Introduction—“Ronaldo’s Last Hurrah”
(Portugal, Austria, Hungary, Iceland)
We’re marching forward, Syndicate Members. These colorful
Preview Sections are now officially over. Nothing more but Lines and Riffs from
this point onward. It’s a bit early to begin discussing riffs, but what 36-M
just sent me deserves a paragraph or two. Syndicate Member 36-M is a very
talented writer. He simply fails to fully comprehend the imaginary obstacles in his way. I woke up this morning to the
following e-mail. Your friendly bookie’s counter is enclosed.
Mailbag
Reader:
I wish I were as talented as you, Vicey. If only I could bang out pages like
you do. If only I were so strong.
Vicey:
(laughing uncontrollably)
Don’t
go minimizing yourself, 36-M. your friendly bookie isn’t as strong as you
think. He was barely strong enough to obtain his Undergraduate Degree. He
wasn’t anywhere near as strong enough to make it through Graduate School. In
point of fact, it’s necessitous for you to know that my Graduate School Program
pitched me because I was too weak. I wish I had it to do all over again,
brother. I wish I were in your position. Like most “Shadow Scholars”, I was
merely a well-read weakling. Focus on being the “Strong Scholar”. You’ll find
your way. You’ll make it!!
Portugal—“The Navigators”
Contrary to what you may have been lead to believe based on
the title of this group, this competition may actually not constitute Cristiano
Ronaldo’s “last hurrah”. At the age of 31, he shows absolutely no sign of
slowing down. He just netted 51 (!) goals in 48 appearances for Real Madrid en
route to another fantastic finish in the UEFA Champion’s League. In terms of
his touch, he hasn’t lost a nanometer. As if his uninterrupted beastly performances
for his club teams EVERY SINGLE SEASON aren’t enough, he’s consistently dazzled
for the National Side over the course of six consecutive summer tournaments.
Gentlemen of the Syndicate, I give you the undisputed best professional
footballer in the history of the game. No debate. CR7: The best there ever has
been and likely ever will be.
It would count as a crime against humanity if we don’t get a
chance to see him back in Russia in two years time. Your bookie is already
concerned. They’re qualifying group is no cakewalk. Moreover, how long can the
virtually NEVER injured Ronaldo escape the inevitable breakages that come with
this highly physical sport? No man is made of stone. I’ve no doubt that the
reasoning of aged players who decide that working over the Summer for their
country isn’t worth it doesn’t apply to the notoriously vain CR7. He never
relents in his quest for glory. A major international title remains the only
professional accomplishment he hasn’t yet obliterated. Should the Navigators capture
their first star here, he may retire from international competition….or he may
return for Russia simply to sport a new haircut ; )
So much space is devoted to Ronaldo because it almost
doesn’t matter what supporting cast will be accompanying him this time around.
You could pair him with a cadre of retarded Emus and he’d still probably score
a brace. Rest assured that he will find some way to leave us breathless.
Consider it a certainty, much like his 8-hour-long “hair consultations” with
his stylist. He’ll give us something memorable.
Let’s talk about the other characters for a bit. Nani and
Ricardo Quaresma return, mostly for sentimental reasons. Neither one of them is
up to much in semi-retirement over in the Turkish League. Lanky Lille striker Eder
will serve as the official center forward, but expect CR7 to improvisationally
eclipse him before too long. Pepe, Bruno Alves and Ricardo Carvalho are
seriously getting on in years. For these old friends it most definitely will be
“the last hurrah”.
We might be bidding farewell to Joao Moutinho too. Peaking
players to keep an eye on include midfielder William Carvalho, keeper Rui
Patricio, and “joker” Adrien Silva.
Projecting the Portuguese Lineup (4-1-2-3 )
Eder
|
C. Ronaldo Nani
|
D. Pereira W. Carvalho
|
J. Moutinho
|
Cedric B. Alves R.
Carvalho Pepe
|
Rui Patricio
|
The Talisman—Cristiano Ronaldo 
There’s a great deal of space devoted to him above. Should
you have time this “hump-day” evening, there’s even more praise for him below.
