Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Nearly
two years after the Syndicate officially transformed from a biennial summer
affair into an annual one, 2013 made a mockery of such modest expansion through
the blockbuster delivery of NINE separate syndicates. One yearns to use the
phrase “exponential growth” in this context, but it doesn’t even remotely fit
such a curve.
In addition to 2013 African Cup of Nations, your friendly bookie offered Lines & Odds on the 2013 World Baseball Classic, the 2013 Papal Conclave, the 2013 Confederations Cup, the 2013 UEFA Women’s European Football Championship, and three separate 2014 FIFA World Cup Qualifying Rounds.
In addition to 2013 African Cup of Nations, your friendly bookie offered Lines & Odds on the 2013 World Baseball Classic, the 2013 Papal Conclave, the 2013 Confederations Cup, the 2013 UEFA Women’s European Football Championship, and three separate 2014 FIFA World Cup Qualifying Rounds.
In all
but one of these instances (The Confederations Cup), Syndicate Members were NOT
activated in the traditional sense—with a privately-addressed introductory
“State of the Syndicate Letter”. Moreover, the books were neither promoted nor
announced through any clandestine communiqués or on any social media platforms.
It is thus entirely possible that many syndicate members aren't even aware of
these “forgotten chapters”.
Your
impracticably diligent bookie didn’t undertake such projects with anything
resembling a pragmatic goal in mind. He didn’t seek to further hone his skills,
augment his knowledge base, broaden the appeal of his bare-bones text blog, or
even keep himself minimally “plugged in”. Instead, the primary reasoning behind
the sudden profusion of Sportsbooks stemmed from the far more banal realities
of boredom and frustration.
Confronted
with a monotonous daily life and an occupation devoid of any real meaning,
contemporary human beings tend to react in different ways. This, of course,
doesn’t necessarily mean that whatever we end up doesn’t sprout from a common
foundation.
It all
begins with the unoccupied mind. A complex cerebral network left idle and
unchallenged is liable to wander to any number of metaphysical dead-ends, none
of them particularly attractive destinations. The tedium of our lives leaves us
increasingly uncertain about everything…save for the fact that we indisputably
exist.
The more indisputable existence becomes, the less tangible a concept “meaning” becomes. Consider it a variant of the “Heisenberg Uncertainly Principle”, only that this one covers the quantum mood fluctuations of the thirty-eight-year-old former English Major now frying up your Filet-o-Fish at McDonald’s.
The more indisputable existence becomes, the less tangible a concept “meaning” becomes. Consider it a variant of the “Heisenberg Uncertainly Principle”, only that this one covers the quantum mood fluctuations of the thirty-eight-year-old former English Major now frying up your Filet-o-Fish at McDonald’s.
Such
oscillations dominate the minds of most over-qualified proletariats. What to do
about it? The whole “communist revolution” thing didn’t exactly work out. It’s
also hardly befitting of the information age. For starters, even the laconic and indigent middle-aged
American Minimum Wage Worker often has far more to lose than his or her chains.
We’ve got stuff: laptops, smartphones, flatscreens, and video game consoles.
Not to say we all lord over a surplus of luxury amenities, but most of us have
some device to help numb the pain of the ensuring thought loop:
“I
exist. Magnificent. Wasn’t there something logical to be deduced from this
fact? Perhaps if I employed a little ‘reverse Descarte’. I AM, therefore…I….(er)….(duh)….(c’mon
now, what was it?)…(er)…(hmmmm)…..(godammit, think man!)….(wait a second.
That’s it!) I THINK. I THINK! I
HAVE THOUGHTS! This proves…that I exist…fuck. Now I’m back where I started.
Unless….hello iPad! Transmit the thoughts! I’ve figured it out!”
Should
anyone incorrectly assume that I condescend, I’ll bring us back full circle to
the NINE separate syndicates you’ve now incorrectly assumed I forgot about. As
Red lamented in the “Shawshank Redemption, “A man will do just about anything
to keep his mind occupied.” While life in a soul-crushingly mundane and
pedestrian job doesn’t mirror prison, a life of perfunctory routine has the
same effect. Anything to break the cycle. For the love of life and anything
deemed sacred, BREAK THE FUCKING CYCLE.
“Some
fellas post musings to their Facebook Timelines. Others assault Internet
comment sections with accusations that anyone who has ever attempted to produce
any sort of original content is ‘gay’. A few with libertarian inclinations get
to work on the next ill-fated Ron Paul campaign. Still others set up a
‘Match.Com’ Profile. A few
eccentrics write verbose text-laden blogs brimming with borderline incomprehensible
wonkishness that few, if any, are interested in reading.”
Among
the members of that final ilk one can find a certain stubborn character
originally from “Herzblut City”. For almost twelve years he’s invested an
obscene amount of time and effort to maintain vitally important contact with
other minds he happens to enjoy conversing with; albeit in perhaps the most
circuitously labyrinthine way possible. ; ) Meandering ways may yield rambling
texts, but the overall objective is accomplished when even a small clutch of
old friends checks in to place a wager or engage in some intellectual sparing.
In
that respect, the “Eight Forgotten Chapters of the Syndicate” were rollicking
successes. None of them generated statistics that someone aiming for a career
in print journalism or professional bookkeeping would take pride in, but that
bears absolutely no relevance as pertaining to our stubborn character from
Herzblut City. He’s also known as “your friendly bookie” and his life remained
very much enriched by every last one of you who chose to even minimally partake
in those eight syndicates.
Thank you brothers. Thank you for affording me the privilege to write through the nadirs of my life. It’s simply incredible how quickly valleys can turn into peaks……given that one has something to occupy one’s mind and a few close friends to share it with ; )
Thank you brothers. Thank you for affording me the privilege to write through the nadirs of my life. It’s simply incredible how quickly valleys can turn into peaks……given that one has something to occupy one’s mind and a few close friends to share it with ; )
The
2013 African Cup of Nations just barely eluded the distinction of being the
least participated in syndicate ever. That dubious honor belongs to the
subsequent chapter written on the 2013 World Baseball Classic. Those who opted
not to tune in missed a historic shift that toppled not only the tournament’s
traditional North African Powerhouses, but also saw a most unexpected casting
aside of preeminently strong contenders such as Ghana and Cote d’Ivoire. Burkina
Faso and Mali served as surprise Cinderellas.
The Nigerian Super Eagles eventually reclaimed long-lost dominance in a final result that few could have anticipated. Their seemingly unforeseeable victory in turn spurred an era of resurgence that will surely carry forward momentum into this summer’s festivities. Without any further ado, gentlemen, I give you the unforgettable tournament that flipped the African script:
The Nigerian Super Eagles eventually reclaimed long-lost dominance in a final result that few could have anticipated. Their seemingly unforeseeable victory in turn spurred an era of resurgence that will surely carry forward momentum into this summer’s festivities. Without any further ado, gentlemen, I give you the unforgettable tournament that flipped the African script:
Welcome to the “Dark Continent”. Seriously. I’m not promising electricity. Furthermore, consider yourself warned that when you stumble out of bed in the morning there’s no higher than a fifty percent chance that you’ll have running water. No point in romanticizing Africa. Wherever one finds oneself on the continent, it’s best described as a place where life gets very real very quickly. The squeamish and sensitive spoiled whiners need not apply.
Your friendly bookie once sojourned in a city called
“Bongo-land”. In reality, it had a more familiar name that geography buffs will
immediately recognize. To avoid sounding like a name-dropper, let’s just call
it the “City of Peace”. “Bongo-land” is a more apt description. For the uninitiated
(a.k.a most of you), “Bongo” is the Kiswahili word for “Brain”.
Unlike a city like Nairobi, “Bongo-land” was a city where one used one’s own wits to survive. In many ways, it was a perfect metaphor for life: Make smart decisions, be quick on your toes, and befriend the right people.
Unlike a city like Nairobi, “Bongo-land” was a city where one used one’s own wits to survive. In many ways, it was a perfect metaphor for life: Make smart decisions, be quick on your toes, and befriend the right people.
How does one explain a fascination with Africa? Much better
writers than me have tried. We’re talking MUCH, MUCH, MUCH better. Lydia
Polgreen can’t give a satisfactory answer. Jeffery Gettleman can’t put his
finger on it. Dambisa Moyo appears close to the right idea, but can’t seem to
put it in the right words.
Gettleman’s inability to articulate his love of the continent remains the most curious. How can such a brilliant journalist not explain why this continent enables one to experience life at a level so intense that it makes one grateful for drawing breath at all?
Gettleman’s inability to articulate his love of the continent remains the most curious. How can such a brilliant journalist not explain why this continent enables one to experience life at a level so intense that it makes one grateful for drawing breath at all?
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
In the
event that the “Gettlemen” reference escaped anyone, Jeffrey Gettlemen is the
Pulitzer-Prize winning East Africa Bureau Chief for the NY Times. His
well-informed and trenchant coverage of matters of genuine public interest and
massive historic significance include the Sudanese genocide, the Congolese
Civil War, the post-election Kenyan ethnic violence, the al-Shabab insurgency
in Somalia, nearly all of the political turmoil in Egypt, and America’s Shadow
Drone war in Yemen.
He’s also an indispensable source for in depth political analyses on the governments in Uganda, Tanzania, Mozambique, and Zambia just to name a few. In addition to his work in East Africa, he’s served as a war correspondent in both Iraq and Afghanistan.He’s been jailed. He’s been kidnapped, abducted, and detained on multiple continents. In summary, his courageous reporting, extensive knowledge, and gifted writing style render him nothing short of a treasure for those of us who crave salient and straightforward information about the planet on which we live.
He’s always a must read for Africa enthusiasts. Gettleman’s been quite preoccupied with commentating on the 20th anniversary of the Rwandan genocide at the moment. I, among many others, anxiously await his more nuanced take on the C.A.R. situation. When attempting to inform oneself of such a tangled ethnic conflict, one relies upon a veteran field reporter to locate the right sources and supply the pertinent information.
He’s also an indispensable source for in depth political analyses on the governments in Uganda, Tanzania, Mozambique, and Zambia just to name a few. In addition to his work in East Africa, he’s served as a war correspondent in both Iraq and Afghanistan.He’s been jailed. He’s been kidnapped, abducted, and detained on multiple continents. In summary, his courageous reporting, extensive knowledge, and gifted writing style render him nothing short of a treasure for those of us who crave salient and straightforward information about the planet on which we live.
He’s always a must read for Africa enthusiasts. Gettleman’s been quite preoccupied with commentating on the 20th anniversary of the Rwandan genocide at the moment. I, among many others, anxiously await his more nuanced take on the C.A.R. situation. When attempting to inform oneself of such a tangled ethnic conflict, one relies upon a veteran field reporter to locate the right sources and supply the pertinent information.
By the way, that doesn’t serve as my “official explanation”.
If Gettleman can’t do it, then what hope do I have? For now we’ll say that
Africa receives too much attention from celebrities who are in need of extra
attention for themselves. It’s deplorably sad. Visit a luxury hotel in East
Africa and you’ll see the photos of Bono, Angelina Jolie, some asshole hipster
from the “Vice Magazine” Team wearing a Fedora, and some German douchebag
sporting a Safari Hat and a giant check.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
In the
event that the “Vice Magazine” reference escaped anyone, Shane Smith and his
spoiled hipster cronies are a bunch of talentless bozos busy jerking themselves
off while they go on their own personal safaris. Their ill-informed and
un-informative coverage of their own “party boy” vacations would actually be
entertaining, were they not constantly bragging about what an indispensable
source of “groundbreaking new media” they are.
Expect nothing else from narcissistic hipster scum.
Contributions they’ve made to the Global Affairs Discourse include wandering around the Hindu Kush with all the investigative zeal of a bunch of lost pub-crawlers, spending a week in Kashmir boasting about how unique they are, cruising for fat chicks in Mauritania, cruising for bruised chicks in Tahrir Square, cruising for chicks with single guys in China, visiting a toxic waste dump in Iraq (naturally only taking time to inform us about how “dangerous and different” they are), looking up General Butt-Naked in Liberia whilst sophomorically smirking about the human feces on the beach, attending what passes for cock fights in Senegal, playing playground pirates in Nigeria, introducing Dennis Rodman to Kim-Jong Un, and (somehow) finding a few ultra-rightists in Eastern Europe ready to mouth off for the cameras.
Expect nothing else from narcissistic hipster scum.
Contributions they’ve made to the Global Affairs Discourse include wandering around the Hindu Kush with all the investigative zeal of a bunch of lost pub-crawlers, spending a week in Kashmir boasting about how unique they are, cruising for fat chicks in Mauritania, cruising for bruised chicks in Tahrir Square, cruising for chicks with single guys in China, visiting a toxic waste dump in Iraq (naturally only taking time to inform us about how “dangerous and different” they are), looking up General Butt-Naked in Liberia whilst sophomorically smirking about the human feces on the beach, attending what passes for cock fights in Senegal, playing playground pirates in Nigeria, introducing Dennis Rodman to Kim-Jong Un, and (somehow) finding a few ultra-rightists in Eastern Europe ready to mouth off for the cameras.
The
“Vice Crew” knows nothing of truly courageous reporting, nor will they ever. In
summary, their self-obsessed thinly veiled travelogues ensure that no one other
than they themselves is even remotely edified. Surely Shane Smith will be
headed back to Africa soon to film an “investigative segment” about what an
intrepid wunderkind he is.
Yes, he valiantly treads where NO ONE ELSE (expect for the foreign bureaus of ALL 20+ major international papers of record, PBS, NPR, the BBC, Al Jazeera, American PCVs, foreign service agents, and tens of thousands of Western freelance journalists, filmmakers, entrepreneurs, NGO Doctors/reporters/volunteers, and accredited scholars) DARE TO GO!
Perhaps we’ll learn a fact or two about the C.A.R. situation after Shane is done whining about how Canadians “fell the tallest trees”. In all likelihood, however, we’ll all simply be dumber for having watched it. When attempting to inform oneself of a nuanced international political issue, we can all do without a self-delusional fat fuck sporting a fedora.
Yes, he valiantly treads where NO ONE ELSE (expect for the foreign bureaus of ALL 20+ major international papers of record, PBS, NPR, the BBC, Al Jazeera, American PCVs, foreign service agents, and tens of thousands of Western freelance journalists, filmmakers, entrepreneurs, NGO Doctors/reporters/volunteers, and accredited scholars) DARE TO GO!
Perhaps we’ll learn a fact or two about the C.A.R. situation after Shane is done whining about how Canadians “fell the tallest trees”. In all likelihood, however, we’ll all simply be dumber for having watched it. When attempting to inform oneself of a nuanced international political issue, we can all do without a self-delusional fat fuck sporting a fedora.
We in the West tend to be preoccupied with our own menial
lives, thinking only of the “Dark Continent” when our menial hearts are
inclined toward pity. Who the hell needs pity? It’s worthless currency. Actual
currency might be preferable, but too many of us in the West happen to be short
of that ourselves.
It’s in that spirit that I wish to welcome everyone to the 8th
edition of the Syndicate. Today we celebrate the 29th Edition of the
African Cup of Nations. The 28th edition came only last year. Zambia
upset Cote d’Ivoire in a gripping finale that went into the second round of
penalties. Ordinarily, the African Cup of Nations is a biennial (once every two
years) competition. As of this year, the tournament will be held only in
odd-numbered years. There are two perfectly reasonable explanations for this.
For starters, holding the African Cup of Nations in World
Cup years was a terrible idea. The players tired out after playing as many as
70 (!!) matches for their club, their country, their club, and then their
country again. Secondly, CAF has organized a vitally important tournament
called the “African Nations Championship”.
The two tournaments must switch even/odd years for the sake of biennial suspense. This tournament, only in existence for less than four years, only allows players to play for the country in which their club resides. Such a notion combats turnover and encourages players who would otherwise be forgotten. It’s not half bad either, but thankfully the even/odd switch gives us two consecutive “African Cup of Nations”.
The two tournaments must switch even/odd years for the sake of biennial suspense. This tournament, only in existence for less than four years, only allows players to play for the country in which their club resides. Such a notion combats turnover and encourages players who would otherwise be forgotten. It’s not half bad either, but thankfully the even/odd switch gives us two consecutive “African Cup of Nations”.
Welcome to “Syndicate: Dark Continent”. All shall be
revealed in subsequent rounds.
Here are your sixteen countries vying for the continental
championship.
Group
A (Cape Verde, South Africa, Morocco, Angola)
South Africa (Winning Odds 3-1)
Bafana, Bafana returns, once again playing the roles of “hosts with the most”. Surely the pulsating backing of the vuvuzelas should prove enough to lend these Zulu warriors a decisive home pitch advantage. I mean, we all recall how impressively they performed the last time they hosted a major international competition? Er…oh damn, that’s right.
Since the flaccid Bafana walked off the Bloemfontein Pitch
in the Summer of 2010, triumphant only in that they grabbed a consolation
victory from the imploding Frogs, it’s been one calamity after another. Three
coaches, three captains, and two-and-half-years later, the hosts will trot out
a very young, untested squad operating under the auspices of a head trainer who
has no experience outside of the domestic league.
We’ll rejoin the sordid saga in October of 2011, when then
head coach Piso Mosimane botched the 2012 CAN Qualifying Campaign by
deliberately playing Sierra Leone to a conservative draw. He had incorrectly
assumed that a win against Niger and goal difference would propel his side to
the top of the group. It seemed reasonable enough, but the rules actually
stipulated that a triplicate head-to-head analysis would rule in the event of a
three-way tie for first place.
This seemingly rare event occurred, leaving Niger, Sierra Leone, and South Africa to be measured according to the four matches they had played against one another. Niger emerged as the group winners, in spite of the fact that Mosimane and his boys had already initiated victory celebrations. Such an innocent oversight might have been forgivable, but for the fact South Africa only qualified for the 2008 CAN under precisely the same rules.
This seemingly rare event occurred, leaving Niger, Sierra Leone, and South Africa to be measured according to the four matches they had played against one another. Niger emerged as the group winners, in spite of the fact that Mosimane and his boys had already initiated victory celebrations. Such an innocent oversight might have been forgivable, but for the fact South Africa only qualified for the 2008 CAN under precisely the same rules.
Following this national embarrassment, a prolonged 2012
winless streak left the boys limping into the 2014 World Cup Qualifying Round.
When the listless Bafana could only eke out a languid draw against Ethiopia in
the opening match, Mosimane was quickly sacked as the SAFA scrambled to find
someone who might rescue their suddenly perilous qualifying hopes. They
eventually brought domestic league legend Gordon Igesund, who has already
failed in his primary charge: Convincing captain Steven Pienaar not to retire.
The talismanic Pienaar will remain Merseyside for the
duration of the competition, potentially leaving Bafana rudderless during a
critical juncture during which some young yet raw talent finally begins to
emerge. The team still features many competent veterans such as Katlego Mphela,
Siyabonga Sangwegi, Tsepo Masilela and (my personal favorite returning cast
member….ever) Siphwe Tshabalala.
In addition, Igesund has shown remarkable courage in picking his squad. Youngsters Thulani Serero, May Mahlangu, and (watch out for this kid!) Tokelo Rantie may not be Premiership Stars yet, but they are of the caliber. Some superb performances here will surely earn them top-slight transfers next window.
In addition, Igesund has shown remarkable courage in picking his squad. Youngsters Thulani Serero, May Mahlangu, and (watch out for this kid!) Tokelo Rantie may not be Premiership Stars yet, but they are of the caliber. Some superb performances here will surely earn them top-slight transfers next window.
In the end, call me a fool, but this bookie is forced to
conclude that the squad’s recent failures leave it underrated. Running down the
roster, a trip to the semi-finals isn't inconceivable at all. All that has
transpired over the past 30 months matters not once that opening whistle blows.
An early moment of magic from someone like Malmo forward Rantie might spark
something special. More specifically, this team appears qualified to ride an
early momentum wave. Hell, they did so in 1996.
C’mon Bafana! STOP DISAPOINTING ME! Get out of this torpid
little funk. Justify my stubborn, insipid belief in you! Bring me my machine
gun! Shoot the Boer! Perform a “Wildcat Strike” on the pitch for a change!
Okay….I can almost already tell that I’m going to regret
this.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Bafana
managed to heed the call and give their deserving fans something to cheer for.
Mostly on the backs of Sangweni and Mahlungu, Igesunds inspired warriors
shocked all the oddsmakers by topping the group with impressive performances
against favored sides Angola and Morocco. After somewhat embarrassingly bowing
out against the Eagles of Mali on penalties in the quarterfinals, the boys
carried a hefty amount of forward momentum into the resumption of World Cup
Qualifying. Unfortunately, a heart-breaking own goal from lead striker Bernard
Parker against Ethiopia brought their rejuvenated run to a close and sunk their
qualifying hopes for good. Until next time, mates.
COOL NAME ALERT—South Africa
1) MF Siphwe Tshbalala
Do I even need to write anything here? I’ve been commenting
on the sheer, unadulterated awesomeness of this man’s name for over three
years. When he set the world ablaze with the opening goal of the 2010
Festivities….I knew God must have been regularly reading the syndicate. Thought
better of it a few moments later after realizing that both God and regular
syndicate readers don’t exist. Still, it was a semi spiritual moment. I’m so
glad this baller is back!
2) MF Reneilwe Lesothoyanye
Oh yes. Worth tuning in just to see how they fit the man’s
name on the jersey.
3) FW Lehlohonolo Majuro
Hi there! I’d like to buy an ‘o’. What’s that you say, Pat?
Fresh out of ‘o’s? Well, hell.
4) MF Bernard Parker
I know what you’re thinking. You racist asshole. Admit it.
