AFC 2015--Geo-Syndicate Redux

Welcome to Geo-Syndicate Redux Brothers!

Welcome the 20^th Chapter of your friendly bookie’s lifelong pursuit. He seeks the ever-elusive goals of mediocrity and obscurity. Everything’s working out fantastic thus far. Couldn’t have planned it better if I had hired one of you “PowerPoint Rangers” to craft me a “strategic vision”. ; )

I’m doing well, brothers. Nothing quite like being completely exhausted, yet surprisingly satisfied approximately 98 percent of one’s waking life. It's in the spirit of such a highly counterintuitive mindset that I’m pleased to humbly receive all those interested in “Geo-Syndicate Redux”.

The latest chapter of the Syndicate will consist of two Continental Championships. The 2015 AFC Asian Cup is scheduled to begin in a scant few hours. The African Cup of Nations begins on January 17^th. Over the ensuing six weeks, valued Syndicate Members will have the opportunity to place bets on 96 odds, 64 Lines, and a plethora of prop/impromptu parlays.

Your Syndicate covers the Asian Continental Championship for the very first time. Syndicate coverage of the African Cup of Nations debuted in 2013 and now returns for a direct sequel. Standard rules concerning some of our smaller books apply. No Dailies. No Hot Girl Standings. Very little of the nonsensical mayhem you’re accustomed to. Your friendly bookie isn’t on holiday this time.

He’s working his ass off. In between shifts he somehow finds time to set some lines for you. Luckily, no one will be inviting him to the Manchester Football Writing Festival anytime soon. That means you can’t expect to always understand what he’s talking about.....and neither can the wits over at the Manchester Football Writing Festival.

The AFC Asian Cup constitutes something of a soft opening. None of the teams crack the Top 40 of the FIFA Rankings. For this reason, I’ll advise many of you to simply get in the spirit of things and sit the first few rounds out. Quality play may appear, but it’s likely at least a week away. Unless you’re one of those handful of Syndicate Diehards who are happy to gamble away your grandmother’s mortgage, the AFC isn’t necessarily your tournament.

Why are we covering it, then? For starters, we all know that “The Future is Asia”. To all those in the Western World who understandably purport to possess some sort of moral superiority, I hope you know that the Asian Overlords are coming. Before long, we’ll all be speaking to Chinese Debt Collectors. More importantly, the Continental Championships carry the pregnant promise of a berth in Russia’s 2017 Confederations Cup. We don’t refuse fecundity here at the Syndicate. These are fertile tournaments.

Group A (Australia, Oman, South Korea, Kuwait)

      

Presenting the “Group of Foregone Conclusions”. Australia and South Korea will advance. Period.

Australia (Winning Odds—Straight Up)

After finishing 30^th in last Summer’s Festivities, Cahill and Co. get a shot at redemption as hosts and potential favorites. It speaks volumes about the tournament’s overall quality that these “Golden Boys” have recently slid to 102^nd in the latest FIFA Rankings. Ugh.

Fans of the Flatlanders will doubtless enjoy watching geriatrics Bresciano and Jedniak give it one final go. Cahill himself arguably scored the finest goal of last Summer’s tournament. It’s impossible to imagine he doesn’t have a few more moments of magic left in him. We’ll witness the “Kaiserslautern KO” at least one more time as the Socceroos head deep into the tournament and scrap for their Confederations Cup Berth.

Football aficionados (including this one) were sorry to hear that we wouldn’t get an opportunity to scout youngsters Tom Rogic and Curtis Good. Both U.K. Club internationals succumbed to injury. Fulham’s Adam Taggart, Liverpool’s Brad Smith, and Düsseldorf’s Ben Halloran also didn’t make Postecoglou’s final cut. Luke Wilshire is gone for good. Ditto Joshua Kennedy, only selected for the Preliminary Squad as a training mimic.

Two notable upstarts, both of whom turned in gutsy World Cup performances, will ultimately determine the Socceroos’ fortunes. The intrepid and speedy forward Mathew Leckie dazzled the hell out of your friendly bookie last summer. He’s in the midst of a monster year for Second Bundesliga Side FC Ingolstadt 04. Few would be surprised if he landed a major club contract during this transfer window. FC Utrecht winger Tommy Oar has struggled with injury and, as a result, failed to parlay his plucky World Cup performance into a rollicking season. That doesn’t mean he isn’t prepared to carry this eleven to glory. Reportedly fit and ready, he and Leckie shoulder the responsibility of getting the Aussies into Russia’s Dress Rehearsal. 

It should prove fun watching this intriguing mixture of lionhearted veterans and gallant tyros improvise a coherent attack strategy on their home turf. One just fancies them. Another reason to back the bushwhackers is their impressive depth at the striker position. Bayer Leverkusen’s Robbie Kruse, WSW’s Tomi Juric, and Wellington’s Nathan Burns are a very competent trio that will serve as excellent backups to Leckie and Cahill.

