Introduction—“La Roja Resurrection”
(Spain, Croatia, Czech Republic, Turkey)
We’ll dispense with the baroque introduction. Syndicate
Members need their Second Round Copa America Centanario Lines. There’s plenty
of text for Europe Enthusiasts should you choose to scroll down. I’ll be the
first to admit that the Pan-American Tournament got off to a languid start. The
first six matches were absolutely turgid. I’ve been told that we finally got a
semi-entertaining one today in the form of Panama vs. Bolivia. I’ll have to
take your word for it. Won’t have time to watch it.
With respect to the thoroughly pitiful USA Performance on
Friday Night, I’m not sure what to say at this point. So much playful banter
has already been exchanged amongst members of the Syndicate. I know that
they’ll play better against Los Ticos tomorrow. I also know that DeAndre Yedlin
shouldn’t be deployed in a defensive position again. Move him up front, Klinsi!
Finally, I know that--at this point--most Americans are wishing that we sent the Women's team to compete in this tournament. Carl Lloyd, Meghan Rapinoe, and Alex Morgan could have made mincemeat out of Los Cafeteros!!
Here are your Round Two Lines:
Tuesday, June 7th
USA vs. Costa Rica
vs. 
THE
LINE: USA +2 Goals
Columbia vs. Paraguay
vs. 
THE
LINE: Columbia +1 Goal
Wednesday, June 8th
Brazil vs. Haiti
vs. 
THE
LINE: Brazil +3 Goals
Ecuador vs. Peru
vs. 
Thursday, June 9th
Uruguay vs. Venezuela
vs. 
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Mexico vs. Jamaica
vs. 
THE
LINE: Mexico +2 Goals
Friday, June 10th
Chile vs. Bolivia
vs. 
THE
LINE: Chile +2 Goals
Argentina vs. Panama
vs. 
THE
LINE: Argentina +2 Goals
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
…..
…..
Back to Europe, Gentlemen.
Spain—“La Furia Roja”
Ola Amigos! Let’s address the Elephant in the room first.
No…I’m actually not referring to Vincente del Bosque. As we’ve discussed
numerous times, his physique more closely resembles that of a walrus.
Furthermore, if any trainer in this group deserves to be likened to an Elephant,
it’s definitely Turkey’s Faith Terim. What I do refer to, on the offhand chance
that you’re still following me, is the cataclysmic implosion of 2014’s “Billion
Dollar Team”. Ay Chihuahua! What the tiki-taking fuck was that all about? Not
only did the first Billion-Dollar Team in the history of organized sport come
crashing down from their lofty perch, they got straight up bitchslapped by the
Dutch and Chileans. Some of the ugliest football this bookie has ever
witnessed…from the tournament’s prettiest team. Ugh. It was vile.
After witnesses such thorough ruination, it’s tempting to
declare the Era of Spanish Dominace officially over. A stumble here in what is
by no means an easy group will kill the whole system, in addition to ensuring
that Pep Guardiola’s stay at Manchester City proves to be a short-lived one.
Let’s not forget, however, that we’re currently discussing the
Two-Time-Defending European Champions here. Del Bosque has been as adroit in
his squad selection as the Football Federacion has been patently stupid in
their choice of an alternate kit.
Seriously? This monstrosity is more hideous than all off the
1994 World Cup kits combined. Too much XTC, Spaniards. I suppose there’s
nothing wrong with the Spanish Style of partying, but taking psycho-active
drugs whilst attempting to design a uniform remains a bad idea. Bring back the
damn yellow jerseys from 2008 for chrissake. And while you’re at it, stop
having Dinner at 21:00. That shit has always pissed me off. My current line of
work now accentuates my frustration. ; ( ; (
Del Bosque made perhaps the smartest decision of any manager
in the tournament when he opted to leave Diego Costa off his squad. La Roja
don’t need his distracting douchebaggery. Pedro and David Silva will do just
fine up front. Cesc Fabregas put in his work at Stamford Bridge during
Chelsea’s nightmare season. This bookie likes his form. The retirement of the
two Xavis serves to strengthen the Spanish midfield. Koke has earned his chance
to step up, even if he hasn’t yet scored a goal for the national side. Jordi
Alba and Cesar Azpilicueta remain two of the best wingbacks in football today.
I can’t necessarily say that I agree with the decision to stick with Iker
Cassillas and give him the captain’s armband. Nevertheless, he should be okay
with Pique and Sergio Ramos closing ranks in front of him.
