Bomabataa Syndicate Members,
There hasn’t been a better time to get into Africa,
brothers! What an amazing tournament we’ve got going here. Never in the history
of Major Continental Championships has there ever been a tournament quite like
this one.
Accuse me of hyperbole will you? Do inform me if you’ve ever heard of a competition in which every last one of the countries was still alive after two group stage rounds.
Accuse me of hyperbole will you? Do inform me if you’ve ever heard of a competition in which every last one of the countries was still alive after two group stage rounds.
Go ahead. Take your time. Time wasted if you ask me.
I’m a patient man.
Keep looking.
Getting tired yet?
It’s never happened before. For those not accustomed to my
eccentric prose, allow me to spell it out for you.
ZERO TEAMS HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED.
ZERO TEAMS HAVE QUALIFIED FOR THE KNOCKOUT STAGES.
Got that? No one has ever seen anything like this. We’re in
for a fantastic finish; four days of drama, intrigue, and Fairy-Tale-Story-Book
Endings. Come on over to Africa, mates. I’ll remind Stateside Bettors that they
can actually watch these games at a reasonable hour. Don’t miss out!
Electric Cable Flowing and the funk don’t stop. Let’s get electrified. Z-U-L-U Take it
away Leftfield!!
AFRICA!!
Okay. Hopefully everyone enjoyed all 120 minutes of
Leftfield’s “Africa SHOX (Deep Cut). Back to business.
My Updated Stats:
Spread: 2-14
Straight Up: 2-7-7
How in the hell can this happen in a Gambling Column? You
tell me. Have I mentioned that no international tournament EVER has seen ALL
team unseeded after the first two rounds. Mass hysteria.
Time to check the mail.
Reader: Eight-year-olds, Vicey?
Vicey:
Eight-year-olds, dude.
Sad, but true. I am not “De Jesus”. I’m merely a humble ghostwriter who
enjoys working his ass off and occasionally composing a Sportsbook for his
close friends. That’s really all there is to your friendly bookie. He’ll never
be a bowling Champion.
He’ll never personally roll his way into the semis. That’s thanks in large part to the fact that I DON’T ROLL ON SHABBOS!! I told that fucking Kraut a thousand times that I DON’T ROLL ON SHABBOS!!
He’ll never personally roll his way into the semis. That’s thanks in large part to the fact that I DON’T ROLL ON SHABBOS!! I told that fucking Kraut a thousand times that I DON’T ROLL ON SHABBOS!!
And in
the event that no one really got that riff or references that followed, you can
go ahead and burn your membership card.
Reader:
So Algeria is “Starting in Third Gear”? You do know that means they would be
off to a very slow start, if they could even get moving.
Vicey:
Syndicate Member 13-M has a way of keeping me in check when it comes to the
automobile metaphors. He had the following response to contribute back in the
Summer of 2013:
From FEM 2013—Quarterfinals:
1)
Page One Rewrites of the Individual Rankings:
Been
meaning to get around to this. It was a race against time as I hastily
scrambled to cobble together an assessment of this tournament’s ladies. Had to
cut a few corners, skip a few countries, and do some uneducated guesswork. It
was akin to giving your car a tune up but forgetting to tighten the sparkplugs.
Let’s get to work fixing matters before those part rocket off in rush hour
traffic.
Syndicate
Member 13-M responded as follows:
“You
don’t ‘tighten’ sparkplugs, idiot. Not unless you want your mechanic to fix
your stupid, ill-informed fuck up!!”
For the
record, I still disagree. I’ve personally had sparkplugs pop off on me…in rush
hour traffic no less. Have fun with this one, brothers.
Er…that’s
all the time we have for “Syndicate Car Talk” today. Next time, we’ll do some
chortle laughs and read off serial numbers in a Boston Accent.
R.I.P.
Tom Magliozzi : ) J
A
SYNICATE CLASSIC:
One of you bastards wrote in to ask what in the hell a woman
was doing in last installment’s mailbag. You know who you are……Syndicate Member
28-M. Oops. Nevertheless, I have your answer.
Women can riff, as evidenced by the best mailbag that ever was : ) : )
Women can riff, as evidenced by the best mailbag that ever was : ) : )
From EM 2012—Semi-Finals:
Mailbag
Reader:
Your blog combines all the excitement of a dull academic paper with the
annoying aesthetics of a headache-inducing green font. What say you to that,
Shadow Scholar?
