Editor’s Retroactive Notes:
Your friendly bookie serenely
contemplates the halycon days ahead. Nothing quite like the sublime days of “Friends
& Football.” Even if the Digital Age to which we’ve all been forced to
adapt to means that these manuscripts are now widely available to those many
who aren’t in on the joke, we remain the same tight knit group of mates engaging
in a frivolous bit of nonsensical creative catharsis.
In selecting this Summer’s “re-release”,
I simply couldn’t resist what might possibly be the most blatant “inside joke”
of them all: The Legal Disclaimer from WMQ 2009. For those perchance interested
in getting in on the joke, we’ll supplement it with the Into from that Summer’s
Tournament.
The Supreme Court has paved
the way for legalized Sports Gambling! Juchu! Er…is it too early to start
thinking about bringing the Tipico Franchise Stateside?
Happy Summer, brothers.
From WMQ 2009—Syndicate
with Avengence
DISCLAIMER
For
those of you reading this on facebook (that is, er… “all of the both of you”),
there is a certain piece of early 1990s codified congressional legislation that
I’d like to call your attention to. I ask the two of you to be quite fastidious
in your reading of 26 USC 3701, otherwise known as the “Amateur and
Professional Sports Protection Act of 1992” The law clearly stipulates that is
illegal for:
“a person to sponsor, operate,
advertise, promote, pursuant to the law or compact of a government entity, a
lottery, sweepstakes, or other betting, gambling, or wagering scheme based,
directly or indirectly (through the use of geographical references or
otherwise), on one or more competitive games in which amateur or professional
athletes participate, or are intended to participate, or on one or more
performances of such athletes in such games”
Got that? Betting on carbon-based life-forms
descended from apes is illegal in this country! You can encourage a culture of
mass-euthanasia for all the gimped-up racehorses and washed-up greyhounds you
care to, but even friendly bookkeeping or an office pool is a serious crime.
(Except in Nevada, Delaware, Oregon, or Montana). Mathematically inclined
Jersey Rabbis and Seedy Louisiana Opportunists are among the groups absolutely
NOT allowed to partake in sports betting!! The U.S. Congress has seen fit to
pass this not-at-all shallowly symbolic or vote-pandering piece of critical
national legislation.
As a lifelong C-Span addict, I may attest to the fact that the United States Congress ALWAYS prioritizes the most pertinent issues, never succumbing to the urge to pass cosmetic, pedantic, or uncontroversial laws immediately before an election. Nearly every day of my natural life, it has been my great pleasure to observe, via the Cable Satellite Public Affairs Network, the truly awe-inspiring the work of our democratically elected representatives; the eloquent, informed, and coherent questions they pose in subcommittee, the erudite and logically impeccable charts they present on the Senate floor, their commitment to actually read and understand pieces of legislation they vote on rather than their respective party’s pre-fabricated talking points that have little or nothing to do with the actual text of the bill, and, lastly, their fearless vow to eschew political posturing and grandstanding in favor of poignant analysis and commentary whenever they rise to speak!
As a lifelong C-Span addict, I may attest to the fact that the United States Congress ALWAYS prioritizes the most pertinent issues, never succumbing to the urge to pass cosmetic, pedantic, or uncontroversial laws immediately before an election. Nearly every day of my natural life, it has been my great pleasure to observe, via the Cable Satellite Public Affairs Network, the truly awe-inspiring the work of our democratically elected representatives; the eloquent, informed, and coherent questions they pose in subcommittee, the erudite and logically impeccable charts they present on the Senate floor, their commitment to actually read and understand pieces of legislation they vote on rather than their respective party’s pre-fabricated talking points that have little or nothing to do with the actual text of the bill, and, lastly, their fearless vow to eschew political posturing and grandstanding in favor of poignant analysis and commentary whenever they rise to speak!
