Introduction—“Tight Tactics, Low Scorelines, and Brazil”
(Brazil, Switzerland, Serbia, Costa Rica)
Loads of defensive-minded teams in this group means you can
be forgiven for skipping matches not involving the Brazilian Juggernaut.
Neymar
& Co. should steamroll over the over-priced and over-promoted Ticos on June
22nd. Clear your schedule for that one if possible. Complete
pulverization of the group’s other two competing countries remains possible
too. Yes…they’re that good this time.
Otherwise I’ll augur that we’ll get a few stinkers here. It’s
bound to happen. Dusting off the “Football Apologist’s Handbook” and staying at
the ready. The Serbs look set to utilize one of the weirdest ultra-compact
4-5-1s I’ve ever seen. It’s a bloody Slavic Stranglehold. The Swiss often keep
it tight too and have every reason to withhold most of their energy for a tough
bout in the elimination rounds. As hinted above, just don’t see Costa Rica
replicating their improbable breach from 2014. A few minor upgrades won’t be
enough here.
Devoted Krautness forced your friendly bookie to employ
laser-like focus on the tactical trends of these teams. I’m previewing Germany’s
Round of 16 Opponent, after all. ;)
I actually fear the Swiss the most. How ironic. Will the
bookie’s “Classic Classless” ravings come back to haunt him? We’ll find out on July
3rd. The Serbs, who actually upset my beloved Nationalmannschaft
during 2010’s Group Stage, scare only slightly. I reiterate that the Ticos are
going to get blown out of the water. Proudly don your “Pura Vida” shirt out to
the bar, but don’t wager on them.
As always I reserve the right to be dead wrong about
everything, proudly admitting if any members collect on me. I’ll set the
over/under on total goals scored in this group at 14; a tantalizing special.
Syndicate Member 56-M loves his early Prop Bets. You’re welcome, sir. ; )
Great news for Brazilian fans. You’ve assembled your best
team since 2002. The long national nightmare is over. The road to redemption
will be swift and satisfying, I do believe we can officially bid farewell to the infamous “Bawling
Brazilian Boys”. Goodbye forever, kiddos. Oh child, things are gonna get easier.
Oh child, things will be brighter
Awww……it’s okay kiddies. No more “Teuton Bombs” for you ; )
Brazil—“A Selecao”
Restocked, reloaded and ready, it’s fair to consider the
Samba Kings favorites to finally claim their sixth star. The great joy of
welcoming this country back into the fold each Summer is that one always
invariably gets to meet an entirely new team. Always a treat. That’s what
happens when a country’s talent pool runs deeper than the soulful grooves of
Wilson Simonal. Oh yeah. They sure as shit better have been rebuilt after that
2014 trip to Onkel Jürgen’s Woodshed. Since then they’ve been coping with the
disastrous consequences of the second “Dunga Era”. Not quite sure what the CBF
was thinking there, but a horrendous start to qualifying and a Group Stage exit
from the 2016 Copa America Centenario proved enough to get rid of a manager no
one really believed in from the start.
Names you won’t hear called anymore include Oscar, Hulk,
Dani Alvez, Bernard, Jo, Maicon, Luiz Gustavo, Dante, Maxwell, and Henrique.
The merciful Lord has also chosen to spare us amateur priest David Luiz after
his on-pitch benediction minutes prior to the German dismantling fell upon deaf
ears. Sorry, David. Prayer doesn’t work that way, or indeed in any way. Germans
have a way of reminding you of that.
Willian, Thiago Silva, Fernandinho, and (shockingly) Marcelo
return. That’s about it. You might recognize the name “Fred”, but this happens
to be a different “Fred”. Don’t go confusing “Old Fred” (Frederico Chaves
Guedo) with “New Fred” (Frederico Rodrigues de Paulos Santos). Thankfully “MLS
Fred” (Helbert Frederico Carreiro da Silva) won’t be called up to the National
Side ever and ManU’s “Fred the Red” won’t be making the trip.
Dammit. Now I have E-Rotic’s “Fred Come to Bed” stuck in my
head. Best to purge that quickly with unmentionable activities
Moving on, brining in experienced manager Tite immediately
produced results. He immediately relieved Neymar of the burdensome captaincy
and started rotating the armband. He got in-form players like Phillipe
Coutinho, Roberto Firminho, and Paulinho back on the squad. He rebuilt the back
four around stalwarts like Danilo, Fillipe Luis, and Miranda. Since taking
charge, the Brazilians have gone on a nearly two-year unbeaten run on the
bounce. They’ve even reclaimed the top FIFA and the World Football Elo rankings
throughout most of it. (Occasionally they trade places with the Germans if it
matters)
The attack looks good and scary. A plethora of expertise
means we’ll witness some rotation Gabriel Jesus and Roberto Firmino are coming
off Rockstar Club Campaigns for Man City and Liverpool. Neymar himself just
racked up another 28 tallies for PSG in an injury-shortened season. Bayern man Douglas
Costa hasn’t the greatest statistical year on loan to Juventus, but he’ll make
his presence known amongst these hombres.
