Servus Syndicate Members,
Jetzt geht’s ENDLICH los! We’re officially underway. Our
mutual vacation begins this very minute!! I’m genuinely pleased and oddly proud
to officially launch “WM 2014—12 Years a Syndicate”. In the coming days,
Syndicate Members will have the opportunity to place traditional odds-based
wagers on the placement/prospects of all 32 countries. Such odds will be
delivered in the same manner they were during the 2012 European Championship:
Via separate preview sections for each individual four-team group. Anyone
capable of some quick arithmetic will note that eight preview sections will be
published this time. Following that, match lines will be disseminated in the
usual fashion. As always, Prop Bets won’t be permitted until the Knockout Stages.
Queries come pouring in and it seems most prudent to use
this introductory space to address some “Frequently Asked Questions” (FAQS……for
those either not fluent in English or thrown off by their Playstation
Addiction). The subsequent FAQS are essentially amalgams of the more pressing
requests for information recently received. Before getting to that, let’s
answer an e-mail:
Reader:
Where are you Vicey? Can we get an update?
Vicey:
I’d prefer not to say. In a crude mixture of statements commonly released by
Dick Cheney and Hunter S. Thompson, all I can reveal is that I’m at a fortified
compound at an undisclosed location. I can tell you that splitting firewood for
twelve straight hours is surprisingly hard on the testicles. The combination of
sweat-induced chafing and symmetrical herniation makes one’s balls feel like
they were the ones being chopped in half all day. At least you know that now ;
)
Onward to the FAQS
FAQ
#1: “Which betting system will we be using this year?”
A highly salient question. This year we will be using what I
colloquially refer to as the “Time-saving Risk Averse System”. I’m actually
more fond of the more capricious “Precise Line System”, but it all depends on
how much spare time I have on my hands and (by extension) how audacious I feel
like being. This go-around I’m completely snowed in with contracts, familial
obligations, and some extra coursework I’ve been hoping to take on. Hence,
we’ll employ the former set of rules.
Here’s your example:
Deutschland vs. Italy
vs. 
The
Line: Deutschland +3 Goals
The Favorite (Germany) is favored to win by 3 goals. If
you bet on Italy, there are three ways you can win the bet:
1) Italy loses by less than 3 goals.
2) Match is a draw
3) Italy wins
Conversely, there is only one way to win if you bet on
Germany
1) Germany wins by more than 3 goals
Should Germany win by precisely 3 goals, THE BET IS A
WASH. THE BET IS A TIE. NO ONE OWES ANYONE ANYTHING
OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND:
1) Your Bookie takes bets on a FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE
BASIS. Your bookie reserves the right to refuse picks if either the line has
moved or too much money has already come in one side. Get your wagers in early.
If you snooze you lose. Or, as the Germans put it, “Ein Nickerchen bedeutet kein
Fickerchen”
2) Speaking of conflict of interest, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY
NO WAY IN HELL YOU'LL GET ME TO BET AGAINST GERMANY!! Don't even try. This
would be analogous to a black man casting a vote for David Duke.
3) Payouts come at the end of the tournament. ALL BETTORS
ALSO GET A SCHWAG PACK! Trust your bookie, if only because he can't risk having
the lid blown off this shadowy operation.
4) Previously I set a deadline of one hour before kickoff
for anyone wishing to place a bet. This year I’m altering matters. TWO HOURS
BEFORE KICKOFF, PEOPLE! I’ve
figured out that I can hedge my bets by running down to the local TIPICO. It’s
imperative that the Syndicate remains a modestly profitable enterprise for your
friendly bookie. This isn’t merely for selfish reasons. I need to be able to
afford the Schwag Packs. So it goes.
No fear, Syndicate Members. I’ll repost these ground rules
once we arrive at Round One. : )
FAQ
#2: “Is ‘Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew’ still serving as the official Beer
Sponsor?”
Heavens, no. After an eminently practical partnership,
“Big Flats” and I have parted ways. Our new official beer sponsor is “Pißwasser
Pils”
For those a mite curious, all Syndicate years have had a
terrible beer sponsor. It’s buried in those 1800 pages. What precisely fueled
the Syndicate in each respective instance? I’m so glad you asked!
1) 2002—“St. Pauli Girl”
The original “Cheap German Lager for export only”. This beer tastes like flowers in the spring...after a cow pissed on them. Placing a big-tittied "beer wench" on the label only makes one think of sour milk. Ugh.
2) 2004—“Pabst Blue Ribbon”
The undisputed best brew in the world….circa 1893. ; ( If you find yourself ordering a PBR, it's been a bad week and you're running pretty lean. It makes you miss the beer available for purchase at the PX Commissary. Only soldiers drink worse beer than this travesty.
3) 2006—“Kraftwerk Ale” (fictional)
How in the hell was I supposed to know that the very real
“Kräftig Lager” would appear seven years later. Note to anyone who drinks
“Kräftig” or “Kräftig Light”: IT DOESN’T EXIST IN GERMANY!! It’s a real-life
“Cheap German Lager for export only”.
4) 2008—“5,0”
This happens to be an actual German beer. The Germans use a
comma in lieu of a decimal point when quoting fractions. The simply stated
label informs you that the beverage you’re about to consume is “5.0 percent
alcohol by volume”. Nice and straightforward. It's like naming an XTC Tablet "Forget your cigarette lighter and make out with a random chick"
5) 2010—“Keystone DryIceLite” (fictional)
Why not bind three of the worst concepts in the history of
beer together? It’s verifiably the worst “Menage a Trois” ever conceived!
Picture two morbidly obese chicks fighting over the dick of Donald Sterling.
That’s the essence of “Keystone DryIceLite”.
6) 2012—“Schloss Gold”
Less than Two Euros for a six-pack!!!! ……(!!)……(!!)……(!!)
Man oh man do I love shopping at German discount Supermarket “Netto”. Even more
delightful than the dirt cheap beer, this bookie relishes a completely
“un-faced” supermarket. Why? Because….WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT FACING?!?!? I
don’t need the products to look pretty!! DON’T YOU PEOPLE REALIZE THAT YOU’RE
WASTING YOUR LIFE!?!?!
7) 2013—“Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew”
What can I say? It helped. It proved especially helpful
after spending 2 1/2 hours every evening facing products. Grrrrrrr…..one life to
live and THAT’S HOW ONE GETS TO SPEND IT? Arghhh. Had I owned a gun, I wouldn’t
have been able to resist the temptation to commit suicide. Who cares about
“Market Research”? Okay…it’s nice if everything looks neat and clean…..but
98.9% is surely good enough. It’s untenable to spend your life lining up
shampoo bottles, potato chips, and soda labels within a centimeter of
perfection. FUCK THIS NONSENSE. WHO GIVES A SHIT?
Time passes. One grows older. Opportunities are slipping
through one’s fingers. Another day closer to death and one sits there polishing
a turd.
Okay…enough of this rant.
No….NOT ENOUGH OF THIS RANT!!
Why are so many so obsessed with order and organizing?!
Admittedly, my life could use a bit more order and a bit less chaos. “Big
Picture Academics” (sometimes referred to as ‘eccentrics’) tend to be
absent-minded and have a lousy eye for detail. Shit happens. I don’t profess to
know which sort of life is more fulfilling, but a life flushed down the toilet
worrying about a bunch of petty bullshit doesn’t sound very fulfilling to me.
“Big Picture Eccentrics” like myself may be inherently annoying in our daily
habits, but we like to think that being generous, kind, and patient in the more
meaningful respects counts for something. : )
We find our diametric opposites inherently annoying as well.
It’s not that we don’t like them or don’t invest time seeing things from their
perspective. We just hate to see bright individuals pitching away your very
real talent on the unimportant things in life. Maybe I have “Professor’s
disease” (even though I’ve never been and never will be a professor), but it
sucks to watch smart people behave stupidly. It just does ; (
And don’t get me started on “passive aggressive
note-writing…we’ll be here all night ;( ;(
8) 2014—“Pißwasser Pils” (fictional)
Go ahead and watch the link again:
…and watch this link while you’re
at it:
FAQ
#3: “Will you be allowing readers to post comments the blog this year?”
What I refer to as “riffing” is perhaps the sole reason the
Syndicate exists at all. Syndicate members (numbering between 100-200 in any
given year) were hand-selected for their razor-sharp wit, above-average
intelligence, and stubborn refusal to ever be even marginally boring ; ) Each
and every one of you once intrigued me and continues to do so. That’s why I
wish to remain in contact with you, trading barbs and bets. I’m surely not the
only one who feels this way. Feel great about the fact that a majority of
people consider you an interesting person!
That being said, there’s absolutely no fucking way I’m allowing
this project to be trashed up by the kind of garbage most people post on
internet comment sections. It’s not that I in any way fear criticism. On the
contrary, the insulting “riffs” are my favorites. I feature them in every
mailbag section. It’s just that comment sections are a cesspool. Take a look at
practically any Youtube comment section or celebrity twitter feed. Every third
comment is either:
1) “U R GAAAAY!”
2) “Rand Paul 2016!!” (formerly ‘Ron Paul 2012!!’)
3) “Fuck you. DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”
4) RE-TARD!
5) Here’s a link to kiddie porn/penis enlargement pills/car
insurance savings/ etc., etc.
I tried allowing open comments initially and all I ended up
doing was moping up stinking shit from Ukrainian Porn Bots or pathetically
spelled “hate jabs” from losers unhappy with their lot in life. The internet is
approximately half automated cookies and half angry cowards. That’s our
reality.
We’ve got a good thing going here with Blogspot. Their
world-class software gives our small circle a platform with which to have our
little bit of fun. No need to junk up matters with a bunch of foul smelling
trolls who wish to beat their chest out from the safe anonymity of their dingy
caves. That would constitute a disservice to all of you.
FAQ
#4: “When will you reactivate the blog’s e-mail account?”
Soon enough. I’m not looking forward to cleaning up after
Ukrainian Porn bots or the host of hits coming from lonely dudes googling “Hot
Female Footballers Ooops Moment”, “Lotta Shelin fucks”, or “Louisa Necib naked”
Yes….sadly the two Syndicates covering Female football
tournaments attracted the most traffic emanating from the World’s Search
Engine. Dammit. They were genuinely a labor of love. As a rabid fan of Women’s
football, I invested a lot of time crafting nuanced analysis. In the end,
however, my frequently sophomoric humor and propensity towards profane language
were the only aspects sent for by Google’s Spiders.
Very well. Totally my fault. If anyone happens to stumble
upon this blog after typing in one of the search terms above, THERE’S NO VAGINA
SHOTS HERE!! One could conceivably argue that there should be, but THERE”S
STILL NO VAGINA SHOTS HERE!
Just go to a porn site. It’s not as if they’re hard to find!
FAQ
#5: “What’s with the Minimalist Promotion, Esoteric Language, and 40-page-long
posts?”
I happen to prefer it this way. After ten years of hiding
the Syndicate away in private e-mail channels, I finally came to the
realization that I could reduce some of the time-consuming logistics by
transforming it into a blog. I had no cause to worry about privacy, reputation,
or (most importantly) traffic fees because…..only those whom I wanted to read
it would end up reading it!
It was quite the epiphany. My mental process consisted of
some personal FAQS. It unfolded a little something like this:
A) How many people live on the planet?
Now officially over seven billion “mostly harmless” human
entities.
B) How many people volunteer their data to Facebook?
One Billion and counting.
C) How many people with a computer use it for some form
of social networking?
Every last sentient being with access to a computer.
D) How many people will have a blog with twenty years?
Based on current trends, my scientifically quantifiable
answer would be “Everyone and their mother”
E) How many pages of “Shadow Scholar Syndicate” have you
written?
Close to one thousand. If I added retroactive notes, I could
push that number to 1200-1400.
F) What are the chances that someone has the stamina to
read through all of them?
Zero. I could throw it up for posterity and still maintain
anonymity for centuries after my death.
G) Why not cut down on the e-mail lists by posting it
then?
Sounds like a rhetorical question to me!
H) What the hell are you waiting for?
I’d like to go a way without asking myself that particular
rhetorical question!
Eight questions. Coincidentally enough, eight groups compete
in the World Cup Finals. ; )
Your Syndicate remains neither a moneymaking nor a
career-driven enterprise. It’s just friends & fun. I’m cognizant of the
fact that it will never be a professional success. A standard line joke I like
to make when rambling on for far too long reads:
“We’ll leave this debate for future researchers at ‘The
Department of Vice Studies’ at ‘Lebowski University’”
If someone should improbably arrive at the idea of promoting
this rinky-dink little blog, I’d kindly ask that you refrain from doing so.
Why? Because your friendly bookie is comfortable in the Shadows. That’s his
home. It’s the only place that accepted him. It’s a snug and secure little
place that offers him all of the joy of challenging research and writing
without all the bullshit. No brownnosing. No boot licking. No “politics of the
petty”. No having to listen to others complain constantly about how everyone
else is somehow screwing up their life.
Sure it gets lonely at times, but that’s what “Syndicate
Season” is for. ; )
We’ve got a good thing going here, mates. ;)
FAQ
#6: “What’s wrong with betting via Bodog, Inter-Wetten, or Tipico?”
Absolutely nothing. That’s just as much fun. Just know that
you’re welcome here….and you get a Schwag Pack :)
FAQ
#7: “When will you open your Skype Account again?”
Give me a few days. Chill out. I’m working on it.
FAQ
#8: “When will you update the blog’s ‘About Me Section?”
Give me a few days. CHILL OUT. I’m working on it.
FAQ
#9: “When can we expect the aforementioned preview sections?”
GIVE ME A FEW DAYS. CHILL OUT. I’M WORKING ON IT!!
FAQ
#10: “Aren’t you getting a bit old for this?”
It’s still worth it to me. Reconnecting with old friends is
always worth it. Friendship necessitates work in the same way that a
partnership or relationship does. One has to shake off the short-term
frustrations and focus on the prosperous felicity of the long-term. That’s what
life is about….in one sense.
In another sense, life is about learning how truly large and
diverse the world is and accepting one’s own humble mediocrity,
Antonio-Salieri- Style. Over the course of the past twelve years I’m still not
quite ready, but I’m getting there.
The Syndicate will not continue indefinitely. That doesn’t
mean we won’t end each chapter with very same closer that promises that the
show must go on:
“We’ll meet again. The Syndicate shall return. Now get out
of here….and GO KICK A BALL
WITH A STRANGER!!”
Enough of all these mildly existential musings.
Who’s
ready for some football?
