Ola Syndicate Members,
Some tournament we have going for us!! For the first time in
history, all of the top-seeded teams advanced through the Round of 16. That’s
unheard of in football! One might mistake this for a basketball tournament. Not
to worry. The Quarterfinals still have surprises in store for us. Two potential
upsets loom.
Let’s delve in. First, we’ve got to rank our departed
countries.
A REMINDER:
Should you crave more extensive analysis of the “eliminated
ones”, just check the Dailies.
Let’s roll.
16th Place- Nigeria
It’s just been a TRULY SHITTY tournament for Africa Fans.
Then again, most every World Cup is a TRULY SHITTY tournament for Africa Fans.
Oh well. We still have the African Cup of Nations. CAN 2015! Coverage begins
January 15th!!
15th Place- USA
You did well. Ooops. I forgot to put that in American
parlance. Here we go.
“You done good!!”
14th Place- Algeria
I’ve fallen in love with the “Desert Fox”….much like
Rommel’s regular whore!
13th Place- Greece
The Greeks love tragedies….or at least they did back in Antiquity. Wop Claudio Ranieri is the new head coach. Best of luck, “To
Piratiko”!
12th Place- Uruguay
Reality bites…..
a-fa-fa-fa-fa
a-fa-fa-fa-fa
I made a “Jay Leno Line”!!
So proud of myself. ; ) ; )
11th Place- Switzerland
Look…it was for the best. Hitzfeld looked like he could keel
over at any moment. The man is tired. Let him rest!
10th Place- Mexico
We’ll all miss Miguel Herrera. What? He’s being kept on?
Hell’s to the fucking yes! I’m really looking forward to the CONCACAF Gold Cup.
(not really)
9th Place- Chile
They fought the good fight. C’mon Michele Bachelet! Work it,
girl!
Friday—
Deutschland
vs. France
vs. 
Why are the Krauts so sour? What’s with all the
navel-gazing, the second-guessing, and the deeply dark fatalism? Why are German
Bookies writing despondent diatribes like this?
From WM 2014—Day 18 Recap
WAS
WAR EIGENTLICH DENN DAS, JUNGS!?!
Verdammt.
You sacred the shit out of us! Now the whole damn country’s pessimistic about
our chances. Dallied a bit this morning to pick up the vibe around the news
kiosks, outdoor cafes, and betting parlors. Not one damn Kraut likes our
chances. It’s a deeply cynical and despondent country of course. German
fatalism is…well it’s a part of life. Nevertheless, we’ve reasonable and
sensible questions that need to be answered.
1) Why
is Löw still deploying four centerbacks?
2) Why
did Lahm start IN THE MIDFIELD AGAIN last night?!?
3) Why
has this German Mannschaft played PROGRESSIVELY WORSE in EVERY SINGLE MATCH?!?
Ach du
Scheiße. I’m not mad at the Jungs. Well…perhaps Mustafi, Götze, and Höwedes for
playing so poorly. Otherwise, they fought hard and created chances against an
Algerian side that was all heart. Tough competition last night. Even after we
wore them down and they could do little other than trip over their own feet
they still pulled back a goal to destroy my spread in the 120th. It
wasn’t their fault that M’Bohli proved so spectacular.
Not
really mad at the players. They deserved their “fun in the sun”. They’ve
probably earned another day off. The bulk of my rage is reserved for “Mr. Rain
God”. Löw remains a good technical trainer and a class act of a person. He
still rolled out what was perhaps the most incredibly stupid fucking lineup
this bookie has ever seen last night. With the whole world screeching for Lahm,
Durm, and fucking fullbacks in general, he selected a meek eleven that showed
no intent to remedy the reality that….
This
German Mannschaft played
PROGRESSIVELY WORSE in EVERY SINGLE MATCH?!?
….
Oh you
better make the right moves this time, Mr. “Wet T-Shirt Contest Winner”. Make
the Semis or you’re toast. Have your resignation letter typed up and ready to
turn into the DFB. We don’t settle for the Quarterfinals in the Fatherland. We’ll
forgive you for not bringing any trophies home so long as you keep making the
Semis. After eight years, I know you want another shot. PROVE IT. NOW!
….
