Introduction—“God Save the Team of Destiny”
(England, Russia, Slovakia, Wales)
Will the Curse of the Three Lions at long last be lifted?
All things must come to an end at point. Nothing is permanent in this infinite
and ephemeral universe, though a great deal of it will take geologic eons to
change. ; ) Your friendly bookie does not possess a crystal ball. For all he
knows, England will continue to be eliminated from international football
tournaments via penalty shootouts until either the human race finally destroys
itself via nuclear war or our bloated sun expands and cannibalizes the earth.
What I can tell you is that football fans everywhere are “feeling it” after
Leicester City’s historic triumph against 5000-1 odds. Anything seems possible
now. We haven’t felt this way since Blackburn Rovers took the Premiership Title
back in 1995…and England failed to win the Euros on home soil in 1996. Ah
dammit. Now I’ve gone and shat on my own point ; ( ; ( Oops. ; (
Many football junkies, your friendly bookie included, would
love to see this to happen. The reason why doesn’t have anything to do with the
fact that your friendly bookie grows tired of posting the “Why England Always
Loses” graphic every summer. It’s not simply a matter of us not behind able to
stomach the sight of an old proud dog getting euthanized again and again. To
help you fully comprehend the reason why this bookie will be cheering heartily
for England in the coming weeks—provided they don’t play the Fatherland—I’ll
break it down for you from both of my cultural perspectives:
The Kraut Vice
As a Kraut, I’ll always root for Bayern, Dortmund, Schalke,
Wolfsburg, Leverkusen, Gladbach, or whatever ‘freak occurrence’ team represents
Germany in the UEFA Champions League. I also love the Pokal (our domestic cup).
My beloved FC Kaiserslautern routinely makes the Quarterfinals of that
tournament before crashing out just as I’ve come to expect them to do. The
Bundesliga itself, on the other hand, is entirely too predictable. It always
comes down to Bayern vs. One Other Team. Every year the same story. The
Super-Rich Bavarians buy the best players and try to fend off one single
solitary challenger. Yawn. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a real treat to attend the
matches. Moreover, the “Relegation Race” is also highly entertaining. Otherwise
it’s difficult to care. Schalke vs. Dortmund? Double yawn. I’m not from the
Ruhrpott. I’m a Pfälzer. To hell with coal-mining. Let’s sample some wine.
One might counter that the English Premiership, since its
inception, has always been about “The Big Three”: Arsenal, Manchester United,
and Chelsea. Fair enough. In recent years, Manchester City spent a lot of money
to join the ranks and it’s morphed into “The Big Four”, but that’s still an
ultra-exclusive mega-rich cadre isn’t it? Not exactly. Liverpool and at least
one other team routinely challenge for top-four spots. Virtually any English
Club can get a huge influx of money from a foreign investor and go on a tear.
Everton, Aston Villa, Southampton, Tottenham, West Bromwich Albion, Stoke City,
Bolton, and Fulham are all examples. The fact that some of those clubs have
been relegated enhances my next point. The “Relegation Race” in English
football features most exciting mercurial rises and falls. The two and a half
professional tiers of the German Bundesliga do too, but the English have FOUR
full professional tiers. The Third Tier of the German Bundesliga still features
Youth Squads/Reserve Squads of the larger teams. Mere arithmetic makes the EPL
more interesting.
Do the math:
“The Big One” vs. “The Big Four”
Done and done.
“Ich werde nie zu FC Bayern München gehen”!
The Yank Vice
As an American, I’ll address a recent trend that deserves
attention. A few U.K. Syndicate Members have mentioned how absolutely spoiled
rotten the American Footballing Audience has become. They preach the gospel of
truth! While Broadcasting Rights Regulations prohibit most living on the
British Isles from even watching the best weekend fixtures, Americans get a
full overdose of football courtesy of NBCSN. And to think that we all whined
and griped the day that Fox Soccer Channel died. ; )
As if THAT ISN’T ENOUGH, there’s also a full highlight show
for everyone to catch up with. AS IF THAT ISN’T ENOUGH, the comedic duo of
Michael Davies and Roger Bennett will give you a brilliantly irreverent look at
the weekend’s action. AS IF THAT ISN’T ENOUGH, those same two geniuses will
invade your Playstation Copy of FIFA 2016 and tell you which matches you should
be looking forward to next weekend!!