 Projecting the Aussie Lineup (4-4-2 )

Timmy Cahill   Mathew Leckie

Tommy Oar            Mile Jedinak

Mark Bresciano Matt Mckay

Jason Davidson           Mathew Spiranovic

Alex Wilkonson  Chris Herd

Mathew Ryan

South Korea (Winning Odds—3 to 1)

Oh, Taeguk Warriors. Why did you disappoint us so? Why was this ordinarily well-spoken bookie reduced to fits of incoherent rage? The WM 2014 Dailies are littered with a litany of amateur attempts to somehow coerce trainer Hong Myung-Bo into some sort of semblance of cogent coaching. Damn. Reading through that last sentence, I do believe we have ourselves an abundance of alliteration. Damn it. I just did it again, didn’t I?

Sorry to disappoint you. ; ( ; ( Guess who’s NOT disappointing us? Our “Tigers of Asia”! They’re back in the biggest of all possible ways. The search for a new head coach began, bizarrely enough, with attempts to sign Dutch failure Bert van Marwijk. After that fell through, everyone over at the KFA came to their senses and recruited Kraut mastermind Ulrich Stielike. I know I’ve had harsh words for the former National Team star and Cote d’Ivoire front man in the past, but he appears to have done a fabulous job selecting a squad here.

The ever-underachieving Chu-Young Park is out. The enterprising young Lee Jung-Hyup is in. Ha Dae-Sung, Kim Shin-Wook, and Ji Dong-Won have all been dropped. Kwak Tae-Hwi and Koo Ja-Cheol are still around, but the latter has been stripped of his captaincy.

New captain Ki Sung-Yueng of Swansea City knows to lead by example. Leverkusen’s Song Heung-Min, Hoffenheim’s Kim Jin-Su, and Mainz’s Park Joo-Ho know how to back him up.

Stielike has this team slaying the South American Giants in friendly matches. Look for them to top the group.  A revamped defensive corps can buttress an even better attack.

 Projecting the South Korean Lineup (4-4-2) 

C.Y. Cheol      Lee Keun-Ho

Song Heung-Min   Koo Ja-Cheol

Ki Sung-Yueng    Lee Chung-Yong

Kim Jin-Su                       Cha Du-Ri

Kwak Tae-Hwi Kim Ju-Young

Jung Song-Ryong

 A Syndicate Classic—South Korea 

Time to revisit more halcyon days.

From WMQ 2009—Syndicate with A Vengeance:

 South Korea

Oh yes. Yes sir. Together with the Spaniards and the Japs, there will be no shortage of eye-candy in the stands for the male viewing contingent! The triumvirate of gorgeous hotties is already in! One might even call the Korean girls the Jefferson of the “Mount Rushmore of Babes. The Spaniards are my Roosevelts. I’m just not cool enough. Besides that, I can’t dance. The Japs are my Washington. They will dump you quicker than you can day ”Snow Falling on Peter”. Oh well. Other than reasons that make me appear to be a very “dirty old man”, here are four reasons, why I’m psyched about the Koreans:

1. The drum section of the “Tigers of Asia”. If you haven’t heard this fan club yet, you’re in for a treat!

2. In poor forlorn Kaiserslautern, you simply have to love a team with the nickname “Red Devils”….er with the possible exception of the loathed ManU

3. The Koreans got completely gypped by those microstate cheese yodelers known as the Swiss in the 2006 WM. They were polite to the Ref and everything!! Fucking useless Swiss.

4. ManU’s Ji-Sung Park ready to kick some ass while Park Chu Young is poised to tear up the scene (Chan-Ho Park is still bothered by a hamstring). Lee Chun-Yong of Bolton Wanders is an intriguing prospect while Lee Dong-Gook (tearin’ up the K league) and Lee Young Pyo are back for more! In addition, we’ve got Lee Keun Ho, Lee Chung-Yong, Lee Jung Soo, AND Lee Woon-Jae called up? How about that? Kim Young Kwang, Kim Dong-Jin, Kim Hyung-Il, and Kim Jung-Woo are ready to play!!

(Okay…love my Koreans. Still waiting to meet one that does not have Jong, Hong, Park, Kim, or Lee in their name. Also, is anyone NOT from Seoul? I’m looking forward to meeting you!

Go see Park Chan-wook’s latest epic “Thirst”. I mean, GO RIGHT NOW! If you loved “Oldboy”,  “Sympathy for Lady Vengeance” and “I’m a Cyborg, but that’s Okay”, you’ve not a moment to lose! The Koreans are the ONLY ones left that can still do artful horror.

 Oman (Winning Odds—12 to 1) 

Really not much to say about this doormat. Captain and keeper Ali Al-Habsi is the only player most anyone will recognize. He tends the post for Wigan, now (frustratingly) in the Championship. No lineups will be projected. No grand prognostications will be made. About all I can say about Oman is that I never liked absolutism. ; ( ; ( Give your women some rights….YOU PRIMITIVE BASTARDS!

No lineups will be projected. No grand prognostications will be made.

 Kuwait (Winning Odds 15 to 1) 

Speaking of doormats, we’re going to go ahead and follow the previous template. Absolutely no one recognizeable here. No lineups will be projected. No grand prognostications will be made. About all I say about Kuwait is that they accorded women all of their due rights. They even have quotas in Parliament. Congratulations to this Anomaly of the Middle East. Thanks for not being “Primitive Bastards”. Thank you for being….CIVILIZED BASTARDS!!

No lineups will be projected. No grand prognostications will be made.

Vicey’s Fearless Group Projection (2 to 1 Odds for Bookie)

1) South Korea 

2) Australia 

3) Oman 

4) Kuwait 

Quarterfinal Odds

 1) South Korea (NO BETS)

 2) Australia (NO BETS)

 3) Oman (3 to 1)

 4) Kuwait (6 to 1)

Semifinals Odds

 1) South Korea (NO BETS)

 2) Australia (NO BETS)

 3) Oman (5 to 1)

 4) Kuwait (7 to 1)

Group B (Uzbekistan, Saudi Arabia, China PR, Korea DPR)

      

We might be tempted to dub this the “Group of Life”….if we were into that sort of thing. This happens to be the most batshit crazy group your friendly bookie has ever encountered…..insanely bad…..

Korea DPR (Winning Odds 6 to 1)

We all recall the peculiar scene. Moments before the dramatic kick-off against the Brazilian football giants. Johannesburg. 2010. The World Cup in South Africa. North Korean Captain Hong Yong-Jo, the only player to have the good fortune of landing an international contract, broke out into a spellbinding rendition of North Korea’s national anthem. Jong Tae-Se, a talented striker of Japanese birth, burst into tears.

We all witnessed that. Inside the closed “Hermit Kingdom” people behave strangely. They cling to comfort and security; anything that feels familiar to them. Seth Rogen and James Franco can make all the shitty movies they want. That won’t change the idiosyncratic and downright weird behavior of those living in a restrictive society that emphasizes community and suffering in the Digital Age.

Closed Communist societies are the most bizarre anachronisms anyone will ever encounter. Er……WELCOME CUBA!! It’s about damn well time.

No lineups will be projected. No grand prognostications will be made.

 A Syndicate Classic—Korea DPR 

We must return to 2009….for old time’s sake:

From WMQ 2009: Syndicate with A Vengeance

 Korea DPR

You’re not high; the North Koreans will be playing in the 2010 WM! (Okay, you might  possibly still be high, but that’s not my problem). And you thought that recent conciliatory tone had something to do with Clinton’s visit, Kim Il-Sung getting caught in Macau, the Taepodong dud, or Resolution 1874?!? Hahahahaha. Don’t be so naïve! Ask yourself, when did North Korea stop prattling on about “silly ladies” and start indicating willingness to get back to the table? 

Football is serious business; the ultimate “sunshine policy”. “Football Diplomacy” is more than just a phrase concocted by all-too clever wordsmiths working for the Economist when it comes time to write the umpteenth article on Turkish-Armenian Relations. 

It’s Real! One almost wishes the South Koreans hadn’t dispatched our green-clad Iranians. L The fact is, the chances of an international incident are greatly decreased with the two Koreas playing in this tournament together for the first time. Someone should inform John Bolton of this. Someone should also inform him that he is a douche bag. Hey Johnny, just because you know 19.74% constitutes weapons-grade uranium enrichment doesn’t make you a prophet you worthless mustachioed fucktard! Don’t try to hide behind your extensive knowledge of non-proliferation jargon. You remain nothing more than a combative Cassandra with mediocre writing ability and below-average talent for logical coherence. Someone punch this useless Mark Twain wannabe in any one of his three chins!

How about joining a good cause, then?

http://www.aliveandkicking.org.uk/

 Saudi Arabia (Winning Odds 8 to 1) 

No, no, and no. The Green Falcons are perhaps the most pathetic team in this tournament….and that’s saying quite a bit. Zero respect for a country that doesn’t let women drive. Fuck the Saudis…and fuck any dumbass little girl “Identity Politics” researcher who wishes to suggest otherwise. You can all suck my fat Aryan Cock. Appreciate the capitalization.

No Lineups will be projected. No grand prognostications will be made.

  A Syndicate Classic: Saudi Arabia 

Twelve years before ze Germans spanked their Brazilian hosts 7-1, there was this match:

From WM 2002—The Humble Beginnings of a Syndicate:

Germany vs. Saudi Arabia

 vs. 

To quote Tellah from Final Fantasy VI, “WE SHALL AVENGE!” You don’t have to go to war with Iraq! We’ll get payback for all of your pain and suffering right here! I predict that Oliver Bierhof will score a Hat Trick and these Arabs will drop to their knees and beg for mercy. No one stops a German machine, as this late-night Autobahn wayfarer an attest. We’ll run over them at 200 km/hr and never give it a second thought. We shall cut off their Johnson, stomp on it, and squish it! 

THE LINE: Germany +3 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes: 

RESULT: Germany 8, Saudi Arabia 0. Christ, was this a raping. I do not purport to take perverse pleasure in watching aggressive porn. Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Saudis take it straight up the ass. Bückt dich, bitches! As it turned out, Bierhof didn’t even start. Instead a young Miroslav Klose established himself as the new German striker for the new century, grabbing a brace before the 26^th minute was out and completing the Hat Trick long after all eleven Saudis had been castrated. 

This was where it all started for the shy Polish striker who didn’t even speak German very well. Another fresh young face hitherto reserved and ineloquent emerged: The awesome Ossie Michael Ballack, with a thunder strike in the 40^th minute. A new template of Mannschaft began to take shape. No longer would Deutschland be represented by big hulking Aryan Westerners with typically guttural German names like Matthäus, Müller, Breitner, Beckenbauer, and Klinsmann. In their stead a new eclectic group of immigrant sons would take the pitch, forever redefining what it means to German. They would soothe a beleaguered nation of naval-gazing self-haters, restoring a populace’s faith in their own identity. Yawn. Be forewarned, Iran. This is what we’re going to do to you once we meet on the pitch 

Three more quick notes. First, it was not at all displeasing to read a sentence about Iraq in the pre-emptive tense. Secondly, you’ve just witnessed the first of 312,023 Lebowski references to be used in my Sportsbook writing. Finally, to those of you dumb enough to bet on the Saudis in the match, I squirm with delight thinking of the morning you had. You know who you are.  

 China PR (Winning Odds 9 to 1) 

Didier Drogba went ahead and tore away the curtain to reveal the true façade of the Chinese Domestic League. What a joke. Ordinarily, “Team Dragon” would stand less of a chance in an international tournament than Bo Xilai’s wife after a double dose of truth serum. Recall that this is the Asian Cup, however. As inexplicable as it sounds, the Chinese may very well top this group. Yes, you read that correctly. Yang Zu and Gao Lin should be able to kick in a few against defenses softer than a Maxi-pad woven from tree bark.

Accept the Noble Truth. China will make it to the Knockout Stages.

No lineups will be projected. No grand prognostications will be made.

 Uzbekistan (Winning Odds 22 to 1) 

Is this a joke? Never you mind answering that rhetorical question, It’s Uzbekistan. The entire fucking country is a joke. Second City had their fun mocking this landlocked backwater long before most of us were born.

< https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hCCCRAcTAA>

To pay homage to Herman Cain’s, “Uz-beki-beki-stan-stan” a’int goin’ nowhere. Awww…Shucky ducky

Really not worth my time to waste any more precious calories on the goddamned “White Wolves”.

No Lineups will be projected. No grand prognostications will be made.

Vicey’s Fearless Group Projection (3 to 1 Odds for Bookie)

1) China PR 

2) Korea DPR 

3) Saudi Arabia 

4) Uzbekistan 

Quarterfinal Odds

 1) China PR (Straight Up)

 2) Korea DPR (Straight Up)

 3) Saudi Arabia (Straight Up)

 4) Uzbekistan (9 to 1)

Semifinals Odds

 1) China PR (Straight Up)

 2) Korea DPR (Straight Up)

 3) Saudi Arabia (7 to 1)

 4) Uzbekistan (11 to 1)

Group C (Iran, U.A.E , Qatar, Bahrain)

      

Speaking of insane groups, the “Princes of Persia” will wrap this one up quicker than a nineteen-year-old male working with a bunch of desperate broads in their 40s. Done and done.

Iran (Winning Odds—Straight Up)

The Princes of Persia return for their Thirteenth consecutive AFC Championship. The Honorable Lions accomplished a Championship Three-Peat in ’68, ’72, and ’76. Though they’ve not reclaimed the crown since, they’re attained the knockout stages in all but one of the subsequent tournaments and made the Semis on five separate occasions.

They’ll contend once again here under resourceful tutelage of Portuguese coach Carlos Quieroz. Quieroz has selected an interesting young attacking corps comprised of Charlton’s Reza Goochanejhad, Osasuna’s Karim Ansarifard, and Rubin Kazan’s Sardar Azmoun. Gooch is the only holdover from an anemic World Cup attack that only managed one measly goal off his boot.

Nekouman reprises his role as captain in midfield, alongside fellow veterans Andranik Teymourian, Masoud Shojaei, and Ashkan Dejagah. New faces include Omid Ebrahimi, Vahid Amiri, and Souroush Rafiei, all recent call-ups from the domestic league to replace ineffective stiffs like Reza Haghighi, as well as the injured Bakhtiar Rahmani.

Four domestic league greenhorns have also been called up to revamp a defensive unit still reeling from the loss of talismanic centreback Pejman Montazieri. Khorso Heydari also moves back into the defensive ranks. Why so high on a group of untested and neophytes? Have I mentioned that the group is a fucking joke? Moreover, one simply has to have faith in Quieroz, a former Navigator National team manager whose impressive résumé includes stints as an assistant under Sir Alex Ferguson and “The Special One” himself.

Once he’s done crushing this creampuff group, he should carry this incarnation of the Persian Pride all the way to the Semis. Strap in.

 Projecting the Iranian Lineup (4-2-3-1) 

Reza Ghoochannejad

A. Teymorian   Ashkan Dejagah

Jevak Nekounam

Ehsan Hajsafi      Masoud Shojaei

M. Pooladi K. Heydari A.M. Sadeghi J. Hosseini

Alireza Haghighi

 A Syndicate Classic—Iran 

The Perplexing Persians once led to one of the most memorable rants ever. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, they spawned some kick-ass retroactive notes!

From WM 2006—“The Curse of the Syndicate”

All of Persia will be pumping their fists to cheer on their lone representative…except for the women, who are not allowed to go to the games…and president Ahmadinejad, who cannot set foot in Germany without being arrested. Holocaust denial remains an imprisonable crime in the Fatherland. Guess who’s not going to be there? If you answered rabid U.S. Soccer Fan David Duke, you’re only half right. Looks like Mahmoud and Khameni will have to settle for watching the spectacular failure of their team from the comforts of Tehran. Have fun, boys. Let me know when those Jew bombs start falling!

Of course one should take care to separate the team from the regime. The Shia Strikers have a Croatian coach and five German Bundesliga players. One of them, midfielder Ferydoon Zandi, even plays for my hometown club FCK. I wish not to spew venomous vitriol at a multi-lingual group with Fatherland roots. Nevertheless, those with German eligibility are representing the WRONG side. My feelings are adequately conveyed in a zinger I exchanged with Ferydoon himself.

Peter: Knock, Knock

Ferydoon: Who’s there?

Peter: Ayatollah

Ferydoon: Ayatollah who?

Peter: Aya-toll-ah to get the FUCK OUT OF MY TOURNAMENT!

Editor’s retroactive notes:

One should continue to draw an important distinction between team and regime. Although the Iranians failed to qualify for the 2010 World Cup, the players in the qualifying rounds strapped on green wristbands in support of the “Where is my vote?” uprising. This salient factoid, along with the verifiable truth, documented above, that Israel was threatened to bomb Iran back in 2006, forces me to now prattle out a rant.

WARNING: Totally unrelated wonkish interlude.

Ahem. NO ONE IS GOING TO BOMB IRAN. Everyone got that? What is wrong with our discourse on this subject? Has everyone lost their mind? Back in 2006 Olmert, Livni, and Petertz expressed worry over the “point of no return”(enrichment capacity). Six years later the central talking point of Netanyahu and Barak is the “zone of immunity.”(the construction of an impenetrable underground bunker in Qom) Meanwhile, all credible N.I.E.’s have been broadly consistent: Iran keeps its options open with weapons grade enrichment while maintaining no discernable weapons program. Unlike the Sorties against Syria and Iraq, tactical constraints and incomplete intelligence preclude the Israelis from conducting surgical strikes within the country. A pre-emptive military option entails enormous risk, particularly considering the vast terrain and the likelihood of as of yet undiscovered sites mean the chances of successfully hitting the right facilities are dubious at best. Lethal espionage, industrial sabotage, vice-grip sanctions that have rendered the Rial essentially worthless, and the slow choking off of the country’s oil exports have all worked reasonable well. Have we mentioned that there exists enormous discord between the rival factions within the Guardian Council? Internal politics is a mess and the greens will rise again as the country’s economy descends further. The West is supposed to risk everything with a belligerent show of force that will give the weakened Regime an excuse to rally its disaffected population? NO ONE IS GOING TO BOMB IRAN. Let it go, people. When will we learn that we’ve been talking about an option that has technically been of the table for over six years? Let it go. 

 U.A.E (Winning Odds 11 to 1) 

Welcome to the Dubai Airport, Herr Vice. It’s 8 o’clock in the morning and you just landed. The Muslim Airline that flew you in served you four whisky sours…GRATIS!! Now it’s time to take a cab ride. Go see the Seven Star Hotel, the Burj Dubai, and all the rest of the opulence that the United Arab Emirates has to offer. The Sheiks spared no expense. Literally. Welcome to the Oasis, Herr Vice. Built on sand, thanks to the blood, sweat, and tears of Indian, Af-Pak, and Iranian immigrant workers looking to send home a small pittance of diasporic remittances.

Yeah…..

I may have a soft spot for the U.A.E., but I’m not wasting time on this team.

No lineups will be projected. No grand prognostications will be made.

 Bahrain (Winning Odds 12 to 1) 

Are we beginning to see why the AFC Continental Championship doesn't matter that much? In all actuality, Bahrain has a proud football tradition. It’s no wonder the Iranians insist on getting their former province back. They’ve qualified for four straight AFC Championships, even finishing fourth back in 2004. Nevertheless, if anyone wishes to express national pride in Bahrain, time to haul your ass back to Pearl Square. Seriously. Don’t give up, brothers.

No lineups will be projected. No grand prognostications will be made.

 Qatar (Winning Odds 17 to 1) 

Football fans everywhere hope that “The Maroon” take themselves a huge nosedive. The allocation of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar will go down in history as one of the greatest travesties ever to vitiate Organized Athletics. I hope all of you rot in hell. Way to ruin the World’s beautiful game and the only solace for the vast majority of the planet suffering through this sad veil of tears known as life.

….

….

To put that more concisely: GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!!

No lineups will be projected. No grand prognostications will be made.

….

….

GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!

  A Syndicate Classic—Qatar 

To early for a 2014 Riff? Too Bad. Here she is:

From WM 2014—Day Three Recap

Hell yes these Latin Americans really know how to do it! How about those turbocharged Columbians and the upstart Costa Ricans? “PURA VIDA”! Los Ticos shock the World. We’ve got our first major bombshell. The entire Globe isn’t merely alight, we’re detonating more fusion blasts than the Sun itself. BOOM! “PURA VIDA” Please Herr Blatter. PLEASE! Let’s come back to Latin America in eight years time. Fuck Qatar. I don’t want to go to Qatar. Let’s stay here where we belong. We’ve been gone for 26 years. Give Beckenbauer some shady financial deals and bring us back home.

PURA VIDA!

(Fuck Qatar)

PURA VIDA!

(Fuck Qatar)

PURA VIDA!  

The Latin American style of play influences all the participants. Even the Wops and the Limeys played an uncharacteristically up-tempo instant masterpiece last night. Broadly speaking, the Latin American game distinguishes itself from the European one with a preeminent focus on speed and improvisation. Europeans play beautiful football too, but our game hinges more on technical exploitation of set pieces and the lateral use of the pitch. Northern teams generally work the flanks more and focus on crosses. The Southern Style is to pour forward, rely on incisive through-balls, and flick/trick your way past the defensive ranks.

Yes, yes. There’s plenty of contrarian evidence to consign this rather lazy assessment right into the dustbin. Strip away the baroque language and your friendly bookies point essentially reads: “Duh…white people be dancin' like this and black people be dancing like this.” I might as well be aiming to get booed off the stage during “Honky Night” on “Showtime at the Apollo”. I won’t be publishing my theory in any peer-reviewed journals. I’m simply excited about the ebullient start that we’re off too.

Read the next section on the “EU Wing Theory” or skip it. Either way you’ve no choice but to concede that the globe is pulsating.

Vicey’s Fearless Group Projection (Straight Up for Bookie)

1) Iran 

2) U.A.E 

3) Bahrain 

4) Qatar 

Quarterfinal Odds

 1) Iran (NO BETS)

 2) U.A.E. (Straight Up)

 3) Bahrain (Straight Up)

 4) Qatar (3 to 1)

Semifinals Odds

 1) Iran (Straight Up)

 2) U.A.E (Straight Up)

 3) Bahrain (2 to 1)

 4) Qatar (4 to 1)

Group D (Japan, Jordan, Palestine, Iraq)

      

We finally arrive at the “Group of Death”…or at least what passes for one in this tournament.

Japan (Winning Odds—Straight Up)

The Alberto Zaccheroni Era lies behind us. A Dago hasn’t been more deserving of a solid shitcanning since Berlusconi decided that 11 monthly “Bunga Bunga” parties just weren’t enough. Christ. It seems like only yesterday that your friendly bookie touted an epic turnaround, spearheaded by all those Japanese internationals flooding the German Bundesliga (See below). My rapacious “Kraut-Bias” left me with egg on my face…and not for the first or last time.

The Blue Samurai emerge from a nightmarish cycle of adversity that leaves few convinced they have a shot at capturing their fifth continental championship. New head trainer Javier Aguirre showed no mercy in dumping plenty of underachieving Zacherroni pets. Hosogai, Okubu, and Hiroki Sakai have been pitched. Makoto Hasebe has been welcomed back into the fold and his captaincy restored.

Hmmmm…is there truly any way of completing this section without prattling on about the Bundesliga club players? I suppose not. I’m a Hun and everyone will just have to deal with that.

Shinji Kagawa returned to Borussia Dortmund over the Summer and the whole Fatherland went nuts. We genuinely thought his arrival would offset the Lewandowski departure and that Dortmund would pose a legitimate challenge to Bayern over the course of the season. Now that Kagawa has managed an impressive total of one fucking goal, Dortmund finds itself in the relegation zone, and Jürgen Klopp is one loss away from taking that job as the Produce Manager at the Aldi in Garmisch-Partenkirschen…all is lost. ; ( ; ( The whole damn Bundesliga campaign is lost. ; ( ; ( I’ve been watching the Swiss Alpo Super League. ; ( ; (

Otherwise, the German “Guest Workers” maintain relatively fine form. Shinji Okazaki continues to tear it up for FSV Mainz 05. Takeshi Inui, Hiroshi Kiyotake, Gotoku Sakai have been stellar for Eintracht Frankfurt, Hannover 96, and VfB Stuttgart respectively. Schalke’s Atsuto Uchida had to withdraw after a last-minute injury. Huge loss. Ye-ouch. 

In non-Bundesliga news (as if it matters), striker Keisuke Honda has successfully revived his career over at A.C. Milan. Across town, Yuto Nagatomo struggles at Inter. Yasuhito Endo is still around! He even netted six goals this year in the J-League! 34-years-old and still kicking ass! New call-ups from the domestic league include Naomichi Ueda, Gen Shoji, Yu Kobayashi, and Gaku Shibasaki. The first two haven’t even been capped yet heading into the tournament.  

Aguirre makes a few leaps of blind faith. Will he succeed? Hell if I know. The Kraut-Bias leaves me simultaneously blinded and perplexed. Your friendly bookie cannot even begin to speculate on this team anymore without feeling like Helen Keller.

Who the hell knows? Let’s play some football.

 Projecting the Japanese Lineup (4-3-3) 

Shinji Okazaki   Keisuke Honda

Makoto Hasebe

Shinji Kagawa        Yasuhito Endo

Hiroshi Kiyotake

Y. Nagatomo Y. Konno M. Yoshida  G. Sakai

Eiji Kawashima

 A Syndicate Classic—Japan 

How about a little journey back to 2013? It won’t hurt. I promise. If you’re man enough to read all of this.....you’re a true man. Someone owes you a blowjob. Tell them that the “Shadow Scholar” sent you. I’ll work on getting the coupons printed out.

From CC 2013—Syndicate: Judgment Play

 Japan (Winning Odds—Straight Up)

Under the tutelage of a benevolent Wop, The Blue Samurai have staged a more improbable comeback than Shinzo Abe. (Yes, beloved syndicate members, it’s THAT time). Regular readers may wince at my persistent inability to discuss the Japanese team without working in some reference to the current Japanese Prime Minister. I cordially remind your that this obligatory reference would not prove necessary, if this fucking country could straighten out its leadership situation! Our meditative chant continues to grow:

Abe, Fukoda, Aso, Hatoyama, Kan, Noda….Abe.

Abe, Fukoda, Aso, Hatoyama, Kan, Noda….Abe.

Abe, Fukoda, Aso, Hatoyama, Kan, Noda….Abe.

Hoooohhm. This year we might as well add a mnemonic:

Assess Fate As Hefty Karma Never…Aspire.

Wow. That was darkly deep. Hooohhm.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

One year on, I think I’ll go with:

Apprise Failed Acts Heuristically, Kid. Narcissistic…Asshole.

Still darkly deep.

Hoooohm.

The latest incarnation of the Samurai features more German actors than a low-budget porn flick. Team captain Makoto Hasebe has been lighting it up for VfL Wolfsburg for years. Lead striker Shinji Okazaki turns in goals….not nearly often enough…for Baden giants VfB Stuttgart. Newcomers from the German ranks include Gotoku Sakei (also of Stuttgart) Takashi Inui of Eintracht Frankfurt, Hiroki Sakai of Hannover 96, and Hiroshi Kiyotake of F.C. Nürnberg.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Interestingly enough, the two top-tier Bundesliga players both switched clubs and took totally divergent paths. Wolfsburg dropped Hasebe. He tanked and likely lost his captain’s armband for good. HE has battled injuries whilst playing for sure-to-be relegated German club 1 FC. Nürnberg. He hasn’t played for Zaccheroni’s national squad since November. Conversely, Okazaki switched addresses and finally began to realize his latent potential. He moved to FSV Mainz, where he proceeded to break out with a monster 14-goal season. He’ll surely get more lucrative contract offers this summer

Innui, Sakai, and Kioytake all find themselves in mediocre form, unlikely to be selected.

The Bundesliga presently evolves into a fine audition platform for many Japanese internationals. Players will keep pouring in hoping to emulate the success story of Shinji Kagawa. The former Dortmund superstriker secured a lucrative deal with Manchester United last summer and spent the entire season in top form. Kagawa spearheads an intriguing Japanese attack directed by midfield general Hajime Hosogai (another Bundesliga contractor no less). Hosogai receives assistance from ever mobile veterans Kengo Nakamura, Yasuhito Endo, and Keisuke Honda. Atsuto Uchida anchors the defensive corps. Last Kraut-centric reference, I promise: He plays for Schalke.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Hosogai is another one presently stuck in a poor run of form. He remains likely to be selected, however, as Zaccheroni faces a shortage of other options. Honda and Uchida have struggled with injury, but are also probable call-ups. Endo and Nakamura are officially retired.

