FWM 2015--Round Three

Servus Syndicate Members,

Whew! Quite a bit of football to be watched, isn’t there brothers? Keeping tracks of all of it and all of you leaves your friendly bookie with meth-head-sized dark circles under his eyes. So many late nights. Are we covering the African Cup of Nations or what?

Those wishing to get in on a little additional Prop Bet action can wager on whether my head or my DVR will explode first. Bookie picks his head at 2 to 1. Any takers?

Of course it’s all worth it. You know full well that your friendly bookie wouldn’t have it any other way ; ) Extreme sleep deprivation is a small price to pay for the privilege of all those late-night phone calls. ; ) We’ve got some pretty decent football going on to. The USA vs. Sweden affair turned out to be less of a football match and more of a queef, but all the other contests were very entertaining.

My sincerest gratitude to each and every Syndicate Member who has sent in news, bets, and riffs. Work continues on a Mailbag section to accompany the Knockout Round Lines. It’s shaping up nicely, gentlemen. You’ve assembled some of your best wit yet. Putting together the Mailbag in later stages of the tournament is always pure ecstasy. I’m having fun.

For now we need to pump out some lines. My handicaps took a few nasty knocks in Round Two, as did my wallet.

Spread: 12-12

Straight Up: 13-8-3

Still not terrible, but we’ll be hoping to recapture the earlier swagger.

Let’s rank the countries.

 1) Brazil (Previously #9) 

Maximum points from their matches and a Knockout Round Berth force us to award them the top spot. The Samba Queens extend their unbeaten streak in Women’s World Cup Group Stage Fixtures. No team has managed to fell the Mighty Selecao over the past nineteen years. Does history influence my previous prosaic assessment of this team? Of course not. I still detect Eddys in the fabric. There are still disturbances in the wash! This team remains nothing to write home about.

Once again the fullbacks looked lumbering and slow. A dearth of creativity in the midfield meant they couldn’t advance beyond Formiga for most of the initial 45. We heard almost nothing from Thaisa, Cristiane, and Marta. Alves did her level best to carry nine other pedestrian outfielders on her shoulders.  She won’t be berated. Everyone else betrayed the legacy of Brazilian improvisational football. Ugly, turgid play all-around.

Andressa’s eye-catching long-range laser late on deserves props, but one should note that her job as a spot sweeper should center on distribution. The Brazilians need someone to dance around the base of the midfield pyramid. That’s the only way they clear their forwards upfield.

I stand by my assessment. Something is not right. Something is quite wrong. This squad may have attained the Knockouts, but they’re headed home soon. 

 2) Deutschland (Previously #1) 

Not concerned. A first half during which my Vaterland out-shot their rivals 19-1 may have lacked finishing, but I saw plenty of skill. Popp, Kemme, and Maier in particular exhibited some slick creativity. Sylvia Neid’s optimism retains merit. Loved her decision to remove the top complement to her pantsuit and “high five” her players. Jogi Löw knows how to dismiss a meaningless result. He hugged Klinsi after the U.S. captured that totally worthless victory on Wednesday. We don’t care. Deal with it. Eyes on the prize, gentlemen!

I harbor no bitterness against the Fjordmeisters. All they truly managed to do at the end of the day was keep matters slightly interesting. Matters would be different if they exposed some of our glaring weaknesses. We possess none. Deal with that as well. 

Our mutual draws fail to disrupt our mutual paths to the finals. I’ll see you there, gentlemen. Syndicate members 13-M, 24-M, and 8-F: I’m now finally ready to accept your wagers!

Without further ado, we’ll draw it up in our usual fashion.

 LINEUP—Deutschland (Match One) (4-4-2) 

Anja Mittag  Celia Okoyino da Mbabi

Alexandra Popp             Simone Laudehr

Lena Gößling Melanie Leupholz

Tabea Kemme                         Leonie Maier

Saksia Bartusiak  Annike Krahn

Nadine Angerer

 LINEUP—Deutschland (Match Two) (4-2-3-1) 

Celia Okoyino da Mbabi

Anja Mittag

Alexandra Popp          Simone Laudehr

Lena Gößling   Dzenisfer Marozsan

T. Kemme  S.Bartusiak  A. Krahn  L.Maier

Nadine Angerer

Neid dropped Popp, Laudeher, and Gößling back in preparation for a more worthy opponent. As predicted, Leupholz’s injury meant absolutely nothing. Maroszan proved more than ready to step in and step up. Mittag’s goal came courtesy of her skilled sniping. She also owned central midfield with an intimidating “Schweine-like” presence.

Popp and her have a surprisingly strong connection on the triangulations. If anyone should begin the third match on the bench, let it be Mittag. Leupholz and Maroszan can run the show all by themselves.

Maier and Kemme continue to impress as fullbacks. Love their tenacious hustle. Your friendly bookie will skip advocating any changes for the time being. It’s hardly worth it given that my Mädels now move on to face the Thais in another glorified training session. Perhaps I’ll have some more thoughts after that.

Let’s update the grades. Obviously, Pauline Bremer doesn’t get one.

 GRADES—Deutschland (Match One) 

Celia Sasic	A+
Anje Mittag	A+
Sara Däbritz	A+
Tabea Kemme	A+
Leonie Maier	A+
Simone Laudehr	A+
Lena Gößling	A+
Lena Peterman	A+
Alexandra Popp	A
Melanie Behringer	A
Melanie Leupholz	A-
Saskia Bartusiak	B
Annike Krahn	B-
Nadine Angerer	C+

 GRADES—Deutschland (Match Two) 

Alexandra Popp	A+
Dzsenifer Marozsan	A
Anja Mittag	A
Leonie Maier	A
Simone Laudehr	A
Tabea Kemme	A
Celia Sasic	B+
Nadine Angerer	B
Sara Däbritz	B-
Lena Gößling	B-
Saskia Bartusiak	C
Lena Lotzen	C-

Bartusiak earns poor marks for that silly foul in the 59^th. My chosen Talisman Lena Lotzen didn’t show us much in a full 45 minutes of relief. Gößling didn’t play anywhere near up to her ability. Däbritz probably shouldn’t be considered as the go-to option off the bench. Let’s see Lena Peterman get a chance!

Other than, we’re well on our way. I’ll reiterate that I’m not concerned. I’ll also reiterate my offer to 13-M, 24-M, and 8-F:

ALL BETS ARE ON, LADY/GENTLEMEN!

 3) Japan (Previously #14) 

Sameshima and Sugasawa took care of business. Moreover, they ensured us that Miyama, Sawa, and Ohno were nothing more than short-term memories. The acumen of the new-look Japs isn’t quite as polished as one might hope,….but it’s decent enough to keep their dreams of a repeat alive.

Watch this team grow in confidence. Watch them flower like true “Nadeshikos” Watch them overcome “La Nati”. Watch them overcome  “Les Indomitables”. Watch them cruise into the next round without any objection. 

 4) Columbia (Previously #16) 

How about this? Yorelli Rincon and Sandra Sepulveda didn’t care much for my thoughts on the prospects of Natalia Gaitan and Carolina Arias against the French Left. They just went out and played the match of their lives. Sepulveda pulled off some magnificent saves, even employing her fingernails if necessary.

Rincon deserves all the credit in the world for that opening goal. Awesome telegraphed pass! How about my girl Catalina Usme? What a splendidly composed finish! 

Hell yes! Twelve months removed from the sensation that was James Rodriguez, the Coffee Growers celebrate yet more miracles courtesy of their chromosomal counterparts. This constitutes great news for football fans everywhere. Your friendly bookie cares not about the trivial amount of money he lost backing the French. It’s only a few greenbacks.

When I first sat down to conduct some rudimentary research on the Columbian Women, I noted that Ospina, Montoya, Gaitan, and Andrade could really prove a dangerous midfield combo. They appear to be firing on all cylinders. I can easily see this squad punching through to the Quarters.

Fun stuff!

 5) Norway (Previously #3) 

Maren Mjelde redeems her herself with that perfectly executed set-piece. The technical skill of some players can be genuinely frightening. You wouldn’t believe how difficult it is to bend the ball around a wall of six players while still maintaining enough finesse for it to dip down afterwards.

I had no choice but to applaud that marvelous mastery even if it cost my team two points. Mjelde’s goal was on par with Ellis’s “LSD No-No”. Look both of them up if you get a chance, gentlemen.

Improved play from Wold and Guldbransen mean that the Norwegian team's tournament qualifies as “up-and-running.” I was pleased with Pellerud for giving Thorisdottir a chance as well. Syndicate Member 118-M wrote in to ask why I referred to male Norwegian manager Even Pellerud using female pronouns.

Hehehe. Your friendly bookie loves to play games and bury a few “Easter Eggs” for you. Stay vigilant and on the hunt! My frustration with Pellerud’s inexplicable lineups goes back a long way. Kudos to 118-M for unearthing that gem. ; ) ; )

No more games for the time being. The Grasshoppers are headed to the Knockouts and beyond. Hegerberg will contest for the Golden Boot.