La Roja roll out a great squad and present us with some
fascinating intrigue. Ever heard of Lucas Vazquez, Bruno Soriano, and Mikel San
Jose? Me either. Del Bosque has shown great courage in selecting three new
players of varying ages with a combined 14 caps. Premiership fans are familiar
with Arsenal’s Hector Bellerin of course, but he only has two international
caps to his name.
Well done, Walrus! Looking forward to watching this team
bash their way back into the Finals!
Projecting the Spanish Lineup (4-4-2)
Pedro David Silva
|
Andres Iniesta Cesc Fabregas
|
Sergio Busquets Koke
|
Jordi Alba Cesar
Azpilicueta
|
Sergio Ramos Gerard Pique
|
Iker Casillas
|
The Talisman—Andres Iniesta 
Your friendly bookie honestly hates to be repetitive. The
“Maestro from La Mancha” was the same Talisman he selected two years ago. The
whole thing seems recycled and redundant. There simply isn’t another choice.
The Catalan continues to shine for Barça. Though he may not score many goals,
his prowess in the middle third always impresses. Real Madrid fans gave him a
round of applause. That’s the kind of respect that he commands. Best wishes for
a successful tournament, “Maestro”.
“A Syndicate Classic—Spain”
From WM 2014—Day Two Recap:
Buenos Dias Spanish Syndicate Members,
Digame? Oiga? Is anyone there? Don’t
hang up the phone! If you don’t feel like speaking, at least let me listen to
you breathe! I’m you can’t formulate a sentence, just hyperventilate for me! I
need to know that you’re okay. I’m here on the other end of the line! I’m not
going anywhere…not until I know that you’re safe. You’re very important to a
lot of people.
Step back from the ledge. Get that
toaster away from the bathwater. Put down that razor-blade and screw the safety
cap back on the pill vial. DON’T DO IT!! You are still loved!!
Good Lord. Strange things are known to
transpire over a full “fairy tale” moon, but who could have predicted the Dutch
would spank their one-time conquers so thoroughly? Last night made the sinking
of the Armada look like a minor sidewalk scrape. All of Iberia stumbled out of
bed this morning convinced it was all just a bad dream; an intricate nightmare
not unlike the one in which you forgot you registered for a class until the
last week of the semester.
But it did happen. You kept
oversleeping your 7 a.m. Calculus Class and never got around to dropping it in
time. Now your transcript is all fucked up. This happened. You tried to sit for
your Economics Final Exam even though you only made it to three of the
lectures. You flunked. It happened. You went back to High School to take some
easier courses and even then managed to go down in flames after failing to show
up for Chemistry day after day. The ultimate humiliation. IT HAPPENED!
Van Persie and Arjen Robben made a
complete mockery out of Sergio Ramos, Gerald Pique, and Iker Casillas. They
both grabbed braces courtesy of horribly slack defending. Diego Costa was, by
all accounts, a total bust in his much-awaited debut. Busquets, Jordi Alba, and
Azpilicueta all had atrocious matches. Van Persie, Wesley Sneijder, Robeen, and
Jermain Lens all had the chance to push the scoreline to 10-1 or even 11-1. You
got lit up. THIS HAPPENED!
And what we you wearing? An all-white
kit that made “La Furia Roja” look like the Real Madrid Youth Reserves. Ugh.
That’s worse than being naked! It was the perfect storm of terror and
fear…..and you weren’t hallucinating. IT ALL HAPPENED!
Further discussion of “El Tiki-Taka”
shall be deferred to the riff section. Your friendly bookie tires of this
conversation. Ever since Pep Guardiola’s Bayern crashed out of the Champions
League, it’s all the European Football Media wishes to talk about. One should
treat such shallow pontifications in the same manner one deals with the
American 24-Hour-News Media’s speculations on the 2016 Presidential Race. Turn
the damn television off! As soon as one hears, “Is it really over for the zonal
passing game….”, turn the damn television off!! Likewise, should one hear “How
does Hillary’s new haircut affect her chances…”, throw the damn television out
of the window!!
Spanish dominance in early possession
could have led to a very different outcome had Iniesta done better with his
chances in the 10th. Iniesta also set up Costa beautifully in the 13th
and David Silva marvelously in the 43rd. In the former instance,
Costa just took a bad first touch. Dutch keeper Jasper Cillessen deserves all
the credit for keeping out Silva’s effort in the 43rd. Bottom Line:
The strategy still works. Iniesta and the two Xavis can still generate good
movement and triangulation. They need better finishing from their strikers, but
that’s not really a problem considering how deep this bench is.
