Introduction—“The Wellspring of Life”
Four verifiably weak teams comprise this tournament's true "group of life".
Indeed. Just like in Group B, we're going with one of Kraftwerk's stunningly beautiful relaxation melodies. "Tanzmusik" was born out of the band's early experiment phase in 1972. A forty-year-old song, well ahead of it's time, that furnishes us with the perfect blend of soothing nostalgia and portends of a better future.
Three years after making a total mockery out of your friendly bookie's predictions, these pesky Scandinavians are back.
Picked, with good reason, to finish dead last in their group, Janne Andersson's ragtag band of has-beens shook off the loss of their captain and punched all the way through to the 2018 WM quarterfinals.
In all honesty, I remain bewildered by how they did it. It was an absolute crap squad. Andersson ran an bulky 4-4-2 that clunked around like my old 2001 Saab 9-3 on salvage yard replacement parts.
Somehow it worked. When one propped up the hood, nothing was where it was supposed to be. An unseen agglomeration of engine sludge kept the component parts clicking. The Swedes finished atop the group of death with players like these:
Seriously. Andreas Granqvist. The then 33-year-old captain found himself in semi-retirement over at Krasnodar in Russia at the time. He slotted home the penalty that beat the South Koreans in the opening round, also earning man-of-the-match honors.
Granqvist drove the offensive engine from a shared center-halve position with unfamiliar partner Pontus Jansson. He would score again in the final group stage game against Mexico and kept a heavily favored Swiss side at bay in the round-of-16.
The bizarre aberration of this team didn't end with Granqvist.
What? Really? Ola Toivonen? The French League flop who went down under to leisurely trot about the pitch for the Melbourne Victory? This cannot be! And yet, there he is scoring against my Krauts in the group stage game we only won thanks to Toni Kroos' last-second set-piece.
None of this made a lick of sense. Rejects from every last corner of Europe played like world-beaters. Gustav Svensson and Sebastian Larsson--combined age 64 at the time--danced about opponents on the pitch. Victor Classon got behind everyone on the wing. Albin Ekdal murdered every blade of grass.
This happened too.
Ludwig Augustinsson scored! What. The. Actual. Fuck. An alternate reality in which Tyler Perry delivered command cinematic performances descended upon us. People with nothing to say suddenly shut up. It commenced raining gumdrops and Überrachungseier until Southgate's England finally ended the fairy-tale
Was there any sort of halfway decent player on this team, or do I have to throw up photos of Marcus Berg and Martin Olsson to further emphasize this overextended point?
Ah. There were are. Thank you! Emil Forsberg after scoring the match-winning goal against the Swiss. The RB Leipzig attacker served as the one younger player who actually carried his form over to club football. It helped that he had a competitive club to return to.
Forsberg happens to be a player that you're friendly bookie wrote quite a bit about this season. He's a big reason why, together with other closely-monitored actors on this roster, I genuinely feel that the Swedes may be the most thoroughly upgraded squad since the last major tourney.
Now that Andersson possesses a truly talented set of players, the Blaugults stand as the pick to take first in this group. Of course, watch them completely botch it and finish bottom. The bookie prepares for another budgetary punch to the throat.
Projecting the Swedish Lineup (4-4-2)
The Talisman—Sebastian Larsson
Yes, he's still around. Granqvist and Svensson (combined age of 70 now) are along for the ride too in the event that anyone wonders. The 35-year-old midfielder's golden days are way behind him, but he features in all of Andersson's XIs.
The vice-captain also enjoys a late career revival of sorts playing at AIK Stockholm in the Allsvenskan.
In addition to still being one of the most intelligent footballers distribution-wise, the former EPL professional still finds the back of the net regularly for his Swedish club side.
Four tallies for the national team in the last 18 months all came at clutch moments. A lot of hard work allowed to render himself once again relevant in the twilight of his career.