Simply the best. Better than all the rest. Better than any footballer that
we’ve ever met. Rock on, CR7. Please don’t go anywhere anytime soon. Note that
all of these highlight reels are of his RECENT skills and tricks. He just keeps
getting better. It’s bizarre. “A Syndicate Classic—Portugal”
From EM 2012—Day Thirteen Recap:
Day 13: Recap
Record—
Spread: 6-19
Straight up: 10-10-5
Er…..A little help over here Navigators? Trying to set a
reasonably lucrative spread in these parts. All of you bout’ to make me lose my
mind…up in here…up in here. No serious financial calamity to report. Like DMX,
I’ve been through “mad” different phrases before comfortably coming out in the
black. Nevertheless, congratulations to all of you who picked the Czechs to
beat the two-goal spread. Quite the gambling oddity as Ronaldo and Co. failed
to get a second out of that brutal second half onslaught.
The Navigators outshot Narodak 20-2. C. Ronaldo twice turned
some slick tricks into clanks off the aluminum. Moutinho, Almeida, Nani, and
Joao Pereira all either forced Cech to bring out his best or were millimeters
away. Raul Meireles skied THREE excellent chances that, as the trailer, he
could have easily beaten the whole outfield with. To add soul-crushing insult
to career-ending injury, Cech came forward to serve as an extra body in the 87th
–one minute after I lost a Peckhart prop bet—and the Navigators had
nearly five minutes to simply loft another goal into an empty net. Tsk tsk. Had
I not won every other prop bet, a shirtless bookie would currently be sipping
coffee garnished by his own salty tears.
Thoroughly dominant fixture from the Navigators, who look
frighteningly capable of plowing their way all the way through to finals. Teams
typically average about 7 km of distance during an evenly contested match. The
Portuguese covered over 11 km with constant possession, passing sequences of
five links or more, and a schmoove tempo that got nearly everyone on the ball.
Christ, were they good. C. Ronaldo played his best match all year. The
lubricious son of a bitch slipped through and past everyone as if he had that
oleaginous hair gel on his feet.
Hot Girl Standings---
Country
|
Tally
|
Games Played
|
Ukraine
|
101
|
3 (finished)
|
Poland
|
51
|
3 (finished)
|
Sweden
|
49
|
3 (finished)
|
Spain
|
46
|
3
|
Ireland
|
44
|
3 (finished)
|
France
|
44
|
3
|
Portugal
|
38
|
4
|
Russia
|
32
|
3 (finished)
|
Greece
|
31
|
3
|
England
|
26
|
3
|
Germany
|
25
|
3
|
Croatia
|
22
|
3 (finished)
|
Italy
|
21
|
3
|
Netherlands
|
21
|
3 (finished)
|
Czech Republic
|
20
|
4 (finished)
|
Denmark
|
15
|
3 (finished)
|
After getting off to an atrocious start, the Czechs
gradually recovered to move out of the cellar. The French no longer carry the
dubious distinction of finishing dead last. This year the Danes receive the
anti-honor. Apologies to my precious peninsulars for the way things shook out
empirically. As your friendly bookie is always fond of saying, that’s just how
the cookie gets totally stomped on and obliterated.
Fine showing for our Portuguese pets. The
disproportionately influential sliver of Iberian coastline remains a land 10
million strong, but they’re always outnumbered in the stadium. Fortunately our
cameramen were up to the task, picking out the maroon pockets quite deftly.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
How the Portuguese found 38 Hot Girls through four rounds
continues to defy logic.
Ramble On, Vicey.
--Outmanned and under the gun, one just sensed that
Michal Bilek would try to pull of something risky and unexpected. We got it in
the form of an inaugural international cap for twenty-one-year old Vladimir
Darida. The audacious move nearly reaped dividends as the surprisingly swift
Czechs got the better of early play. Darida came within a hair of setting up
Baros with a crisp cross in the 17th. Had the former Merseyside
striker been a few years younger –and hence faster- the Czechs might have been
off to an early lead. Excellent choice.
--Whilst the Navigators took time to find their footing,
Sivok also needed just a few more inches to connect with a Gebre Selassie cross
in the 2nd and Thomas Hübschmann tried his hand at some nifty lateral moves to
consternating success. Pepe went full spread to cut him down in the 27th.
Within five minutes any speculation of Czech shocker would be squelching by
Ronaldo’s breathtaking bicycle. He was in the mood and there would be no
stopping him. Difficult to fathom that the Czechs were not, in fact, D.O.A. in
this one. It took thirty solid minutes for the Portuguese to realize that
Ronaldo was being quadruple teamed and the rest of the team could be found wide
open.
--The Czechs call Petr Jiracek the “hairy angel”. I do
believe “Jesus Lebowski” is a superior designation.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Who hasn’t met a “Jesus Lebowski” in their life? There’s
a “Dude” in every last classroom, work environment, and extended
household.
--How concerned should we be about the Postiga injury?
Doubtful it will even slow them down a notch. Hugo Almeida appears every bit
the player he was during his Bremen days. He can fill those center forward
boots quite readily.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
The Postiga injury ended up costing the Navigators a
place in the finals ; (
--Should Spain win as anticipated on Saturday, we’ll be
treated to these hideously ugly Portuguese alternates once more. Ech. Only the
Krauts should be allowed to wear white.
Editor’s retroactive notes:
Nothing wrong with obsessing over uniforms. ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING!
--Hate to come down on Howard Webb (one of UEFA’s most
reliable stalwarts), but the booking of Nani in the 26th was beyond
egregious. Mutual jostling meant he should have just let it go. A rattled Nani
then miffed chanced in the 37th and 43rd. He also failed
to spot Mountinho wide open on the left flank in the 41st. More
centering failures in the 74th and 76th. At least it
wasn’t a total nightmare for Pierluigi Jr. The booking of Veloso in the 27th
was correct and he fairly resisted awarding any penalties on 50-50s.
--An overall above average game for Joao Pereira. Still
NEVER want to see a corner like the one in the 20th? In back of the
net? Even I, notoriously awful on corners, have never managed that.
--Total camera shots of Luis Figo in the stands: 23,823.
Dammit. I know the Portuguese don’t travel well, but how many times did we need
to see that greaseball?
--Decent ideas from Moutinho, Meireles, Pereira, Nani,
Coentrao, and Veloso all game long. A superhuman save from Nani on the right
flank in the 52nd along with a spiffy little shake-and-bake in the
68th. A torpedo on frame from Moutinho in the 63rd.
Impeccable timing from Almeida in the 46th, 64th, and the
77th.even if his final touch was off. Skys from Meirless in the 55th,
74th, and 86th. Just wasn’t the day or an otherwise
perfect trailer.
--Did Ronaldo deserve to look straight into the camera
and dust off his Lou Ferigno impression? Hell yes. What an amazing night. To
document his slickness fully.
1) 24th – A commanding set-piece bender that
skirted around the wall and within two feet of the back of the net
2) 26th – Ronaldo takes on EIGHT defenders,
sweeping past six of them before being out tackled
3) 32nd – The infamous bicycle. Spotting an
unclaimed floater, he patiently timed his leap for full contact.
4) 34th – Another laser of a set piece blazed
past a four man wall.
5) 46th – Ronaldo chests down a precise cross,
controlling it off the volley and firing off a 180-degree turn. Sadly, the
three consecutive marvelous moves conclude with a strike of the post.
6) 48th – Two minutes after the restart, he
picks up right where he left of. Another set-piece scorcher (this time from a
good 30 yards out) zips past the wall and Cech to strike the right post.
7) 53rd – He’s within inches again, one
touching a Nani delivery past Cech…but also less than a foot past goal
8) 79th – What a finish. From outside the 18
he senses that Moutinho’s cross will end up being just a smidgen too high for
Almeida. He then sprints into the penalty area to direct a vicious header
downward. The effort turns out to be so emphatic that it bounces off the ground
and nearly bursts through the top of the net.
9) 85th – What an exquisite dance around
Kadlec. That, my friends, is how one turns a trick!
One can scarcely hope for much better of an evening. I’d
give him an “A+++”, but that would just
be kitschy.
be kitschy.
