Introduction—“With Scythe in Hand”
(Germany, Mexico, Sweden, S. Korea)
Earlier in this chapter your friendly bookie lamented the
loss of the “Group of Death” classification. It struck a chord with a few
concurring syndicate members who share the precise sentiments. These
tournaments will just never be the same. We’ve lost both a critical source of
intrigue and a profound chance to reflect upon the most abstruse of all
concepts.
New seeding systems, expanded tournaments, and the ensuing
dilution of fields have killed the “Group of Death”. We shall likely never see one
again; certainly not in 24-Team-Continental Championships and definitely not in
the new 48-Team-World-Cup. We humans, naturally predisposed to rage against the
dying of the light, have triumphed over the once-feared “Group of Death”.
Hurrah. Death be not proud. We’ve killed you. We cheated you. Human endeavors
beat you. We win.
In reality of course, death happens to be the one thing we
cannot cheat. Sooner or later we’ll all have to dance with the Macabre. The reaper
comes for all of us. He ushers us in to an endless oblivion; a perpetual night
in which all of the accumulated wisdom and knowledge of our conscience disappears
forever in a meaningless void. All of the hard effort we’ve put into learning, studying,
and bettering ourselves counts for naught once the journey ends. The light
flickers off. An eternity of nothingness. We cease to exist forever. All is
lost in the ether. We do not win. Death eventually wins irrespective of all our
endeavors.
Those whom we leave behind may expend a little effort in
commemorating us. They’ll come nowhere close to eulogizing the essence of who
we really were. After all, inevitable demise and decay awaits them too. They
themselves have a very finite amount of time left before they enter the never-ending
night. Deep in their hearts they know we can’t hear them anyway.
The acrid stench of the grave permeates all of our nostrils
from time to time. The thought of our drawing our absolute final gasp of breath
crosses our mind on occasion. For many of us, a slow suffocation will accompany
the ultimate terminus. Gradually we’ll be deprived of the oxygen that supplied
us with all that we had, giving us a few prolonged moments to contemplate the
horror of losing it all permanently.
Er…have I mentioned that this is Germany’s Group? Herzlich
Wilkommen!
While it may not be a true “Group of Death”, we’ve got
plenty of high-caliber teams to discuss.
The Swedes are the only ones that truly suck. They’ll be dancing with the Macabre relatively soon.
The Swedes are the only ones that truly suck. They’ll be dancing with the Macabre relatively soon.
Deutschland—“Die Nationalmannschaft”
Löw knows how to build a lineup. Of this we remain
confident. The final four players he dropped understandably raised some
eyebrows. Leaving Leroy Sané at home after his showcase last Summer and
breakthrough year at Man City puzzles and perplexes. Surely either he or Gnabry
would have been a better fit than Marco Reus, now a completely different player
struggling to recover from his third major injury. Tah and Peterson also fail
to make the cut. There simply wasn’t enough room.Boateng has been declared fit and both Gomez and Müller are enjoying late-career resurgences. Löw thus returns largely to the Old Guard after watching his prospect squad cruise to the Confed Cup title last Summer. Goretzka, Süle, Rüdiger, Brandt, and Werner have earned permanent places. Stindl, Henrichs, Demirbay, Demme, Tah, Gnabry, Sané, Nils and Younes all fall off the top roster. They’re joined by former Old Guard Mainstays Emré Can and Shkodran Mustafi, both dropped following underwhelming club campaigns.
One of the first things you’ll notice, apart from the
absence of regular “False-9” Mario Götze, is how unusually old this version of
our Mannschaft is. Kroos, Özil, Khedira, Müller, Hummels, Boateng, Gomez, and
Reus now either hover around or eclipse 30-years of age. Late-bloomer Sebastian
Rudy and the oft-injured Ilkay Gündogan aren’t exactly spring chickens either.
Jogi stakes our annual inflexible expectations of a semi-finals berth on the
experience and muscle memory of highly-capped players. This constitutes
something new for the man who ordinarily displays such a great appetite for
novelty.
Nerves won’t
dissipate so easily, especially considering how players like Özil, Khedira, and
Kroos are now clearly dipping into inconsistent form. In the final analysis,
Löw’s deep kader should enable him to make the right adjustments rapidly enough if one of the cogs jam the gears. There are no irreplaceable players on the German
Nationalmannschaft.
There’s also nothing anywhere close to set formation. Jogi will deploy a “False 9”, a traditional striker-based 4-4-2, or even a three-man defensive front if the opponent dictates. So long as he doesn’t go too crazy and give us that fucked-up 2-1-3-3-1 he tried against the French in the 2016 Euro Semis we should be okay. I’ll repost that insanely-thought-through monstrosity just so you can see how nuts he can get:
There’s also nothing anywhere close to set formation. Jogi will deploy a “False 9”, a traditional striker-based 4-4-2, or even a three-man defensive front if the opponent dictates. So long as he doesn’t go too crazy and give us that fucked-up 2-1-3-3-1 he tried against the French in the 2016 Euro Semis we should be okay. I’ll repost that insanely-thought-through monstrosity just so you can see how nuts he can get:
From EM 2016—Day Twenty-Two Recap:
LINEUP—Deutschland
(Match Six)—ACTUAL—2-1-3-3-1
Thomas Müller
|
Julian Draxler Toni Kroos Meshut Özil
|
Jonas Hector Emre Can Joshua Kimmich
|
Bastian
Schweinsteiger
|
Benedikt Höwedes
Jerome Boateng
|
Manuel Neuer
|
Nice in theory. Horrible in practice. Your friendly bookie
got how it was SUPPOSED to work.