Vicey's Bundesliga Buddy
Robin Quaison, FSV Mainz 05
Emil Forsberg's contribution to this tournament shouldn't be in any doubt. The manner in which Leipzig trainer Julian Nageslsmann utilized him this season conditioned Forsberg to effectively work as a pseudo forward.
Bookie genuinely hopes that Andersson will have the stones to give this player a start up front. He clearly has much to contribute too given the chance.
Bo Svensson's Pfälzer were among the more exciting Bundesliga sides to watch over the course of the campaign's second half. Quaison really came on strong, especially in the last five fixtures. He tallied thrice in those final games.
Mainz's incredible turnaround this year wouldn't have been possible without the pacey attacker. This was a team that loaned out its leading goal-scorer when relegation seemed all but certain. Quaison stepped up big. He got his 34th Bundesliga goal for the Rheinhessen this year, tying a club record.
He's been damn good in national team qualifying as well. Andersson would really be remiss to leave Quaison out of his XI given the recent form. If the bookie sees Marcus Berg alone up top in a 4-5-1 compress, I'll pitch an epic fit.
Nostalgia Corner
“Farewell, m'lord”
Well. Guess who's not going to be here. It almost happened. Thirty-nine year-old Lord Zlatan Ibrahimovic reneged on his 2016 pledge to retire for the national team and accepted a call up earlier this Spring.
One of the games all time greats has been doing his Benjamin Button thing over at AC Milan for the past two seasons. Incredibly, he's turned in 28 goals in one of the most competitive leagues in the world in spite of the fact that he's pushing his fifth decade of life.
Who could possibly forget that press conference during the 2016 EM? We were all sure it was over for the legend. Injury-riddled seasons at Manchester United. A nice cushy job over at the nursing home known as MLS.
Nope. He came out of club football retirement in L.A. and very nearly rejoined the Blaugults. Pinpointing the "deity's" best international tournament moment, as everyone knows, proves impossible. The back heel in Euro 2004. The drought-ending one in Euro 2008.
Both goals in 2012 were more than worthy, but I've selected the volley finish against the French in the group stage. Not to say that one solitary goal comes anywhere close to encapsulated this man's brilliant tournament career.
There are plenty of officially licensed montages out there. As you've seen in this year's pages, UEFA and FIFA disable playback on other sites for copyright reasons. Regrettably, this applies to non-commercial sites like this one as well.
Your friendly bookie doesn't necessarily have any qualms about still including them as any reader can simply click on the link to watch them on YouTube immediately. Here, you'll just have to do the work yourself.
Reliving Lord Zlatan's greatest moments demands individual legwork. He's put in the time. So too must you.
Spain—“La Furia Roja”
Straight up nervy and shitty times. An unabashed La Roja enthusiast feels your pain. It was infinitely worse than my own country's title-defense debacle four years later. The 2014 WM slayed the invincible 2008-2012 giant in the most complete fashion.
The round two 0-2 loss to Chile proved even more horrifying.
So many spurned gilt-edged chances. So many hopeful leaps in the air. Far too many chicas to hug amid all the misery. Europe just isn't the same without the Spanish caravans tearing up the cobblestone streets after the big knockout stage victories.
After two successive round-of-16 exits, we haven't seen the Jugadoras and Jugadores honking horns and blowing kisses for none long, barren Summers. No one leaps up in the air anymore except this guy.
When one looks at the present incarnation of the squad, everything points to a disappointing tournament; a a return to those reliably frustrating times of the 80s and 90s. Isco and Marco Asensio fell out of form precisely when the team needed them the most. The Sergio Ramos renders the back line a disaster.
This is a truly weird version of La Roja. No Real Madrid players. Only 24 call ups from Enrique despite the fact that the revised pandemic rules allow him a 26-man-pool. Your friendly bookie did attempt to understand what sort of strategy lay behind these moves. No answer would be forthcoming.
For some reason, the trainer thought it just wasn't worth it to bring Inigio Martinez, Sergio Roberto, and Pedro Porro with him even after Jesus Navas and Dani Carvajal went down. Rogrido Moreno and Sergio Canales could have helped this team. Where are they?
