Abend Syndicate Members,
Your friendly bookie senses re-invigoration as we return to
Asia. Eight inherently annoying teams have been cut loose. Nothing quite like
losing some irritating “Dead Weight”. It frees up the shoulders and the
consciousness. As the AFC Asian Cup enters the Knockout Phases, we’re all glad
to be rid of sorry footballing nations like Qatar and Oman.
Time to actually watch some quality football in the name of irrepressible geo-political trends.
Time to actually watch some quality football in the name of irrepressible geo-political trends.
Where’s that graphic? We need our graphic!
Four elimination matches to cover this evening. Let’s cover
the stats first.
My Updated Stats
Spread: 12-12
Straight Up: 18-5-1
Never overthink matters when it comes to Asia. Heed that
advice.
Time to check the mailbag.
Reader:
You’re no Raphael Honigstein, brother.
Vicey:
Hehehehe. I know. Most days I’m fortunate enough to be a poor man’s Oliver
Hitz. ; )
Reader:
Pissy about having to cover Asia?
Vicey:
Nah. Not really. It’s just that I’m spending an inordinate amount of time
sitting in my bathrobe in front of the keyboard. By the way, I have a public
service announcement for all of the hard-working writers out there:
Ahem.
It’s Girl Scout Cookie Season!
For the
love of God and everything holy, don’t answer the door dressed only in your bathrobe!
I know that you’re extremely busy and heavily distracted, but there may very
well be an eight-year-old girl on the other side of that knock.
Don’t
unintentionally submit yourself to completely coincidental feelings of horrible
shame and ten boxes of thin mints.
I was
only trying to meet a writing deadline!! I’m a good person!!
Reader:
There actually is a beIN TV Channel!
Vicey:
Syndicate Member 128-M wishes to remind you all that an authentic American
Cable Satellite Channel is covering the Africa Cup of Nations. All that you
mates now have to do is call up your cable provider and tell them,
“Just
give me every damn channel ever known to man”
Good
luck with that. If you’re phoning up Comcast, it should only take you four
hours to navigate their phone tree.
Reader:
Hey Mr. Douchebag. I bet you still like to cuddle.
Vicey:
Dear Lord it’s a woman. ; ) Who’s been slacking off on guard duty? Perimeter
breach, brothers. PERIMETER BREACH. Sound the alarm!
A little
early for you, isn’t it? The Syndicate’s comprehensive coverage of the Women’s
World Cup is still five months away. Gentlemen, meet Syndicate Member 14-F.
You’ll all meet her soon enough…or I’ll succeed in running away and hiding away
somewhere else once again. : )
A
SYNDICATE CLASSIC
A “piece of piss”, you might think.
“This asshole simply reposts some of his old shit”. That may
be true in a certain respect, but check out just how bloody neurotic your
friendly bookie happens to be.
From CAN 2013—Quarterfinals
Pump it up Syndicate members,
Stateside, the subsequent three days are known by a
colloquial designation. Somewhere along our culture’s inexorable slide toward
decadence, the next fifty some-odd hours received the classification “Super
Weekend”. I do not object to this. Quite the contrary. I consider it my solemn
duty to accelerate the trend. The term “Super Weekend” rings entirely too
banal, bourgeois, worn-out to a point that now warrants retirement. Moreover,
the use of ONE bromidic adjective does not accurately convey the divine
offerings that lay before us.
The knockout rounds of the African Cup of Nations are
upon us! The new season of Downtown Abbey is in full swing (oh yes, I’m deathly
serious. deathly, deathly serious). Then, of course, to round everything up,
Sunday evening all of us Americans will engage in a uniquely consumerist annual
holiday that involves getting completely plastered whilst eating our own weight
in nacho cheese dip.
I don’t have to go into work! I’ve also cleared all my
deadline contracts. For the first time since….you know….I actually cannot
remember…(possibly September, but don’t quote me)…I HAVE TIME OFF! It’s
scarcely believable. This bookie maintains no memory of what “time off” even
feels like! Where should I begin? The Halloween/Christmas decorations that I
never got around to taking down? The load of laundry that first resembled a
sizeable ursine creature, then gradually morphed into now what undeniably looks
like marshy swamp habitat? Perhaps I’ll begin by cleaning out the fridge. The milk
with the sell-by date of “November 27th” has probably seen it’s best
days. Hmmm…perhaps the fridge is too ambitious. That half-eaten ham sandwich
over there has turned into a
half-something-I-entirely-do-not-wish-to-know-about. Let’s start there.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Hell yes! I took care of the milk, the decorations, the
ham sandwich, AND the laundry!! Booya! Er…missed the Super Bowl. Can’t have it
all now can you?
All this free time. Which backdated stack of scholarly
journals should I start with? “Foreign Affairs”? “March/April 2012”. Shit. How
did that happen? “American Journal of International Law”? WINTER 2011? Dammit.
“European Journal of International Relations”. Oh for chrissake. I’ll spare you
the quarter. Suffice to say we’re still living in 2010!!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
One day your friendly bookie looks forward to breaking
himself of the habit of reading two-year-old news in the interest of being
stubbornly chronological. One day…
Okay, okay. Peer-reviewed scholarship might prove a bit
heavy anyway. Let’s hit up the magazine periodicals. Surely I don’t have such a
ways to go to catch up with “The Economist”? Yeah! I’ll just pick up right
where I left off….on….JUNE 23rd 2012!?!?!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Case in point: I picked up the June 23rd 2012
issue of the Economist on February 14th 2014. (The day after I left
my most recent job). Did I logically and sanely resume my reading the current
issue after that? FUCK NO. This perpetually self-flagellating monk had to atone
for his sins!!
I had to SLOWLY, PAINFULLY, EXCRUITINGLY work my way
through 96 (96!!) BACKDATED ISSUES OF “THE ECONOMIST”. WHY?!?! I DON’T FUCKING
NO WHY!?!
I’m happy to report that I eventually got caught up. It
took over three months. I cease to make sense to me. The grammatical
feasibility of that last sentence may be dubious at best, but so are my hopes
for ever having anything resembling a normal sex life at this point ; ( ; ( ; (
AHHHHHHHH! Newspapers. Newspapers, newspapers,
newspapers. How we doing’ my beloved Grey Lady/? Wednesday January 23rd.
Phrew. Okay. Doable. WSJ? January 18th? How the hell does this keep
happening?!? Okay. Relax. Stop hyperventilating Foreign Press, foreign press.
That’s the beauty of the Internet! It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since
I’ve followed the IHT, Guardian, Süddeutsche, or FAZ. The latest always sits on
Page One. We’ll just pretend the old news didn’t happen. Of course the Internet
also supplies us with Podcasts. PODCASTS!! Arrrghhh. I’m over four months
behind on my RBB Podcasts! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
I’m also happy to report I’m almost fully caught up on my
RBB Podcasts! Hurrah. ; ) ; ) It took 15 months ; ( ; (
Tongue and cheek wink. Of course, there’s no real need to
worry about me, mates. Your friendly bookie remains the same brutally stubborn
bastard he’s always been. Though he possesses numerous character defects, one
cannot claim he lacks a focused and determined work ethic. Sleep-deprived or
dry heaving, he always finds a way to “get shit done”. He’ll catch up just
fine, just as sure as he’ll eventually stop referring to himself in the third
person. Maintaining concentration is a simple matter of allowing one’s mind to
edit out unimportant things…like the expired milk, the half-eaten ham sandwich,
and the extremely hot girl in the thong bikini staring at you obsequiously from
the corner holding up a four-foot sign that reads “PETER! I LOVE YOU! Please
ravish me in all orifices immediately!”
What’s that? I didn’t see anything. Honestly. The mind
simply edits it out automatically.
Whatever I end up catching up this weekend, a
“radonkulous” spate of first-rate football fixtures mean I definitely won’t be
catching up any sleep. I sincerely hope all of you will find to catch at least
one. Thus far, many syndicate members have written in to innocently (and truly
with no amount of sarcasm) inquire why they should be interested in African
Football. Only by actually taking in a match can you figure out the answer to
that question for yourselves. We’ll compose an entirely non-football related
ramblings section for the terminally bored. First, I’d like to welcome everyone
to the vastly superior version of “Super Weekend” that you’ve long since
assumed I forgot to enclose:
Gentlemen, welcome to the…..
“ASS-KICKING-TERRIFIC-AWESOME-HISTORIC-MOTHER-OF-ALL-MOTHER-FUCKING
WEEKENDS”
Tada! Still not intrigued? Well, let’s do one of our
patented aphoristic rambling sections. Sadly, I only have time for an abridged
one.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
“Only have time for an abridged one”. Yeah….that’s what I
tell the girls too ; (
Random Thoughts from a Disarmed Bookie….Vicey is a
Rambling Man
--Sitting down to sling out a few arrows of thought, the
first one that surfaces concerns the inability to find a decent online
electronic trance radio station. By this I mean, could I possibly beseech
someone out there in the ether to SIMPLY PLAY SOME UNINTERRUPTED UPBEAT
TRANCE?!? I’m on my fourth station thus far, and haven’t gone so much as a
minute without having to listen to some accented DJ bursting in:
“Hey..hey..it’s Jochaim von Schwarzlaugenschmelze and
YOU..are in…DA MIX!”
Shut the fuck up. I know where I am…and I was doing just
fine until you showed up!
If they’re not shamelessly plugging themselves, they
interrupt to string together a bunch or irreverent and redundant information.
“Yes, yes…high energy…energy techno…spinning the tables
for you’re high energy dance energy Friday night party. Out of control.
ENERGY!”
This shit doesn’t happen on the classical channel.
“Hey..hey…it’s BACH! Baroque, baroque, baroque. Lot’s of
stings. There’s even a French Horn in there somewhere. Twenty-minute bass-solo.
Baroque!”
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
This continues to perturb.
“Yes I’m still here”
“Interrupting your track”
“Joachim von Schwarzlaugensmelzenbrötchen”
“In da mix”
“In da mix”
--Sigh. Speaking of Austrians who don’t know when to
quit, why does the Gubenator have a new movie coming out?
“Schwarzenegger in “The Last Stand”: “Not in his town!
Not on his watch!”
Hmmm…apparently, “Not at the U.S. Box Office” either.
Sorry, but I refuse to suspend disbelief this far. Why are residents of a
conservative Texas border town electing a foreigner as sheriff? That’s
just….no….no, no, no.
--Plodding through my copy of Jeff Bridges latest
offering, “The Dude and the Zenmeister”. Sad to say it’s going about as
disastrously as my initial viewing of “Tinker, Tailor, Solider, Spy”. Halfway
through and I’ve still got no clue what’s going on. All I’ve been able to
surmise is that it must be nice to be those people. It’d be nice to have a
career as a spymaster…or an actor who talks about “cuons” with a nutty old Jew
for a weekend. Yeah…my life’s not so bad….just not as good as theirs.
--More disappointing writing from Michael Lewis. Perhaps
I waited to long to read “The Big Short”. It just hasn’t aged well. After being
exposed to all the pompous hype, one reads with a more vigilant eye. His take
on Germany? A bunch of tired, clichéd NAZI analogies that remind me of very bad
drunken times at very dingy bars.
“Oh, your from Germany,” some slob would spit out on a
sultry Louisiana night, “come on and…sheet down Brüder (gesticulating). Let me
make you a little….LEBENSRAUM! Bwahahahahahaha!”
I’m not a snob. Additionally, absolutely love me some
frivolous drunk humor. It’s just…..maybe it’s about time we let some of this
go.
--Your friendly bookie Vicey: Perpetually happy to write
about the countries Rick Steves wouldn’t touch with a soiled mop handle.
--Do you know Jean Ping? You should get to know Jean
Ping:
He’s half Chinese, half Gabonese. One doesn’t encounter
that sort of inter-ethnic breeding everyday. Somewhere in Africa there was a
Chinese man who managed to charm and seduce an African woman. The results are
nothing short of astounding. The accomplished diplomat sports a head shaped
like a football itself, yet still somehow manages to pull of a Samuel L.
Jackson glare. After working his way up through the late Gabonese President
Omar Bongo’s cabinet he served honorably in UNESCO and the UN General Assembly
before finally ascending to the Chair of the AU Commission. He’s essentially
the Juan Manuel Barrosso of Africa. Check out some of his directives. It’s
Confucius meets Shaft.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Jean Ping is currently head of “Ping and Ping
Consulting”…..I’ve suddenly got a hankering for some shrimp-fried rice.
--Time to come clean. Off my chest. I count myself among
the legions of grown-up alpha American males intrigued by the surprisingly deep
existential lessons embedded within the television serial….”My Little Pony:
Friendship is Magic”. I have no excuse for this. I’ve borne no children. The
show was deliberately developed to appeal to the parents forced to watch their
show with their children. I heard about through general Pop Culture Chatter,
checked it out, and……am……astounded.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Still an unabashed “Brony”, though I mostly root for
Nightmare.
--I’ve yet another Chinese Politician to introduce to you
to. Have you met Wang Yang? Seriously..that’s the man’s name. The “Wukan
Wonder” ran Chonquing Province before giving way to Bo Xilai upon his promotion
to the Politburo. With all that we’ve read about Bo Xilai over the past year,
why have newspaper reporters been depriving us of the name of his predecessor?
The man’s name is “WANG YANG”! I wouldn’t be able to resist mentioning that
three sentences below the dateline.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Rest in Peace, Bo. Wait a second? They didn’t execute
him? That’s anticlimactic. ; (
--About time to close this little free-styling section.
We’ll pick up where we left off during the semifinals. For now, there’s
football to discuss. DJ Vice with leave you with this:
“Yes, yes…high energy…energy techno…spinning the tables
for you’re high energy dance energy Friday night party. Out of control.
ENERGY!”
Whoops. Hit the wrong button there. Let’s try again. DJ
Vice will leave you with this:
Great book. Best book I’ve read all year. For all the
smack I’ve been talking about disappointing over-hyped literature, allow me to
say in all earnestness that this one is a MUST-READ for all the beaten-down
Grad-Students out there. Yes, I’m talking to you my beloved clients. Read this
snarky account of how we’ve all been duped into hating ourselves because years
ago some mediocre asshole carved out a niche and elected to defend it like a
junkyard dog. Sure, it amounts to little beyond some narcissistic sour grapes
in the final analysis…but at least read it to feel a little bit better about
your current predicament. It’s been discounted!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
The Book in question is Bruce Bawer’s “The Victim’s
Revolution: The Rise of Identity Politics and the Closing of the Liberal Mind”.
I….er…..solemnly promise less academic bashing in this summer’s syndicate.
Goodbyes
Section
With half of the field eliminated, we’ve eight teams to bid
farewell to. Placing is determined, as always, based on points first, goal
differential second, and overall goals scored third.
The AFC being the more predictable of two tournaments currently
in progress, you’ll notice that we’ve lost absolutely nothing other than Dead
Weight. Your friendly bookie didn’t bother to expend too much effort on any of
these squads in his Odds Primer. With the caveat of Korea DPR, none of these
sides were even projected to advance out of their group
Accordingly, I won’t overextend myself here. Let’s blow
through this paper-thin stack of lightweights.
16th
Place—Palestine
Praise Allah. It’s FINALLY over. I couldn’t take it anymore.
Of course they finished dead last. That’s what we all expected, even if we
hoped against hope that the sun wouldn’t set.
It’s common for one to carry messianic hopes when rooting
for Semitic peoples from the fertile Promised Land. The sun must always set on
such quixotic hopes and dreams. The sun must always set…unless one lives above
the Arctic Circle. Hmmm…perhaps it’s time to move there. Seriously. Ridiculous
messianic hopes in First Century Palestine led to one of my least favorite
religions. Two thousand years later I can’t pick up the newspaper and read
about the Palestinian subjugation without feeling ashamed to be human.
Let’s all high tail it to Northern Finland.
Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I quite want to
be.
Thanks for the memories, “Knights of Canaan”…and for the
unavoidable does of cynicism as well. At least we got to see Slovenian
International Jaka Inbeisheh score that goal!
Other than that, your friendly bookie pretty much summed it
up earlier.
From AFC 2015—Round Two: 16)
Palestine
Not a single armchair analyst was surprised to see the
“Martyrs” flop with such a resounding thud. The political aspirations of a
displaced people know working on their fourth generation of offspring makes for
a compelling narrative, albeit one that doesn’t exactly transfer well to
activities on the football pitch. Such is life in a vast, empty, and godless
universe.
15th
Place—Kuwait
Here’s a team we can all easily forget. They came. They saw.
They floundered. The only memorable moment they produced concerned…er…well….don’t
believe there was one. Your friendly bookie wrote all of four paragraphs on
them. Further inspiration was lacing, as they did absolutely nothing.
Gentlemen, the 2015 AFC Asian Cup!
14th
Place—Korea DPR
Enormous mistake backing these rubes. One’s mind cannot help
but aimlessly wander back to the 2010 World Cup, during which the “Chollima” at
least had the decency to bring a few mildly intriguing storylines along with
them. This group brought two goals, neither of which was memorable.
We’ll catch back up with them….how about never. Is never
good for you? It’s good for me.
13th
Place—Qatar
Yawn. At this point Ann Coulter has more ideas floating
around in her mostly empty skull than I do. What to write about the “Maroon
Records”, apart from the fact I absolutely do not want to go to their country
for the 2022 “Christmas WM”?
CANCEL QATAR!!
Football fans everywhere implore you, FIFA!
12th
Place—Oman
They couldn’t even make it interesting with only their pride
to play for! I had high hopes for the Red Warriors, particularly after they
fought hard and nearly achieved a draw against the South Koreans in the
Canberra match. Interest withered after the Socceroos blanked them 4-0 and
disappeared forever when the only noteworthy occurrence of the Kuwaiti match
came courtesy of a preening pigeon on the sidelines.
Christ are some of these teams bad. Spending an afternoon
staring despondently at a picture of your ex-girlfriend beats watching some of
the Gulf States Amateurs desperately trying not to score own goals. Good
riddance.
11th
Place—Bahrain
Thank heavens the knockout stages are finally here. Bahrain
turned out to be the footballing equivalent of the planet of “NowWhat”. (See
Douglas Adams’s “Mostly Harmless”) John Okwunwanne and a bunch of Boghogs. Just
under five thousand spectators watched their lifeless and even outright cloying
finale in Sydney. Forty eight hundred people. Minor League Ice Hockey teams in
the U.S. struggle to put up such pathetic attendance.
To make matters worse, 4,800 poor forlorn souls lost 90
valuable minutes of their lives that they’ll never be able to regain. The arrow
of time only moves forward.
That’s it. I insist that the Asian Cup must be scaled back
to an eight-team tournament. We can’t allow this to go any further.
DOWNSIZE….NOW!!
No wonder the Bahrainis flocked to Pearl Square. They didn’t
want to watch this football team!!
10th
Place—Saudi Arabia
Somewhat surprised to see the Green Falcons fumble away
their date with destiny. Were it not for a soft penalty, they might not have
even contested the White Wolves at all. Romanian trainer Aurelian Olarou simply
made all of the wrong moves with his three late substitutions. His Uzbek
counterpart not only made six changes to his starting eleven, he also kept
Vokhid Shodiev in reserve until his laterally minded team was ready for a
speedy substitute.
That’s why we’ll shortly be discussing the White Wolves,
gentlemen. Quality coaching. The three-time Asian Cup Champions, two-time Asian
Cup runners up, and one time Confederations Cup runners up are finished once
again. Poor management once again denies the Saudis a chance at reclaiming
their past glory. It’s just a different world. Doubtful this side will ever
rise again.
9th
Place—Jordan
Now here’s something that will actually be missed. Hamza
al-Dardour retains the lead in the race for the Golden Boot thanks to his
dazzling four-goal match against the Palestinians. This tournament perilously
needed its very own James Rodriguez. And the young gun came through for all of
us. He was a real treat to watch. His sliding finish for the first goal
reminded one why we label this game “the beautiful one”. His third goal came at
the end of a sparkling thirty-yard run. Good stuff. Great sports.
THAT is how a lower-ranked team should conduct itself on a
grand stage. Al-Dardour nevertheless scored four of five goals for “The
Chivalrous”. The Jordanians didn’t even tally in their other two group stage
matches. Hope to see Dardour at least land a Championship contract next year.
The country still had to go.
Ah yes. Feels good to be rid of all that Dead Weight, no?
Let’s rock some lines.
Thursday
South
Korea vs. Uzbekistan
vs. 
This bookie owes the “White Wolves” a most sincere apology. Head trainer Mirjalol Qosimov didn’t earn his reputation as “The Uzbek Ottmar Hitzfeld” by accident. Thus far, the Sage from Tashkent has rolled out three unique formations featuring nearly all of his 23 players. He demonstrated remarkable courage by making five changes to his staring eleven for the crucial “do-or-die” match against the Saudis. He even had the Cajones to sit his captain and give the stripes to his second-in-command.
To an untrained eye like mine, the Uzbeks are nothing more
than an incomprehensible jumble of unfamiliar players with last names all
ending in the syllabic “ov”. Sure they made the Semis back in 2011, but the
Socceroos thrashed that Cinderella side 6-0 and the Taeguks easily dispatched
them in the Third Place Match. Shows you how much I know.
Qosimov will have a plan against the Red Devils of Asia.
He’ll likely re-enlist Shorakmedov and Turnsonov, but keep Sergeev, Djeparov,
and Shodiev in his back pocket should he need a late spark. That, at least, is
what a bookie frantically trying to give himself a crash course in Uzbek
football THINKS the plan may be.
On the other half of the pitch, the Taeguks get back Cha
Du-Ri from injury, yet lose Kim Chang-Soo to suspension. Hoffenheim’s Kim
Jin-Su will have to step in at left fullback. The Koreans have deployed three
separate lead strikers in all of their group stage matches, but probably have
the winning formula after the narrow Kuwaiti win and the Aussie upset. Lee
Jung-Hyup should back up Lee Keun-Ho. Captain Ki-Sung Yeung works best in an
anchoring midfield role, just as he does at Swansea.
The Taeguks have momentum along with the all-important
X-Factor known as confidence. Jung-Hyup scores a late one. Myung-Joo quickly
follows suit.
Projected
Lineups:
“The
Taeguk Warriors”—(4-2-3-1)
Lee Keun-Ho
|
Lee
Jung-Hyup Song Heung-Min
|
Ki Sung-Yeung
|
Lee Myung-Joo Park Joo-Ho
|
K. Kinsu K. Young-Gwon K. Tae Hwi C. Du-Ri
|
Kim Jin-Hyeon
|
“The
White Wolves”—(4-4-2)
Bahodir Nasimov Sardor Rashidov
|
Jasor Hasanov
Sanzhor Turnsonov
|
Odil
Ahmedov Azizbek
Haydarov
|
Vitaly Denisov A. Shorakhmedov
|
Anzur Ismailov S. Mullajanov
|
Ignatiy Nesterov
|
THE
LINE: South Korea +2 Goals
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under—3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—Straight Up
China
PR vs. Australia
vs. 
Congratulations are in order for the Dragons, who reach
their first Asian Cup Knockout Round since they went all the way to the Final
on home soil back in 2004. The Reds captured maximum points from their three
group stage matches, mostly thanks to three goals from Jiangsu Sainty flanker
Sun Ke.
He’ll figure prominently in the match to come, challenging
the potentially vulnerable Aziz Behich on the wing. Either he’ll succeed, or
this one will get ugly quick The Commies are likely to utilize a five man
defensive front. It’s the only hope they have of countering an exceptionally
rare TRUE 4-3-3 that Ange Postecoglou has been carefully cultivating over the
course of the past week.
With first place in the group on the line against the
Koreans, Postecoglou shockingly sat Mathew Leckie, Robbie Kruse, AND Timmy
Cahill. Why? Because tournament football is notoriously rough. He didn’t want
his preferred three-prong attack to log too many minutes. He needed them for
this match, even if it meant ceding a softer Quarterfinal opponent.
The trident should be out in full force before a capacity
crowd in Brisbane. A high line is in order, gentlemen. Bet on a miracle if you
wish.
Projected
Lineups
“Team
Dragon”—(5-4-1)
Gao Lin
|
Yu Hai
Hao Junmin Sun
Ke
|
Zheng Zhi
|
Jiang
Zhipeng
Zhang Chengdong
|
Wu
Xi Zhang Linpeng Li Ang
|
Wang Dalei
|
“The
Socceroos”—(4-3-3)
Max
Kruse Timmy Cahill Mathew Leckie
|
Matt McKay Massimo
Luongo
|
Mark Milligan
|
Aziz
Behich
Ivan Franjic
|
M.
Spiranovic T. Sainsbury
|
Mathew Ryan
|
THE
LINE: Australia + 3 Goals
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under—5 Goals
120 Minutes—2 to 1
Penalty Shootout—3 to 1
Friday
Iran
vs. Iraq
vs. 
Alright everyone. We’re going to war. Get your boots on. No
puny little Persian Gulf six-week offensive here. We’re talking eight
protracted years of stalemate involving gruesome chemical weapons, proxy
support with lingering devastating consequences, and over one million combined
civilian and soldier casualties.
It was the Middle East’s answer to World War I. Though the
conflict claimed far fewer innocent souls, one should factor in the two
American-led Gulf Wars that followed, the irreconcilable Sunni-Shia divide, and
the pretty much everything involving ISIL, the Pesh Merga, and all the other
nauseating stuff you read about in the newspaper every day. It all began
here…..and it hasn’t really relented.
Your bookie is obligated to remind you that a handful of
completely uninvolved people will die as a result of this match, irrespective
of the match’s result. Somewhere in Northern Iraq, an ISIS haven will take
umbrage whichever Shiite-controlled country wins. If that doesn’t happen,
celebratory gunfire will stray someone. If that doesn’t happen, an Iranian
woman trying to watch the match will get stoned to death. If that doesn’t
happen….I grow tired of this.
The Middle Eastern Powder Keg may not be a laughing matter,
but one has to do something. Before us sits an excellent football match that
all of us enthusiasts are really looking forward to seeing. That doesn’t change
the fact that people are going to die.
Hell’s bells. Let’s get through this tactical discussion.
Quieroz has started Azmoun alone up front for the past two matches. I think
he’s skillfully keeping “Gooch” up his sleeve. After Reza’s late-winner against
the U.A.E., the Charlton Athletic striker should get the nod, with Hajsafi,
Shojaei, and Dejageh backing him up. Khorso Heydari may not have the legs to
compete in midfield anymore, but he makes for a fine fullback. Nekounam is
still the man.
Very little inventiveness on display when it comes to the
Iraqi lineup. Mahmoud always occupies the lone attacking perch. Yasin and Kalaf
back him up. Far too predictable.
Justin Meram is forced to stand in for the suspended Alaa Abdul-Zahra.
Bad news all around.
Persians win.
Projected
Lineups:
“The
Princes of Persia”—(4-2-3-1)
Reza Goochannejhad
|
Ehsan
Hajsafi M. Shojaei Ashkan
Dejageh
|
A. Teymourian J. Nekounam
|
Mehrdad Pooladi Khosro Heydari
|
M. Pouraliganji
Jalal Hosseini
|
Alireza Haghighi
|
“The
Lions of Mesopotamia”—(4-2-3-1)
Younis Mahmoud
|
Ahmed
Yasin
Amjad Kalaf
|
Justin Meram
|
Yaser Kasim Saad
Abdul-Amir
|
D. Ismail S.
Shaker A. Ibrahim W. Salem
|
Jalal Hasan
|
THE
LINE: Iran +1 Goal
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under—3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—Straight Up
Japan
vs. U.A.E.
vs. 
Hard to envision in which direction Aguirre will head this
time. He’s harder to read than Klaus Kinski portraying Aguirre. A Bundesliga
Front Five actually seems plausible. Okazaki flanked by Inui and Kagawa. Hasebe
backed up by Endo and Honda. As ludicrous as it may sound, Honda could do some
good work stashed away in defensive midfield.
Zayed’s Sons are dangerous. The “Abdulrahman Axis” can
present serious problems for Morishinge and Yoshida.
Eh…I’m afraid it’s still a total mismatch. Decapitate them,
Blue Samurai.
Projected
Lineups:
“The
Blue Samurai”—(4-3-3)
Shinji Okazaki
|
Takashi Inui
Shinji Kagawa
|
Makoto Hasebe
|
Yasuhito
Endo Keisuke Honda
|
Y. Nagatomo M. Morishige M. Yoshida G. Sakai
|
Eiji Kawashima
|
“Zayed’s
Sons”—(4-1-4-1)
Ahmed Khalil
|
M.
Abdulrahman Ali Mabkhout O.
Abdulrahman
|
Khamis Ismaael
|
A. Abdulrahman
|
Majed Hassan Mohanad Salem H. Al-Kamadi A. Sanqour
|
Majed Naser
|
THE
LINE: Japan +2 Goals
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own)
Over/Under—3 Goals
120 Minutes—Straight Up
Penalty Shootout—2 to 1
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