Here’s how it didn’t in the post-match, as analyzed
post-mortem:
For
much of the first half, Schweine was the only player remaining behind. Hector
and Kimmich had clearly been instructed to serve as Phillip-Lahm-like
wingbacks. Even Boateng and Höwedes found themselves ahead of Schweine on the
pitch most of the time. Emre Can looked directed to switch forward midfielder
roles depending on which one won the breaks. Draxler, Özil, and Müller were
probably given little instruction other than to crash the box and do their
thing. Presumably one of them would come through with some “false 9” magic at
some point.
It
was an audacious plan that came within a hair’s breadth of working. Can and
Kroos did well to carve out enough space for Draxler, Özil, and Müller. They
nearly found themselves on the end of some quality balls. Despite a supreme
disadvantage in terms of size and speed, Kimmich and Hector hustled down the
flanks and got in some decent crosses. Both of them looked overmatched
laterally, but they kept plugging away. Brave aerial chances, sickly slick
combinations, and sheer dominance on the 50-50s gave the Germans an opportunity
to put on a clinic over much of the first 45 minutes. One felt that they
deserved a goal, but it wasn’t to be.
Schweine’s
handball was legitimate. What’s so shocking about it is how diligent the
linesman and referee were in spotting it. Ordinarily, two or three handlings
like that inside the 18 will go unnoticed during most matches. Griezmann’s
second came courtesy of a good-old-fashioned fuck up from Joshua Kimmich, and
some suspect defending from the unready sub Shkodran Mustafi. One can’t really
blame the German Defense for the lapse in judgment. They were tasked with
emulating “The Best of Phillip Lahm” on both sides of the pitch. That’s a
seriously tall fucking order!
It’s
true that so many of the quality crosses might have found the back of the net
had Gomez been on hand to serve as the target. It’s not exactly a matter of
long-term concern, seeing as how Boateng, Can, Götze, and even Leroy Sané
demonstrated that they can serve as the substitute “Big Target Man”. The only
player who I wincingly and begrudgingly assign poor marks to is Thomas Müller.
Something’s wrong. He’s just not the player he used to be. I wonder if he’ll be
included in the Kader for much longer. He’s been dipping in form for Bayern
lately too. Might be the case that his time is up ; ( ; (
Yikes!
We witnessed far less intrepid experimentation last Summer.
He mostly stuck with a 4-2-3-1 or 4-5-1 after the Sandro Wagner Investigation
predictably failed. There is something of a pattern about Löw, however. He
generally couches a False in a reverse triangular defensive minded system
during the Group Stages, then switches to all-out attack ahead of a
three-man-defensive front come the knockouts. Here’s what he used to best the
Mexicans in the CC 2017 Semi-finals:
From CC 2017—Day Nine Recap:
LINEUP—Deutschland—Match
Four (3-4-2-1)
Timo
Werner
|
Julian Draxler Lars Stindl
|
Jonas Hector
Benjamin Henrichs
|
Sebastian Rudy Leon Goretzka
|
A. Rüdiger M. Ginter
J. Kimmich
|
Marc André ter
Stegen
|
Interesting. Kimmich all the way back? Henrichs as a forward
paired with Hector? Rudy and Goretzka in defensive positions? Your friendly
bookie scrambled to make sense of Löw’s ever-shifting plans:
Impossible
to argue with the effectiveness of this arrangement. I was initially surprised
to see Kimmich assigned to a more traditional center-back position. Your
friendly bookie’s curiosity lasted all of six minutes. Henrichs can be every
bit as deadly roaming up the flanks. Stindl appears to have been used as a full
decoy. Draxler less so, but those two drew the defenders in so that either
Goretzka or Rudy could sneak in to unleash long-range efforts.
Naturally,
it’s doubtful that Löw could have predicted just how hungry Goretzka would be
to lace first-time thrashers on target. That part wasn’t necessarily in the
script. The placement of Henrichs in Kimmich’s spot, however, was quite
deliberate. Whether Henrichs was meant to be feeding Draxler, Werner, Rudy, or
Goretzka he was given a high-profile audition in the critical German Role of
“Roving Right Fullback”. Talk about passing with flying colors ; )
Projecting the German Lineup is seriously hard business, and
not just because I’m an infatuated fanboy. Kimmich and Hector can play just
about anywhere except center forward. Müller, Gomez, and even Reus can start as
genuine strikers, false 9s, wingers or remain on hand as late-sub-jokers.
Brandt, Rudy, and even Özil can serve as strikers if need be. Süle, Ginter,
Hummels, and Gündogan can occupy central defense or move out to the wing and
press up. Kroos, Draxler, and Goretzka can be inserted virtually anywhere in
midfield.