To
summarize, there is simply no second-guessing our sagacious and infinitely
competent Congress. As is the case with any institution, we need not have
actually studied anywhere else to proudly proclaim that America has the best in
the world! In honor of these venerable bastions of bicameral democracy, I
kindly ask you to refrain from any thoughts of placing sports bets or calling a
bookie as you read these pages. Purge any such speculation from your mind using
your best cognitive vectors. Before you double down, doublethink! And now, we
are pleased to present:
“Vicey’s Entirely non-Sportsbook Related
Completely Experimental [Mr. Holder, I swear I do not endorse Gambling!!!]
FIFA-Bloglike Word Assemblage…..That has Absolutely Nothing to do with Point
Spreads”
From WM 2010—Attack of the
Syndicate:
Greetings Syndicate Members,
For the fifth time in the past eight years, a
momentous sporting event necessitates that we stop pretending we’ve grown into
responsible adult men, and commence hurling ethnic slurs at one another,
inventing obscene phrases, and backing it all up with whatever currency we
happen to be trading in. Your bookie welcomes you back for yet another
month-long international adventure. Four weeks, sixty three matches, and as
much cash at stake as you wish. Let the biennial tradition continue. Let’s get
together and feel all right… J J
Introduction—A special rant for all of the both
Facebook readers
What? No baroque introduction Vicey? No
eighteen-part diatribe on tariff quotas or some other obscure issue that
irritated you in last quarter’s “Northern European Trade Review”? No worries,
the eccentric, obsessive keyboard thumper hasn’t gone anywhere. This crazed
screwball still delights in writing long treatise no one can ever manage to get
through, and still does so just for the sheer unadulterated hell of it.
Still, we’ll give it a miss on Facebook for
purely practical reasons. Treasured long-time syndicate members can print out
the trademark World Cup Tomes (using entire trees in the process) while the
casual Facebook reader may care to place a bet or two. (Pause for collective
sigh of relief). You’re welcome everyone! Hopefully, your fascination with
football won’t end after this tournament.
Being on Facebook, however, it somehow feels
right to rant about something. Hmmmm….Why an abridged Facebook version? Well,
certainly not because I’m too timid to showcase a twisted sense of humor and
the occasional fondness for profane poor taste jokes. NOTE TO FACEBOOK USERS:
Stop whining about your privacy being violated. You elected to build a
profile-based shrine to yourself. Deal with the consequences.
This applies to everyone beyond this website.
There is far too illegitimate outcry over this issue in the world today. Let’s
get it together people. My mates in Berlin moan that sharing Bank Data with the
U.S. means that (gasp) Washington might know that they drank a few liters of
beer in Wedding yesterday. My female friends express anxiety that a photo of
them holding a Bud Light Golden Wheat will somehow invalidate the fact that
they are eminently qualified and make their boss deem them a drunken slut. All
across the country, enraged dip-shits are dead certain a census worker asking
for their name and birthday is part of a government conspiracy to find the
combination on their luggage.
It’s one thing to have a job that mandates
security clearances (as some might) or live in one of the world’s remaining
police states (as others do). My quarrel is with those insignificant losers who
act as if they have a STASI File. Will you people chill the hell out? The
amount of data in the world today means Big Brother has to be fairly focused on
the OSINT end. To that effect, no one gives a hemorrhaging fuck about you or
that time in college you elected to pose with that bong. Moreover, I sincerely
doubt the government is going to use your daughter’s birthday to do….whatever
the hell you are afraid of. (Send her a present presumably).
The truly pathetic reason behind this wave of
non-Civil Liberties unrest is the lamentable fact that most people consider
themselves pretty important: significant enough to be spied on. Even if they’re
not excessively paranoid, most people tend to vastly over-estimate how much
others think of them. Study after study confirms you over-assume your place in
other people’s head. Allow me to demonstrate my confidence that maybe one
person is reading this: You’re not important. Anyone can find out about you
anytime, but people have neither the time nor the interest. Too few people seem
to comprehend how truly enormous and complex this world is and what an
infinitely insignificant sub-atomic nothing they are. Have some sense of
proportion, and a little humility as well.
Now that we’ve all established what small,
insignificant creatures we are, shall we all be ourselves and have a little fun
while we’re still alive. I’ll get us started:
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK! Fired up?
