FWM 2015--Group E Preview

Introduction—“Ramba, Samba. Taeguk”

(Brazil, South Korea, Spain, Costa Rica)

       

Greetings on an most auspicious day! Sepp Blatter has FINALLY stepped down! It’s a fantastic day for Football Fans everywhere! Ding-Dong, the wretched wanker is dead! We finally managed to skull-fuck the bastard! Rejoice, football fans! 

A seventeen-year-long reign of terror finally comes to a close. A glimmer of hope remains for those of us staunchly opposed to holding the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. The selection of a new FIFA President merits careful scrutiny. In the opinion of this bookie, it should be conducted with all of the ritualistic charm of a papal conclave. We’ll lay down some odds, Syndicate Members. What fun!

Plenty of exciting action on tap in this group. Marta’s Brazilians look to reclaim their “Samba Swagger”. Marta herself burst onto the Syndicate Radar back in 2011 with a radical redefinition of “scissor dribbling”. Her fancy footwork left everyone’s jaw squarely on the floor. Lack of strategic distribution led to an early exit for what was an unbalanced side back then. The new incarnation seeks to address the lopsidedness with a pair of young and energetic centerbacks as well as some re-tooling of an ineffective 3-5-2.

The Spaniards showed flashes of brilliance in the 2013 UEFA Women’s Euro. These chicas imbued that tournament with some of the most memorable moments. I fondly recall Jennifer Hermoso’s inspired 93^rd minute strike against the Norwegians and the epic 3-2 clash with the English that served as Veronica Boquete’s coming out party. “La Roja Feminina” should easily attain the Knockout Stages. It’s entirely plausible that they’ll head as deep as the semis too. 

Rounding out the group are a pair of Syndicate Debutantes. I’m infinitely pleased to meet the female version of my beloved Taeguks. The Costa Ricans stole all our hearts with their Cinderella Story last summer. Does another one brew?

Brazil—“The Samba Queens”

The Samba Queens return…and we can only hope they demonstrate better sportsmanship than they did in the 2011 Quarterfinals against the United States. The late heroics of Abby Wambach and Meghan Rapinoe literally rescued the sport from a most pathetic display from Kleiton Lima’s Samba Queens. 

They had clearly been instructed to milk the clock in extra time. By far the most disgraceful display came from sweeper Erika in the 117^th minute. Following an egregious act of pure simulation, she rolled around on the pitch touchline until the referee brought out the stretcher. As soon as she was loaded up, she shamelessly hopped off.

Disgraceful!

Justice was ultimately served. Australian referee Jacqui Melksam not only carded her for delaying the game, she appropriately indicated the right amount of added time to the fourth official. The proper allocation of additional minutes enabled Rapinoe and Wambach to rectify the unabashed attempt to cheat. How nice it is to see justice ultimately prevail in this world. ; ) 

It’s a rare occurrence in a godless universe. Somehow….on that particular day…it appeared as if a divine spirit intervened on behalf of football fans everywhere. Otherwise there exists zero evidence that a “Football God” watches over us. Just ask the Schalke fans ; ) 

Enough about the past. Ridiculously experienced Brazilian Head Coach Vadao has assembled an attack-minded squad fully prepared to tear up the pitch and light up the scoreboard. The Brazilians boast perhaps the most potentially devastating set of forwards in the entire tournament. Rosana and Raquel make way for Marta and Christiane up front. Formiga and Christiane drop back in order to allow Grazielle, Daniele, and Fabiana to make an immediate impact off the bench. 

As lethal as the striking corps may prove, the overhaul at the back remains a subject of concern. Tamires and Poliana are expected to fill the Centerback Void following the departure of Aline and Renata Costa. Erika and Fabiana swing outward to positions this bookie isn’t entirely sure that they’re prepared for. 

Forgive me if I remain just a bit skeptical of Brazilian defensive tactics. Something tells me that the art of molding an effective back four doesn’t exactly qualify as a South American Specialty. Such logic owes much to the following scoreline. Yes, it’s THAT time:

 Projecting the Brazilian Lineup (4-4-2) 

Marta    Christiane

Rosana                      Raquel

Formiga Andressa

Erika                           Fabiana

Tamires Poliana

Luciana

 The Talisman—Marta 

Was there honestly any other choice? “Mighty Marta” dances with supreme flair. She makes veteran ballerinas look like bumbling oafs. The Brazilian Game emphasizes improvisation above all else. That’s why the women don the Five Stars earned by the men. No other country specifically instructs its players to be as spontaneous as possible.

The Brazilians play the prettiest football on the planet…when they’re not getting their asses spanked by the Krauts. The women have a point to prove after last Summer’s shellacking. Marta will either lead the way…or she won’t. Keep a watchful eye on how frisky Marta is feeling. She means everything to this team. The two goals she scored against Norway back 2011 were two of the best this football enthusiast has ever seen.

 Who’s That Samba Queen? 

1) Fabiana isn't getting kicked out of bed anytime soon.

2) Neither is Erika

3) Tamires looks like she has something on her mind. I’ve something on my mind as well.

4) Thaisa can come on over whenever she wants

5) Everyone already knows how I feel about Marta

6) Tayla is an interesting new addition

7) Welcome back Maurine. She’s even shed some of her “chub”

8) Hello Gabi Zanotti! Nothing much doing here. Only wanted to say ‘hi’

Spain—“La Roja Feminina”

We last encountered our Sizzling Spanish Senoritas during their ill-fated attempt to get some sort of coherent formation together throughout UEFA’s 2013 Women’s Euro. I’m ecstatic to report that they appear to have found a solution. Ignacio Quereda benefits strongly from the emergence of Veronica Boquete.

Leave it to the girl from Galicia (or Galiza as the regionally-minded Spaniards would prefer) to FINALLY get the formation in order. The Spaniards are obessed with their regions. Trust me. Those living at the gates of Europe’s Citadel never fully recovered from the Muslim Invasion of the Early Middle Ages. We’ll elaborate on that… right now. 

Spain isn’t so much a country as a “collection of regions”. When Zapatero was Prime Minister, there wasn’t a more EU-enthusiastic country on the continent. Those days over. Rajoy and his PP are too myopic to envision a regional integration project aimed at protecting the “greater good”.

That in itself constitutes a great shame, as no one stands to reap advantageous rewards from regional integration projects more than the Spanish. You have your Andalusians. You have you Valencians. You have you Navarrian Basques as well as your Euskadian Basques. You have “The People’s Republic of Madrid” as well as “The People’s Republic of Barcelona”. Never the twain shall meet. You’re pitting Catalans against the Nationalists. And don’t get me started on Mallorca. That’s an entirely separate rant unto itself. 

To put it as concisely as possible: It’s a seriously fucked up country. They’ve won two consecutive European Championships…….and still they can't unite. They won the World Cup….and still they can’t unite. They invented the greatest tactical football system anyone has ever known (El Tiki-Taka)….and STILL THEY CAN’T UNITE. Every other week there’s another story in the paper about some referendum being held in some part of Spain about cessation. Damn holy-fucking-bloody-ball-fuck. WHY? Why must this be so? WHY?

Everyone’s hoping for a decent story. Can a Galician Girl lead them to glory? Keep your fingers crossed. This bookie is about to break a phalanx. : ) 

 Projecting the Spanish Lineup (4-2-3-1) 

Veronica Boquete

Sonia Bermudez     Jennifer Hermoso

Erika Vasquez

A. Putellas  S. Meseguer

E. Ibarra  R. Garcia  I. Paredes M. Torrejon

Ainhoa Tirapu

 The Talisman—Veronica Boquete 

She played for the “Philadelphia Independence” back in the Glory Days of the WPS. She scored five goals in a scant thirteen appearances for that club. She also managed to score seven goals in 21 appearances for FFC Frankfurt.

This lovely “Galician Gal” is no stranger to your friendly bookie. He knows what she is capable of. It's time for her to live up to her potential…or sink an entire squad. Do it, girl. Don’t let me down!

 Who’s That Scorching Senorita? 

1) Alexia Putellas gets a “10 Rating”. Period.

2) So does Silvia Meseguer….and I don’t care what you think!

3) Veronica Boquete may be the best female footballer on the planet these days…and she’s hot too.

4) Irene Paredes remains one to watch.

5) Ruth Garcia is almost too pretty.

6) Celia Jimenez graduates from the U-19 Squad

7) Victoria Losada is a cute little Catalan

South Korea—“Taeguk Nangja”

It’s no laughing matter. Koreans struggle with their choice of a “Western name”. Initially they’ll try to come up with a phonetic version of their character-based name. Need be, they’ll come up with something that vaguely resembles the phonetic pronunciation of the name bestowed upon them by their parents. Should that prove unpronounceable, they’ll assign themselves a vowel-consistent nickname that’s easy for everyone to remember. 