We're also missing this kid.
Such a tragedy. I would have tipped Spain to take this group had Ansu Fati not gotten hurt. Hopefully, the latest in a long string of injuries won't end up derailing the youngster's career.
The 18-year-old possesses such enormous potential. Whether or not the body will cooperate long enough to allow it to blossom remains to be seen.
Oh well. Let's build with what we have.
Projecting the Spanish Lineup (4-3-3)
Bookie does his level best to fix the center back situation. Jordi Alba should do okay slanted toward his usual fullback side. After toying with the idea of pairing him with Diego Llorente, I came to the conclusion that the veteran would work better off the bench.
Eric Garcia only slightly edges out Pau Torres for the second center-halve slot. Enrique could start them together, but the way in which the midfield presses high makes it seem like too risky a gamble. Thiago Alcantara could probably do about as good a job in Rodrigo Hernandez's place.
I'd be a bit more optimistic about the attack if Dani Olmo could somehow work as a ten. It looks like the Spanish manager just doesn't have enough wingers to make this happen. It would also constitute a major system change far too late in the prep-game. For better or (more likely) worse, this is what we have.
The Talisman—Alvaro Morata
We're back to him again. It's a freaking merry-go-round insofar as this team's lead striker is concerned. Diego Costa-Alvaro Morata-Diego Costa-Alvaro Morata. The back-and-forth sums up 2014, 2016, 2018, and 2020.
Now it's Morata's turn again. Costa and Morata could manage to co-exist at Chelsea and later Athletico, but never on this team. One piece of good news is that Morata, in his first season at Juventus, comes off easily his best year since the Real Madrid days.
The 28-year-old has done a great deal to improve his technique and heading ability. As always, he's very strong positionally as a flexible and mobile striker. He could conceivably replicate his highly successful 2016 tournament again.
Of course, he had better help in the form of Cesc Fabregas, Andres Iniesta, David Silva, and even Nolito back in those days. Speaking of another player who could have helped this team, why didn't Enrique nominate the Celta Vigo man?
This team just isn't built properly.
Vicey's Bundesliga Buddy
Dani Olmo, RB Leipzig
Only one choice, but damn is it a good one. Seven tallies across all competitions this season from literally every attacking angle this season amid Julian Nagelsmann's constantly shifting tactics.
Your friendly bookie always had to invest deep thought in where he was meant to be in dozens of draw ups. Perhaps he wasn't "meant" to be anywhere most days.
Nagelsmann permitted his high-caliber creative artist to occupy most any attacking lane he pleased.
Olmo's RB teammate Jose Tasende, who goes by the "Angelino" moniker, probably should have been included on this team as well. Yes, we're back at that point again.
Enrique had no bloody right to field a 24-man team when all of football lovers can think of at least a dozen actors who may have been useful.
Bookie feels a sad premonition that he'll be returning to this point several more times.
Nostalgia Corner
“For All Time”
No harm in having one last look at the four-year-spell that changed the face of football forever. I'm not even slightly bitter that they eliminated the Germans in back-to-back tournaments in 2008 and 2010. Okay. Maybe losing to that asshole Luis Aragones in '08 stung a little.
The "Era of Tiki-Taka." The "Barcelona Carousel". The uninterrupted majesty of a nation that we all know is more of a fragmented collection of fiercely independent old kingdoms awkwardly and barely unified.
It mattered less in those days because the haphazardly consolidated "country" stood as the undisputed Kings of Europe. The Franco-German-EU engine wasn't complaining. We'll take a tenuous piece no matter how it comes.
Fond memories of this era. Not everyone lives to see an epoch defined by a game-changing, innovative tactical system. Your friendly bookie wasn't alive when the axial pyramid got inverted in the 60s. He also nor did he behold the advent of Totaalvoetbal in the 70s.
Thankfully, I lived through this.
Poland—“Bialo-czerwoni”
A late coaching change initially engendered some optimism. The PZPN went with a foreign manager for the first time in nearly 15 years. Former Dortmund man and Portuguese international Paulo Sousa took the reigns just this last January.
We all girded down for some modish Castro flair. A new Navigator could see them out-samba opponents just like against Brazil in 1974.
Er....no. Sousa has managed to win one of his four games in charge. There's been no real time to implement a system. The Portuguese trainer essentially runs a skeletal version of predecessor Jerzy Brzeczek's constellation.
Brzeczek himself never did much apart from try to squeeze blood from a stone by sticking with Adam Nawalka's 3-4-3. Dammit. We're witnessing the same story dressed up in different clothes.
Can we get another shot of the mustachioed guys in short shorts?
That one's for you, 74-M. Sorry you had the misfortune of not being born yet in 1982. I'll look forward to getting your thoughts on the invariable disaster that always strikes this team roughly one hour into every blasted tournament campaign.
Tie Wojciech Szczesny to his own goal post. That's the only solution. You're better off with him not moving around. No adventures for the former Arsenal man this time. Have Benarek serve as the sweeper keeper.
Projecting the Polish Lineup (3-4-3)
The Talisman—Robert Lewandowski
Talisman is a wholly insufficient word in this case. Lewin-goal-ski is this team. He either shoots them into the knockouts or we all welcome the crew back at the Warsaw Airport on June 24th.
Elegantly crafted Rabona-assists are forbidden. This man is not allowed to pass the ball. He takes every last free kick and handles 98.9 percent of the shooting from open play.
Vicey's Bundesliga Buddy
Dawid Kownacki, Fortuna Düsseldorf
Some may remember the plucky substitute from the most recent tournament. Both he and Lewandowski fought hard to keep their country's hopes from evaporating in that opening match against Senegal. He displayed similar grit in last year's relegation fight.
The 24-year-old never really lived up his full potential after the Flingeraner bought him from Lech Poznan in 2018. We're still dealing with one of my all time favorite cult players from one of Germany's great cult clubs.
Seven goals in this year's 2. Bundesliga to add to the four he's netted in the top flight. I'd really like to see him work as a service striker behind Lewandowski. That could generate something.
I expect this in much the same way that I expect an angel to drop out of the sky tomorrow and tell me that a lifetime limit of self-loathing has been reached and I'll never have to doubt myself again.
Look, gentlemen. The bottom line is that I don't expect much here.
Nostalgia Corner
“Chapter One”
How nice it would be if we had some highlights from the 2012 that they co-hosted. Nothing doing there really. The 2016 run to the knockouts was, similarly, not an especially memorable affair. Blaszczykowski scored and that's about it.
Guess we'll go all the way back to the first syndicate chapter.
The 3-1 defeat of the U.S. in the final group stage game was ultimately meaningless as they had already been eliminated and the group had been decided. Still loved the goals from Pawel Kryszalowicz and Marcin Zewlakow, along with that fearless sprint from Emmanuel Olisadebe.
Those guys are probably pushing 50 by now. We’re really reaching way back for a golden moment here. This was probably the last truly inspiring performance I saw from the Czerwoni in an international, and it happened when I weighed less than 40 kilos.
Here’s hoping that the dour mood about this year’s team proves wrong somehow. It also might be worth hoping that your car insurance bill magically pays itself this month.
Slovakia—“Sokolo”
The "fighting Repre" return....and good lord do I still hate their crest.
We're going with the classic one here, just as we did with Croatia. The modern monstrosity, which looks like a corporate sculpture ingested a your grandmother's tupperware tureen, has no place in this section.
We commemorate just the third time this nation has reached a major international as an independent country. The 2010 WM version reached the first phase of the knockouts, as did the 2016 EM side.
The team we beheld five years ago probably represented the pinnacle of these Eastern Bloc velveteers. That was the team of Stanislav Sestak, Victor Pecovsky, and Juraj Kucka.
They were captained by this man:
On the topic of "monstrosities", Martin Skrtel always reminded your friendly bookie of what might have been produced had Pierluigi Collina actually been able to mate with Count Orlock. His shaved head never seemed a concept born out of necessity. Ostensibly, it was an intimidation thing.
Skrtel led what many considered to be the country's so-called Golden Generation in the last competition. There remain few holdovers from that team as the Falcons find themselves in the midst of a rebuilding cycle.
Qualification here came narrowly. Some shall be disappointed to learn that they barely eked by both Northern Ireland and the Republic in this year's two delayed playoff rounds. Added extra time was needed for both victories.
There remain a few familiar faces.
If it isn't your friendly bookie's long lost cousin. Vladimir Weiss' national team career continued even after his father vacated the managerial post. Back in Bratislava after years of wandering in the Arabian football wilderness, the 31-year-old looks near the end of his career.
He's still a player that produces plenty of cringe-worthy selfishness on the pitch, but has matured somewhat in the intervening years. All that time in the Gulf instilled in him some sense of humility.
Another character is back too.
Projecting the Slovak Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Loads of different lineups throughout the qualifying stages and playoffs. Hamsik started and scored a lovely brace against Azerbaijan in the group. Feyenoord's 21-year-old phenom Robert Bozenik makes a fine case for a starting spot, but I think head-coach Stefan Tarkovic will play it more conservatively.
The best one can do in terms of semi-winger support bolsters are a pair of 30-year-olds: Robert Mal and Jan Gregus. The latter has been playing in semi-retirement the past two years in MLS. Hertha BSC's Peter Pekarik, whom you can see at right-back, is one player who has aged will. He's a positive addition.
All told, the quality just isn't inherent in this lineup. It would prove a genuine shock to see them enter the group's third matchday in contention for third place. It'll all be over quickly. Two shutouts and a play for pride in the third fixture.
The Talisman—Milan Skriniar
I don't know. I guess. Who else is there? Hamsik remains the captain, but he's well past his prime and the bookie can't even find a place for him in the starting XI.
Here's some highlights from the Inter professional:
Vicey's Bundesliga Buddy
Ondrej Duda, 1. FC Köln
Ha! It definitely wasn't going to be Laszlo Benes of Augsburg/Gladbach. Here we do have one lone bright spot in this team. The former Hertha and Norwich professional comes off a solid season during which a lot was asked of him.
It's been a crazy year in the cathedral city. A horrendously hard luck injury to lead striker Sebastian Andersson forced Duda to play at the center forward position most of the season.
Coach Markus Gisdol, and later Friedhelm Funkel, tried and tried to come up with alternate solutions, yet always had to come back to Duda alone up top. He did his part with seven league goals.
Duda must feel so relieved to once again play for a team that has trained attackers. Er....wait a second. Does our man, in fact, play for such a team?
Uh-oh. Sometimes the unreasonable demands of life never cease.
Nostalgia Corner
“Euthanizing Italy”
Time to travel down to Johannesburg for that five-goal cracker that saw the Slovaks eliminate the defending World Champion Azzuri in the final group stage game of 2010's Group F.
My word, what a football match this was!
Vicey’s Fearless Group Prediction (3 to 1 Odds for Bookie)
1) Sweden
2) Spain
3) Poland
4) Slovakia
Overall Championship Odds
Sweden (3 to 1)
Spain (3 to 1)
Poland (6 to 1)
Slovakia (12 to 1)
Round of 16 Odds
Sweden (NO BETS)
Spain (NO BETS)
Poland (NO BETS)
Slovakia (3 to 1)
Quarterfinal Odds
Sweden (Straight Up)
Spain (Straight Up)
Poland (2 to 1)
Slovakia (5 to 1)
Semifinal Odds
Sweden (2 to 1)
Spain (2 to 1)
Poland (4 to 1)
Slovakia (8 to 1)