Grades--
Portugal
Christiano
Ronaldo
|
A+
|
Joao Moutinho
|
A+
|
Pepe
|
A+
|
Joao Pereira
|
A+
|
Hugo Almeida
|
A
|
Nani
|
A
|
Rui Patricio
|
A
|
Fabio Coentrao
|
A
|
Miguel Veloso
|
B+
|
Bruno Alves
|
B+
|
Raul Meireles
|
C+
|
Austria—“Unsere Burschen”
It’s all too easy to label this team “David Alaba & A
Bunch of Crap.” After all, that happened to be the first thought to enter your
friendly bookie’s mind when he first learned that the “Über-Germans” would be
participating in the tournament. They simply weren’t on my radar. Your friendly
bookie tends to eschew news from the Eastern Front. The Austrians can be scary
people, for both obvious and cached reasons ; ) One must disassociate oneself
from such inherent predispositions and concede that this squad is actually quite
good. Former FC Köln and VfL Bochum Manager Marcel Koller proved the perfect
fit for the job. The Swiss-German patiently and sensibly pieced together a nice
little powder keg. Javoll. Gut gemacht!
Really enjoyed watching Marko Arnautovic’s hustle over a t
Stoke City this season. The former Werder Bremen man seems poised to land
himself a “Top Four Contract” soon. This Lukas Hinterseer kid hasn’t exactly
been a star for FC Ingolstadt, but he’s made his contribution to their rise.
Martin Harnik is down a tick over at VfB Stuttgart after suffering a few
injuries, but still demonstrates great promise. Smart move from Koller to
snatch up Stefan Ilsanker and Marcel Sabitzer from RasenBallsport Leipzig.
That’s the kind of style your friendly bookie likes in a coach. Keep an eye on
young kids with budding egos and bring them in. It works. Trust me. ; )
Nigel Pearson built THE Championship Side. There’s no
denying that anymore. We’re not talking about Jaime Vardy here. How about his
signing of 29-year-old Christian Fuchs from Schalke? It’s ridiculous what a
keen eye for talent that man had. He built the Leicester City Giant…and Claudio
Ranieri/Andrea Bocelli were afforded the opportunity to sing and stomp on his
grave. Does no one else see this? Well..I suppose Andrea Bocelli doesn’t see
much of anything, so we'll conclude this little “mini-rant”.
Fuchs captains a solid defensive corps that also features
Sebastian Prödl and Alexander Dragovic. Robert Almer isn’t exactly Jürgen
Macho, but he’ll be strong enough in front of the woodwork.
This team can easily cruise to the semis, provided that
their execution matchers their paper potential. Good luck, Burschen. I look
forward to overcoming my fear of you!
Projecting the Austrian Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Marc Janko
|
David Alaba
|
M. Harnik J.
Baumgartlinger
|
M. Arnautovic
|
C. Fuchs S. Prödl
A. Dragovic G. Garics
|
Robert Almo
|
The Talisman—Marco Arnautovic
Pre-season commentators expected Stoke City to be much more
“sexy” than they turned out to be. No matter. Arnautovic supplied us with
plenty of splendor. The Carling Cup goal in particular won’t soon be forgotten
by this bookie. Fair warning: The “Super Slav” has a demonstrated-knack for
scoring “comeback goals”. On three separate occasions this past season he’s
rescued the Potters from certain doom. He may parlay such performances, or not.
In any event, keep an eye on him should the Austrians fall down early. He’s a
latent sparkplug.
“A Syndicate Classic—Austria”
From EM 2008—Round Two:
16) Austria 
Peter Weis,
Peter Weis,
Every morning you tweak me
Thin and white,
Full of spite,
You’re never happy to meet me.
Looking forward to singing you toward
the exit.
Austria vs. Poland
vs. 
It’s the battle of Red/White German Whipping Boys! Can I refer to this one as “Pommes Rot-Weiß”? Why am I asking myself for permission? Thanks to those of you who pointed out that Austrian keeper Jürgen Macho may moonlight as a professional wrestler should he need a fallback career option. I’m quite familiar with this line, as he used to tend goal for my hometown FCK. Many were the afternoons spent high playing FIFA at my place when some stoner would interject “Hey…your keeper’s name is ‘Macho’…hehehe…that’s funny.”
Like most anything else, you sort of
had to be there….and even then it wasn’t really funny. The world’s game
produces plenty of ironic names, but keepers seem to be disproportionately
represented. Lest we forget, Macho isn't even the most waggishly named keeper
in this tournament. That honor belongs to, for the fourth consecutive summer,
Italy’s Gianluigi Buffon. Two-time Mannschaft third stringer and current heir
to Oliver Kahn in Bayern Hans-Jörg Butt is likely to give me more headaches
after Lehman retires. “Hey Vicey….hehehe…your keeper’s name is…” Yes, yes I get
it. Pass the bong, Beavis. It’s pronounced [Boot] as in “Das Boot”, [Butte] as
in the city in Montana! I must pre-empt all you budding punsters out there.
Anyway, gentlemen, I think it’s about
time we had a Pick. Home-pitch advantage pulls the Austrians even with the
Poles. Accuse me of viewing them through Kraut-colored glasses if you must, but
I don’t see very much between them.
THE LINE: Pick em’
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Poland 1, Austria 1. As it turns out there was a great deal between the two
sides. After controlling the flow for 93 minutes, Marcin Wasilewski tugged on
the shirt of a streaking Sebastian Prödl inside the box, giving “Das Team” an
absolute last second penalty. Ooops-ski. An otherwise fantastic performance
down the drain. More scratch for the bookie.
Hungary—“The Magical Magyars”
Syndicate Debutantes. Your friendly bookie has not seen this
country in a major international tournament before. Curiosity reigns. I wonder
not only what they’ll be capable of producing on the pitch. A highly pertinent
question: How will they fare in the “Hot Girl Standings”? Anxious to scope out
the “Budapest Babes”. One more immature
remark before we delve into the actual team. How ironic is it that the
Hungarians qualified for their first international tournament since 1986 AND
they somehow got drawn into the same group as the Austrians? Wow. We really need
to exhume the corpse of Archduke Ferdinand and wheel his coffin out when these
two teams meet on June 14th. If the match ends in a draw, the
“Austro-Hungarian” Empire should reunite.
Excited to take a look at Adam Szalai. He’s been a
Bundesliga mainstay since 2010. Damn shame Hannover ’96 didn’t use him during
the their nightmare season. Captain Balazs Dzsudzak is a subject of intrigue as
well. He used to light it up for PSV Eindhoven during the late Naughts. There’s
also this new kid named Laszlo Kleinheiseler. He recently signed for Werder
Bremen.
German Coach Bernd Stock took the reigns of the “Magical
Magyars” after serving as a “wing-man” for Dotmund, Herta, Dortmund, and even
Olympiacos. He looks like a “Discount Rudi Völler”. Interested to take a look
at him too.
Projecting the Hungarian Lineup (4-4-2)
Tamas Priskin Adm Szalai
|
N. Nikolic B. Dzsudzsak
|
Z. Stieber
Akos Elek
|
Tamas
Kadar Zsolt Korcsmar
|
Richard Guzmics Adam Lang
|
Gabor Kiraly
|
The Talisman—Balazs Dzsudzsak 
Don’t ask me how to pronounce his name. It a’int happening. I
know that he’s been a much sought-after commodity on the fringes of footballing
clubs. Given the fact that he’ll be squaring off against Iceland in this group,
I’ll give him one chance to display the skills he purportedly has.
Deadline = June 18th.
After that I’m done with you.
“A Syndicate Classic—Hungary”
From WMQ 2009—“Der Wille zum Syndikat”:
Netherlands vs. Hungary
vs. 
Nothing much here for Louis van Gaal and the Brilliant
Orange to play for. Conversely, the “Magical Magyars” spilt a pair of lopsided
results in the previous round. Zoltan Gera’s men maintain a light advantage
over the Turks and Romanians, both of whom nip at the heels of a historically
cursed nation attempting to qualify for its first major international
tournament since 1986.
One has the sense that it’s now or never for the Magyar
descendents. Veteran internationals such as keeper Gabor Kiraly, fullback
Vilmos Vanczak, and striker Tamas Hajnal are already in their mid-to-late
thirties. All three have their retirement papers submitted and triple-stamped.
The once prolific Hajnal no longer lights it up for first and second tier
Bundesliga Clubs. The sole remaining hamlet he can find gainful employment in
remains….Ingolstadt…ugh.
With few promising players in the pipelines, the
Hungarians face another decade of football obscurity if they can’t pull it out
here.
That’s why we’re calling for…you guessed it….
UPSET ALERT!!
UPSET ALERT!!
UPSET ALERT!!
Dzsudzsak grabs a brace and Hajnal adds a late penalty to
cap an entertaining shootout.
THE LINE: Hungary +1 Goal
Iceland—“Strakarnir Okkar”
Now wait a second. I thought that we were covering a Men’s
Football tournament. What are the “Ice-Dottirs” doing here? This makes no
sense. We’ve all been charmed by this little eccentric Isle of 320,000 people
that somehow manages to always deliver us interesting Documentary Films
detailing the diverse livelihoods of the sparse amount of people living on this
tiny volcanic island where no trees dare to grow. What is going on here? The
last time your friendly bookie flew back from Europe, he went through Reykjavik
on “Iceland Air”. During the Transatlantic Journey, he watched six hours of
Documentaries on Icelandic Peasant Farmers.
None of this makes any sense. Your friendly bookie has also
“shadow-written” a few papers for Icelandic students. How can a country with a
population smaller than most American Southern Cities have room for both
peasant farmers and budding scholars? What the hell is going on here? These
peculiar descendants of shark-hunters continue to perplex me. What the
dottir-ing fuck is up? Your friendly bookie was raised in a Southern U.S. City
of at least 400,000 outlying occupants. There were plenty of farmers and
dedicated scholars among us…but that’s because there’s 340 Million people in
the country!
It might be the case the Iceland is just a weird microcosm
of humanity as a whole. It’s still fucked up. I’ll never be able to fully
accept it. ; )
Projecting the Icelandic Lineup (4-4-2 )
Koleinn Sigporsson Jon Bövarsson
|
Gylfi Sigursson Aron Gunnarsson
|
J.B. Guomundsson E. Hallreosson
|
B.M Saeversson H.H. Hauksson
|
R. Sigurosson K. Arnason
|
H. P. Halldorsson
|
The Talisman—Gylfi Sigursson “A Syndicate Classic—Iceland” From FEM 2013—Round Three:
10) Iceland (Previously #3 )
From FEM 2013—Round Two:
“Sorry girls. It was pure laziness that
led me to effectively skip over you as if you were some worthless backwater
like Mississippi. I fucked up. You have no much to offer this tournament. Your
striking beauty AND striking prowess shall henceforth not be overlooked!
Trouble is, it will take me time to sort through the tangled, sordid mess that
is your surnames. You’re all named Dóttir! I’m not kidding. Have I stumbled
into some sort of comically devised RPG dwarf village? I can’t reasonably be
expected to differentiate between you right away. Give me time. I’ll get to you
when I can. I do have a job, you know.”
I can’t believe I forgot! The suffix “dottir” means
“daughter”. All Icelandic children are named “sson” or “dottir”! Think of the
great Magnus VerMagnusson! Duh. Anyway, it’s been a pleasure getting to know
this team. Having been busy, I’m still a little slow on the uptake. No matter.
I’ll have more to write about this team….just not tonight ; )
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (3 to 1 Odds for Bookie)
1)
Portugal 2)
Austria 3)
Hungary 4)
Iceland
Overall
Championship Odds
Portugal
(Straight up) Austria
(14 to 1) Hungary
(18 to 1)Iceland
(68 to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
Portugal
(NO BETS) Austria
(NO BETS) Hungary
(8 to 1) Iceland
(12 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds
Portugal
(NO BETS)Austria
(4 to 1) Hungary
(12 to 1)Iceland
(20 to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
Portugal
(NO BETS) Austria
(8 to 1) Hungary
(14 to 1) Iceland
(50 to 1)