I’ll reiterate that it’s really not a laughing matter. How would you like to have to learn a vastly different alphabet while simultaneously learning to live in another country/culture? 

You’ve no right to judge! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Should anyone have any pedantic qualms, you’ll be sent to Siberia. Try learning the Cyrillic Alphabet. Go ahead and try, you useless rubes. The two Russian Syndicate Members know what I’m talking about. ; ) 

The Koreans have put together a very interesting squad. Ji-Son Yun spearheads the attack. Park Eun-Son and Kwan Hah-Nul kick upfield. Hwang Bo-Ram is a very interesting choice at fullback. I’m oh so very eager to see how she performs on the flanks.

Go Taeguks! Leave us breathless, you Asian Queens!

…..

…..

And now it’s time for an “Oldboy Reference”. Your friendly bookie loves that movie…screw Spike Lee and the bastard who tried to re-make it. Watch this scene.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmWo7m3zhZs

 Projecting the South Korean Lineup (4-2-3-1) 

Ji-Son Yun

Park Eun-Son  Yoo-Young-a

Kwan Hah-Nul

Jeon Ga-eul  Cho-So-Hyun

L. Eun-Mi  L. Seon-Joo K. Do Yeon H. Bo-Ram

Jun Ming-Kyung

 The Talisman—Ji-So Yun 

It takes quite a bit a bit to play for the “Chelsea Ladies”. Any and all opinions about Jose Mourinho need to be put aside. Ji-So Yun knows how to play. She ferociously attacks any and every loose ball.

She attacks with a murderous and barbarous determination. No one else is coming anywhere close to the ball; not if she has anything to say about it. She puts the “Oldboy Scene” to shame. Picture it to the power of ten.

 Who’s That Taeguk Princess? 

1) Defender Shim Seo-Yun looks even better in action.

2) Cho So Hyun defines everyone’s “Asian Fetish”.

3) Ji So-Yun doesn’t need long hair to be attractive. Neither do any other women!

I’m almost positive that the character-based script caused me to inadvertently overlook a few.

Take a “wide-angle” look at your “Red Angels:

Costa Rica—“Pura Vida”

Now that Sepp Blatter has resigned, we must officially endorse a 2022 World Cup in Costa Rica. Pura Vida! Pura Vida! Bring football back home! Bring it back home to those who have the passion and the decency to give a shit. Bring it back home to “Los Ticos”. Let them host the “Summer Festival”. Let the Latin Countries have their day. FUCK QATAR! 

“Pura Vida” loosely translates to “Pure Life”. Football exemplifies all that we wish for in that respect. We meet new people. We share fellowship. That’s what it’s all about, gentlemen. Your Cost Rican girls share that fellowship. They’re proud to present a talented lineup. Share the Summer with them, even if they end up losing all three of their Group Stage Matches ; ) ; )

PURA VIDA! 

PURA VIDA!

 Projecting the Costa Rican Lineup (4-4-2) 

Raquel Rodriguez  Gloriana Villalobos

Shirley Cruz Trana   Adriana Venegas

Maria Barantes  Wendy Acosta

Diana Saenez                     Daniela Cruz

Lixy Rodriguez  Diana Saez

Dininnia Diaz

 The Talisman—Gloriana Villalobos 

Check yourself, gentlemen. The Talismanic Girl is only 15!! It’s more than appropriate for you to write a song about a sixteen-year-old girl:

Just don’t catch me catching you writing a song about a younger girl.

15-years-of-age is still far too young. STOP THINKING DIRTY!!

Who’s That Tico Tart?

1) Melissa Herrera is worth a smile.

2) Shirley Cruz Trana doesn’t sweat. She glistens!

3) Raquel Rodriguez should find a husband before too long

4) Fabiola Sanchez too

Vicey’s Fearless Group Prediction (Straight Up for Bookie)

1) Brazil 

2) Spain 

3) South Korea 

4) Costa Rica 

Overall Championship Odds

 Brazil (Straight Up)

 Spain  (3 to 1)

 South Korea (5 to 1)

 Costa Rica (10 to 1)

Round of 16 Odds

 Brazil (NO BETS)

 Spain (Straight Up)

 South Korea (Straight up)

 Costa Rica (3 to 1)

Quarterfinal Odds

 Brazil (NO BETS)

 Spain (Straight Up)

 South Korea (2 to 1)

 Costa Rica (4 to 1)

Semifinal Odds

 Brazil (Straight Up)

 Spain (2 to 1)

 South Korea (4 to 1)

 Costa Rica (5 to 1)