Perhaps the most notable absence is that of the Brazilian born playmaker Tanaka. The electric center back suffered a debilitating injury that, coupled with his advancing years, virtually ensures the end of his international career. Takayuki Morimoto has been left off after experiencing a nose-dive in form. Ditto Yuko Nagatomo and Yasuyuki Konno. Daisuke Matsui and Junichi Inamoto are likely retired for good.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Tanaka is currently attempting a comeback with third-tier German Bundesliga Club FFC Frankfurt. We…er…wish him all the best with that.

The new-look Japs appear poised to turn a few heads. This oddsmaker will be watching closely to see how well Alberto Zaccheroni’s bizarre 3-4-3 works.

Iraq (Winning Odds—Straight Up)

It was the magical summer of 2007. Thirty-thousand American troop surge time in troubled Mesopotamia. Admittedly, it was a pretty fucked up tournament. The AFC opted to restructure their counts and hold the tournament in odd numbered years. Domestic Club teams objected and occasionally outright refused to send their contracted players. Indonesia, Malaysia, Thailand, and Vietnam ALL hosted matches, leading to a hectic travel schedule that surely prompted a few upsets, not to mention some seriously skewed groups.

The entire group stage featured one improbable miracle after another. The South Koreans, Japs, and Aussies barely made it out. The Iraqis improbably demolished the Socceroos in Bangkok to top the group. In a separate group, co-hosts Vietnam dismantled the U.A.E. to give Iraq a soft Quarterfinal Opponent. Iran and South Korea fought hard over 120 minutes in a highly physical nil-nil draw that went to penalties. Iraq then in turn held their own against an exhausted Taeguk Warrior Squad in another nil-nil fixture that went the full 120. Having been presented with quality scouting info, the Cinderella Iraqis edged out the Koreans on penalties to advance to the final.

The overwhelmed Japs were then shockingly upset by the Saudis in the other Semi-final, setting up a ho-hum Championship Match that Iraq won 1-0. At least half a dozen people were killed by celebratory gunfire in Baghdad that night. Triumphant violence claimed the lives of several dozen more across the country. Sigh. ; ( ; ( When the Lakers win the Championship, the Angelinos have the good courtesy to merely turn over a few cars and set them ablaze.

Was it a fluke that ultimately resulted in some embarrassing results for the struggling young republic? Yes. Eight years later, can the “Lions of Mesopotamia” do it again, this time? Actually…yes. Iraq is captained by former Al-Arabi “superstriker” Younis Mahmoud. He’s tallied 51 times in 130 Caps for the national side. Deployed alongside him you’ll find the only MLS Player I care to comment on, Justin Meram of the Columbus Crew. Midfielder Ahmed Yaseen presently takes the Swedish league by storm. Swindon Town’s Yaser Kasim is in negotiations for a Premiership contract. Ahmad Kalaf anchors the back four. He makes for a fine Talisman.

I like this eclectic group. I’ll even project a lineup for you. Watch them power through to the knockouts. Just watch. 

 Projecting the Iraqi Lineup (4-4-2) 

Younis Mahmoud Alaa Abdul-Zahra

Justin Meram

Yaser Kasim Ahmed Yasin S. Abdul Amire

Ahmad Kalaf               Salam Shaker

W. Salem  D. Ismail

Jalal Hassan

 Jordan (Winning Odds—8 to 1) 

They’ve now qualified for their third AFC Championship. In both previous instances, they made the Knockout Rounds. That doesn't mean your friendly bookie knows much of anything about them. In fact the mere thought of Jordan; this tiny American-friendly, pro-Western rich emirate with the Amercian Queen Emeritus and the current king’s infatuation with Aziz Anzari gets your friendly bookie just a mite angry.

The final “country” to be covered is none other than Palestine; a territory that the Jordanians once invaded; a territory whose blighted citizens were not accepted as political refugees.

This trends to the far-too-serious side of things. For now we’ll simply say that no lineups will be projected and no grand prognostications will be made.

 Palestine (Winning Odds—32 to 1) 

This is happening!! Fuck yeah! This is happening!! Ahem….allow that to sink in for one more nanosecond.

THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!

Observer Status at the U.N. and now a legitimate berth in a major international tournament.

THIS IS HAPPENING!!!

The Palestinians have been recognized by FIFA since the late 90s. It may come as little surprise to anyone that a non-state entity built on martyrdom had a little trouble getting off the ground. Now it’s finally come to pass.

THIS IS HAPPENING!!!

We’ll all be watching with great interest, if not deep cynicism. Your friendly bookie cannot bring himself to project any lineups or make any grand prognostications. Even a bleeding heart can’t bleed all over the damn place.

Enjoy it while it lasts. 

Vicey’s Fearless Group Projection (Straight Up for Bookie)

1) Japan 

2) Iraq 

3) Jordan 

4) Palestine 

Quarterfinal Odds

 1) Japan (NO BETS)

 2) Iraq (NO BETS)

 3) Jordan (3 to 1)

 4) Palestine (5 to 1)

Semifinals Odds

 1) Japan (NO BETS)

 2) Iraq (NO BETS)

 3) Jordan (5 to 1)

 4) Palestine (8 to 1)

GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS