Shadow Scholar Syndicate: EM 2016--Round of 16

Servus Syndicate Members,

The Knockouts are finally here! Quite a few surprises to discuss. How about the goings-on in Group F? Literally flipped on its head. Weird and wild stuff. The Magyars on top? The Austrians eliminated? The Icelanders through! Wow. The Croats topping Group D! The Welsh lording over their English Masters in Group B! The thrilling shootout between Hungary and Portugal. I could go on all night. That’s why we play the matches, gentlemen. That’s why we eagerly anticipate our Summer “Football Festival”. It’s magic. In this petty and perfunctory world, there’s nothing better than international football. Small wonder your friendly bookie got defensive when ESPN attempted to intrude upon our Summer Fun with their preachy and pretentious lecturing about “off-the-pitch” issues. Every hardworking human being deserved at least a few weeks off over the course of a calendar year.

Your friendly bookie doesn’t get weeks off….or even single solitary days off for that matter. The demands of his current station in life necessitate that he remain pre-occupied with what may kindly be described as a surfeit of “Podunk Cliqueishness”. ; ( So sorry, brothers. Know that, even if I find myself often running behind in this tournament, I’m enjoying hearing from you. I’m ecstatic to know that we’re all enjoying our football together…when we get a chance. We remain together. Throughout the entire history of the Syndicate, we’ve been watching these fixtures in different time zones. Even though I find myself in some warped alternate dimension known as the “Post-Work-DVR Timezone”, I still love all of you. I still think about all of you. I still care deeply about all of you. There’s still place for every last one of you in my large “bleeding-liberal heart”.

Enough of the sentimental stuff. Let’s rank the departing countries in accordance with our tradition and then proceed to rock some lines.

24^th Place- The Ukraine

The “Shevchenko Heirs” couldn’t even manage to score one goddamned goal. This team is in serious trouble. It might be decades before we see them again. Yulia Tymoschenko has a better chance of being re-elected President than this country has of qualifying for another major international tournament anytime soon.

23^rd Place- Russia

For those quick to complain that there isn’t any justice in this world, consider the embarrassing punishment that the 2018 Hosts just endured. Hooliganism nearly killed their tournament. They presently find themselves in hell in large part because of it. They now have less than two years to rebuild an completely depleted squad in time to host the entire world. They may not make it. Don’t be surprised if FIFA opts for a “Safety Country”

22^nd Place- Romania

Your friendly bookie had his doubts about the Transylvanians from the outset. Still didn’t project them to finish at rock bottom of the group. Sad to see another Tricolorii side fail to live up to the promise of the 1994-Glory-Days. Imagine being a 40-year-old die-hard fan from Bucharest. They halcyon days of your childhood will never return. ; (

21^st Place- Czech Republic

Time to drown your sorrows in vats of Pilsner-Urquell. Yes…I know that I’ve used that line before. I knew that I’d be using it again as soon as I first sat down to review the Narodak roster. They never had it. They never had a chance.

20^th Place-Sweden

Everyone bid farewell to Ibrahimovic. This surely has to be it. He couldn’t even supply us with one last moment. He had his final chance and let it slip away. Hell’s bells.

19^th Place- Austria

Un-effing-believable. Did not see this happening. Bayern’s David Alaba was totally M.I.A. throughout the entire tournament. Crazy bad performance turned in by the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest Winners. What a botched opportunity. Dragovic’s missed penalty summed up the whole sordid campaign. WTF?

18^th Place- Albania

It was all over before it really began. Nevertheless, one simply has to appreciate the effort put forth in their final match. Sadiku scored a pretty goal and the defense held their own without Lorik Cana. Hope to see these lads again sometime soon.

17^th Place- Turkey

NOOOOOOOOOO!!

My Turkish Brothers just died. ; ( Excuse me for being sullen and mournful. It’s a damned disappointing funeral. Unlike the early Ottomans, I don’t engage in the practice of fratricide. When my brothers die, a part of me dies ; (

Let’s give the Yank fans the final lines for the Copa America Centenario:

SATURDAY, JUNE 25^th—Third Place Match

USA vs. Columbia

vs.

Rematch! Rematch! Rematch! Klinsi’s US of A will atone for their early stumble against the Coffee Growers. I’m sure of it. In order to ensure that Stateside Bettors will get one last chance to bet on their team, we’ll debut this line as a “pick”. Get your wagers in early, as I don’t plan on giving away free money forever.

THE LINE: Pick em’

SUNDAY, JUNE 26^th—

Supreme Champion of the American Footballing Universe

Argentina vs. Chile

vs.

Quixotic bettors are more than welcome to bet on “La Roja Americana”. I’m backing the Argentines in a tight contest that might go down to penalties.

THE LINE: Argentina +1 Goal

We’re headed back to Europe, Gentlemen. There won’t be time to project lineups or get detailed with the Prop Bets this year. Consider yourselves lucky that I’ll spare you the diatribes. ; )

Prop bets remain available!!

SATURDAY, JUNE 25^th—

Switzerland vs. Poland

vs.

Lewandowski has to rear his teeth at some point. It’s his time. It’s his turn. Watch him grab a brace and systematically dismantle La Nati. He knows how to do it.

THE LINE: Poland +2 Goals

Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):

Over/Under ---4 Goals

120 Minutes— Straight Up

Penalty Shootout—Straight Up

Wales vs. Northern Ireland

vs.

Don’t miss this match. Call in sick if you must. Two of Great Britain’s provinces square off against one another in what promises to be an unforgettable battle. Your friendly bookie wishes that both sides could win….but that’s not how life/football works.

THE LINE: Wales +1 Goal

Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):

Over/Under ---3 Goals

120 Minutes— Straight Up

Penalty Shootout—Straight Up

Croatia vs. Portugal

vs.

Serendipity. Don’t let the Hungary vs. Portugal scoreline fool you. Two of the Hungarian goals came off deflections. Cristiano Ronaldo’s finishes were filthy, filthy good. Ronaldo, Nani, and Ronaldo again.

THE LINE: Portugal +2 Goals

Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):

Over/Under ---3 Goals

120 Minutes— 2 to 1

Penalty Shootout—4 to 1

SUNDAY, JUNE 26^th

Republic of Ireland vs. France

vs.

The “Luck o’ the Irish” just ran out. No way they beat the hosts in a high-pressure/high-value match. They did a great job whacking the Wops back into a corner….but it’s over.

THE LINE: France +1 Goal

Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):

Over/Under ---2 Goals

120 Minutes— Straight Up

Penalty Shootout—2 to 1

Deutschland vs. Slovakia

vs.

Thank the Football Gods! We’ll have no trouble manhandling Hamsik and Vladimir Weiss. Hamsik will have to consider getting a new haircut after this slaughter. He’ll find out that he a’int so special after all.

THE LINE: Die Nationalmannschaft +2 Goals

Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):

Over/Under ---3 Goals

120 Minutes— 2 to 1

Penalty Shootout—4 to 1

Hungary vs. Belgium

vs.

It’s over for the Magyars. A few fortuitous bounces got them this far. They’re not going any further once “De Rode Duivels” find their stride. Hopefully they’ll have enough class to finish with a flourish.

THE LINE: Belgium +2 Goals

Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):

Over/Under ---3 Goals

120 Minutes— 2 to 1

Penalty Shootout—3 to 1

MONDAY, JUNE 27^th

Italy vs. Spain

vs.

These “olive-skinned” people with their “Romance Languages” get on my nerves. Having taken the time to draw up their respective lineups, I’ll prognosticate a Spanish Victory…by a hair.

THE LINE: Spain +1 Goal

Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):

Over/Under ---3 Goals

120 Minutes— Straight Up

Penalty Shootout—Straight Up

England vs. Iceland