Your “Syndicate Hangover” is proudly presented by
“Pißwasser Pils”
BITTE EIN PIß!!
Day 23: Recap
Record—
Spread: 21-41
Straight up: 31-22-9
Hot Girl
Standings
|
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
|
Brazil
|
188
|
6
|
|
Argentina
|
183
|
6
|
|
Netherlands
|
161
|
6
|
|
Columbia
|
136
|
5 (finished)
|
|
Germany
|
125
|
6
|
|
Costa Rica
|
117
|
5 (finished)
|
|
France
|
108
|
5 (finished)
|
|
Mexico
|
92
|
4 (finished)
|
|
USA
|
87
|
4 (finished)
|
|
Belgium
|
86
|
5 (finished)
|
|
Chile
|
74
|
4 (finished)
|
|
Nigeria
|
71
|
4 (finished)
|
|
Greece
|
67
|
4 (finished)
|
|
Japan
|
66
|
3 (finished)
|
|
South Korea
|
65
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Australia
|
63
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Bosnia & H
|
59
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Spain
|
58
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Switzerland
|
53
|
4 (finished)
|
|
Ecuador
|
53
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Ghana
|
52
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Cote d’Ivoire
|
49
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Russia
|
41
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Italy
|
39
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Honduras
|
37
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Uruguay
|
36
|
4 (finished)
|
|
Algeria
|
36
|
4 (finished)
|
|
Croatia
|
33
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Cameroon
|
32
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Portugal
|
31
|
3 (finished)
|
|
England
|
29
|
3 (finished)
|
|
Iran
|
26
|
3 (finished)
|
Bocejo Syndicate Members,
Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Do we really have to, Vicey?
I’m afraid so, gentlemen.
C’mon Vicey, really?
Yes….but…Vicey!
I don’t want to hear it! Your friendly bookie remains a
“Completionist”. You know this from the Day Twelve Recap:
We’re not leaving Shadow behind! We must talk to everyone in
the Ice Village twice (specially drawn characters must be approached three
times). We must solider on through on through and find SOMETHING to discuss in
that horrendously boring stinker that was the Argentina vs. the Netherlands
Semi-Final. We must persevere!
We cannot fast-forward straight to the final that splits the
last two Holy Fathers! I know that’s the one on everyone’s mind. We’re just not
there yet.
It was terrible. There may never have been an eight goal
match in a World Cup Semifinal….but there hadn’t been a 0-0 draw either. Ugh.
From unbridled euphoria to the doldrums of ennui. Your friendly bookie had to
hit the road seriously sleep-deprived early yesterday morning after wasting a
perfectly good chance to add another two hours to his five-day total of six
mediocre hours.
Coming home more drained than a damn mechanically bled
Sturgeon, I experienced the “Grand Mal Seizure” of writer’s block. Everyone
who’s ever had to compose something dreads the most pathetic of all scenes:
staring at a blank page for over five minutes. The ideas simply won’t come.
You’re flicking a cigarette lighter that’s out of butane…..in the middle of a
high gale. Flick, flick, flick. Nothing.
That blinking vertical prompt-line at the left corner of the
Word Document becomes the sole focus of your attention. Suddenly it comes to
symbolize a countdown clock. Your trivial and utterly meaningless existence
ticks away; second-by-second, vertical prompt-line by vertical prompt-line.
Oblivion awaits you. The horror of the nothingness. Non-existence.
To pretend as if your small and insignificant life will mean
anything to anyone after to cease to exist is folly. It’s difficult enough to
get people to acknowledge that you exist or even tangentially appreciate you
while you’re living, breathing, and working your ass off. The only antidote to
the looming empty void is your ability to find something to distract yourself
with before you die. As the blinking vertical prompt-line reminds you, you
presently fail to even do that. Welcome to the long dark night of the soul.
Er….I doubt anyone will be questioning my “Kraut-ness” after
this post ; ) ; )
Anyway, that match was genuinely awful. It managed to be
even more stale and tiring than the 2010 encounter. These two countries should
be forbidden from playing one another again! Your friendly bookie attempted to
review some of the tape in the hopes of sparking an idea or two, but all that
back-and-forth midfield passing hypnotized me into the deepest of sleeps.
I dreamt of a world in which pan-dimensional beings were
recruited piece together an ancient puzzle in the skies above a planet left to
“re-evolve”. A once sophisticated civilization had vanished without a trace,
leaving only stones with incomprehensible markings on them in the heavens. The
stones, when properly arranged, would reveal the major technological and
cultural achievements of the lost world, simultaneously re-instilling the
subconscious memories of civilized feats in the fledging primitive population
below. The pan-dimensional beings labored tirelessly to plant inspiration for
inventions such as fire, shipping, steam power, analog radio wave transmission,
and flight in the collective consciousness of the feeble-minded throngs on the
surface.
…..
…..
…..
…..
What the random-neuron-firing FUCK was that all about? Let’s
talk football.
We HAVE TO DO THIS.
1)
Finalists—Argentina
Che-gratulation, Albiceleste enthusiasts. Your first punch
through to the Final Four since 1990 brings you right back to where your last
dream died. It may not have been the most enthralling of victories, but
Zabaletta, Rojo, Garay, and Demichelis all did a fantastic job of closing
ranks. They precluded van Persie, Sneijder, Robben, and later Jan Huntelaar
from getting any quality chances in space.
Your back four thus stands well poised to tame the German
attack and Romero will be flying high after directly saving those two efforts
in the shootout. The final will be competitive. No German rout here.
Projected
Lineup:
“La
Albiceleste”—Match Six—(4-3-3) |
Gonzalo Higuain Sergio Agüero
|
|
Lionel Messi
|
|
Maxi
Rodriguez
Fernando Gago
|
|
Javier Mascherano
|
|
M. Rojo E. Garay M. Demichelis P. Zabaletta
|
|
Sergio Romero
|
Actual
Lineup:
“La
Albiceleste”—Match Six—(4-3-3) |
Gonzalo
Higuain Lionel Messi
|
|
Javier Mascherano
|
|
Ezequiel
Lavezzi
Enzo Perez
|
|
Lucas Biglia
|
|
M. Rojo E. Garay M. Demichelis P. Zabaletta
|
|
Sergio Romero
|
Moving Messi up to the first line of attack yielded little
of note. The Talisman still only produced halfhearted efforts via set-piece
plays. By contrast moving up Mascherano further did in fact appear to make him
a lively player…or maybe it was that knock on the head. Perhaps it jarred
something loose.
Sabella has little choice to retain his back four, who all
played the full 120 minutes. Doubtful we’ll see Lavezzi, Perez, and Biglia in
the starting eleven, considering that Aguero seems fit and Maxi Rodriguez
looked good in relief.
All three substitutes get grades. Here they are:
Grades:
Grades—Argentina
(Match Six) |
Sergio Romero
|
A+
|
|
Javier Mascherano
|
A
|
|
Ezequiel Garay
|
A
|
|
Martin Demichelis
|
A-
|
|
Ezequiel Lavezzi
|
B
|
|
Pablo Zabaletta
|
B
|
|
Maxi Rodriguez
|
B-
|
|
Enzo Perez
|
C+
|
|
Marcos Rojo
|
C+
|
|
Sergio Aguero
|
C
|
|
Lucas Biglia
|
C
|
|
Lionel Messi
|
C-
|
|
Rodrigo Palacio
|
D
|
|
Gonzalo Higuain
|
D
|
Okay…we might see Lavezzi yet. He didn’t play half bad now
that I think about it. Perez and Biglia definitely not.
2)
Semi-Finalists—The Netherlands
Now we know what van Gaal had up his sleeve the whole time.
He had precisely dick. Even de Jong’s unexpected start, Kuyt’s sudden burst of
flair, and Vlaar’s heroic effort couldn’t stop the Dutch steamroller from
slowly grinding to a halt. ZERO goals in over 240 minutes of consecutive play?
That’s nowhere near good enough. It even looks as if the bold decision to
switch to a cold keeper was actually made by the goalkeeping coach.
Projected
Lineup:
“Clockwork
Oranje”—Match Six—(4-3-1-2) |
Robin van Persie Arjen Robben
|
|
Wesley Sneijder
|
|
Memphis Depay
Jonathan de Guzman
|
|
Dirk Kuyt
|
|
D. Blind S. de Vrij R. Vlaar P. Verhaegh
|
|
Jasper Cillessen
|
Actual
Lineup:
“Clockwork
Oranje”—Match Six—(5-3-2) |
Robin van Persie Arjen
Robben
|
|
Wesley Sneijder
|
|
Georgio Wijnaldum
Nigel de Jong
|
|
Daley
Blind
Dirk Kuyt
|
|
B.
Martins-Indi R. Vlaar S. de
Vrij
|
|
Jasper Cillessen
|
Terrible lineup selection. More sub par play from Daley
Blind and the unfit Bruno Martens-Indi on the left. Another craptastic effort
from Wijnaldum, though his play did improve. Where the hell were Depay and de
Guzman?
Atrocious play from the three strikers (including the subbed
in Jan Huntelaar). Jan Huntelaar’s fellow two subs get assigned grades as well
in this match that simply refused to pick up.
Grades:
Grades—The
Netherlands (Match Six) |
Ron Vlaar
|
A-
|
|
Jasper Cillessen
|
A-
|
|
Nigel de Jong
|
A-
|
|
Dirk Kuyt
|
B+
|
|
Stefan de Vrij
|
B
|
|
Jordy Classie
|
B
|
|
Wesley Sneijder
|
C
|
|
Georgio Wijnaldum
|
C
|
|
Daley Blind
|
C-
|
|
Darly Janmaat
|
D+
|
|
Bruno Martins-Indi
|
D+
|
|
Arjen Robben
|
D
|
|
Klaas-Jan Huntelaar
|
D
|
|
Robin van Persie
|
F
|
The best team won. Period. An “F” for van Persie? Never thought
I’d see the day. Vlaar would have earned an A+ were it not for that missed
penalty. Sneijder might have at least gotten a “B+”. It wasn’t his fault. Blame
the strikers for calling without moving. This especially applies to van Persie,
who seemed to think his wingers should be able to find him through a screen of
up to three Argentine defenders.
Karma smiled on the more deserving side.
“Riffs
of the Day”—Day Twenty-Three
Reader:
How many pages have you written, Vicey?
Vicey: I
am NOT (repeat NOT) going back and counting all of them. I estimate somewhere
between 650 and 750. You won’t see anything approaching that number for at
least another four years.
Reader:
Plans for the future?
Vicey:
Was reading an interesting article the other day that I cannot seem to find
now. Evidently, some Englishman commemorated 2014 by driving all around the
World in a sidecar motorcycle. In homage to the Three Lion’s woes in Penalty
Shootouts, he drove through all 32 countries participating in the World Cup and
challenged locals to improvised shootouts. Fun Stuff!
When
asked what his plans for the future were, he responded something to the effect,
“I’ll do the same thing I did last time. Get a crappy job and start saving up
for the next one.” Sound like someone you guys know?
Someone
please help me find this article. Also….er…does anyone know if CVS is hiring?
Reader:
[check this out]
Vicey:
Bwahahahaha. I generally prefer riffs to links, but this one will only take up
ten seconds of your valuable time. Congratulations to Syndicate Member 142-M on
his inaugural riff and his soon-to-be-sent out Schwag Pack.
Reader:
Holland really shit the bed last night.
Vicey:
Indeed. They pulled a Spud from “Trainspotting.” Imagine waking up in Edinburgh
to bright orange bed sheets.
DAY
TWENTY-FOUR—PREVIEW
Lines for the Third Place Playoff are forthcoming. Note that
this will constitute your FINAL OPPORTUNITY to place a wager on the 19th
Chapter of your Shadow Scholar Syndicate. As has often been our tradition, I’m
invoking “bookie’s privilege” and calling off all bets on the final match. This
includes even the most bizarre props you can conceive of. No odds-bets on what
Shakira will be wearing during the closing ceremonies! Capiche?
Our long journey nears its conclusion. This one has been our
longest yet. It’s spanned three months, 44 posts, over 600 pages, over 1200
wagers, and easily 2000 messages of some sort. Betting ends with the Third
Place Playoff. Before we all return to our mundane localized lives, the World
will elevate us all to a higher plain of existence one last time. This we share
together without any thought of lines, lineups, or money