 6) Australia (Previously #11) 

“De Vanna’s strike showed you that the ‘Waltzing Matildas’ know how to finish. Kyah Simon’s efficient conduct in relief was inspired……The ‘Outback Ovaries’ may have been deflated by the World’s #2, but that doesn’t mean that Kerr & Co. are anywhere near to being confused with quitters.”

That quote from Round One should adequately convey to you the respect I had…er…. “have” for the “Outback Ovaries”. The garbage that Elise Kellond-Knight and Emily van Egmond are putting forward has to stop. I believe it will stop. They’ll get it together. Keep an eye on the Matildas.  They’ll escape the “Group of Death” thanks to sheer will.

 7) Switzerland (Previously #22) 

Time to eat about ten goals worth of crow. Damn. Even Dick Morris couldn’t have set such a bad line. ; ( If you missed it, your friendly bookie rambled on about the one-dimensional nature of the Swiss attack for four full paragraphs, eventually talking himself into selecting Ecuador for the “upset special”. Oops. Ecuadorian left back Angie Ponce did manage to score two goals….into her own net.

Two record-breaking Hat Tricks from the Swiss Misses. Ouch. Your friendly bookie honestly never wants to hit the “Upset Alert” button again.

I foolishly wrote, “I’ve been able to gain some understanding of the “Schweiz System”. Fabanne Humm was labeled a “Stringer” as was Aigbogun. I sensed something was wrong with this notion when the latter slotted home in first half injury time. The former then smashed my theory to pieces with three goals in eight minutes after the restart. Fuck me. These girls are “stringers”. They’re lead strikers.

Humm tomahawked in her first in the 47^th, glanced in her second in the 49^th, and slid home for the Hat Trick in the 52^nd. A soft penalty got Bachmann moving in the 60^th and she caught the demoralized Ecuadorians napping a minute late. Little point in discussing the goals that followed. Once one goes up 7-0, the opposing team just wants to get off the pitch.

Your friendly bookie now knows he discounts the Swiss at his own peril. He still considers the “Goal-Gasm” to be an aberration. We won’t see anything remotely similar against better competition.

 8) USA (Previously #6) 

Relax. It was a learning experience. Solid defensive play compensates for the dullness of the attack. Promising scoring opportunities down the stretch leave most oddsmakers feeling optimistic. Certain mistakes will not be repeated. Rapinoe will recover her stride and Lloyd will get back into form.

They’re simply too talented to take their respective dips seriously. All of the media hype surrounding your girls remains justified. All of the talk concerning Sundhage’s comments might have been detrimental distractions. Don’t worry. You’re still going all the way to the Final. Your party is just getting started. 

Be more worried about me, brothers. ; (  That Vaginal Queef of a game nullified all of my energetic hyping of Women’s Football. Ugh. Your friendly bookie hates nil-nil draws! Where’s my dog-eared copy of the “Football Apologist Handbook”?  I desperately need to review the “Sometimes Nobody Scores” Chapter! Oh man. Stay with me, gentlemen. More exciting fixtures await us all ; (

Time to “draw it up”. Even a goalless draw furnishes us with some interesting talking points. You’ll see.

 LINEUP—USA (Match One) (4-4-2) 

Abby Wambach Sydney Leroux

Meghan Rapinoe             Christian Press

Carli Lloyd   Lauren Holiday

Meghan Klingenberg      Ali Krieger

Julie Johnston  Becky Sauerbrunn

Hope Solo

 LINEUP—USA (Match Two) (4-4-2) 

Sydney Leroux Christian Press

Meghan Rapinoe                Morgan Brian

Carli Lloyd   Lauren Holiday

Meghan Klingenberg      Ali Krieger

Julie Johnston  Becky Sauerbrunn

Hope Solo

Hmmm….well, I can think I tell you how it was SUPPOSED to work. Christian Press moved up to her more natural center-forward position whilst the more defensive-minded Morgan Brian was charged with double-marking Schelin and Nilsson. This would, in theory, free up Press to slice inside the 18 with ease and unleash useful efforts on target. The scrappy Leroux could then “lurk and pounce”. Placing so much faith in Press made tactical sense.

She moved forward in the first match entirely by own volition. Appearing uncomfortable on the wing, she showed clever and determined drive in rectifying her positioning during the second half of the Australia Game. With the speed and tackling of the Swedish centerbacks questionable to say the least, it seemed logical to task Brian with stalemating and hoping Press could break through. In principle it made sense.

A full commitment to a vertical attacking strategy proved too much. Brian, Holiday, Lloyd, and Rapinoe kept a straight line throughout virtually the entire match. Review the tape and you’ll see that they almost never deviated from their completely linear formation. It thus appeared that Ellis essentially gave up on the lateral game prior to the opening whistle.