Hence,
he and Mertesacker can stay (assuming Hummels isn’t fit). Otherwise, FUCK THIS
FOUR CENTERBACK APPROACH. It’s dumb football. I reiterate that the
Mannschaft has played PROGRESSIVELY WORSE in EVERY SINGLE MATCH.
Integrate
fullbacks into the attack. How many times to I have to tell you. WHERE THE HELL
IS DURM?!?!
Arrghhh.
This man has been coaching this team for too long. He can’t see the forrest for
the trees. Win on Friday or we’re sending you packing.
Are we unfairly berating our team for what was, after all, a
WIN? Isn’t it wrong to expect that one’s country wins every one convincingly?
Not one World Championship team kissed the trophy without at least one bad
match and lots of luck along the way. It’s tournament football. Luck ALWAYS
factors into the equation. Are we being a mite too harsh?
The answer is no and I’ll tell you why. We Krauts actually
couldn’t give less of a shit about capturing the World Championship. Win or
lose, we’ll be satisfied. The point is to make the semifinals. Even if we lose
in the Semis, we still get a chance to play in the Third Place Match. Even if
we lose that one, it’s still okay. A place in the semis guarantees SEVEN full
instances of “Matchday in the Fatherland”. That’s the most one can hope to get
out of this tournament. We want the MAXIMUM number of matches.
Once again, I’ll elaborate. We Germans aren’t allowed to
wave our flag and cheer our country. It’s forbidden. You know why it’s taboo,
so let’s skip that part. Seven chances to express pride in our country isn’t
too much to ask. Löw must deliver or find himself cashing unemployment checks
come Monday morning. I’m only telling you ONE MORE TIME, Jogi:
1) Lahm at Right Back
2) Durm at Left Back
You fucking heed my advice. Don’t you dare deprive my
Fatherland of two more chances to escape the gloom and doom. Should you fail
us, it’s over for you.
France rolls in as the heavy favorites. The injured Schweine
and Khedira will have great difficulty contesting 50-50s against Matuidi, Pogba
and Cabaye in the midfield. Hummels and Kroos are still recovering from the
flu. Nevertheless, your friendly bookie will be kind. He exploits your national
pride. It’s only fair that you be given the opportunity to exploit his.
Otherwise I’d be that irritating immature piss-ant who takes his ball home
after the other neighborhood kids insult his fragile, puerile ego.
The Mannschaft gets a +1 Spread. Good luck, gentlemen.
Projected
Lineups:
“Die
Mannschaft”—(4-3-3)
Thomas Müller
|
Andreas
Schürrle Meshut Özil
|
Toni Kroos Sami Khedira
|
Bastian Schweinsteiger
|
E. Durm J. Boateng P. Mertesacker P. Lahm
|
Manuel Neuer
|
“Les
Bleus” (4-3-3)
Karim Benzema
|
Antoine
Griezmann
Moussa Sissoko
|
Blaise Matuidi Paul Pogba
|
Yohan Cabaye
|
P. Evra B. Sagna L. Koscielny M.Debuchy
|
Hugo Lloris
|
Prop
Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under— 2 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—Straight Up
Benzema brace—Straight Up
Giroud Start—2 to 1
Matuidi straight red—2 to 1
Lloris howler—2 to 1
Müller brace—2 to 1
Lahm Goal—Straight Up
Draxler start—2 to 1
Podolski start—2 to 1
Klose substitution (85+)—2 to 1
THE
LINE: Mannschaft +1 Goal
Have we been here before?
Ready for a bombshell? NOOOOOO! These countries kept missing
each other…insofar as Syndicate History is concerned. France went down in
flames in 2002. Germany tanked in 2004. The brackets kept them apart in 2006.
France blew it again in 2010. The spread brackets once again precluded a
meeting in 2012. True….the women met for an epic clash back in 2011, but that
doesn’t count toward this feature. It will count next Summer :) ; )
…..
That doesn’t mean that your friendly bookie isn’t prepared
to waste your time (and his as well) with some filler. None of these four
matches have a Syndicate Precedent. That’s damn cool, but the book must be
fattened up to the point that no non-Syndicate Member has the Stamina to read
it! The Syndicate resembles the Oscars in that we’re simply not allowed to
finish before Midnight : )
Let’s review some of the more irreverent attempts by
Syndicate Members to liken your friendly bookie to real and fictional
characters:
Labeling
Vicey—Part I
(Courtesy
of Syndicate Member 12-M)
From WM 2014—Day Five Recap
Reader:
I picture you writing this book on three separate laptops, with papers strewn
everywhere and five televisions running.
