny before dynasty. No more, Wops. The Spanish deserve this. Through indomitable performances and a reserve squad audition they’ve perfected a squad to finally break the curse. Gattusso and Pirlo are suspended. La Roja will switch up Iniesta over to his preferred side, incorporate the recovered Puyol, and stand ready with Fabregas/Güiza/Xavi Alonso should any problems arise.
Not to say that it won’t be a hard fought match. You’re
simply going to lose. As tight as play might be, Torres or Villa will be on the
end of a frozen rope cross at some point. You shall not overcome.
Projected Lineups:
“The Azzuri”
1) Gianluigi Buffon
2) Gianluca Zambrotta
3) Gianluca Pannucci
4) Fabio Grosso
5) Giorgio Chelini
6) Massimo Ambrosini
7) Mauro Cameronesi
8) Simone Perotta
9) Antonio Di Natale
10) Luca Toni
11) Antonio Cassano
“La Roja”
1) Iker Casillas
2) Sergio Ramos
3) Juanito
4) Carlos Puyol
5) Joan Capdevilla
6) David Silva
7) Marcos Senna
8) Andres Iniesta
9) Xavi
10) David Villa
11) Fernando Torres
Prop Bets (As always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under ---2 Goals
120 Minutes— straight up
Penalty Shootout— straight up
David Villa brace—straight up
Fernando Torres brace – straight up
Capdevilla goal –2 to 1
De la Red substitution (75+) – 2 to 1
Fabregas substitution (90+) – 2 to 1
Xavi Alonso substitution (85+) –3 to 1
Toni brace –4 to 1
De Rossi goal –3 to 1
Del Piero substitution (70+) – straight up
Ambrosini substitution (65+) 3 to 1
Camronesi substitution (70+) -- 3 to 1
Aquilani substitution (55+) – 2 to 1
THE
LINE: Spain +1 Goal
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Spain 1, Italy 0. (4:2 PSO) The Spanish did their level best to choke, but fate
wouldn’t allow it. After maintaining possession for 120 minutes, outshooting
the Wops 3 to 1, and pointing towards King Juan Carlos every time they came
close we closed 120 minutes with everything pointing towards a victory except a
decisive goal. The Spanish upper hand was partly a result of Italian
exhaustion, partly the fault of Donadoni for starting Aquilani in place of
Cameronesi. Senna, Iniesta, Xavi, and Torres all had their chances. Aragones
wisely brought on Fabregas and Cazorola to freshen things up. They proved
invaluable in the shootout to come. Buffon saved Güiza, but Casillas pawed away
De Rossi and Di Natale. The result was fairer than a blond patch of pubic hair.
Justice was served.
