(A very poor attempt to alphabetize a yodel),
What a tournament we’ve got, football fans. THREE last second victories in ONE round! I’ve never seen anything like this. It’s been a most enthralling round, except of course for that German high-speed ICE train wreck L I had the misfortune of witnessing the debacle of a Mizzou Rec-Center treadmill, racking up over ten miles to show some solidarity with the "Jungs". Unfortunately, I fell off the treadmill twice. Once after Ballack failed to convert. It happened once again after the COMPLETE defensive breakdown that was that second Croatian goal. By the end of the match I was drenched in sweat, wild-eyed, pumping my fist, and shouting German obscenities at the top of my lungs at everyone from David Odonkor to Joachim Löw. One silver lining concerns a couple of attractive chicks on the neighboring treadmills who thought this spectacle was somewhat interesting. Of course it went nowhere, but not because I cancelled to focus on my proofs. Alright….that’s what happened. Look, one has to have priorities.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Pardon
me if this sounds entirely too clichéd. WHAT THE HEMORRAGING FUCK WAS WRONG
WITH THIS KID?!?! Oh…he makes me want to vomit Santorum style. Feeling dizzy
over here. The horror. The horror. “One has to have priorities”?!? Yes, Vicey.
Prioritize your pre-work for some useless Graduate Program. Nothing’s more
important than getting an “A+++” for a bunch of mediocre professors too
preoccupied with their own petty pursuits to even come close to giving a shit
about you or your grades. Priorities, motherfucker. Wracking my brains for some
sort of explanation, the only one I can fathom is that the Vicey of 2006 felt
he had some catching up to do. If you’ve been following me throughout all of these
years, congratulations…you do not exist LL
Let’s rock some stats:
My updated Stats:
Spread: 12-4
Straight up: 13-1-2
Only one goodbye as we head into Round 3. Can you believe
it? Fifteen teams remain in contention!
Greece
"Stink-opolis!" Horrible performance from defending champion "Team of the Uni-brows". With two years to go before the next major international competition, I suggest you guys invest in some laser hair removal. What's up with that shit? Someone fail to tell the Greeks that the new-and-improved upright-walking human race should have TWO eyebrows. A more accurate "300" would have featured a horrendously ugly Phalanx of warriors. Thank you for allowing me to insult you using shallow terminology. I’ve been waiting four years for this.
Let’s rock some…er….“remaining fifteen team rankings”
1) Netherlands 
Brilliant Orange. Clockwork Orange. Orange Crush. William of
Orange. The Orange Theme. Oranges and Lemons. Orange Juice. Orange Jews. Have I
forgotten something? All I originally intended to convey is that the team kicks
ass. Never in the history of the European Finals has a team gotten off to such
a magnificent start.
2) Spain 
Guaranteed knockout round place.
“Viva la Villa.” After I purchase a Spanish Cottage in the country, I’ll write
that sentence again. Mark my words.
3) Portugal 
England's failure to qualify means Eric Wynalda and Marcel
Balboa have been, thankfully, relegated to making imbecile comments on their
own living room sofa. In their place, ESPN has brought in many British Legends
to cover Euro 2008, including one of my personal favorites, former Glasgow
Rangers star Andy Gray. My one major complaint about the coverage is the
inclusion of Julie Vagina..or whatever the fuck her name is.
I know
Women's Soccer is a sport too. I know both my countries have recently won the
Women's World Cup and that makes me smile...a little. Still, she seems to have
little to contribute by means of analysis. Her only redeeming comment thus far
came after watching Dirk Kuyt get kicked in the groin. "I can't say
anything about that," she rightfully observed. Beyond that, all she does
is tout the virtues. I'm fucking of hearing about how great Christiano Ronaldo
is. We all get it. We’ll see him and this ferocious team in the quarters after
a brief Swiss holiday.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
I
would later learn that the inclusion of British announcers had nothing to do
with England’s failure to qualify. ESPN simply made the intelligent aesthetic
decision to move away from American announcers after hearing things like “He
shoots, he scores” from Dave O’Brien and “Oh man that’s gotta be a PK!” from
Marcel Balboa. Not to mention the two of them could never manage an
intelligible conversation when discussing subjective challenges.
Dave:
Does that look like a foul to you?
Marcel:
I don’t know, what do you think?
Dave:
Well, he did slide in “studs up”.