Vicey: I
dunno. Would a “thank you” really be that out of context?
Reader:
Will the Three Lions ever make it past the quarterfinals again?
Vicey:
No. Next question.
Reader:
What I like most about this year’s Sportsbook is that you’re considerably less
full of yourself.
Vicey:
Cool. I’ll take it. Even a backhanded compliment is worth something.
(Male)
Reader: I think I understand your newfound obsession with Adele. She sets fire
to the rain. You set fire to the keys.
Vicey:
Wow. I’ll take that one as well. I know you’re a dude, but can we get married?
It’s now legal in six states!
Reader:
Per your discussions of some of the Euro-trash classics in the Day 14 Recap, I
do believe we’re entitled to a Letterman-style Top Ten List of the most
Euro-trash Pop Songs. Be sure to include Eiffel 65’s “Blue” and at least two
Aqua songs in there.
Vicey:
What a fantastic idea! It’s been some years since I’ve composed a Top Ten List.
I’m well overdue. Sadly, we do run into a few problems. One might say that Aqua
has produced enough material to fill it's own list. Perhaps there should be a
separate category for terrible songs related to sex? I’ll leave the hashing out
of the details to the syndicate members. With everyone chipping in, I’m
confident we can eventually compile a list of the “500 most Euro-trash Songs of
All Time.” In the meantime, I’ll plant the seeds with this….
“Top
Twenty Most Euro-trash Songs of All Time”
20.
“Geil” –Bruce and Bongo
Oh yes.
In the event you STILL don’t recognize it, allow me to refresh you with the
opening lyrics:
“On
Friday the zerteenth of December, Bruce and Bongo discover Germany’s most
successful word…..geil…g-g-g-g-eil.”
19. “The
Riddle” –Gigi D’Agnostino
“Near a
tree by the river, there’s a hole in the ground,
where an
old man of aran goes around and around,
and his
mind is a beacon in the veil of the night…”
Hold on
a second. I need to write this down. Anyone have a pen?
18.
“It’s True (I wanna sleep with you)” –E-Rotic
Our
first horrible sex song! This group was popular in Europe in the late nineties.
They also had a song entitled “I know you love my tits”. Even more absurd, I
saw them live once on the Karlsruhe Marktplatz.
17.
“Eurofighter” –E Type
What the
regional-integrating fuck was THIS song about?
“The
time is now…we’re back in town…we can do whatever, dance the night
away…EUROFIGHTER!”
16.
“Blue” –Eiffel 65
If I
hear this song again…I swear to fucking Christ.
15. “Sex
Bomb” –Tom Jones
Only in
Europe:
“Sex
Bomb, sex bomb
You’re
my sex bomb
And baby
you can turn me on.”
14.
“Daylight” –The No-Angels
Germany’s
early naught answer to the Spice Girls. Careful. Just by listening you might
contract AIDS.
“I wanna
be Daylight in your eyes
I wanna
be sunlight, only warmer.”
Er….WHAT?
Sunlight, “only warmer”? What the proverb-mangling fuck are you talking about?
13.
“Sonnendeck” –Peter Licht
Hey…I
didn’t say that some of these songs weren’t good. I’ve got this one, along with
“The Riddle” on my i-pod.
“Wenn
ich nicht zu Hause bin, bin ich auf’m Sonnendeck
bin ich,
bin ich, bin ich, bin ich”
12. “I’m
horny” –Moose
Who the
fuck greenlit THIS song?
“I’m
horny…horny, horny, horny”
That’s
the entire song. It goes on for five minutes.
11.
“Papi Chulo” –Lorna
Another
one I happen to like…or at least I did the first 342,891 times I danced to it.
10.
“Wild Dance” –Ruslana
“Bah-de-ya-bah-da-wah-da-de-ya”
Er…why
not? It’s the closest the Russians have ever come to something that doesn’t
make one want to chug vodka, fold one’s hands over one’s elbows, and kick one’s
feet while shouting “Hey…hey…hey…hey…hey..hey”
9. “Coco
Jamboo” –Mr. President
Let’s
just pretend this never happened. The group, that is. They never happened. Are
we clear?
8.
“Let’s Get back to Bed, Boy!” Sarah Connor featuring TQ
No,
you’re not high. An artist named SARAH CONNOR once transfixed Europe. Man, I’d
like to go Schwarzenegger from the first Terminator on her.
“Sarah
Connor?”
“Yes?”
“BLAM!”
For this
hit she was joined by an American rapper you’ve never heard of named T.Q. His
contribution to the song, besides calling Sarah a “brand new diva” was to utter
the line:
“I get
us some Dom,
it make
it better,
wake up
in the morning,
we be
stuck together.”
How
romantic. Almost as Romantic as her follow-up “We’re goin’ do what they call
the French Kissing.” Oh God. Poor Europe.
7.
“Country Roads” –remixed by the Hermes House Band
Someone
has yet to explain to me why Germans love John Denver’s “Country Roads”. Are we
truly such bucolic people?
6.
“Generation of Love” –Masterboy
Just
like Aqua, Masterboy really necessitates it’s own list.
5.
“Autobahn”—Kraftwerk
Gotta
show some love to the classics. I only wish I had room for “Endless Europe”,
“Showroom Dummies”, and “Franz Schubert”. We want za money, Lebofski!!
4.
“Lollipop”—Aqua
Here we
are. She was one hot Danish bitch. I even almost bought the new album just to
see how she’s holding up. Then I remembered that I don’t make that much money…
3. “Make
Me Wet (Makin love in the shower)” –E-Rotic
They’re
back. Fuck this band. “It’s True (I wanna sleep with you)”, “I know you love my
tits” and “Make Me Wet (makin love in the shower)". Jesus fucking H.
Christ. This band ruined so much for me. When I was living in Berlin, it took
me three whole weeks to build up the courage to ask out the cute Turkish girl
working the cashier checkout at the “Penny Markt”.
Finally
I had my lines memorized. I went to the store and selected a wholesome lot of
items that did not include alcohol, cigarettes, or porn. Here was my big
moment. She scanned my bundle of broccoli, packet of candles, and assortment of
fresh fruit. AND….then this song was piped in. A bit sleep deprived and giddy,
I couldn’t help laughing. She thought I was insane. She was right…but…DAMN THIS
SONG!
Don’t
listen to this song if you ever want to have sex in the shower again.
2.
“Dieci Cento Mille” –Brothers
Let’s
just ban Italians from recording studios.
1. “Sexy
Vampire” –The Fright Rangers
You want
the lyrics, don’t you? I’ll oblige.
“Sexy
Vampire,
I’m
falling in love,
So just
BITE ME BABY,
And
drink all my blood…oh yeah”
“Sexy
Vampire,
I’m
falling love with..you,
So..do..what
you want to do,
Cuz you
need my plasma more than I.”
Sorry,
“Twilight” fans. Euro-trash was a good decade ahead of you. Anytime I meet a
girl who likes the Twilight Saga this song rushes through my head. I’ll laugh
so hard you’ll think me insane…and you’ll be right.
I know
I’ve missed several….hundred. That’s the bottom line, syndicate members.
Together we can top 500. Send in your picks.
Actual
Reading Ex-Girlfriend: So I was reading your section on partying with the
Italians. [Day 16 Recap]. All I could think of was “Look, there’s a guy who
tries something out for a little while. Then he arbitrarily concludes that ‘it
will all end in tears’ and runs away to hide out somewhere else. Sure sounds
like the Peter Weis I know.
Vicey:
What the….why would you….I mean…how could you…that’s totally…I mean……I’m human
and…….OUCH! OW, OW, OW! I won’t lie. That one stung a bit. I laughed it up, but
it was mostly to keep from crying.
(Female)
Reader: You do realize that you’re wasting your talent on this stupid nonsense?
Vicey:
Dad? Is that you? Why are you pretending to be a woman?
Reader:
Goddamn cheese eating surrender-monkeys!
Vicey:
Guess who’s back?
Reader:
Why couldn’t you fucking bastards just lose with a hint of dignity?
Vicey:
Back again.
Reader:
It’s one thing to play a shit game and lose to the team that will go all the
finals before being beaten by the Über-Krauts.
Vicey:
This cat’s back.
Reader:
It’s a whole different beast to award a penalty kick at 90 fucking minutes into
the goddamn game. You could have lost by one, but no, you worthless fucking
bastards had to screw it all up. Worse yet, you cost me my fucking bet. I could
taste victory with your average defeat, but no, you had to fuck it up. Next
time Germany invades your lazy excuse for a country, don’t go looking for Big
Brother America to bail you out again. Get ready to beg for Munster and forget
the memory of Brie. Fucking Frogs
Vicey:
Tell a friend.
(Female)
Reader: Your “Hot Girl Standings” remind me of how soccer matches are
“scripted” for the male gaze.
Vicey:
….but there’s plenty for you too! Talk about how hot you find individual male
players. Go ahead. It’s fine. I promise you. If some guy gets uppity jealous…well
he’s a pathetic man-child. Ditch him. Any real man will simply laugh and be
grateful that you’re getting into the match with him.
(Male)
Reader: I must admit I enjoy reading about your travels and adventures. Why
can’t you give us more of that and less lineup predictions?
Vicey:
Grrrr. Look, I don’t mean to be sensitive about this topic, but there’s a very
good reason I don’t travel more: I’M NOT INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY! Even penniless
hitchhiking costs money when you’re a chain-smoking boozehound with a load of
expensive computer equipment. Obviously, if I had my way I’d spend 365 days a
year traversing the globe writing about international sports tournaments.
There’s this thing called REALITY that we all must learn to accept. Sorry to
come down so hard on you, but you almost sound like one of my ex-girlfriends.
(Female)
Reader: Respect the cunt and tame the cock!
Vicey:
(giggling uncontrollably). Nicely done!
Reader: Bookie’s
Greek cousin Viceis Papapeteros: My friend, my friend, my friend, my friend.
Why you no call me? I haif some very nice extra good filling specials for
special good friend. Baklava melt in the mouth of extra good special friend.
Souvlaki taste like extra special heaven filling good special!
Vicey:
(Pretending not to be here)
(Male)
Reader: [in re Day 16 Recap] How can you leave a bunch of sixteen-year-old
girls in the lurch like that?
Vicey:
You pervert! I’m reporting you to the authorities! I hope you share a cell with
Sandusky. I like WOMEN, not little girls! Incidentally, that reminds me of a
helpful hint for determining whether an American girl is too young. Like, she
will, like, go through this, like, phase. Like, during this phase, she’ll,
like, say like, like, every third word. Don’t, like, worry. She’ll, like, grow
out of it. Until she, like, does, she’s, like TOO YOUNG. To tie this in with
the ruminations on wealth, LEAVE THE YOUNG GIRLS ALONE. You rich bastards, too.
Let them live their life. They don’t need you fucking it up.
(Female)
Reader: You’re a male chauvinist shithead. There is absolutely nothing
redeeming about your shallow, stupid, and immature commentary! I’d insult you
more, but it seems like any further invective will just make you want to fuck
me.
Vicey:
In the ass, baby. Excuse me while I get started on the letter:
Dear
Penthouse Forum,
I never
thought it would happen to me…
With everything still turned over on its head, let’s rank
some countries:
1)
Senegal (Previously #2)
How bizarre can it get? The Lions of Teranga are taking the
tournament by storm and Papisse Cisse hasn’t even logged a single minute yet.
Sadio Mane also hasn’t factored in at all. Unsung heroes are picking up the
slack.
Kara Mbodj tenaciously headed in a rebound off his own
bleeding header! Mame Biram Diouf can place the ball on the tip of anyone’s
boot at a moment’s notice. Mbodj and Diouf were once subjects of your friendly
bookie’s suspicion. No longer. Moussa Sow and the potentially injured Pape
Soare have also earned my trust.
Needing only a draw to advance, we’ll pick them to play for
one. All bettors should remain advised that they might just make the final.
2)
Congo NDR (Previously #11)
Sweet little shocker from the African Red Devils. This
bookie owes Claude LeRoy a high-end fruit basket. None of that 300-percent-markup
Hy-Vee bullshit either. The French Wizard has earned himself $95 “Deluxe
Organic” Pilgrim-Style Platinum-Level Presenter from Harry & David of the
Golden Coast. Bifouma once again started at Center Forward, once again paired
with Ferebory Doré.
Doré serves as “60-75 Minute Man”. Then Malonga comes
crashing in like an oversized freight train. BAM! LeRoy knows what he’s doing.
Naturally, he’ll have to re-calibrate his strategy after Malonga remained
silent and Mafoumbi benefited from some lucky breaks in the final 15. The man
has still shown us enough to redeem himself…in this bookie’s eyes at least.
Oniangue’s winning goal owes everything to a botched
defensive clearance. Luck shines on “the other Leopards”. The Burkinabé
Stallions may yet kick them in the groin. For the time being, we’re all
impressed. ; )
3)
Algeria (Previously #1)
Back down to earth we come. Bentaleb and Feghouli
downshifted significantly. Brahimi was a non-factor. Slimani proved ineffective
even coming off the bench. No one knew where Medhi Lacen was the whole night,
because his name never happened to be called!
The Desert Foxes remain foundationally strong. Bougherra and
Feghouli struggled against higher caliber defenders, but they’ll get another
chance to turn some tricks.
Gourcuff’s inheritance of Halihodzic’s masterstroke must not
be taken lightly. One setback won’t sink their chances.
4)
Ghana (Previously #14)
Just what Dr. Grant ordered for our beloved Black Stars. All
of us Africa enthusiasts were unduly harsh on the “Gold Coast Playas” after
they (along with several other favored heavyweights) delivered a tepid debut
that left us wondering if we needed to pack long johns for our inevitable
journey to frozen-over Hell. Overly focused on the massive absence of Kwadwo Asamoah,
many of us completely forgot that Asamoah Gyan remained available. A bout with
Malaria kept him out of the opener. Now he’s back to turn on the jets.
Grant’s Gang just looked uncomfortable lining up in an
ad-hoc, haphazard 4-1-4-1 spear-tipped by the younger Ayew brother. A 4-4-2
with Asamoah Gyan up front didn’t look anywhere near as awkward. Frustration
was on display when Agyemang-Badu made that insipid move, but they got the job
done at the end of the night. Wakaso Mubarak had been threatening to set up
Asamoah Gyan for some time. The Ayew brothers synced up for some truly splendid
lateral play. Even Afful and Mensah got involved with some neat touches out of
the defensive third.
They’re back in a big way. Don’t be too quick to bet against
them when they face Bafana.
5)
Gabon (Previously #3)
So much attacking intent from the Panthers. Bulot and Evouna had their looks. Aubameyang gave everyone a taste of his power with that Laser Beam shortly before the half. Levy Madinda of Celta wasn’t even on this bookie’s radar, but he is now. Slick control, even if the finish was lacking. Five separate quality chances for the La Liga International. What a stud!
How could I have ever doubted this crew? It all came down to
Aubameyang and Dortmund’s abhorrent season. Klopp’s anomalous campaign leads
one down an infinite number of Garden Paths. We’ve still not born witness to
Jorge Costa’s full cader of five menacing strikers.
It’s beginning to look a lot like the Quarterfinals. Get in
the spirit.
6)
Tunisia (Previously #12)
Saber and Fakhreddine who? No need for those late scratches
when either Youssef Mskani and Wahbi Khazri can easily act as a “False Number
9”. Both natural midfielders performed admirably in what looked like a 4-3-3
set also featuring natural midfielder Ahmed Akaichi functioning as a sneaky
false forward.
Khalifa and Fakhreddine Ben Youssef weren’t exactly everyday
strikers either, leading one to conclude that Georges Leekens always plays it
close to the vest. He won’t trot out an obvious attacker like Amine Chermiti or
the intriguing young Hamza Younes unless he has to. Such a long con enables the
Eagles of Carthage to steal matches late just as they did against Zambia on
Thursday.
Nice hustle from Hocine Ragued and Jamel Saihi. Superb
set-piece service from Mohammed Ali Manser. Chickhaoui surely has his boys
soaring under his leadership after that Injury-Time-Winner. It takes great
poise and infectious confidence to make such a well-timed run and deliver a
perfect fish after 90 minutes of heavily combative draining football.
For these reasons, the Eagles may climb back up upon their
perch and re-take the status of group favorites. We’ll likely be setting lines
for them come Thursday.
7)
Guinea (Previously #7)
Another dynamite performance turned in by Borussia
Mönchengladbach’s Ibrahima Traore. I’m sold. This bookie expects to see Die
Fohlen in the Champions League next season. The way he twisted and turned past
his marker was nothing short of divine. What a heavenly finish to cap it all
off too!
How unfortunate that this side on rise is slated to take on
another climber (Les Aigles) on Wednesday. Africa fans can expect a classic,
albeit one in which one deserving side falls just short of the goal. The
inexperience of the squad shone through as Soumah and Pogba began to wilt down
the stretch.
It’s worth reiterating at this point that all bets really
should be declared off when it comes to Group D. That’s simply not the way we
operate here at the Syndicate. Bets can only be called off for Championship
matches. There remains little else to say….other than
Gentlemen, Enter your Wagers. ; ) ; )
8)
Cape Verde (Previously #13)
Redemption appears night for the likes of Kuca and Carlitos.
A goalless draw wasn’t exactly the result those of us on the fence about the
Creoles were hoping for, but one should take into account the fact that Nhuck
and Platini weren’t in the starting eleven. We saw some unexpected
contributions from Carlos Lima (sometimes referred to as Calú) and Admilson de
Barros (who also goes by the nickname Gegé.)
Stopira and Fernando Varela look to have the whole left side
of the pitch on lockdown. Babanco can still move, even if he had an off night
in terms of his distributive decisions.
The Portuguese know how to play to play football. A man like
Rui Aguas, who shone so brightly in long stints with Porto and Benfica, knows
how to manage an eleven too. Someone will step up for him. Mendes, Tavares, or
Nhuck will come through. Only he can tell us which one it will be.
Same template. Same results. Though we may not have
witnessed quite the same form from Tambourra, Yatabare and Keita Sako picked up
right where he left off. Literally. Cheeky little finish off the volley in the
8th minute.
Hard work from Salif Coulibally, Drissa Diakite, and Molla
Wague, all of whom did a magnificent job clearing their lines. Wague has now
surely earned himself more playing time at Udinese. Maiga once again deployed
as a late “Spark Substitution”, although in this case it looked to be more of
“ZeitGewinn Salvage”.
Polish manager Henryk Kasperczak’s overall strategy remains
easier to read than that of a scantily-clad barfly. Such a fact may yet prove
irrelevant in the wildly absurd Group D.
Back for his second stint with “Les Aigles”, the Pollack can
probably easily outwit his Guinean counterpart with a few surprise moves on
Wednesday.
We tentatively welcome Les Aigles into the
Quarterfinals.
10)
Cameroon (Previously #8)
When will they implode? Guihoata did his utmost to generate
some disaster for “Finke’s Fuck ups” with that clumsy tackle late on. Outright
blind refereeing robbed the Guineans of a penalty and a sure chance to snatch
up all three points. Lucky escape, lads.
Les Indomitables continue to suffer from a dearth of
leadership on the pitch. Where exactly are Schalke’s Chupo-Moting and Sevilla’s
Stephane Mbia? By all accounts, they should be hustling more touches. Salli and
Aboubakar step into the void left by the two captains. Perhaps they should be
donning the armbands.
A missed penalty. A flukish goal. One should never say never
with respect to Group D. Nevertheless, of the four teams locked at two points
apiece, the Lions look the weakest side.
11)
Equatorial Guinea (Previously #4)
Few of us really knew what to expect from the surprise
hosts. Your friendly bookie initially lauded the “advantageous 4-2-3-1”
split-sliced by Emilio Nsue and Ivan Bolado. Nsue of Middlesbrough had himself
a fine opening match. Fellow outfielders Kike and Iban stanchioned him like a
couple of granite pillars.
The “Tenacious Trio of Tyros”? The “Tender Triplicate of
Title-Contenders”?
Sorry, but we’re calling this one. No more miracles for the
Upset Specialists. As hard as they might have fought against the Stallions, the
Panthers will crush them en route to the Knockouts.
12)
Congo DR (Previously #5)
38-year old goalkeeper Robert Kidiaba now bears the full
onus of responsibility for the Leopards. With Bolassie ailing and captain
Yousse Mulumbu likely out for the duration of proceedings, it falls to the
still vigorous veteran to pick up the entire operation and carry it on his
broad shoulders. The Knockouts cannot be attained if he isn’t perfect between
the posts against the surging Tunisians.