Rapinoe must have been instructed to hold her line and concentrate on neutralizing Jakobssen. In my opinion, the U.S. trainer showed a struggling Swedish side too much respect from the outset. NEVER tell Rapinoe to sit back, not even if she’s squared off against a hare-footed opposite member. By the time Lloyd, Rapinoe, and substitute Wambach chucked the banal blueprint, all they could muster were some weakly directed headers. It’s never wise to muzzle one’s teams greatest strengths.

Ellis won’t be anywhere near as timid in her directives going forward. Consider it fortuitous that this lesson was learned now. Sam’s Angels are a team that primarily generates offensive via the lateral game. Expect Heath (or Morgan if healthy) to start in place of Brian next match. Still wondering why we haven’t seen Kelley O’Hara. Don’t be surprised if either Wambach or Rodriguez are deployed alone up front.

“Professor Pete” turns in his grades.

 GRADES—USA (Match One) 

Meghan Rapinoe	A+
Ali Krieger	A+
Tobin Heath	A
Becky Sauerbrunn	A
Alex Morgan	A
Abby Wambach	A
Julie Johnston	A-
Sydney Leroux	B
Christian Press	B-
Meghan Klingenberg	B-
Hope Solo	B-
Lauren Holiday	C+
Carli Lloyd	C+

 GRADES—USA (Match Two) 

Meghan Klingenberg	A+
Julie Johnston	A+
Becky Sauerbrunn	A+
Carli Lloyd	A
Morgan Brian	A-
Amy Rodriguez	B+
Ali Krieger	B-
Abby Wambach	B-
Hope Solo	B-
Meghan Rapinoe	C+
Alex Morgan	C
Sydney Leroux	C
Christian Press	C

  

Can’t say enough about that back four. Krieger may be down a tick, but Johnston, Sauerbrunn, and Klingenberg were absurdly dogged all night long. The Outlaws of Sam’s Army can thank Klingenberg for salvaging them a point. Johnston is really coming into her own. We’ll be talking a lot about the strength of the U.S. defenders as the grueling schedule of the tournament provides clearer separation of the sides.

You’ll be just fine, Yanks. The fundamentals of the team still look strong. A little adversity hurts no one provided the right lessons are drawn.

 9) England (Previously #13) 

It’s coming home. It’s coming home. It’s coming….football’s coming home! That’s the way we do it, Lionesses. This bookie is proud of you, even if you fucked up the spread at the last possible moment. : ) Great adjustments from Mark Sampson. It’s almost as if he wasted his valuable time reading this blog. Kirby, Aluko, and Duggan up front in a courageous, no-holds-barred 4-3-3. Attaboy!

The above-mentioned trio could have easily scored in the first half with real quality chances. Odd that we had to wait until the 71^st to witness Kirby’s deft touch. Dear lord. A touch that sweet makes one believe in the true possibility of a “Sixth Sense”. Greenwood’s cross and Carney’s finish in the 83^rd was equally as gorgeous.

Let’s lift some text from Round Two…your friendly bookie deserves to be right at least once:

“Lucy Bronze’s sub par performance merely means that either Jodie Taylor, Lianne Sanderson, or FRAN KIRBY deserves a start. Alex Greenwood’s time has come too”.

Let me have it. ; ) I got virtually everything wrong this round. At least I called it right for my “Three Lionesses” ; ) Keep up the good work, girls.

 10) China PR (Previously #19) 

The “Steel Roses” climb up the rankings thanks to one of those mysterious players I couldn’t quite “position place”. Han Peng came on after the restart in the initial match against Canada….just about the time your friendly bookie threw down his notebook, emphatically decided to give up, and stuck long straws in his hair. She started this time, and played every bit as audacious as the most seasoned of lead strikers. Ren Guixan at times played way back in the box and at other times ran past Wang Lisi to guide the attack.

Amateur oddsmakers can easily drive themselves crazy trying to discern patterns out of an eleven they don’t understand. Much like a structural linguist looking at my first page of Esperanto declinations, I’m prepared to fully capitulate and label myself an idiot ; (

I can confidently say that Wang Lisi has established herself as a force to be reckoned with. She caught my eye in the opening match and left me spellbound with that focused late effort.

As clichéd as it sounds, the consolidation and concentration of the Chinese rules! They play as a wonderfully cohesive unit. They spread the Dutch better than a Shanghai slut spreads her legs. Physical and refined at the same time.

Keep up the stylish play, my roses.