Del Bosque illustrates this with his
substitutions. He swapped out Costa and Xavi Alonso for Torres and Pedro in the
62nd. Torres has gotten into the swing of things over at The Bridge.
Even if he hadn’t revitalized his career over at Chelsea, he’s still the
national side’s good luck charm; a great late-game “Number 9” option. So is
Barça’s Pedro. I’m convinced that Villa isn’t done yet either, even if he’s
headed to semi-retirement in MLS.
Del Bosque’s double substitution was a
great move. Unluckily for him, Stefan De Vrij scored Holland’s third goal three
minutes later and the whole tactical switch was essentially rendered moot.
Torres got some good looks. So did 78th minute sub Fabregas. Del
Bosque has the new Chelsea-signing at his disposal coming off the bench. He
also has Santi Carzola, Juan Mata, and Javi Martinez. This squad is too deep
and too talented to simply fade away without a fight. Relax, Spanish fans.
You’ll be back!
Ordinarily it’s our tradition to assign
grades for all eleven players in two instances: when discussing the Spanish
Juggernaut and when reviewing the performance of my Glorious Fatherland. We’ll
have to dispense with that tradition for now as the Casillas situation is
simply too volatile. I don’t know whether to give him an “F” or a “C Minus”.
Sure he fucked up right and proper on both Robben and van Persie’s second
goals, but he still made some great saves down the stretch. Whether to sit the
captain and finally give Pepe Reina his chance……I’m not prepared to speculate on
that one just yet. Let’s talk about last night.
Lovely Summer Evening on the Karlsruhe
Public Viewing Stand. With the entire town in the grip of Keynesian
Construction Sites, the city has somehow managed to erect a three-tier
structure that is both elegant and cozy. One gets good sightlines on all three
floors, but the real treat is the upper deck. Football at this time of year
MUST be viewed outdoors. That’s why we can’t have a Winter World Cup in Qatar.
Sorry. Fire Sepp Blatter….and revoke Franz Beckenbauer’s 90-day-football ban!
If there’s one man who can reverse this travesty, it’s him.
Croatia—“The Blazers”
Will they behave? Long-time Syndicate Members know that your
friendly bookie has a certain affection for the Croats, but hates chastising
them for their unruly behavior in the stands. Stop throwing flares onto the
pitch like a bunch of goddamned primitive morons!! I’m down with your love of
fire, but don’t go acting like a bunch of unruly sheisters. You do a great
disservice to Eastern European Stereotypes with such nonsense. The
checkered-cloth uniform that you sport reminds me of several really shitty
Italian Restaurants that I’ve had the great misfortune of patronizing. You’re
even worse than the “floppin Wops”. Stop being shitheads and I’ll reconsider my
statements. Stop being shitheads first.
Luka Modric, Ivan Rakitic, Ivan Perisic, Verdan Corluka, and
Mario Mandzukic are already well past their prime. Some predict this team to
get out of the group on a third place tiebreaker, but this bookie isn’t having
it. Though the midfield shows great promise and Darijo Srna is a great leader, Mandzukic’s
slide is too significant to ignore. A team without a reliable striker is a rudderless
boat. Moreover, Ante Cacic is no Slave Bilic. Avoid betting on this team if you
can. They’re just not that good. Root for them to score zero goals. We can all
do without the flares on the pitch.
Projecting the Croat Lineup (4-3-2-1)
Mario Mandzukic
|
Luka Modric Ivan Rakitic
|
Ivan Perisic
|
Marcelo Brozovic M. Kovacic
|
I. Strinic V. Corluka D. Srna S.
Vraslijko
|
Danijel Subasic
|
The Talisman—Ivan Rakitic
It came down to either Persic, Modric or Rakitic. Seeing as how the
two Inter Milan teammates’ form appears increasingly uninspired, the nod goes
to the Barça man. Always liked this kid, dating back to the late ‘naughts when
he was the only explosive element in the congenitally boring German Bundesliga
Side Schalke 04. Since making the Spanish Primera, he’s won the Europa League
with Sevilla and the Champions League with the Kulés. A quintessential clutch
performer, he regularly finds a sixth gear in important international matches.