Below you’ll find my initial projection for the Mexico match
on Sunday, June 17th. I’ll place Werner up top as an authentic
center forward, move Kimmich, Hector, Hummels, and Boateng back to their natural
positions, assign central midfield to the former Real teammates, and have Kroos
direct the attack flanked by Draxler and Brandt. Note that this is about as
obvious as you can get. Löw will play his real hand later…and your friendly
bookie will be here to over-analyze it ; )
Before moving on to the “Festa Mexicana”, I’d like to carry
on with a tradition begun only last Summer. As I’ve often stated, I’m steadfastly
proud of my inclusive and diverse country. I don’t give a good fuck what anyone
thinks of me for writing that or this:
Bravo, Deutschland! Well done accepting those million Syrian
Refugees. We did the RIGHT THING for humanity. Even if the overpaid eccentrics
over at the Economist haven’t quite gotten it figured out, I have.
vs.
Auf geht’s “Cool Germany”!
It took me far too long to arrive at the idea of this list
last Summer. Someday I’ll compile a more comprehensive one for all of the
tournaments covered in the Syndicate. For the time being, let’s repost it and
augment with this year’s roster:
2017
Yes,
yes. I know. The German Nationalmannschaft once more boasts an “Embarrassment
of Riches”. Before getting to the grades, I’d like to politely remind everyone
that my country’s team once more boasts an “Embarrassment of Diversity”. We’ve
delivered the tournament’s most ethnically diverse team…again. ; ) Before you
sneer at the “Era of German Dominance” consider for a moment that this “Era”
isn’t really perpetuated by ethnic Germans. ; ) We’re even better than the
French or English at fielding a team of Immigrants. That’s how we roll these
days. ; )
A
long-term project that I’ve much interest in concerns a more comprehensive
portrait of how footballers from Immigrant Backgrounds have re-shaped European
Football in the Modern Age. Hell, I could spend an entire month discussing the
ones who have played for the German Nationalmannschaft alone. For now, here’s a
list of heritages from this Summer’s “Prospect Squad”
-
Bernd Leno (Russia) 
-
Shkodran Mustafi (Albania) 
-
Kerem Demirbay (Turkey) -
Emré Can (Turkey)
-
Amin Younes (Lebanon)
-
Benjamin Henrichs (Ghana)
- Antonio Rüdiger (Sierra Leone)
In
a semi-interesting side note, I was almost positive that Leon Goretzka was
every bit as Polish as Mirsolav Klose, Tim Borowski or Lucas Podolski.
Evidently not. He’s as Bochum as it gets!
2018
Welcome back first string internationals!
-Jerome Boateng (Ghana)
-Sami Khedira (Tunisia) -Meshut Özil (Turkey) -Ilkay Gündogan (Turkey)
-Mario Gomez (Spain)
Can’t wait to welcome the first Syrian-born talent ; ) 
Projecting my Kraut Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Timo Werner
|
Julian Draxler Toni
Kroos Julian Brandt
|
Sami
Khedira Meshut Özil
|
Jonas Hector Joshua Kimmich
|
Mats Hummels Jerome Boateng
|
Manuel Neuer
|
The Talisman—Julian Draxler
Time for him to find a new club. Get ready for what should
be a dazzling audition.
“A Syndicate Classic—Bender’s Big Score”
Editor’s
Retroactive Notes:
So
many victories. So many memories. So many posts to choose from. They’re
plastered all over this blog. Vicey loves his Fatherland dearly and misses it
terribly. Instead of rehashing an
obvious choice like the 7-1 rout against Brazil 2014, Neuville’s late winner
against the Poles 2006, or the heart-attack-inducing shootout against the
Italians in 2016, I’ve plucked a relatively obscure passage from the 2012 Euro
Group Stage.
Knowing
that only one Syndicate Member will have the interest and stamina to make it
through this passage, I impart my love and best wishes to him ; )
A
wonderful goal. A glorious evening. ; )
From
EM 2012—Round Three
Deutschland vs. Denmark
vs. 
With
an official quarterfinal clinch still on the line, I’m pleased to report that I
can disseminate a high line. Löw will be unable to start too many of the
backups. The prediction of moving Hummels outside and giving Mertesacker Boateng’s
place holds. Özil likely needs a break so it will either be Götze or Reus. It
might be prudent to sit Badstuber as well to prevent a double yellow
suspension. Löw has his pick of Schmelzer, Gündogan, or Höwedes, all of whom
can fill his role aptly without jeopardizing the German defense. Poldi, Gomez,
Müller, and Schweine are due for a break, but look for them to start and be
substituted at the first available opportunity.
Under
cross-examination, the nameless girl who declared Joachim Löw “very attractive”
attributed the allure to “his crisply laundered shirts”. Got that fellas? Find
some room in the budget for a reliable Dry Cleaner. Keep those button ups
starched heavier than a McDonald’s addict on a French Fry bender. Since the
advent of the Jürgen Klinsmann era, the German head coach has worn an ultra-stiff
blue dress shirt for every match. That’s our uniform. Evidently, we know how to
please the ladies.
Morten
Olsen usually sports some pimpin shirts as well. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have
much of a team left. Zimling, Rommedahl, and (reportedly) Jacobsen are hurt.
