Nihao Syndicate Members,
Less than a week has passed. Given where the first two groups competed, we’ve little choice but to go with the “Asian Flavor” Greeting. The first two groups have not only competed, they’ve COMPLETED. Yes, that's right. You blinked and four teams have already been eliminated. In one brief bat of the eyelash, Hugo Chavez is dead, Sequestration went through, the Kenyans managed a mostly clean vote, and nearly half the World Baseball Classic passed by. Thankfully, we can always rely on the Vatican to generate news in the slow-motion manner to which we are accustomed.
That isn’t meant to sound condescending…not even in the
subtlest of senses. Your friendly bookie finds keeping up with this tournament
especially difficult. A ballgame typically pushes three hours. Modern
technology enables one to fast-forward through a few lousy commercials, a mound
conference, or perhaps even that irritating segment wherein the broadcasters
“welcome” you inside their booth. A true baseball fan, however, will find it irresistible
to miss a pitch. Dammit. Obsession kills.
Question: How tired is your boy Vicey?
Answer: Too tired to ramble.
Question: Can he at least put his Line of the Week into
writing? Limited as it may be, it would at least prove that he’s a somewhat
unconventional hack.
Answer: Sure. Why not? The “conventional hack” has very
little to lose:
This week’s best line:
--“Ratzinger turned out to be a comparatively good German
after all. At least he didn’t plagiarize his doctoral thesis. Worship him for
that if nothing else.”
And that would be all I’ve got. We’re but a few hours away
from two very significant games, not to mention the U.S. Debut. Should anyone
wish to catch up, your friendly bookie is prepared to offer summaries:
Pool A—Fukuoka Dome, Japan
We began in Japan’s famed “Fukuoka Dome”, re-christened the
“Fukuoka YAHOO! (Super Happy Fun) Japan Dome” back in 2005. The venue hosts the
Nippon League’s own Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks. The team should not be confused in
any way with legendary gay porn actor “Softbank Hawk”, who cemented his
monument by entering various Western-themed sets stage right before tipping his
hat, adjusting his lasso, and loudly proclaiming that he was “lookin' for
somethin’ to ride.”
The stadium seats a capacity crowd of 38,561, yet we never
drew close to those numbers. Over twenty-out thousand filed in to watch the
opening match that pitted Japan against Brazil. Subsequent games attracted as
few as three thousand spectators. One wondered on a few occasions if we were in
fact playing in the “Fukushima Dome”. The Japs certainly missed out on some
great baseball. On the other hand, almost no one on in the land of the Rising
Sun missed out on the latest episodes of “Takeishi’s Most Extreme Jello
Catapult Wars”. A choice had to be made.
The Brazilian debutants got us off to a cracking start on
Saturday night, taking an early lead against the heavily favored Japanese in
the opening match. For a full seven innings, it appeared as if a shocking upset
from Larkin’s Lads remained entirely possible. It was new Japanese manager Koji
Yamamoto, however, who made all the right moves. The importance of personnel
moves in baseball cannot be underestimated. This is especially true in the
World Baseball Classic, which has all sorts of quirky rules involving pitch
count limits, the inability to use the same pitcher in a three-day span, a ban
on double switches, and a cap on pinch hitters.
Yamamoto’s carefully selected substitutes saved the day.
Hirokazu Ibata and “Big Dog” Shinnusuke Abe came off the bench to kick start a
three run eighth that put the Japs ahead for good. All heroes were waved home
under a cacophonous hail of drums, horns, and chants. True to form, the Japs
treated this sluggish and often downright lackadaisical game like a football
match. After securing a well-earned and thoroughly entertaining victory, the
Jap contingent shuffled out of the Fukuoka Dome and retreated to their
domiciles in time to catch the much anticipated season finale of “Throwing
Tapioca Pudding at Fat Gut Tied up in Tentacles.”
The Brazilian squad had no time for such “Must-See-TV”. They
had to turnaround and make it back to the ballpark for the next day’s noon
matinee against the Cubans. A massive contingent of twelve whole Cubans was
able to afford airfare to the West Coast of the Kyushu Region in order to cheer
on their boys in the Red Leotards. Raul couldn’t make it as he found himself a
bit preoccupied with the Bermudez announcement. Just who do these Cubans think
they are, cautiously opting for a non-octogenarian successor? Let’s hope the
Vatican doesn’t make a similar mistake.
Larkin trusted Chicago White Sox prospect Andre Rienzo with
the mound and the future Major League largely kept Cuban bats quiet through
four innings. Then the Jugadores woke up. Following a solid two-run fifth, the
heart of the order pelted green reliever Gabe Asukura for three earned runs
before an out was even recorded in the subsequent frame. To their credit,
Larkin’s Lads staged a semi-rally immediately when it was their turn at the
plate. Fielding lapses by First Baseman Jose Abreu and catcher Errier Sanchez
enabled them to man squeeze in two runs. Nevertheless, insufficient power in
the lineup meant the newbies couldn’t engineer enough baggers to compete.
Later on Sunday evening, the Japs and the Chinese stopped
arguing over whether some random discarded aluminum cans floating around the
Senkaku constituted an act of for a full three hours! To be absolutely precise,
they let this nonsense drop for two hours and fifty-seven minutes! Sadly, after
the final out was recorded, one of the aluminum cans washed ashore and several
intense hours had to be invested to diffuse a high-level international
diplomatic incident. “Big Dog” Shinnusuke Abe was cleared to start and made his
presence felt early on with an opening run in the bottom of the second. After
surprise starter Xia Luo reached his pitch limit, the Japs made a complete
mockery out of the Dragon bullpen, smacking the shit out of both Daiwei Zhu and
Kun Chen.
A four-run fourth inning meant we wouldn’t be calling those
worthless rocks the “Diaoyu” anytime soon. In spite of the insurmountable lead,
the Chinese showed some heart by making life difficult for closer Tetsuyu
Yamaguchi. The Yoimuri Giants pitcher may have struck out the side, but he
allowed two runs in a rather nervy ninth frame. Nervy, that is, for a bookie.
Most of the ten thousand or so Japanese fans in the arena had already concluded
that the game was officially over and were snug in their hotel beds watching a
popular re-run of the critically acclaimed “Wasabi Dildo Sculpting: Tournament
of Champions”.
Any pride the Chinese might have salvaged summarily failed
to translate to momentum on Day Three of the Classic. They were positively
shellacked by the Cubans 12-0 in a horrendous outing that tournament mercy
rules limited to seven innings. Alexei Bell provided the group’s first homer
with a two-run shot in the fourth. One frame later, Jose Abreu atoned for his
previous defensive mistakes by blasting a Grand Slam. Game Over. Cut the pan
flute. Cue the record scratch.
Chinese embarrassment was even compounded by a bizarre play
in the first inning. Chinese 1B Fujia Chu successfully stole second base, and
then retreated back to first after falsely assuming a foul tip. Cuban catcher
Errier Sanchez alertly threw to first and he was tagged out after a brief
rundown. Hence, the box score credits Chu with BOTH a SB and a CS on the same
play. Weird stuff. Initial reports from the stunned broadcasters were that the
Cuban infielders must have played a dirty trick on him. Replays confirmed that
wasn’t the case. It was pure stupidity. Chu was “chu-ed out” after retuning to
the dugout and benched for the duration of the game. Don’t fuck up like that
when representin’ the Reds!
Chu regained his place in the starting nine, just in time to
grab a hit in a meaningless match up against the hard done by Brazilians. Just
when it appeared that Larkin’s Lads would return home with something to show
for their surprisingly stellar effort, the “Amasians” unleashed their latent
power. They humiliated Seattle Mariners prospect Thyagho Vierra via a five-run
onslaught in the bottom half of the eighth, demolishing any hopes of a Samba
Salvage just when it counted. With their late inning rally, the Chinese
automatically earned a place in the 2017 tournament….with high hopes that
someone might actually give a shit by then.
For Pool A’s Grand Finale, the Cubans batted away a
gnat-like Japanese squad that sought to assert the privileges of home turf. The
final match proved every bit as exhilarating as the first. More late-inning
drama, intriguing moves, and colorful spectators. The opposite bookend turned
out to be an absolute treat, even if topping the group meant absolutely
nothing. Your final standings, along with the future implications for 2017 read
as follows.
1) Cuba (qualifies for quarterfinals and 2017 WBC)
2) Japan (qualifies for quarterfinals and 2017 WBC)
3) China (eliminated, yet qualifies for 2017 WBC)
4) Brazil (eliminated, must still qualify for 2017 WBC)
Pool B—Taichung Intercontinental Baseball Stadium, Taiwan
The Taiwanese are known for their breathtaking architecture,
and this venue did not disappoint. Even perfectly positioned HD-TV cameras
couldn't hope to do the sightlines justice. The loyal denizens of the Republic
of China exceeded stadium capacity every time their boys took the field. For
once, the Republic of Taiwa….er….”Chinese Taipei” came through for those
unwavering in their support.
Chih-Sheng Lin and Cheng-Ming Peng, Szu-Chi Chou got us off
to a quick jump-start on Saturday afternoon, manufacturing three runs in three
innings. Peng would later homer in fifth to add insult to injury. The woeful
Australians suffered a debilitating defeat at the hands of the hosts. Game
enthusiasts across the globe exhaled as everything appeared Newtonian in the
Baseball Universe.
Suddenly, however, the whole damn group turned into
something that one of Bohr’s graduate assistants hallucinated in a work-induced
fever dream. A scant six hours after over 20,000 Taiwanese witnessed their
country’s sparkling launch, five hundred Dutch oddballs took their seats to
cheer on their modern-day collection of plantation slaves. The results induce
involuntary spasms, uncontrollable twitching, and unforgivable finger-to-sinus
requisitioning. One might as well call such convulsions by their proper name:
CRINGES.
The fucking Dutch managed it once again. They did so under
the auspices of leadoff man Andrelton Simmons. The Curacao shortstop went
3-for-5. They did so in large part thanks to Designated Hitter Andruw Jones.
The former Braves outfielder may be too feeble to pick up a glove, but he went
2-for-4. The Dutch drove in five runs, all thanks to players from Curacao and
Antilles. They shut out the Koreans, a team so many (including this bookie)
were brimming with excitement to see. Fuck me. Where are mediocre Europeans
when you need them? They pop up in every summit meeting. Is it really too much
to ask that they occasionally show up on the diamond as well?
Thankfully, the Taiwanese avenged the Asian Adversity the
very next afternoon. Wei-Lun Pan came on to deliver nearly five innings of
solid relief after the Dutch threatened to steal another game early. Dai-Kang
Yang drove in three runs to abrogate an early 3-0 Dutch lead. All position
players either contributed a hit or (in the case of catcher Hung-Yu Lin’s
sacrifice fly) earned an RBI. Honor prevailed. Evil was humbled.
The Koreans themselves were afforded a chance at redemption,
and collected, during an early Monday evening clash with the Australians. They
came out guns blazing. Tae Kyun Kim, Hyun-Soo Kim, Seung-Yeop Lee, Dae-Ho Lee,
JinYoung-Lee, and Yong-Kyu Lee did more than demonstrate to us that there are
far more common Korean surnames than “Park”. They kicked ass, getting the
Taeguk Nine off to a fantastic start with four runs in the first two innings.
Seung-Jun Song and Heeso Park took care of the rest. The Koreans blanked the
Aussies 4-0…..and Newton once again reigned supreme.
The Dutch finished off the Aussie pretenders in Tuesday’s
early match. That was expected. What boggled the mind was the South Korean
upset that followed. A Taiwanese sweep seemed inevitable. Jung-Ho Kang of the
Nexen Heroes somehow managed a Roy-Hobbes-like homer in the bottom of the
eighth to pull the Koreans ahead….Gangam style. Though it may not have mattered
all that much in the final analysis, it was ultimately sweeter than watching
Kirk Gibson…or so I’m prepared to write.
Your final standings, along with the future implications for
2017 read as follows.
1) Chinese Taipei (qualifies for quarterfinals and 2017 WBC)
2) Netherlands (qualifies for quarterfinals and 2017 WBC)
3) South Korea (eliminated, yet qualifies for 2017 WBC)
4) Australia (eliminated, must still qualify for 2017
WBC)
All caught up? Let’s rock tomorrow’s lines.
My Updated Stats
Spread: 6-7-1
Straight up: 10-3-1
This bookie is BACK. It took a game like baseball to remind
him that stats periodically mean something.
Pool 1—Tokyo Dome, Japan
Friday
Netherlands vs. Cuba
(Diegomar Markwell vs. Raciel Iglesias)
Accept those pitching head-to-heads and an upset might very
well be brewing. The Dutch have enough firepower while the Cubans have enough
foresight. An improbable victory would actually mean very little, considering
that the initial game means little beyond placement in a complex elimination
tree. We’ll see. The smart money remains on the Cubans.
THE
LINE: Cuba +1 Run
Japan vs. Chinese Taipei
(Masahiro Tanaka vs. Wei Lun-Pan)
Here’s your marquee match up. Additionally, here’s your
“upset special”. This bookie has seen far too much quality out of the Taiwanese
to drop them in favor or the arbitrary champions at this point. Good luck,
gentlemen.
THE
LINE: Chinese Taipei + 3 Runs
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