If there’s any player capable of proving my dour prediction wrong, it’s
Riki-Rak.
“A Syndicate Classic—Croatia”
From EM 2012—Day Seven Recap:
“Ramble On, Vicey”---
--Fuck you, you puerile tablecloth-clad fucktards. You’re
useless. You Slavic sacks of shit! Nothing more than an embarrassment to
football, yourselves, and the human race in general. Cart your smelly Slavic
arses the hell out of this EM. You can get the fuck out of NATO, the UN, and
any other civilized inter-governmental organization while you’re at it. Fuck
your EU-Membership bid. You make the Greeks look responsible. You want to
behave like a bunch of disorderly children?
Do it in own shitty, squalid, foul, and detestable homeland. You were
guests of the Poles this week, just as you were guests of the Germans in 2006.
Still you continue to throw your burning road flares onto the pitch. Do you
also take a steaming shit on someone’s dinner table when they invite you over
and cook for you? Wouldn’t put it past such detestable, disgusting savages such
as yourselves. I’ve politely warned you enough times.
From the Preview Section:
“It should come as a surprise to no one
that Blazer fans like to light things on fire. The torch of choice for the
Beavi of Europe remains a protracted road flare, though some of the tamer ones
will settle for cigarette lighters, candles, or smartphone apps.”
From Round One:
“I’m afraid I cannot allow you to
advance out of this group. If I see one more of those road flares, I’m off to
Baumarkt to buy a bulk pack, hopping the next train to Zagreb, and jamming a
triplicate fistful of them directly up the anus of the first slothlike lardass
wearing a checkered pattern I run into.”
What the Slav-stenching fuck is wrong with you morons?
You ignore the appeals of your own players. You deny them an offensive counter
as they disappeared into the smoke. You hold on to a ball shot into the stands,
further depriving your boys of a chance to score a go-ahead goal. No more, Mr.
Nice Kraut. You want road flares? I’m going to “invite” myself over to your
country to burn every last one of your shitty hovels to the ground. Fuck you.
Fuck your ancestors. Fuck your country. You should be invaded on general
principle. You fuck yourselves in the ass. You piss on your own feet. FUCK
CROATIA!! NEVER JOIN US AGAIN!
Editor’s retroactive notes:
This rant achieved cult status, partly because it was TOO
wrong, mostly because it was SOO right.
Czech Republic—“The Czech Mates”
They fought like hell to climb their way back onto the Big
Bühne….though the primary reason why they’re here has everything to do with the
Dismal Dutch meltdown in their qualifying group. The latest incarnation of the
Narodak looks like little other than a significantly older version of “Billek’s
Boys”. Michal Kadlec, Roman Hubnik, David Limbersky, Jaroslav Plaisil, and
Thomas Necid all return..in their mid to late thirties no less ; (
To be perfectly candid, your friendly bookie simply cannot
ascertain where the goals are going to come from. Necid will face tougher
tackles than he does in the Turkish League. David Lafata and Vladamir Darida
possess the potential to spark something, but whether or not they can work
together is yet to be proven. One or the other invariably gets injured whenever
it’s time to suit up for a tournament. Daniel Kolar looks like he’s put on a
solid 30 pounds. There must be some fine eateries over there in Plzen. Plaisil
might be indulging too much in Bordeaux Red Wines. He’s up a tick this season,
but nowhere near where he was during his first stint.
Moving back through the ranks it gets worse. Why is
Kaderabek on this squad? For that matter, what’s up with Gebre Selassie? He
couldn’t even make the first team on a woeful Werder Bremen side.
Your friendly bookie honestly hates to spoil Peter Cech’s
Swan Song, but he just doesn’t see it coming together. So sorry, mates.
Projecting the Czech Lineup (4-2-3-1)
David Lafata
|
Jaroslav
Plasil Vladamir Darida
|
Tomas Rosicky
|
Daniel Kolar Ladislav Krejci
|
D. Limbersky M. Kadlec T. Sivok T.
Gebor-Selassie
|
Petr Cech
|
The Talisman—Tomas Rosicky 
No, I’m not naming Peter Cech the Talisman. No, no, and no
again. Did Arsenal win the Premier League? Exactly. What sort of magic do we
expect Cech to produce when he’s under constant bombardment thanks to his
porous back line? There exists deep in my gut a sinking feeling that he may end
up getting humiliated Jens-Lehman vs. Costa Rica Style. Instead, I’ll tap his
teammate at the Emirates Thomas Rosicky. The midfield conductor has everything
to play for now. The cringe-worthy knee injury that kept him off the pitch all
season likely means the end of his career. The Gunners won’t have him anymore,
though they gave him a truly touching send off. It’s over. Time for one last
hurrah. Leave it all on the field, brother. Finish glorious and strong.