Good God. The Exponential Growth Curve of technology. Small
wonder the Rest of the World hates us. We live the high-speed life on the
“Information Super-Autobahn.”
The Rest of the World is cordially invited to join us in the
fast lane. We may be spoiled, but there’s plenty of room for more on the bus.
Don’t make me repeat the fellatio reference. I will if I have to. ; )
England—“The Three Lions”
Note that the projected lineup below bears no resemblance to
the actual eleven that “Uncle Roy” will choose to trot out. The F.A.’s patience
with Hogdson after the failure to attain the Knockout Phases in 2014 speaks
volumes about the deep and thoughtful desire to allow an English manager to
carefully paint his own masterpiece. Given the colors available on his palette,
let’s hope that he has the where-with-all necessary to daub and dash until he’s
drawn a fabulous fresco. This draw will be different…or so I choose to
believe.
Jaime Vardy and Harry Kane should start together up front.
“Prince Harry” and “Pauper Vardy”. Sink or swim, we need to see these two
together. Daniel Sturridge’s potential as an “attack back” cannot be denied.
Raheem Sterling’s ability to get creative upfield is only surpassed by Deli
Allie’s long-range talent. Keep them all on the left side. Ross Barkley injects
some pace into Rooney. Kyle Walker can move up
and make a few things happen if the need arises.
Marcus Rashford should be substituted in around the 60th
minute regardless of what the score is. He’ll run his ass off. Chris Smalling
can hit him with pinpoint crosses if nothing else.
Here we go, lads. At the very least, you should make the
Semis.
Projecting the Limey Lineup (4-4-2)
Jaime Vardy Harry Kane
|
Daniel Sturridge Wayne Rooney
|
Raheem Sterling Ross Barkley
|
Bamidele Deli Allie Kyle Walker
|
Gary Cahill Chris Smalling
|
Joe Hart
|
The Talisman—Jaime Vardy
Unless you’ve been living in some sort of fantasy “Pixar
Universe” filled with anthropomorphic ketchup bottles, you’ll find yourself
fully aware of the fact that Jaime Vardy has been having a party. Whether or
not the party continues is a subject of some debate. Most of the current
Internet Chatter focuses on his ability to sustain his current form after his
historic season. Some say he doesn’t have the stamina. Similar talk centered
around Miroslav Klose in 2006 after he scored 25 goals for Werder Bremen. This
bookie opines that the party continues. If Klose could do it, so can Vardy.
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vY6CAeuqWo>
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGzExJOrhfQ>
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IINy3f4XgUA>
“A Syndicate Classic—England”
From WM 2014--Group D Preview:
The above sentence directly answers a question I’ve not
yet posed. Who will “seize the day”? Who sits poised to take advantage of this
momentous new development? Full disclosure: Your friendly bookie is an
unabashed Limey enthusiastic. He’s biased. Here’s some material to
confirm:
From EM 2012—Group D Preview
The Three Lions will have to do without Wayne Rooney for
the first two games as he serves a backdated suspension. They also have to deal
with Roy Hodgson as coach and Steven Gerrard as captain. Seriously. Roy
Hodgson. ROY HODGSON? A sixty-four-year old habitual failure? What the limeying
fuck is wrong with the FA? Just to be clear, we are talking about the same Roy
Hodgson who did an atrocious job at Udinese, Inter, Blackburn, Fulham,
Copenhagen, and Merseyside? The same Roy Hodgson who couldn’t handle Finland or
the U.A.E? I know he has experience….but what about SUCCESS? He did a halfway
decent job with WBA, but this is insane. If you were going to hire a
sixty-year-old manager, why not Harry? Bad, bad move. This would be akin to the
DFB hiring Rehhagel or Omar Hitzfeld. He won’t get this group together. The
curse of St. George shall endure.
Whew. Let’s calm down a bit here, Vicey. As a devout
Premiership fan, I care entirely too much about seeing England succeed. I love
the league so much I actually nixed plans to move to England for university
because I knew I would spend entirely too much time going to football games and
get nothing done. I worship the English. Four of my five favorite authors are
English (Douglas Adams, Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Alain de
Botton). I cannibalize “The Economist”. I drink tea in the afternoons. I get up
at 6 a.m. on Wednesday mornings to watch Prime Minister’s questions. I read
“The Guardian” even before I read the Grey Lady. I missed the Super Bowl
because there was a new episode of “Downtown Abby” on for fuck’s sake. All of
this doesn’t mean I even consider rooting for England when they play Germany.
When they played the States in 2010, my allegiances were similarly
straightforward. I have to wince as this snake-bitten country fucks up year
after year after year after year…..
They invented the game! They have the best league in the
world. Even the Championship is occasionally more entertaining than the
Bundesliga. Why can they never get it together? I read Simon Kuper and Stefan
Szymanski’s masterpiece “Why England Lose: And other Curious Football
Phenomena” and I’m still flummoxed. After Terry and Capello went down together,
I had a terrible hunch we were headed for another fiasco. There was hope as the
FA flirted with Harry Redknapp. Then they selected Hodgson. I haven’t been so
infuriated at a choice since Ratzinger was elected pope. Horrible choice. Way
to foul the ball, assholes.
I know what will improve my mood. Let’s run down the
classes of fans I’m looking forward to hanging out with.
English Fans
How many ways can express my love for the English? They
eat horrible food. They drink terrible beer. Most of them are hideously ugly. I
haven’t met one with decent teeth yet. Their cockney accents are equivalent to
Swiss German in terms of the amount of blood oozing from my ears. I love them
anyway. I’ll “fancy” a “tumble” with a buck-toothed English girl any day of the
week. I can’t explain it exactly. Maybe it’s football. Maybe it’s the House of
Commons. Maybe it’s heavy drinking. Maybe it’s a self-deprecating sense of
humor. Maybe it’s the fact that they too come from a country where it rains all
of the time. Maybe it’s Shakespeare. Maybe it’s Emma Thompson. Maybe it’s Joss
Stone. Maybe it’s Adele getting me interested in chubby chicks again. I DON’T
KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT IS! I just like them and I love hanging out with them. I
even liked the “Fine Young Cannibals”. I’m hopeless. Someone please kill me
now.
I’ll audaciously augur that the Three Lions will make the
Round of Sixteen, if only because they need to be eliminated via another
heart-breaking shoot-out loss. Roy Hodgson has flown in a Sports Psychologist
(at great expense) to mentally instill the Zen-like calm needed to execute
under pressure. It’ll make for a great story when this “two-bit carnie
hypnotist” proves every bit as effective as the quack depicted in “The
Natural”. Life delivers irony like that. It just does.
As for the book briefly referenced in the above segment,
I highly recommend it to all football apologists. It supplies some really solid
material. Of course you can always skip the tome and just admit that the real
reason England always loses pertains to the fact that Great Britain’s best
players are very often Welsh. ;( ;(
Oh Gareth Bale, Gareth Bale. Where art thou, Gareth Bale?
We can’t we behold your marvelous skills in this tournament. WHY?!?!
Russia—“The Ruskies”
It feels somewhat peculiar to begin a write up of the
Russian football team without de-briefing everyone on their latest foreign
managerial coup. Following the departure of Fabio Capello in 2015, one truly
expected another Dutch journeyman to succeed the likes of Gus Hiddink and Dick
Advocaat. Perhaps the fact that Louis van Gaal was unavailable at the time led
the RFU to select CSKA Moscow head coach Leonid Sluzky for the gig. The
steely-eyed man from Stalingrad was the first domestic manager employed by the
RFU in over a decade.
Sluszky refused to resign his position as CSKA Moscow boss.