Vicey:
Hahahaha. I love it. It’s like I’m Dennis Hopper in “Speed”!
POP
QUIZ, ASSHOLE!!
Columbia vs. Brazil
vs. 
Scolari still needs serious help at striker. Fred and Jo
have been utter disasters. Neymar has had nearly six days to recover from his
marathon session against Chile, but will it be enough? Hulk also spent the
better half of this week sore and out of training.
An upset brews. Very possible. James Rodriguez sits comfortably
on Cloud Nine. Yepes and Zuniga have what it takes to wear down the ailing
Brazilian attack and give the Coffee Growers plenty of chances to steal this
one on the counter.
This bookie is still not prepared to hit the button just
yet. Scolari will think of something. As you’ll see below, I project that he’ll
give Bernard the surprise start at Center Forward. Whether or not this yields
early dividends is immaterial. Inserting a rested Fred or Jo late should be
enough to make the difference.
The Columbians can play the “long-con” all they like. In the
end, they too will be to exhausted to ward off the subs.
Projected
Lineups:
“The
Coffee Growers” (4-2-3-1)
Jackson Martinez
|
James Rodriguez Juan Cuaradado
|
Teofilio Gutierrez
|
Carlos Sanchez Abel
Aguilar
|
P. Armero M. Yepes C. Zapata J.C. Zuniga
|
David Ospina
|
“A
Selecao” (4-3-2-1)
Bernard
|
Neymar
Hulk
|
Oscar
|
Luis Gustavo Paulinho
|
Marcelo D. Luiz T. Silva D. Alves
|
Julio Cesar
|
Prop
Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under— 3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—Straight Up
Neymar brace—Straight Up
Neymar Hat Trick—3 to 1
Fred Start —Straight Up
Fernandinho Start—Straight up
T. Silva goal—2 to 1
James Rodriguez brace—Straight Up
James Rodriguez Hat Trick—4 to 1
Yepes Goal—3 to 1
Guarin start—Straight Up
THE
LINE: Brazil +1 Goal
Have we been here before?
Of course not! Man does your friendly bookie eat up those
“Syndicate Debuatantes”. Whatever history they managed to clob together, it’s
immaterial when it comes to the Syndicate!
…..
That doesn’t mean that your friendly bookie isn’t prepared
to waste your time (and his as well) with some filler. None of these four
matches have a Syndicate Precedent. That’s damn cool, but the book must be
fattened up to the point that no non-Syndicate Member has the Stamina to read
it! The Syndicate resembles the Oscars in that we’re simply not allowed to
finish before Midnight : )
Let’s review some of the more irreverent attempts by
Syndicate Members to liken your friendly bookie to real and fictional
characters:
Labeling
Vicey—Part II
(Courtesy
of Syndicate Member 27-M)
From WM 2014—Day Six Recap:
Reader:
Don’t compare yourself to Dennis Hopper in “Speed” when we all know you’re
Christopher Walken in “The Prophecy”
Vicey:
Beautiful. Beautiful. You gotta come work for me in heaven. Nobody tells you
whens to go to bed. You eat all the ice cream you want. By the way, you know
how you got that dent in your top lip? Way back before you were born, I told
you a secret, then I put my finger there and said….SHHHHH.
SATURDAY—
The
Netherlands vs. Costa Rica
vs. 
Cinderella goes home now. Ruiz, Tejada, and Diaz don’t have
a “pocket full of Kryptonite”. Neither did the Spin Doctors for that matter ; )
; )
De Jong and Depay should have no trouble running roughshod
over Diaz. Umana and Acosta can’t handle Robben’s diagonal through balls. Navas
will supply us all with some heroic keeping, but van Persie should be able to
punch through sooner or later. Sneijder has really shown some spunk in his
“Twilight Tournament”. Don’t be surprised if he grabs a brace.
It’s not quite time for van Gaal to report to Old Trafford
just yet. He still has a World Championship to win. ManU fans can rejoice in
the fact that he’ll roll his success over to the coming season. The Dutch are
the new favorites. Your friendly bookie picks them to go all the way.
