WM 2014--Day Nineteen Recap

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BITTE EIN PIß!!

Day 19: Recap

Record—

Spread: 18-38

Straight up: 27-20-9

Hot Girl Standings

Country	Tally	Games Played
Brazil	145	4
Netherlands	114	4
Argentina	108	4
Columbia	106	4
Costa Rica	103	4
Mexico	92	4 (finished)
France	89	4
USA	87	4 (finished)
Germany	82	4
Chile	74	4 (finished)
Nigeria	71	4 (finished)
Belgium	70	4
Greece	67	4 (finished)
Japan	66	3 (finished)
South Korea	65	3 (finished)
Australia	63	3 (finished)
Bosnia & H	59	3 (finished)
Spain	58	3 (finished)
Switzerland	53	4 (finished)
Ecuador	53	3 (finished)
Ghana	52	3 (finished)
Cote d’Ivoire	49	3 (finished)
Russia	41	3 (finished)
Italy	39	3 (finished)
Honduras	37	3 (finished)
Uruguay	36	4 (finished)
Algeria	36	4 (finished)
Croatia	33	3 (finished)
Cameroon	32	3 (finished)
Portugal	31	3 (finished)
England	29	3 (finished)
Iran	26	3 (finished)

Good morning Stateside Bettors,

….

….

….

It was a BREATHTAKING match. That much you have to admit. Captivating and absorbing from start to finish; one of the most pulsating encounters we’ve seen all Summer. It kept you, me, and numerous Krauts frequenting all the quaint Biergartens I visited last night on the edge of our seats right up until the final whistle. You went out it fine style. Long live football!

All of Howard’s seemingly infinite acrobatic saves, Yedlin and Bradley’s supersonic individual runs, Besler and Beasley’s dramatic last minute tackles, Wondolowski’s heart-stopping miss, and Green’s hair-raising gorgeous finish off the volley. Admit it. You had fun. You felt alive. The final result notwithstanding, Red, White, and Blue blood pounded through your veins.

Of course you would have had more fun if you were hopping from one Biergarten to the next with your boy Vicey. Extra added time enabled me to hit up three of my favorites last night: Wolfbräu, Waldbräu, and Vogelbräu. Oh yes sir. All of these breweries provided the perfect atmosphere for a bit of public viewing, along with some of the most luscious Craft Beer your taste buds have ever known. Nothing quite like sitting underneath the lights and getting slowly blitzed while watching an enlivening football match.

Most of the neutral Krauts threw their support behind the Yanks last night, though a few red-clad expatriate Belgium enthusiasts were to be found. I also encountered a couple of members of “Sam’s Army”, though they were sadly doing their best to go incognito. A Beer Garden supplies you with just the right atmosphere to swap a few stories with a stranger. There was plenty of that last night, but not as much as one might expect. The match kept us all completely enraptured. Only after the final whistle was there truly time to make a few new friends.

For those still washing the acidic taste of defeat out of their mouths, your friendly bookie has a full EIGHT PAGES of USA post-mortem below for you to chew on. I’d care to add that the Yanks last night displayed some of the final levels of fitness I’ve ever seen. Klinsi’s known to be a wizard when it comes to maintaining discipline and fitness among his players. They ran their hearts out and showed no sign of fatigue. You’ve got a capable leader and a great team. Every reason to be proud ; )

It’s not over yet America. Next summer the Women get their turn as favorites to win the 2015 Women’s World Cup. After that, Klinsi’s boys get to compete in the historic “CONCACAF-COMNEBOL Inter-Continental Super Cup”. America will even serve as hosts for the 2016 Summer Event. Following that, assuming you win the cakewalk “CONCACAF Gold Cup”, we’ll see you compete in 2017’s “Confederations Cup”. See? It’s not over for another four years……stop saying that!

As I said, full post-mortem analysis can be found below. For now we’ll “draw it up” for Argentina and Belgium.     

“‘Drawing it Up’ For the Survivors”

 1) Argentina 

Projected Lineup:

 “La Albiceleste”—Match Four (4-3-3) 

Sergio Aguero Gonzalo Higuain

Lionel Messi

Angel Di Maria Fernando Gago

Javier Mascherano

M. Rojo E. Garay  F. Fernandez P. Zabaletta

Sergio Romero

Actual Lineup:

 “La Albiceleste”—Match Four (4-3-3) 

Gonzalo Higuain  Ezequiel Lavezzi

Lionel Messi

Angel Di Maria Fernando Gago

Javier Mascherano

M. Rojo E. Garay  F. Fernandez P. Zabaletta

Sergio Romero

Agüero was unable to go as he continues to struggle with injury. Enter PSG Forward Ezequiel Lavezzi, with Huguain switching over to the left hand side. Otherwise, it was a perfect pick!

