Sunday, July 6, 2014

WM 2014--Day Twenty-One Recap


Your “Syndicate Hangover” is proudly presented by “Pißwasser Pils”


BITTE EIN PIß!!


Day 21: Recap


Record—
Spread: 20-40
Straight up: 30-21-9

Hot Girl Standings

Country
Tally
Games Played
Brazil
176
5
Argentina
155
5
Columbia
136
5 (finished)
Netherlands
130
5
Costa Rica
117
5 (finished)
Germany
110
5
France
108
5 (finished)
Mexico
92
4 (finished)
USA
87
4 (finished)
Belgium
86
5 (finished)
Chile
74
4 (finished)
Nigeria
71
4 (finished)
Greece
67
4 (finished)
Japan
66
3 (finished)
South Korea
65
3 (finished)
Australia
63
3 (finished)
Bosnia & H
59
3 (finished)
Spain
58
3 (finished)
Switzerland
53
4 (finished)
Ecuador
53
3 (finished)
Ghana
52
3 (finished)
Cote d’Ivoire
49
3 (finished)
Russia
41
3 (finished)
Italy
39
3 (finished)
Honduras
37
3 (finished)
Uruguay
36
4 (finished)
Algeria
36
4 (finished)
Croatia
33
3 (finished)
Cameroon
32
3 (finished)
Portugal
31
3 (finished)
England
29
3 (finished)
Iran
26
3 (finished)

El desmadre Syndicate Members!

Oh to be in Buenos Aires right now. ; ( That’s where the REAL party is. La Albiceleste FINALLY did it. They FINALLY broke through to the semi-finals for the first time since 1990. After twelve years of tipping them only to watch them stumble, your friendly bookie FINALLY gave up on them and tipped Belgium as his upset special.
 
I simply couldn’t take it anymore. I tipped them to win the 2002 World Cup. They couldn’t even make it out of the group. I was so terrified of them in 2006 that I wrote the following:

From WM 2006—Quarterfinals

Deutschland vs. Argentina

  vs. 

All bets are….ON. Do not hesitate to boost your bottom line by aggressively hopping on the trampoline that symbolizes my soul. Oh, don’t I wish that I could convince myself that the Graf Spee isn’t taking on water. Hmmm…perhaps a pocket battleship, however geographically relevant, is an insufficiently hefty metaphor to describe the impending disaster. Put her this way: Down goes the Bismarck! Max Schmelling again hits the canvass! The Soviets enter Berlin while Baron von Richthofen simultaneously crashes into the Hindenburg.

We’re prepared to say goodbye to our Jungs. By all accounts this should be the end. We can’t match up with Saviola and Crespo. We can’t outplay them for 120, not with Tevez and Messi on the bench. I can’t see Ballack figuring out enough ways to punt it past Ayala, Sorin, and Heinze as improvisational a player as he might be. I can’t see Schweine dancing around Mascherano more than once. I can’t see Schneider cracking Riquelme. I can’t see Klose and Podolski getting more than three quality chances and I can’t see them finishing.


WM 2006
We stand prepared to give our brave Fatherland the appreciative send off it deserves. Hell, just because one knows one only has five minutes left on a lap dance doesn't mean one can’t enjoy it. Play with pride, Jungs. Run hard and tackle clean. As the darkness closes in, we’ll be all smiles. Cheers will emanate from every corner of the Olympiastadion. We’ll ease you off into that gentle good night with all the revelries you deserve. Die with honor and dignity. All of the money I’m about to part with will prove immaterial if you play fair. 

I was so sure we were dead. We would have been had Klose not scored that flukish goal. Then came 2010. We once again had to overcome Argentina in the Quarterfinals. Your friendly bookie was shaking in his boots.

From WM 2010—Quarterfinals (Part I):

Argentina vs. Germany

 vs. 

Too often we find ourselves in this situation. I’m running out of jokes faster than Argentine-sheltered NAZI war criminals are dying off. The contentious end to the 2006 Quarterfinals match has raised the temperature of this encounter from “heated rivalry” to “powder keg in smoking lounge”. Here is a quick (chronological no less) review of the explosive elements that might send this one sky high.

1) WM--June 2006

WM 2010Germany defeats Argentina during quarterfinals on penalty kicks. Argentine players accuse German keeper Jens Lehman of “cheating” (looking at a sheet with shooting tendencies). Bastian Schweinsteiger purportedly steps on foot of demoralized Shoot-out goat Esteban Cambiasso. Melee ensues. Some twenty plus players engage in fisticuffs on the pitch. Germany assistant coach Oliver Bierhof also implicated.

2) WM—July 2006

Wops ask FIFA to review videotape of the scrum. Ahead of Italy match, Schweinsteiger and two other players suspended for their role in post-game fight. Clever wops strategy works. Glorious fatherland falls to greasy, melodramatic, bunch of douche bags on its own soil. Peter’s Fourth of July ruined. LL  

3) August 2008—Diego Maradona hired as Argentine coach

nuff said

4) August 2008-present

Maradona opens mouth…persistently. He has the maturity level of that useless girl from the opening passage. Maradona is persistently paranoid that the entire world considers him a complete moron. As it so happens, he is correct.

4) Sunday—

Three “mini-brawls” break out during Argentina-Mexico match

5) Wednesday—

Bastian Schweinsteiger says Argentines have “no class”  and are “dirty, disrespectful players”.

6) Thursday to Today

Teams continue to swap barbs in the press. Film is released showing Joachim Löw picking his nose during the England match and apparently eating whatever the hell he extracted. That has nothing to do with the bad blood between these teams. I just had to mention that. Fills me with dread.


Four years ago, the positions of these teams were almost completely reversed. Argentina was a fairly young unproven squad and one just fancied the more experienced Germans in spite of the talent deficit.

Today there is no question that these superstar Argentines are heavy favorites. One foresees a thin and young German side is due for another hiccup. In a certain way, so long as we have a clean and uncontroversial game, we are all winners. In another less Sesame Street way, I want to see my Jungs make Maradona cry!

Prepared for the worst, ein Deutscher bis zum bitteren Ende! 

No clue how the Germans came to dominate that match. It was a stunning development that left your friendly bookie floored.

 
It’s been a long wait for the Argentine fans. This is, after all, a country that has two stars. They beat the Dutch in 1978 to capture their first World Championship as hosts of the competition. That was the first Golden Age. Golden boot winners Mario Kempes, captain Daniel Passarella, the immortal Daniel Bertoni, and the heroic manager Cesar Luis Menotti. The Argentines took the title in spite of domestic political upheaval and the controversial refusal of many domestic league teams to allow their players to join La Seleccsion.

Fast forward to 1986. Mexico hosted the World Cup Argentina literally “punched through” to the semi-finals courtesy of Diego Maradona’s infamous “Hand of God Goal”. They went on to spank Belgium in the semis and beat the Germans 3-2 in a thrilling Final at the Azteca. The Germans would exact revenge four years later with some cheating of their own. In 1990 current U.S. Coach Jürgen Klinsmann took a blatant dive to get Pedro Monzon sent off. Later Rudi Völler would take a second dive to reduce Argentina to nine men. A sloppy final.

I’ve always worried about retribution. Poor Argentina never recovered from the 1990 final. They got knocked out by Romania (!!?!!) in the 1994 Round of 16. The Dutch kicked them out in the 1998 Quarters….and the rest is syndicate history. Argentina makes the semi-final for the first time in 24 years. Your bookie is quite happy.

 
Long-term Syndicate Members may wish to skip the next few paragraphs as your friendly bookie is about to unfurl a story that you’ve all already heard and are all probably sick of hearing by now. This is the story of Helmut Weis and the Graf Spee.

Helmut Weis was sired by Heinrich Weis. Helmut eventually begat Lutz and Lutz in turn begat Peter. Over the course of four generations, there’s been a suspiciously Aryan looking dude inhabiting Ernst Straße 55 in Karlsruhe. The 19-year-old Helmut was drafted as a sailor destined to serve on one of Hitler’s “pocket battleships” christened the “Admiral Graf Spee”. Following successful battles in the Indian Ocean, the Graf Spee was then sent to the South Atlantic to establish disrupt Allied merchant traffic in the waters off the coast of Montevideo.

British ships chased down the renegade boat relentlessly. The British flagship “HMS Exeter” finally caught up with it in late 1939. Accompanied by two Leander Class Cruisers, the Graf Spee engaged in the historic “Battle of River Plate”….and lost. Captain Hans Langsdorff headed to Montevideo, Uruguay. After releasing all of the Allied prisoners, Langsdorff cabled Berlin and received orders to take up arms break through to Buenos Aires.

 
He did so, but not before scuttling the ship. Argentine tugboats carried the men to safety. Your friendly bookie was but a small child dangling on his Opa’s knee when he first heard this story. Captain Langsdorff addressed the men one last time in the lobby of their hotel in Buenos Aires. Langsdorff’s final words were, “you men will live”. He then went up to his room, wrapped himself in an imperial German flag, and committed suicide.  

The crew was interned in Argentina for the duration of the war, but Opa Helmut never had a bad word to say about the country. Thanks to Langsdorff’s sacrifice, he still got his German Army Pension. He had lovers. He had a horse. He even had a nice flat overlooking the Rio de la Plata. Your friendly bookie thus learned to respect Argentina at a very young age. I fear them and respect them. A Germany vs. Argentina final? Dream come true : )

Thank you, Argentina. Thank you for allowing me to exist ; ) ; )


“‘Drawing it Up’ For the Survivors”
21
 1) Argentina 



Projected Lineup:

 “La Albiceleste”—Match Five—(5-3-2) 

   Sergio Agüero  Ezequiel Lavezzi
                Lionel Messi
Angel di Maria       Javier Mascherano
J.M, Basanta               P. Zabalettta
   E. Garay  F. Fernandez  H. Campagnaro
                Sergio Romero

Actual Lineup:

 “La Albiceleste”—Match Five—(4-4-2 )

  Gonzalo Higuain       Lionel Messi
     Angel di Maria    Ezeqiuiel Lavezzi
  Javier Mascherano  Lucas Biglia
    J.M Basanta                    P. Zabaletta
          E. Garay   M. Demichelis
                   Sergio Romero

Sabella dealt with the Rojo suspension by shorting the defensive corps down to four. In a shocking move, he also benched Federico Fernandez in favor of old man Demichelis. This worked out quite well. One must give props to the Albiceleste defense for closing ranks with discipline when it truly mattered. They did an outstanding job clearing their lines as well.

Opinion appears split as to whether the Messi-Higuain partnership worked. This bookie says yes even if most commentators disagree with him. Messi did a fantastic job drawing the defense as usual. Everyone’s been too hard on him. He freed up Higuain for that early goal. Still slick in possession, Messi has already made defenders crash into one another on TWO separate occasions during this tournament.

High marks for most of the midfield, which all did an admirable job dictating the tempo. The Argentines are once again favorites in my book. That being said, the Angel di Maria injury seriously hurts this team’s prospects. Yikes. Sabella finds himself short of options. Maxi Rodriguez for the curtain call?

Perez and Palacio get grades. Gago didn’t really factor in.

Grades:

 Grades—Argentina (Match Five )

Gonzalo Higuain
A+
Ezequiel Garay
A
Martin Demechelis
A
Pablo Zabaletta
A
Lionel Messi
B+
Angel Di Maria
B+
Javier Mascherano
B
Lucas Biglia
C+
Jose Maria Basanta
C
Sergio Romero
C
Enzo Perez
C
Rodrigo Palacio
C-
Ezequiel Lavezzi
D

Plenty of room for improvement, but at least the defense is sorted out. They’ll only get stronger with Rojo back. Best wishes for a speedy recovery to both Aguero and di Maria. They might yet have additional contributions to make to this tournament.

 2) The Netherlands 

Projected Lineup:

 “Clockwork Oranje”—Match Five—(4-3-1-2) 

  Robben van Persie   Arjen Robben
                 Wesley Sneijder
     J. de Guzman           Nigel de Jong
                 Memphis Depay
D. Blind S. de Vrij R. Vlaar D. Janmaat
                      Jasper Cillessen

Actual Lineup:

 “Clockwork Oranje”—Match Five—(5-2-3) 

                  Robben van Persie 
     Arjen Robben           Memphis Depay
   Wesley Sneijder Georgio Wijnaldum 
   Daley Blind                  Dirk Kuyt
      S. de Vrij R. Vlaar B. Martins-Indi
                    Jasper Cillessen

Christ almighty. Leave it van Gaal to whip up something absolutely NO ONE expected. Impossible to see that formation coming. Not only did he give Depay the start, he moved him all the way up to striker alongside van Persie and Robben. He stubbornly stuck with Wijnaldum, his hand perhaps forced by the Nigel de Jong injury.

Dirk Kuyt at Right Fullback!??! Eh what? Whatever. Why not? That’s the same logic that led him to sub in a cold keeper for the shootout; a move that makes him look like a football mastermind.

In one of the strangest set of grades I’ve ever assembled, Jan-Huntelaar doesn’t get one, IN SPITE of the fact that he was subbed in fifteen minutes prior to Krul. I’ve never seen anything like it before. I’ve never had to assign TWO grades for two separate keepers! Van Gaal brought in a cold keeper for the shootout. Is his real name Gordon Bombay? Is this “D-2: The Mighty Ducks”? Why am I suddenly filled with hatred for the peace-loving people of Iceland?


Weird stuff.

Grades:

 Grades—The Netherlands (Match Five) 


Tim Krul
A+
Arjen Robben
A
Wesley Sneijder
A
Jasper Cillessen
A-
Stefan de Vrij
B
Ron Vlaar
B
Jermaine Lens
B-
Bruno Martins-Indi
C
Memphis Depay
C-
Robin van Persie
C-
Dirk Kuyt
D+
Daley Blind
D
Georgio Wijnaldum
F



Goodbyes Section

Belgium —“De Rode Duivels”

-5 Games Played
Shirt badge/Association crest-6 Goals Scored
-86 Hot Girls

Kersplat. There goes Vicey’s “Upset Special”. Thankfully, only a handful of you ended up biting that worm. All of the proscribed ingredients were in place. Lukaku, Mertens, and Chadli off the bench. None of them ended up doing much of anything. Awful game from Talisman Eden Hazard, who wrapped up an overall disappointing tournament with an embarrassing sub off in the 75th.

The 23-year-old Chelsea man will return stronger in two years time. So will his teammate Romelu Lukaku. Divok Origi (19) is only just getting started. Fellaini, Mertens, Witsel, Chadli, De Bruyne, Kompany, Mirallas, Kompany, Vermaelen, Vertongen, and Dembele are all young enough to return provided that they keep their form up. Aston Villa Striker Christian Benteke, not considered for the final roster because of injury, should recover and return. The only face gone for good is newly released centerback Daniel van Buyten, who now may end up retiring from club football too.

The Red Devils had the worst luck of any team this bookie has ever seen with respect to injury. Kompany, Lukaku, Dembele, Vertonghen, Vermaelen, Vanden Borre, and Van Buyten were all hurt at some point in this tournament. Despite this, Hazard’s inconsistent play remains the chief reason they didn’t advance.

Let’s draw it up.

Projected Lineup:

 “De Rode Duivels”—Match Five—(4-2-3-1) 

                      Kevin Mirallas
          Eden Hazard         Dries Mertens
                      Kevin de Bruyne
             Maroaune Fellaini Axel Witsel
J. Vertonghen V. Kompany D. van Buyten A.V. Borre
                       T.  Courtois

Actual Lineup:

 “De Rode Duivels”—Match Five—(4-1-2-3) 

                         Divok Origi
          Eden Hazard         Kevin Mirallas
      Marouane Fellaini  Kevin de Bruyne
                         Axel Witsel
J. Vertonghen V. Kompany D. van Buyten T. Alderweireld
                        T.  Courtois

Wilmots gave Mirallas a go after all, but stuck him on the right in place of Dries Mertens. The other important modification was moving Fellaini up alongside de Bruyne. Only the latter truly benefited from this partnership. I was as surprised as anyone else that he stuck with Origi and Alderweireld. The young coach simply didn’t have it in him to make any bold moves.