“A Syndicate Classic—Czech Republic”
From EM 2012—Day Five Recap:
Record—
Spread: 0-10
Straight up: 1-5-4
The curse continues. My original favorites to top the
group (and recent whipping boys) elected to show up even after I gave up on
them and planned a rather intricate Western Poland/Eastern Ukraine holiday for
their underachieving asses. You showed us all, Czechs. The Poles made history as
well. Way to keep your bruised skin in the game, Polska! Blaszcyzykowski’s goal
was not only an exceptionally stunning effort that shall live in Bialo-Czerwoni
lore forevermore, it averted massive Warsaw riots. Football apologists across
the globe sing your praises. In the event anyone remains curious, this bookie
is back in the black. Still humiliated by those stats, though.
Hot Girl Standings---
Country
|
Tally
|
Games Played
|
Ukraine
|
26
|
1
|
Poland
|
25
|
2
|
Sweden
|
18
|
1
|
Russia
|
17
|
2
|
Greece
|
16
|
2
|
France
|
15
|
1
|
Spain
|
11
|
1
|
Ireland
|
11
|
1
|
Germany
|
7
|
1
|
Croatia
|
6
|
1
|
England
|
5
|
1
|
Italy
|
5
|
1
|
Czech Republic
|
5
|
2
|
Netherlands
|
3
|
1
|
Portugal
|
2
|
1
|
Denmark
|
1
|
1
|
Where are you hiding your women, Czechs? Chained in the
basement? That can’t be the case. You’re not Austrians after all. Every
bleeding shot of the Czech fan section is a sausage fest. Terrible, terrible
tragedy as I firmly maintain the belief that there exists no country that
doesn’t have beautiful women. Put another way, these statistics grade the
cameramen more than anything else.
“Ramble On, Vicey”---
--I knew the Czechs had it in them. Not really of course.
I ditched them quicker than an obsolete political talking point. Ahem,
presenting the evolution of “Vicey and the Narodak”:
1) Group A Preview Section:
“Why the enigmatical fuck is everyone
so down on the Czechs?”
2) From Round One:
“It looks as if Jirasek and Plaisil may
be fit as well, meaning that all of our lineup projections do not fully reflect
the amount of “Narodak” pop that will be on hand. Petr Cech soars on cloud nine after snatching
the Champions League title away from Bayern. My prediction that Bilek’s Boys
will top the group still seems exceptionally bold, but I feel great about this
match”
3) From Round Two
“DEAR LORD, this team is terrible.
Atrocious performance from Kadlec, Sivoc, and Selassie. Lethargic efforts from
Hübschmann, Rosicky, Barros, and Jiracek. What can I say? I honestly thought
the recent fine form of Rosicky and Jiracek would carry over into the
tournament. I honestly thought we’d see Polak and Stajner. I honestly…..look,
I’ll level with you: I honestly fucked up. Pure and simple. They will play
better, but that says about as much as a pledge to ONLY drink six glasses of
scotch in place of one’s usual ten.”
4) From Today:
Hi. Present Vicey here. I believed that the Czechs would
draw. I could not foresee that they would score two goals within six minutes. I
give them decent odds against the Poles. Mind you this is present Vicey
speaking. Hello to future Vicey, who will surely put these sentences in italics
as a means of foregoing any additional creativity. How’s it going, future
Vicey? You’re a pathetic loser! You’re even worse than past Vicey. Most people
improve with age. You keep getting older, stranger, and more ridiculous. Fuck
you. You suck harder than Nancy Reagan on an up-and-coming actor. GO FUCK
YOURSELF LOSER!
--The Greeks were offsides a record 452 times in
tonight’s match. That’s the record for football at least. I’ve been drunk in a
club and gone offside with no fewer than 453 women. Beat that, sheep-shaggers!
--In an adorable
little segment, German television interviewed Czech centre-back Michael
Kadlec’s father during halftime. Miroslav Kadlec played for my hometown club,
FC Kaiserslautern, for nearly a decade. He begat Michael in 1984, a young
Leverkusener almost talented enough to play for the German national team. The
father had great accolades for his son. Rightfully so. He played superbly this
evening. The whole charming little affair got me thinking. What if MY father
was interviewed about this evening’s performance?
Interviewer: Well, Herr Vice. How do you think your son
did tonight?
Papa Vice: He did okay, though he really didn’t apply
himself.
Interviewer: How so?
Papa Vice: Well, when you commit yourself to something
you should do so fully. Peter is still too interested in having something
resembling a social life to take his work seriously enough.
Interviewer: And by that you mean?
Papa Vice: I mean he’s too lazy to devote 100% of his time
to his Sportsbook. I’ve noticed that he works very hard at it even though it’s
just a hobby, but he also takes time to chat up girls and play with kids.
Perhaps if someone gave him a paycheck he would be capable of neglecting
everything else.
Interviewer: Are you, in fact, not Vicey’s father?
Something tells me you’re nothing more than an amalgam of his own thoughts.
Papa Vice: That would be correct. I worry. I occasionally
tell other people what to do. I criticize, criticize, and then criticize some
more.
Interviewer: Then you are Vicey’s father?
Papa Vice: No, I’m Vicey. Just with more years, more
experience, and a better job.
Interviewer: Danke schön
Papa Vice: Bitte sehr.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
I know I just finished a bitter rant on parenting, but now I’d like to acknowledge how unimaginably difficult it is. My poor father had the misfortune to beget a smartass. That applies to my mother as well. Two smart people elected to breed and they got a smartass. If there’s one thing professors can’t stand, it’s a Klugscheiße. No one likes a smartass. I learned that the hard way ; )
--Oh Cech. What’s with you, man? What sort of top tier
keeper makes amateur errors like these in EVERY major tournament? Who the hell
dubbed you a top tier keeper, anyway? I know five-year-olds with more sense
that to run out toward a ball with two strikers lurking. I know two-year-olds
who could have clasped that floater!
--Bilek’s own fans booed him when his name was announced
during warm ups, but his selection was brilliant. As previously mentioned, the
bench lacked sufficient depth for an overall of the back four. Thus he swapped
Limbersky for Hubnik, moved Kadlec in and flipped Sivoc. He put Jiracek on the
left wing and switched Pilar over to the right. As predicted, Hübschmann took
Rezek’s place, but was slotted into the tamest area of the midfield Jiracek
tore apart the back line missing Sokratis and Avraam for the electrifying
opener. Rosicky split the disastrous duo of Kyriagos and Katsouranis again
three minutes later finding Selassie on the overlap. Selassie’s cutback for
Pilar might have been easily booted away had Katsouranis been more familiar
with his defensive obligations. Instead it was 2-0.
--We’re in for a photo finish in this group. The Pirates aren’t finished yet either. Coach Fernando Santos will be able to field a more competitive eleven against the Ruskies. Sokratis and Avraam should return. Keeper Kostas Chalkias, who was also lost to injury in the 23rd, will likely be back.
--We’re in for a photo finish in this group. The Pirates aren’t finished yet either. Coach Fernando Santos will be able to field a more competitive eleven against the Ruskies. Sokratis and Avraam should return. Keeper Kostas Chalkias, who was also lost to injury in the 23rd, will likely be back.
--Great game, Jiracek. Less theatrics next time. You took
a knee to the thigh. No excuse for behaving as if you have menstrual cramps.
--Four yellow cards is a bit much for a Wolfgang Stark match. The most famous Kraut ref usually keeps matters under control. Nothing much more to say here, except that I’ve resolved to name my son “Wolfgang Weis”. Why has this name declined in popularity so steadily? Name your kid “Wolf”. He’ll be grateful all throughout his teens!
--Schwanz Befürworter update: He selected the same starting
eleven for the first time in his career…..and it didn’t work. Look for him to
make at least four changes before facing off against Greece. Incidentally,
thanks to all you who pointed out that “Advocaat” means “lawyer” in both Dutch
and Danish. It works in old German as well. We’re I to construct a true German
gag; I could re-christen him “Schwanz Rechtsanwalt”
--As diminutive a man as Alan Dzgaoev happens to be, it
appears we have our first favorite for the golden boot. Anyone up for a
straight up bet?
--LEWANDOWSKI!! Oh man…why couldn’t he have scored? That
would have been one of the ALL-TIME top ten goals. A one-touch volley from 30
yards! It was sick.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
He REALLY should have scored.
--Boenisch and Obrianiak nearly combined for some mega
magic as well. Poles should have won this game as well. Something tells me
they’re only fucking with us. This crescendo shit is all a mind game. Look for
a big coda tomorrow.
--For those who couldn’t follow the “Bringschuld” gag
from the Day 3 recap, here’s the lowdown on Jerome Boateng. The brave defender
of Ghanaian descent has been handed a starting position despite a late season
dip in form and questionable ability on the flank. As the Mannschaft’s greatest
question mark, he’s under enormous pressure to justify the faith Löw has placed
in him. How did he relieve himself of this crushing burden? He spent the night
prior to the match with a sexy lingerie model partaking in the promotional
event known as the “Bikini Penalty Shootout”. (For U.S. fans, it’s the
equivalent of the “Lingerie Bowl” during halftime at the Super Bowl). His coach
pooh-poohed the preparation regimen, so long as Boateng could fulfill the
commitments he made to the Mannschaft…..and did he ever. He played the game of
his life on Saturday. That, syndicate brothers, is “Bringschuld”. Work hard,
play hard.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Bringschuld, baby! Now everyone understands the
reference.
--If you missed Blaszcyczkowski’s super strike you missed
something special indeed. With confidence and pace he blasted it home. Quite a
treat.
--Off to prepare for my hot date this evening. Matchday
in the Fatherland and I’m escorting the hottest girl in all of Germany. Her
name is Carolina. She’s nearly two-years-old and today is her first
Mannschaft-Spiel! She’s at that age when she picks up words left and right.
Hopefully she’ll learn “DEUTSCHLAND!”, “Tor!”, and “Yippee”. Should things go
south for our Nationalelf, she might just pick up a few profane things from me.
“Scheiße!”, “Überscheiße”, and “Verfickte Überscheiße”.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
The Syndicate remains a private affair. No one will be
exposed. This I promise you. Suffice to say that little Caroline didn’t
accompany me to the Holland match. You’ll never know anything about the girl
who did. Caroline’s name was mentioned only because….she earned it. Even the
most hard-hearted Shadow Scholar can’t help but appreciate spending an entire
afternoon playing with pine-cones. Kids can show you all sorts of things that
you’ve long since forgotten. They’re amazing in that way. I’ll never have any
of my own to brag about. At least I can ‘rent’ other peoples’ kids for the
weekend.
Don’t disappoint an innocent little girl, Brüder. AUF
GEHT’S JUNGS!!
Turkey—“The Crescent Stars”
Welcome back, brothers!!! It’s been EIGHT LONG YEARS!!
Hell’s to the yes! I couldn’t be more exited about the return of the “Tenacious
Turkmen”. Even if you told me I was entitled to a life-time supply of
guilt-free sex on pristine beaches with women who understood that I need to be
left alone on occasion, I wouldn’t be as ecstatic as I am now. Like any good
Kraut, I love my Turkish brothers. I love them more than I’ll ever love Jesus.
The Christian Messiah never did a damn thing for me. He evidently multiplied
loaves and fishes for a bunch of First-Century Palestinians, but hundreds of
Turks have made me a Döner Kebab. Jesus never made me a Döner Kebab. God
couldn't create such a perfect concoction even if he worked seven days a week
like I do. If they don’t serve Döner Kebabs in heaven, I’ll happily live in
Purgatory until they do. 
Yes, I’ll miss the Altintop brothers. Halil was the last
legitimate star that my poor forlorn FC Kaiserslautern had. By the looks of
things, he might be the last legitimate star that they’ll ever have. Some names
for you to get used to include young phenoms Emre Mor, Ozan Tufan, and Oguzhan
Ozyakup. 21-year-old Galatasaray Defender Ahmet Tilmaz Calik looks promising as
well. It’s going to be great to see Nuri Sahin and Arda Turan again. Mehmet
Topal is back as well. There’s one more player to tell you about, and he’s down
below.
For now, we’ll just say Bida HAH! Juchu!