One wonder what Argentine trainer Alejandro Sabella will do now that this 4-3-3 clearly isn’t working. Hugain was a disaster on the right and Di Maria did not look good apart from his goal. Gago and Macherano were able to feed Lavezzi adequately, but the sparingly used Lavezzi came nowhere close to finishing. It all begins to make sense now. THAT’S why Sabella deployed the odd-looking 5-3-2 in the opening match against Bosnia & Herzegovina. He noted that his forwards need more support from fullbacks on the wing.

We caught a glimpse of how this might still be accomplished within a 4-3-3 as Rojo and Zabaletta poured forward with aplomb. The only problem now is that Rojo will be suspended and Zabaletta may have logged too many minutes.

Hmmm…it looks as if Sabella will now have to put his “Old hats” (Martin Demichelis—Age 33, Hugo Campagnaro—Age 34) in the middle and swing Fernandez and Garay out wide. Uh-oh. That’s great news for Belgium. They thrive on wearing teams down, all of their goals coming after the 70^th minute.

This bookie will keep that in mind. He has his finger on the button.

All three substitutes get grades. Here they are:

Grades:

 Grades—Argentina (Match Four) 

Marcos Rojo	A
Angel Di Maria	A-
Lionel Messi	A-
Pablo Zabaletta	B+
Rodrigo Palacio	B+
Javier Mascerano	B
Sergio Romero	B
Federico Fernandez	B-
Ezeqiuel Garay	B-
Jose Maria Basanto	C+
Lucas Biglia	C+
Fernando Gago	D+
Ezequiel Lavezzi	D-
Gonzalo Higuain	D-

The loss of Rojo is no trivial problem. Furthermore Higuain and Gago cannot repeat their languid performance. This next match won’t be easy by any stretch of the imagination.

 2) Belgium 

Projected Lineup:

 “De Rode Duivels”—Match Four (4-2-3-1) 

Romelu Lukaku

Eden Hazard               Dries Mertens

Kevin de Bruyne

Maroune Fellaini  Axel Witsel

J. Vertongen  N. Loembaerts D. v. Buyten  T. Alderweireld

Thibault Courtois

Actual Lineup:

 “De Rode Duivels”—Match Four (4-1-2-3) 

Divok Origi

Eden Hazard               Dries Mertens

Kevin de Bruyne Maroune Fellaini

Axel Witsel

J. Vertongen  V. Kompany D. v. Buyten  T. Alderweireld

Thibault Courtois

Vincent Kompany recovered from injury in time to don the captain’s armband. Wilmots stuck with his goal-scorer from the previous match up front and kept Lukaku in reserve. What a brilliant fucking decision that turned out to be. Christ almighty. West Brom used to use Lukaku in the same capacity….to incredibly successful effect.

Yep. That struck fear in my heart. As a U.S. Sympathizer, even though I stood to make a large sum off the U.S. loss, I recall feeling a distinct pang in my chest the moment I saw a fresh-legged Romelu Lukaku coming off the bench as the first period of overtime. He looked pumped up. His eyes burned with the fiery passion of a man with a serious point to prove. Most of the U.S. eleven were leggy and mistake-prone. A Sixth Sense conveyed to me right then and there that this was about to be over.

It took less than a minute for him to slice and dice through the tired defensive ranks and set up van Buyten with that brilliant cutback. De Bruyne hit him with that incisive through ball twelve minutes later and he had his own goal. Holy Shit. Lukaku off the bench as a “Super Sub” constitutes one explosive secret weapon for the Red Devils of Antwerp.

Look out. They might employ the same strategy to sink Argentina.

Lukaku and Kevin Mirallas get grades. Chadli doesn’t.