You’re thinking THIS is the token white guy on the team. Well guess what?
YOU’RE WRONG! He’s black. So there.
5) MF Dean Furnam
I know what you’re thinking. You racist asshole. Admit it.
You’re thinking THIS is the token white guy on the team. Well guess what? YOU’RE…okay.
You’re right.
They had to pick one. The former Glasgow Rangers youth
prospect has been doing…well…not a hell of a lot playing for Oldham Athletic in
England’s Third Tier. Look…they had to do something. Did you think Matthew
Booth was talented in any significant way? They just needed that one white guy
who didn’t grow up playing Cricket, Rugby, Golf, Tennis, rowing Crew or (I shot
you not, I swear) playing that popular South African game of American Baseball.
Somehow Dean Furnam grew up playing football. I have no idea
how. He was born to Jewish parents in Cape Town. Then something happened. I
have no idea what.
Morocco (Winning Odds 3-1)
Welcome to the first installment of “Your friendly bookie doesn’t much care to expend too much energy on North Africa”. Meh. What can I say? These are Arab countries. I find myself as captivated by the political changes brought about by the Arab Spring as the next armchair geopolitical analyst.
I commend the denizens of Morocco for successfully pressuring King Mohammed VI into delegating still more authority to the bicameral assembly. I admire your safe tourist zones, your largely independent judiciary, and…yawn…anyone else finding themselves more bored than usual?
Editor’s retroactive notes:
(raising
my hand)
I consider it a terrible travesty when North African
countries capture the continental crown…as was the case when Tunisia did in
2004, and the Pharaohs of Egypt did on three consecutive occasions from to 2006
to 2010. Taken together, that’s an entire decade without a Sub-Saharan African
Champion. Grrr..One of these Sportsbooks never seems complete until I crankily
bitch about the need for FIFA to split Africa.
Sub-Saharan Africa should have it’s own division. North Africa should be either part of Asia or a new “Middle East” Region. Hell, we’ll even take them in Europe. We’ve already got Russia, Turkey, Israel, and three quarters of the “Stans” West of China. What’s a few more North African States that can’t seem to go a week without failing to sending a boat so pitifully constructed that it can’t traverse the Mediterranean without it capsizing?
Sub-Saharan Africa should have it’s own division. North Africa should be either part of Asia or a new “Middle East” Region. Hell, we’ll even take them in Europe. We’ve already got Russia, Turkey, Israel, and three quarters of the “Stans” West of China. What’s a few more North African States that can’t seem to go a week without failing to sending a boat so pitifully constructed that it can’t traverse the Mediterranean without it capsizing?
I sincerely hope we won’t see another North African
Champion. Unfortunately, this remains a serious possibility. The Moroccans
bring in tote to South Africa a young, talented, and hungry squad. Karim El
Ahmadi may be nothing more than an overpaid midfield anchor that exemplifies
why Aston Villa is tanking, but he still possesses the skills to light it up in
this competition.
Younes Belhanda, Abelhamid Kaotauri, Mounir El Hamdaoui, Nordin Amrabat, and Mehdi Benatia are budding stars at their respective French, Italian, and Turkish top-flight clubs. And we haven’t even gotten to Oussama Asaidi, who has mostly been warming the Liverpool bench this season. That doesn’t mean he’s not a spectacular player, just a year removed from a sublime season in the Dutch Erdevisie. He’s hungry for some action and will definitely get his chance.
Younes Belhanda, Abelhamid Kaotauri, Mounir El Hamdaoui, Nordin Amrabat, and Mehdi Benatia are budding stars at their respective French, Italian, and Turkish top-flight clubs. And we haven’t even gotten to Oussama Asaidi, who has mostly been warming the Liverpool bench this season. That doesn’t mean he’s not a spectacular player, just a year removed from a sublime season in the Dutch Erdevisie. He’s hungry for some action and will definitely get his chance.
In summation….it simply isn’t fair. North Africans are more
frequently scouted for European play and are more frequently afforded the
opportunity to hone their skills in the top leagues. Damn you, bastards.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
(Zero
blowback from North Africans for my rather harsh treatment of their region.
Hehe. Indeed, not actively promoting a blog has it’s advantages)
COOL NAME ALERT—Morocco
NONE. Have I mentioned that this is a country comprised of
99.9% Berber Arabs? I need diverse names!
Angola (Winning Odds 7-1)
Viva la Black Antelopes! I’m positively giddy about seeing this country compete again. That isn’t to suggest that I have in any way forgotten the shameful fatal attack by Cabndian Rebels when they shot up the Togolese convoy during the 2010 African Cup of Nations. Christ, what a terrible episode. Every football lover recalls that abhorrently horrendous day. Much like Adebayor and the entire Togolese squad, I was out after that.
As hosts that year, the Angolans bore the responsibility of
providing adequate security. The possibility that the country’s endemic civil
strife would spill over into an opportunistic strike against military escorts
should have been anticipated. Shame on all those involved in the logistics.
Angola should have been punished, not Togo.
Of course, we must ultimately put such tragic occurrences
behind us. After all, the Angolans were not actually the perpetrators of such
heinous acts. Some dickless separatist rebels were. The victims included all
those involved in the tournament, including football lovers worldwide. If there
remains something to be resentful toward, let’s settle on those arbitrary 1884
borders. There we are. Place the blame on Bismarck and move on…
The Black Antelopes were one of the real treats of the 2006
World Cup in Germany. Arguably the weakest team in the tournament, they fought
exceedingly hard to supply us all with some thoroughly entertaining football.
That team also featured colorful characters like Flavio, Titi Buego, Lebo Lebo,
and Akwa. The fans were an instant hit in beloved old Deutschland, as was the
only AFRICAN coach to actually coach an AFRICAN team (Luis Olivera Gonclaves).
Current squad director Gustavo Ferrin is a Uruguayan who
arrived from across the pond just last summer. His team selection reeks of
insecurity and desperation. In the past month he’s called up a now 33-year-old
Flavio, a nearly 34-year-old Love, along with well past-their-prime elders Dede
and Gilberto.
The use of such “blasts from tournament’s past” will likely
prove decisively dumb, given the tantamount importance of speed in the African
game, particularly in the middle of the pitch. There is hope in that strikers
Manucho and Matheus appear in peak form…but that will matter little if no one
can generate some useful feeders.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Your
friendly bookie did receive some modest flak for continually emphasizing the
tragic events that took place at the 2010 African Cup of Nations. One Syndicate
member suggested that I brandished such obscure knowledge as a way of making
myself feel superior. Who do you take me for? Shane Smith?
The
tragic realities of football related violence are, in point of fact, a topic
I’d much prefer to eschew. Acknowledging the existence of regular riots, the
ever-growing presence of sophisticated militarized units at matches across
Europe, the invariable deaths arising from hooliganism, and any events linking football
with political violence is painful enough. Composing appropriately thoughtful
words on the irrefutable connection between my personal favorite leisure
activity and ghastly inhumane acts isn’t a charge I take up with much
enthusiasm.
Nevertheless, we cannot simply opt to collectively forget atrocious events such as the Escobar murder, the Egyptian melees, the Togolese attack, or any number of more recent events such as the pre-match murder of a father of four in Sweden or the post-match litany of injuries in Croatia. Tragic occurrences such as these are so prevalent that one can expect to read about them nearly every week.
Nevertheless, we cannot simply opt to collectively forget atrocious events such as the Escobar murder, the Egyptian melees, the Togolese attack, or any number of more recent events such as the pre-match murder of a father of four in Sweden or the post-match litany of injuries in Croatia. Tragic occurrences such as these are so prevalent that one can expect to read about them nearly every week.
To
touch on all of them in detail would leave no room for the irreverent fun we
hope to immerse ourselves in. Thus, I don’t necessarily consider it an
altogether unreasonable expectation that some of the most heinous atrocities
receive a regular mention. I find it just as sickening as you do, but certain
stories shouldn’t be allowed to lapse from one’s consciousness.
COOL NAME ALERT—Angola
NOTE: Portuguese rules remain in effect. Be advised that
someone actually named Franco Sergio Jorge Fernando Maria Nueva Mendes da Silva
will choose to be identified simply as “Fromo” or something similarly
innocuous.
1) FW Flavio Da Silva Amando (a.k.a “Flavio”)
I’m almost positive I’ve written this before, but I reserve
the right to name my firstborn “Flavio”. “Flavio Weis”. He’ll come out of the
womb sporting a leather jacket and greased back jet-black hair whilst
brandishing a switchblade. Wait a second. That would make him a Wop. Nevermind.
Forget it. Someone else can have Flavio.
2) FW Jose Pierre Vunguidica (a.k.a “Jose Pierre
Vunguidica”)
What’s this now? This guy didn’t get the memo? You’re
supposed to have a nickname! Evidently his third tier Bundesliga teammates at
SV Wehen Wiesbaden haven’t given him one yet. Inexcusable! Alright. Who desires
a betting credit? This guy needs a name. “Vungu”, “Jopivu”, “Errev”, “Vuvu”,
whatever. I obstinately refuse to type this name out more than twice!
3) FW Arsenio Sebastiao Cabungula (a.k.a “Love”)
Now this isn't fair. You can’t simply deem yourself “Love”.
I mean, in theory you can. You can anoint yourself “Meta Worldpeace” if you
happen to possess a boring name such as “Ron Artest”. Nevertheless, in this
instance, he forewent two potentially great names in “Arsenio” and “Cabungula”.
The world needs another “Arsenio” to complement the triangular-jawed former talk show host and “Cabungula” successfully merges the name of an autocratic first century Roman Caesar with the emphatic battle cry of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I’m disappointed. There’s no such thing as “God”, “a regular syndicate reader” or “love”! That’s the way it is, people. Deal with it.
The world needs another “Arsenio” to complement the triangular-jawed former talk show host and “Cabungula” successfully merges the name of an autocratic first century Roman Caesar with the emphatic battle cry of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I’m disappointed. There’s no such thing as “God”, “a regular syndicate reader” or “love”! That’s the way it is, people. Deal with it.
Cape Verde (Winning Odds 11-1)
Er…right. Apparently, the Seychelles couldn’t make it. They had a “business lunch”. The “one-two” 2012/2013 Punch has lent this tournament some much-needed diversity. The 2012 affair featured a record three countries competing for the first time in ANY sort of international stage.
Last year, the boys from the Kalahari Bush (otherwise known as the Botswana Zebras) somehow managed to sneak in. Niger punched through surprisingly and Equatorial Guinea made their debut as co-hosts.
Such an unfamiliar makeup represented a marked shift from
previous years, and a welcome one at that. In far too many previous tournaments
one could likely rattle off the names of the contesting countries without even
following the qualifying rounds.
The traditional West African powerhouses (Cote d’Ivoire, Nigeria, Cameroon, Senegal and Ghana) would be present alongside the Northwest mainstays (Algeria, Morocco, Egypt and Tunisia) with a perhaps a token Southern Country (Angola, Mozambique, or East Africa) thrown in for good measure.