 11) Sweden (Previously #12) 

 Rumors of their demise have been greatly exaggerated….by your friendly bookie no less. Sundhage’s “Shopping Trip” seems to have paid dividends. In the event that the reference escapes you, the well-known Swedish trainer dealt with her team’s disappointing debut against the Nigerians in a rather unorthodox fashion: She gave them the day off and sent them to the mall. More training? Hell with that! Go buy yourself a nice dress! Why not? Your friendly bookie doesn’t purport to know how to motivate women properly. ; )

Sjörgan in particular must have picked herself out a pretty purse. ; ) By the looks of it Jakobssen, Seger, and Dahlkvist maxed out their MasterCards. Nillsson surely purchases a snazzy little makeup compact. Not sure what Rubensson bought, but I hope it’s some sexy lingerie.

One player who obviously spent the entire day at the Food Court has to be Lotta Schelin. Aargh! What’s wrong, girl? Where’s the sublime skill that I’ve become accustomed to? Your friendly bookie still can’t trust this team. Asllani’s absence saddened me. I still think we’re witnessing a team on the decline.

 12) New Zealand (Previously #8) 

It’s true that they were always overrated. Your friendly bookie maintains an unhealthy obsession with Ali Riley. He unwisely inflates the level of Amber Hearn and Sarah Gregorius.

He pumps up/pimps out Percival irrespective of how bad she is off the corners. He…..he needs help. Far too much time has been invested in defending a small footballing nation that consistently fails to break out.

We’ve little choice but to continue along this wayward path. Hearn came within a few nanometers of pulling off the sensational victory. Nayler remains one of the best keepers I’ve ever seen. Wilkinson’s use of space is unparalleled. She’s damn good at the cutbacks too.

I won’t give up on my Kiwis! Erceg and Stott have the tools. White and Bowen may secure a starting spot at just the right time. I still believe. Call me a fool. Maybe I am a fool. They have heart. I’ll stand by them.

 13) Costa Rica (Previously #18) 

You guys really like looking at Amelia Valverde, don’t you? Can’t say I blame you. She’s a hot “Professorial MILF”. She looks as if she’s about to publish a 200-page-thesis on “Afro-Cuban Feminist Literature with Indigenous Overtones 1898 (Summer)”. Baby’s got academic bullshit coursing through her veins..and that’s very sexy. : )

Another great game from Wendy Acosta and Adrianna Venegas. Looks like we have ourselves another “Cinderella Chronicle” after all. Loved what I saw from Shirley Cruz as well.   

 14) Cameroon (Previously #2) 

Down they go. Enganamouit, Onegune, and Ngono-Mani literally put their best foot forward, but it didn’t come close to being enough. It was fun while it lasted. This bookie never expected a Miracle Story along the Miracle Mile. “Les Lionnes” couldn’t hope to compete. Quixotic hopes end up costing a bookie too much money. That’s the way it is. Nchout’s late consolation counts for nothing. Sorry.

Surprisingly poor play from my “Indomitables”. Ngo and Leuko managed to under-cede my already low expectations. Enganamouit kicked some serious ass. Allow me to spell it out for you:

E-N-G-A-N-A-M-O-U-I-T.

 15) Canada (Previously #10) 

Your friendly bookie throws down the gauntlet! Enough of this sorry-ass play. Time to deliver ‘ze punishment’! These girls are getting spanked. That’s all there is to it. I’m breaking out the leather and going after your bottoms “Max-Mosely Style”. Unlike Herr Moseley, I won’t enjoy it. ; ( Herdman refuses to implement any tactical shifts.

Lawrence and Scott play as if they don't even want to be on the pitch. Sinclair, Filligno, and Tancredi can’t hold their nerves. Only Schmidt looks like she’s trying. Bad, bad, bad girls…and I don’t mean that in a “good way”!!! 

Bad news pours down like the Edmonton rain. A lousy encore washed away promising debuts from Kadeisha Buchanan and Ashley Lawrence away. Scott and Sesselman appear totally out of sync. Chapman just doesn’t have the height. I tried so very hard to subdue the pessimism, but these girls just don’t have the bite. It’s now REALLY almost time to give up on them. They simply can’t make use of their assets!

Even Kyle and Moscato look anemic. The sense of foreboding grows worse.

 16) Thailand (Previously #20) 

An exciting rebound from our War Elephants. Srimanne got her chance to build on her earlier promise. What a finish that was in the 26^th minute! It doesn’t get much more acrobatic than that! Her second deep into first-half injury time was cooler than ice-cold. She threw her weight behind that header; so much so that she had zero hope of balancing the landing. Wow! That’s what it’s all about! Throw every last kilo of yourself forward. 

Your friendly bookie loves every minute of these so-called “Minnow Matches”. What better opportunity is there to witness players throwing every last morsel of their heart and soul into a forgettable moment of featureless glory? In the years to come, no one will remember these unadorned results. I nevertheless don’t grow tired of watching passionate players scrap and fight for their few minutes of sunshine.

The expansion to 24 teams is a-okay with me : )

 17) Nigeria (Previously #5) 

Maybe Edwin Okun is a moron after all. Much has been written about the depth he has at his disposal. Your friendly bookie devoted an entire afternoon to profiling players like Coutney Dike, Loveth Ayila, Esther Sunday, Iniabasi Umotong, and Perpetua Nkwocha.

Such players were supposed to serve as Okun’s superb back-up options after he controversially refused to employ a single substitute in the opening match against Sweden. Instead he opted to roll out the same starting eleven, tiring out the four young forwards I affectionately dubbed the “O-Ordnance”.

This was just plain dumb. The “Super Falcons” were presented with the best opportunity to escape the “Group of Death” and they blew it. They let their cacophonous fans down. More importantly, they let us down. Oparanozie has now likely logged too many minutes in spite of her early pull. Ordega, Okobi, and Oshoala ran too hard in the loss.

Unless Okun can live up to his reputation for selecting a solid lineup, the world will be deprived of a very talented football team. That leaves me positively sullen : (  Don’t bother trying to console the inconsolable. Nice job breaking my heart, Okun : (

 18) The Netherlands (Previously #4) 

Huge drop. The Leeuwinnen have dropped themselves right out of this competition. Martens and Melis did little other than try to draw unfair fouls. Miedema had her shot, only to squander it with all the flair of Geert Wilder’s attempts to be workable coalition partner. Spitse and van de Donk both took enormous steps backward. Middag in place of Dekker was an embarrassing failure.

We now know how feeble and fragile this team truly is. Miedema may possess priceless talent, but it’s not nearly good enough. Even a heroic performance by a backup goalkeeper called upon at the last possible moment and a stolid effort by the defensive captain can’t overrule a squalid attack!

Not quite done with these girls just yet. My “Flying Dutchwomen” are better than their results. The shameful defensive lapses of Merel van Dongen and Stephanie van der Gragt notwithstanding, they still have a chance to pull together and pull through.   

 19) France (Previously #7) 

Déjà vu strikes. Journey back with me to the landlocked Swedish city of Linköping. July 22^nd 2013. The heavily favored Frogs dropped a shocker to the Danes in the 2013 UEFA Women’s Euro Quarterfinals. My beloved Gauloises Gals laid down their arms like only the French can. Without warning they simply lost their fight and decided to go all Vichy on us. Your friendly bookie lost a hefty chunk of change. Now they’ve gone and done it again.

They lost to a team twenty places below them in the rankings….and your friendly bookie dips dangerously close to the red. Sacré-motherfucking-bleu!

Let’s analyze what went wrong. To begin with, Bussaglia had no business taking Henry’s place in central midfield. That change may have had little to do with Andrade’s opening goal against the run-of-play, but I have the sense that Georges would have been more effective had she not had to have picked up the slack. Henry displayed tremendous ambition. Why was she benched?

Whilst were on the topic of ambition, where in the hell were the Froggies during the first half hour of the second half? They were barely even trying. Never quit on the football pitch Abily and Le Sommer picked up the pace down the final stretch. Substitutes Lavogez and Henry did their part too. One cannot fault ze French for their effort in the final fifteen minutes, but NEVER QUIT ON THE FOOTBALL PITCH!

Phillipe Bergeroo better reward the ladies who came to play in selecting his next lineup. Lay down the law before we get ourselves a “Raymond Domenech Mutiny”. Work those girls hard. 

 20) Spain (Previously #15) 

Late flashes from Boquete and Paredes notwithstanding, “La Roja Feminina” looked every bit as bad as they did in the 2013 Women’s Euros. Your friendly bookie envisioned a very different outcome. Hence, the brave “Upset Special” that blew up in my face. I foresaw Hermoso and Putellas linking up in spectacular fashion. I pictured Boquete easily slipping past Monica and Rafaelle. I visualized a well-choreographed 4-2-3-1 penetrating a shaky 4-2-1-3. 

What did the Spaniards do to me? The same goddamned shit they pulled two years ago! They completely flipped the formation for no apparent reason. Pablos moved up front. Boquete and Losada dropped back. Putellas moved out to the wing. Torrecilla replaced Bermudez and Corredera took Hermoso’s spot so that Quereda could roll out the dreaded 4-1-4-1. Grrr….why? Why the horrendous 4-1-4-1? WHY? It’s never worked. POR QUÉ? POR QUÉ!??