Grades:

 Grades—Belgium (Match Four) 

Romelu Lukaku	A+
Kevin de Bruyne	A-
Kevin Mirallas	B+
Daniel van Buyten	B+
Jan Vertongen	B+
Thibault Courtois	B
Axel Witsel	B
Vincent Kompany	B
Maroune Fellaini	B-
Toby Alderweireld	B-
Eden Hazard	C+
Dries Mertens	D
Divok Origi	D-

Eden Hazard has to show us something better than good possession skills. He’s got to make something happen! The rag-tag defensive corps did as well as can reasonably be expected, boosted by the return of Kompany. Lukaku off the bench may be one serious lethal weapon, but someone other than Origi should keep the front warm for him. Mirallas perhaps? Maybe even Dembele or Chadli.

Goodbyes Section

USA —“Sam’s Army”

-4 Games Played

-5 Goals Scored

-87 Hot Girls

Must we really re-hash ALL of your friendly bookie’s shrill cries for Julian Green to start? I’m afraid we must America. I advocated the 19-year-old Bayern phenom even more loudly that I campaigned for Lahm at Right Back and Durm at Left Back. He had oh so much more to offer you in this tournament beyond that spectacular goal last night. The Grand Stage generally turns out to be the perfect venue to throw young, untested players into the water. Watch them swim. Look at what John Anthony Brooks and Deandre Yelin produced in this tournament! Had Green only been selected over Davis or Zusi earlier. If only….

From WM 2014—Group G Preview

Eighteen-year-old Bayern München prospect Julian Green has an American father and German mother. Although he was born in Tampa, his family relocated to Germany when he was two years old. He grew up an “aufrechter Deutscher”, earning a combined 11 Caps for the German U16, U17, and U18 teams. Acutely aware that they needed to shore up their midfield, Klinsi and Herzog spent virtually all of last Autumn and Winter convincing him to bring his talents stateside. Löw & Co. attempted to recruit him too, but they couldn’t compete with the attention and promise that the Americans could offer him. He finally chose the U.S. this Spring. The Götze-like prospect is one huge fish reeled in by Team America. He’s an excellent dribbler and trickster who looks to make a major impact this Summer.

 

Editor’s Retroactive Notes:

He turned 19 on the day this Preview Section was published. Some birthday present Klinsi gave him…a World Cup spent on the bench ; (

From WM 2014—Round Three

Bedoya didn’t have the greatest match, but Brad Davis and Mikkel Diskerrud aren’t real options in the midfield. You’ve no choice but to stick with him. In terms of replacing Jozy, Johannsson didn’t do well in relief. So….bring on Julian Green! This is a fantastic story in the making. The nineteen-year-old tyro is ready…or let’s hope so.

Editor’s Retroactive Notes:

Well…we pretty much know so now, don’t we?

From WM 2014—Day Eleven Recap

Confronted with the Altidore injury, Klinsman didn’t take Green as I advocated. Instead, he entrusted Sporting KC converted midfielder Graham Zusi with the left flank.

Editor’s Retroactive Notes:

….and how did that work out for you? You had Portugal on the ropes, but failed to finish them off. Had their been another legitimate offensive threat out there, you might have won the match and topped the Group.

From WM 2014—Day Fifteen Recap

Klinsmann again kept Julian Green on the bench, suggesting he has very little interest in starting him this tournament. If there were a time to introduce him, it would have been against the Germans last night. Instead, he moved Zusi over to right and started 32-year-old Houston Dynamo midfielder Brad Davis in place of the ineffective Alejandro Bedoya. To my eyes, it appeared as if he flipped Beckerman and Jermaine Jones, but that’s only a guess. Omar Gonzalez took the place of Geoff Cameron, possibly because the taller defender was considered a better aerial competitor to Müller.

Davis played a rather uninspiring 59 minutes before he was subbed out for Bedoya. Bedoya was similarly ineffective and was lucky not to be booked after some awfully dirty fouls. Christ do you guys really miss Landon Donovan. There doesn’t appear to be a solution.

 

Editor’s Retroactive Notes:

….except of course for….

From WM 2014—Day Fifteen Recap

There’s simply no solution for Donovan’s absence in midfield….unless. It’s not too late to give Julian Green the start! I know I’m biased. Moreover, it’s all falling on deaf ears. You’ve tried every other option short of Diskerud….and it hasn’t worked!

Editor’s Retroactive Notes:

Nyaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!

From WM 2014—Round of 16

It’s not too late to start Green, Klinsi! Tell him to get on his boots! Well, even if Beckerman, Bedoya, and Davis suck you’ve still got a fighting chance.

Editor’s Retroactive Notes:

Nyaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!! That’s it. Maybe I should give up the Shadow Scholar gig and find a legitimate press job. Some of the guys currently working for ESPN-FC just don’t get it. It was so bleeding obvious all along the he was the solution to your midfield woes. What did you have to lose by starting him last night?

 

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

American sportwriters give his glorious goal cursory coverage. They remark that he’s an “interesting prospect for the future”. Fuck the future. He was ready to be your hero now! One never knows what the future might bring. He could tank Freddy-Edu-style or get injured and never quite be the same player. With no real Continental Tournament to speak of, the U.S. team only gets ONE chance every FOUR years. Seize the day, America! You knew better, Klinsi. I’m so disappointed in you ; ( ; ( ; (

We’ll now “draw it up” for all the disaffected U.S. Fans.

 LINEUP—USA (Match One)—4-3-1-2 

Clint Dempsey  Jozy Altidore

Michael Bradley

Jermaine Jones Alejandro Bedoya

Kyle Beckerman

D. Beasley M. Besler G. Cameron F. Johnson

Tim Howard

 LINEUP—USA (Match Two)—4-2-3-1 

Clint Dempsey

Graham Zusi         Alejandro Bedoya

Michael Bradley

Jermaine Jones    K. Beckerman

D. Beasley   M. Besler  G. Cameron F. Johnson

Tim Howard

  

 LINEUP—USA (Match Three)—4-2-3-1 

Clint Dempsey

Brad Davis         Graham Zusi

Michael Bradley

Kyle Beckerman    Jermaine Jones

D. Beasley   M. Besler  O. Gonzalez F. Johnson

Tim Howard

Projected Lineup:

 “The Yanks”—Match Four (4-2-3-1) 

Clint Dempsey

Graham Zusi         Alejandro Bedoya

Michael Bradley

Mikkel Diskerud Jermaine Jones

D. Beasley M. Besler O. Gonzalez G. Cameron

Tim Howard

Actual Lineup:

 “The Yanks”—Match Four (4-1-2-3) 

Clint Dempsey

Alenjandro Bedoya     Fabian Johnson

Michael Bradley Graham Zusi

Jermaine Jones

D. Beasley M. Besler O. Gonzalez G. Cameron

Tim Howard

In one of the more inelegant solutions to a problem I’ve ever seen, Klinsi moved Borussia Mönchengladbach fullback Fabian Johnson all the way up to striker! Whoa! There’s simply no other explanation for it! Beasley, Besler, Omar Gonzalez, and Geoff Cameron were all on the pitch so he wasn’t being deployed as a defender. Zusi and Bradley were clear instructed to sweep the middle of the pitch. Jermaine Jone’s positioning was right in front of the centerbacks. Johnson served as a striker on the right Unbelievable!

Johnson is another one of the German half-breeds. (for those keeping track that’s FOUR American players who give flawless German-language interviews to our media afterwards). He’s never (to my knowledge) played as a forward before. Then again, neither had German defender Per Mertesacker when Klinsi needed him up front in a pinch. It’s not unheard of to deputize tall and fast defenders as emergency strikers, but remains extremely rare. Klinsi now has the distinction of being the only manager I’ve ever seen to do it twice in two major tournaments. Neat. Inelegant, but still neat.

Johnson lasted only 32 minutes before succumbing to injury. This would have constituted the perfect opportunity to bring on Green. Instead, Klinsi subbed in another mobile defender, DeAndre Yedlin. The 20-year-old product of Seattle’s Youth System played another very good game. He definitely counts as the biggest U.S. surprise of this competition. He’s a strong and skilled Lahm-like speedball who sweeps his way past defenders with an impeccable touch. Surely he’s caught the attention of some of Europe’s big clubs by now. This bookie foresees a September transfer to either the Premiership or the Championship. He’ll soon be strutting his stuff on English pitches.

As well as he played as a right flank forward…well never know if Green could have produced something more helpful. This match needn’t have gone 120 minutes. We found that out the hard way once again in the 89^th. Observing that Zusi just couldn’t get on the same page with Bradley in the center, Klinsi introduced San Jose Earthquakes striker Wondolowski in the 72^nd.

How in the hell did Wondolowski miss that effort? Ach! The ball fell right at his feet. It was easier to finish that to miss! He actually wasn’t even whistled offside. The linesman was flagging for a defensive foul. It could have been all over, America. You could have had your place in the Quarters booked! With the Argentines playing the way they are now, you would have even had a good chance of making the Semis! Oh je. It just wasn’t to be.

We finally got Green in added time of the first overtime period. All three substitutes get grades, and here they are.

 GRADES—USA (Match One) 

Clint Dempsey	A+
John Anthony Brooks	A+
Michael Bradley	A
Kyle Beckerman	A
Jermaine Jones	A-
Demarcus Beasley	B
Geoff Cameron	B-
Fabian Johnson	B-
Tim Howard	B-
Alejandro Bedoya	C+
Matt Besler	C-
Aron Johannsson	D+
Jozy Altidore	D+

 GRADES—USA (Match Two) 

Jermaine Jones	A+
Clint Dempsey	A+
DeAndre Yedlin	A+
Tim Howard	A+
Graham Zusi	A
Michael Bradley	A
Kyle Beckerman	B+
Demarcus Beasley	B
Matt Besler	B-
Geoff Cameron	B-
Fabian Johnson	C+
Alejandro Bedoya	D

 GRADES—USA (Match Three) 

Jermaine Jones	B+
Omar Gonzalez	B+
Tim Howard	B
Graham Zusi	B-
Matt Besler	C+
Demarcus Beasley	C+
Michael Bradley	C
Clint Dempsey	C-
Fabian Johnson	C-
Alejandro Bedoya	D
Brad Davis	D-
Kyle Beckerman	F

Grades:

 Grades—USA (Match Four) 

Tim Howard	A+
Julian Green	A+
DeAndre Yedlin	A
Michael Bradley	A-
Fabian Johnson	B
Demarcus Beasley	B-
Jermaine Jones	B-
Graham Zusi	C+
Matt Besler	C
Omar Gonzalez	C
Clint Dempsey	C-
Alejando Bedoya	D+
Geoff Cameron	D
Chris Wondolowski	F

 

Incredible performance from Tim Howard in what was surely his final World Cup Match. Hate to pile onto Wondolowski, but you’ve got to make that effort! Fairly average performance from the rest of the team, though I remain really impressed by their hustle. Klinsi’s use of Johnson and Yedlin as right striker wasn't a bad idea. It just wasn’t the best one.

So, it’s all over America. You’re dead and gone. You’ll come back to life next summer as the favorites to take the 2015 Women’s World Cup. Before we head there, let’s discuss the future of the men’s team. Jermaine Jones, Clint Dempsey, Tim Howard, Brad Davis, and Demarcus Beasley have all played likely played their last World Cup Fixture. That doesn’t mean they won’t see meaningful international action again. Recall that the Copa America will celebrate it’s centennial in the Summer of 2016 by merging with CONCACAF for salacious “Super-Tournament” to be hosted by the United States! It’s a football lovers dream! Mark your calendars. Book some tickets!

Players that may claw and scratch their way back into the first team include defender Jonathan Spector (only 28-years-old), Maurice Edu (also only 28), Benny Feilhaber (29), Daniel Williams (25), J.F. Torrres (26), Stuart Holden (28), and Terrance Boyd (23). Landon Donovan still has time recover from injury and possibly play for the Copa American team at the age of 34. Who knows, he might make it to Russia at the age of 36. Stranger things have happened, as Miroslav Klose will happily attest.

I could talk your ear off about the Youth System all afternoon long. There exist a few noteworthy prospects in the system. However, it really doesn’t matter as Klinsi and Herzog won’t build the new team from the U.S. U-21 Squad. They’ll continue to implement they strategy of recruiting internationals with U.S. Citizenship from other country’s Youth Programs. Klinsi just signed another blockbuster advisor to his coaching staff prior to the World Cup.

Who was it you ask? Only the LEGENDARY Berni Vogts. That’s right. THE BERNI VOGTS. The man who coached the newly reunified Germany to their last World Championship in 1990 and their last European Championship in 1996. He now works for the USA. He’ll help you build one helluva team with his recruiting talents.

The biggest positive to draw from this whole tournament is that Klinsi and Herzog got you out of the Group of Death and thus get to keep their jobs. Their important work rolls on and so do you…all the way into the semifinals one day. Don’t let the sour taste that ended this aperitif spoil your dinner.  U.S. Soccer will one day be as dominant globally as any of the UEFA Powerhouses. Stay the course….

Goodbyes Section

Switzerland —“Die Schweizer Nati”

-4 Games Played

-7 Goals Scored

-53 Hot Girls

Oh we kid the Swiss. ; ) ; ) We’ll miss them after all. Condolences to Ottmar Hitzfeld on the death of his brother and best wishes for a happy retirement. So many words are written in any given Syndicate. Between the posts and the correspondence your friendly bookie averages over 5,000 per day. It’s all in good fun. We’ll have some more of that down below, but not before I convey to you sincerely that I’ll miss Xerdhan Shaqiri, Admir Mehmedi, and Granit Xhaka.

Shaquiri was by far the best player on the pitch last night. He kept us all entertained through 117 scoreless minutes as the Swiss fought the favorites to a near draw. The Brazilian fans in the stadium, obviously rooting for the Swiss to eliminate their rivals, engaged in one the most colorful “Chant-offs” I’ve ever seen. The Schweiz fans even got in on the action too to make it a beautifully harmonious symphony of fan chants that led your friendly bookie into ecstasy.

Great game, guys. Magnificent match delivered by Swiss keeper Diego Benaglio, Swiss captain Gökhan Inler, and Swiss defensive stalwart Stephan Lichtsteiner. Actually, we’ll be seeing almost everyone in the new 24-team format. Die Schweizer Nazi need only place second behind either England or Slovenia. Given that this young team isn’t likely to loose one player to retirement, they might even top the group.

Gut gemacht, Jungs. And now we’ll have some of that fun.

From WM 2014—Group E Preview

 “A Syndicate Classic”—Switzerland 

From EM 2004: “Revenge of the Syndicate”

 Switzerland

Question: And where are the Irish this go-around?

Answer: They got shoved down a snow-capped mountain by a bunch of Lederhosen-clad, goat tending, cheese-fermenting, dirty-money-hoarding goofballs.

We-go-blah. (Alpenhorn blows) WE-GO-BLAH! Fuck. I hate these alpine assholes, speakers of a German dialect so diabolically maligned that I wish to reach inside their foul smelling mouths, grab their imbecilic tongues, and screech lessons in vowel pronunciation before knocking every last one of their teeth out. The Swiss arrive for just their second European Championship appearance ever. Insofar as I’m concerned they can’t depart soon enough. My personal experiences wasting exorbitant amounts of money traveling in Switzerland certainly play a role in my intractable hatred of this useless microstate.

More broadly, who the hell wants to watch a patchwork group of extra-mechanical Germans, extra-Lazy French, and extra-incompetent-aggravating-dumb-painfully ugly Italians scamper around the pitch? For Chrissake, how do you take the rural hillbillies of three separate ethnicities and call it a country? That’s not fucked up enough for you? How about we throw in some small communities of inbred ogres who have been speaking Vulgar Latin and fucking their cousins since the first century BCE? Yes, we’ll call it Switzerland! A nation of outcasts living on unconquerable terrain where every nation can stash their bloody spoils of war! Have I mentioned that these trolls purport to claim racial superiority as well? Piss on these revoltingly arrogant puffs of cow flatulence!

Editor’s retroactive notes:

And a young writer finds his voice…through a hate-laced diatribe punctuated by a bovine fart joke. This will be immortally etched in stone at Oxford someday.

From EM 2008—Round Two:

15) Switzerland 

Well done, hosts! You have the dubious distinction of being ranked near the very bottom, propped up only by your impotent brethren. Thanks so much for inviting us in. The real Germans will take it from here.

From EM 2008—Round Three:

15) Switzerland 

It’s the “Mississippi of Europe”. A fetid backwater of hicks and inbreds. Man do I ever like the sound of that. To be fair to Mississippi, at least they gave us some decent writers and Blues music.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

I made a huge mistake here and I can’t help kicking and flagellating myself for my error. The Swiss had actually already been eliminated at the time I wrote this. They should have been included in the “Goodbyes” section. What? Oh you thought…..

From EM 2008—Quarterfinals

 

Moving right along, there are SEVEN goodbyes to be made. Before getting to the lines, an irreverent farewell to those whose European Dream has gone the way of South Korean beef imports:

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Ugh. Insofar as I recall, I was trying to allude to the Korean protests of the USDA Mad Cow Ruling. The joke was of course lost on everyone…including “future Vice”

Switzerland

Out with a bang that only partially made up for the opening whimper. "Ach, Gunther. Our bizarre little microstate hast failed again. I must take solace in the "Shrine of Account #68943534"

From WM 2014—Day Four Recap:

Oh those damn Swiss! Hitzfeld’s plan worked out after all. The old wayfarer still has some spunk left, even if he’s turning into a “squintier” old fart than Clint Eastwood. Seriously. The man’s eyes appear to be retreating into the back of his skull like a couple of spooked French cockroaches. He’s turning Japanese!

Anyway, all was going according to plan right up through the first half. Rueda rolled out the 4-4-2 with Caicedo as the target forward and E. Valencia as the rover. Lichtsteiner and von Bergen were defending sloppily. Drmic couldn’t get established. The Valencia goal arrived courtesy of some abhorrently bad marking from HSV centerback Johan Djourou. I’ve no clue why Schär didn’t start. It’s one thing to bench Senderos, but why employ a converted midfielder?

Ottmar’s halftime adjustment was spot on. Mehmedi for Stocker. Perfect. The Freiburg man had the equalizer within two minutes. The second substitution yielded the second goal. Seferovic for Drmic in the 75^th. Ingenious.

“Riffs of the Day”—Day Nineteen

 

Reader: Really liking your Dailies, Vicey. It’s “Yesterday’s News…Today!”

Vicey: (searching for a comeback)

Okay….you write the damn blog, 8-M! Let’s see how you do averaging 5,000 words a day!

Reader: Well…the women play next year, but who cares?

Vicey: I do!! Watch you mouth, 10-M. I can’t have you talkin’ smack about my ho’s like that. Don’t be dissin my bitches ; ) ; )

Reader: I’m never ordering a “Stella Artois” again!

Vicey: This one’s an amalgam from THREE separate Syndicate Members who wrote in to say they were forswearing Belgium Beer. Er…guys…Belgium distributing giant INBEV took over Budweiser back in 2008. Oops. Might as well crack open a “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew” or a “Keystone DryIceLite”. Ah shit…did I just say that out loud. I meant “Pißwasser Pils” YES! That’s what I meant! Forgive me, blessed sponsor!

Reader: Can we kill Chris Wondolowski now?

Vicey: Dude. We’re not in Columbia, here. This ‘Merica! WE DON’T KILL FOOTBALLERS!

Reader: FUCK!!!! God damn waffle-fucking Red Urchins. Dirty Wallon lazy kwals. Worthless incoherent Flemish schijlus. Fucking useless doormat to Europe. Fucking sad excuse for a country!

Vicey: Yep. It’s about that time. Right on schedule. This is the time around every tournament when 13-M lets it all hang out. Here he is back in 2012:

From EM 2012—Quarterfinals

 

Reader: Goddamn fucking mountain monkey inbred lazy pot-smoking Pagan worthless pickled herring-eating socialist self-righteous shit beer-making anti-American polar bear infested permanently winter-stricken slutty alcoholic overrated Swedes!

Vicey: He’s not even finished yet. Here’s the e-mail from one minute later:

Reader: ….and ABBA sucks too. Come on, Sweden. Grow a set and pick a fucking side to be on. What a fucking bunch of neutral bastards. At least the Swiss back the pope.

Vicey: I’m no Simmons, but can’t I plagiarize “Yup, these are my readers” just this once? No, you say. Oh well. I’m just happy we’re all together again.

From EM 2012—Semi-finals:

Reader: Goddamn cheese eating surrender-monkeys!

Vicey: Guess who’s back?

Reader: Why couldn’t you fucking bastards just lose with a hint of dignity?

Vicey: Back again.

Reader: It’s one thing to play a shit game and lose to the team that will go all the finals before being beaten by the Über-Krauts.

Vicey: This cat’s back.

Reader: It’s a whole different beast to award a penalty kick at 90 fucking minutes into the goddamn game. You could have lost by one, but no, you worthless fucking bastards had to screw it all up. Worse yet, you cost me my fucking bet. I could taste victory with your average defeat, but no, you had to fuck it up. Next time Germany invades your lazy excuse for a country, don’t go looking for Big Brother America to bail you out again. Get ready to beg for Munster and forget the memory of Brie. Fucking Frogs

Vicey: Tell a friend.

Reader: According to Fox News, the U.S. won.

Vicey: Bah ha. I’ll bet! Thanks for the update 23-M!

Reader: Yeah..it’s your tournament now, but who got humanity to the moon?

Vicey: Errmmm….I’m gonna go with Werner von Braun. Final answer.

Enjoy your day off, Gentlemen.

Happy Independence Day Yank Bettors!

Quarterfinal Lines in approximately 24 Hours!