The traditional West African powerhouses (Cote d’Ivoire, Nigeria, Cameroon, Senegal and Ghana) would be present alongside the Northwest mainstays (Algeria, Morocco, Egypt and Tunisia) with a perhaps a token Southern Country (Angola, Mozambique, or East Africa) thrown in for good measure.
The times may be a-changing, though the pace can seem
agonizingly glacial. The competition remains predominantly a West African
Affair; with Ethiopia’s return after a thirty-plus year absence the only
country giving residents east of the Congo reason to cheer. Then there’s this
former Portuguese colonial archipelago, situated a few hundred miles due Wet of
the Senegalese coast.
Upon first learning that I would have to compose something
on Cape Verde, I’ll admit to some fleeting excitement at the prospect of
discussing how two jumbo jets collided on a runway, killing 583 people all
because a Dumbass Dutchmen couldn’t get the basics of taxing straight. The only
problem with ruminating on that carnage is that….well..I looked it up that
actually happened on the CANARY ISLANDS, some thousands of kilometers north.
Oops.
So –sadly-- no carnage then, but at least we have an
intriguing football team to discuss. The Blue Sharks shocked the Indomitable
Lions of Cameroon (whose glory days now appear officially over) to qualify for
their first-ever notable international tournament. CS Maritimo forward Heldon
Nhuck capped a magnificent qualifying round with a scorcher of an away goal
right in front of a demoralized crowd at the Stade Ahmadou Ahidjo.
Nhuck headlines a balanced team filled with names immediately recognizable to followers of the Portuguese Primeira and France’s Ligue Une. The preponderance of European first stringers proves enough to give these Creoles the highest FIFA ranking of those in Group A.
Nhuck headlines a balanced team filled with names immediately recognizable to followers of the Portuguese Primeira and France’s Ligue Une. The preponderance of European first stringers proves enough to give these Creoles the highest FIFA ranking of those in Group A.
Ahem…syndicate regulars may correctly deduce what comes
next. FUCK THE FIFA Rankings!! Utterly useless! Fit for wrapping kitty litter
and nothing more. I personally don’t see the sharks swimming out of the group.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
COOL NAME ALERT—Cape Verde
Two
Syndicate Members couldn’t resist taking Cape Verde on the 11-1 winning odds.
It was a hopelessly quixotic long-shot, but evidently even some gentlemen wish
to believe in the existence of unicorns ; ) ;) Admittedly, the heartfelt bets
led to some minor heart palpitations for your friendly bookie as the Blue
Sharks unexpectedly made the quarterfinals and hung tough against the Black
Stars until the waning moments of the match.
Had I stuck to the odds calculated in my original draft, Cape Verde would have debuted at 22-1. Presumably this would have enticed a third and fourth syndicate member to scoop up an even tastier special and profess belief in unicorns ; ) ; )
Had I stuck to the odds calculated in my original draft, Cape Verde would have debuted at 22-1. Presumably this would have enticed a third and fourth syndicate member to scoop up an even tastier special and profess belief in unicorns ; ) ; )
COOL NAME ALERT—Cape Verde
NOTE: Portuguese rules remain in effect. Be advised that
someone actually named Franco Sergio Jorge Fernando Maria Nueva Mendes da Silva
will choose to be identified simply as “Fromo” or something similarly
innocuous.
1) GK Fredson Jorge Ramos Tavarez (a.k.a “Fock”)
What? You don’t like the name this cat selected for himself?
Well, “Fock” you then! Retired Bayern Keeper Hans-Jörg Butt must resist every
urge to collaborate with this guy on any sort of joint charitable initiative. I
somehow don’t think we’re ready for the “Butt-Fock” Foundation.
2) RB Carlos Emmanuel Soares Tavares (a.k.a “Carlitos”)
You know this guy? Yeah, maybe you don’t remember him. Maybe
there’s been some mis-fuckin-understanding. Maybe you don’t give a shit. Maybe
you don’t remember the last time you blew your nose either.
Who the fuck is he? You should remember him? What? You think
he’s like you? He a’int like you motherfucker. He’s a punk! He’s been hanging
around with some chain-snitchin, jive-ass motherfuckers!
Oh you know him. He’s Carlito Brigante motherfucker to the
max! That’s who he is! And he don’t know you. He doesn’t owe you. Saso does.
It’s his place now. His rules. Everybody pays. He knows you. He didn’t invite
this shit. It just comes to him.
Oh, you up against him now, mother fuckers. You think you’re big time?
You’re gonna die big time. HERE COMES THE PAIN!
*sigh* One drawback about getting older is that I retain
very little recollection of the actual plot from 1993’s “Carlito’s Way”. Other
than remembering it as a decent flick, all that remains are hazy images of Al
Pacino engaging in about fifty conversations with ancillary characters about
who “knows” who, who doesn’t “know” who, who should “know”, and who “knew” who
before “forgetting” who.
3) FB Pericles Pereira (a.k.a “Pecks”)
Yeah I knew a guy named “Pecks” once. It was indeed sad
times when he stopped coming around the Bathhouse.
4) MF David Mendes da Silva (a.k.a. “David Silva”)
NO!! I cry foul. This isn’t allowed! No fucking fair.
Dammit. You’ve got to stop doing this to me, Portuguese/Spanish Peeps. Bad
enough you have fifty thousand “Ronaldo” variations. I expressly forbid there
to be two David Silvas! Do I make myself clear?! We already have a David Silva,
the Spanish international superstar who plays for Man City.
From know on, this footballer shall be known as “David Mendes”. What? We have one of those already too? Fuck it. As a U.S. Citizen with a black family I’m invoking insane naming rights. Henceforth, this player shall be known as Debrickashaw Anfernee da Silva. End of discussion.
From know on, this footballer shall be known as “David Mendes”. What? We have one of those already too? Fuck it. As a U.S. Citizen with a black family I’m invoking insane naming rights. Henceforth, this player shall be known as Debrickashaw Anfernee da Silva. End of discussion.
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (3 to 1 odds for bookie):
1)
Morocco
2) South
Africa
3) Cape
Verde
4)
Angola
Quarterfinal
Odds:
Morocco
(Straight up) South
Africa (Straight up) Cape
Verde (2 to 1) Angola
(2 to 1)
Group
B (Ghana, Mali, Democratic Republic of the Congo, Niger)
Ghana (Winning Odds--Straight up)
Settle down, Americans. I know full well of your hatred for Jerry Rawling’s “Black Stars”. Calm and collected now, Yank bettors. I know they eliminated your country in 2006 and then again in 2010. It’s okay, my poor forlorn friends. Everything will be okay.
When one actually invests some time into reflecting on the
evolving fortunes of the Gold Coast Republic in international football, it’s
truly an awe-inspiring tale. These beasts were always dominant on the African
Stage, making it to a record nine-semifinals, winning four titles, while
finishing second another four times.
(For those not necessarily well versed in some quick tournament arithmetic, that’s four titles + four title game losses + one third place match win = nine semifinals). Sorry. You know us Germans. Always obsessed with the semi-finals.
(For those not necessarily well versed in some quick tournament arithmetic, that’s four titles + four title game losses + one third place match win = nine semifinals). Sorry. You know us Germans. Always obsessed with the semi-finals.
Irrespective of their success, this continental behemoth
first popped up on my radar screen. Here’s what I wrote about them in 2006,
accompanied with retroactive notes from 2012:
From “ WM 2006--The Curse of the Syndicate--Intro”:
“Ghana
Hey…who
are these guys? Why it’s Jerry Rawling’s “Black Stars”, four-time African Cup
of Nations Champions qualifying for their FIRST EVER FIFA World Cup. They’re
situated in an extremely difficult group, but may turn a few heads with their
starpower. They’ve got Chelsea’s Michael Essien, Dortmund’s Matthew Amoah,
Rennes’ Johnny Mensah, and Udinese’s Asamoah Gyan, and Copenhagen’s Razak
Pimpong! This talented bunch looks to galvanize the African continent by
beating the U.S. for a place in the Round of Sixteen. West Africa rises!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Oh
man. This team assumed the mantle of “The Great African Hope”, eliminating the
U.S. both this time AND in 2010. Some players I neglected to mention included
future Fulham star John Paintsil. Juventus’s own Stephen Appiah, Non-German
related Derek Boateng, and soon-to-be Inter specialist Shelley Muntari. These
boys gave us quite a show, complete with Israeli Flags, improbable smackdowns,
and downright blatant straightforwardly entertaining football. Expect nothing
less from one of Africa’s finest democracies. Can’t wait to see my Black Stars
back in action!”
That year they would boot the Americans out during the Group
Stages after a controversial penalty. It was indeed a lousy call. I saw fit to
offer over two pages in detailed condolences. That was all well and good. The
rage subsided and I was able to write this glowing farewell to Ghana one match
later
From “WM 2006 --The Curse of the Syndicate—Quarterfinals”
Ghana
Give
it up for the “Black Stars”. Africa will rise again in no small part thanks to
this team. This 1982 African Cup of Nations Champion is back in a big way,
poised to claim some silverware in the coming years. Asamoah Gyan is only
twenty. How limitless the world is at that age! Other early Vicenarians include
Michael Essien, Stephen Appiah, John Mensah, Habib Mohammed, John Pantsil,
Razak Pimpong, and Sulley Muntari. We behold an extremely young team that will
return to go even further in subsequent tournaments.
Prospects for peace never appeared better. It was such that
I wrote this during the 2009 Qualifying Round.
From “WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with Avengeance”
“Ghana
Congratulations
to the Gold Coast Republic on what has been a spectacular year! Note to Cote
d’Ivoire: Now that you’ve been independent for some years, perhaps you might
consider ditching the name of your oppressive colonial exploiters?
Aesthetically, it rings somewhat cruel to name a country after an export that
has caused so much suffering. Should we also call Congo “Rubberland”, Guinea
“The People’s Republic of Bauxite”, and South Africa “The DeBeers
Confederation”??
Returning
to Ghana, this country has surged up of the Rothberg, Ibrahim, and the HDI
Indexes! In addition to progress in alleviating poverty, Ghana has, over the
past year, replaced Kenya as Africa’s model for stability and good governance.
The new administration acknowledged as much, scheduling Ghana as Obama’s first
(and as of yet only) African stop.
So
what do we have to look forward to on the pitch? Michael Essien for starters.
Haven’t seem nearly enough of him on a packed “Chelski” Squad this season. My
boys from da “Dorf” (TSG Hoffenheim) Tagoe and Vorsah should also be available!
I’m also looking forward to the first cross directed at striker Junior Agogo.
“He’s going for Agogo!”
I owe the Ghanaians a great debt of gratitude. U.S. Fans might recall the vast sums of money I snatched from your prideful purses after that 2-1 defeat in 2006. Hehehe. Let’s do it again boys!”
It was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Tongue-in-cheek for
chrissake! No one could have predicted that the Black Stars would once again
eliminate Sam’s Army in semi-controversial fashion the next summer. I tried my
best to ameliorate the situation. (Non-existent) Lord knows I tried.
From WM 2010—“Attack of the Syndicate”—Day 16 Recap:
“Two
teams I wish were still around have had their dream terminated. Nothing trite
to say today, U.S. fans. You proved yourselves worthy over the last two weeks.
I’ll even resolve to watch a minimum of two MLS Games this season. That goes
for the nascent K-League as well. We may have a blast poking fun at one another
over the last two weeks, but when it comes to the final heartbreak, the
fraternal order of football fans must share the tears and always be ready to
join in on a kitschy rendition of “You’ll never walk alone.”
To
illustrate how tight these matches are at this stage, barely better weather
might have helped the Koreans finish better. Likewise, had Bradley opted to
start Edu instead of Clark, or even Buddle instead of Findley, we might be
looking at a different result. Jozey Hercules, and Feilhaber also missed
chances that strikers will ordinarily have the composure to take. Don’t give
up, American and Korean football fans!”
It was to no avail. A scant few days later, the Ghanaians
would be eliminated in that ridiculously epic Uruguayan match. Again, to no
avail. You may think I led you through this stroll down memory lane in a
narcissistic attempt to jerk myself off. You may even be correct to a very
minute degree. In sincere truth, I merely wished to emphasize that American
football fans bear a deep-seated hatred for Ghana….and it’s not going away.
If only the Americans could truly appreciate the power of this team…what the Black Stars have meant to Africa over the past six years. Alas, you crushed their hopes and you really can’t blame them for being bitter.
If only the Americans could truly appreciate the power of this team…what the Black Stars have meant to Africa over the past six years. Alas, you crushed their hopes and you really can’t blame them for being bitter.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
And
the saga continues!! Welcome to Group G Black Stars! The next chapter commences
this Summer.
Very well. Enough about the past. Let’s discuss this latest
incarnation of the Black Stars. So many old friends are back for the ride.
Former Sunderland star Asamoah Gyan may be playing in the U.A.E, but he’s in
the best form of his life and perfectly suited to captain this team. Juventus
finally forked over the cash for Kwadwo Asamoah and he’s not spurned the
opportunity.
John Paintsil returns! I’ll remind you no fewer than one thousand times that he was the brave one who pulled the Israeli flag out of his shorts in order to convey a blatant “fuck you” to Ahmadinejad during the 2006 World Cup Finals. I may not be the most pro-Israeli writer you’ll find on the blogosphere, but I’m definitely pro “fuck you, Ahmadinejad”. Jonathan Mensah returns as well, along with Derek Boateng, Isaac Vorsah and Emmanuel Agyemang-Badu.
John Paintsil returns! I’ll remind you no fewer than one thousand times that he was the brave one who pulled the Israeli flag out of his shorts in order to convey a blatant “fuck you” to Ahmadinejad during the 2006 World Cup Finals. I may not be the most pro-Israeli writer you’ll find on the blogosphere, but I’m definitely pro “fuck you, Ahmadinejad”. Jonathan Mensah returns as well, along with Derek Boateng, Isaac Vorsah and Emmanuel Agyemang-Badu.
Some faces we shall miss include the displaced Sulley
Muntari, the retired Richard Kingson, the in-crisis Michael Essien, the retired
Eric Addo, the retired Matthew Amoah, the inexplicably omitted Andre Ayew, and
the equally inexplicably omitted Agyemang Opoku.
Hopes rest squarely on the shoulders of relative tyros
Albert Adomah, Christian Atsu Twasam, Mubarak Wakaso, Mohammed Rabiu, and John
Boye. It’s do or die time for midfielder Anthony Annan. Schalke has farmed him
out to clubs far and wide. Will he finally be prepared to step up?
COOL NAME
ALERT—Ghana
1) MF Solomon Assante
Wise Jewish King combined with the Swahili word for “thank
you”. I’m sold.
2) MF Kevin Prince-Boateng
Hah! Fooled you. This ugly, dirty motherfucker announced his
international retirement over a year ago. A factor enhanced the Black Star’s
chances: This shithead is gone.
3) FW Yahaya Mohammed
By curious coincidence, this was how Mohammed’s initial
followers reacted when he proudly proclaimed that God had lifted up to observe
Paradise. “A paradise in the after-life? YAHAYA!”
Mali (Winning Odds 3-1)
Godamned right, we’re prepared to watch some football. Ansar Dine be damned, we’re watching some football. Fuck these useless fuckers. Even after the temporary loss of Konne, even with these primitive barbarians at the gates of Sévaré, even with the historic city of Timbuktu occupied by these savages, WE WILL WATCH FOOTBALL!!
Excuse my heated passion. No….on second thought, DO NOT EXCUSE
MY HEATED PASSION. I’ve a few things to say. Ideally, we’ll find time for a
“Mailbag Section”. This particular “Mailbag Section” may end up being an “All
Death Threat Edition”, but let’s say it anyway.
FUCK ANSAR DINE!
FUCK BOKO HARAM!
FUCK AL SHABAB!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Syndicate
members haven’t seen the last of this mantra either. It shall be attached to
words on the Super Eagles.
Fuck all of you useless, testicle-less, cock-chugging pieces
of shit. Fuck you. Fuck everything you stand for. Fuck your mothers too. Used
toilet paper has more value than your meaningless lives. Anyone who kills
innocent people for the innocent crime of watching a football match deserves to
die a slow and painful death. Anyone who attacks graduation ceremonies deserves
to have their balls cut off and fed to them so that they may choke on their own
pathetic excuse for manhood. Naturally, you’ll have trouble choking on your own
balls…considering how small they are.
Apologies for the ultra-militant tone, but I wish nothing
but a fiery death for these losers who have loosely affiliated themselves with
Al Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb. Primordial imbeciles. All of you! Ordinarily,
the syndicate features a hefty dose of French bashing.
Not this time. Hollande finally grew a pair and ordered that you feckless fucktards be bombed into oblivion. Die you worthless sacks of shit. DIE! No Paradise awaits you. You’ll simply cease to exist. Your consciousness expires along with your breath. The world you leave behind will move on, without even the slightest memory of your insignificant existence. Your day comes. DIE!!
Not this time. Hollande finally grew a pair and ordered that you feckless fucktards be bombed into oblivion. Die you worthless sacks of shit. DIE! No Paradise awaits you. You’ll simply cease to exist. Your consciousness expires along with your breath. The world you leave behind will move on, without even the slightest memory of your insignificant existence. Your day comes. DIE!!
Whew..okay. Let’s take a moment to regain composure. Look, I
assure you I’m not the “Kony 2012” kid. I may thoroughly enjoy masturbation,
but I have no plans to pursue it in public. Furthermore, I’m no American
Zealot. If Americans actually cared about the travails of African countries
facing the perils of Islamic incursion from the North, we would have sent
troops by now. Lastly, there’s the matter of intense personal vexation with
what is presently going on in America.
At present, nearly every American citizen has found himself
or herself trapped in a conversation with a gun nut who claims that his fully
automatic assault rifle enables him to courageously defend himself against the
oppressive American government that aims to take away his individual liberty.
As mentioned above, the U.S. is mostly a “Fairy Tale Land”. We just make up
this nonsense, pulling it directly out of our ass if need be.
In reality, there happens to be a country that requires a militia with fully automatic machine guns to fight against the tyranny of painfully oppressive ignorance. That would be Mali. Citizens should be armed…prepared to fend off an invasion of 11th Century Ignorance.
In reality, there happens to be a country that requires a militia with fully automatic machine guns to fight against the tyranny of painfully oppressive ignorance. That would be Mali. Citizens should be armed…prepared to fend off an invasion of 11th Century Ignorance.
In these conversations that unavoidably took place over the
past month, I’ve done my utmost to convince nearly every zealot that their
dream of being part of a well-regulated militia that fights tyrannical
governance is very much alive and well. All they have to do is pack up the
AR-15’s and head for Mali. Thus far results have proved less than stellar…okay
they’ve proved an abject failure. First there’s the small matter of showing
Americans where Mali is.
Trust me when I say that that particular exercise amounts to small potatoes. Locate a map and you’re done. They far more challenging task involves convincing Americans that they are not, in fact, the wildly and terribly influential individual people they consider themselves. It’s damn near impossible. They’re invariably the “guardians” of something indefinably important. We’re fucked.
Trust me when I say that that particular exercise amounts to small potatoes. Locate a map and you’re done. They far more challenging task involves convincing Americans that they are not, in fact, the wildly and terribly influential individual people they consider themselves. It’s damn near impossible. They’re invariably the “guardians” of something indefinably important. We’re fucked.
So should we talk about “The Eagles” already? Yes we shall.
Modibo Maiga has made his contribution to West Ham’s resurgence. Mahamidou
Diarra has Fulham saying “Dempsey, Who”? Aboue Traoré is back with Bordeaux…and
for good reason. Samba Diakite is Harry Redknapp’s new hero…also for good
reason. Are we looking for heroes, Africa? Look no further.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
The
stars did indeed align for the Eagles of Mali. Although their performances in
the group stages and quarterfinals couldn’t exactly be described as inspired,
the doggedly persistent “little nation that could” eked their way to the semis
and, by extension, the third place match. There they claimed their first
international scalp with a stunning upset rout of the heavily-favored Black
Stars. Concurrently, the French foreign legion pushed Ansar Dine back into the
desolate hole from whence they slunk. Good times all around. Decisive victories
both on and off the pitch.
COOL NAME ALERT—Mali
1) DF Mahamadou N’Diaye
Once befriended an African named
“Amadou Mahamadou”. Good man. “Adou” to all the “Adieus” out there….with the
possible exception of Gerard Depardieu, who is a useless tax dodger who can’t
stop pissing on the floor of first-class compartments.
2) MF Samba Sow
Alliteration can’t be beat. In
German “Sow” is pronounced “Sau”, which means “pig”. In English, “Sow” is
pronounced “Sew”, which means…according to Julie Andrews at least…. “a needle
pulling thread”. In Swahili, “Sow” is pronounced “Sour”, as in “Sawasawa”, or
“very nice indeed.” This player hit all of my limited language knowledge.
Blessings be upon him.
Democratic Republic of Congo (Winning Odds 4-1)
To make matters absolutely clear and comprehensible, we refer here to the former Zaire. Joseph Kabila, “M-23”, the capture of Goma, etc. Hmmm…fair to say that we remain somewhat muddled. No, I wasn’t addressing you, Syndicate Member 23-M. No I speak not of “M-23”, the tradition highway Derby between Brighton and Crystal Palace.
We’re talking of the “March 23rd Movement”, the latest flare up out by the Great Lakes. Here we go again…..or perhaps not.
As of this writing, a tenuous peace holds, the disaffected
militia has mostly withdrawn from North Kivu, and no one really seems to have
the stomach for a second “African World War”…at least not less than a decade
after the first one. Plenty of grounds for optimism.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Hey, ho. Where were we? Oh right. Football. Thank God for football. The Leopards upset Equatorial Guinea during the qualifying stages to earn their first CAN berth since 2006. Anderlecht super striker Dieumerci Mbokani essentially hoisted the entire team up on shoulders, grabbing three goals including a brace during the unexpected romp in Kinshasa.
He’s joined in attack by newly signed Anderlecht teammate Mulota “Papy” Kabangu. Already accustomed to playing with one another, the two should constitute a formidable attack, provided former Black Stars head coach Claude Le Roy is wise enough to deploy them both.
It took another nine months, but Goma was eventually liberated and the M23 Rebels were gradually pushed back into eastern Kivu. With the possible exception that the true extent of Rwandan involvement was never fully discerned, optimal post-conflict outcomes were attained. Most high-ranking leaders of the rebellion surrendered unconditionally and a small handful were even successfully delivered to The Hague. The movement officially ended in November 2013. A gruesome human toll continues to unfold with each inquiry, but hope remains that the various judicial apparati will yield fair prosecutorial judgments.
Hey, ho. Where were we? Oh right. Football. Thank God for football. The Leopards upset Equatorial Guinea during the qualifying stages to earn their first CAN berth since 2006. Anderlecht super striker Dieumerci Mbokani essentially hoisted the entire team up on shoulders, grabbing three goals including a brace during the unexpected romp in Kinshasa.
He’s joined in attack by newly signed Anderlecht teammate Mulota “Papy” Kabangu. Already accustomed to playing with one another, the two should constitute a formidable attack, provided former Black Stars head coach Claude Le Roy is wise enough to deploy them both.
Other options include Eintracht Braunschweig attacker Domi
Kumbela, who has booted the obscure German club out of the third Bundesliga and
may very well propel them all the way to the top flight. Another play critical
to overachieving European clubs is West Bromwich Albion’s Youssouf Mulumbo.
Finally, I’ll be watching FC Freiburg midfielder Cedric Makaidi with great interest. He’s been a fixture of the Bundesliga for over eight years, sparkling for VfL Wolfsburg and MSV Duisburg before finally winning a much-deserved call-up.
Finally, I’ll be watching FC Freiburg midfielder Cedric Makaidi with great interest. He’s been a fixture of the Bundesliga for over eight years, sparkling for VfL Wolfsburg and MSV Duisburg before finally winning a much-deserved call-up.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
COOL NAME ALERT—Congo DR
Kumbela
continues to shine for the Lions of Braunschweig, even if the club is almost
certain to be relegated. Mulumbu has done his part to reestablish WBA as a
Premiership mainstay. Makaidi remains the only player to turn his sparkling
individual play into a fatter contract—in his case with Bremen. The other two
rising stars look to ink more lucrative deals this off-season. The core of this
team augurs a very bright future for the Leopards, even if they won’t be
joining us this summer in Brazil.
COOL NAME ALERT—Congo DR
1) Chancel Mbemba-Mangulu
Another Anderlecht player. With a
name like that, he’s virtually certain to terrorize anyone taking
attendance. Mr. Mbemba-Mangulu? Is
Mr. Mbemba-Mangulu in?
2) Zola Matumona
Guess who this cat’s named after. I’ll furnish a hint: Think
of an excruciatingly boring book you NEVER, EVER wish to think about again.
Ugh. May both Emile Zola and Thomas Mann rot in hell.
3) Lomana LuaLua
For some reason I always thought “Lomana” was a woman’s
name. Presumably that’s a negative. Anyway, this guy must have some truly sweet
monogrammed towels.
Niger (Winning Odds 8-1)
Are we absolutely positive that we’re pronouncing this name correctly, syndicate members? That’s [Nee-gher] Are we clear? It’s Hausa. Be respectful. The Menas of Niger qualified for their first ever international tournament last year owing most of it to the aforementioned qualifying discrepancy, which eliminated South Africa.
They return with a team that boasts….well…nothing much really.
Midfielder Oliver Bonnes plays for Brussels, but has yet to score a goal. Adding insult to injury, it’s FC Brussels. Who cares? It’s not as if we’re talking Club Brugge or Anderlecht. Then there’s Issoufou Boubcar Garbar, who plays over in Phuket. And don’t forget Ouwo……okay, look. I’ll level with you. This is a BAD team. They’re not going anywhere. They’ll finish last. Satisfied?
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Oh
man did this team ever tank. Two lopsided losses and one of the most boring
draws I’ve ever witnessed. It’s extremely unlikely that we’ll be discussing
this team anytime soon.
COOL NAME ALERT—Niger
1) DF Jimmy Bulus
Want to know the name of the guy
always hanging around down by the pizza parlor? His name is Jimmy Bulus. You
got a problem with that? Yeah, maybe you don’t remember him? Maybe there’s been
some mis-fuckin-understanding. Maybe you don’t give a shit. Maybe you don’t
remember the last time you blew your nose either.
Okay…enough already.
2) DF Djibril Moussa Souna
The name “Djibril” is not unfamiliar. Why, who doesn’t
recall Djibril Cisse? Instead, we’ll focus on the Moussa Souna part.
Mmmmm..sounds tasty. Next time I walk into a Lebanese restaurant, I expect some
“Moussa Souna”. And it damn well better contain eggplant, chickpeas, a brazing
of olive oil, lightly charred lamb rib, and some paprika! You hear me? Funny
that a guy who eats only for fuel somehow spontaneously came up with a recipe.
Can’t explain it.
3) MF William N’Gounou
Hey now. No reason to give a cat with a perfectly snappy
African last name a perfectly boring English first name! The hell? You couldn’t
have named him “Nanegosou N’Gounou”?
4) FW Ouwo Moussa Ma’azo
Okay. Vowels are cool. When one hails from a country that
never adopted the Roman alphabet, I understand. Truly, I do. Africans too often
incorporate vowels. Black Americans double down on the consonants. It’s all
good. It’s all fine. I still can’t pronounce this striker’s name. Does anyone
want a betting credit?
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (Straight up odds for bookie):
1)
Ghana
2)
Mali
3) Congo
DR
4) Niger
Quarterfinal
Odds:
Ghana
(Straight up) Mali
(Straight up) Congo DR
(Straight up) Niger (3
to 1)
Group
C (Zambia, Burkina Faso, Ethiopia, Nigeria)
Zambia (Winning Odds Straight up)
Yes sir, it’s a fabulous time to be a fan of the “Copper Bullets”. The reigning champs return with an even more of a menacing striking corps that looks to rack up plenty of goals. The hero of last year’s 120-minute marathon victory against Cote D’Voire, Emmanuel Mayuga is back. This go-around he’s got a half a season of Premiership action under his belt.
Collins Mbesuma may not have earned himself a new contract after last winter’s triumph, but by all accounts he’s in top form. Ditto the two strikers enjoying spectacular sojourns in China, James Chamanga and Christopher Katongo.
The bullets have lost only two players from the previous
side, both who may be classified as dead weight. Conversely, head coach Herve
Renard brings south with him some fascinating youngsters. Nineteen-year-old
defender Emmanuel Mbola may not have officially laced up for FC Porto just
said, but a big time club doesn’t just snatch a teenager out of a Congolese
Youth Academy for shits and giggles.
He’s joined by another promising nineteen-year-old prospect, Mukaka Mulenga of the Power Dynamos. Twenty-one-year-old Chisamba Lungu just re-upped in the Russian Premiership while his cohort-mate Nathan Sinkala will surely be signed up north soon.
He’s joined by another promising nineteen-year-old prospect, Mukaka Mulenga of the Power Dynamos. Twenty-one-year-old Chisamba Lungu just re-upped in the Russian Premiership while his cohort-mate Nathan Sinkala will surely be signed up north soon.
Success begets success. That’s football. Players who achieve
on the grand stage, get fat contracts to play in better leagues, and ultimately
become stronger. A repeat in this first-even CAN annual replay seems VERY
plausible.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
The
Copper Bullets failed to advance to the Knockout Stages, producing a paltry two
goals in their three Round-Robin matches. One of them came courtesy of a
controversial penalty. After a promising start in Southampton, Mayungu was sent
to Sochaux on loan for the continued refinement of his skills.
Collins Mbesuma still performs serviceably in the South African Premiership, but a return to Top Flight English Football doesn’t appear to be forthcoming. Neither Chamanga nor Katongo parlayed their Chinese sojourns into lucrative contracts and the above mentioned youngsters aren’t blossoming with any pace ; ( ; (
Collins Mbesuma still performs serviceably in the South African Premiership, but a return to Top Flight English Football doesn’t appear to be forthcoming. Neither Chamanga nor Katongo parlayed their Chinese sojourns into lucrative contracts and the above mentioned youngsters aren’t blossoming with any pace ; ( ; (
The
once-proud bullets floundered in the Second Round of 2014 CAF qualifying,
completing a full 180 Degree fall from grace in less than two years. And so
virtually every positive assessment elucidated above has been eradicated. Oh
how the mighty can take a precipitous nosedive.
COOL NAME ALERT—Zambia
1) GK Kennedy Mweenie
I’m thinking he needs to hurry up and dump Taylor Swift so
she can write a new album.
2) DF Hijani Himoode
Not a bad Anime Serial at all. Could have used a few more
breasts, but still.
3) MF Rainford Kalaba
Rainford Kalaba is…Samuel L. Jackson…in…the “The Ving Rhames
Story”.
Nigeria (Winning Odds—Straight up)
What has become of the once mighty “Super Eagles”? The past eleven years have not been kind at all to nation to sends more players to the Premiership or any of Europe’s top leagues than any other African nation. Christ, in any given year Nigerians comprise half of “Chelski’s” starting lineup.
Hallowed names and superior talent has passed through these ranks. Taiwo, Utaka, Yakubu, Obina, Obasi, Obafemi Martins, Odemwinge, Yussuf….and that’s just the guy’s who AREN’T playing this year.
What has become of the once mighty “Super Eagles”? The past eleven years have not been kind at all to nation to sends more players to the Premiership or any of Europe’s top leagues than any other African nation. Christ, in any given year Nigerians comprise half of “Chelski’s” starting lineup.
Hallowed names and superior talent has passed through these ranks. Taiwo, Utaka, Yakubu, Obina, Obasi, Obafemi Martins, Odemwinge, Yussuf….and that’s just the guy’s who AREN’T playing this year.
As usual the, the Super Eagles are overflowing with talent,
making them impossible to ignore. The bookie has little choice but give even
odds on a championship victory. Joseph Yobo returns for what will SURELY be his
final tournament. He’ll strap on the captain’s armband one last time and
partner up with Echieljile at the back.
Further upfield, we’ll once again Chelsea flop Mikel…who actually somehow manages to play well he wears his country’s uniform. Teammate Victor Moses would have appeared to prove fitness finally sufficient to unseat Ikechuckwu Uche, or at the very least move him back to anchoring striker.