No need for Willian, Fernandinho, or Renato Augusto in
midfield. Barça teammates Coutinho and Paulinho can prowl the edge of the box
just fine. Should opportunities be found wanting, the above-mentioned tenacious
trio threatens to come off a deep bench. Marcelo isn’t a natural right back,
but Danilo or Fagner can step in for him if need be.
They’ll top the group easily. They’ll contend for the title.
They still fall just short of being this bookie’s surprise pick to win it all.
You’ll meet them in a subsequent post.
Projecting the Brazilian Lineup (4-4-2)
Neymar
Gabriel Jesus
|
Roberto Firminho Douglas Costa
|
P. Coutinho Paulinho
|
Fillipe Luis Marcelo
|
Thiago Silva Miranda
|
Alisson
|
The Talisman—Neymar Jr. “A Syndicate Classic—Find your Magic”
Editor’s
Retroactive Notes:
I
remain adamant that everyone get out and enjoy this tournament. Yes, Stateside
Syndicate Members. That’s why I’ve been phoning you up and tenaciously
insisting. Europeans need no reminder, even when their team isn’t in the tournament.
Don’t miss out! The game’s always on somewhere. It’s such a wonderful chance to
witness history alongside some genuinely interesting people.
Everyone
turns out for the Beautiful Global Game. They all come out. A magical
mid-Summer’s Eves await you. Demonstrate some basic football literacy and
you’re in on the conversation. Celebrate together with the color-clad fans and
you’ll likely make some new friends. Maybe you’ll even get a chance to dance
with a pretty girl. You only live once people, and when you’re dead you’re done
forever. No magical “Land of Milk and Honey” awaits you after you expire. If
it’s milk and honey you’re after, it must be found on this earth, in this life,
preferably in THIS moment.
Might
be the case that we won’t behold another spectacular Summer Football Festival
for EIGHT full years. The 2022 World Cup in Qatar will take place in Winter. Ugh.
For those of us still alive in 2026, the tournament and football in general may
be unrecognizable. Look how much it’s evolved over the past 88 years.
Catch
the WM Fever. You’ll never know when and if you’ll get another chance.
Er…apologies
but the phot of the old man doing the tango wasn’t of high enough quality for a
re-post. We’ll throw in the intro from
Group H just to compensate ; )
From
WM 2014—Day Six Recap:
Viva
la Südstadt Syndicate Members,
My
sincere thanks to all the lovely Brazilian ladies of a rockin’ little ethnic bar
ironically named “Valhalla”! What a fantastically turbocharged evening! We may
not have got any goals but we sang, we danced, we cheered, and then we danced
some more. This is what it’s all about Syndicate Members. It’s written the
following emphasis no fewer than 237 times all throughout the 12-year-history
of the Syndicate, but let’s go for 240:
HANG
OUT WITH AS MANY INTERNATIONALS AS YOU CAN!
HANG
OUT WITH AS MANY INTERNATIONALS AS YOU CAN!
HANG
OUT WITH AS MANY INTERNATIONALS AS YOU CAN!
We’re
just getting started. Go find a Spanish bar tonight and cheer along with the La
Roja enthusiasts. Grab a pretty girl and give her a twirl on the dance floor.
Sing “Ole Ole” until you lose your voice. It’s the World Cup, gentlemen. It’s
Summer. It’s MAGIC.
Your
friendly bookie initially sat in a corner scribbling in his notebook as usual.
That didn’t last long. As it turns out, Brazilian women are even more direct
than Spanish ones. A striking beauty soon sauntered over and literally grabbed
him by the hand.
“Hey
there handsome. How about you put down the notebook and come dance with me?”
How
could I refuse? A tip to all of the zero women reading this: That line….ALWAYS
WORKS. YOU CANNOT LOSE. See something you like? TAKE IT. It’s yours. His stare
was holding. Ripped jeans. Skin was showing. Hot night. Wind was blowing. WHERE
YOU THINK YOU’RE GOIN’ BABY?
Employ
the “Carly Rae Jepsen Maneuver”. It’s not crazy. You’re crazy if you don’t try
it at least once. I assure you that your chances of success are 100 percent.
Never in the history of the human race has that line not worked. Sometime in
the early Holocene Epoch Ooga this Cavegirl found Grog the Hunter concentrating
entirely too hard on his cave paintings. She walked over to him, struck him on
the head with a club, and said,
“You
stop working. Me have breasts.”
It’s
worked ever since.
Vicey
gets it……DEAD WRONG?
Yeah…..it’s about time
we officially retire this segment. There simply isn’t enough time. There are so
many things more worthy of my attention (kids, girls, beers). If anyone’s
interested in knowing how often I get it wrong….it’s damn often. Just like
anyone else. We humans get shit dead wrong every…fucking…day.
Someone who got it
right last night was my 63-year-old father. The man is far from finished. Your
friendly bookie wasn’t the only one dancing the night away yesterday eve. Check
out the Old Man doing the Tango!!
From
WM 2014—Group H Preview:
We
find ourselves less than 96 hours from kickoff, less than 72 hours from
uttering the sacred phrase, and less than 48 hours away from full activation of
syndicate communication channels with your friendly bookie. Not to mention,
IT’S SUMMER PEOPLE! Take a stroll outside. The temperature rises and the girls
aren’t even attempting to cover up.
Even
those with zero interest in football can certainly appreciate warm weather,
outdoor seating, and scantily clad chicas. Girls in their summer clothes pass
you by….
GIRLS
IN THEIR SUMMER CLOTHES!!
….Everyone
needs to go out and get laid tonight. EVERYONE! That’s an order, gentlemen!! ;
)
We
fittingly close the preview sections with the tournament’s unprecedented THIRD
group of life. The Belgians have long been the consensus pick for the
tournament’s Cinderella. The Algerians and Russians are nevertheless strong
contenders. The South Koreans have reached their nadir in terms of FIFA’s
international rankings. That doesn’t mean this bookkeeper has any intention of
discounting them.
Let’s
roll. After all, we all have to go out and get laid tonight, don’t we?
Switzerland—“Die Schweizer Nati”
Bosnian Maestro Vladimir Petkovic continues to build bold
squads. As in 2016, he’s shown no hesitation in pitching otherwise experienced
players currently in weak form. This year’s casualty is former Leverkusen
striker Ahmed Mehdi, who didn’t even survive the initial round of cuts. Timm
Klose, Fabian Frei, and Eren Derdiyok also got jettisoned early on. Petkovic
has three more players to axe by midnight tonight. It’s possible he’s even
already cut Djourou, Drmic, or Embolo. We’ll find out tomorrow.
So many puerile rants have been written about the Swiss in this
Sportsbook over the years. Much of it stems from their tendency to take up
valuable place in these tournaments when we all know that they’ve no hope of
making it past the Round of 16. It’s intolerably cruel how they throw a more
interesting team out of the mix simply to serve as predictably boring cannon
fodder for a larger program. Don’t consider this some cheap excuse not to exert
too much energy on them.
It’s true and it suuuucks. It happens EVERY damned time.
In 1994 they edged the Americans out of their group…..just
so the Spanish could immediately de-pants them 3-nil. In 2006 they eliminated
the South Koreans thanks to disgraceful officiating…only to give us a woefully
wretched nil-nil fixture against the Ukrainians which even featured a
sleep-inducing shootout. Ecuador or Honduras could have furnished some
entertaining football against the Argentines in 2014. But, no. Of course not.
We had to make room for the Swiss and 120 minutes of forgettable frustration. Even
the Poland match in Euro 2016 felt like it was 119 minutes too long after the
Shaqiri Goal. The Albanians or Romanians could have surely done better.
It’s all set up for the same result here, though your
friendly bookie will need to curl up in a fetal position and sob solemnly for a
solid thirty minutes if they buck the trend and beat the Germans. I’ll spend
what space I have left on this section preparing for that possibility.
This year’s Nati feature a fine assemblage of forwards;
enough to induce some slight tremors. I’ll project that they’ll opt for the
same 4-2-3-1 that we’ve seen in previous tournaments and the friendlies. Xhaka or
Drmic can used about anywhere. Either Seferovic or Zakaria would work up front.
For now, I’ll place the Benfica man on the apex and move Xhaka down to the
base. That appears the most effective way of making use of the former’s current
finishing ability and the latter’s sniper skills.
Shaqiri’s counterpart on the right makes a huge difference.
Lichtsteiner can’t support the right flank in the same way Rodriguez will,
creating a huge balance deficit. Behrami and Gelson Fernandez have not worked
well in that capacity and Drmic would look all out of sorts. I’ll go out on a
limb and say that Breel Embolo’s time has arrived. He’s struggled with injury
since joining Schalke, but made a fine comeback this year. Love his composed
dribbling. Zakaria fits well there too. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see
either one of the African-born youngsters make a quantum leap this tournament.
Piece it all together and you’ve got a quality national
eleven, one that could absolutely make the Quarterfinals. I’m also very
impressed with the development of Gladbach’s centerback Nico Elvedi. I think he’s
likely beat out the flailing veteran Jonathan Djourou for the starting nod.
Fully expect to learn tomorrow that Djourou will be the last
piece of dead weight cut. ; )
Projecting the Nati Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Harris Seferovic
|
Xerdhan Shaqiri Breel Embolo
|
Granit Xhaka
|
Blerim Dzemalli Valon Behrami
|
R. Rodriguez N. Elvedi
F. Schär S. Lichtsteiner
|
Yann Sommer
|
The Talisman—Xerdhan Shaqiri 
I know, I know. Not exactly a stellar season for a relegated
side. Looking back, it would have much behooved him to continue his career over
at Bayern. Following his sparkling performance in the 2014 campaign, it looked
like he could succeed just about anywhere. Alas, the Premiership has a way of
humbling even the most magical of dwarfs. He’s still the one set to make or
break this team. The diminutive Kosovar still has plenty of magic left in him,
and he’s looking for a new club too.
Don’t forget that goal against Everton, or Euro 2016’s “Goal
of the Tournament”. ; )
“A Syndicate Classic—Ottmar Hitzfeld
meets Shakira”
Editor’s
Retroactive Notes:
The
oddest pairing since “Napalm and Silly Putty”. Sorry to perversely infect
anyone’s mind with a sexual visualization. Unintentional I assure you. Somehow
these two keep popping up in the Syndicate.
For
the uninitiated, old man Hitzfeld was given a fine sendoff in the last WM. We
all wish the one of the great German “Football Generals” a pleasant retirement.
Watching what he was able to achieve tactically with the Swiss was delightful.
Our World Cup Queen be doing both the opening and closing ceremonies. She’s
also still doing “Gerard Pique”, so we can expect plenty of candid shots or her
in the stands.
Shakira
returns…again…with yet ANOTHER WM Song. She’s now officially the official
“Global Soccer Songstress”. Christ we can’t get rid of her. After the
ridiculous success of 2010’s “Waka, Waka”, the Brazilian tournament adopted
“La-la-la” readily. We’ll have to wait for the new one. Online rumors and
hoaxes abound.
Anyways,
here’s some random ramblings on both of them.
From
WM 2014—Group E Preview
What
does one make of group in which the Swiss are the highest ranked country? One
makes another “Group of Life”, of course. Seriously, the Swiss? The “Goat
Herders”? The “Alpine Assholes”? THE SWISS? No way. Your friendly bookie isn’t
having any of it. Someone sound our time-honored alarm:
We
go BLAH!
(alpine
horn)
We
go BLAH!
German
General Ottmar Hitzfeld has assembled a team every bit as boring as a trip to
the Gruyelles Cheese-Processing Factory. Like the great Swiss medical student
Victor Frankenstein, he’s once again stitched together a patchwork of human
refuse to create a hulking, slow moving, hideously ugly monster that clumsily
destroys everything it its path.
Okay
that last part isn’t entirely accurate. I think Frankenstein was a biologist.
The
Swiss aren’t exactly welcoming of immigrants except as pertains to their
football team. Strikers Drmic, Seferovic, and Gavronovic are all of Bosnian
descent. Captain Gökhan Inker is a Turk. Midfield stars Granit Xhaka, Blerim
Dzemali, and Xerdhan Shaqiri are all Albanians. Three Africans and a Spaniard
are also among “Hitzfeld’s Heroes”.
The
Swiss out-diversify the Germans in this tournament. As we shall see in a few days’
time, the immigrant character of Die Mannschaft sadly fades away. ; (: ( The
Swiss coasted through qualifying mostly thanks to goals from Xhaka, Inler, and
Shaqiri, though homegrown boys Fabian Schär and Tranquilo Barnetta pitched in
too. Barnetta and Gelson Fernandez are the most notable holdover from the 2010
side that couldn’t get out of the group after drawing with Honduras. Both
appear to have lost their starting spots/ Von Bergen, Senderos, Benaglio,
Inler, and even Drmic were on that side, but none started regularly or featured
prominently.
Many
recognizable Swiss names are either retired or no longer in Hitzfeld’s line of
sight. Midfield mainstay Benjamin Huggel announced his retirement on the day
the Swiss were eliminated in South Africa. So did defender Lugovich Magnin
Former team captain and all-time leading scorer Alexander Frei withdrew from
international competition after being regularly heckled by Swiss fans in 2011.
Talismanic veteran Hakin Yakin hung up his cleats shortly thereafter. Defender
Stephane Grichting followed suit. Fullback Mario Eggiman fell out of Hitzfeld’s
favor. Ditto attackers Pirim Schwegler, Eren Derdiyok, and Albert Bunjaku.
The
German legend thus trots out a starting eleven comprised of ten outfielders,
none of whom have scored a goal in meaningful international competition. The
aforementioned Gelson Fernandez (Cape Verdian by birth) tallied in
Switzerland’s stunning scalp of Spain in 2010, but it appears he’s lost his job
to Herta left-winger Valentin Stocker for now. Bullied by the press, this new
generation of Swiss footballs insist they’re ready for the big time. We shall
see.
From
WM 2014—Day Four Recap
I
may be running on less than two hours of sleep, but the football fever of my
beloved country helps me hold my own. Had to hit the road this morning and head
out to the country. Luckily (in between Shakira songs) German Radio reminded me
that “Jetzt geht’s endlich los”! An entire country prepares for one helluva
party.
By
the way, I have two distinct thoughts on the Shakira songs blared out at me by
my car radio this morning. First, on “Wherever, Whenever” she actually sings
the line “lucky for my breasts they’re small and humble so you don’t confuse
them with mountains.” ……What? Excuse me? You can’t fucking be serious.
Secondly,
someone was seriously running out of ideas when composing the “Don’t Bother”
ballad. It’s a standard little ditty about a scorned woman lamenting her old
flame’s new lover. The shunned girl reminds the man that his new girl can’t
give him what she can. There’s invariably a line about how she gives better
head or something. Eventually the girl summons her inner-strength and makes
peace with her current situation. Blah, blah, blah. Pretty much every female
vocalist is contractually obligated to sing one of these songs at some point.
The
Shakira version, however, gets downright weird. Her home wrecking bitch is “the
greatest fat free cook”, “speaks perfect French”, and “practices Tai-Chi”.
That’s one seriously worldly home wrecker! When it comes time for her to break
down and directly address her ex-man via a spoken-word interlude, Shakira tells
him,
“For
you I’d give up everything I own and move to a communist country
I’d file my nails so they don’t hurt you, lose
those pounds, and learn about football”
Baby….I
don’t think you’re quite getting what men are interested in. I don’t need you
to cook me fat-free meals (though I wouldn’t mind a sandwich!). You don’t need
to relocate to North Korea or memorize tactical formations. Let your nails grow
and carry some extra pounds if it suits you. I merely want what every man
needs: Some occasional peace and quiet. It’s really that simple, ladies. Just
leave your man alone sometimes. He’ll be content.
Enough
of that. We’ll hear plenty more about Shakira when Gerald Pique touches the
ball again. That’s how we get the old brain into first gear on a sleep deprived
Monday Morning….and we did it all before the kids woke up! On to last night’s
matches….
Serious
oscillations with respect to your bookies personal finances. The wretched Swiss
took a sizeable bite out of my black. Never came close to dipping into the red
but it was still profoundly irritating. The slow-starting Froggies and dogged B
& H Lillies brought it all back. Asante sana, my two blue-clad heroes.
Oh
those damn Swiss! Hitzfeld’s plan worked out after all. The old wayfarer still
has some spunk left, even if he’s turning into a “squintier” old fart than
Clint Eastwood. Seriously. The man’s eyes appear to be retreating into the back
of his skull like a couple of spooked French cockroaches. He’s turning
Japanese!
Anyway,
all was going according to plan right up through the first half. Rueda rolled
out the 4-4-2 with Caicedo as the target forward and E. Valencia as the rover.
Lichtsteiner and von Bergen were defending sloppily. Drmic couldn’t get
established. The Valencia goal arrived courtesy of some abhorrently bad marking
from HSV centerback Johan Djourou. I’ve no clue why Schär didn’t start. It’s
one thing to bench Senderos, but why employ a converted midfielder?
Ottmar’s
halftime adjustment was spot on. Mehmedi for Stocker. Perfect. The Freiburg man
had the equalizer within two minutes. The second substitution yielded the
second goal. Seferovic for Drmic in the 75th. Ingenious.
Serbia—“The White Eagles”
A lame name may very well supply us with some lame game. The
loads of offensive talent on this side never seems to play the vim and vigor
their club form would suggest. Mighty confusing if one asks this bookie. The Balkan
Boys and their National Football Association actually appear confused with
respect to a wide-range of matters; from the most docile presentation of a
name/crest to the curious moves they’ve been making management-wise. The
sacking of highly experienced veteran coach Slavoljub Muslin after a celebrated
qualifying campaign made little sense. The controversial former Red Star
Belgrade player and trainer does have a reputation of being something of an
irascible control freak, but it was till an unexpected and potentially damaging
midstream move.
None of this may fundamentally matter as Mladen Krstajic, a
name familiar to fans of Schalke and Werder, may prove the right fit for this
team after all. He knows full well how to eke out narrow victories, something
this team is expected to do. Nemanja Matic and Alexsandr Kolorov are sterling
defensive midfielders who can also play centerback. Insofar as I can make out,
their primary purpose will be to choke out most any overlaps opposing offenses
can hope to muster.
The Serbian assault (pardon any unfortunate historical
connotations) shouldn’t be taken lightly. Even if these Eagles aren’t expected
to rely on attractive football, they’ve got plenty of players who can catch
fire at any moment. Budding young Premiership star Alexsandr Mitrovic has been
on everyone’s radar for some time. Slow to take off since signing on for
Newcastle, Rafa engineered a loan spell for him over at Fulham this year. He
immediately lit it up for the newly-promoted Londoners, making him probably the
hottest commodity on this Summer’s Transfer Market. A great tournament here
will net him additional millions. I don’t see him returning to St. James.
Mitrovic can even be used as a faux-number-nine. Kostic and
Tadic, skilled Stürmers in their own right, will start behind him. Rounding out
the attack we have another amazing raw talent angling for a fat new contract.
In some years-time Lazio Rom’s Sergej Milinkovic-Savic may come to be known as
one of the game’s great midfield conductors. He shows a great flair for making
things happen, especially on the counter. Great intuition for where his
teammates are and an impeccable ability to place the ball right on their toes.
Of course he might be hamstrung by the fact that the Serbs
exhibit a dearth of quality on the flanks. They’re also vulnerable down the
left. I foresee Krstajic coaxing virtually the entire team inward as the lineup
below reflects. Should this deft precautionary measure see them out of the
group, they’ll be well poised to give the Germans a good scare in the Round of
16.
Yes….I’m officially getting nervous.
Projecting the Serbian Lineup (4-5-1)
Alexsandr Mitrovic
|
Filip Kostic Dusan
Tadic
|
Sergej Milinkovic-Savic
|
Nemnja Matic Alexsandr Kolorov
|
D. Tosic B. Ivanovich U. Spajic A. Rukavina
|
Vladamir
Stojkovic
|
The Talisman—Sergej Milinkovic-Savic
Watch out!
“A Syndicate
Classic—Ontological Football”
Editor’s
Retroactive Notes
Can’t
deny my fascination with the break-up of the former Yugoslavia. Back in the
Shadow Scholar years, I accepted every paper having even a tangential
relationship to it. Wonderful stuff to write about. Post-Communist
State-Crafting situated directly in the middle of juxtaposed giants: EU/NATO expansion and a belligerent, resurgent
Russia. Welcome to the trenches!
Not
nearly enough time to discuss it here in great depth. Some excerpts track how it played out
football-wise. Retroactive notes added in 2012.
From
WM 2006—“The Curse of the Syndicate”
Serbia and
Montenegro
Fellow international
news junkies will pose a germane question here. Didn’t Montenegro literally
JUST declare independence the day before yesterday? You are correct my info
cannibalizing minions. The cleaving of the former Yugoslavia continues. The
Kosovars are next. Following the results of the May plebiscite the separation
is complete. In five weeks this team will be dissolved. Knowing full well that
no one wishes to hear me blabber on about how fascinating I find the
developments in the Balkans, I’ll do my level best to stick to the subject at
hand….for once in my life.
In football terms the
split means little. Schalke’s Mladin Krstajic is the only Montenegrin on the
team and he’s surely the lone athlete tired of receiving menacing glares from
the captain Milosevic. Yes you read that accurately. The Serbian team is
captained by an “S. Milosevic”. I haven’t witnessed such an unfortunate
coincidence since Adolf Stalin dove for the East German Olympic Team. Savo
Milosevic led “S & M” to an astounding thrashing of Spain in the
qualifiers. Together with Athletico’s Mateja Kezman, the two strikers propelled
the soon to be defunct “country” to the top of the group. Other red-hot
commodities on the “S & M” Side include Man U’s Nemanja Vidic and Inter’s
Dejan Stankovic. Somehow “Stankoivic” and “S & M” leave me feeling a mite
past the “dirty-guilty” line.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
My
complex infatuation with Balkan events only worsened as Kosovo declared
independence in the Spring of 2008. Buoyed by this watershed moment in
contemporary conflict resolution, I spent an intense two weeks formulating
research directives for my Graduate School application essay. After finally
perfecting the piece and sending it out, the acceptance letter came back in a
matter of hours. I was forced to contend with the reality that no one on the
admissions committee ended up reading the damn thing. I imagine the acceptance
process went something like this.
“Are
his grades decent? Cool. Let’s get that money. Money, money, money, money,
money….MONEY!! Yeah, we pimpin. We got that fire. Been gettin’ that money. We
fixin’ to get paid! You know dat’s true. So much MONEY”
The
Shadow Scholar has worked with over 60 nervous students fretting over their
application essays.
After
they’ve calmed down, they’re capable of producing some of their finest work.
Relax, everyone. They just want your money. Time does not permit them to give a
pebble-sized shit about anything else.
From
WMQ 2009—“Syndicate Afterlife”
Serbia
There
is some debate whether or not they plan to show up. Evidently, they haven’t
been given enough “time to prepare”. The lousy Karadzic joke aside, I hope this
is the beginning of great things for Serbia. On the Euro-political stage, they
appear to making all the right moves. Mark my words; it will not be long until
they recognize Kosovo's independence. They threw those bastard radicals out in
the 2008 election! One can tell they crave EU Membership. Everyone’s favorite
holistic healer (Karadzic) has been delivered. He will die in The Hague just
like Milosevic did! The only thing the Serbs have left to prove, insofar as I’m
concerned, is that they can find Mladic and hand him over. That’s it. Well, I
will subject you to my time honored tradition of making fun of countries in
which every football player has the same last name suffix.
I
present to you…..
“Peter’s
got the ‘itch’”
Antiç,
Dukiç, Stojkoviç, Subtociç
Stankoviç,
Ivanoviç, Petroviç, Lukoviç
Tomoviç,
Vukoviç, Ninkoviç, Dragutinoviç
Cvetkoviç,
Cvetkoviç, Cvetkoviç!!!!!!
Ahhh.
That is so immensely satisfying. I need to start a book of “Football Suffix
Haikus”. Welcome to the Party Serbians. “No one will beat these people again!”
(Actually you will be beaten; crushed before the group stages are over. Sorry!)
From
WM 2010—Round Four (Part III)
The
“White Eagles” of Serbia (3 games played, 11 Hot Girls)
Quite
the drama as we awaited the final whistle today. The Serbs, much like Lara
Baldesarra, ultimately put up a coquette façade. Sorry about the two French
words in a row L I have been gifted an opportunity to
gloat over the Serbs undeserved victory! Fuck you, you primitive Balkan fucks! Advancement
belongs to countries that decided to consolidate BEFORE the invention of the
telephone! Right. Now that I have that out of my system, I’ll congratulate the
Serbs on jettisoning Montenegro and surprising us all with some fairly decent
football. Come on over to the EU whenever you’re ready. Meanwhile, do enjoy
your special moment, produced at my expense:
From
WMQ 2013—Das Fröhliche Syndikat
Serbia vs. Croatia
vs. 
ARE YOU FUCKING
KIDDING ME? Might as well organize a “Sunni vs. Shi’ite” match. Have a real bad
feeling about this one. ; ( It’s scheduled to take place in Belgrade…with a
German referee. I’ll reiterate my long held belief that Croat fans are nothing
more than a bunch of worthless hooligans:
As for the Serbs…..they got Mladic! They did it. They won’t qualify for Brazil, but they’ll earn a moral
victory against the Croat reserves.
Costa Rica—“Los Ticos”
Two victories against the United States in qualifying would
count as a hopeful sign in any year but this one. A fair amount of buzz
surrounds last tournament’s Cinderella. With seven players now enjoying
verifiable success at top flight European clubs, many bettors seem to feel as
increased confidence and a proven system will lead to another overachieving
run. This romantic bookie would personally love to see it happen, even if it
meant a few a stinging punches to the pocketbook. It doesn’t look like we’ll
see these underdogs progress very far, however. They’re not well matched
against the competition in this group. Hope evaporates. The well reservoir runs
dry.
Grounds for pessimism begin with the ill-suited tentative
strategic nature they’ll be coerced into. A 5-2-3 with Campbell and Ruiz up top
yields the best results for Ramirez & Co. It won’t work here. The absolute
last thing Ramirez can afford is to spread Bolanos and Borges too thinly. No
way that twilight couple can hope to cover enough ground at their age. Though
he’s yet young, Campbell turned out to be a total dud at Arsenal. Ruiz’s
improbable late-career resurrection notwithstanding, he still hasn’t fully
regained the creative touch he displayed prior to his foot injury.
Creative forward thrust in central midfield, or lack
thereof, will make all the difference. Unable to seize control on their own,
Campbell and Ruiz will have to wait to get “sprung” by the likes of Tejeda and
Borges. One sees them getting bogged down in the many crowded midfield battles
that will take place in this group. Jorge Luis Pinto kept his opponents
guessing in 2014 by constantly flipping these two to open up the lateral game. They
can switch fields all they like this time. It still won’t open up enough space
against the formations they face. Gears will grind to a halt here.
If there’s one X-Factor capable of disproving my assessment,
it’s the left-defensive duo of Michael Oviedo and Oscar Duarte. These fresh
faces take over for respectively retired Junior Diaz and Michael Umana. By drawing
coverage and engineering some spontaneity, the Serbs could ostensibly come
undone in the opening match. An electrifying start to the competition can build
enough confidence for the team to steal a point from the Brazilians and/or Swiss.
Los Ticos require but one win and one draw to escape the group. That’s not out
of the question at all.
Nothing wrong with daring to dream. Dreams were actualized
in 1990 and 2014. What a spectacular story another run would make.
Eh. Don’t bite. Los Ticos better know the way to San Jose
because they’re headed back there come June 28th.
Projecting the Tico Lineup (5-4-1)
Joel
Campbell
|
Christian Bolanos Bryan Ruiz
|
Celso Borges Yeltsin Tejeda
|
Bryan Oviedo Christian Gamboa
|
O. Duarte G. Rodriguez J.
Acosta
|
Keylor Navas
|
The Talisman—Keylor Navas
He’ll need to stand even taller here if the La Muerte are to
inflict any pain of their own.
“A Syndicate Classic—Set the World
Ablaze”
Editor’s
Retroactive Notes:
Is
there any other choice? Actually yes. Wanchope’s two brilliant scintillating
strikes in the 2006 WM Opener come to mind. I’ll never forget those pulsars; a
wonderful introduction to football for casual observers all around the world.
May he always be remembered for them…and not the barfight that cost him his job
as the team’s new manager ; )
Ultimately,
the re-visit has to be this match. Very
little to add here, other than to thank Los Ticos for one of the most memorable
football matches ever.
Love
you guys!
From WM 2014--Day Three Recap:
Bom
Dia Football Fans,
In
case you haven’t noticed, we’ve got an unassailable firecracker of a fucking
football tournament on our hands. Your friendly bookie has neither seen nor
dreamed of a start like this. End-to-end action. Endless goals. Free-flowing
play. This is what football is all about! Another action-packed day. For those
keeping track, that’s 28 Goals from only EIGHT matches.
An
average of 3.5 Goals per game sets this tournament pace to smash all the
previous records. It’s already the highest scoring tournament since 1982. We’ve
not yet seen a draw or a goalless match and no fixture has come even remotely
close to being a bore. At this point in 2002 we were discussing pitch
conditions. In 2006 we were calculating the historic number of bookings. In
2010 we were still waiting for a team to catch fire (It took three days before
ze Germans finally lit it up).
Hell
yes these Latin Americans really know how to do it! How about those
turbocharged Columbians and the upstart Costa Ricans? “PURA VIDA”! Los Ticos
shock the World. We’ve got our first major bombshell. The entire Globe isn’t
merely alight, we’re detonating more fusion blasts than the Sun itself. BOOM!
“PURA VIDA” Please Herr Blatter. PLEASE! Let’s come back to Latin America in
eight years’ time. Fuck Qatar. I don’t want to go to Qatar. Let’s stay here
where we belong. We’ve been gone for 26 years. Give Beckenbauer some shady
financial deals and bring us back home.
PURA
VIDA!
(Fuck
Qatar)
PURA
VIDA!
(Fuck
Qatar)
PURA
VIDA!
The
Latin American style of play influences all the participants. Even the Wops and
the Limeys played an uncharacteristically up-tempo instant masterpiece last
night. Broadly speaking, the Latin American game distinguishes itself from the
European one with a preeminent focus on speed and improvisation. Europeans play
beautiful football too, but our game hinges more on technical exploitation of
set pieces and the lateral use of the pitch. Northern teams generally work the
flanks more and focus on crosses. The Southern Style is to pour forward, rely
on incisive through-balls, and flick/trick your way past the defensive ranks.
Yes,
yes. There’s plenty of contrarian evidence to consign this rather lazy
assessment right into the dustbin. Strip away the baroque language and your
friendly bookies point essentially reads: “Duh…white people be dancin' like
this and black people be dancing like this.” I might as well be aiming to get
booed off the stage during “Honky Night” on “Showtime at the Apollo”. I won’t
be publishing my theory in any peer-reviewed journals. I’m simply excited about
the ebullient start that we’re off too.
Read
the next section on the “EU Wing Theory” or skip it. Either way you’ve no
choice but to concede that the globe is pulsating.
BOOM!
PURA
VIDA
....
SLOW
DOWN? Surely the next encounter would bring us back down. Absent Suarez, the
Uruguayans could be depended upon to play ugly and dirty. We’d have plenty of
time to glance away from the screen with all those midfield whistles and
languid throw-ins. This one had “defensive stalemate” written all over it.
To
hell with that. Godin and Cavani generated quality chances early on, with the
latter missing out on a golden opportunity. After the penalty, Campbell fired a
scorching warning shot that just missed Muslera’s far post. Keylor Navas
produced an insanely acrobatic save on Forlan as the half wound down. Your
friendly bookie managed to type up all of two sentences as the game just
wouldn’t let him go.
He
managed perhaps a half a sentence during the throbbing second half. Campbell’s
laser meant anything was now possible. Three minutes later Duarte’s diving
header sent him into convulsions. So many intriguing story lines as Suarez
began to warm up. But where would the time to write come from if the chronicler
can’t take his eyes off the screen? Urena’s clinical finish, Pereira’s nasty
foul, Cavani slotting for a non-existent Suarez…how can one multitask with all
this great football?
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (2 to 1 Odds for bookie)
1)
Brazil 2)
Switzerland 3)
Serbia 4)
Costa Rica
Overall
Championship Odds
Brazil
(Straight up) Switzerland
(15 to 1) Serbia
(20 to 1) Costa
Rica (30 to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
Brazil (NO BETS) Switzerland (Straight Up) Serbia (Straight Up) Costa Rica (3 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds
Brazil (NO BETS) Switzerland (Straight up) Serbia (5 to 1) Costa Rica (6 to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
Brazil (Straight Up) Switzerland (10 to 1) Serbia (12 to 1) Costa Rica (15 to 1)