Projecting the Turkish Lineup (4-1-4-1)
Burak Yilmaz
|
Gökhan Töre Hakan Calhanoglu Arda Turan
|
Nuri Sahin
|
Selcuk Inan
|
H.K. Bata Gökhan
Gönül M. Topal C. Erkin
|
Volkan Babacan
|
The Talisman—Hakan Calhanoglu 
Get used to the name. It’s hard as hell to pronounce. I
remember witnessing him live back in 2012 over at Wildparkstadion when he was
playing for Karlsruher SC. He scrambled all over the pitch in a desperate
effort to keep them from getting relegated into the Third Tier of the
Bundesliga. In a surprise move, he opted to stay with the KSC for another year
in the bottom level of the German professional league. In the 2013 season he
netted 17 goals to get Karlsruhe back into the Second Bundesliga. Since then,
the man from Mannheim has put in solid performances for Hamburger SV and Bayer
Leverkusen. He’s been quoted as saying he wants to be “The Turkish Meshut
Özil”. Quite a shame that he didn’t want to be “Another German Meshut Özil”. Oh
well. Your friendly bookie wishes him all the best! “A Syndicate Classic—Turkey”
From EM 2008—Quarterfinals
Friday
Croatia vs. Turkey
vs.
How could I have doubted you, dearest
Turks? This is your year! With the Greeks gone, you now have an important
responsibility, as "the ugliest team the tournament" Don't let me
down!
One wonders if we’re in store for
another fantastic finish. The Turks get two of their injured defenders back to
play adjacent to a possessed Hamit Altintop. Nihat and Tuncay have us all
asking Emre WHO? The crescent Stars don’t need their captain. They make do.
“You have to believe!” Can they win without suspended goalkeeper Voltan
Demirel? “You have to believe!” Well, considering backup Rüstü Recber has 116
Caps and led the Turks to the 2002 Semifinals, it’s not that much of a leap of
faith. What about the suspended
charismatic midfielder Mehmet Aurelio? “You have to believe!” What about the
injured Mehmet Topal. Enough of your cheap skepticism. “You have to believe!”
THE LINE: Turkey +1 Goal
Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Turkey 2, Croatia 1. (3:1 PSO)
I sincerely doubt we’ll witness something like this again. One hundred and
twenty minutes. Two goals. One coming in the 120th, with the
equalizer following in the
123rd. After beating away solid efforts from Kranjcar, Ollic and
Klasnic for 119 minutes, Rüstü understandably had a lapse in concentration,
giving away a rebound to Modric. Modric flipped for Klasnic, who headed in what
was sure to be the game winner.
The
celebration was deemed excessive and thus the Italian referee judged he would
allow a few more seconds tick to away after the announced two minutes of injury
time. As he glanced at his watch, lips on the whistle, right hand in the air he
elected to tolerate one last effort from a rushing Semih Sentürk who had just
stepped inside the box. Sentürk let fly and, thanks to the slightest of
deflections of Robert Kovak, beat Slipe Pletikosa in the far post. It is
EXTREMELY rare to hear the final whistle blow right as the ball strikes the back
of the net.
Croat
Coach Slaven Billic went apeshit. All across the university gym where I was
watching, corn-fed American doofuses dropped their weights and remarked,
“Wow..that was pretty cool dude.” I,
literally a nanosecond away from losing a great deal of money for my
sympathetic Turkish leanings, dropped to my knees and communed with Jesus and
the Angels like that five year old during his emergency appendectomy. A
shoot-out win counts as a one-goal victory. The tenacious Turkmen, Rüstü
Recber, and I saw the quickest reversal of fortunes ever. Never again will life
turn around so fast.
Arda,
Sentürk, and Altintop all converted their penalties. Rüstü saved Modric,
Rakatic, and Petric. The weights stayed down all throughout the University of
Missouri workout lair and even the roided-up guys watched the shootout
intently. That’s international football, gentlemen. Most of those guys likely
couldn’t have found these two countries on a map. Nevertheless, they remained enraptured for
ten grunt-free minutes.
“You
have to believe!”
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (2 to 1 Odds for Bookie)
1)
Spain 2)
Turkey 3)
Croatia 4)
Czech Republic
Overall
Championship Odds
Spain
(Straight up) Turkey
(6 to 1) Croatia
(12 to 1) Czech
Republic (24 to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
Spain
(NO BETS) Turkey
(NO BETS) Croatia
(Straight up) Czech
Republic (4 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds
Spain
(NO BETS) Turkey
(Straight up) Croatia
(4 to 1) Czech
Republic (8 to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
Spain
(NO BETS) Turkey
(2 to 1) Croatia
(6 to 1) Czech
Republic (16 to 1)