All three substitutes get grades. Very poor ones I might add.

Grades:

 Grades—Belgium (Match Five) 

Jan Vertonghen
A
Thibault Courtois
A-
Kevin de Bruyne
B
Axel Witsel
B-
Marouane Fellaini
C
Daniel van Buyten
C-
Dries Mertens
C-
Vincent Kompany
D+
Toby Alderweireld
D+
Eden Hazard
D
Romelu Lukaku
D
Nacer Chadli
D
Divok Origi
F
Kevin Mirallas
F

What a complete stinker from just about everyone! The Devils return to action September 3rd for UEFA Euro 2016 qualifying against Bosnia and Herzegovina. The team will have two years to sharpen their skills in a soft group that also features Israel, Wales, Cyprus, and Andorra.

Costa Rica —“Los Ticos”

-5 Games Played
Shirt badge/Association crest-5 Goals Scored
-117 Hot Girls

Man was I ever pulling for them as they held on against the Dutch for 120 minutes. Some story that would have made. Even if I had predicted that the clock would strike Midnight….who cares if my predictions turn out to be dead wrong?

We all owe a tremendous debt to these Central Americans for the color and excitement they brought to this tournament. They simply gave us the best narrative. They’re saga remains your friendly bookie’s favorite. ; ) ; ) Adios, Amigos!
 
PURA VIDA!
PURA VIDA!
PURA VIDA!

From WM 2014—Day Three Recap:

Hell yes these Latin Americans really know how to do it! How about those turbocharged Columbians and the upstart Costa Ricans? “PURA VIDA”! Los Ticos shock the World. We’ve got our first major bombshell. The entire Globe isn’t merely alight, we’re detonating more fusion blasts than the Sun itself. BOOM! “PURA VIDA” Please Herr Blatter. PLEASE! Let’s come back to Latin America in eight years time. Fuck Qatar. I don’t want to go to Qatar. Let’s stay here where we belong. We’ve been gone for 26 years. Give Beckenbauer some shady financial deals and bring us back home.

PURA VIDA!

(Fuck Qatar)

PURA VIDA!

(Fuck Qatar)

PURA VIDA!  
 
…..
…..
…..
SLOW DOWN? Surely the next encounter would bring us back down. Absent Suarez, the Uruguayans could be depended upon to play ugly and dirty. We’d have plenty of time to glance away from the screen with all those midfield whistles and languid throw-ins. This one had “defensive stalemate” written all over it.

To hell with that. Godin and Cavani generated quality chances early on, with the latter missing out on a golden opportunity. After the penalty, Campbell fired a scorching warning shot that just missed Muslera’s far post. Keylor Navas produced an insanely acrobatic save on Forlan as the half wound down. Your friendly bookie managed to type up all of two sentences as the game just wouldn’t let him go.

He managed perhaps a half a sentence during the throbbing second half. Campbell’s laser meant anything was now possible. Three minutes later Duarte’s diving header sent him into convulsions. So many intriguing story lines as Suarez began to warm up. But where would the time to write come from if the chronicler can’t take his eyes off the screen? Urena’s clinical finish, Pereira’s nasty foul, Cavani slotting for a non-existent Suarez…how can one multitask with all this great football?


From WM 2014—Day Nine Recap

PURA VIDA Syndicate Members,

PURA VIDA!

PURA VIDA!

PURA VIDA!

Apologies, Philly Wop Contingent, but the “Cinderella Freight Train” just flattened you. The “Fantastic Frogs” also further fattened your friendly bookie’s wallet and it’s “Ecuadorian Ecstasy”!. Another Latin American team has the whole world dancing to a Hispanic Rhythm. What a mind-blowing day!! Let’s get to work.

….
 
….

….

Let’s talk some football. How’s that for a segue? I really like these Ticos. Given the way that the groups are structured, it’s entirely possible to see them punching through all the way to the Quarterfinals. Head Coach Jorge Luis Pinto deploys a deceptively simple looking 5-4-1 that, upon closer inspection, uniquely features three strong centerbacks and NO REAL defensive midfielder. They distribute the ball well, maintaining possession to produce some fabulous counters.

Keylor Navas, the “Superstar keeper” will get a new contract soon. I don’t see him staying with Levante or even in La Liga. Some Premiership club would do well to scoop him up. Same applies to captain Bryan Ruiz. He’s been just phenomenal. I’m monitoring this Joel Campbell injury closely, but there’s simply no reason Bolanos and Tejeda can’t step it up if need be.

We’re really going to miss them. Transition time as Bryan Ruiz, Christian Bolanos, Junior Diaz, Michael Barrantes, and Johnny Accosta all will likely be to old to come along should the country qualify for 2018. Hmmm…..I suppose we’re really going to have to cover that 2016 “Copa America Super Tournament” after all.

Let’s “draw it up” for our heart-stealers.

Projected Lineup:

 “Los Ticos”—Match Five—(5-4-1) 

              Joel Campbell
Christian Bolanos     Bryan Ruiz
    Yeltsin Tejeda Celso Borges       
Junior Diaz             Cristian Gamboa
   M. Umana G.C. Gonzalez J. Acosta
               Keylor Navas      


Actual Lineup:

 “Los Ticos”—Match Five—(5-2-3) 

              Joel Campbell
Christian Bolanos     Bryan Ruiz
     Celso Borges Yeltsin Tejeda       
Junior Diaz             Cristian Gamboa
   M. Umana G.C. Gonzalez J. Acosta
               Keylor Navas      

Perfect pick absent the fact that Borges and Tejeda appeared to have flipped. Pinto also appeared to be a bit more adventurous in his assignments to Bolanos and Ruiz. To my eyes, it looked as if they were instructed to serve as strikers. Overall, fine job of coping with the Duarte suspension.

All three substitutes receive grades.

Grades:

 Grades—Costa Rica (Match Five) 

Keylor Navas
A
Christian Bolanos
A
J.M. Cubero
B+
Celso Borges
B
Giancarlo Gonzalez
B-
Bryan Ruiz
C+
Joel Campbell
C
Cristain Gamboa
C
David Myrie
C
Johnny Acosta
C-
Yeltsin Tejeda
D
Marco Urena
D
Michael Umana
D-
Junior Diaz
F

Umana somewhat unfairly finds himself near the bottom after that penalty miss. Somehow we all just knew Diaz would get perpetually smoked. Poor fellow. He’s on every coach’s White Board now. Had he not burned all of his substitutions, Pinto might have subbed in a cold keeper too. Navas would have received an A+ were it not for the shootout.

“Riffs of the Day”—Day Twenty One

 

Reader: It’s irksome hearing about what a great goalie Time Howard is. He’s a “keeper”, not a “goalie”. This isn’t hockey.

Vicey: Take it easy, 128-M. It’s America. They call the “pitch” the
“field”. They call the “flank” the “wing”. They call the “delivery” the “service”.

As if all of that isn’t bad enough, they call “football”….. “soccer”. Anyone can make a mistake. Note that you incorrectly referred to “Tim Howard” as “Time Howard”. This bookie has learned how to forgive. Confuse “Austria” with “Australia” if you must. I forgive. Mix up “Russia” with “The Soviet Union”. It’s okay. Typos need to be forgiven, if only because I make an average of ten of them per post!

Reader: Wesley Sneijder couldn’t do that in practice if he tried twelve times!

Vicey: I know. That’s more of a freak occurrence than that time I ran into a Shuttle Bus!

Reader: What do you think about the girl attached to Hummels [Carli Fischer]?

Vicey: I think she really needs to be fucked in the ass. I also think I’ve seen too many “Hot Girls”. Time for some long baths and good books.

Reader: Won’t you please cover ALL of the tournaments?

Vicey: Working on it. Maybe I can make it happen. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. ; )

Enjoy your day off, Gentlemen!!

Back with Semi-final Lines tomorrow!!