Marcel:
Yeah. Studs hurt.
Dave:
He came in a little early, or perhaps a little late?
Marcel:
Yeah, sometimes when you try to tackle the ball you can come in a little too
early or too late.
Dave:
….right….and you can’t do that can you?
Marcel:
No, you can’t do that.
Dave:
Not good to do that.
Marcel:
No, not good. When you do that then the referee has to do something.
Dave:
Yes, and it looks like the ref has done something.
Marcel:
Yes he has.
Dave:
Yes he has.
Such
trenchant analysis. Though we’ll never know whether or not it was a fair
challenge, we’ve been imparted enlightening and essential insider knowledge
such as “studs hurt”. Yeah, someone has to do something about that. Yeah. Such
was life before Ian Darke and John Harkes. Anyone up for putting a bullet
through their brains? For all my inappropriate banter directed at Julie
Vag…er…Fougherty, I actually always thought she was a very skilled color
commentator. She’s especially sharp when discussing catfights.
4) Croatia 
You sneaky bastards. That’s our top spot! Keep it warm for
us, Slavs. Alright I’m over it. Can’t win em all. One cannot let the loss of a
little money get one down. I’ve found solace in the recent exchange between me
and my 67-year-old black stepfather George. I called to offer my condolences
after he lost a hefty sum on the Belmont Stakes. Always remember, IT COULD BE
WORSE:
Peter: Hey George, sorry to hear about your horse.
George: Well, Peterman. At my age, you just have to accept
that the horse don't stand up no more.
Peter: (!) uh.....George I was talking about "Big
Brown".
George: .....(long sigh) So was I Peterman, so was I.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
“Big
Brown” was one of many horses over the past forty some odd years to win the
first two legs of the Triple Crown Challenge before fading in the third. Man do
we ever need a horse that can do something more than get euthanized on the
track. I can’t take any more of these horse movies clogging up the basic cable
circuits. “Secretariat”, “Seabiscuit”, on and on. Over and over. Where’s the
movie about the undefeated greyhound dog? Hell, I’ll take a cockfighting movie
at this point. “Alfonse: Lord Rooster of French Settlement”. Someone get me
Hollywood. No, not Pixar. I want a live-action drama!
5) Romania 
Nicely done, EU Brethren. Looks like you’ll be headed out of
the Group of Death. Forward we march toward a regionally integrated…hold on;
I’m being fed some updated news. The Irish did WHAT now? Fuck me. Looks like I
have another “goodbyes” section to write:
Research Career
Tsk, tsk. Had
the Irish qualified, would the Lisbon Treaty have been rejected? If the nation
that has probably benefited the most from European economic integration is
prepared to nix the new Constitution, there is some SERIOUS doubt whether
Europe will ever get on track. Well there goes my idea for a thesis. Perhaps
I’ll buy a farm. Keep some sheep.
6) Deutschland 
Keep it together, Vicey. Everything is going to be all
right. Rather than dwell on the possibility that we might not make it out of
the Group Stages again, seek an irreverent distraction. My favorite mistakes
made by the Close-Captioning-Guy during the Germany-Croatia Match are as
follows:
Bastian Schweinsteiger (Germany)= SWINE TIGER
Ivan Klasnic (Croatia)= CLASH NICKS
Niko Kranjar (Croatia)= CRINGE JAR
Igor Budin (Croatia)= BOUDIN
“Swine Tiger” sounds like a great “Top Gun” name. “C’mon
Goose. It’s Swine Tiger. Talk to me, brother!”
7) Turkey 
Ah, my Turkish brothers and the SERIOUS bank that they made
me. Suckers! It takes a German to appreciate the labour class. All you haters
can kiss my ass! I'm using the proceeds to have a Döner Kebab fed-exed straight
from Berlin.
8) Russia 
What the pusillanimous fuck was Nikopoladis thinking? The
Russians suddenly have new life thanks to one very dumb Greek. They’re alive.
Alive I tell you! Unlike that ring of frozen Cosmonauts orbiting the planet,
THESE RUSSIANS LIVE.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
I
should emphasize that there is absolutely no evidence that the Soviets sent
human guinea pigs outside the orbiting Soyuz capsule. Furthermore, if they had
they would not have been Russian. Only Uzbeks or Kazaks would have been deemed
expendable
9) Czech Republic 
It’s beginning to look a lot like 2006. A spellbinding
opener followed by two decisive defeats and an early exit. Czech and mate. You
like that one? Yeah…only 5,992,991,998 people thought up that one before I did.
