Your “Syndicate Hangover” is proudly presented by “Perrier”
Your friendly bookie remains more of a San Pellegrino man, but we’ll accord the hosts some respect for their second-rate club soda. Along with La Croix, it’s an acceptable option when the only other alternative happens to be Seltzer Water.
Day 31: Recap
Bookie’s Stats—
Spread: 50-71
Straight up: 69-36-16
Not the greatest football on display at the AFCON today. In terms of highlights, we had Rami Bedoui’s 94thminute own-goal and that those reliable shots of the morbidly obese Tunisian fan who always paint’s Hannibal’s elephants on his distended Buddha.
Hence, we’ll go ahead and award the day to the victorious team from last night’s match. Bookie had it on tape before he filed. Sorry to build those hopes up too high, stateside bettors.
Oops. Look, it was still a good day. There’s another CONCACAF continental Championship in two-years-time. Unfortunately, the Mexicans will be back then. The days of them missing this competition to play in the Copa America appear to be over. Does anyone know why that trophy is so fucking big? The CAN trophy is so modest and it covers an REAL continental confederation.
As noted in in the previous daily, we’re catching up on riffs tonight.
“Riffs of the Day”—Day Thirty/Thirty-One
Reader: Could have done without the “We believe” commercial immediately after.
Vicey: You preach to the choir, 116-M. Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where a carefully calibrated pre-recorded “cash in” immediately follows such an uplifting moment?
It’s as if you girlfriend, immediately after climax, decides it’s time to sell you some Tupperware ; (
Reader: How dare you suggest that Alex Morgan and Juile Ertz are about to settle down and have babies! My girls would never do that to me!
Vicey: I thought the same thing about Celia Okoyino da Mbabi and Fatmire Bajramaj. American fans needn’t look further than Sydney Leroux…though I always thought the USWNT was better without her.
Reader: Baha. The announcer just suggested Abby Dahlkemper and Becky Sauerbrunn just engaged in a little “Sandwich action”.
Vicey: …..I miss you guys already. Euro 2020 feels like its eons away.
Reader: That can’t possibly be the real Ali Krieger on the pitch.
Vicey: ….I miss her already too. Way to go out with a bang, my lovely “Warrior Princess”.
Reader: Sure seem to be a lot of head collisions on the pitch today.
Vicey: Sign of a hard fought physical match, 55-M. Really brave play from both Sauerbrunn and O’Hara. Wah. I miss them too!
Reader: Everyone’s on the Rose Lavelle bandwagon now.
Vicey: You read it here in the Syndicate first, 111-M. That’s the beauty of having a time-stamped blog. Your friendly bookie professes his love for that jewel already on the third of June, long before broadcasters and journalists decided she would be the story of the Summer. Everyone steals from Vice. EVERYONE!
Reader: How long before I get my four-star women’s jersey?
Vicey: We’ve got a bit of a problem there, 105-M. 128-M just looked into it and you actually can’t order the women’s jersey in a man’s size and neck-style. We found one male version of a Rapinoe jersey, but it doesn’t have any stars on it. We’ll work it out eventually, but for the time being you’ll just have to accept that American men don’t get to wear the stars.
Reader: Holland gets its dyke fingerbanged by our dyke.
Vicey: The syndicate does not shy away from that word. Whiny little snowflakes wish to label that term “homophobic” and “inappropriate”. That’s because whiny snowflakes know absolutely nothing beyond the fact that it appears their solemn duty to self-righteously ensure that everyone should feel victimized.
Proud lesbians willingly appropriated that term long ago, actively using it for their marches and rallies. Every heard of Germany’s “Dykes on Bikes” or the literal thousands of “Dyke Marching Clubs” across the world? Of course you haven’t. That would require reading, and that would cut into your “Twitter Outrage Time”.
Reader: This doesn’t feel like home game for the U.S. Soldier field is packed with 60,000 Mexicans.
Vicey: Syndicate Member 33-M brings up a point worthy of some discussion. The bookie himself counted maybe twelve American fans in a completely packed stadium. I couldn’t understand a word of what Kate Abdo and the post-game crew were saying as there were hundreds of chanting Mexican fans situated behind the desk.
This is by no means a new phenomenon when it comes to U.S. Soccer matches. Even in their home country, they are never the home team. It’s about time we fully acknowledged that President “Charlatan Micro-Dick” promises to build a wall to stave off an invasion that’s already happened.
No one lives in reality anymore. I give up.
Reader: Those vibrantly vocal Mexican fans better be careful. ICE is going to show up at some point.
Vicey: Bwahahahahahaha….and ZING, 128-M.
Reader: How can Yannick Bolasie, Cedric Bakumbu, Chancel Imbemba, Youssouf Mulumbu, Yannick Bolasie, and Marcel Tisserand all play so shitty at the same time?
Vicey: Probably because they knew I cleverly flipped the Line on you, 45-M.
Reader: One Adama Traoré consoles the other.
Vicey: Thank you 72, and 77-M. You tag-teamed consoled your friendly bookie. The mater is now closed.
Reader: The Tunisians score and for some reason the Ghanaians are still dancing.
Vicey: They don’t stop dancing, 150-M. The came to dance. They’ll keep dancing even if they lose 0-4.
Reader: Who’s the girl working the Copa America closing ceremony? She needs to Sura del Bunda me.
Vicey: Her name is Anitta. She’s a Brazilian popstar….and there’s no way those are real.
She may not have been kind enough to provide you with a “wardrobe malfunction” during Sunday's performance, but she does “pop-in” here to bid you a racy-lacey adieu until the next Round of Lines ; )
