Your “Syndicate Hangover” is proudly presented by
“Pißwasser Pils”
BITTE EIN PIß!!
Day 22: Recap
Record—
Spread: 20-41
Straight up: 30-22-9
Hot Girl
Standings
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Brazil
|
188
|
6
|
Argentina
|
155
|
5
|
Columbia
|
136
|
5 (finished)
|
Netherlands
|
130
|
5
|
Germany
|
125
|
6
|
Costa Rica
|
117
|
5 (finished)
|
France
|
108
|
5 (finished)
|
Mexico
|
92
|
4 (finished)
|
USA
|
87
|
4 (finished)
|
Belgium
|
86
|
5 (finished)
|
Chile
|
74
|
4 (finished)
|
Nigeria
|
71
|
4 (finished)
|
Greece
|
67
|
4 (finished)
|
Japan
|
66
|
3 (finished)
|
South Korea
|
65
|
3 (finished)
|
Australia
|
63
|
3 (finished)
|
Bosnia & H
|
59
|
3 (finished)
|
Spain
|
58
|
3 (finished)
|
Switzerland
|
53
|
4 (finished)
|
Ecuador
|
53
|
3 (finished)
|
Ghana
|
52
|
3 (finished)
|
Cote d’Ivoire
|
49
|
3 (finished)
|
Russia
|
41
|
3 (finished)
|
Italy
|
39
|
3 (finished)
|
Honduras
|
37
|
3 (finished)
|
Uruguay
|
36
|
4 (finished)
|
Algeria
|
36
|
4 (finished)
|
Croatia
|
33
|
3 (finished)
|
Cameroon
|
32
|
3 (finished)
|
Portugal
|
31
|
3 (finished)
|
England
|
29
|
3 (finished)
|
Iran
|
26
|
3 (finished)
|
……
……
……
……
And…..BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!!
Holy shit that was a fucking slaughter. A proud footballing
nation of over 200 million inhabitants just took it straight up the rosy red
rectum. One couldn’t help but feel sorry for them. No one deserves a 90-minute
“Deliverance-style” ass raping. ; ( ; ( It was like watching “Number Johnny 5”
get smashed to bits by those street thugs in “Short Circuit 2”. FOUR goals in SIX
minutes! What? Is this the World Cup semi-finals or “Germany vs. The Faroe
Islands”?
A Selecao engaged in all of their superstitious pre-match
spiritual rituals. Players teared up when the Brazilian anthem began to play.
They held up Neymar’s Jersey. They sang the last verse of their national anthem
acapella. David Luiz, Hulk, and Bernard dropped their knees on the pitch with
outstretched arms to pray for victory. Their incantations fell on deaf ears.
Such a pity for them that God doesn’t exist. Germans tend to have a way of
reminding you of that ; )
When it rains it pours. Klose’s 23rd minute goal
puts him ahead of Ronaldo as the World Cup’s all-time leading goal-scorer with
16. The result pushed a 1930 6-0 defeat to Uruguay second place on the list of
“worst international losses”. A Selecao hadn’t failed to either win or draw on
home soil since 1975. The Samba Kings lost everything in every conceivable way.
I half expected a comet to descend for the heavens and knock down the “Christ
the Redeemer” statue in Rio. Hammer! If you don’t quite know the German meaning
of that idiom, here’s some clarification from Euro 2012:
From EM 2012—Group B Preview:
Denmark
The
Germans have done a vastly superior job of coming up with a name for a group
like this. To them, the “Group of Death” is known as “Die Hammer-Gruppe”.
Origins of this designation trace back to the German exclamation “Hammer!” Its
uses are quite diverse. Most commonly, you would loudly bellow “Hammer!” to
express your approval of the music selection/general atmosphere/slut ratio in a
club or convey to your friend how great the party was/what a tiger she was in
the sack/the speed at which the drugs kicked in/how much you enjoyed bungee
jumping naked, etc. It also happens to be the perfect reaction to some
colossally improbable misfortune that has befallen you. For instance, if the
tow truck hauling away your ride happened to snap a line at the end of an
uphill tug and you witnessed your car violently flipping over no fewer that
five times, taking out your mailbox, two children, grandmother, and cat before
pinning down your wife at the bottom of the hill and bursting into flames a
mere 2.3 seconds after you thanked cruel fate for leaving you at least one
person to commiserate with….you might find yourself shrieking “Hammer!”…in
spite of the fact that there’s nothing cool about the situation.
Some Brazilians would prefer to lose their car, mailbox, two
children, grandmother, wife, and cat all in one freak accident than to have to
relive that train-wreck of a match last night. We’re all stunned. As you can
see above, this bookie isn’t the only one in Germany with a wicked case of
“writer’s block” this morning. Germany’s Bild Zeitung leads with the headline
“Ohne Worte” ( a clever play on the expression “Beyond Words”) The first six
pages describe all SEVEN German goals in less than a paragraph of text.
Dammit! That was the only idea I could think of as I awoke
just after noon with a splitting headache and a wicked case of cottonmouth.
What else is there to write about? Lineup analysis? Not after that Demolition
Derby! Even if the Bild beat me to
punch (this time), we’ll cover all seven goals too.
But first…Professor Pete must file his grades. The Art of
grading players necessitates careful and subtle consideration of many nuanced
factors. On must measure how hard and far each player ran, how effective their
touch seemed to be, whether or not he displayed good movement both on and off
the ball, how well he did on 50-50 challenges, how he performed on set pieces,
and how creative he appeared to be in the overall movement of his eleven. Your
friendly bookie pours over no fewer than half a dozen match reports every
morning and reviews the tapes of the previous night before assigning his
carefully calibrated marks.
Let’s grade last night’s 22 starting players and six
substitutes.
Grades:
Grades—Deutschland
(Match Six)
Manuel Neuer
|
A+
|
Benedict Höwedes
|
A+
|
Matt Hummels
|
A+
|
Jerome Boateng
|
A+
|
Phillip Lahm
|
A+
|
Bastain Schweinsteiger
|
A+
|
Sami Khedira
|
A+
|
Toni Kroos
|
A+
|
Thomas Müller
|
A+
|
Miroslav Klose
|
A+
|
Meshut Özil
|
A+
|
Per Mertesacker
|
A+
|
Andreas Schürrle
|
A+
|
Julian Draxler
|
A+
|
Grades—Brazil
(Match Six)
Julio Cesar
|
F
|
Marcelo
|
F
|
Dante
|
F
|
David Luiz
|
F
|
Maicon
|
F
|
Fernandinho
|
F
|
Oscar
|
F
|
Luiz Gustavo
|
F
|
Bernard
|
F
|
Fred
|
F
|
Hulk
|
F
|
Paulinho
|
F
|
Ramires
|
F
|
Willian
|
F
|
We ain’t doing fucking nuance today, gentlemen. That
Brazilian side last night sucked harder than Jena Haze on Crystal Meth. What a
complete fucking travesty. Die Nationalmannschaft never took their foot off the
gas pedal. They even got angry with one another for allowing Oscar that 90th
minute consolation prize. World class! It’s the second most lopsided result in
the entire history of the Syndicate. The Krauts beat the Saudis in 2002 by an
even wider margin.
From WM 2002—Round One
Germany
vs. Saudi Arabia vs. 
To
quote Tellah from Final Fantasy IV, “WE SHALL AVENGE!” You don’t have to go to
war with Iraq! We’ll get payback for all of your pain and suffering right here!
I predict that Oliver Bierhof will score a Hat Trick and these Arabs will drop
to their knees and beg for mercy. No one stops a German machine, as this
late-night Autobahn wayfarer an attest. We’ll run over them at 200 km/hr and
never give it a second thought. We shall cut off their Johnson, stomp on it,
and squish it!
THE
LINE: Germany +3 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT: Germany 8, Saudi Arabia 0. Christ, was this a
raping. I do not purport to take perverse pleasure in watching aggressive porn.
Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Saudis take it straight up the
ass. Bückt dich, bitches! As it turned out, Bierhof didn’t even start. Instead
a young Miroslav Klose established himself as the new German striker for the
new century, grabbing a brace before the 26th minute was out and
completing the Hat Trick long after all eleven Saudis had been castrated. This
was where it all started for the shy Polish striker who didn’t even speak
German very well. Another fresh young face hitherto reserved and ineloquent
emerged: The awesome Ossie Michael Ballack, with a thunder strike in the 40th
minute. A new template of Mannschaft began to take shape. No longer would
Deutschland be represented by big hulking Aryan Westerners with typically
guttural German names like Matthäus, Müller, Breitner, Beckenbauer, and
Klinsmann. In their stead a new eclectic group of immigrant sons would take the
pitch, forever redefining what it means to German. They would soothe a
beleaguered nation of naval-gazing self-haters, restoring a populace’s faith in
their own identity. Yawn. Be forewarned, Iran. This is what we’re going to do
to you once we meet on the pitch
Three more quick notes. First, it was not at all
displeasing to read a sentence about Iraq in the pre-emptive tense. Secondly,
you’ve just witnessed the first of 312,023 Lebowski references to be used in my
Sportsbook writing. Finally, to those of you dumb enough to bet on the Saudis
in the match, I squirm with delight thinking of the morning you had. You know
who you are.
Let’s
relive all SEVEN glorious goals.
11th
Minute—Thomas Müller 
In
a piece of atrocious set piece defending, Thomas Müller strode into the left
side of the box COMPLETELY UNMARKED. David Luiz didn’t even attempt to cover
him. Oscar stood idly by as Müller went forward. What the hell was he thinking?
It was the most egregious case of ball watching I’ve ever seen. Müller
side-footed in a Toni Kroos corner first time and it was 1-0.
You
simply can’t leave the back door open for ze Germans like that. They CUT OFF
YOUR JOHNSON! Then zey “schtompt” on it and “Sqvuish” it!
23rd
Minute—Miroslav Klose 
Kroos
blew past three challengers just outside the center of the area. He slotted
forward for Müller, who tapped back for Klose. Marcelo and Maicon made no
attempts to defend. It looked as if they were unsure who had possession of the
ball. Klose took two steadying touches before firing in rather tamely toward
Cesar, who INEXPLICABLY gave up the rebound.
WHAT?!?
HOW THE HELL COULD HE NOT HOLD ON TO THAT ONE?! He spilled the rebound directly
back to Klose’s boot and Germany’s new Legend didn’t hesitate for a second.
2-0.
24th
Minute—Toni Kroos 
We
had just sat back down. Literally. Where was your friendly bookie last night?
At a rockin’ intimate student joint named “Schmidt’s Katze”. What a blast. We
had literally JUST SAT DOWN.
Phillip
Lahm (once again looking much more at home as the starting Right Fullback) tore
up the right flank and crossed into the box. Müller employed the clever dummy
and the ball fell to the streaking Kroos IN STRIDE. He hammered home a sizzling
first-time effort that Cesar at full stretch could only get a paw to.
25th
Minute—Toni Kroos (for the brace) 
To
hell with sitting down. We didn’t even get a chance to stop clapping. Less than
a minute later, it was Kroos and Sami Khedira with the nifty little
give-and-go. Kroos dispossessed and blew past Fernandinho. Only Dante was back
defending meaning Khedria and Kroos had a 2 against 1 INSIDE the 18.
Kroos
tapped left for Khedira. Dante, realizing he was all alone, took a long twist
and headed for the ball carrier. Fernandinho rushed toward hi to, meaning Kroos
was left all alone. Khedira patiently waited a split second for Cesar to commit
to him to, before cutting back for Kroos. The “Man of the Match” casually
approached the ball and finished ice-cold with a side-footed ground ball into
the wide-open net. 4-0.
That’s
when the cameraman found the crying boy in the stands.
29th
Minute—Sami Khedira 
Stop
crying kid! Stop crying! Keep crying and our Nationalelf will give you
something to really cry about. Now it was Özil and Khedira’s turn to supply the
give-and-go. An awesome slide tackle from Matt Hummels gifted possession to
Khedira forty or so feet out. Khedira skillfully eluded some pretty pathetic
token challenges from Dante and Maicon. The poor bastards weren’t even trying
to stick a boot in at that point.
After
dribbling inside to the danger area, he shuffled over to the unmarked Özil on
the left. Özil took his time approaching the ball and crouched into a shooting
stance. This drew both defenders to him and freed up Khedira once again in the
middle. Özil back to Khedira and another fantastic finish!
FOUR
motherfucking GOALS in SIX MINUTES! Orgasmic. Positively orgasmic. This is what
those women have been talking about all this time!
69th
Minute—Andreas Schürrle 
Will
Schürrle or Klose start in the Final? Excellent question. At this point it
looks like they’ll split the “Number 9 Duties”. That’s my expectation.
A
few minutes after Oscar and Paulinho forced Neuer into action, Die
Nationalmannschaft turned off the “Cruise Control” (which, one could actually
argue, they never truly implemented). It was Khedira on the right flank with a
square cross for Lahm. Our brilliant captain took two deft touches and found
Schürrle in the middle off the turn. Another perfect side-footed first time
finish. 6-0.
79th
Minute—Andreas Schürrle (for the brace) 
Even
the Brazilian fans clapped and cheered for this one. Their thought process must
have gone something like this:
“Well….I’m
all dressed up….and my team sucks. Might as well cheer for the other team. I
didn’t come all this way and get dressed up for nothing. Auf Geht’s
Deutschland!”
This
time Lahm ran up the left flank with Dante in tow. He collected a long lob
forward approximately four feet from the touchline. With a toed-first-time
pass, he flung one in the direction of the streaking Schürrle, who did a
fantastic job of touching it down with a adroit leap. He did even better to
fire in an unbeatable rocket than went in off the underside of the crossbar.
Jesus
fucking H. Christ. 7-0. Massacre. Massacre of genocidal proportions.
We
all waved “aufwiedersehen” to Brazil with hankerchiefs. Not exactly a nice
thing to do, but it had to be done.
“Riffs
of the Day”—Day Twenty Two
Reader:
Vicey. No German refers to our national team as “The Mannschaft”.
Vicey:
Ouch, Syndicate Member 4-M! Cut my dick off why don’t you? It hurts because
it’s true. Only non-German language media use the term “THE Mannschaft”. A true
Kraut refers to them as “DIE Nationalmannschaft” or “DIE Nationalelf”. A petty
distinction you might think, but it’s a dead-giveaway that most of my members
are Americans.
You’re
right, Brüder! Nevertheless, I am actually “non German-language media”. The
Syndicate is written in the Global Language so that more people can partake.
Earlier on I used to write the occasional paragraph in other languages and that
mostly elicited responses akin to
“You
fucking arrogant show-off piece of shit! Speak English!”
I still
concede the point, though. After tossing and turning in my bed for an hour
after you shat on my glorious evening, “THE Mannschaft” is officially retired
from the Syndicate. Verzeih mir bitte!
Reader:
Watching this game is more painful than getting a Brazilian Wax.
Vicey:
Nice one, Member 5-F! Although, considering I don’t have a Vagina, I’ll have to
take your word for it. I suppose it could be as painful as anal bleaching….not
that I’ve ever tried that or anything.
Reader:
This is like watching an animal get slaughtered!
Vicey:
It’s more like watching “Deliverance”, 23-M Squeal like a pig! Squeeeaal like a
pig!
Reader:
ESPN Commentator: “If this boxing, the ref would stop the match to spare Brazil
further punishment”
Vicey:
13-M checks in with the words from the American broadcaster. Last night was
Foreman vs. Frazier on steroids. It was Iron Mike Tyson (in his prime) against
little Miss Muffet. It was Vladimir Klitzschko against Carl “The tooth”
Williams!!
Reader:
Brazil appears to be doing their Poland impersonation.
Vicey:
Good.
Reader:
BLITZKRIEG!!
Vicey:
Better.
Reader:
That’s how we detonate a “Teutonic Bomb”
Vicey:
And…….ZING. Syndicate Member 89-M with his Klose-like ability to find the back
of the net!
DAY
TWENTY-THREE—PREVIEW
Most of the money came in on the Dutch, so I’m closing
betting and taking a chance. Should be a good one, though.
The Netherlands vs. Argentina
vs. 
Time to find out what Louis van Gaal has up his sleeve…other
than a bulbous former bicep.
THE
LINE: Netherlands +1 Goal
(rolling
down HARD from Argentina +1)
(closed)
Gentlemen,
Enter Your Wagers
(Prop
Bets still available)