I’m number 5,992,991,999!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Ah…it
seems like only four years ago that global population had recently topped six
billion.
10) Sweden 
Looks like you were on the receiving end of a “Spanish
Suckerpunch”. Fwahahahahaha. And I’m not finished yet! You got stung by a
“Barcelona Bumblebee”. Fwahahahaha. And I’m STILL not done…..alright…I’m done.
I promise.
11) Italy 
Doesn’t look as if you’ll make the quarterfinals unless you
beat the Mighty French. Hmmm…to rephrase, see you guys in the quarterfinals.
12) Poland 
Dammit. I can’t believe I have to ask you this. Are you
TRYING to blow it? There hasn’t been a Polish reality series this bad since
“Survivor: Auschwitz”. Every goddamned year you play to lose. I can’t watch
this anymore! It’s worse than those “Christian Children’s Fund” commercials.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
The
contemporary equivalent of the Christian Children Funds commercials would be
either the full-page “Hair Lip Ads” in the Grey Lady or those Sara McLaughlin
SPCA Commercials. Why are you doing this to me? Can’t I just relax for a few
minutes without being reminded of how broke and useless I am?
13) France 
Technically, they’ve still got an outside chance…in much the
same way that a solider standing directly in front of the door of the
amphibious transport on D-Day had an outside chance. The door comes down on
Tuesday and you’re dead before anyone even moves. I’ll still root for you….in
much the same way I root for the guy in “Saving Private Ryan” not to be
immediately shot in the head before the door finishes coming down. Somewhere
around my 386th viewing of that movie I’ll come to terms with the
fact that he’s going to get shot every time.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Yikes.
The front lines during the invasion of Normandy. How did they select that first
wave? “You guys go ahead. We’re right behind you now. Never mind that we’ve got
all the equipment to establish the beachhead. We’ll catch up to you. Go ahead
now.”
14) Austria 
Coming in dead last for the second week in a row, it’s the
hosts. LL
They’ve switched places with the Swiss, who now occupy the very bottom. It’s
about as significant as Louisiana and Mississippi shuffling between 49th
and 50th in citizens above the poverty line.
15) Switzerland 
It’s the “Mississippi of Europe”. A fetid backwater of hicks
and inbreds. Man do I ever like the sound of that. To be fair to Mississippi,
at least they gave us some decent writers and Blues music.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
I made
a huge mistake here and I can’t help kicking and flagellating myself for my
error. The Swiss had actually already been eliminated at the time I wrote this.
They should have been included in the “Goodbyes” section. What? Oh you
thought…..
FINALLY, Let’s rock some lines
Sunday
Switzerland vs. Portugal
vs.
vs.
The Portuguese have already clinched, so Christiano Ronaldo,
Deco, Simao, Nuno Gomez, Petit, Pepe, Bosingwa, look let’s just say the ENTIRE
starting lineup will be taking a tour of Basel’s historic Roman ruins whilst
the Swiss try to salvage some pride. Can the Swiss give their fans something to
cheer about against the Portuguese reserves? I say yes.
THE LINE: Switzerland +1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Switzerland 2, Portugal 0. Congratulations to Hakan Yakan, who netted a brace
in Köbi’s meaningless final match. You’ll likely never meet anyone who watched
this one. Not with the “Tenacious Turks” playing simultaneously.
Turkey vs. Czech Republic
vs.
vs.
Since both teams have identical goal-scoring records, this
happens to one of those rare group games that will end in a shootout should the
two teams draw. Fresh of their thrilling last-minute victory over the Swiss,
the Turks will get Emre Güngör back, but still be without Gorkahn Zahn and Emre
Bezöglu. Man, am I going to have a ball spellchecking this one.
Koller or Barros? Does it even matter? After the Portuguese
shellacking it’ll probably be Koller again. The Turks are short, injured, and
disorganized. Regrettably, this is the end of the line for my cherished
falafel- munching friends. Think differently?
THE LINE: Czech Republic +1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Turkey 3, Czech Republic 2. I don’t even care about the money. What an amazing
match! 2-0 down with fifteen minutes to go, the Crescent Stars embarked on one
of the greatest comebacks the game has ever seen. Andy Gray’s “You have to
believe” remark could have been the Al Michaels “Do you believe in miracles”,
had ESPN actually stumped for his flight to Basel. All commentary in this
tournament consisted of broadcasters sitting in front of a television watching
the international feed. ESPN had hired the right guys, but wouldn’t pay for
them to leave Bristol.
His
place in the starting eleven in serious jeopardy, Jan Koller did his beast of
burden impression. His diligence was finally rewarded in the 34th,
when Grygera finally supplied the perfect cross and Koller the perfect finish.
Plaisil doubled the lead in the 62nd with a sliding finish off a
Sionko cross. When Jan Polak hit the crossbar a few minutes later, it felt
inevitable that the Czechs would soon score a third goal to put a bow on the
proceedings. Hamit Altintop had other plans. He crossed for the last-minute
goalscorer against Switzerland, Arda Turan, in the 75th. “Andy Gray
muttered the unforgettable words. “You have to believe”.
“You
have to believe”. The Czechs fought hard to close it out. Kadlec and Ujafalusi
played keep away at the back, claiming the lion’s share of possession. Plaisil
and Koller once again worked their way forward, not so much in the interest of
generating chances, but keeping the ball pinned down by the right corner flag.
“You have to believe”. Altintop eventually managed another cross in the 87th.
Cech went out to meet it and, jaw droopingly, couldn’t hang on after the ball
hit him directly in the chest. A lurking Nihat Kavechi scooped it up and got
off a weak poke before any of the Czech defenders could reach him. It was just
enough. “You have to believe”. Two minutes later it was again Altintop to
Nihat. Barely threading his way past two defenders, he had to generate some
sort of effort before he was dispossessed. Again, the he could manage was a
light prod. The feather-floater found it’s way past the goal line via the
underside of the crossbar.
“You
have to believe.”
Monday
Deutschland vs. Austria
vs.
vs.
Now what? I shall tell you what. We dump Marcell Jansen and
Clemens Fritz. Schweinsteiger’s suspension means it shall be Arne Friedrich and
Thomas Hitzlsberger. Not entirely sure how much longer we should stick with
“Super” Mario. He reminds me so much of Kuranyi four years ago that I’m
convinced we need to return to the 2006 scheme.
Congratulations to 38-year-old Austrian Striker Ivica
Vastic, who won a lifetime supply of beer for scoring for co-hosts Austria. No
joke. Savor the flavor, you Edelweiss sniffers, cause Monday's match will be
over before you can say "Anschluss, baby". The Fatherland will
recover and make it into the next round.....just in time to get crushed by the
Portuguese LL
See you in Wien!
THE LINE: Deutschland +2 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Germany 1, Austria 0. Whew. Money lost. Heartbreak averted. Löw did dump Jansen
for Friedrich, but left Fritz and Gomez in place. We just didn’t have the
strikers. The best chance of the first half when Klose set up Gomez
brilliantly, yet the Spaniard couldn’t time his touch. Not only was the game
scoreless at the half, both coaches had been sent off by Spanish referee Juan
Carlos Jimenez for arguing with his fourth official. Passage was by no means
secured.
Thankfully,
the Mannschaft pulled ahead four minutes after the restart. Lahm drew a foul
and Ballack absolutely crushed a free kick from 30 yards out. The remainder of
the match was easily forgettable. We were through. By our fingernails we had
made it
Croatia vs. Poland
vs. Trust the Polish pattern. In 2002 and again in 2006 the Poles have been deplorable before getting their act together for a third and final inconsequential group match. C’mon you fucking [barber] Poles. I cannot withstand another abject failure from you. One may liken it to rooting for the kid in class that stutters. C’mon, dude. You can do it. Just get it out. I believe in YOU!
THE LINE: Poland +1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Croatia 1, Poland 0. Even Vicey’s elocution lessons couldn’t fix the King’s
speech. They “p-p-p-p-p-played sh-sh-sh-sh-shitty”. Didn’t watch this one. The
honor belonged to Ivan “CLASH NICKS”
Tuesday
Netherlands vs. Romania
vs.
vs.
Will the Dutch reserves help prolong the Azzuri-agony? My
money says no. Looking for a draw here as well as in the Wop match.
THE LINE: Pick em’
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Netherlands 2, Romania 0. For all those convinced that a verbose asshole such
as myself is thoroughly incapable of brevity, study this three-sentence write
up closely. There’s running out of gas, running out of time, and even the
conclusion of the loquacious soul that “less is more”.
The
lucky reserves on this day were Klaus Jan-Huntelaar and Robin van Persie.
Another great game from Robben. Van Persie turned some sick tricks on the touch
line, keeping the ball away from a Romania side that might have managed two
minutes of possession.
France vs. Italy
vs.
vs. How low can we go? We’re going to limbo all the way down to a Pick. Bookie bets on a draw.
THE LINE: Pick em’
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Italy 2, France 0. In addition to losing a great deal of money on this day, I
also received some genuinely spiteful hate mail conveying something to effect
of “Vicey, why can’t you always tamper it down to three sentences?” Look, no
one forces you to read anything but the lines. I happen to enjoy writing. I
write my friends twelve page e-mails. I write my coworkers mini-magnum
opi. I write fifty page papers…for
other people I don’t know..…for under $10,000 a year. You’re simply going have
to accept that I mirror the Geoffrey Rush character in “Quills”. Were I to find
myself naked and in shackles at the bottom of some sordid dungeon, I would use
my own feces to write on the walls. Let that visual swirls around for a while.
The
white-clad Azzuri resorted to their usual bag of tricks with a Toni flop in the
24th. Pirlo converted the ensuing penalty, for which Eric Abidal was
cruelly expelled. Domenech’s latest attempt at finding some sort of cohesion placed
Henry and Benzema together up front. The pair managed a whole lot of nothing.
Henry continued to display his alarmingly bad form, either directing shots well
over the goal or directly at Buffon. His defensive skills were also called into
question after he knocked in a Daniel De Rossi free kick in the 62nd.
He was finished. We all knew it. Barça had gotten a raw deal.
Wednesday
Greece vs. Spain
vs.
vs.
What can one say? The Spanish are on holiday, but their
reserves are hungry. I’m curious to see how Xavi Alonso and Juanito have been
holding up. The unjustly neglected Pepe Reina should also get a start. Aragones
has also indicated that the all-too-coolly named Central Midfielder “Rueben de
la Red” will get a look. He’ll be anxious to prove that he’s more than just a
guy with a cool porn name.
THE LINE: Spain+1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Spain 2, Greece 1. Pornstar exemplar de la Red came through with a blistering
effort in the 61st to tie the match. Within a few weeks he would
suffer a heart attack that would cut short his career. The other Spanish goal
belonged to David Güiza, who made the 2009 Confed Cup team before being dropped
permanently. Nice that these guys had their day in the sun against a Greek team
desperate to pay some sort of homage to their 2004 exploits. Charisteas scored
the opening goal. Two cats we rarely heard from again took care of the rest.
Russia vs. Sweden
vs.
vs.
Never again will I wager on a team with Pavlyuchenko in the
lineup! This guy couldn’t finish in front of a screen of Korean porn. I'm
through backing the damn Russians. Go back to your sad little Moscow field
where the grass NEVER grows. The Swedes are better, even without Ibrihimovic.
It’s sad to let
you go. It’s sad to see the Swedes advance. As with most matters involving
Russia, it’s just plain sad.
THE LINE: Sweden +1 Goal
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Russia 2, Sweden 0. So ended a very weak end to the second half of Round Three.
A connoisseur or two might note that this was the final tournament during which
I provided neatly segmented rounds with lines for all the teams. I had been
toying with the notion of sending out more irregular lines, but found it
difficult to deviate from the precepts of orderly schedules. Everything had to
be cleaved up in a formal and methodical fashion. Tank jobs like this (three
bad losses out of four) eventually convinced me that I would be better off
pacing myself. It only took eight years.
Pavlychencko
and Arashavin earned Premiership contracts with an inspired performance. Anykov
found Pavlychencko for a splendid first time finish in the 24th on a
play that began with Arshavin deking-out half of the Swedish midfield. Arshavin
himself would make a smart run to link up with Zhirkov’s cross in the 50th.
Within six months, Arshavin would be an Arsenal Star. The other North London
squad, Spurs, would snatch up Palychencko by September.
For
the “nth” time, these international tournaments are can’t miss affairs. True,
the players aren't as familiar with one another as they are with their club
teams in Champions League. Nevertheless, it’s not lost on them that they’re
playing for millions. Ask these two. They gave everything.