He’s thus one of the last “Iron Men”—a.k.a. those who manager BOTH a club team
and a National Team—that we’re likely to see in this contemporary football age.
He’s repeatedly stated that he considers his task a temporary one, so look for
the now-available Louis van Gaal to lead the host Russians in 2018. You read it
here first! ; ) ; )
In terms of the team Slusky has put together….meh. A bunch
of dinosaurs in your friendly bookie’s humble opinion. These Senior Citizens
might break through to the Knockout Phase by virtue of the fact that a
24-team-tournament will allow four third-place teams through. Alan Dzagoev’s
injury more or less seals their fate. Dzyuba finds himself in top form, but who
will feed him? Certainly not the still hobbling Kokorin. Shirokov, Samedov, and
Denisov don’t have a lot of legs left. Ignashevich and the Berezutski Brothers
are nothing more than stay-at-home defenders at this point.
It would prove most prudent for Slusky to treat this
tournament as a dress-rehearsal for neulings like Roman Neustädler, Aleksandr
Golovin and Oleg Ivanov. Forget about actually winning the matches. Test drive
some new talent. Feel out their potential in preparation for the big show.
Two incredibly strong centrebacks and a world-class keeper
may yet prove me wrong. It might be the case the likes of Akinfeev and
Ingashevic might keep things so miserly at the back that I’m proven completely
wrong. We shall see.
Projecting the Russian Lineup (4-4-1-1)
Atyom Dzyuba
|
Alexander Kokorin
|
A. Samedov O. Shatov
|
R. Shirokov D. Glushakov
|
A. Berezutski V. Berezutski S. Ignashevich
D. Kombarov
|
Igor Akinfeev
|
The Talisman—Artyom Dzyuba 
Simply stated, it’s been one helluva qualifying campaign for
the Zenit St. Petersburg forward. He’s knocked in seven goals for his country
and 23 for his club. Meet “Mr. X-Factor.” Nothing like a player in “peaking
form” to shake things up. If he can accomplish a bid for the Golden Boot
without any discernable support..watch out!
“A Syndicate Classic—Russia”
From WM 2014—Group H Preview:
A country such as Russia deserves a
rich discourse. The more we simplify matters into “bite-size” talking points,
the more we disavail ourselves of innovative solutions to the most important
bilateral diplomatic relationship in the Age of Non-Polarity. Yes…it sucks. I
trust the hipster-scum over at “Vice Media” will soon hijack the discourse in
its entirety.
For more ranting, see below. Your
friendly bookie still has a football team to tell you about. The Ruskies return
under the auspices of their third foreign manager in as many tournaments. After
overachieving under Dutch legends Gus Hiddink and Dick Advocaat (“Schwanz
Befürworter to Syndicate Members), the RFU brought in former Real Madrid,
Juventus, and England manager Fabio Capello. He’s quite the skilled one.
England enthusiasts such as myself continue to side with him when asked about
the John Terry dispute.
Capello has done an admirable job
leading this team in the direction that the 2012 performance necessitated.
Arshavin, Pogrebnyak, and Pavlyuchencko have been permanently dropped.
Kerzhakov, Kokorin, Dzagoev, and Denisov have received meritorious promotions.
The best young Russian domestic stars form the thrust of this Russian
incarnation, steadied by the backbone of hard-working veterans Vasili Berezutski,
Sergei Ingashevich, and Igor Akinfeev.
One hesitates to write off such a
tight-knit group, but Syndicate Rules dictate that a squad composed entirely of
players from one country must be overrated. This is known as the “Trappatoni
Tenet”. They’ll supply us with some entertaining football, but this bookie
declines to project them past the Round of 16.
Slovakia—“The Fighting Repre” 
Greetings, old friends! It’s been so long. Six years after they qualified for their first international tournament as an independent country, they’re back, with a snazzy new logo no less!! Everyone digging the suspiciously Jewish crisscrossed star? Who needs the Czechs? They’ve got themselves their very own squad. Unfortunately, it happens to be one captained by Martin Skrtel. Oops….and boom the dynamite doesn’t go. ; (
One just can’t envision it happening for them. Herta BSC’s
Petr Pekarik can rove and rave, but Hamsik and Weiss are especially selfish
players that won’t let their fullback through. Sestak hasn’t been the same
since he left VfL Bochum. Stoch only appears to possess breakthrough potential
when he’s playing for tangential clubs. Weiss’s career has nosedived faster
than an airplane over Ukrainian Airspace.
It’s not happening. Skrtel can provide the occasional moment
of magic, but mostly specializes in scoring own goals in important matches.
Every tournament needs a doormat. We may have very well just met ours. They
took advantage of weak qualifying group to get here. Karma arrives to deliver
the return punch.
Projecting the Slovak Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Adam Nemec
|
Miroslav Stoch Vladamir Weiss
|
Marek Hamsik
|
Juraj Kucka Stanislav Sestak
|
D. Svento J. Durica M. Skrtel P. Pekarik
|
Jan Mucha
|
The Talisman—Marek Hamsik 
This “shoe-in” for Slovakia’s “All-Ugly-Team Representative”
has the potential to disprove every last iota of the above assessment wrong.
His unrivaled creative flair makes watching the Serie A worthwhile. The
leadership skills he displayed in 2010 won’t soon be forgotten. Keep up the
good work kid. Ditch the “Moose-Mohawk” at your earliest convenience.
“A Syndicate Classic—Slovakia”
From WM 2010—Round of 16 (Part III):
Netherlands vs. Slovakia
vs. 
Vladimir Weiss made some brilliant
alterations to put the wops out of their misery. What an exceptionally ballsy
move leaving out your son! My father was quite good at doing that as well, but
he didn’t have the cool pinstripe suit that you always wear! It has been a
magical ride for the forgotten half of Czechoslovakia. Now enter the reaper.
This should be another smooth ride for our flying Dutchmen. Glad you got your
girls back! Now let’s work on your god-awful beer…….
From WM 2010—Round of 16 (Part IV):
Send offs
“The Velvet Easterners” of Slovakia (4
games played, 14 Hot Girls )
“Repre”
is the formal recognized name of this team, but I’d like to bestow upon
the forgotten “cast off wives” of the velvet divorce deserve something a little
more provocative. Also have no clue what what “repre” means and am too tired to
tired to be bother with it. These commensurable bastards have watched the Czech
Republic take everything in the separation. They got the football team, the
hockey team, the beer exports, the EU Membership, the Tom Cruise movies, and
the worthless American slackers who want to spend a few years smoking pot and
teaching English while “getting to know themselves”. Prague has made us forget
that an entire other country other than former Soviet Satellites and Tito’s
“Yugo-Mistako” gained independence. Bravo, Slovaks. You’ve done your young
country proud and reminded us all that there is, in fact, a country to the East
of the Eurailer Terminus! Now you just have to deal with the fallout from all
of those Eli Roth films LL
The Slovaks played with pride and
flourish to the very end, right up until Vittek’s last second penalty kick
(which saved me a bit of coin). Farewell to Vladimir Weiss Sr. (former
Czechoslovak superstar now dribbling saliva in a retirement home), Vladimir
Weiss II (current coach of Slovak team) and Vladimir Weiss III (current
hot/cold Slovak/Man City/Bolton Wanderers midfielder). In this country, only
blacks consider a name worthy of a dynasty LLL
The rest of us are too modest. We’ll miss all of you. You’ve reminded any numbo
who happened to tune into one of your games of the proper pronunciation of my
name. I can never repay you. Actually, having cost me some money, so you should
be repaying me. Guess we’ll call it even.
Wales—“The Cyd Dragons”
FINALLY!! Your friendly bookie is so ecstatic that he can
barely keep still or keep a thought in his head. All of us will behold Gareth
Bale in all of his glory. The kid from Cardiff gets his chance to shine on the
grand international stage. The undisputed most talented/most expensive
footballer on the globe will tear up the pitch in front of a full international
audience previously ill-exposed to his eminent majesty. Oh happy day ; )
Beyond my “Bale Brown-nosing”, isn’t it cool that we’ve all
lived to witness a tournament in which Wales and Northern Ireland have both
qualified? We’re only missing the Scots. The fact that U.K. teams compete
separately frustrates your friendly bookie, though he does appreciate the rich
tradition behind it. Note that my bias toward the teams of the British Isles
may prove exploitable. I’m projecting the Welsh to finish second in this group,
defying their current FIFA Ranking.
Sam Vokes and Simon Church are “threshold players” ready for
their big break. Love what little I’ve seen of Aaron Ramsey. Andy King was a
substantial part of the “miracle”. Let’s do it, lads. Let’s make the Knockout
Round!!
Projecting the Welsh Lineup (4-3-3)
Gareth Bale
|
Simon Church Sam Vokes
|
Aaron Ramsey
|
Andy King Joe Ledley
|
B. Davies A.
Williams C. Gunther A. Mathews
|
Wayne Hennessey
|
The Talisman—Gareth Bale 
In this particular instance, the links must speak for
themselves. Your friendly bookie espouses full confidence in this team. May
Yahweh strike me dead if I…..aargh… Perhaps I’ve backed the wrong pony, or
perhaps I’ll ride this pretty pony all the way to the bank. You decide.
GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS!<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-InusYzAqnY>
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYvwzw6-4Uo>
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=picHIDnFzEc>
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVTqMR7APpI>
“A Syndicate Classic—Wales”
From WMQ 2009—Syndicate with A Vengeance:
Intro
Bizarre Micro States galore! We’ve got ethic enclaves, medieval fiefdoms, breakaway republics, “kingdoms” that have been a part of the U.K. for 600 years, bitterly dived realms that can’t decide on a nationality, new countries that were formed yesterday at 3:34 a.m. when no one was paying attention, land’s whose teams have goats and sheep playing for them, States who have survived centuries of warfare by functioning merely as a picturesque tax shelter and a newly approved treaty that aims to make sense of the whole tangled mess! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the quirky inheritor of feudal Christendom… I give you a veritable patchwork quilt of technocrats squabbling over milk subsidies. I give you EUROPE! (Turks, Israelis, Russians, Kazaks, Azerbaijanis, and Nordic Colonial islands also welcome. Everyone join the party!)
There is simply no possible way I might
concisely elucidate for you who’s in and who’s out. Accordingly, we’ll stick to
the big boys. Portugal is in serious danger of not qualifying. They cannot
settle for anything less than six points this week. The Greeks need a solid
showing as well, though they should still qualify for a playoff spot. Northern
Ireland is in the hunt for the first time in years! The non-unionist Irish will
definitely make things interesting, but haven’t secured anything yet. The
French are teetering on the edge of disaster, while the Ukrainians are fighting
for their lives. Unfortunately, the Scots will not be joining us following yet
another heartbreaker.
Saturday---
Finland v. Wales
vs.
Presenting “Exhibit W”. Formally part
of the British Crown since 1536, informally part of Britain since the Magna
Carta, do we still have enough pride to form a national football team?
Mudiad Amddiffyn Cymru!
The Welsh have been officially
eliminated, meaning we will not have the opportunity to behold the splendor
that is Craig Bellamy. The Finns are gone as well, but somehow I don’t give a
shit.
I DO BELIEVE MARTI AHTASARRI SHOULD BE THE
NEW PRESIDENT OF EUROPE!! That man is a Finn we can all ride
THE LINE: Wales+1
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (3 to 1 Odds for Bookie)
1)
England 2)
Wales 3)
Slovakia 4)
Russia
Overall
Championship Odds
England
(Straight up) Wales
(4 to 1) Russia
(6 to 1) Slovakia
(8 to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
England
(NO BETS) Wales
(Straight up) Russia
(Straight up) Slovakia
(2 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds
England
(NO BETS) Wales
(2 to 1) Russia
(3 to 1) Slovakia
(4 to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
England
(Straight Up) Wales
(4 to 1) Russia
(5 to 1) Slovakia
(6 to 1)