Can it be done? Stranger things have already transpired in
this opening week of AFCON. As tempting as it may be to laud his supporting
cast, Mbokani’s dip in form and Makaidi’s continued presence on the bench
mitigate one’s enthusiasm. Mubele possesses all the talent, yet just doesn’t
appear ready to stand in either Mulumbu or Bolassie’s shoes.
Totally inexperienced coach Florent Ibenge presides over
slim options. Herve Kage and Neeskens Kabano have only six international caps
between them. Backup strikers Kabananga, Mabwati, and Bokila pool a paltry 23.
The heart roots for a sensational story while the head envisions them taxing on
the Kinshasa Runway come Tuesday morning.
Sad stuff. Off to morosely set their line.
13)
Zambia (Previously #6)
Emmanuel Mayuka and the historic “Quadruple Backflip”! Wow.
That gorgeous finish capped off a resplendent run-of-play
which also saw some nice moves from Singuluma, Mbola, and Mtonga, not to
mention Rainford Kalaba skillfully sweeping past three defenders he audaciously
elected to take on at once. Pretty much anyone would have felt like engaging in
some cartwheels following that electric jolt, but Mayuka’s excessive merriment
means that the “Quadruple Backflip” sadly gets bumped from the match’s ledger.
Instead, we find ourselves discussing:
Emmanuel Mayuka and the historic “Unnecessary Groin Injury”!
Yikes.
The Chipolopolos cannot afford to lose their lead striker
now, particularly not with the defensive ranks in such an uncertain state of
flux. Dissatisfied with the work of his back four in the opening match against
Congo DR, trainer Honor Janza switched Mbola from Right Back to Left Back,
moved Mtonga up into central midfield, and gave Munthali and Nkausu the nod in
central defense.
This didn’t work either. Both centerbacks were culpable in
the late goals the Zambians ceded to Tunisia. Sloppy tackling is one thing.
That can be rectified. Anguished and confused positioning is quite another.
That WILL be exploited.
We’re all set to bid farewell to our Copper Bullets. The Blue
Sharks should prevail as things settle down and Group B returns to
normalcy.
14)
South Africa (Previously #10)
Heart counts for a lot. Tokelo Rantie’s beastly performance
doesn’t go unnoticed. After making mincemeat out of the Algerian defensive line,
the Bournemoth striker turned in another A++ performance with his scintillating
set-up of no-name flanker Oupa Manyisa with that unbelievable square cross.
Phala and Matlaba rose to the occasion as well. Mashaba’s
version of Bafana even secured a much-needed point with an even LESS
experienced goalkeeper. Who the hemorrhaging fuck is Jackson Mabokgwane?
A final group stage match against the Black Stars should
just about wrap matters up. It was still a pleasure.
What a pleasure it was, Bafana ; ) ; )
15)
Cote d’Ivoire (Previously #15)
By their fingernails! It was never going to be easy without
Gervinho. Saint-Etienne’s Ismael Diomande and Montpelier’s Siaka Tiene were
dispatched to form a makeshift midfield. Seydou Doumbia moved up to take Soloman
Kalou’s spot up top. When this trio of fossilized Golden Oldies (somehow)
failed to work, Renard had to turn to Max Gradel already in the 39th.
Thank goodness he did. The former Leeds United striker
righted the otherwise sinking ship four minutes from time. Unbelievable heroics
this evening, gentlemen. What a breathtaking rescue. Yaya Toure with the
telegraphed pass. Serge Aurier with the elegant cut back. Max Gradel with the
THUNDERSTRIKE!
Les Elephants almost deserved to go down in flames. Once
again, with the exception of one moment of splendor, another stinker from
Wilfried Bony and the Toure brothers. They can’t seem to time their headers for
some unknown reason. Solomon Kalou himself, introduced as a late substitute,
looked a bit lost in a fly-adjusted formation.
None of this matters. The West African Powder Keg can
explode at any moment. Two draws in the patently absurd Group D means
absolutely nothing. Their lack of efficiency up to this point may lead to a low
ranking, but it’s rendered null-and-void in a group where only expediency
counts.
All one has to do is peak at the right time. What better
time than against the overachieving Indomitables?
16)
Burkina Faso (Previously #16)
ACH DU SCHEIßE!!
ACH DU SCHEIßE!!!!!
Willst du mich verarschen? MY horse comes in last. What kind
of nonsense do we have here? The Shadow Scholar picks a sterile horse? Have I
offended the Teutonic Gods? Have I wronged someone in some way that breaks
precedent with my usual douchebagery?
Enough of the insignificant beseeching. I’m still willing to
back these ponies. Kaboré, Bancé, Pitroipa, and Alain Traoré still look to be
on the level. They’re generating quality chances. It’s only a matter of time.
Your friendly bookie refuses to jettison his “Dark Horse”!
Bet against me if you dare.
And now the moment everyone’s been scrolling down for…Here
come the lines!
Sunday
Equatorial
Guinea vs. Gabon
vs. 
The clock strikes midnight for our once promising
Cinderellas. No doubt they have the potential, but I’m no longer sold.
Bookie disowns.
THE
LINE: Gabon +1 Goal
Burkina
Faso vs. Congo NDR
vs. 
It a’int over till it’s over. Damned if we’re giving up yet.
You have to believe. You MUST believe. To put it in Tug McGraw’s words, “You
GOTTA believe”. No one cares to give the Stallions a chance after their two
laconic group stage matches. I will.
Believe, Amadou.
BELIEVE!!
The Stallions from Upper Volta are the new “Amazin’ Mets”
THE
LINE: Burkina Faso +2 Goals
Initial
Group Projection (1/17/2015)
1)
Burkina Faso
2) Equatorial
Guinea
3) Gabon
4) Congo
NDR
Final
Group Projection (1/25/2015)
(3 to
1 Odds for Bookie)
1) Gabon
2)
Burkina Faso
3) Congo
NDR
4)
Equatorial Guinea
Monday
Cape
Verde vs. Zambia
vs. 
Mayuka’s absence is a tsunami. The day-to-day status of the injury
may cause the line to roll, but for now we’ll bet on Mendes and Heldon Ramos
overcoming a Kalaba strike with a goal apiece.
THE
LINE: Cape Verde +1 Goal
Congo
DR vs. Tunisia
vs. 
On the Warpath. On the March. The Eagles of Carthage will
prevail, though the line remains low.
THE
LINE: Tunisia +1 Goal
Initial
Group Projection (1/17/2015)
1)
Tunisia
2) Cape
Verde
3) Congo
DR
4)
Zambia
Final
Group Projection (1/25/2015)
(2 to
1 Odds for Bookie)
1)
Tunisia
2) Cape
Verde
3) Congo
DR
4)
Zambia
Tuesday
South
Africa vs. Ghana
vs. 
Mabokgwane or Keet? Furman or Phala? Parker or Manyisa?
All of it matters not.
The Black Stars will reclaim dominance here.
THE
LINE: Ghana +1 Goal
Senegal
vs. Algeria
vs. 
Two talented teams. Both will play for a draw. That’s why we
have simultaneous kick-offs in the third round, gentlemen. I know that it’s
annoying, but that’s why we have them!
One of these sides will strive for the late win. Neither
will succeed.
Bookie Picks a draw.
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Initial
Group Projection (1/17/2015)
1) Ghana
2)
Algeria
3) South
Africa
4)
Senegal
Final
Group Projection (1/25/2015)
(3 to
1 Odds for Bookie)
1) Ghana
2)
Senegal
3)
Algeria
4) South
Africa
Wednesday
Cameroon
vs. Cote d’Ivoire
vs. 
Surely they have to show up at some point. Les Elephants
have been hoarding their talent whilst the Lions have been hatching theirs. The
pretenders head home and things in the Footbaling Universe begin to make a
little more sense.
THE
LINE: Cote d’Ivoire +1 Goal
Guinea
vs. Mali
vs. 
Expect a classic brothers. For those of you furiously
scrolling down, we’ll go ahead and repeat that.
EXPECT A CLASSIC!
Les Aigles retain a slight edge. Chime in if you happen to
feel differently.
THE
LINE: Mali +1 Goal
Initial
Group Projection (1/17/2015)
1) Cote
d’Ivoire
2) Mali
3)
Cameroon
4)
Guinea
Final
Group Projection (1/25/2015)
3 to
1 Odds for Bookie
1) Cote
d’Ivoire
2) Mali
3)
Guinea
4)
Cameroon
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS.