Eriksen, Kvist, and Lass Schöne might have a little flourish yet in store for
us, but this one will be over quicker than Javier Bardem’s air gun to the
forehead. Quick and painless Danes.
“I
need to you hold still.”
THE
LINE: Mannschaft +2 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT: Germany 2,
Denmark 1. And thus the magical Summer reached its apogee. This isn’t to say
that there were not plenty of more thrills in store. Your friendly bookie
merely remains uncertain that it ever got as good as this. This one had it all:
Dramatic end-to-end action, a substitute’s heroic tale, great friends, and a
fairy tale finish.
The story begins with
Lars Bender, a Leverkusen prospect who had spent most of his career lurking in
the shadow of his twin brother’s (Sven’s) fat Borussia contract. Both brothers
began their careers at the Youth Academy of TSV Brannenburg. If you have no
idea where in the hell that is, don’t worry. It’s hardly significant. They
graduated in tandem, first earning looks at SpVgg Unterhaching, then eventually
landing at TSV 1860 München. Parallel to these developments, the twins also
moved up the ranks of the national squad, from the U17, to the U19, and finally
to the U20 team. It wasn’t long before they both began earning caps for Joachim
Löw at the very top. Their paths diverged in mid 2009, when Sven secured a
transfer to perennial German powerhouse Borussia Dortmund while Lars,
struggling with injury, still drew matches with 1860 reserves.
To even imagine what
matters might have felt like in the Rosenheim household of the talented twins
is trying. At one point (circa 2006) Lars appeared the more promising prospect.
Two years later, Sven found himself slightly ahead. Lars surged briefly after
the advent of the new year, but 2009 closed with Sven clearly displaying more
potential. By no means down and out, Lars attained his own Bundesliga promotion
with a transfer to Bayer Leverkusen. Still, Jupp Heynckes saw fit to relegate
him to the Youth Squad on three separate occasions.
To say that Lars
struggled with some serious adversity would be unfair. He and Sven remained
neck-and-neck. While both brothers play primarily in defense, Lars also
possesses potential as an attacking midfielder. He fought his way into the
first team Bayer squad in 2011, this despite the return of Michael Ballack to
his former club. Nevertheless, with both brothers on Joachim Löw’s roster on
Final Cut-down day, many assessors (including this one) thought Sven to be the
favorite. He had proven himself a force to be reckoned with during Dortmund’s
second consecutive Bundesliga Championship. The Germans found themselves thin
at the back. Lars may have had a great year scoring-wise, but looked too inconsistent
for a Löw lineup.
Not only did Yogi
select him, he also carefully groomed him for pressure action with a late
substitution in the Netherlands match. When faced with a choice to replace the
suspended Jerome Boateng, Löw didn’t flinch in selecting the budding midfielder
over more natural fullbacks like Höwedes or Gündogan. The move left more than a
few of us at Peter Weis’s ramshackle bar scratching our heads. Before long we’d
be smacking them in deference to Löw’s brilliance.
The Mannschaft stormed
out of the gate, with Podolski and Özil orchestrating a fantastic chance for
Müller, who only missed out on a 5th minute opener after a few
nanoseconds of hesitation enabled Andersen to reposition himself. Three matches
into the tournament, Real Madrid teammates Meshut Özil and Sami Khedira finally
opted to begin working together. Together they obliterated any chance Zimling,
Kvist, and Jakob Poulsen had of exerting any midfield presence. The eventual 19th
minute opening goal, however, had little to do with their domineering prowess
and everything to do with the consequences of a relentless assault.
Randomly flinging
shots and crosses near the net can often produce something totally unexpected.
A quick throw-in was gobbled up by Thomas Müller, who quickly ascertained that
he had Gomez, Poldi, and Schweine in the box waiting. Müller took his time
drawing in the defense as he moved into the edge of the area and fired a cross
towards no one in particular. In this instance, it pinged off Gomez and landed directly
at the feet of Podolski, who showed not the slightest hint of indecisiveness.
The Fatherland took a much-deserved lead.
The Danes drew level
within six minutes with the type of set-piece play they had clearly been honing
on the training pitch. Niklas Bender delivered a brave header to flick
Christian Eriksen’s corner on to Michael Krohn-Dehli, who tapped it in with his
own impeccable header. The Mannschaft sprang back into action. Özil and Khedira
resumed their wizardry. The midfield dominance would prove to no avail as the
first half ended in stalemate.
The war of attrition
continued until the hour mark, when Poldi and Müller came within striking
distance. Löw strove to alter the tenor by substituting in Schürrle. The
Leverkusen man clicked with his teammate Bender almost immediately, and the
Krauts once again dominated possession until roughly the 70th. At
that point, the Danish Dynamite began taking advantage of Löw’s break play.
Jakob Poulsen engineered a tantalizing opportunities with some skilled forward
momentum. J. Poulsen had earlier provided us with a scare after hitting the
post early in the half. Bendtner again burst through the German defense to stir
up a few minor heart palpitations.
LARS BENDER!
Indescribable! He initiated the break, then galloped downfield like a doped-up
racehorse until he could finish it! TOOOOOOOOR!
It was time to say
some heartfelt goodbyes to some very dear friends, old and new. After giving
the beleaguered bartender who shared my name a hefty slap on the back and even
stronger man-hug, I hopped in the car and headed back to Karlsruhe. All the
back to my father’s generational home, I honked the horn loudly and screamed
“LARS BENDER!!” at every last passerby. EVERY LAST ONE waved back, offering
either a “DEUTSCHLAND!”, a “AUF GEHT’S JUNGS!”, or an old-fashioned
“WHOOOO-HOOO!” back.
Upon arriving in
Karslruhe well past the Witching Hour, I looked for my father in his home
office. His chair was empty. Papers were piled up on every corner of the desk
Opened books laid predictably strewn about, opened face downward so he wouldn’t
lose his place. Half-baked ideas for mathematical proofs lay half-scribbled
down on pieces of graph paper. Just as I had expected, a marathon work-session
had understandably been cut short. I found the old man on the couch, watching
the recap with a smile so jacked up you would have thought he hadn’t spent a
second of his evening frantically preparing his lecture. There was only one
thing to say,
“LARS BENDER!!”
The laughter and
embraced that followed proved as unforgettable as the goal itself.
Mexico—“The Aztec Warriors”
Call them “El-Tri” if history and superstition adversely
affects your ability to visualize a better outcome. Perfectly permissible. The
Ecuadorians aren’t around this time, so there won’t be any potential for
confusion. Dig back further in history if you like and label them the “Chichimec
Champs” if you’d like. That ties in splendidly with Javier Hernandez’s
nickname. You can even go back further and christen them “Toltec Troopers”.
Your friendly bookie, presently addicted to the riveting ancient mysticism of
Latin America’s most metaphysical great civilization, will confer unto you some
serious props. Whatever you choose to name them, just don't tag them as your
pick to make the Quarterfinals. Too much age and too little creativity on this
roster. If they don’t get their act together quickly, the CONCACF Champs won’t
even escape the group.
First the squad. In the end I wasn’t surprised that Osorio
dropped players like Oswaldo Alanis, Jesus, Molina, and Elias Hernandez.
Somewhat disappointed that Jürgen Damm won’t be around, but his play in last
Summer’s Tournament ultimately merits the exclusion. Given the demonstrated
form of most of the players on the final roster, I genuinely thought we might
see promising young up-and-comers like Uriel Antuna or Jonathan Gonzalez.
Either one of them could have taken the place of Oribe Peralta. Omar Govea,
another truly gifted sapling, should have probably been included.
To the strategy and formation. Osorio mostly maintained a
4-3-3 last summer with Chicharito in the center of the trident. Striking
partners auditioned for the “little pea” included Raul Jimenez, Carlos Vela,
Hirving Lozano, Javier Aquino, and the aforementioned antediluvian Oribe
Peralta. On the occasion when Chicharito was rested, he reformatted to a 3-4-3
with Jimenez up top buttressed by Damm, Peralta, and Guardado.
Something has to change here as the former Talisman just
completed a wholly uninspiring campaign over at West Ham. Honestly. What the
hell was Hernandez thinking? It’s already an awful idea to switch clubs and
leagues as one approaches the age of thirty. To transfer to a struggling club
that offered little support counts as a fiendishly stupid career move. It
places much of his future and legacy in doubt.
In light of these inauspicious matters, your friendly bookie
projects that Osorio will move him back behind Jimenez and Lozano until he
re-discovers his confident legs. The opening match against Germany almost
serves as an experimental forfeiture. Continuing in that vein, the dos Santos
brothers are given initial command of central midfield. They wilted easily
against the Krauts in last year’s Semifinals and might as well do so here.
Osorio will seek to disguise his true strongest midfield, which probably
features Herrera flanked by Guardado and Aquino.
An ill-timed injury to Nestor Araujo may actually turn out
to be a blessing in disguise. The re-formatted defense looks even better.
Captain Rafael Marquez moves up to anchor the midfield while Moreno and
Salcedo, capable of performing the work of four centerbacks themselves, close
ranks in ahead of Ochoa.
Soft competition should ultimately carry them out of the
Group Phase. It’ll all end where it always ends, however. Round of 16
elimination for the SEVENTH consecutive tournament.
Projecting the Aztec Lineup (4-1-2-3)
Raul
Jimenez Hirving Lozano
|
Chicharito
|
Giovanni dos Santos Jonathan dos Santos
|
Rafael Marquez
|
M. Layun H. Moreno C. Salcedo D. Reyes
|
Guillermo Ochoa
|
The Talisman—Hirving Lozano “A Syndicate Classic—Rock my Socks”
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Syndicate
Member 132-M smacked the nail directly on the head and through the roof last
Summer with his dead-on impersonation of Fox play-by-play announcer Jorge Perez
Navarro. He does a pretty good Sizwe Mabena too. We’re all in for a treat in
the coming days. Jorge, Mexican wrestling masks, Chicharito costumes and…chicas
; )
Here
are some selections.
From
CC 2017—Day Two Recap
“Riffs
of the Day”—Day Two
Reader:
Jorge Perez Navarro rocks my socks.
Vicey:
Agreed. “Orgasmically Good”. He needs to come over to my place and call my
morning dishwashing.
“Vice
applies the Dawn Dish Soap! He taking out the Brillo Pad. He’s SCRUBBING OFF
THE COFFEE STAINS!!
OOOHH
YEAH!! CLEEEEAAAAAN!!
“CLEEEEAAAAN!”
“CLEEEEAAAAN!”
“CLEEEEAAAAN!”
From
CC 2017—Day Four Recap:
Depthless
critics of the “Hot Girl Standings” miss the point. It isn’t really about the
cuties in the crowd….though that happens to be an eminently enjoyable part of
televised football that we all enjoy. ; ) It’s really about the fans, flags,
and colors. All the raven-haired Latina Lovlies in the audience today were no
match for the guy wearing the Giant “Pea-Pod Suit”. Well done, Hermano. ; )
From
CC 2017—Day Five Recap:
Wholly disappointed with Day Five’s Football. For all the hype, “Chile vs. Germany” turned out to mostly a defensive stalemate. The Indomitable Lions fought hard to achieve an egregiously unfair draw, and your friendly bookie didn’t witness anything as immeasurably cool as an infant’s “Chicharito Onesie”. Typical “Round Two” Letdown. The initial excitement of an international football tournament’s opening round can be hard to top, but Jögi Löw dealt a “C-Span 3 Level” hand of plebian cards. Timo Werner remained on the bench. A three-man-defensive front provided no fast break opportunities off the counter. No substitutions? Really? Are you really that afraid of giving Chile a glimpse into your thought process?
Sweden—“The Blaugults”
Christ, they’re bad. As we witnessed in Euro 2016, they were
a lousy team even with Ibrahimović in the starting eleven. Practically all of
the discussion around this team has centered around whether or not Zlatan would
“un-retire”. He has not, leaving manager Janne Andersson scrambling to find
players to build an attack around. The fact that he’s called up—for fuck’s
sake—Gustav Svensson tells you all you need to know about this country’s
prospects. They were quite fortunate to secure qualification against our
beloved “Dastardly Dagos” in the European playoff. They’ll be even more fortunate
to score more than one or two goals over the course of their three matches.
The new kits are kinda cool. In all likelihood they’ll
remain squarely on the shoulders of every Blaugult player throughout the
duration of regulation match time. No reason to expect that a striker will
ecstatically strip off their shirt in celebration of a goal. For starters, they
don’t even have a true striker. I can’t find one. Toivonen barely factors in
for his club team anymore. Berg is just outright junk, even in the U.A.E.
league. Guidetti has been tanking for three years now. Really no attacking
threat to report on.
Ugh. It gets even more fugly. Jimmy Durmaz and Emil Forsberg
haven’t developed in the way many had hoped for. Both players find themselves
in regressive form for their clubs. Ekdal and Lindehöf have also taken enormous
leaps backward. There doesn’t appear to be room for Augustinsson, the lone
bright spot leftover from the 2015 U-21 Championship team, because Olsson still
occupies the starting Left Back position.
The entire back four are notoriously unimaginative.
Källstrom will be sorely missed in midfield. Berg can’t hope to replace him.
Isaaksson’s retirement leaves us with a total novice between the pipes. Your
friendly bookie searched diligently for something positive to say about these
lads, but it’s simply not forthcoming.
The team that scored ONE measly goal in the 2016 Euros might
get totally blanked here. Out go the Swedes, steamrolled and trampled upon like
the cartoonishly cruddy crap that they are.
Projecting the Swedish Lineup (4-5-1)
John Guidetti
|
Emil Forsberg Marcus Berg
Sebastian Larsson
|
Jimmy Durmaz Albin Ekdal
|
Martin Olsson Victor Lindeöf
|
Andreas Granqvist Pontus
Jansson
|
Robin Olsen
|
The Talisman—Sebastian Larsson “A Syndicate Classic—The
Zlatan Ka-Ching”
Editor’s
Retroactive Notes:
I
miss Ibrahimović too. Wish he were here. Wish he didn’t decide to quit and head
to the MLS Retirement Community. I’ll never forget the Spanish announcer calls
of his goals….and the instances in which they made me money.
Your
friendly bookie set a trap line here. Used to be a bit devious in those days.
From
EM 2004—Round Two:
Sweden vs. Italy
vs. 
I wish I had a button to press. No button in sight. Hmmm…..I suppose I’ll just bang on my desk emphatically. UPSET ALERT!! UPSET ALERT!! Wooooooo—hooooo! UPSET ALERT!! My dearest forlorn Italian Stallions, I’m feeling remarkably magnanimous today. It is my benevolent pleasure to give you an opportunity to win your money back. I’ve taken your head and with it your power. What distinguishes a football tournament from the Highlander Series is that you’re still alive. We’ll make this a pick, meaning your cherished Azzuri only have to win by ONE TRIFLING GOAL. Before making it official, I’ll afford myself some trash talk space.
Trusting your team
proved impossible even before they laid a heaping steaming pile of shit on the
pitch against the Danes. Have I mentioned that your head coach is completely in
his cups? Zanetti and Cameronesi in midfield? Bahahahahaha. The jig is up. I
heaped praise on your predictably underachieving forwards del Piero and Viera
just to lure you into a false sense of security. Pannucci and Zambrotta are the
only true talents. In front of them sit an unfit group of primadonnas with no
chemistry. Priceless how I had you fooled! You buffoons ate it up.
Ahahahahahaha. Now you’ve lost Totti to a replay suspension and you’re about to
get smacked up by the Swedes. Forza Italia! Sei un po babbeo o dici solo
delle sciochezze?
You may find yourself
mollified by the fact that I am in the minority among bookmakers. Vegas, Bodog,
and practically every online gaming site still have the Wops as odds-on
favorites. I happen to know something that the more experienced odds makers
don’t. Namely, busting you guy’s balls is always an effective strategy. Want to
see me eat my words? Wouldn’t it be more satisfying if some cash were flowing
in your direction?
THE LINE: Pick em’
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Italy 1, Sweden 1. You honestly haven't lived until you’ve bathed in money.
Ever dump some fat stacks in the tub and loofa up your course skin with bills?
We going sizzlin’, goin’ sizzlin’. So much money. You can’t stop that. After
this match I was lighting' up cigarettes again, if only to relish in the pleasure
of setting bills on fire like a true king in the counting house. Cassano took
Totti’s place, giving the Italians an early lead and me a spot of indigestion.
Low and behold, however, Ibrahimovic knocked in a loose ball after a scramble
in the 85th minute. I’ll never forget that moment, voiced by Javier
something-or-other-o on the Spanish Channel. “Iiiiibraaahiiiimooovic. La
Fuerta. La fuerta.
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
GOL. GOL. GOL. GOL. GOL. G-G-G-G-Gooooooool”. To this day I refuse to watch a contest involving Ibrahimović unless I can hear the Spanish announcers string out every last one of the surfeit of vowels in his name “Iiiiibraaahiiiimooovic.” Alas, the ecstasy was fleeting. L Less than twenty-four hours later, it was time to run a large chunk of that the money through the dryer and send it back.
GOL. GOL. GOL. GOL. GOL. G-G-G-G-Gooooooool”. To this day I refuse to watch a contest involving Ibrahimović unless I can hear the Spanish announcers string out every last one of the surfeit of vowels in his name “Iiiiibraaahiiiimooovic.” Alas, the ecstasy was fleeting. L Less than twenty-four hours later, it was time to run a large chunk of that the money through the dryer and send it back.
South Korea—“The Taeguk Warriors”
No, it’s not officially Summer until we welcome our most
cherished and popular Asian Tigers back into the mix. I’ve what’s sure to be
pleasing news for the Syndicate Members who love to back this team: They’re
very underrated this year. You stand to make some bank off of the more
skeptical oddsmakers who focus only on their deficiencies. Hop on the “Taeguk
Train” and pocket some coin. Though they’ve been sliding in most books since
the trip- to the Continental Finals in 2015, some solid execution and a little
luck might see them through.
I’ve invested some time scouting their pre-tournament
friendlies against Honduras and Bosnia & Herzegovina. The attack is
actually bloody blasted good. Son Heung-Min and Hwang Hee-Chan make for a
ferocious tandem up front. Kim Shin-Wook can still come off the bench and
interject pace should either of them fail to find the ideas.
The midfield does look decidedly less tenacious without Kwan
Chang-Hoon, but Lee Jae-Sung can fill in fine provided Ki Sung-Yeung does his
job and draws most of the coverage. Koo Ja-Cheul can step it up as well. Like
what I’ve seen from Ju Se-Jong, Moon Seon-Min, and Lee Seung-Woo too.
The defense was already suspect even before injuries to Kim
Jin-Su and and Kim Min-Jae. Kim Young-Gwon and Go Yo-Han haven’t been in form
for years. As a means of survival, it appears Shin Tae-Jung will opt for
strength in numbers. This bookie builds a 5-3-2 with Jang Hyun-Soo, Kim
Youn-Gwon and Lee Yong on the back line. That’s how I see it working, anyway ;
)
I’ll obviously know more after their final friendly on the 7th,
but it’s a very serviceable lineup. Tae-Yong has done an excellent job building
around the scaffolding left over from the Stielike Era. Altogether I’d rate the
Red Devils of Asia about twenty places above their current FIFA Ranking. They
can possibly attain the knockouts for the first time in eight years.
A standard note on the lineup: Your friendly bookie orders
the names as they Koreans themselves do. That’s why some footballers aren’t
immediately recognizeable.
Projecting the Taeguk Lineup (5-3-2)
Son Heung-Min Hwang Hee-Chan
|
Ki
Sung-Yueng
|
Koo Ja-Cheol Lee Jae-Sung
|
Park Joo-ho Go Yo-Han
|
Jang Hyun-Soo Kim Youn-Gwon Lee Yong
|
Kim Seung-Gyu
|
The Talisman—Heung Min-Son
Watch his early form intently. A Cinderella Run depends on
it.
“A Syndicate Classic—Stielike’s
Warriors”
Editor’s
Retroactive Notes:
Your friendly bookie
hates watching his Taeguks lose on the Grand Stage. Thankfully, they’re always competitive
in the Continental Championship, another of which is scheduled to kickoff seven
scant months from now.
Here’s the preview
section that kicked off their last run to the finals. Stielike put together a
great team that year.
Okay, we’ll throw in
the famous puerile rant from “Syndicate with A Vengeance” too ; )
From AFC 2015—Geo-Syndicate
Redux:
South
Korea (Winning Odds—3 to 1)
Oh, Taeguk Warriors.
Why did you disappoint us so? Why was this ordinarily well-spoken bookie
reduced to fits of incoherent rage? The WM 2014 Dailies are littered with a
litany of amateur attempts to somehow coerce trainer Hong Myung-Bo into some
sort of semblance of cogent coaching. Damn. Reading through that last sentence,
I do believe we have ourselves an abundance of alliteration. Damn it. I just
did it again, didn’t I?
Sorry to disappoint
you. ; ( ; ( Guess who’s NOT disappointing us? Our “Tigers of Asia”! They’re
back in the biggest of all possible ways. The search for a new head coach
began, bizarrely enough, with attempts to sign Dutch failure Bert van Marwijk.
After that fell through, everyone over at the KFA came to their senses and
recruited Kraut mastermind Ulrich Stielike. I know I’ve had harsh words for the
former National Team star and Cote d’Ivoire front man in the past, but he
appears to have done a fabulous job selecting a squad here.
The
ever-underachieving Chu-Young Park is out. The enterprising young Lee Jung-Hyup
is in. Ha Dae-Sung, Kim Shin-Wook, and Ji Dong-Won have all been dropped. Kwak
Tae-Hwi and Koo Ja-Cheol are still around, but the latter has been stripped of
his captaincy.
New captain Ki
Sung-Yueng of Swansea City knows to lead by example. Leverkusen’s Song
Heung-Min, Hoffenheim’s Kim Jin-Su, and Mainz’s Park Joo-Ho know how to back
him up.
Stielike has this team
slaying the South American Giants in friendly matches. Look for them to top the
group. A revamped defensive corps can
buttress an even better attack.
Projecting
the South Korean Lineup (4-4-2)
C.Y. Cheol Lee Keun-Ho
|
Song Heung-Min Koo Ja-Cheol
|
Ki Sung-Yueng Lee Chung-Yong
|
Kim Jin-Su Cha Du-Ri
|
Kwak Tae-Hwi Kim Ju-Young
|
Jung Song-Ryong
|
From WMQ
2009—Syndicate with A Vengeance
South
Korea
Oh
yes. Yes sir. Together with the Spaniards and the Japs, there will be no
shortage of eye-candy in the stands for the male viewing contingent! The
triumvirate of gorgeous hotties is already in! One might even call the Korean
girls the Jefferson of the “Mount Rushmore of Babes. The Spaniards are my
Roosevelts. I’m just not cool enough. Besides that, I can’t dance. The Japs are
my Washington. They will dump you quicker than you can say "Snow Falling
on Peter”. Oh well. Other than reasons that make me appear to be a very “dirty
old man”, here are four reasons, why I’m psyched about the Koreans:
1.
The drum section of the “Tigers of Asia”. If you haven’t heard this fan club
yet, you’re in for a treat!
2.
In poor forlorn Kaiserslautern, you simply have to love a team with the
nickname “Red Devils”….er with the possible exception of the loathed ManU.
3.
The Koreans got completely gypped by those microstate cheese yodelers known as
the Swiss in the 2006 WM. They were polite to the Ref and everything!! Fucking
useless Swiss.
4.
ManU’s Ji-Sung Park ready to kick some ass while Park Chu Young is poised to tear
up the scene (Chan-Ho Park is still bothered by a hamstring). Lee Chun-Yong of
Bolton Wanders is an intriguing prospect while Lee Dong-Gook (tearin’ up the K
league) and Lee Young Pyo are back for more! In addition, we’ve got Lee Keun
Ho, Lee Chung-Yong, Lee Jung Soo, AND Lee Woon-Jae called up? How about that?
Kim Young Kwang, Kim Dong-Jin, Kim Hyung-Il, and Kim Jung-Woo are ready to
play!!
(Okay…love
my Koreans. Still waiting to meet one that does not have Jong, Hong, Park, Kim,
or Lee in their name. Also, is anyone NOT from Seoul? I’m looking forward to
meeting you!
Go
see Park Chan-wook’s latest epic “Thirst”. I mean, GO RIGHT NOW! If you loved
“Oldboy”, “Sympathy for Lady Vengeance”
and “I’m a Cyborg, but that’s Okay”, you’ve not a moment to lose! The Koreans
are the ONLY ones left that can still do artful horror.
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (2 to 1 Odds for bookie)
1)
Deutschland 2)
Mexico 3)
South Korea 4)
Sweden
Overall
Championship Odds
Deutschland (NO BETS) Mexico (8 to 1) South Korea (15 to 1) Sweden (30 to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
Deutschland (NO BETS) Mexico (Straight Up) South Korea (Straight Up) Sweden (3 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds
Deutschland (NO BETS) Mexico (4 to 1) South Korea (6 to 1) Sweden (10 to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
Deutschland (NO BETS) Mexico (6 to 1) South Korea (8 to 1) Sweden (15
to 1)