You may think your friendly bookie is master of making everything too complicated, but Ignacio Quereda gives him a run for his money. Christ! This lout has been over-thinking Women’s Football since he assumed his head coaching position back in the late 80s. Presumably I overt-thought everything when I was a toddler too, but this guy is the true master!

Grrr…he’s burned me for the last time.     

 21) South Korea (Previously #17) 

Jeon Ga-Eul is the girl you really should have a crush on, gentlemen. The only thing more lovely than her finish was Kang Yumi’s glittering cross. And that’s a wrap.  Don’t expect to see your Taeguk Ladies after Wednesday. Bid farewell to Kim Jung-Mi, Cho So-Hyun, and (yes, you queer-as-folk-jackasses) Yeon Deouk-Yoo. Keep faith in your Asian Tigers if you must. You might as well keep faith in Spike Lee’s remake of “Oldboy.”

I tried to warn you that they played too choppy. Villalobos’s equalizer in the 89^th exposed their fragile deficiencies and sunk their hopes. The Taeguks needed those three points. Now they can only hope to have some fun at the Canadian Museum of Contemporary Photography in Ottawa.

 22) Cote d’Ivoire (Previously #24) 

Quite the finish from N’Guessan in the 3^rd minute. Always a pleasure to see a football match get off to a flying start. The vigorous “Tricycle Finish” motivates football fans to get on their feet. In this particular instance, everyone got up to celebrate the triumphant recovery of “Les Elephants” from that wholly unfair “beat down” the Krauts delivered on Sunday. Inres Nrehy very nearly doubled up in first half stoppage time. That would have capped off an astounding first-half from her and put the game beyond reach. So close….

Josee Nahi came back from a devastating injury to Diakite early on to supply us with an enthralling last few minutes. Her goal counts as pure, uncorrupted energy. Sweet Jesus it was good. That’s what football fans love!

Thiamale did her best to stem the Thai tide. In the end, it just wasn’t their day. The two Coulibalys couldn’t quite get the hang of the offside trap. Such a shame ; (

Thanks for an entertaining match, girls! So happy that you’re here.

 23) Mexico (Previously #21) 

It’s really over now. Even the generous qualifying requisites of a 24-team tournament won’t save El Tri from elimination. Ibarra’s last minute consolation owes everything to a late mental lapse from Bardsley. Muchos respect for Garciamendez, Corral, and Robles. You three might as well plan a shopping excursion in Ottawa before hoping the plane back home.

A tough group is no excuse. You’ve got to take your chances. Go check out the National Gallery of Canada and the Canadian Museum of Natural History. I’ve heard that the Canadian Ski Museum and Canadian Currency Museum are worth a look as well. Have some fun!

 24) Ecuador (Previously #23) 

So much for the other “upset special”. Your friendly bookie wrote the following garbage whilst handicapping the Swiss match: “Arauz should be able to cobble together a promising strategy”. Bwahahaha. What a rouge! Care to evaluate another idiotic prediction? “La-Tri have enough depth to ride out the absence of their red-carded leader”. Imbecile!

Ecuador finish up against the Japanese Tuesday at the Commonwealth Stadium in Edmonton. Time to recommend some good museums. ; (

The “Alberta Railway Museum” seems kinda cool. A “rail-fiend” like myself could spend all afternoon in such a place. The “Edmonton Space and Sciences Center” sounds like a good bet. Maybe they have an i-Max Planetarium! Oh…there’s a Corn Maze on the West Side. A Horse Track you say? Head on over to Northlands Park for some solid betting action! 

Let’s rock the lines!

Monday—

Deutschland vs. Thailand

  vs. 

One last “Tune-up Fight” before things get serious. Bartusiak and Angerer in particular need to get their game faces on. It would be nice to see Neid use the opportunity to get Lotzen and Peter involved. No sense in tiring out the first-string eleven. Expect at least seven changes and the subs get their chance and Behringer gets one last hurrah.

THE LINE: Die Nationalmannschaft +4 Goals

Cote d’Ivoire vs. Norway

  vs. 

The same exact strategy holds for the Grasshoppers. Haavi and Hansen absolutely must get the start here. Watch them shine.

THE LINE: Norway +4 Goals

Initial Group Projection (5/29/2015)

1) Deutschland 

2) Norway 

3) Cote d’Ivoire 

4) Thailand 

Final Group Projection (6/15/2015)

(Straight Up for Bookie)

1) Deutschland 

2) Norway 

3) Cote d’Ivoire 

4) Thailand 

The Netherlands vs. Canada

  vs. 

