Thursday, April 26, 2012

WM 2002--Round Two

WM 2002

Hi Everyone,

What an incredible weekend! The Senegalese shocked the world. We witnessed the greatest German massacre of Bedouin people since Rommel.

My Argentines are off to a solid start and the Paraguayans/South Africans gave us our first four-goal game.

Here are my odds-making stats:

Spread: 3-3-2
Straight up: 4-1-3

Want your money back? We’ve only just begun!

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Yeah…in hindsight the Rommel gloat was in slightly poor taste.


Croatia vs. Mexico


I’m so confident in the Mexicans, Ill wager my low-rider complete with custom clown horn. Eastern Europe has yet to prove to me that they are capable of producing anything other than peculiar odors. I’ve had to sit in classes with these Croats. I swear the stench was so bad I had to spend two hours recuperating on the Rhine. Ahh..the gentle breeze of Heidelberg. J

THE LINE: Mexico+1 Goal

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Mexico 1, Croatia 0. This match was sooooo bloody boring I went out for a late-night drive in my sporty ’93 Blood Red Toyota Celica GT Convertible Coupe. Ahh…youth. Such carefree days. Oh well. At least now I have a ‘87 Rustmobile and a shitty job. Ever have the feeling that you should be marching in another direction, soldier?

Brazil vs. Turkey


No one should even think about missing the debut of the Samba Kings, the most exciting team in practically any tournament. Sorry my Turkish brothers, but you’re outmatched in this one. Keep your eye on Ronaldo. He’s the best player in the world right now. I say he grabs a brace.

THE LINE: Brazil +2 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Brazil 2, Turkey 1. Another boring game decided by a penalty shot. At this juncture I started to worry that the game was not so beautiful after all.

Italy vs. Ecuador


The wops debut against some soft competition, making this a fine tune up fight for the Azurri. On a completely tangential note, why do the Italians wear blue? That’s not even a color in their flag! They should have pizza-colored uniforms.

THE LINE: Italy +2 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Italy 2, Ecuador 0. I would later learn that the Italians wear blue in honor of the House of Savioa, the ruling royal family from 1861 to 1946. The tricolor flag was only adopted after unification. I also later learned that “flop” rhymes with “wop” and “the floppin wops” were born. Clever play my ass. L


China PR vs. Costa Rica


Our first chance to observe our new overlords! This should be more fun than watching “Throwing Cake at Tied up Fat Guy”. I’m tremendously excited to witness a sea of bitter Red Chinese youths stewing in the Japanese stands and chanting in unison. Though all my Chinese friends are multilingual, educated, and open-minded…except when it comes to Taiwan, Tibet, and the Japanese. A comfortable win over this tiny Central American Nation should go a long way toward helping you loosen up a bit.

THE LINE: China +2 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Costa Rica 2, China 0. Yeeeouch. This was not the first time a young global policy student overestimated China and it certainly won’t be the last. Tips to everyone mesmerized by the GDP figures:

1) They are slightly inflated.

2) You still have over 600,000,000 people living in abject poverty.

3) They’re still buying U.S. Currency reserves and Treasury Certificates. SDRs won’t be coming along anytime soon.

Can we all just relax? Of course they’ll eventually outpace everyone to become the ultimate HPAE. By that time they’ll also have a labor movement, more Americans studying there than Chinese here, and their own fresh set of problems. We don’t need a fucking Sputnik moment….we just need some more international exchange contracts. 

Japan vs. Belgium


Asian Day continues and the co-hosts make their debut! I anticipate they’ll burst on the scene Ryu style, belting out “Shoryuken!!” and distributing roundhouse kicks to all who dare cross them. Bushido time, my Blue Samurai!

THE LINE: Japan +2 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Japan 2, Belgium 2. “Asian day” slowly descended into an oriental nightmare. I had envisaged the uninterrupted percussion of positive stereotypes. I would begin the evening learning that would was a mystical haven within which all of my idiosyncratic deficiencies would ultimately be forgiven by the stunning girl I was assured of winning by virtue of the fact that I was the most important person in the world and everything revolved around me.  After I was done beating Final Fantasy X, it was off to down some leftover Sushi and intricately calculate my winnings using precision arithmetic and formulate some new lines using more complex mathematics.

My victory celebration would culminate with a celebratory shot of sake, a brief trip to one of the Internet’s best hentai sites, and some bouncy time with my Cibo Mato CD. Disconsolately I was forced to spend an entire night feeling as if I was stuck behind an Asian driver. As of yet no two games have come anywhere close to this fiduciary calamity. The Japs came out looking more sluggish than LSU Students at a 7:30 Biochem a.m. Lab. Like any Asian you’ve attempted to follow to the next party, they sped up for bit, only to slow to an agonizing crawl that left you far too much time to contemplate what exactly it was that you were doing and indeed what was the point of it all? Nothing compares to the feeling of aspiring to depress someone else’s gas pedal L 

South Korea vs. Poland


The Asian Tigers round out our “Yella Fella Extravaganza!” The co-hosts shall dispatch this feeble excuse of a European country with all the fervor of a Kamikaze on steroids. Die, Poland, Die! 

THE LINE: South Korea +2 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: South Korea 2, Poland 0. Perhaps “Asian Day” wasn’t such a disaster after all. I won some of my change back with an audaciously high line and became the first heterosexual man to utilize the phrase “Yella Fella Extravaganza”. For those extraordinarily clever people who feel tempted to point out that “Kamikaze” pertains to Japan, I refer all of you back to some worthwhile texts. “Kamikaze” was originally a Korean word for “Divine Wind”, coined in reference to the sinking of a Japanese conquering fleet via Typhoon back in the 3rd Century. Anything else? Class dismissed.


Russia vs. Tunisia


Karma has furnished the Russians with the fortune of having a weaker nation to beat up on. I cannot think of any historical precedent in which the Russians were so lucky J With the Tunisians without a chance, I believe I’ll use this space to convey some more reasons why I like this Putin cat.

1) His German is very good. I watched him address the German Bundestag on Phönix. His German may be better than mine.

2) In a certain light he reminds me of Captain Jean Luc Picard of Star Trek TNG. Don’t see it? Have a few drinks and focus on all of his facial features from the eyes upward.

3) Yelstin was a drunk with an enormous purple face. He was essentially the Ted Kennedy of Eurasia. He abandoned high-level meetings when he heard the bells of the ice cream truck. He stopped to conduct street orchestras with the zeal of a kid at Disneyland. He claimed in a 60 minutes interview that Russia was as influential as the United States based on how good-looking Anna Kournakouva is. Isn’t it fabulous that the End of the Cold War may now truly commence? Finally there are two respectable leaders in charge of the two superpowers! Hey…wait a second. Make that one. Putin seems to be cool, calm, and calculating. Bush looks like the retarded son of a Rhesus Monkey L

THE LINE: Russia +2 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Russia 2, Tunisia 0. The bets were won. What was lost? Fuck…everything. How silly one feels reading all of this, more than ever in light of the recent Russian organized uprising. The Reds aren’t prepared to accept this charade anymore. I employ such a word to illustrate what we were captivated by all this time: a charade. Putin carefully orchestrated this façade, tolerating only Potempkin opposition parties, and subtly and intentionally burgeoning his image. It was only through the continuity of this machination that we all saw the light. Push Medvedev aside after years of a thinly veiled public relations campaign. Putin doesn’t understand the Internet. By his own admonition he never uses it. He once proclaimed it “60 percent pornography”. As true as this might be, underestimate the power of the masses at your own peril.

How indelibly sad that I was so taken by this farce. LL It is in this spirit that I propose a federal mandate requiring all opinion columnists to review their work upon its tenth anniversary. I’m specifically talking to you Bret Stephens, Maureen Dowd, David Brooks, Paul Krugman, Charles Krauthammer, Gail Collins, Ross Douthat, and….fuck it every last one of you!! Clarence Paige, Thomas Frank, Karl Rove, Thomas Sowell, Bill O’Reilly….EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU! If you’re a syndicated columnist, you’re a useless douche bag who gets paid far too well for the crap you churn out. At least Charles M. Blow first finds some data AND THEN writes a column. It may not be the best-written column of the week, but at least it contains some hard information. Shit. Both Left and Right have their hacks. Then there’s Sean Hannity. Limbaugh is a genius compared to him. Any man that wears that much makeup doesn't have a dick. Your bookie has a bet to make: 25 to 1 odds that when they do Hannnity’s autopsy, he’s under two inches.  

USA vs. Portugal


Sorry, U.S. Fans. You’re best team ever has no chance of overcoming the Navigators. With a spot of luck, a draw might be in the cards. One finds it spectacularly unfair that the U.S. is slotted to face off against this colossus. It’s not your fault. Good Will Hunting, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!

THE LINE: Portugal +1 Goal

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: USA 3, Portugal 2. Hey U.S. Fans! Do you remember this game? Be not ashamed if the answer is no. I’m prepared to help relive every last detail of the American attack J The contest started off with an explosive strike from John O’Brien. Already in the fourth minute he was prepared to demonstrate to the world how this would be a different match. After some cautionary possession from the Portuguese, Jeff Agoos stripped the ball from Costa. The result was a corner kick from Earnie Stewart. Though McBride’s header was denied, O’Brien pouched on the rebound to send it directly to the mesh. Later Landon Donovan tried to place a cross. Costa wasn’t prepared for it and the ball caromed of his shoulder into the net.

Bit of a lucky break you say? Sure why not? J The Americans would prove they deserved the win with their third goal. Tony Sanneh bent a cross so precise that Brian McBride couldn’t have missed it if he tried. It was 3-0 America at that point and the final result was a foregone conclusion. A lucky strike by Beto and an own goal by Agoos made it closer. Keep in mind that Donovan’s carom was only made possible by poor Portuguese defending. This was the match, gentlemen. This was the determinate moment when U.S. Football ceased to be a joke. June 5th 2002 should be a holiday. America needs more of those. 

Germany vs. Ireland


Fresh off their Saudi slashing, it seems inconceivable that the Krauts will be able to replicate their offensive rhythm. The underachieving Irish are nothing if not a prepared bunch. Both Robbie Keane and Shay Given look to be in form. Nevertheless, rising star Klose should prevail.

THE LINE: Germany +1 Goal

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Germany 1, Ireland 1. This was an extremely tense game. Klose did prevail in the 19th minute and the match proceeded to settle into midfield trench stalemate. Given made a few brilliant saves and Duff pestered Kahn on more than a few occasions. In hindsight it was a technically impressive match during which quality outfield players canceled each other out and superb goalkeepers took care of any aberrant leaks. Finally, it the 92nd minute Robbie Keane swept up a rebound and leveled the score. According to my father, Germans were just heartbroken enough to invite their Irish contemporaries to have another drink….and many babies were conceived. 


Denmark vs. Senegal


The Danes silenced their critics…including this one. The Senegalese silenced all of you who now find yourselves in my debt. Following the African Miracle, one cannot accurately augur what will become of this squad. The clichés pile up. “Dark Horse”, “Cinderella Team”, “Wild Card”, “Maverick Rider”. I’m staying away from this one. We have another pick.

THE LINE: Pick ‘em

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Denmark 1, Senegal 1. I’ve already explained why the bookie no longer permits himself to take the coward’s way out. This was another one of those “JUSTICE MUST BE SERVED!” games. After a questionable penalty gave the jutting jackasses an early lead, any observer willed that the Superior West Africans would catch up. They unleashed a barrage of shots against Sorenson, all of which were deflected with remarkable stretches from the suddenly super-heroic keeper. Finally, a full five minutes after you were sure that the football Gods simply wouldn’t let it happen, Salif Diao broke through. The point was earned and Africa lived to fight another day. They should have won the game. 

Cameroon vs. Saudi Arabia


Will the Saudis play better? Most assuredly. Do they have a chance of erasing their humiliation? Get lost. Song, Eto’o, and Song again. The end.

THE LINE: Cameroon +2 goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:
Result: Cameroon 1, Saudi Arabia 0. The desert dwellers managed to rally around one another and turn in a respectable performance. The Indomitable Lions ended up phoning it in, edging by a team they could have obviously dominated.

France vs. Uruguay


Salvage your pride, froggies. Time to write your confessional memoir and move on. I’m not betting on these pretenders anymore. I trust that you will regroup and rebuild another Republic. Five times now you’ve demonstrated your Phoenix potential. Rise from the ashes and light up another Gauloises!

THE LINE: France +1 goal


Editor’s retroactive notes:
Result: France 0, Uruguay 0. Even a practiced apologist cannot construct a piece defending a goalless draw. Grrrr. The satire rights itself. Hey, football fans! Are we ready to observe a bunch of somnambulists abrogating one another!?!