Projected
Lineups:
“Clockwork
Oranje”—(4-3-1-2)
Robben van
Persie Arjen Robben
|
Wesley Sneijder
|
J. de Guzman
Nigel de Jong
|
Memphis Depay
|
D. Blind S. de Vrij R. Vlaar D. Janmaat
|
Jasper Cillessen
|
“Los
Ticos”—(5-4-1)
Joel Campbell
|
Christian Bolanos Bryan Ruiz
|
Yeltsin Tejeda Celso Borges
|
Junior Diaz
Cristian Gamboa
|
M.
Umana G.C. Gonzalez J. Acosta
|
Keylor Navas
|
Prop
Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under— 3 Goals
120 Minutes—2 to 1
Penalty Shootout—3 to 1
Robben brace—Straight Up
Van persie brace—Straight Up
Barrantes Start—2 to 1
Miller start—3 to 1
Tejeda brace—3 to 1
THE
LINE: Netherlands +2 Goals
Have we been here before?
Nyet. Why am I speaking in Russian? That’s a damn good
question. Must have something to do with that salad I just ate. Mmmmm….Russian
dressing trumps all. Fuck Ranch and Thousand Island! Fuck French Dressing too!
Had to get that in there somehow.
…..
That doesn’t mean that your friendly bookie isn’t prepared
to waste your time (and his as well) with some filler. None of these four
matches have a Syndicate Precedent. That’s damn cool, but the book must be
fattened up to the point that no non-Syndicate Member has the Stamina to read
it! The Syndicate resembles the Oscars in that we’re simply not allowed to
finish before Midnight : )
Let’s review some of the more irreverent attempts by
Syndicate Members to liken your friendly bookie to real and fictional
characters:
Labeling
Vicey—Part III
(Courtesy
of Syndicate Member 89-M)
From WM 2014—Day Eight Recap
Reader:
How about a Hunter S. Thompson comparison?
Vicey:
Nah. I’m flattered and everything, but I shouldn’t be compared to the good
doctor. Besides that I like the name “Shadow Scholar Syndicate”. I don’t feel
like re-branding it “A Tragic Journey into the Heart of the Kingdom of Football
Foreboding” or something of that nature. I will, however, definitely accept a
comparison to “Uncle Duke” from “Doonesbury” if you’re offering.
Argentina
vs. Belgium
vs. 
I’m officially jettisoning the Argentines. I’ve picked them
to be World Champions in two of three World Cups now. No more getting burned.
They’re unconvincing.
Belgium has the “Pocket full of Kryptonite”. Hazard and
Fellaini can keep the match competitive while waiting for Lukaku or Chadli to
come off the bench.
The Belgian defensive corps has more or less recovered. In
contrast, the Argentines will find themselves hard pressed to recover from the
suspension of Rojo. That’s how your friendly bookie sees it. Bet against him if
you dare.
I’m hitting the fucking button now.
UPSET
ALERT!
UPSET
ALERT!
UPSET
ALERT!
Projected
Lineups:
“La
Albiceleste”—(5-3-2)
Sergio
Agüero Ezequiel Lavezzi
|
Lionel Messi
|
Angel di Maria Javier Mascherano
|
J.M, Basanta
P. Zabalettta
|
E.
Garay F. Fernandez H. Campagnaro
|
Sergio Romero
|
“De
Rode Duivels”---(4-2-3-1)
Kevin
Mirallas
|
Eden
Hazard Dries Mertens
|
Kevin de Bruyne
|
Maroune Fellani Axel Witsel
|
J. Vertonghen V. Kompany D. van Buyten A.V. Borre
|
T. Courtois
|
Prop
Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under— 3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—2 to 1
Messi brace—Straight Up
Higuain brace—4 to 1
Hazard brace—3 to 1
Kompany start —2 to 1
Vertonghen set piece goal—2 to 1
Mertens from outside the 18—2 to 1
THE
LINE: Belgium +1 Goal
Have we been here before?
Nope. It’s all new to us, Syndicate Members! A completely
fresh set of Quarterfinal Lines!!
Labeling
Vicey—Part IV
(Courtesy
of Syndicate Member 5-M)
Reader:
There’s really only one choice for you, Vicey. You’re Jack Kerouac.
Vicey: I
take offense! I may be a drunken Beatnik, but I’m not THAT shitty of a writer!!
; ) ; )
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