Gut check time for the host nation. They were supposed to be clear and coasting by now. Instead, they’ll have to band together and exhaust every last resource to eke past a side they honestly don’t match up very well against. Expect another Grindhouse Affair. They ball will mostly occupy midfield. Either Sinclair or Kaylyn Kyle grabs the late winner.

Following this fixture they should be finished.

THE LINE: Canada +1 Goal

China PR vs. New Zealand

  vs. 

As much as I want my beloved Football Ferns to make history with their first Women’s World Cup Victory, I think all of the key players have logged too many minutes. This “Pacific Derby” will remain close, likely ending in a draw.

THE LINE: Pick em’

Initial Group Projection (5/26/2015)

1) Canada 

2) Netherlands 

3) New Zealand 

4) China PR 

Final Group Projection (6/15/2015)

(2 to 1 Odds for Bookie)

1) Canada 

2) China PR 

3) Netherlands 

4) New Zealand 

Tuesday—

Ecuador vs. Japan

  vs. 

The Nadeshiko have the luxury of getting into gear at their own pace. La Tri will barrel out hoping to salvage some pride, but they’ll eventually wilt in the heat. Miyama, Kawasumi, and Miyama again. The earlier the Japs tally, the easier it will be to spring open the floodgates.

THE LINE: Japan +3 Goals

Switzerland vs. Cameroon

  vs. 

We’re going to keep this one a pick, gentlemen. Both teams have completed their respective routs of the group’s sick man. They’ll play less fluidly against one another, very possibly canceling each other out fully in what looks to be a boring match.

THE LINE: Pick em’

Initial Group Projection (5/31/2015)

1) Japan 

2) Switzerland 

3) Ecuador 

4) Cameroon 

Final Group Projection (6/15/2015)

(2 to 1 Odds for Bookie)

1) Japan 

2) Switzerland 

3) Cameroon 

4) Ecuador 

Nigeria vs. USA

  vs. 

Had matters progressed in the manner I was hoping, these two teams would merely be jockeying for position headed in to the Knockout Phase. That would have produced a much more free-flowing, up-tempo match. As it stands now, the Super Falcons have the misfortune of facing a very pissed off collection of girls that will show no mercy coming out of the gate.

I anticipate frustration will boil over and we’ll see some very clumsy tackling. The U.S. will take the lead on a penalty and then proceed to run up the score.

THE LINE: USA +2 Goals

Australia vs. Sweden

  vs. 

Want to see an “Upset Alert”? This one is about as close as you’re going to get. I’ll stand firm behind my assessment of the Swedes as a team in decline and predict that Aussies will continue on their upward trajectory. This in itself isn’t a particularly bold prediction, though plenty of experts would disagree.

THE LINE: Australia +1 Goal

Initial Group Projection (6/2/2015)

1) USA 

2) Sweden 

3) Australia 

4) Nigeria 

Final Group Projection (6/15/2015)

(3 to 1 Odds for Bookie)

1) USA 

2) Australia 

3) Sweden 

4) Nigeria 

Wednesday—

Mexico vs. France

  vs. 

My Gauloises Gals will bounce back, carrying over the impetus from the last twenty minutes of their match against Columbia. They’re way too talented to drop two unexpected results. Note the high line here in the event anyone disagrees with my faith.

THE LINE: France +2 Goals

England vs. Columbia

  vs. 

Columbian euphoria might make a difference early on, but it’s ultimately no match for an English side gaining in confidence. Note that we’ll set another high line if there are any takers.

THE LINE: England +2 Goals

Initial Group Projection (6/5/2015)

1) France 

2) England 

3) Mexico 

4) Columbia 

Final Group Projection (6/15/2015)

(3 to 1 Odds for Bookie)

1) England 

2) France 

3) Columbia 

4) Mexico 

South Korea vs. Spain

  vs. 

Tough one. It all comes down to whether Boquete can figure out where Quereda wants her. Scroll upwards if you want to read my rant on this coach’s ridiculous tendency to over-think his options. I’ll bet on him tripping over his own feet again…and the draw.

THE LINE: Pick em’

Costa Rica vs. Brazil

  vs. 

The Brazilian reserves get their chance here. With everything to play for, the second-stringers should sew this one up relatively quickly. That also bodes well for the team’s long-term prospects. Some might secure starting spots after this audition.

THE LINE: Brazil +3 Goals

Initial Group Projection (6/4/2015)

1) Brazil 

2) Spain 

3) South Korea 

4) Costa Rica 

Final Group Projection (6/15/2015)

(2 to 1 Odds for Bookie)

1) Brazil 

2) Spain 

3) Costa Rica 

4) South Korea 

GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS