Salut Syndicate Members,
Jetzt geht’s endlich los! Better said/besser gesagt: “Il
heure c’est ou l’occasion ou Jamais”. Believe in the power of your “Friendly
Neighborhood Syndicate.” None of us subscribe to the petty politics of “here
and now”. Stand behind ze French..and rally behind them as they seek to prove
how utterly ridiculous the feeble attempts by primitive suicide bombers are to disrupt our gleeful way
of Western Life.
You’ll find your lines below. Sports Gambling is one of
those rights we should fight to the death to preserve. Lines may roll.
Friday, June 10th
France vs. Romania
vs. 
The Froggies better damn well deliver, and I’m not even
talking about the match yet. I expect full “Euro-Trash Extravagance” during the
opening ceremony. No one does frivolity quite like the Europeans. The U.S.
already set the bar fairly high with their “Copa America” Dancers in
flesh-colored outfits. Europe must punch back with all of its muster. Were I an
event coordinator at UEFA, there would be little doubt in my mind as to which
act should be booked. Haven’t you heard? Lyane Leigh and “E-Rotic” are back
together! I better see them here! The greatest manufacturer of horrifyingly bad
sex songs is back on the reunion circuit, and they even now feature a rapper
who isn’t profoundly irritating. If I don’t hear Liane belting out a
much-missed rendition of “Fitz love my Tits”, I’ll be quite disappointed.
If they’re already booked, I’ll settle for “Mr. President”,
“Dr. Alban”, “Bed & Breakfast”….whatever enduring mid-90s Euro-trash you
can find. As long as I don’t see Kylie Minougue, “Aqua”, or “Eifel 65” up on
the stage, we’re cool. Your friendly bookie is in the mood. It’s now been four years since I promised
syndicate members that I would write a Special-Release entitled “500 Shades of
Euro-Trash”. Believe it or not, this project remains ongoing. You’ll get it
someday. Writing pieces on 500 songs literally takes years. Insanely enough,
I’m still winnowing down from—no joke— thousands of candidates. You wouldn’t
believe how much Euro-trash ditties there are out there. I’ll deliver the best
of the Good, Bad, and Ugly….someday. ; )
After we get through the ceremonies, there remains a highly
important football match to watch. Expectations soar. One rabid French Fan hacked
every website he could find, everything from UEFA to Wikipedia, recording a
5-nil victory for Les Bleaus. Beautiful stuff! Provided they play with valor
and imagination, fulfilling this hopeful prophesy shouldn’t be much of a
problem.
Don’t let nerves get the better of you, Jungs. Pogba and
Martial. Clean slate from Hugo Lloris.
THE
LINE: France +2 Goals
Saturday, June 11th
Albania vs. Switzerland
vs, 
As covered in the Preview Section, it is anticipated that
the Swiss will deploy at least three players of Albanian descent in their
starting lineup. Your friendly bookie initially labeled these players “ethnic
Albanians” before realizing the horrid genocidal connotations of the words he
had just typed. Yikes! The Nati will have little difficulty dispatching the
land of their recruiting pool. Xhaka and Shaqiri won’t need to be especially
resourceful to penetrate the defensive line.
Your friendly bookie is nevertheless compelled to set a low
line based on the tendency of such tournaments to start sluggishly, and a few
tendencies he noticed in the pre-tournament friendlies.
Fleece your friendly bookie’s hunch if you so desire.
THE
LINE: Switzerland +1 Goal
Wales vs. Slovakia
vs. 
A significant amount of money has already come in against my
Group B Projection. Well done, lads. Your friendly bookie’s
“Anglo-Predilections” are a familiar force in these Summer Columns. I welcome
your attempts to exploit a force NOT to be reckoned with. Matters simply
wouldn’t be the same without them ; )
It’s tempting to mark this one a “pick”. Strong Slovakian performances in the pre-tournament friendlies
make me wince even more when selecting this line.
I will flaunt some faith and toss out a biscuit. The Welsh
shall debut strongly
THE
LINE: Wales +1 Goal
England vs. Russia
vs. 
Mother England faces a debut every bit as challenging as
their assimilated Dragons. The Three Lions are notoriously slow starters and
Hodgson will surely be conservative in his lineup selection. It occurs to your
friendly bookie that it will take Uncle Roy at least one match to come to the
realization that everyone else has already come to: Wayne Rooney shouldn’t
start.