Further upfield, we’ll once again Chelsea flop Mikel…who actually somehow manages to play well he wears his country’s uniform. Teammate Victor Moses would have appeared to prove fitness finally sufficient to unseat Ikechuckwu Uche, or at the very least move him back to anchoring striker.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Homegrown hero Stephen Keshi has certainly raised a lot of eyebrows with his squad selection. The retention of 20-year-old CSKA Moscow phenom Ahmed Musa wasn’t really a big surprise, but who the hell are Emmanuel Eminike and Ideye Aide Brown? Evidently, the former plays for Musa’s rival Spartak while the latter has come out of nowhere to become new top dawg over at Dynamo Kiev.
Oh well. Just because I hadn’t heard of them doesn’t mean Keshi’s bold grooming experiment isn’t working wonders. The two may only fifteen caps between them, they’ve shown a penchant for scoring crucial goals.
Thankfully
your friendly bookie found himself prescient enough to declare even odds on a
Nigerian Championship. To give some of the more enthusiastic stateside bettors
anything more would have risked bankruptcy. Joseph Yobo defies his age and
still earns call-ups from Keshi. This notwithstanding, he’ll likely sit out
this summer’s festivities after suffering a harsh injury during a recent
friendly.
Echielijile, sometimes referred to as “Elderson”, turned in a spectacular tournament and will surely anchor the Super Eagle backfield for years to come. Mikel’s tournament proved rather uneventful while Victor Moses barely eked out Uche in terms of minutes as the two mostly split duties.
Echielijile, sometimes referred to as “Elderson”, turned in a spectacular tournament and will surely anchor the Super Eagle backfield for years to come. Mikel’s tournament proved rather uneventful while Victor Moses barely eked out Uche in terms of minutes as the two mostly split duties.
Homegrown hero Stephen Keshi has certainly raised a lot of eyebrows with his squad selection. The retention of 20-year-old CSKA Moscow phenom Ahmed Musa wasn’t really a big surprise, but who the hell are Emmanuel Eminike and Ideye Aide Brown? Evidently, the former plays for Musa’s rival Spartak while the latter has come out of nowhere to become new top dawg over at Dynamo Kiev.
Oh well. Just because I hadn’t heard of them doesn’t mean Keshi’s bold grooming experiment isn’t working wonders. The two may only fifteen caps between them, they’ve shown a penchant for scoring crucial goals.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Ehhhhh…I just don’t know. All thirds of the pitch appear to be in working order…but this country is cursed. Bob knows who the hell put the hex on this team, probably the obligatory witch from every Nigerian Soap-Opera ever made. They’ve finished rock bottom of their group in both the 2002 and 2010 World Cups. They’ve made it all the way to the final match of this tournament in 2002, 2004, 2006, and 2010….and lost ALL FOUR TIMES.
Hmmm….Yes.
Who the hell were those prolific scorers? Who the scene-stealing fuck were
those talismanic players? Who was that pair most responsible for carrying the
Super Eagles to the Promised Land?
Once
again your friendly bookie finds himself with egg on his face; a situation he
actually quite enjoys. Emmenike snatched up the Golden Boot with four tallies,
all scored at crucial times during the respective matches. Ideye Brown netted
what proved to be the match winner in the semis against Mali and established
himself as a highly flexible utility who could wither serve as a mid-field
magician or a spark of a striker.
Both
players constitute very dangerous tools available in Keshi’s arsenal. The pair
look to light it up on the pitch in Brazil this summer.
Ehhhhh…I just don’t know. All thirds of the pitch appear to be in working order…but this country is cursed. Bob knows who the hell put the hex on this team, probably the obligatory witch from every Nigerian Soap-Opera ever made. They’ve finished rock bottom of their group in both the 2002 and 2010 World Cups. They’ve made it all the way to the final match of this tournament in 2002, 2004, 2006, and 2010….and lost ALL FOUR TIMES.
All of those teams featured more established players. Hard
for one to find fault in Keshi’s unorthodox strategy of elevating the unproven
in an effort to burgeon new leadership. Ehhhh..I simply have to see how they
play against the Burkinabés. Knowing precisely what I’m looking for, I should
be ready to either ‘buy’ or ‘sell’ this team.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Editor’s retroactive notes:
As it
so happened, the jury remained out until the quarterfinals.
COOL NAME ALERT—Nigeria
1) DF Godfrey Oboabona
“Oboabona”! “Oboabona…I’m talking to you son. Get your ass
out on that lawn and rake up the leaves before your step daddy’s brother gets
home!”
2) MF Sunday Mba
Again, apparently it’s acceptable to name men for days of
the week other than “Friday”. Who knew?
3) Ogenyi Onazi
“Ogenyi. Awww. Mama’s so proud. You brought me home three Ds
and an Incomplete. Such a good boy.”
Burkina Faso (Winning Odds 4-1)
Qualifying for their third consecutive CAF, it’s the lads from “Upper Volta”! Incidentally, why weren’t Togo and Benin designated “Lower” or “Eastern” Volta? But I digress. Look…I’ll level with you. Burkina Faso has to be one of my largest blind spots. Whenever I’m called upon to enumerate West African developing countries that struggle with political corruption, I always forget this one.
My mind simply automatically edits it out. I certainly mean no disrespect to the 16 million plus people who call Burkina Faso home. Similarly, I feel I do my long lost childhood friend Amadou Mamadou a great disservice by congenitally forgetting about his country.
What can I say? Trying my best to learn something insightful
about the nation. It’s not as if a plethora of highly-skilled global
journalists aren’t regularly filing pertinent news dispatches from the capital
bureau. Yet, whenever I pick up an article covering events in Burkina Faso, it
all melts away..dust in the wind, piss in the snow. An hour or two later, all I
can recall is the Dateline.
“Dateline: Ouagadougou. Hehe. Ouagadougou. That’s funny”
Yes, I know. I’m pathetic.
This particular Burkinabé squad has already demonstrated
remarkable resilience. After devastating dropping the first half of their final
qualifying leg to C.A.R. in Bangui, Lorient’s Alain Traore came out guns
blazing to take control early in the rematch. He’s a player many will recall
from his tenure at Auzerre; a legitimate field marshal/flight director who can
dictate the pace of most any match.
Other familiar faces include Olympique Lyon defender Barbary Kone, former Köln/Freiburg striker Willy Sanou, and Olympique Marseille defensive midfielder Charles Kabore. Of course one shouldn’t forget FC Augsburg striker Aristide Bance, who’s been a deplorable flop this season in spite of his potential.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Other familiar faces include Olympique Lyon defender Barbary Kone, former Köln/Freiburg striker Willy Sanou, and Olympique Marseille defensive midfielder Charles Kabore. Of course one shouldn’t forget FC Augsburg striker Aristide Bance, who’s been a deplorable flop this season in spite of his potential.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Alain
Traore remains a player one can’t watch without wishing one owned a time
machine. If only one take this promising talent back to what he might have
accomplished before his multiple debilitating injuries. One feels similar pangs
of regret for Willy Sanou, now languishing somewhere I didn’t bother to look up
in East Asia. Kabore transferred to an obscure Russian side post-tournament and
poor Bance is wasting his time for second-tier Bundesliga Side Fortuna
Düsseldorf. Yech.
Had
many of the talented Burkinabes continued along their trajectory, we might not
be lamenting the razor thin loss of the Stallions to the all-together less
interesting Algerians during the second leg of the final CAF Qualifying Stage.
These fightin’ Voltans certainly deserved to book passage to Brazil. Alas,
rendered just a tick slower by their new assignments, the core of this team
just ran out of gas at precisely the wrong time.
I’m
inconsolable. ;(
Big names = big expectations. The poor Burkinabés have had
the terrible misfortune to be drawn into “The Group of Death” in the previous
two tournaments. FINALLY, they’ve caught a break. Now they’ve got the
quarterfinals in their sights.
COOL NAME ALERT—Burkina Faso
1) DF Saidou Panandetiguiri
Relax, Vicey. Stop hyperventilating. He’s a fullback. He
won’t score. Relax.
2) MF Djakaridja Kone
Paper bag, Vicey. Breathe in. Breathe out.
3) MF Ali Rabo
There. That’s better.
Ethiopia (Winning Odds 7-1)
Against all the odds…and East African team made it to the finals. Hallelujah. To illustrate what an ENORMOUS deal this is, it’s not been done since Kenya qualified in 2004. Okay, okay. Technically one could count Mozambique in 2010, but it’s a bit far south for my taste. Can you feel the excitement? East Africa in the house! Drink in the moment..
Very well. Moment over. Here’s why the Black Lions can
expect to get crushed in a highly competitive group. To begin with, they barely
escaped the first round of qualifying, eking by Benin after two unimpressive
draws and one away goal. To their credit, strikers Saladin Said, Getaneh
Kebebe, and Adane Girma rose to the occasion in the second round of qualifying.
The three combined for five goals in an outright massacre of the heavily
favored Sudanese.
On might be tempted to buy into this team when taking this
extremely talented trio of strikers into account. Moreover, a tactically strong
head and a squad ninety-percent composed of players from Ethiopia’s Top Three
domestic could ostensibly lead one to conclude that something special is
brewing here.
Hell, I’ve very nearly talked myself into them. Perhaps this tight-knit group of individuals, thoroughly inured to the intuitive nuance of each other’s game can absolutely deliver the long-awaited “East African Miracle”. Maybe this happens to be the year. East Africa will shock everyone! ALL THE WAY, BABY!
Hell, I’ve very nearly talked myself into them. Perhaps this tight-knit group of individuals, thoroughly inured to the intuitive nuance of each other’s game can absolutely deliver the long-awaited “East African Miracle”. Maybe this happens to be the year. East Africa will shock everyone! ALL THE WAY, BABY!
On second thought……….nyaaaah.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Editor’s retroactive notes:
T’was
every bit as ugly as predicted. The Black Lions managed all of one measly goal
whilst predictably overachieving in their opening match.
COOL NAME ALERT—Ethiopia
1) DF Degu Debebe
C’mon, man. Your real name! I
didn’t ask for your porn alias.
2) GK Yidnekatchew Kidane
Christ am I glad they left this
keeper off the final squad. I never want to type that name again. It took a
half hour to retrain my fingers for proper keyboarding.
3) DF Shimelis Bekele
“Shimelis” sounds suspiciously like the Jew that runs the
24-hour corner bodega. Crap! I’m out of smokes again. Guess it’s time to go see
Shimelis.
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (Straight up odds for bookie):
1)
Zambia
2)
Burkina Faso
3)
Nigeria
4)
Ethiopia
Quarterfinal
Odds:
Zambia
(Straight up) Nigeria
(Straight up) Burkina
Faso (Straight up) Ethiopia
(7 to 1)
Group
D (Algeria, Tunisia, Cote d’Ivoire, Togo)
Algeria (Winning Odds—Straight Up)
The “Desert Foxes” are back…mostly to annoy me. They’re heavily favored by most every oddsmaker to take the tournament….again mostly to annoy me. Welcome to the THIRD installment of “Your friendly bookie doesn’t much care to expend too much energy on North Africa”.
Should we be worried? Damn straight we should. They beat the everlasting shit out of Libya (contrary to whatever popular logic dictates, a VERY good team) during the qualifying stages.
I happened to catch those games via laptop and can attest
that they were cold, clinical, systematic ass-whippings. The desert dwellers
have Vitoria Guimaraes forward El Ardi Himmel Soudani flitting from left to
right in what appears to be a non-spontaneous fashion. Whatever the hell
they’ve devised, they’ve got him sniping from all over pitch.
Thus far he’s been capped eight times and scored six goals. Not to be outdone, his partner Islam Slimani occasionally hangs back as anchor, pressing forward to function as a target the rest of the time. More scary stats: 5 goals in 6 caps.
Thus far he’s been capped eight times and scored six goals. Not to be outdone, his partner Islam Slimani occasionally hangs back as anchor, pressing forward to function as a target the rest of the time. More scary stats: 5 goals in 6 caps.
One must strain hard to find weak links in the midfield.
Marseille’s Foued Kadir, Valencia’s Sofiane Feghouli, and Racing Santander’s
Hameur Bouazza. Gulp. Academica’s Rafik Halliche and A.C. Milan’s Djamel Mesbah
will keep things tight at the back.
Say it a’int so, Vicey. Sorry. It would come as a great
surprise if both Algeria and Tunisia advance out of this group.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
COOL NAME ALERT—Algeria
Grrr..nothing
quite like encountering an overlooked typo. The above sentence SHOULD read:
“It
would come as a great surprise if both Algeria and Tunisia FAIL TO advance out
of this group.”
In a
twist that pretzels irony into a multi-dimensional object, both North African
teams DID FAIL to advance out of the group and this was quite surprising. (not
to mention pleasing) Soudani remained M.I.A. as the Desert Foxes unexpectedly
got blanked in their opening to outings. He finally elected to show up in the
final twenty minutes of the third group stage match, long after it might have
mattered. As an unabashed North African hater, I counted myself lucky.
Sadly,
it would appear my luck has run out. ; ( The foxes find themselves drawn into
one of the unprecedented THREE groups of life this summer. I forsee a boring
Round of 16 Match on the horizon.
COOL NAME ALERT—Algeria
DISQUALIFIED. Does not apply to Arab countries. 90% Arab.
Bad Country! 83% Arab + 15% Berber + %2 Tuareg = 100% I don’t really give a
shit.
Cote d’Ivoire (Winning Odds Straight Up)
This is it. The Final tournament. The last Swan Song. End of the line. Farewell tour. 34-year-old Didier Drogba is finished. The most storied player in Cote d’Ivoire history; the man who inspired every last boy in a country of over 20 million to lace up his boots; the man arguably responsible for a whole myriad of peace accords; the lionhearted man with the maturity of a child…last chance, everyone.
He’s gone after this. Trust me. He may be enjoying a productive season in Shanghai….but it’s China for fuck’s sake. Cote d’Ivoire may very well qualify for Brazil, but he can’t be a part of it. It’s over. No one plays as much relentless football as this man for thirty-five years and can still relay on his shins.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Interesting.
As we head into this summer’s gala, 36-year-old Didier Drogba may very well
feature on the pitch for “Les Elephants”. The seemingly immortal talisman
fought his way back into European football, signing with Turkish Superclub
Galatasaray shortly after the conclusion of this chapter. Within five minutes
of his debut performance he made his presence known.
En route to the Turkish championship, Drogba netted an impressive five goals in just 13 appearances. He’s punched in another 14 this season, including three in critical international matches. Rumors of his retirement have evidently been greatly exaggerated.
En route to the Turkish championship, Drogba netted an impressive five goals in just 13 appearances. He’s punched in another 14 this season, including three in critical international matches. Rumors of his retirement have evidently been greatly exaggerated.
Your
friendly bookie finds himself at a loss to describe why players like Drogba,
Yobo, Klose, Xavi, Buffon, and Diego Forlan are obstinately refusing to go into
that gentle good night. This World Cup may be packed with more geriatrics than
one can handle. One can only hope that tempo doesn’t irrevocably suffer. ;(
In many respects, this may herald the end of many players
from Les Elephants “Golden Generation”. Solomon Kalou keep up his game forever,
not in the French League in any case. Arouna Kone and Yaya Toure are in the
best form of their lives, but will find themselves dipping soon thanks to the
Premiership schedule. Siaka Tene won’t be back, no matter how much money PSG
forked over for him. Roberto Mancini knows full well what’s wrong with Kolo
Toure. His problems don’t resemble Balotelli’s. They’re of a starkly different
nature. It’s called getting old.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Kolo
Toure’s still around as well! He’s thriving for soon-to-be-Premiership
champions Liverpool. I suppose it was dead wrong of me to assume that Mancini
knew much of anything. Soloman Kalou shows no signs of slowing down. Damn. At
least I nailed the Siaka Tene prediction ; )
As someone who himself must occasionally grapple with the
undeniable fact that he will someday wither and decay, I find myself finding
deep reasons to root for this squad. In spite of all of their unprecedented
faculties, they’ve not delivered. They humiliatingly bad World Cup group stage
eliminations were by no means their fault. Two ridiculously inauspicious draws
into the “Group of Death” was…..well…damn. Blame the Ping-Pong balls. With
respect to this particular tournament, however, it’s been a bloody litany of
near-misses.
2006-Lost in the Finals….on penalty kicks
2008-Lost in the Third Place Match
2010-Lost in the Quarterfinals in Extra Time
2012-Lost in the Final…on penalty kicks
In 2012, they came oh so agonizingly close. Best of luck to
you, Elephants. Bring it home.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Les
Elephants actually furnished three domineering performances in the group stage.
Furthermore, their upset elimination at the hands of the destined Super Eagles
had little to do with aging players and everything to do with Keshi’s tactical
brilliance.
COOL NAME ALERT—Cote d’Ivoire
1) Emmanuel Eboué
I miss the bastard. Why did the Gunners have to let him go?
2) Igor Lolo
It’s Frankenstein’s assistant meets Bella Lugosi’s last
methadone-addicted words.
3) Didier Ya
Konan
He plays for Hannover ‘96. Incredible player. “Ya” in
Kiswahili means “of” in certain declinations. The “man of Conan” sounds pretty
cool.
Tunisia (Winning Odds 2-1)
Well, well. If it isn’t my old nemesis: The Eagles of Carthage. Ahem. Welcome to the THIRD installment of “Your friendly bookie doesn’t much care to expend too much energy on North Africa”. The only thing more drudgingly plebian than writing about this country is taking to an actual Tunisian.
You guys really don’t know when to shut up, do you? What’s with all this godforsaken family gossip? STOP TALKING! Oh right…kudos on kick starting that whole Arab Spring Thing.
Blah…blah…freedom…blah…blah….self-determination…well
done…blah
See? I know when to shut up…..or at the very least when I
happen to be running out of steam. Whew. We’re a few paragraphs removed from
“Nude Typing”.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
When first evaluating the roster, I had high hopes that the reds wouldn’t advance. Regrettably, the immediate reaction to that cursory glance turned out to be quite erroneous. Sure their midfielders are young and untested….but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re unproven. Athletico snatched up Ablekaader Oueslati when he was but a lad for a hefty sum.
Similarly, SC Bastia saw something in Ahabi Khazri before he turned eighteen, cutting him a check for more money that I’ve earn in my life. It’s unlikely that they’ll start anyway. Mersin’s Wissem Ben Yahia and Scion FC’s Oussama Darragi have had fine seasons and will have plenty of legs left.
No
hard feelings, mates? Should any animosity persist, I’ll swing by and present a
free “nude typing show”. ; )
When first evaluating the roster, I had high hopes that the reds wouldn’t advance. Regrettably, the immediate reaction to that cursory glance turned out to be quite erroneous. Sure their midfielders are young and untested….but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re unproven. Athletico snatched up Ablekaader Oueslati when he was but a lad for a hefty sum.
Similarly, SC Bastia saw something in Ahabi Khazri before he turned eighteen, cutting him a check for more money that I’ve earn in my life. It’s unlikely that they’ll start anyway. Mersin’s Wissem Ben Yahia and Scion FC’s Oussama Darragi have had fine seasons and will have plenty of legs left.
So we have an experienced midfield, a veteran defensive
corps, and…..Islaam Jemaa is still playing? Yep. That’s what I thought. Hadn’t
seen him in some years. I thought injuries had forced him to retire. Evidently
he’s back, playing for Kuwait City, and has fought his way all the way back
into fighting form.
The guy’s basically been an international joke for much of the past two years, but what the big target man has done for his country sure as hell a’int no joke. He’s scored 32 goals in 69 caps. Only twenty-eight years of age, he still has time to make a legend out of himself.
The guy’s basically been an international joke for much of the past two years, but what the big target man has done for his country sure as hell a’int no joke. He’s scored 32 goals in 69 caps. Only twenty-eight years of age, he still has time to make a legend out of himself.
Gritting my teeth as I say this, but the Tunisians might
just advance out of the group.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Editor’s retroactive notes:
None
of these characters bothered to check in during the final CAF qualifying round,
when the “Indomitable Lions of Cameroon” atypically decided to dominate.
COOL NAME ALERT—Tunisia
NEGATIVE. Does not apply to Arab countries. 98% Arab. Bad
Country!
Togo (Winning Odds 5-1)
Finally. They return. Two years after the unjustifiably cruel suspension, Emmanuel Adebayor will once again lead the Sparrow Hawks down the pitch. One simply has to be heartless not to love Adebayor. Sure, it was somewhat dickish of him to taunt the Arsenal fans after his Man City transfer.
Okay, he could have done with less bitching during the Real Madrid loan. He remains an absurdly talented player, the skills of whom are nothing short than a feast for the eyes. Whether with the Gunners, the boys on powder blue, the cats in regimented white, or my beloved Spurs, he produces both goals and colorful celebrations.
One wishes for Amewou, Damessi, and Boukari to feed the
nearly two meter (approx 6’5’’) center forward enough crosses to obliterate the
Golden Boot record. One sincerely hopes that Adebayor belatedly attains his
deferred glory. Such wishful thinking begets nothing more than utter despair.
Let’s enjoy the group stages. Surely we’ll witness a moment or two of magic.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Editor’s retroactive notes:
When
discussing Togo, one cannot refrain from reiterating what a class act Emmanuel
Adebayor has turned out to be. He will be missed in Brazil…at the very least by
this bookie. : (
COOL NAME ALERT—Togo
1) DF Daré Nimbombé
I need bongos! Time to hit up Craigslist. This man inspires
bongos!
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (Straight up odds for bookie):
1)
Algeria
2) Cote
d’Ivoire
3)
Tunisia
4) Togo
Quarterfinal
Odds:
Algeria
(Straight up) Cote
d’Ivoire (Straight up) Tunisia
(2 to 1) Togo (5
to 1) 