I see them winning, but I don’t see it being expressly
entertaining. Expect Ingashevich & Co to shut down most of the potential
action. This will be one of those fixtures that comes down to a lame penalty.
Rooney will likely be the one to convert. Uh-oh. Will this prolong Hodgson’s
tough decision even longer? UH-OH. Danger alert!
THE
LINE: England +1 Goal
Sunday, June 12th
Turkey vs. Croatia
vs. 
Anxiously awaiting the debut of the “Tenacious Turkmen”, as
I hope that you are. If you’ve read the Preview Sections, you’ll be well aware
that this duel pits an ethnicity that I love dearly (My German-Turkish
Brothers) against a classless one that I love to hate (the filthy Croats and
their fucking flares).
I’ve little choice but to set such deeply seated
prerogatives aside and make this one a “pick”. Careful study of both projected
team lineups lead me to the inevitable conclusion that they’re evenly matched.
Bookie picks a draw.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Poland vs. Northern Ireland
vs. 
It won’t be pretty. Lewandowski may not have made his
presence felt in the stale pre-tournament friendlies, but he’s merely biding
his time. Trust me. As humdrum as the Poles have looked in their mundane
warm-up matches, this Kraut remains scared. The Poles stand poised to unleash
the Krakken…whatever the hell that means.
The potential of this latest incarnation of the “Bialo
Czerwoni” will manifest itself on the pitch come Sunday. They’ll storm out.
THE
LINE: Poland +2 Goals
Deutschland vs. The Ukraine
vs. 
Speaking of strong starters, I’ll afford you an opportunity
mates. All of the suppressed energy of a Jogi-Löw-Side spills out once they
play their first meaningful match. Must I really remind you of “Der Müller
Rausch”? Though we may no longer have Phillip Lahm and Miroslav Klose,
“Marvelous Müller” is still a live fish in our large pond. Don’t count him out.
He’s a true wizard. He not only exhibits mastery of positioning on the field,
he’s a world class champ off of it.
One fears that Löw will give Gomez the start, just as he did
in Euro 2008. Resist the urge, Jogi! Deploy Götze up front as a “False 9”,
flanked by Müller and Kroos. That’s the way. Try not to look to sexy if it
rains. : )
THE
LINE: Deutschland +2 Goals
Monday, June 13th
Spain vs. Czech Republic
vs. 
Their comeback begins now. Koke and Iniesta will be
responsible for directing midfield traffic. Busquets can help too. David Silva
and Pedro will exercise technical talent on the ball. Pique is capable of
scoring should his forwards let him down. Vamos, Furia Roja.
VAMOS!!
THE
LINE: Spain +2 Goals
Republic of Ireland vs. Sweden
vs. 
Your friendly bookie is done with the Irish. Done, done, and
done. With Giovanni Trappatoni out of the equation, I don’t even care about
this team anymore. Källstrom and Ibrahimovic show a great knack for adding that
one singular moment of magic to a complete stinker. Remember 2006. Ibrahimovic
with a long range effort close to the 90th.
The Swedes Steamroller gets into second gear.
THE
LINE: Sweden +1 Goal
Belgium vs. Italy
vs. 
Chiellini and Bonucci will do their job. They’ll be stingy
and miserly. Thank your friendly bookie for giving you a great line on which to
bet. You’re very welcome, wop bettors.
Prego. Prego.
Gracie. Gracie.
Tuesday, June 14th
Austria vs. Hungary
vs. 
They are never, never, never getting back together. Do
forgive the Taylor Swift reference. American Girls love blonde curls, farmer
romance, and steel fiddle. That’s why she’s so popular. Don’t hate on them for
not knowing about the once-mighty Austro-Hungarian Empire. It’s not their
fault.
They were watching Swift’s “Love Story”
…when they should have been watching E-Rotic’s “Help Me Dr.
Dick”
THE
LINE: Austria +2 Goals
Portugal vs. Iceland
vs. 
Christ is this going to be fugly. Welcome to the tournament,
Icelandic brothers. Say Hello to Europe and CR7. You’re about to die. Make
preparations for your funeral.
THE
LINE: Portugal + 3 Goals
GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS
